The Kid
Aired 4th November 1997 · Written by Jeffrey Richman & Suzanne Martin · Directed by Jeff Melman
Frasier
Oh, Roz... how are you?
Roz
Still pregnant.
Frasier
Look, I-I'm sorry about last night. I tried to apologize, but you ran out of the party so fast.
Roz
Oh, I'm sorry! Was that rude? You know more about etiquette that I do. What is the proper length of time you should stay after someone announces to a hundred strangers that you got knocked up?
Frasier
I tried to call.
Roz
I know, I wasn't answering. I was up all night thinking about what I want to do.
Frasier
Yes, I suppose a decision of that magnitude would take many sleepless—
Roz
I'm having the baby.
Frasier
-hours to make. Are you sure, Roz?
Roz
I know it seems quick. But even when I was hoping I wasn't pregnant, I knew if I was, I was keeping the baby.
Frasier
Well, then let me be the first to congratulate you!
Roz
Oh, thanks.
Frasier
Oh, Roz, oh God, that's so wonderful! You're gonna make a great mom!
Roz
Well, I did the first part pretty well, and I wasn't even trying.
Frasier
So, have you told the father?
Roz
Yes, I called him at nine o'clock this morning, which was seven o'clock at night, Cairo time.
Frasier
Is that a pertinent fact, or are you just trying to impress me with your mastery of time zones?
Roz
I mean he moved to Cairo, working on a project. He's an architect.
Frasier
Oh. Well, when's he coming back?
Roz
He isn't. [off his surprised look] But that's perfectly fine with me. I'm perfectly comfortable raising this baby by myself.
Frasier
And... I'm sure everyone around here will give you plenty of support.
Bulldog
So, Roz, who's the proud papa? You got it narrowed down yet? [laughs]
Roz
That's nice, very nice. Frasier, will you excuse us?
Frasier
Yes, of course. Just remember the baby's future, Roz. Try to make it look like an accident.
Bulldog
Look, I was just kidding. I'm sure you probably know who the dad is.
Roz
Well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. Do you remember Janet's party a couple months ago? You got really drunk and I drove you home?
Bulldog
Yeah... what about it?
Roz
Well, you invited me up, and I guess I'd had a few myself, because the next thing I knew—
Bulldog
No, whoa — I don't believe this. I don't even remember us—
Roz
Now calm down, Bulldog—
Bulldog
No, come on, please, just tell me you're joking.
Roz
Look, we don't have to get married right away—
Bulldog
Oh, man! Oh, man!
Roz
I thought you'd be happy about this. I mean, we were wonderful together. When you made love to me, you were so tender and caring—
Bulldog
Hey, whoa! Ha, ha! "Tender and caring?" No way was that me! Yeah, you almost had me! Good one, Roz.
Martin
Someone at the door!
Daphne
Really? So that's what that funny chiming sound means. I'm a little indisposed here, would you mind?
Martin
Oh sure, sorry, Daph. [calls] Hang on, she's coming!
Daphne
[putting the plates down] You take it easy, rest up for that big trek to the dinner table.
Daphne
Hello, Dr. Crane.
Niles
Daphne, before I even come in, I just have to say I am mortified by my behavior last night. Honestly, I don't know what got into me.
Martin
About a quart of vodka, for starters.
Daphne
There's no need for an apology. I thought what you did was very chivalrous.
Niles
Well, I happen to believe that if a woman finds herself in such a predicament, a man of honor has an obligation to step forward and do the right thing.
Daphne
Now poor Roz really is in that predicament.
Niles
Do I smell chicken?
Frasier
Yes, Niles. We'll be serving dinner just as soon as Roz gets here. I didn't think she should be alone this evening.
Daphne
How's she doing?
Frasier
Oh, O.K., I guess, considering she's decided to have the baby by herself.
Martin
Boy, things have really changed since my day. Back then, if a girl got in trouble, her family would send her away to relatives in another state, and if anybody asked, just lied and said she went to Europe. Then when she came back, they'd raise the baby as a little sister. Not like today — we had morals and values back then.
Niles
I always assumed I'd have children, but if Maris and I don't reconcile soon, the issue will be moot. She's a tad older than I am, and her biological clock is winding down.
Frasier
Luckily, she flies to Zurich twice a year to have it reset.
Daphne
Babies are wonderful, but Roz does have a tough road ahead of her.
Niles
It can never be easy balancing a career with motherhood.
Martin
Well, the big question is where's she going to find a husband? I mean, a little kid needs a mother and a father.
