Good Grief
Aired 24th September 1998 · Written by Christopher Lloyd · Directed by Pamela Fryman
Frasier
Before we begin, I'd like to say how honoured I am to be taking over this slot. Obviously, I have some rather big shoes to fill - my predecessor here was much beloved. But I have never been one to shrink from a challenge and I'm sure we'll enjoy many happy years here together in my new home. Now, today on "Medical Minute"...
Frasier
We're going to be tackling the sticky subject of...
Director
Dr. Crane, great audition.
Frasier
Really? That's all you need?
Director
I think we have a good idea what you're all about.
Frasier
Excellent.
Director
Er, we'll be in touch.
Frasier
I'm sure you will.
Director
Next, please!
Frasier
Oh, formalities? Yes, I understand. You know, perhaps I'll just take a walk around the station. Check out the dressing rooms, introduce myself to a few people. Say, you know, is there a sign-up list for the softball team? I'm sure that Frasier "Slugger" Crane's gonna be an asset to this station in more ways than one!
Martin
Morning, Frasier.
Frasier
Oh, good morning, Dad.
Martin
A little early for the piano, isn't it?
Frasier
Yes, I'm sorry about that. You know I woke up this morning thinking about that operetta I've been writing. You know, the one about Robert and Elizabeth Browning. I think, well, I had to get right to it.
Martin
Well, that's what you get living in a big city: If it's not the horns waking you up it's someone writing an operetta about the Brownings.
Frasier
Well, you know, I'm pretty sure I've solved the problem.
Martin
Good for you, Frasier.
Frasier
But you know, I'd have to hear it to be sure.
Martin
I'll bet that.
Frasier
Oh come on, Dad, it'll only take a minute, I just want to do this one section.
Martin
Oh, all right, but I'm not doing the accent!
Frasier
Come on. All right, we'll take it right here.
Martin
Fine.
Frasier
What is it that you feel...
Martin
Love?
Frasier
That fear which you conceal...
Martin
Love?
Frasier
That powers that you heal...
Martin
Love?
Frasier
Reveeeall. Take me in your arms...
Frasier
Well, I'll just have to sing it with Niles later.
Martin
Oh, that'll cheer me up. [Walks to table and picks up sketches]
Frasier
Dad, be careful with those sketches.
Martin
Sketches?
Frasier
Yes well, you know I've been telling you that I'm redecorating the apartment, I thought why not just design my own furniture?
Martin
Boy, Frasier, you know you've been taking on a lot of big projects lately.
Frasier
Yes well, any minute now that phone will ring with another job offer, and this blessed little hiatus will be over. I want to have achieved as many of my life's ambitions as possible. Gee, frankly Dad, you should take up a project or two.
Martin
Me? What are you talking about? I'm doing stuff all the time. Why, just this weekend I taught Eddie a great new trick.
Frasier
Really?
Martin
Yeah, come on, I'll show you. [Walks over to Eddie by chair. Eddie jumps down, Martin kneels]
Martin
It starts out that I point a gun at him.
Frasier
I like it so far.
Martin
Then I say "Freeze punk, it's all over."
Martin
It's all over! [no response] Oh come on Eddie, you're supposed to go like this. [Martin rolls over on back]
Frasier
Now all we have to do is teach Eddie to say "It's all over."
Daphne
Can someone help me here?
Martin
What is all that?
Daphne
Some books Dr. Crane sent for me to get from storage.
Frasier
Yes, it's research I'm doing for a novel I'm planning. Gee Daphne, I was beginning to wonder what was taking you so long.
Daphne
Well, excuse me. But I did have to move 3 crates, a rowing machine and a cast-iron bath tub out of the way first.
Frasier
Oh, look at that. The only book I really wanted was on the shelf already. You'll have to take these back down. [Bell rings from kitchen]
Frasier
Oh my God, that's my duck! Thank you, Daphne. When you're done with that, I need you to run some errands for me. I need a very sturdy lemon-zester, some more music paper, some potting soil and an easel.
Daphne
I'd be happy to.
Daphne
[muttering] And then maybe after that I could draw a bath, strip you naked and scrub you with a loofah. Would that be all right, Dr. Crane?
Niles
Yes.
