Perspectives On Christmas
Aired 16th December 1997 · Written by Christopher Lloyd · Directed by David Lee
Martin
Ow! Easy.
Masseur
Sorry, your neck is tight.
Martin
Yeah, well, it's been a tense couple of days.
Masseur
The holidays'll do that to you.
Martin
Yeah well, this has been the worst Christmas ever. It all started yesterday...
Martin
You know the only part about Christmas I don't like? How quickly it's all over!
Frasier
Yes. Come December 26th, it's all just a memory. With nothing but your light decorating touch to remind us.
Daphne
Afternoon, all!
Martin
Oh, hi Daphne!
Niles
Oh! That's awfully dangerous, Daphne, standing there under that mistletoe.
Frasier
That's enough eggnog, Niles! [takes his cup away]
Daphne
You know, the oddest thing just happened. [Niles takes Daphne's coat, sniffing the fragrances] I was walking Eddie past that church over on Chestnut. And he turned to go inside, like he assumed that was where we were going.
Frasier
That's strange! He did exactly the same thing with me yesterday when I was walking him.
Daphne
Any idea why he would do that, Mr. Crane?
Martin
Look, that dog's always doing weird things! Yesterday, when we were taking our bath together, Eddie spent fifteen straight minutes pushing the soap around with his nose like an otter. It's weird! [goes into the kitchen]
Frasier
Yes, if he gets any weirder, we'll have to send "Eddie" to a home.
Frasier
Well, I'm off, I've got all my Christmas shopping to do yet.
Martin
All of it?
Frasier
Yes, well, I'm determined not to settle this year. I want my gifts to be remembered and cherished long after the holidays.
Martin
Well, you know, nothing is cherished quite so much as the gift of laughter.
Frasier
If you want that "Highway Patrol Bloopers" tape, you're gonna have to buy it yourself! [Martin starts to take a sip] Oh, Dad! You're not going to drink that that way, are you?
Martin
Why?
Frasier
My Goodness, the first mistake in eggnog preparation is failing to garnish it properly with a dash of nutmeg. [Frasier sprinkles some on] There we are.
Martin
Oh!
Frasier
Of course, the second mistake is placing the paprika next to the nutmeg on the spice shelf.
Daphne
[calls from the living room.] Mr. Crane, are you alright?
Frasier
We're fine, Daphne! You all right, Dad?
Martin
Yeah, I'm fine. Listen Frasier, before you go, can I talk to you for a minute?
Frasier
Well sure, what is it?
Martin
Well, you know what Daphne was talking about? There is a reason Eddie knows that church. I've been taking him there.
Frasier
I guess the family that bathes together prays together.
Martin
Well, no. But there's this priest, Father Curtis, he got to know Eddie in the park and he asked if they could use him for the Christmas pageant and I said sure. Well, the next thing I know, he's roped me in to play a shepherd. Well then, Dutch Gaansvort comes down with bronchitis and I get promoted to a wise man...
Frasier
Dad, is there a point to this story looming somewhere on the horizon?
Martin
As a wise man, I have to sing a song. I said, well that was fine, but this song's a killer. I'm going to humiliate myself!
Frasier
Oh well, maybe you just need a little rehearsal. Why don't we work on it tonight?
Martin
Really? Do you think that would help?
Frasier
Sure! You're a good singer, you're just a little rusty. Start around eight?
Martin
OK. Yeah, I am a good singer! Remember those old family picnics when I used to belt out "What's New, Pussycat"?
Frasier
We'll start around seven, then. [walks out] Niles, hold the elevator!
Martin
Hey boys, this is that song I was telling you about, "Oh Holy Night," do you know it?
Frasier
Well, of course Dad, it's a classic. My God, it all builds up to that one glorious note. "Oh night, [high] de-viiiine, oh..."
Martin
Yes, yes, that's the note I can't hit. I practice in my room and Eddie ends up burying his head under the pillow.
Niles
Don't worry, Dad, we'll get you there.
Martin
All right, can we just can this done? I want to get it all finished before Daphne gets back. I don't want her to know anything about this or she'll insist on coming down to the pageant, and I'm nervous enough as it is.
Frasier
Fine.
