Voyage Of The Damned
Aired 18th November 1997 · Written by Jeffrey Richman · Directed by Pamela Fryman
Frasier
Well, Karl, I guess you've got two choices. Either you have the tattoo removed, or you travel the globe searching for another soul mate named Fredwina. We'll be right back after this.
Roz
Hey, I was just looking over this offer you got from the Siren Cruise Line. They want to know if—
Frasier
Roz, you know my policy on commercial endorsements.
Roz
Just listen. One of their celebrity entertainers cancelled on a ship that's going to Alaska, and they'll let us both go for free if you'll fill in, and all you have to do is give a brief lecture—
Frasier
Roz, I'm a psychiatrist, not a huckster! There are still some of us in this profession who believe in—[sees brochure] mahogany wainscoting?
Roz
Isn't that fabulous? And just look at those staterooms!
Frasier
Wow...
Roz
Not to mention the gourmet chefs, the world-class health spa...
Frasier
Well, it does sound awfully tempting, Roz, but I just don't think it's right to trade on one's good name for a free trip.
Roz
Well, plenty of people do. Look, Zubin Mehta did one, General Schwartzkopf, and it says right here, Gore Vidal did two of them!
Frasier
Gore Vidal? He hates everything!
Roz
But, if you feel it would tarnish your image, I'll just call Vicki and tell her you said no.
Frasier
Vicki? Who's Vicki?
Roz
Oh, she books the celebrities. We met once at a party a long time ago, I'm surprised she remembered me. Frasier, we're on in ten seconds.
Frasier
Now, just hold on a minute, Roz, you didn't tell me this was a favor for a close friend.
Roz
She's not a close friend.
Frasier
No, Roz, obviously this woman means something to you. It's certainly an awkward position you've put me in.
Roz
Frasier, I don't care.
Frasier
All right, I'll go! But it's the last time I pull your chestnuts out of the fire!
Daphne
Hello, Dr. Crane.
Frasier
Oh, hello, Daphne. Little late in the day, isn't it?
Daphne
I just love days like this... nowhere to go, nothing to do... though I have this sneaking suspicion I've forgotten something.
Frasier
Like getting dressed?
Daphne
[goes to the window] Oh, I could watch the rain for hours. Of course, when I was a little girl, I hated the rain. Stuck inside, couldn't go out and play. But my mum always said, "enjoy it while you can, there'll be no water in hell." Of course, that was her answer for everything. "Eat your veggies, there'll be no Brussels sprouts in hell... have a lie-down, there'll be no naps in hell..."
Frasier
Daphne, you know I am a therapist, if you'd like to talk about this sometime.
Daphne
About what?
Frasier
Nothing.
Daphne
I wish I could remember what it is I forgot to do. Oh well, you know what they say — if you can't remember, it probably wasn't important anyway.
Frasier
Dad!
Daphne
Oh no!
Frasier
You are dripping!
Martin
Yeah, that's what'll happen when you're standing out on the corner waiting for your ride!
Daphne
Mr. Crane, I am so sorry!
Martin
What the hell were you thinking?!
Frasier
Venting these emotions is all well and good, Dad, but I just had these floors waxed!
Martin
I said four o'clock on the corner of Second and Bell.
Daphne
Well, you should have called me!
Martin
Well, I was afraid if I went looking for a phone I'd miss you!
Frasier
Good point, Dad. Now, could you just step on that, please? [Eddie comes in] Oh God, he's wet too!
Frasier
No, no! Damn him! Daphne, help me get this canine sprinkler out of here!
Daphne
Oh now, don't be too cross with him, Dr. Crane! As my mum used to say, there'll be no dogs in hell!
Frasier
I sincerely doubt that!
Frasier
Oh, Niles.
Niles
Frasier, I just stopped by to return your cookbook [hands it over], I won't be needing it after all.
Frasier
Oh, really? I thought you were preparing an anniversary dinner for Maris.
Niles
Uh, not this year. Maris has flown to Switzerland for a new cosmetic treatment. Only one man performs the procedure, and Maris wants to see him before he's extradited.
Frasier
Oh, Niles, I'm so sorry.