Frasier
That's Roz! Just remember, she came here tonight to have a quiet little evening, not to be reminded of the difficult situation she's in. We'll just take our cue from her. If she doesn't bring it up, we won't discuss it! Agreed?
Frasier
Daphne, you may answer the door.
Daphne
Well, thank you! [goes to the door] Why don't I just get a feather duster and a French maid's uniform?
Niles
That would teach them, wouldn't it, Daphne, and I would pick it out for you!
Daphne
Hello, Roz.
Roz
Hi.
Frasier
Dinner's almost ready, make yourself comfortable.
Roz
Thanks.
Daphne
So... that's such a cute skirt.
Roz
I just got it.
Martin
I just got these pants.
Roz
They're nice.
Roz
I got some interesting news! Well, last night, I — and a large portion of Seattle — found out I was pregnant! Don't you guys want to ask me about it?
Daphne
Sure, we all do! But we were told not to.
Martin
Yeah, Frasier's afraid we might say something to make you uncomfortable.
Roz
Oh, that's silly. I want to talk about it. I'm really excited, I'm going to be a mom! I've got a lot to do. I'll tell you one thing I'm gonna need, pronto—
Martin
A husband!
Roz
I was going to say a bigger apartment.
Martin
Oh. Well, maybe the husband'll have one.
Daphne
So, how did the father take it? [off Frasier's glare] Don't worry, she brought it up!
Roz
He actually took it really well. He's not going to be that involved, though. He moved to Cairo.
Niles
Where would he have moved to if he'd taken it badly?
Roz
No, he's working in Cairo on a project, he's an archaeologist.
Daphne
Oh.
Frasier
Roz, can I get you a drink?
Roz
O.K., do you have any mineral water?
Frasier
Yes, I have eight different kinds. Why don't you come into the kitchen and pick one?
Martin
Yeah, he's got room for eight different kinds of water in that fridge, and I have to keep my can of spray cheese under the sink.
Frasier
You know, this morning you told me the father was an architect.
Roz
I did? Oh, that was a slip of the tongue.
Frasier
Ah. And, uh, how did you two meet again?
Roz
In a bar.
Frasier
This morning you told me it was on a double-date.
Roz
Oh, that's right, it was! It was on a double-date.
Frasier
This morning you told me nothing! [Roz flinches] What is going on, Roz, you're obviously hiding something. [Niles comes in] Niles, please, would you excuse us?
Niles
Oh, by all means. I just came in to open a bottle of wine. [takes one down] Sorry. [leaves]
Frasier
All right, what's going on? Is it that you don't know who the father is?
Roz
Of course I know!
Frasier
Well, then why don't you tell me?
Roz
I haven't even told him yet.
Frasier
Oh?
Roz
And I'm not sure I'm going to tell him. It's a little complicated—
Frasier
Look, Roz, I don't care who the father is. The man has a right to know that he's going to have a child.
Roz
Frasier, this really isn't any of your business.
Frasier
Yes, well, it's certainly his business. You have an obligation to let this man know that you're having his baby! [Niles comes in again] Niles, do you mind? It's impossible to have a conversation here with you constantly eavesdropping.
Niles
I don't know what you two are talking about, but I resent the implication that I have nothing better to do than to spy on you like a nosy teenager. I came in for a corkscrew. [gets it and walks out]
Frasier
Oh Niles, I-I'm sorry—
Niles
All I could get was that she hasn't told the father yet.
Frasier
Double latte, please.
Rick
Coming right up. I'll bring it to your table.
Frasier
Thank you.
Frasier
Morning, Roz!
Roz
Frasier? What are you doing here?
Frasier
Oh, I realize it must be a shock to see me here in this place I come to every day of my life.
Roz
You had a dental appointment!
Frasier
Well, I rescheduled it for tomorrow.
Roz
Thanks for telling me!
Frasier
What's going on?
Roz
All right, [lowers voice] I came here to talk to him — the father, yes.
Frasier
Really? Well, I'm proud of you!
Roz
Well, thank you very much, now get out of here!
Frasier
All right, just wait one second. [Rick brings his coffee] Excuse me, may I have that to go, please?
Rick
Oh sure, Dr. Crane.
Frasier
Thank you.
Rick
Hey, Roz! How you doing?
Roz
Fine, thanks.
Rick
Well, what can I get you?
Roz
Uh, I'll have a decaf.
Rick
Be right back.
Frasier
He's a nice kid, Rick.
Roz
Yes, he is.
Frasier
Working here to put himself through school, right?
Roz
Yes, he is.