Daphne
I didn't even see you standing there. [Daphne exits]
Martin
[Gets up from chair] Hey Niles, can I talk to you about something?
Niles
Yeah, just one second, Dad.
Niles
OK.
Martin
Well, it's about Frasier. Ever since he got fired, he's been so weird. All these projects he's got going...
Niles
Yep, don't worry, it's normal. He's simply in a state of denial. [Sits on arm of chair and begins to tie shoelace.]
Martin
Denial about what?
Niles
About getting fired. People like Frasier's whole identities revolve around their job. The loss of the job is like a... is like a death. And they cope with it in the same way they would cope with a death, by going through a series of stages. First one's denial; usually that's followed by anger; then, er...
Frasier
[Comes out from kitchen, and calls loudly] I've done it! Escoffier's most difficult dish done to tangy perfection! You know, sometimes I think I missed my calling by not becoming a gourmet chef. [Exits back to kitchen]
Niles
See we're still in stage one.
Frasier
[From kitchen] Hello, Niles.
Niles
Hey Frasier, you ready for our squash date? [Frasier exits kitchen]
Frasier
Oh gosh, I'm so sorry, I'm going to have to cancel - I've been cooking all morning.
Niles
Oh, what for?
Frasier
Well, actually I'm holding a little picnic for the KACL employees and their families. As you may recall I did get them all fired. [Frasier laughs] So I was just hoping to make amends by serving up a little duck a l'orange and an al fresco mea culpa!
Martin
You know, people like chips at a picnic too.
Frasier
Hello? Ah, yes, Bebe. Yes, yes. Oh yes, the television job. Oh, what a relief. Thank you, bye-bye. [Hangs up]
Martin
[excited] You got it?
Frasier
No, thank goodness. That job starts tomorrow - I have got things to do.
Niles
Oh, I'm sorry, Frasier.
Frasier
Sorry? My God, you sound just like Dad. I am going to get another job. The people of this city need me. I am a beloved Seattle institution.
Martin
[Sitting at breakfast table] A couple more days like this and he's going to be in a beloved Seattle institution.
Bulldog
Wait till you hear this, I got a job today. [Roz and Frasier congratulate him]
Bulldog
You've got to rub me for good luck.
Roz
Where?
Bulldog
Well, start at my knee and work your way up.
Roz
Where's the job?
Bulldog
Oh-oh-oh, all right. It's that new all-sports station. I got the breakfast slot. I even came up with a slogan, "Coffee, eggs and Bulldog."
Frasier
Sounds like some sort of Malaysian Happy Meal.
Gil
A word of caution on the hummus. To be avoided - as a leper would avoid a magic tea-cup ride.
Roz
Gil, Frasier made that.
Gil
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Frasier
That's quite all right. I understand you need to flex your critical muscles while you're between jobs.
Gil
Oh good, then you might enjoy this one: "After sampling your [???], I was tempted to describe your entire Middle Eastern buffet as 'The Sorrow and the Pita.'" Oh, who's got a pencil, I've got to write that one down!
Tooty
Hi everybody. [Others greet her] I just got the most exciting news today: they just picked up my story time theatre on public television. [Others congratulate] Talk about living happily ever after, eh? Chi-ching!
Kenny
Hey, Dr. Crane
Frasier
Oh, well hi, Kenny
Kenny
Great party. Oh and by the way, I picked something up for you on my way to work today.
Frasier
[Surprised and jealous] Work?
Kenny
Yeah, yeah. They took me back at my old job.
Kenny
I was passing the bus stop and... Excuse me a sec.
Kenny
Anyway, they were about to paper over your poster, so I peeled it off for you. [he hands the rolled-up poster to Frasier]
Frasier
Well, that is quite a keepsake. [Begins to unroll it].
Kenny
Don't mention it. Oh, and by the way, the poster under yours was an old radio guy. [Thinks.] Er, a Dr. Earl. Who was he again?
Frasier
[Thinks] You know, I'm sorry, I don't recall.
Kenny
Yeah, I'm the same way. Once they're off the air, who remembers them? [Laughs.]
Roz
Do you realize that we're just about the only people here without a job?
Frasier
Roz...
Roz
If we don't get this Top 100 spot, there may not be any left.
