My Fair Frasier

Frasier

For you. [hands over gift]

Roz

Oh.

Frasier

A little token of thanks after you cut those new promos, Dr. Frank on KTLK practically vanished from the radio. [as she opens gift] I know I'm not very good at picking up gifts for people usually, but when I saw this in the window, I knew it was perfect for you.

Frasier

Still, maybe I should have gone with the shawl.

Roz

[crying] No, it's not the purse. Although I do hate it! [drops it] I don't even know why I'm crying.

Frasier

[hugs her] Oh, Roz, it's the pregnancy. A soup of hormones churns through your body and naturally your emotions are rising and falling at the slightest provocation.

Roz

That's idiotic!

Frasier

All right, all right, is there something else going on?

Roz

Last night was a disaster!

Frasier

Oh, right, your date.

Roz

You see, everything was going fine until he tried to order me a drink, but then I told him I was pregnant.

Frasier

You didn't tell him you were pregnant before the date?

Roz

Well, that's not the easiest thing in the world to tell someone! Besides, I was hoping my radiant glow would do the talking for me!

Frasier

Your glow! [laughs] Please, Roz, do you really think that... [off her glance] ...anyone could miss your glow?!

Roz

So, I tell him, and he says, "Fine, it's not a problem". Five minutes later, he tells me his pager's vibrating, he has an emergency, he has to go to work.

Frasier

Well, maybe he was telling the truth.

Roz

He sells wicker furniture! Who needs their end tables re- caned at nine-thirty at [sobbing] night!

Frasier

Roz, oh, God, Roz, Roz, look, I owe you an apology, Roz. It's not the hormones, you're embarking on a tremendous life- changing journey, now, naturally, anybody would be emotional. For what it's worth, I think you're handling it beautifully.

Roz

Oh, thanks, Frasier.

Roz

[suddenly pulls away refreshed] I just need to go back to work.

Roz

[suddenly irate again:] My God! My pen is out of ink!

Frasier

Well, let's not discount the hormones all together.

Frasier

Hello. I'd like to return this purse.

Assistant

I'm terribly sorry but this was a sale item and we have a no-return policy. You wife didn't like it?

Frasier

Well, I'm not married at the moment.

Assistant

Girlfriend?

Frasier

No, no, no, no girlfriend either, in fact I don't have time to go into all my other non-existent relationships, it was a gift for a friend.

Assistant

Ah, well, perhaps your [suggestively] FRIEND would like to make it work with some matching shoes. We have up to size thirteen.

Frasier

This really was a gift and I would thank you when you said the word "friend" not to italicise it!

Sam

Excuse me, sir, I couldn't help overhearing, may I help you out here?

Frasier

If you hold her down, I can do the rest. [laughs]

Sam

[laughs] Well, hopefully, that won't be necessary.

Sam

Ah, look, [reads her badge] Jill, we're all reasonable people here, why don't you just give this nice gentleman a store credit.

Assistant

Look, I don't make the rules.

Sam

Yes, but a shrewd saleswoman such as yourself knows that this business isn't about rules, it's about relationships. Now, look at this man, cultured, impeccably dressed, well- to-do, exactly the sort of man you'd love to have a relationship with... Now, there's only one thing standing in the way of that relationship, Jill, he's not happy with his purse.

Frasier

[interrupting] It's not MY purse.

Sam

Maybe his purse was the wrong colour, maybe it didn't hold enough.

Frasier

[laughing off other people's glances] It's not my purse.

Sam

The thing is, if this man walks away today unhappy, he may never shop here again, and who knows what he might have bought in the future; scarves, gloves, hosiery! The choice is yours, Jill, the commission that comes from a lifelong relationship or the hollow satisfaction of knowing you followed the rules!

Assistant

Okay, I'll go get the forms.

Frasier

Thank you, that was very impressive.

Sam

You should see me return something hard, like a house or a kidney! [laughs] You see the secret is persistence.

Frasier

Ah, I'm Frasier Crane.

Sam

I'm Samantha Pierce, Sam. [realises] Are you Dr. Frasier Crane?

Frasier

Yes, I am.

Sam

Oh, I thought your voice sounded familiar. Though for a while there, I thought you were the white zone's for loading and unloading only guy!

Frasier

[laughs] You know, I get that a lot. [laughs] Sam, listen, may I thank you for taking me to dinner tonight?

Sam

Oh, well, that's very sweet of you, but I was really just trying to be a good samaritan, thanks anyway.

Frasier

Oh, no, thank you.

Sam

Bye.

Frasier

Goodbye.

Frasier

Oh, Sam...

Sam

Okay, I'd love to go to dinner.

Frasier

Well, that's wonderful.

