Desperately Seeking Closure
Aired 9th December 1997 · Written by Rob Hanning · Directed by Pamela Fryman
Customer
Half caff latte, please.
Waiter 1
[shouts] Half caff latte!
Waitress
[shouts] Half caff latte!
Waiter 2
[shouts] Half caff latte!
Niles
[now first in cue] I rather like this new system, it's lively.
Waiter 1
Well, it's more efficient. What can I get for you?
Niles
I'll have a double shot, low fat, no foam latte.
Waiter 1
[shouts] Double shot, low fat, no foam latte!
Waitress
[shouts] Double shot, non fat, low foam latte!
Waiter 2
[shouts] Double shot, non fat, no foam latte!
Niles
Excuse me, I think there was a problem in the chain of command, the middle person reversed part of it. She said, "A double shot, non fat, low foam latte".
Waiter 1
[shouts] Double shot, non fat, low foam latte!
Waitress
[shouts] Double shot, non fat, low foam latte!
Waiter 2
[shouts] Double shot, non fat, no foam latte!
Niles
No, it happened again, that's not what I want.
Waiter 2
Well, you can tell her youself.
Niles
[to waitress] All right, I'll have a double shot, low fat, no foam latte.
Waitress
[shouts] Double shot, low fat, no foam latte.
Waiter 2
[shouts] Double shot, low fat, no foam latte. Nutmeg?
Waitress
[shouts] Nutmeg?
Waiter 1
[shouts] Nutmeg?
Niles
No thanks. It inflames my stomach lining.
Waiter 1
[shouts] Inflames his stomach lining!
Waitress
[shouts] Inflames his stomach lining!
Waiter 2
[shouts] Inflames his stomach lining!
Niles
Stop that!
Frasier
Hello, Niles.
Niles
Welcome back. I trust you and Samantha had a pleasant weekend?
Frasier
Oh, God, it was fabulous. We stayed at this gorgeous cabin just outside Aspen, we took a chopper every morning to the top of the mountain, God, I just didn't want it to end.
Niles
That would explain why you're still wearing that ridiculous jacket in an over heated café.
Frasier
Oh, well, in Aspen they all wear them indoors. Oh, God, the funniest thing happened in the lodge last night. Jack Nicholson and Tom Brokaw discovered they were wearing exactly the same jacket. [laughs] So they staged a mock fight. Suddenly, Donna Karen flew between them pretending to referee, I laughed so hard I nearly spilled my toddy on someone named Puff Daddy.
Waitress
Can I get anything for you?
Niles
Just a dustpan and broom to sweep up some of these names!
Frasier
Cappucino, please.
Frasier
Oh, by the way, Niles. Do we have plans for tonight?
Niles
Yes, why?
Frasier
Well, I'm afraid I have to cancel. It's my one month anniversary with Sam, I'd like to take her to L'escalias for dinner.
Niles
I understand, of course. One month is quite a milestone, thanks for the reminder - I need to change my water filter. [sips coffee] Damn, they put nutmeg on this!
Frasier
Oh, speaking of Meg. Meg Ryan told me the most delightful story about practical joke Tony Hopkins played on Jodie at the ramp party for the "Lambs".
Niles
My stomach lining is just not going to get a break today, is it?!
Sam
Look, I'm sorry I was late, Frasier.
Frasier
Oh, gosh, no, no, that's all right. I took the liberty of ordering us the "Taste Of Monaco" dinner.
Sam
Oh, good choice.
Frasier
As I recall, that's what you ordered on our first date. Course, it wasn't food that you were craving that night. You whisked me away back to my place before the crab cakes could even arrive. You know, there's no better way to celebrate an anniversary than with a historical re-enactment. I've got my costume on underneath!
Sam
Actually, I'm really looking forward to those crab cakes.
Frasier
Oh, great, well, yes, yes, I suppose we should try the food here once. [laughs] Well, be sure to leave some room, you're bound to find a little Frasier-mint on your pillow when we get home! [laughs] By the way, thanks again for this weekend.
Sam
You're welcome.
Frasier
You know, it's funny, I think it was a real turning point for us... well, for me. You see, I was so relaxed! At the beginning of relationships usually I-I'm very tentative. I just have this dark fear that I'm about to be cut loose. [laughs]
Sam
Frasier...
Frasier
Oh, I know, I know. I'm just being so insecure, it's nice to know that I'm on solid ground.