Frasier
He's the father, isn't he?
Roz
Yes, he is.
Frasier
The father of your child is a teenager!
Roz
Well, of course he is not a teenager anymore! He had a birthday three weeks ago! Look, uh, you know, we just went out for a couple of weeks, and then it was over, there were no hard feelings. It is a little embarrassing, though, him being seven years younger than I am— [off Frasier's look] oh, put your eyebrows down! I've seen your driver's license, and you don't weigh no "One-Seventy!" Now you know what I'm talking about. I don't want to ruin his whole life.
Frasier
He still has a right to know.
Roz
I know that. But it's not gonna be easy. When you were a junior in college, if a woman came to you and told you she was carrying your child, wouldn't you have been devastated?
Frasier
In my case, I would have been mystified.
Roz
How do I even begin to tell him?
Frasier
Yes, something like that is never easy.
Rick
So, Roz, what made you switch to decaf?
Frasier
Then again, sometimes a natural opening does present itself.
Roz
I'm just trying to stay healthy. Listen, Rick, I've been trying to call you, but your number wasn't working.
Rick
Oh yeah, I'm not in the dorms anymore.
Roz
Oh, you got your own place?
Rick
No, I moved back in with my parents.
Roz
Frasier, isn't that your dad over there waving to you?
Frasier
Oh yes, of course. My dad is over there waving to me. [turns and sees Martin in the doorway] Oh look — my dad's over there waving to me!
Rick
So, you look incredible.
Roz
Thanks.
Frasier
Dad, what are you doing here?
Martin
Oh, Sherry took her sister to that store across the street to buy some foundation garments.
Frasier
I think they call them "bras" now.
Martin
Not these, you don't. You could cross the River Kwai on one of those babies.
Roz
So, I have some news for you—
Rick
Oh, I've got some news too! You remember I was telling you about that Junior Year Abroad Program? I'm in! I leave next fall and I will be spending the rest of the year in Paris!
Roz
Oh, I'm so happy for you!
Rick
Yeah, I'm thinking, first my soccer team wins the championship, then I ace my finals, now I'm going to Paris! I'm wondering, "What next!"
Roz
Funny you should ask...
Martin
I'm telling you, there's something in my eye!
Frasier
I don't see anything.
Martin
Are you sure?
Frasier
I don't see anything!
Martin
Well, you're not even looking!
Frasier
[reaches his hand out] Well then, here, let me—
Martin
No, don't touch! Don't touch!
Frasier
Listen, Dad, I've got to go talk to Roz, just go into the bathroom and wash it out with cold water.
Martin
Oh, yeah, I'm sure glad I worked all those extra shifts to put you through medical school, it really paid off!
Frasier
Roz?
Roz
Don't worry, I told him.
Frasier
How'd he take it?
Roz
Well, he was pretty freaked out, actually. But I assured him that I didn't need anything from him, and I was going to raise the baby by myself. Anyway, he's gonna be fine. [checks her watch] Oh my God, I'm late for a doctor's appointment.
Frasier
Are you gonna be all right?
Roz
Yeah.
Frasier
Can I take you to dinner tonight?
Roz
Oh, thank you, Frasier, that would be nice.
Frasier
O.K.
Martin
Boy, I can't stand these yuppie joints. Some bozo went through the men's room, correcting all the grammar in the graffiti with a red pen.
Frasier
Yes, I noticed.
Martin
I mean, who'd have that much time on his hands?
Frasier
Unbelievable.
Martin
It was Niles, wasn't it?
Frasier
I'll talk to him again.
Roz
It's open, Frasier.
Rick
Hi. I'm sorry, I probably should have called first—
Roz
No, it's all right! I'm just kind of surprised to see you here.
Rick
I'm kind of surprised to be here. Oh, these are for you.
Roz
[takes the flowers] Thank you.
Rick
There was a card, too, but it kind of blew off on the way over here. I rode my bike.
Rick
I acted like an idiot today.
Roz
It's O.K.—
Rick
No, it's not! I mean, when you told me, all I could think about was myslef and how it was going to affect me. Then I started thinking about you, and the, uh...
Roz
The baby.
Rick
Right. That's the other reason I'm here. I'm not going to Paris. I'm not going anywhere. I'm quitting school, and I'm going to work at the Café full time!
Roz
So you've come to tell me you've lost your mind.
Rick
No. I came here to ask you to marry me.
Roz
Oh, Rick... that's so... wrong.
Rick
Oh yeah, that's right! [kneels down] Roz, will you marry me?
Roz
No, no! The proposal was fine, it was lovely.