Niles
It's so depressing. Every time it looks as though we're approaching a breakthrough in our therapy, Maris runs off somewhere. I really hoped spending time together on our anniversary would get us over the hump.
Frasier
Take heart, Niles, I know how frustrating it can be when someone puts their own selfishness ahead of your personal needs. [steers Niles onto the newspaper]
Martin
Niles, why don't you take off that wet coat and stay for dinner. I'll get us started with a couple of nice hot toddies, just like we used to make down at Duke's.
Frasier
You know, Dad, there's a recipe in this book for a hot toddy. It calls for courvoisier, chamomile tea, and a dash of framboise!
Martin
Garnish it with a few rose petals and that's just how Duke used to serve it.
Frasier
[to Niles] Make yourself comfortable.
Frasier
Poor Niles. You know, Dad, maybe I should—
Martin
Ah, ah! Stop right there, I know what you're going to say. You want to call Maris and talk her into spending her anniversary with Niles.
Frasier
I didn't realize I'd gotten as predictable as all that.
Martin
Well, you have, and if you ask me—
Frasier
Stop right there. I know exactly what you're going to say. You're going to say I should mind my own business and keep my big bazoo shut!
Martin
I was gonna say "fat yap," but you're in the ballpark.
Frasier
Well, I just think that when two people are having problems, their emotions can get the better of them. A third party can provide some perspective.
Martin
They already have a therapist! And if Niles needs any more help, he's got Dr. Jim Beam and he makes house calls!
Niles
I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, Maris. I hope you enjoy your trip to Switzerland. Actually, I have plans of my own for our anniversary that I'm very excited about. Mmm-hmm. Bon voyage. [hangs up]
Frasier
Well, that's a very healthy approach, Niles. What are your plans?
Niles
Well, I thought I'd sit alone in my cavernous apartment while rocking back and forth while hugging my knees.
Martin
Now, Niles, you're not going to be alone on your anniversary, you'll have me and Fras.
Frasier
Well, actually, Dad, I've agreed to give a lecture on a cruise that's going to Alaska... but I don't see any reason why you two shouldn't join me, why don't you?
Martin
Oh, that'd be great! Wouldn't it, Niles?
Niles
Uh, I don't know.
Frasier
Oh, come on, Niles, it'll help get your mind off your troubles.
Niles
I appreciate your concern, but whisking me off on a cruise? I'm not as emotionally fragile as all that.
Frasier
As you wish. Well, Dad, I guess it'll be just you and me then.
Martin
Yeah! When do we leave?
Frasier
Fourteenth.
Niles
[breaking down] The fourteenth?
Martin
[Makes the fog horn sound twice]
Niles
You know, that just gets funnier and funnier each time you do it.
Martin
[Makes the fog horn sound once]
Niles
No, no I'm wrong
Roz
Hey, some ship, huh? How's your stateroom?
Frasier
I'd hardly call it a "stateroom." Wouldn't even call it a room, but I don't know the nautical term for "broom closet with sconces." How's yours?
Roz
[shuts her door behind her] The same. Worse, even. I'm sure you have a better view from your porthole than I do.
Frasier
You have a porthole?!
Roz
What's the difference? A cabin's just a place to shower and change your clothes.
Frasier
You have a shower?! All I have is a nozzle and a floor drain, it took me an hour before I put those two things together!
Martin
Now the buffets come at a pretty good clip, so you got to pace yourself. And watch out for your fillers—your breads, your rolls, your chips and dip. You've only got so much room, don't be a hero.
Roz
Hey, guys!
Martin
Hey! Hey, Fras, this is great! You got one of those bedrooms where the bathroom turns into a shower?
Frasier
Yes, Dad. [to Niles] And before you say anything, I had no idea what Spartan conditions we were in for.
Niles
It's quite all right. Once I got over my fear that I'd be hauled below deck and manacled to another oarsman, I actually started to enjoy myself.
Frasier
Well, you know, I guess I won't be spending that much time in my cabin anyway. I'll be hobnobbing with my fellow celebrities.
Martin
Yeah, they got a lot of big names on board. Did you see the pictures?
Roz
[reading] "Live and in Person: Radio star Dr. Frasier Crane!" How about that?