Frasier
[Comforting] Roz, I've told you: We have nothing to worry about. Come on...
Frasier
Everyone, if I could have your attention, please? We have of course planned some activities for today's little get- together, and I'd like to start with one for the children.
Frasier
Now what we have here is an authentic Mexican pi?ata. [Hands pole to blindfolded child.] The object is to take the stick, and give it a little whack. [Gently hits pi?ata.]
Gil
Oh, good for me. I just got the Top 100 job.
Frasier
[Incredibly annoyed] Oh well, good for you, Gil. [Holds stick with child] Yes, you're going to want to give this little fellow a good crack. Otherwise...
Frasier
You know, maybe I ought to get this started for you. Otherwise the candy will never come out.
Frasier
Everybody knows that keeping something locked up inside is never good for anyone, is it?!
Frasier
Hello? Yes, Bebe. We did hear the news, and how thrilling for Gil. Could you hold, please?
Martin
What is this I feel, love. That fear that makes me conceal, love.
Niles
Dad...
Martin
Was I doing it again? Damn. Was I doing it before Mrs. Walsh got off?
Niles
That's why Mrs. Walsh got off. [Martin acts annoyed.] So, what's Frasier doing?
Martin
Ah, he's getting weirder. He beat up a pi?ata yesterday.
Niles
Isn't that what you're supposed to do to a pi?ata?
Martin
Not like this. They found a jawbreaker on the other side of the highway.
Niles
[thinks, then] Oh, well, this is good! It means he's reached the anger stage. In due course he'll go through bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance.
Martin
What's bargaining?
Niles
Oh, well, it's like when a person makes a deal with God to spare their life.
Martin
Oh, yeah, I know all about that.
Martin
I remember right after I got shot, I said, "God, if I promise never to drink another bottle of Ballantines, will you let me get through this?"
Niles
You still drink Ballantines.
Martin
Not in bottles, baby.
Frasier
Oh, you're just in time, I'm throwing a party for my fan club.
Martin
Here?
Niles
Is there some problem with the bridge they normally meet under?
Frasier
[Laughs] Very amusing, Niles. [Serious] You see, I've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately, and last night... I did something which I haven't done since I was a very little boy. I got down on my knees on the bedside, and I prayed for guidance.
Frasier
And I asked God, "What can I do to get my old life back?" And the answer came, "take better care of your fans."
Martin
[Long pause] God told you that?
Frasier
Yes. I have taken my public for granted. I take weeks before I answer my fan mail, if I answer it at all. I've been a bad celebrity. Well, no more! [Goes over to pour drink.]
Martin
I didn't even know you had a fan club.
Frasier
Well, they meet on the internet, and I visited their website yesterday for the first time. [Brings hand up to head, and shakes it] Bad celebrity! But I invited them all here, and you know what? They were so grateful that before long, I mean, my God, suddenly they were proposing that they hold a massive rally in my honor, demanding that I return to the airwaves. You know, I think that it's safe to say that someone is already working in mysterious ways. [Laughs.]
Martin
Someone sure as hell is. [Walks over to kitchen.]
Waiter
[To Frasier] Some crab puffs, Dr. Crane?
Frasier
No, no, no, you just keep them away from me. It won't be long before I'm back in the public eye, and I've got to remain tight and trim.
Frasier
Oh, Daphne. [Walks over to collect box.]
Martin
What you got there?
Daphne
Oh, just a box of Dr. Crane's publicity photos from the storage cubby.
Frasier
[o.s.] Thank you.
Daphne
This flashlight sure came in handy. Helped me to find that box way up at the top of that old bookcase. [Shuts door.] And when that thing flew in my hair, I had something to beat it to death with.
Frasier
Oh, good Lord, our first arrivals. God, I've got to check the food. Daphne, will you run to the store for me? I need some felt-tip pens to sign these pictures with. Do you mind? [Runs into kitchen.]
Daphne
Sure, what else have I got to do?
Aaron
Hi, Daphne. [Turns to woman, excited,] It's Daphne!
Daphne
Hello. Have we met?
Doris
We know you from the magazine.
Aaron
April '96, Seattle Monthly, "At home with Dr. Frasier Crane." You were wearing an orange flower dress. And your hair was different then.