Sam
Um, Frasier...
Frasier
I'm standing on quicksand, aren't I?
Sam
I didn't want to talk about this until later...
Frasier
Oh my God!
Sam
I was just... It's not working out between the two of us. Now, it's not you, it's me. I just don't feel the same way about us anymore.
Frasier
But things were going so well. What happened?
Sam
Oh, nothing happened. We had a wonderful time together, Frasier, it's just run its course. I'm sorry.
Frasier
Oh, well, I'm sorry too.
Sam
I hope we can still be friends.
Frasier
Oh, yes, I'd like that too. Well, you know, seeing as we're friends and all, I suppose there's no reason we shouldn't stay and enjoy what's sure to be a splendid meal.
Sam
Absolutely.
Frasier
Great.
Waiter
Your first course. [puts them down]
Frasier
Ah, thank you. Tell me, how many more courses are there?
Waiter
Six, sir.
Frasier
Could you bring those all at once?
Daphne
Good Lord!
Martin
What?
Daphne
Look at this headline.
Martin
[reads] "Martin Crane Dead". Wu-hu-oo! Bet you don't need much coffee after that! Gee, fifty eight, poor guy, hardly had a life.
Daphne
Handsome fellow, though.
Martin
Yeah, multi-millionaire, decorated war hero, wrote a spy novel. [reads] "Survived by his wife, Florence, former Miss. Washington and two sons, Joe, a Marine Corps colonel, and the professional baseball player, Mickey Crane". [puts paper down] Nothing like starting the day off jealous of a dead guy!
Frasier
Oh, hello all. [they greet him]
Daphne
You were up and out early today.
Frasier
Yes, well, I thought like taking a walk. I've got a lot on my mind, I picked up some pastry. [puts it down and sits]
Daphne
Well, whatever it is, you'll cheer up when you see these photos from your ski weekend. I admit, I took a peek. [hands them over] I must say, this Sam of yours is quite a catch. She's gorgeous, smart, stylish...
Frasier
We broke up last night! [discards photos]
Daphne
Orange juice, anyone?
Martin
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Fras'.
Frasier
Oh, it's all right. It was a mutual decision. Well, a little more mutual on her part than mine. Once she dumped me, I jumped right on board. Anyway, I'll be fine, dad.
Martin
Well, that's the spirit, just put it all behind you.
Frasier
Exactly. But I must admit, I'm having a little difficulty achieving closure. See, Sam said that her feelings changed for no reason! Can't help it might have been something specific about me!
Martin
Now, hold on, don't try to make this your fault!
Daphne
Yeah, she's probably telling the truth. If a woman's trying to spare your feelings, she'll give you the old, "It's not you, it's me".
Frasier
That's exactly what she said!
Daphne
Waffles, anyone?
Martin
Now, you know, Fras', I know you're always looking for an explanation for everything but sometimes there isn't one.
Frasier
Yeah, I know dad. It's gonna just drive me crazy. You know, until I know why it ended, I'll just assume it was any number of things about me. My self confidence will be shattered.
Martin
Well, you've got two choices here. You can spend days trying to figure it out until it drives you nuts or you can do the smart thing, make a clean break, never talk to her again, and get on with your life.
Frasier
You're right, dad, that's exactly what I should do. Thank you.
Martin
No problem.
Frasier
You know, sometimes you're very insightful.
Martin
Well, I've been around the block a few times. [pause] So, when are you going to go talk to her?
Frasier
Right after my waffles.
Frasier
Sam, Sam, what are the chances?! You've found my thinking place!
Sam
Frasier, listen, I'm ten minutes late for a deposition.
Frasier
Well, we can walk and talk.
Sam
All right.
Frasier
Look, you know, I'm loving this new arrangement of ours, I think we being friends thing is going to work out great.
Sam
Uh, listen, could you pick up the pace a little?
Frasier
Right. So, how've you been?
Sam
Frasier, I just saw you last night.
Frasier
So you did, and now that you bring up last night... God, you do walk fast... Er, I'm looking for a little clarification.
Sam
I told you this has nothing to do with you.
Frasier
Yes, but it seems highly unlikely that such a sudden change could have nothing to do with me. I mean, maybe it is something that I did unintentionally. [bumps into someone] I'm sorry, my fault. [moves on] You know, something this weekend, maybe? I know I played the piano in the lounge a little too long but who knew General Schwartzkopf was so crazy for show tunes!