Frasier
Lord, I don't know if I really care for the word "star," considering the caliber of the other people on board.
Niles
[looking closer] "The Comedy Stylings of Giggles O'Shea." Oh yes, you're in stellar company. Oh, and look, they even managed to snare a magician—"The Amazing Lance Gould."
Martin
Oh, he's great! I caught his act in Reno a few years ago. For his finale, he made his own head disappear!
Niles
Now, did the toupee go too, or did it just hover over the collar?
Frasier
Dear God! You've booked me on a floating Gong Show! What happened to Zubin Mehta and Gore Vidal?
Roz
I am so sorry, Frasier, I had no idea. I guess they just booked all their A-list celebrities on the big ships.
Steward
[on P.A.] Your attention, please. The "Taste of Alaska" buffet is no being served on the Lido deck.
Martin
Ooh, that's my cue! You guys coming?
Niles
Uh, Dad, we had a big lunch at home.
Martin
Rookie mistake. See you at dinner.
Roz
Look, Frasier, it's not that bad. I mean, at least you got top billing.
Frasier
Well, of course I got top billing! I'm the only one up there I've ever heard of!
Roz
Come on, what about him?
Frasier
"Latin Singing Sensation Carlos 'the Barracuda' DelGato?"
Roz
Yeah! Don't you remember him from the 70's? He invented that big dance craze, the Barracuda.
Niles
Believe it or not, Maris was a big fan of his.
Frasier
No!
Niles
Yes, that was the one dance she could do. The Hustle was too strenuous — she had no booty to shake. But her fetching little under-bite was just perfect for the Barracuda.
Frasier
Niles, why is that woman staring at you?
Niles
God help me! It's that awful Mimi Cosgrove from the country club! Hide me! She's a man-eating lush who'd go to any lengths to—
Mimi
[coming over] Niles?
Niles
Mimi! You funny little good-for-nothing Mimi! [kisses her cheeks] What are you doing here?
Mimi
Oh, just looking for the bar... oh, there it is! [grabs his arm] Let me buy you a cocktail.
Niles
Well, actually, I—
Mimi
I don't know what it is about being on the water that makes me so thirsty! Ooh, have you been working out?
Roz
Look, there he is, the Barracuda!
Frasier
How thrilling! A fellow headliner on the U.S.S. Has-Been!
Roz
Oh, shut up!
Frasier
Come on, Roz, let's go over my notes for my lecture.
Barracuda
Dr. Frasier Crane? I am Carlos DelGato.
Frasier
[shakes his hand] Ah, hello. It's a pleasure to meet you. Oh, this is Roz Doyle.
Barracuda
Buenos noches. Habla espanol?
Roz
Uh, not really.
Barracuda
Is no matter. I am sure you are schooled in the... international language.
Frasier
Oh yes, Roz, say something amusing in Esperanto!
Barracuda
[nasal laugh] You know, each night, I select the most beautiful woman in my audience and present to her a red rose. That means the evening has just begun. Perhaps one night, chou will be... my especial lady? Until then...
Roz
O.K., you're right. We're on the Voyage of the Damned.
Mimi
So, are you still separated?
Niles
Uh, I'm afraid so.
Mimi
Oh, you poor thing.
Niles
Well, we're trying actually — couples' therapy.
Mimi
Oh, good! You know I've always thought the world of you and, uh...
Niles
Maris.
Mimi
Yeah, an angel! Anyway, if there's ever anything I can do to be of comfort to you, [leans over and nibbles his ear] you just let me know. Ooh, what is that marvelous fragrance?
Niles
Well, that's uh—
Waiter
Excuse me, sir, but the lady wanted to send you this, with her compliments.
Niles
What lady?
Waiter
Over there, in the black dress and the veil?
Niles
Maris!
Waiter
Oh, and there was one more thing.
Niles
Yes?
Waiter
I'm really very sorry, sir, but she gave me the biggest tip I've ever seen.
Mimi
I'm sure you can convince Maris that this is all completely innocent—if not, I'm in Cabin 712.
Frasier
Niles, Niles, what happened? Was that Maris I saw running out of here?
Niles
Yes! She saw Mimi pawing me and assumed the worst! I've got to go speak to her. How upset did she look?