Rick
Listen, I have been thinking about this all afternoon. I could fall in love with you. I could be a good husband, and a good father.
Roz
Rick, that's the whole point of being twenty. You could be anything. I'm much older than you, I am things.
Rick
I'm not too young for this! You know, my mom was only seventeen when she had me.
Roz
[worst one so far] Your mother's only thirty-seven?
Rick
Yeah. And, boy, would you two hit if off! I mean, you have a lot in common. In fact, you sort of even look like—
Roz
Stop right there! Listen, your proposal was so sweet. It's my first, actually.
Rick
Yeah, mine too.
Roz
Oh... I hope that you can understand why I can't possibly marry you. When I get married, it's going to be to someone I love, and to someone who loves me, and someone who can legally drink champagne at my wedding!
Rick
O.K. I understand. [notices picture] So, is this—?
Roz
Yeah, it's the sonogram picture. It came this morning. [shows him] Right there.
Rick
Wow... that dot's my kid.
Roz
No, that dot's just a dot. That dot's your kid. You can have it. And I could send you photos, updates, that sort of thing?
Rick
I would like that. Thank you. Roz, are you sure—?
Roz
Yeah, I am. I think this is the right thing, for you and for me. Now go. Go to Paris! Go learn, go have fun! Just don't come back wearing a beret!
Rick
O.K. Take care of yourself.
Roz
You too.
Roz
I said go!
Frasier
[o.s.] But I just got here!
Roz
I'm sorry, Frasier, come in!
Frasier
[coming in] I ran into Rick in the hall.
Roz
Yeah. He asked me to marry him. I said no.
Frasier
Well, that was very sweet of him.
Roz
Oh, I was just making some tea, do you want some?
Frasier
Yeah, sure, thanks. With milk, please. [she goes to the kitchen] Well, you've had quite a day, haven't you? You all right?
Roz
I'm fine.
Frasier
You know, it's O.K. to not be fine.
Roz
Is it O.K. just to be O.K.?
Frasier
Yeah, sure.
Frasier
Thanks, Roz. [notices] Oh, oh, this milk's expired.
Roz
Oh. [reads] Whoa, it has.
Frasier
It's O.K., I can drink the tea straight.
Roz
I had no idea I let this milk expire.
Frasier
It's really all right, Roz.
Roz
[breaking down] I can't take this. Damn it, how could I let this happen?!
Frasier
Are we still talking about the milk?
Roz
Don't you see? Milk is a staple! I let a staple go bad! Good mothers don't let staples go bad! How can I be responsible for a child when I can't even keep fresh milk in the house? Kids need milk!
Frasier
Roz, if it helps, kids don't even drink milk for the first year.
Roz
Oh, see? I didn't even know that!
Frasier
I didn't know that either until I was a parent.
Roz
Don't you understand? I have to know everything. You can know half of everything. You can know about the milk, and Lilith can know about the booties and the snugglies—
Frasier
You never met Lilith, did you?
Frasier
Just forget the milk, and forget the tea. Talk to me.
Roz
I don't even know where to start. Everything in my life is about to change. My body, my love life...
Frasier
Yes, but it's also going to change in fantastic ways. I remember the first night I brought Frederick home from the hospital. You put this tiny thing into a tiny little bed, and you look around and you realize that the entire house has changed.
Roz
I know. I want that. But, God, the responsibility...
Frasier
Well, yes. But it's all worth it. You get to share your life with a remarkable little creature... who only lives in the present, runs around naked without the slightest bit of shame, and can entertain himself for hours just staring at a shiny object. Isn't that wonderful?
Roz
Isn't that Bulldog?
Frasier
Well, technically, yes. [they laugh] Roz, I'm going to tell you something I didn't find out until I became a father. You don't just love your children... you fall in love with them.
Roz
Oh my God... I'm gonna have a baby. Someone is gonna cry out for "Mom" and it's gonna be me! [laughs, then cries] I'm really scared. What if I can't do this by myself?
Frasier
But, Roz, you're not all by yourself. I'm here.
Roz
Oh, thank you, Frasier. [hugs him]
Frasier
And I'll be available for you whenever you wish, from taking you out to dinner tonight, to that moment in the delivery room when you say, "Welcome to the world little Jimmy," or "little Sally," or... dare I hope "little Frasier?"
Roz
Oh my God, I think I'm gonna be sick.
Frasier
I guess I got a little carried away there.
Roz
No, I mean I'm gonna hurl!
Frasier
Oh dear God!
Frasier
I'll wait here!