Niles
[sits at piano] Let's just see what we have to work with. Why don't you start here, "Oh night," and I want to hear you really attack the note. [plays]
Martin
[singing:] Oh night, When Christ was born. Oh night di-viiiine!!
Niles
Sometimes the note sees the attack coming and retreats!
Martin
Shut up! This bozo upstairs, he bangs on the floor every time I start to sing.
Frasier
Just ignore him, Dad. I tell you what, there is another vocal exercise I remember, it was very useful to me when I was singing Colonel Fairfax in "Yeoman Of The Guard." The principal is to distract yourself with a physical exercise, thus freeing the voice. You hit one note and you slide up the octave as you descend slowly into a crouched position. Observe.
Frasier
You see? It works.
Niles
That's very interesting. I wonder if the reverse is true.
Frasier
Try it, Dad.
Martin
No, I'm afraid with three of us doing it, it might look stupid.
Niles
I'm starting to think your problem is all psychological. No, no, no, I think you've convinced yourself you can't reach the note...
Martin
Yeah, I've convinced the guy upstairs too!
Frasier
No, I think Niles may be right, Dad. You just need some positive reinforcement. Let's try it again. This time, try to eliminate any negative thoughts. Let's go again, Niles, "Fall on your knees."
Martin
"Fall on your knees..."
Frasier
I hear sweet music!
Martin
"Oh, hear the angels' voices..."
Niles
I hear one angel!
Martin
"Oh, night divine..."
Frasier
Something's divine!
Niles
Yeah, Dad!
Martin
"Oh night, when Christ was born..."
Frasier
A star is born!
Martin
"Oh, night..."
Frasier
Bring it home now!
All
Oh, shut up!
Masseur
Your shoulders are awfully tight.
Daphne
Yeah, it's been a stressful few days.
Masseur
I'd be happy to listen.
Daphne
Oh, no... well, it started yesterday. I had something on my mind. Lucky for me, Dr. Crane's brother was over. He's always been such a good friend to me...
Daphne
Afternoon, all!
Martin
Oh, hi Daphne!
Niles
Oh, that's awfully dangerous, Daphne, standing under that mistletoe. A piece could fall into your eye.
Frasier
Let me freshen your drink, Niles! [takes his cup away]
Daphne
Thank you, Dr. Crane. The oddest thing just happened. [Niles takes Daphne's coat] I was walking Eddie past that church over on Chestnut, and he turned to go inside, like he assumed that was where we were going.
Frasier
That's strange! He did exactly the same thing yesterday when I was walking him.
Daphne
Any idea why he would do that, Mr. Crane?
Martin
Nope! [shrugs] Dogs are weird!
Daphne
You know, that worries me a bit.
Niles
What does?
Daphne
Well, I think your father's been going to that church. I had an uncle who did the same thing. He had no interest in church his whole life. Then he started going everyday. It turns out he had some bad health news from his doctor. He didn't even last a year.
Niles
Well, first of all, I can see you're upset, so come here. [they hug]
Daphne
Thank you, Dr. Crane, you're always so supportive!
Niles
And second of all, I think you're worrying over nothing. I've never known my father to have so much as a hangnail without letting everyone know about it.
Daphne
That's true. Maybe I just got myself worked up remembering my Uncle John.
Niles
Look at you, just saying his name gets you upset. Come here.
Daphne
Well, I'm fine!
Niles
No, no, you need a hug.
Daphne
Oh, all right.
Daphne
Mr. Crane, are you alright?
Frasier
[worried] We're... fine, Daphne.
Niles
See, nothing to worry about. Well, I have got to run.
Frasier
[coming out] Oh, hold the elevator, Niles! See you soon, Daphne.
Daphne
Bye!
Frasier
And, uh, Dad? [hurries to the door] Listen, don't worry. We'll... Niles and I will... be there for you.
Daphne
What's that about?
Martin
Oh, never mind! Well, I gotta go lie down.
Daphne
Mr. Crane, did you ever call Dr. Stuart, for the results of your physical?
Martin
Em, sure, couple of days ago.
Daphne
And?
Martin
Em, fine. Come on, Eddie.
Daphne
Is everything all right?
Martin
Oh yeah. It's just all over so fast!
Daphne
[v.o.] Well, that was enough to convince me I was right. And the next 24 hours were a living hell! The worst came the next day...