Roz
Oh, I couldn't see anything past the outfit. Who wears a black dress and veil on a cruise?
Frasier
Roz, the woman has virtually no pigmentation! Three minutes in the sun, she'd sear like an Ahi tuna!
Niles
She's supposed to be in Switzerland! What's she doing here?!
Frasier
Niles, I'm sorry. This may be partly my fault. You see, I called Maris, told her how upset you were, and said it might be fun if she could join us on the cruise.
Niles
You invited her to come and didn't tell me?!
Frasier
Well, I thought it would be a nice surprise!
Niles
Oh, well it worked out perfectly! She's probably on the phone arranging to fly home from the next port. [the waiter comes by] Excuse me, excuse me. The lady who sent me the champagne, do you happen to know which stateroom she's in?
Waiter
No, sir. But she did ask me to give you a message.
Niles
Yes?
Niles
Just out of curiosity, how much are these running her?
Roz
You're on in twenty minutes. How's your speech coming?
Frasier
It's hard to concentrate. I'm so concerned about Niles.
Roz
[reads his first card and laughs] I like this opening joke you wrote, it's very funny.
Frasier
[chuckles] Thank you. I can't take all the credit, actually. I had a patty melt with Giggles before his show.
Frasier
Oh, Niles. I can't tell you again how sorry I am for meddling. How did it go with Maris?
Niles
Terribly. This is, without a doubt, the most depressing night of my life.
Roz
That is so funny— I'm sorry.
Niles
I spent hours looking for her, then I remembered her fondness for the Barracuda. I ran down to the lounge, and found that Latin cheese ball crooning his ghastly song directly to her! I started to make my way over, then a waiter came over, and by the time I got the champagne out of my eyes, she'd disappeared into the crowd. I waited for her. She never came out. Neither did DelGato.
Frasier
Niles, what are you implying?
Niles
You know Maris's taste for revenge. If she thinks I'm having an affair with Mimi, then she's going to try and punish me in kind.
Roz
Wow... do you really think she's planning to "do the Barracuda?"
Frasier
Niles, don't jump to conclusions, that's exactly what Maris did.
Niles
Says a lot about our marriage, doesn't it? No trust on either side, what hope is there for us?
Frasier
Is there anything I can do?
Niles
No, you've done enough. I'm just going to take a walk.
Frasier
Oh, I feel so guilty about this. When will I learn to stop interfering in other peoples' affairs? I'd better go talk to Maris, see if I can fix this.
Roz
You're gonna butt in again?
Frasier
I don't see what business that is of yours!
Roz
Here comes your dad.
Frasier
Oh, no! Oh, no! If he finds out, I'll never hear the end of it!
Martin
Boy, that "Taste of Alaska" spread was a bust. You want to know what caribou meat tastes like? Not chicken! Where's Niles?
Frasier
He's out on a walk... oh, I may as well tell you everything! Maris is on board. She and Niles had a horrible fight, and their marriage is in worse shape than it's ever been before, and no need to tell you how she got here in the first place!
Martin
I know, I know, what was I thinking, inviting her to come on the cruise?
Roz
You invited Maris?
Martin
Yeah, well, Niles was so upset over being alone on his anniversary, it just seemed like a good idea. Smart, huh? I give you all this guff about sticking your nose into other people's business, then I turn around and do the same damn thing.
Frasier
Oh, Dad, don't be too hard on yourself.
Roz
Frasier.
Frasier
Oh, all right! I invited Maris too.
Martin
You did? I thought I told you to keep your big bazoo shut!
Frasier
Oh, you're one to talk!
Martin
Well, so what do we do now?
Frasier
Nothing! Nothing at all! Just let them work things out themselves, and stay on the sidelines where we belong.
Martin
All right. [checks watch] Ooh, better get going, we're gonna miss the first seating for dinner!
Frasier
But Dad, my lecture's in fifteen minutes.
Martin
Oh, jeez. All right, guess I can't do everything. Tell me how it went at the midnight buffet!
Roz
We'd better get going too.
Frasier
Right. First, I'm going to go talk to Maris.
Roz
You just said—
Frasier
Forget what I said! You're coming too!
Roz
Why do you need me? I don't even know her.