Sam
Frasier, there's nothing I'm not telling you. Sometimes things just end. Please, try to not take it so personally.
Frasier
All right.
Sam
Right, I really am late, I'll talk to you soon, okay?
Frasier
Take care.
Frasier
Oh...
Man
What's the matter with you?
Frasier
That's just it. I don't know!
Niles
Where is Frasier? He knows we have "Berveda's", if you're late they give away your table and make you sit in the kitchen with the owner's mother.
Martin
What the hell did I do with that remote? Daphne, are you sure you haven't seen it?
Daphne
Positive.
Martin
They ought to make one with a sensor on it. You get more than twenty feet from the TV, it senses it and starts beeping. Maybe for a deaf person they could make one that has purple smoke coming out of it like some kind of flare system or something.
Daphne
Mr. Crane, I'm begging you, you've got to get out of the house more!
Frasier
Hello all. Oh, Niles, what a pleasant surprise.
Niles
Just what Momma Bervada will say when we pull up a chair!
Frasier
Oh, that's right, dinner, I completely forgot. I took a long walk after work, I'm sorry, Niles. It must have completely slipped my mind.
Niles
Yes, well, "Bervada's" out now. I take it you're still consumed with the Sam situation.
Frasier
I was just trying to figure out what happened.
Niles
The relationship ended, that's what happened.
Frasier
But there's got to be a reason!
Niles
See, you're fixated.
Frasier
I am not fixated! [pointing at Martin] That is fixated! Dad, what the hell are you doing?
Martin
Oh, this is stupid! Maybe if I stick together ten chopsticks and put a rubber tip on the end for gripping.
Frasier
Oh, hello.
Roz
Hi.
Daphne
I'll be ready in a sec, Roz.
Roz
[calls] Oh, it's all right, the movie doesn't start till eight.
Frasier
Oh, yes, that's right, I forgot you two had plans. Come on in, Roz. You know, I was wondering...
Roz
No! I don't know why Sam broke up with you, okay? Just like I didn't know two hours ago. Just like Gil and Bulldog and Miss. Judy from the Arts & Crafts hour didn't know!
Frasier
It never hurts to ask. Miss. Judy had some real insights before she had to make her popsicle stick run.
Martin
I think I'll go to Duke's, watch the game there.
Frasier
Oh, wait, wait, everybody, before you scatter. I'd like to ask an enormous favour. In the spirit of, well, self- improvement. I'd like you to tell me in your own words just what exactly about me you find unloveable.
Frasier
Wait! Wait, my God, it's really for the sake of our future relationships. I mean, it just, I know that you're afraid to hurt my feelings but I can stand a little constructive criticism. Now, come on, please, what do you think are my main faults?
Martin
Well, let's start with what you're doing now. You analyse everything to death. Sam said it wasn't your fault but you keep digging around and digging around until you drive everybody nuts.
Frasier
[writing in pad] Okay. Dad thinks I am over analytical. That's great, we've got the ball rolling, okay, who's next? Niles?
Niles
I'm sorry, I'm not entirely sure how useful this exercise is.
Frasier
Niles, I don't care how you feel about it, you're going to participate!
Niles
Pushy.
Frasier
Well, yes, if that's what it takes to... [realises] Oh, thank you. [writes it] All right, Daphne, it's your turn, don't be shy.
Daphne
Well, if I had to choose, I'd say you are a bit of a fuss budget.
Frasier
Fuss budget! Well, listen, if you don't mind the substitution, I think maybe "demanding" is more the mot juste.
Daphne
Pretentious.
Frasier
Right, you see, this is very good. Roz, you must have something?
Roz
Well, you are a little full of yourself.
Frasier
Great. Okay, pompous.
Roz
And you do tend to ramble on with the callers.
Frasier
[writing] A tad loquacious.
Martin
Pretentious.
Frasier
Dad, I all ready wrote that down.
Martin
Underline it!
Niles
Oh, snippy.
Daphne
Sarcastic.
Martin
Bossy.
Niles
Huffy.
Roz
Vain.
Frasier
Oh, how nice we've finally found an activity we all enjoy together!
Roz
Oh, come on, Frasier, why don't you just admit what you're doing here. This isn't some "help-me-be-a-better-person" thing. You're trying to figure out what you can fix so you can win Sam back.
Frasier
Oh, now, Roz, that's proposterous.
Roz
Look who you're talking to! I've been down this road so many times, I call it "The Roz Expressway".