Martin
Well, you know, I'm terrified about this, Father. All this came around so sudden. I'm not prepared. Now tell me again what I'm supposed to say when I see Jesus the first time? OK. All right. Well, thank you. Yeah, see you soon, bye.
Martin
Oh hi, Daphne!
Daphne
[brave smile] Hello! I'm just so excited about the gift I just got for you, Mr. Crane.
Martin
Oh, great!
Daphne
Why don't you open it now? [puts a parcel on the Armchair]
Martin
Oh, I'd love to, but to tell you the truth, I don't really have much time, I'm kind of on my way out. [Daphne begins to cry] Oh, OK, all right! I'll open it now, sure, sure. I don't want to get you upset! You must be really excited about this!
Martin
Oh, wow! It's that sweater! The one I pointed out to you in that window! It's great! Boy, I can die a happy man now! [Daphne bursts into tears] Daphne, what's the matter, are you all right?
Daphne
Oh, Mr. Crane, I know why you've been going down to that church!
Martin
You do? Well, you're not supposed to know about that! But why is it making you so upset?
Daphne
Because I care about you! You were actually going to let this whole thing happen without ever telling a soul!
Martin
Well, yes! I-I don't want people staring at me in church, stiff as a board, all that makeup on my face.
Daphne
So... how much time have you got?
Martin
Uh, about twenty minutes.
Daphne
[confused] Twenty minutes?
Martin
Yeah, and boy, will I be glad when it's all over. This is the last Christmas pageant I'm ever signing up for!
Daphne
You're in a Christmas pageant?!
Martin
Well, yeah! What did you think I was talking about?
Daphne
I thought you were dying!
Martin
What?!
Daphne
Well, you'd just got your test results back, you're down at the church all the time. [Martin laughs] Why are you laughing?
Martin
Well, it's funny!
Daphne
I don't think it's so bloody funny!
Martin
Are you kidding? [acts as if hanged] Oh, I'm dying!
Daphne
You will be! [hurls a pillow at him]
Martin
What are you doing? Daphne, don't do that!
Masseur
You can talk about it if you like.
Niles
Oh, I'm not ready just yet. [falls asleep]
Niles
Oh, I can't tell you how good that feels. I don't think I've ever had a massage like this before!
Daphne
Well, I'm glad. As long as you're so relaxed, maybe I should just give you your Christmas present right now.
Niles
OW! You woke me up!
Masseur
Sorry, I guess this ankle's a bit tender.
Niles
Well, yours would be too if you'd had the day I had...
Niles
[v.o.] I'd gone out to do some shopping, then I arrived at Frasier's building.
Niles
Excuse me. I'm sorry, I don't mean to crowd you. This is a brand-new, hand-tailored Italian suit. You know how difficult it is to get sap out of silk.
Albert
Another reason we didn't need this tree.
Jane
Oh, Albert!
Albert
This thing's a fire hazard.
Niles
You know, they make a chemical now that you can use to fireproof a tree.
Albert
It causes cancer.
Niles
Happy Holidays, then.
Jane
What just happened?
Doris
I think the elevator's stopped.
Niles
Well, not to worry, I'm sure we'll get it going in a moment.
Albert
We've probably got about twenty minutes of oxygen.
Niles
Sir, you're just going to alarm everyone.
Doris
I work in an ER.
Niles
Ah! Well, perhaps you can instruct these people on the best way to stay cool in a crisis.
Doris
I was on duty that night the elevator cable snapped at the Bing building. And they brought those people in on cookie sheets.
Niles
Hello, is anyone there?
Repairman
Yeah, who is it?
Niles
There's a group of us stuck in one of your elevators. The doors won't open and we can't seem to move off the 8th floor.
Repairman
All right, where are you calling from, sir?
Niles
The Elliot Bay Towers.
Repairman
Well, both my crews are out, it could be a good hour-and- a-half before I could get anybody there.
Doris
But I can't wait that long, my children are alone upstairs in the apartment!
Albert
You haven't got a gas oven up there, have you?
Repairman
Well, there is another way. If somebody felt like climbing through the trap door on top of your car, there's a manual release switch up there that would open up your doors.
Doris
Well, that's what we've gotta do then, somebody's gotta go up there.
Albert
Uhhh, that's a pretty small opening.