Sam

You see, persistence pays off!

Frasier

Actually, I was going to ask you to get my parking validated, but this works out very well too.

Martin

What are you doing?

Frasier

Just watchin' football with you. What's the score?

Martin

27-20.

Frasier

Oh, thanks.

Martin

Do you want to know who's winning?

Frasier

Not particularly, no.

Daphne

Well, someone has a special evening planned.

Frasier

As a matter of fact, I do. What tipped you off? My incredible self-confident air?

Daphne

No, your silver collar pin, you only wear it when you've got a hot date! [doorbell sounds] Good work getting all the tarnish off, it showed up quite nicely.

Daphne

Good evening, Dr. Crane.

Niles

Hello, Daphne. [enters] Dad, Frasier.

Frasier

Niles.

Niles

You gentlemen ready to go?

Martin

Now, give me a minute.

Frasier

Well, actually, I can't make it to the boat show with you and dad, this evening it will just be the two of you.

Niles

[putting on a brave face] Oh, too bad! Well, maybe some other time? [walks upstage] Goodness, it is a clear night?

Frasier

Yes, it's been rather windy lately.

Niles

Just look at those stars, is that Orion?

Frasier

Yes, I believe it is.

Niles

A-ha. [then] What the hell are you doing? We entered into a support pact, whenever there's a dad event, we're there for each other.

Frasier

Niles! I have a date with a spectacular woman!

Niles

So what? I gave up "Traviata" tickets to support you at a tractor pull!

Martin

[calls] Hey, Niles, I thought that we could stop at that Medieval restaurant for dinner.

Niles

[sticks head out] Oh, sounds great, dad.

Frasier

Daphne. Would you be interested in using my ticket to the boat show tonight?

Daphne

Yes, that would be nice.

Niles

[stops hitting] Very crafty.

Daphne

So, who's the lucky lady?

Frasier

You know, the name is Samantha Pierce, we just met yesterday. She recognised me from my radio show, you know what, in fact, when I asked her out, I sensed a bit of shyness which made me wonder if she was perhaps intimidated by my fame.

Martin

Did you say Samantha Pierce?

Frasier

Yeah, dad.

Martin

Short blonde hair, blue eyes?

Frasier

Right, how would you know that?

Martin

She's on "Larry King"!

King

We're here with noted attorney, Samantha Pierce, she's in Los Angeles to appear with us. Currently, she's trying a case in Seattle defending the butcher knife killer. [turns to Sam] Sam, I have to ask you. Don't you think being in the public eye, dating some of the world's most famous men, affects the way juries perceive you?

Sam

Now, that's not really fair, Larry. I don't date public figures.

King

What about the much-publicised relationship with Kevin Costner?

Sam

Oh, that's just a rumour.

King

George Stepanopolous?

Sam

A rumour too.

King

Brad Pitt is another rumour?

Sam

Yeah, but I started that one.

Niles

I can certainly see how she'd be intimidated by your fame!

Frasier

Gee, you know, I thought her name sounded familiar. I must have read it in the newspaper.

Martin

Congratulations, Fras', you're playing in the big leagues now. Kevin Costner, Stepanopolous... you!

Daphne

Don't let him shake your confidence. You'll be fine. Maybe she's had her fare of attractive men and is ready for a change.

Frasier

Well, aren't I lucky?! Normally a forest troll like me has to trick a woman to get a date!

Daphne

No, all I'm saying is, I once dated a man who'd gone out with several of the top British actresses but got sick of their vanity and insecurity.

Frasier

So there, you see, it does happen.

Daphne

Course, after he got through slumming, he dumped me and went back to actresses. But he did get me an autographed picture of Helena Bonham Carter. She's riding a pony!

Sam

So, Teddy Kennedy, Henry Kissinger and the Dalai Lama are all in this plane...

Frasier

Wait, wait, I think I've heard this joke.

Sam

No, no, this really happened to me about a month ago.

Frasier

[laughs] Well, don't I feel silly.

Sam

Never mind, it's not a very good story anyway.

Frasier

So, how's your appetiser?

Sam

Oh, it's delicious. [pause] Your salad?

Frasier

It's very good. [pause] Well, I haven't even tried it yet. [tastes it, he is pleased] Ah, yes, I was right.

Sam

Look, I hope this doesn't offend you, but I'm having a stressful day and I really don't have the energy to make a lot of small talk, plus I'm not very hungry. Would you mind terribly...

Frasier

Look, I think I know where this is headed. You don't have to say.

Sam

Frasier, can we just go someplace and have sex?

Frasier

[surprised] Well, that, you did have to say.

Sam

I'm sorry if that sounded forward, but it's the only thing I really want to do right now.