Niles
I've heard that phrase before but in a slightly different context.
Frasier
Well, all right, maybe there is some truth in what you say, I mean, after all, Sam is really quite a catch, why wouldn't I want to get her back?
Roz
But you shouldn't change yourself just to please her. It's not healthy, and it doesn't work, and if it did, Steve Wilson would be my husband and not just some name tattoed on my butt!
Daphne
If you want my advice the best thing you can do is nothing. Just leave her be to think about what she's missing out on.
Roz
I totally agree. No candy, no flowers and what ever you do, don't call.
Frasier
Well, I don't see anything wrong with keeping the lines of communication open.
Roz
Oh God, you called didn't you?
Frasier
Well, maybe I left a carefully worded message.
Roz
Oh, Frasier, you never call somebody who's broken up with you. It makes you look desperate.
Frasier
Well, I didn't have any choice, she wouldn't return any of my pagers! [realises] Oh God, I've blown it haven't I?
Daphne
Well, that depends. What did you say in your message?
Frasier
Well, nothing undignified. Of course, tone of voice is everything, isn't it? You know, maybe I should just play them for you.
Roz
Wait, you have her access code for her answering machine?
Frasier
Yes, luckily I set it up with her. I gave her an access code that would be easy to remember - my birthday.
Martin
What's so easy about May 7th?
Frasier
I wouldn't know, dad, my birthday's in March!
Martin
Oh, that's right. The seventh, that's Eddie!
Frasier
Okay, okay, here we go. All right, now, listen and tell me if you think I sound desperate.
Secretary
[v.o] Hi, Sam. Two quick things - dinner at L'escalias is not at 8:30 and the judge needs to see you at nine tomorrow morning and not ten. Bye.
Niles
I didn't get desperate, I got feminine!
Frasier
Shut up, Niles!
Frasier
[v.o] Hello, Sam, it's Frasier. Give me a call, if you get a chance. Bye.
Daphne
You don't sound desperate at all.
Frasier
[v.o] Hi, Sam, I forgot to mention I'll be at the office. Call me. It's Frasier.
Niles
Well, maybe just a whiff of desperation.
Frasier
[v.o] Hi, I'm at the office now.
Frasier
[v.o] Still at the office.
Frasier
[v.o] I stepped out to the coffee machine. Thought I might have missed you.
Niles
How quickly a whiff becomes a stench!
Frasier
You know, they just get worse after that.
Martin
There's more?
Frasier
Yes. [presses button] Not anymore though. There, messages erased.
Roz
Hey, your messages were not the only ones on there. What about the one from her secretary about the meeting with the judge?
Frasier
Oh, my God, you're right. That did sound important.
Roz
So, what are you going to do about it?
Frasier
Well, I guess I could just call back and leave a message saying that I inadvertantly erased the message of hers while I was erasing a bunch of other messages that I left earlier.
Roz
With her secret access code!
Frasier
[realising] Right! Oh, God, this is humiliating.
Martin
Now, Frasier, I hate to appear unsupportive, but I've got to get to Duke's for the game.
Roz
Yeah, and we're going to be late for that movie.
Daphne
Oh, wait, I forgot my purse.
Martin
Oh, don't worry about it Frasier. You'll be fine, you'll bounce back. You're tough.
Roz
And resourceful.
Niles
Resilient.
Martin
Optimistic.
Niles
Tenacious.
Daphne
Conceited.
Martin
Different list, Daph'!
Frasier
It's hard to believe this picture was taken only three days ago. Look at us. How happy I was. Now, I'll never see her again.
Niles
Aren't you over dramatising? You're bound to run into her now and then.
Frasier
No, I was talking about me and Lesley Stahl.
Niles
You know, looking at these photos, I can't help noticing there are very few of you and Sam together.
Frasier
What are you getting at?
Niles
Well, I'm just wondering how much you really feel for this woman?
Frasier
Oh, don't be ridiculous, I haven't felt this way for ages.
Niles
I'm sorry. I guess I was wrong. It's love then.
Frasier
Well, I don't know about love. We've only been seeing each other for a month.
Niles
But you could see yourself falling in love with her?
Frasier
Possibly.
Niles
Some time down the line?
Frasier
Yes, yes, perhaps.
Niles
Well, no wonder you're heartbroken. You've just lost the only woman you could even possibly sometime down the line perhaps fall in love with. I'm surprised the country music people haven't jumped all over this one!