Niles
Well obviously, I have more confidence in your wife than you do. [cups his hands toward Jane] Step this way, ma'am, I'll give you a leg up. [Albert slaps his hands down]
Doris
It has to be you.
Niles
Well, uh, I'd have - how do you expect me to get up there?
Doris
Well, you can climb up the tree.
Niles
Oh, come on.
Doris
Well now, surely you climbed plenty of trees when you were a boy.
Jane
That's Dr. Crane's brother.
Albert/Doris
Oh...
Niles
[purses his lips] Fine. I suppose in times of crisis, someone must step forward and be a hero.
Niles
Today that man is Niles Crane! Tomorrow, it will be my dry cleaner, Mr. Lee.
Albert
All right, come on now, grab his feet and we'll push him through. [everyone does]
Niles
No, no, wait, not so fast!
Niles
[o.s.] No, not to worry, I landed in a nice, soft puddle of grease. I just have to find the release switch, bear with me...
Doris
Quick!
Niles
Did that do anything? People? Lady with my coat? [sticks his head back down] Where'd you all go?
Niles
[from inside the shaft] Oh my God! We're going up! Someone stop this thing!
Niles
[every inch agony] Ow...
Woman In Hall
Why is that man crawling?
Man In Hall
That's Dr. Crane's brother.
Woman In Hall
Oh...
Niles
[v.o.] I was slightly shaken by what I had done, but I'd completely composed myself as I arrived at Frasier's. But it was some time later that I was able to tell them what had happened...
Niles
Of course, I have no idea what you use to get elevator grease out of silk!
Frasier
Well, brown suede seems to leaching it out nicely! [doorbell sounds] Anyway, no Christmas is complete without a bit of tumult. But now we can all relax and enjoy a lovely holiday evening together.
Roz
Merry Christmas!
Roz
You sure you wanna hear about this?
Masseur
Why not?
Roz
OK. Well, I've been feeling a little depressed lately, because I've been putting on all this weight, I'm pregnant...
Roz
Hey, guys! [they all greet her; to Niles] That's a nice suit.
Niles
Well, thank you. It's brand new, and so since you'll probably be ordering food, I think I'll just go, rather than risk getting it stained.
Roz
What is that supposed to be? Some kind of crack about how much I eat?
Niles
Absolutely not, it was a crack about your table manners. [leaves]
Martin
Well, I should go too. I just got a couple of hours before the pageant and I need the time to rehearse.
Frasier
Oh, not to worry, Dad. Come tomorrow, it'll all be a memory.
Martin
Yeah, but even after it's all over, I still have to make peace with the man upstairs!
Roz
So, Frasier, are you sure we have to do this charity thing this afternoon?
Frasier
Oh, come on, Roz. It's just an hour out of your life! Besides, I think you're gonna make an adorable Mrs. Claus.
Roz
Why? Because now I look so much like her, because I've gotten so fat?!
Frasier
Hello? Why, yes, Mrs. Doyle, yes, she is. Just a moment. [to Roz] It's your mom, they forwarded her from the office.
Roz
[into phone:] Hello, Mom? Yes, I got your message. Yep, I'm picking you up at the airport, 10 AM. Right, I'm looking forward to seeing you, too. Bye!
Frasier
Oh, wait, wait, let me say "Merry Christmas!"
Roz
Hang on, Mom!
Frasier
[into phone] Mrs. Doyle! Yes, Frasier again. Hi, happy holidays! [lowers voice] Uh, listen, just a word to the wise: Roz has put on quite a few pregnancy pounds of late, and she's really sensitive about it. So, you know, I would just say be careful what you say to her, alright? [Roz comes back] Bye- bye, yes, we'll see you soon, bye!
Roz
[picks up her things] You know, Frasier, I think I'll meet you over there. I still have a couple of gifts to get!
Frasier
Oh, God! I still have all of mine to get. You know, no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to find anything that seems quite right this year!
Roz
Oh, it's really sweet how you're trying to make all your gifts special. I'm sorry I've been so cranky, I'm just nervous about my mom coming. I'm sort of just dreading the big conversation where I finally tell her I'm pregnant.
Frasier
You mean you haven't told her yet?
Roz
No, it's just not the type of thing you blurt out over the phone!