Frasier

Well, I'm flattered and the thought is very tempting, but you see on my show, I'm constantly preaching that people should get to know one another, have things in common, before taking that kind of step. [pause] What's your favourite colour?

Sam

Blue.

Frasier

Mine too. [to waiter:] Check, please!

Frasier

Oh, a-hoy there mateys. How was the boat show?

Daphne

Oh, it was wonderful.

Martin

Yeah, they had this one great exhibit, where you climb into this boat, you put on a life jacket and they simulate what it's like to be caught out at sea in a hurricane.

Frasier

Good Lord, Niles, why did you ever agree to go on a ride like that?

Niles

I didn't, I dined at the snack bar.

Martin

Well, I guess this wasn't a very hot night for you, huh, home by ten thirty?

Frasier

Well...

Sam

[o.s] Found my bra!

Sam

Oh, well, this is a little embarrassing.

Frasier

Oh, not at all, not at all. Sam, this is my brother, Dr. Niles Crane, my father, Martin Crane and his health care worker, Daphne Moon.

Daphne

I've been watching the trial on TV, it's fascinating.

Sam

For us too. Well, I better be going, I'm early in the morning.

Frasier

Right.

Sam

Lovely meeting all of you.

Frasier

I had a wonderful evening.

Sam

So did I. [kisses him] Good night.

Frasier

Well, I'm off to bed.

Niles

Oh, no, no, no, not so fast, mister! I can tell by that goofy smile of yours that you're obviously smitten with this woman.

Frasier

Thank you, Niles, but I am not some dewey-eyed teenager. [thinking aloud] She did say the cutest things... that murderers often show no remorse for their action because they have no moral center.

Frasier

It was cute the way she said it.

Frasier

All right, now, I want you to taste this, tell me what you think.

Sam

[tastes it] Mmmm, that's spectacular, where did you learn how to do that?

Frasier

That's just a little something I picked up as a child at sauce camp.

Sam

[into phone] Hello. What? When did this happen? Well, because we're expected to give full disclosure. Can't Brendan handle it? Oh, all right. [hangs up]

Sam

I suppose you know what I'm about to say.

Frasier

You wanna skip dinner again and go straight to sex?

Sam

I'm sorry, Frasier, I really am. And you went to all this trouble.

Frasier

It's all right. You know fine French cooking, it's always better after a night in the fridge.

Martin

Don't worry, we just came back to get our umbrellas and then we're leaving.

Frasier

No, no, no, stay, stay.

Sam

It's all right, I've been called back to work. It would be a shame to let a good meal go to waste.

Niles

[smells air] Ah, Frasier's morel mushroom and tarragon sauce.

Sam

Wow, how did you know that?

Frasier

Niles has always been able to identify a sauce from a great distance.

Martin

His mother and I were so proud!

Sam

Well, if it's not too late, maybe I'll be able to come back over afterwards.

Sam

Either well, I'll call you.

Frasier

That's what you said yesterday, but you forgot.

Sam

I told you I was sorry about that. I promise, I'll call.

Daphne

What a shame, and after you cooked that lovely meal.

Frasier

Yes, let me tell you something, Crown Roast does not prepare itself! [sits on sofa arm] You know, it's funny, as much as I care for this woman, there's something about this relationship that leaves me vaguely unsettled.

Niles

I might venture a theory at which you're sure to hoot! What may be making you uncomfortable is that for the first time you find yourself in a more submissive role.

Frasier

What on God's earth are you talking about?

Daphne

I think what he means is - you're the girl!

Niles

Well, think about it. How did you two first meet? She came to your rescue. Who initiated the first sexual encounter? She did.

Martin

She did?! For God's sake, who's wearing the pants in this relationship?!

Niles

My point exactly, dad.

Frasier

Oh, fine, look, as much fun it must be to spin out this little theory, it's entirely without foundation.

Frasier

[feminine] Dear God, there's my Rosemary Bread!

Daphne

Look, if it's any consolation, I know what you're going through. Women have been putting up with it for generations. Men say they'll call and they don't, or you get a few nice dinners and then the eventual booty call.

Frasier

I did not get a booty call! [pause] What's a booty call?

Daphne

It's a late night call inviting you to meet but with the true goal of just having sex.

Frasier

Oh, God, I did get a booty call.

Martin

You know, Frasier, if you ask me, you should nip this thing in the bud before it gets out of hand. [nods towards Niles] I don't think we have to look beyond our own family to find an example of someone who let a woman run the show from the beginning and has been paying for it ever since.

Niles

[looks up] Poor Uncle Frank.

Frasier

Well, I can see I'm wasting my time fighting you people. You can take the tiniest detail from my relationship with Sam and twist it to support your ridiculous theory.