Frasier
Oh, all right, so I don't rhapsodise about her.
Niles
No, you did rhapsodise when she took you to "Le Cigare Volant" and you were seated in a secret VIP room we never knew existed.
Frasier
What are you suggesting? That I'm so shallow I was with her mainly for her connections?
Niles
I wouldn't put it as harshly as that but let's face it, ever since we were young, you've had a yearning to run with the cool kids and it's never worked out for you. Your one day on the football team? The summer you bought that motorcycle. Although, to be accurate...
Frasier
Hey, it's only a moped if you pedal it and I never pedaled!
Niles
I just wonder if what you're mourning is not so much the loss of Sam, it's the loss of her celebrity lifestyle.
Frasier
I must admit things never did seem quite right between us. God, if it hadn't been for her friends, I probably would have broken it off myself. Oh, God, shame on me.
Niles
Don't punish yourself, Frasier. At least you're deep enough to realise you're shallow. [pause] Dinner?
Frasier
Let's.
Niles
All right.
Frasier
All though, I've still got to phone her about that message.
Niles
Oh, you know what. Why don't we stop by "L'escalias" on our way to dinner. You can just run in and tell her in person.
Frasier
Even better! God, Niles, I can't tell you helpful this has been. Really, how can I ever repay you?
Niles
You can start by getting me into that VIP room in "Le Cigare Volant" - where is the entrance? [guesses] By the cigarette machine?
Frasier
No, that's just a decoy. It's through the dry cleaner's next door.
Niles
No.
Frasier
Hello, Sam.
Sam
Frasier.
Frasier
I know you didn't expect to see me tonight.
Sam
Well, of course after all the messages, I'm not totally surprised.
Frasier
Oh God, you heard them?
Sam
I checked my machine this afternoon. Frasier, I think we really need to talk.
Frasier
No, no, we don't. I promise you I will never call you again. I've thought about this and believe me you made the right decision.
Sam
No, no, I didn't.
Frasier
Excuse me?
Sam
Yes. Please, sit down. [he does] I was going to call you later anyway. You see, I think I figured out what happened between the two of us. I panicked. You see, I was starting to really care about you. I thought we might even have a future, even, and, well, it scared well. But the way you pursued me, showing up at the courthouse and leaving all of those messages and now you're here. Obviously, you feel just as strongly as I do. It's funny really. The both of us falling in love so fast and not realising the other one felt the same way. We should be laughing.
Frasier
Oh, listen, Sam...
Sam
No, no, I'm going to tell you what we're going to be doing this weekend. We're taking the concord to London for a party at Alec Guiness' place.
Frasier
I'm not so sure that... [realises] Sir Alec Guiness?
Sam
Yes, well, I know it's a long way to go but Stephen is going to be there, he's promised to play some songs for the new one.
Frasier
I don't know... [realises] Stephen Sondheim?
Sam
Yes, oh, and you'll never guess who'll be singing with him.
Frasier
[cringes] No, please don't tell me, please.
Sam
Frasier, what is it? You seem upset.
Frasier
Sam, I can't see you anymore.
Sam
What?
Frasier
I think you're an incredible woman but I've come to a realisation about us, well about me, and I just don't see any future for us. I know it sounds strange after the way I was pursuing you but I... I've been in it for all the wrong reasons.
Sam
Like what?
Frasier
Well, I'm not very proud of this, but maybe I was a little dazzled by the circle you travel in.
Sam
So you were with me just so you could be around some famous people?
Frasier
It's not as though I wasn't fond of you as well.
Sam
Fond of me? Oh, well, thank you very much.
Frasier
But I understand that you're upset and I'm just gonna go.
Sam
I don't believe this... my friend!
Frasier
I know it's shallow and it's something I'm going to have to work on.
Lesley
Hi, Sam, how are you?
Frasier
[star struck] Lesley, hello. Dr. Frasier Crane, we met this weekend.
Lesley
Oh, are how you?
Sam
What kind of sick bastard are you?
Frasier
Don't worry, we're just having a little bit of a spat. But, of course, I don't need to tell you, being the ace reporter that you are.
Sam
Just get out of here right now!
Frasier
Right, right, okay. [then to Leslie] Listen, if you're in town for a while, maybe we can have lunch?
Sam
Get out!
Frasier
What is the matter with me?!
Frasier
Lesley. [gestures towards her that he'll ring her]