Roz
Well, I'll let you get that. I'll see you over there.
Frasier
Right. [Roz leaves; he answers his phone] Hello? Yes, I had a feeling you might call back!
Frasier
Oh, Roz! There you are, I was beginning to worry about you.
Roz
Well, you should have! I am on the verge of a complete breakdown! Shopping was a disaster! And when I went to slip into this darling little costume, my pants split.
Frasier
Oh!
Roz
And on top of all that, I can't stop thinking about my mom! How am I going to tell her?!
Frasier
Well, Roz, if you'd like, I could tell her for you.
Roz
Are you kidding?! She's gonna be mad enough that I waited three months to tell her, the only thing worse would be to hear it from someone else!
Frasier
Well, it's entirely possible she already knows.
Roz
No way, the only person who knows she's spoken to is you- Oh my God! Frasier!
Frasier
[welcoming first girl] OK! Ho-ho-ho, who's first?
Roz
What is wrong with you? I'm going to kill you!
Sally
You're going to kill Santa?
Frasier
No, little girl, Mrs. Claus just wants to kiss me.
Roz
Yeah, I'll kiss you. Come 'ere, I'll kiss you good! [gives Sally a candy cane] Here, run along! [to Frasier] Are you insane?
Frasier
Roz, you tell your mother everything, how was I supposed to know?!
Frasier
Ho-ho-ho.
Billy
Hi Santa, I want a pony for Christmas.
Roz
You got it, now beat it!
Billy
[running off] Mommy, Mommy, I'm gonna get a pony!
Frasier
Can't we talk about this later?
Roz
No, we can't!
Vic
Hi, Santa.
Roz
Oh My God! What are you, twenty? Get outta here! [Vic leaves]
Frasier
Roz, will you just try to stay calm?
Roz
No, I will not stay calm! Because I am not calm, I am completely freaked! [slams her glasses to the ground] I am pregnant, and you told my crazy mother, and my Christmas is ruined, and I'm too fat to even be Mrs. Santa, and I hate this holiday!
Frasier
Mrs. Claus was up very late last night.
Roz
[v.o.] Of course I still had to stop by Frasier's, I had to give him his champagne glasses.
Frasier
Roz, don't go! Come on, look, I'm sorry about what happened, but it was a mistake, you can't stay mad at me.
Roz
I still have to face my mother tomorrow!
Frasier
Well, we can talk about that. Come on in. Please, come in? [caressing her belly] Look, how would it look if I turned a pregnant lady away on Christmas Eve when there's so much room here at the inn?
Frasier
Niles, Daphne, Roz is here!
Niles/Daphne
[bored] Hi.
Roz
[imitating] Hi.
Frasier
Oh, come on, people! Let's liven things up a little, it's Christmas Eve! What are the Cranes known for if not their legendary holiday spirit?
Martin
I hate singing and I hate Christmas and I'm going to bed!
Frasier
Dad, what happened?
Martin
Well, I went into my song and everything was going fine. Then we come up to the high note, and I actually think I'm going to hit it for once. Then I look over and I see Eddie. He's got his head buried in the Christ Child's cradle! Well, I guess he mistook the Christ Child for one of his chew toys because he grabs a hold of it inis teeth and starts shaking it! So, the Virgin Mary grabbed hold of its legs, well, you know how Eddie likes a good tug-of-war, so they're going at it, then Eddie runs out of there with it still in his mouth and half the population of Bethlehem chasing after him! I never should have agreed to be in that pageant!
Daphne
You would have saved me a lot of grief!
Martin
Oh, don't start this again!
Niles
Don't you talk to her like that!
Frasier
Now come on everybody, let's not say something we're going to regret!
Roz
Oh, you're one to talk!
Frasier
[shouting] ALL RIGHT! THAT IS ENOUGH! [they shut up] This is the night we celebrate peace and togetherness! I will not have that ruined! [slowly] I intend to put us all in the right frame of mind, by giving you all my gift. As you know, I was determined to make my gifts this year a little more meaningful. And after a great deal of effort I believe I have. My gift does not come from some fancy store, all wrapped in glittery paper, my gift comes from my heart. Tonight, I intend to sit each one of you down, and tell you in my own words, exactly how much you mean to me.
Frasier
Or, I could get someone over to give us all massages.