Sam

I saw a guy out on the street selling these, I thought they might cheer you up.

Frasier

[takes them] Oh, Sam, they're beautiful.

Sam

I really gotta run.

Frasier

Oh, I suppose, now, you're going to read something into this!

Sam

God, I really love that tie.

Frasier

Oh, as well you should, you sent it to me.

Sam

Oh, yeah, right.

Frasier

You had your secretary pick it up, didn't you?

Sam

Yes, but only because he has better taste than I do. Don't worry about tonight, Frasier, I know how boring these lawyer parties always are.

Daniel

Sam.

Sam

Oh, Frasier, I'd like you to meet our senior partner, Daniel Peel.

Daniel

Hi, how are you? Sam, they're ready for us on that conference call.

Sam

Oh, right, yeah, well, it'll just take a minute.

Jennifer

Who are you?

Frasier

I'm Frasier.

Jennifer

I'm Jennifer, Stewart's wife.

Frasier

Hello.

Jennifer

And this is Cindy Dolsay, she's married to Bob. Terri Bailey, she's living with Ned. And Vanessa St. Clare, soon to be Mrs. Irving Lumpowsky.

Frasier

Well, good heavens.

Vanessa

So, how long have you and Sam been seeing each other?

Frasier

Well, actually, just about three weeks. We haven't really been able to get much time together, but she assures me that'll all change as soon as the...

Women

[all together] ...trial is over! [laughs]

Jennifer

There's always another trial, but you'll get used to the life. Dates get cancelled, dinners left uneaten but at least you'll get sent plenty of flowers.

Cindy

Oh, Jennifer, he's a man, he won't get flowers.

Frasier

Oh, Sam, Sam, could I have a word with you in private.

Sam

Sure.

Sam

Is there something wrong?

Frasier

Well, now's the not best time to bring this up, but, please, I'm feeling an uneasiness about this relationship.

Sam

What do you mean?

Frasier

Well, er, look, I'm not one to get bogged down in male/female role playing, it's just that lately, well... Take our first date, we'd barely begun dinner when you suggested that we run off and go to bed together, well, traditionally that is... [realises] well, every man's dream, okay, bad example! But then, the way that you cancel dates all the time and say you'll call and you don't call, and then you have your secretary send me a gift and then when I get upset about it, you think you can buy we off with flowers.

Sam

Is that it? That's what you dragged me out here for? I'm in the middle of the most intense case of my entire career, a man's life hangs in the balance and you're whining about flowers?!

Frasier

Well, I think whining's a little strong.

Sam

Well, well, tell me what you mean, Frasier. I mean, if you're the one who has to work late hours and is breaking all the dates and is sending flowers and gifts, would that be okay?

Frasier

No, no, it's....

Sam

Good God! You're a psychiatrist, shouldn't you be above all this?!

Frasier

Look, I'm just telling you how I feel and now you're yelling at me!

Sam

Well, just tell me what you want, Frasier. Do you want to be the traditional man, and I'll be the put-upon woman?

Frasier

No. That's not what I want. [sighs] I just wish that we could have a relationship where neither one of us is the man.

Sam

So, that would make us, what? A lesbian couple?

Frasier

[laughs] Well, they're very in now.

Sam

I know no-one likes being stood up. I'll try to be more understanding.

Frasier

And I'll try to stop being so damn emotional.

Sam

You know, I'm glad we had this little talk because I was about to make a very big mistake.

Frasier

What?

Sam

Well, the other day, when we were at the store, you mentioned that you liked something and, well, typical me, I just ran right out and bought it.

Frasier

Oh, well, we certainly dodged the bullet, there didn't we? [hopeful] What was it?

Frasier

And you bought this for me?

Sam

Yeah, I'm really rather embarrassed, Frasier. You were right, I take relationships for granted and then I just run right off to Cartier and buy you an expensive gift to make up for it!

Frasier

[gleeful] Cartier?

Sam

I'll return it, I promise. I know how strongly you feel.

Frasier

Well, you know, maybe I've been just a bit self-absorbed lately and if you're really the kind of person who likes to express their affections by buying gifts then who am I to stand in your way? [puts it on] All right, it's lovely.

Frasier

Well...

Sam

No, Frasier, about the gift, I just give gifts because I can never think of the right words to...

Frasier

Is this what you're trying to say?

Sam

Very well put. [kiss again] Well, what do you say we get out of here? I'll get our coats.

Frasier

No, no, I will get out coats.

Sam

You don't know where they are.

Frasier

Oh, all right, you get them.

Jennifer

I'm so bored. What time is it?

Frasier

Time? Well, let's just have a look.