Frasier
You can vouch for Niles's innocence.
Roz
Oh, all right. I have to admit, I'm kind of curious to meet her. You know, in all these years, I've never actually seen her face?
Frasier
Well, I haven't seen her most recent one, so this'll be a new experience for both of us.
Frasier
All right, now let me do all the talking—oh, and if it looks like she has an orange Abyssinian on her head—don't stare. That's a wiglet.
Maid
All through. Have a nice evening.
Frasier
Damn! She must not be here! [Roz goes in] Roz, what are you doing, you can't go in there!
Roz
I just want to see the room!
Frasier
You can't just barge into someone else's— [gasps] My God, is that a grand piano?!
Roz
Frasier, look!
Frasier
The Barracuda's calling card! That means that he's chosen Maris to be his...
Frasier/Roz
"Especial lady," eew!
Roz
Why are we hiding? We came here to talk to her!
Frasier
Because it's impossible to extol the virtues of trust to someone whose room you've just broken into!
Frasier
Oh, dear God! The shower is bigger than my entire cabin!
Roz
Shut up!
Roz
Martin!
Martin
Ahh! What are you two doing here?!
Frasier
We came to talk to Maris! What are you doing here?!
Martin
The same as you!
Frasier
Well, then why did you come in the bathroom?!
Martin
Well... what do you think?
Frasier
Oh, all right, fine.
Roz
Let's get the hell out of here.
Roz
It's Maris.
Martin
Well, what's the big deal, why don't we just go in there and talk to her?
Roz
We can't go in there now, she might not be alone. Remember the rose?
Frasier
Oh, God.
Roz
I don't see her, maybe she went back out. Oh, wait. I see her coat on a hat rack.
Frasier
Look closer. Is the hat rack moving?
Roz
Oh my God!
Martin
What's she doing?
Roz
Well, she seems to be alone.
Frasier
That's good.
Roz
Now she's pouring champagne — two glasses.
Frasier
Oh, that's bad.
Roz
Now she's putting on music.
Frasier
Oh, oh, that's bad. On so many levels.
Roz
She's coming this way!
Frasier
She's gone!
Martin
How the hell are we going to get out of here?
Frasier
I have no idea. All I know is that I have got to be downstairs in the next ten minutes, or two hundred people are going to be sorely disappointed!
Roz
Two hundred people? Where'd you hear that?
Frasier
They told me that was the room capacity! [Roz just looks at him] Oh! Oh, come on! Giggles had to add a show!
Martin
Shh, she's gonna hear us.
Roz
It's the Barracuda!
Martin
Who's the Barracuda?
Roz
He's a sleazy Latin lounge singer Maris is going to sleep with to get back at Niles for kissing Mimi!
Martin
Who's Mimi?
Frasier
A horny society boozer, and the Mrs. O'Leary's Cow of our current predicament!
Martin
Who's Mrs. O'Leary?
Frasier
A woman in Chicago who — oh, I don't have the time! The point is, we have got to stop this before Maris does something that is going to damage her relationship forever.
Roz
We cannot go out there. We don't want to walk in on the two of them.
Martin
I don't want to see that! I just ate caribou!
Frasier
Oh, all right. Seems I'm the only one who cares about this relationship. I will go and do it.
Niles
Maris, what a lovely bathroom! Naaah! [comes in and shuts the door] What are you doing here?!
Frasier
We came to convince Maris that there was nothing going on between you and Mimi! What are you doing here?!
Niles
Well, Maris and I ran into each other on deck, and we had a long talk, and, well, she invited me back here for a glass of champagne!
Martin
Oh, that's great, Niles!
Niles
Yes, though it might marr the mood a bit if she finds you all spying on her! [notices the sink] Did you use that mouthwash?
Frasier
No, Maris did.
Niles
My God — she's in the mood for more than champagne! You've got to leave right now. Just give me time to see her out to the balcony.
Frasier
A balcony?!
Niles
Count to ten, and then scram, so Maris and I can celebrate the way a man and his wife were meant to. [cracks the door] Oh, damn. She started without me.
Frasier/Martin/Roz
Eeww...
Niles
Drinking the champagne.
Frasier/Martin/Roz
Ohhh...