Daphne
Oh, how creepy. Do come in.
Frasier
Come in, come in. [Shakes Doris's hand,] I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.
Doris
Wow! Hi, Doris Butley.
Frasier
Doris... [Lets go, and shakes Aaron's hand.]
Aaron
Aaron Fitch.
Frasier
Aaron... Oh, it's such a pleasure to meet you. You know, perhaps I should introduce these people to you. [Turns to Niles and Martin. Guests both look surprised.]
Doris
Oh, we know who they are.
Martin
And now, where we live.
Frasier
Oh don't be shy, come in, come in.
George
This is great, this is great!
Frasier
I'm Dr. Frasier Crane, it's a pleasure to meet you.
George
This is great, this is great!
Aaron
It's cool, isn't it? Your brother having his own club.
Niles
Yeah, well, seeing all of you, I sort of wish I had a club myself.
Frasier
You know, perhaps you'd like to fill out these name tags while we are waiting for everyone else to come.
Aaron
Who else is coming?
Frasier
Well, the rest of the fan club.
Dorris
This is the fan club - the three of us!
Daphne
[By door, exiting and laughing,] Well, I'll be off to get those pens now! [Exits and closes door.]
Frasier
You know, perhaps you should all help yourself to some food. Um, Niles, may I have a word with you, please?
Frasier
Niles!
Frasier
I can't let them do this rally. Three kooks marching round in a circle, you know what that'll do?
Niles
Make them very dizzy very fast.
Frasier
Make me a laughingstock - I'll never work in this town again. I mean, I've got to stop them.
Waiter
Sorry to interrupt, but I need to carve the second turkey.
Niles
No fighting over drumsticks at this party.
Frasier
Stop it! [Knocks Niles on the arm
Frasier
How's everyone out here?
Martin
[Sitting in his chair,] Oh, great. We were just talking about the rally.
Frasier
Really, Dad? Oh, I'm glad you brought that up.
Martin
They had it this afternoon.
Aaron
Right in front of city hall.
Doris
It couldn't have gone better. George even stopped traffic by lying across the road on a psychiatrist's couch. The cameramen sure loved that.
Frasier
Cameramen?
Doris
Oh, what are we doing? It's almost time for the 6 o'clock news!
Aaron
You're going to love this, Dr. Crane!
Frasier
[To waiter standing behind him,] Excuse me, what have you got there?
Waiter
Er, still the crab puffs. Shall I get you something else?
Frasier
[Taking whole tray,] Yes please, bring me some spring rolls.
TV
Now on the lighter side, did you ever ask yourself, "What if they held a rally and nobody came?
George
This is great, this is great! [Takes picture of TV]
Frasier
Forget the spring rolls, bring me the freakin' turkey!
Martin
Uh, Frasier...
Frasier
Yeah, Dad?
Martin
Do you think we could talk to you for a second in the living room?
Frasier
Yeah, sure. Gee, sounds kind of serious.
Martin
It is, kinda...
Frasier
Yeah, what is it? Oh Roz, I didn't hear you come in.
Martin
I think you had the blender going. [Both walk over to Martin's chair.] Er, Frasier, we're wondering, do you think you might be depressed?
Frasier
Depressed?
Roz
Well, we've all noticed that you've put on weight lately. [Cuts to Frasier, who has a large tummy,] we're worried that you might be eating excessively.
Frasier
[Sits down in Martin's chair, continuing to eat.] Well, gee, maybe I've gained a pound or two, but it's nothing I can't handle.
Niles
So you think you've got everything under control.
Frasier
Absolutely.
Martin
It's time, Roz.
Roz
Remember when I had that babysitter that was stealing from me, so I had to put in that hidden camera?
Frasier
Yes.
Roz
And remember when you babysat for me?
Frasier
What about it?
Roz
Just watch this.
Frasier
[v.o:] Well, baby Alice, I think it's meal time. Let's see what's on tonight's menu. [Gets up and moves around.] Ah yes, strained beef and lima beans.
Frasier
Oh all right, point taken. So I've put on a pound or two- but the camera adds ten!
Frasier
[Tries to feed baby, but she won't take it.] Come on, yes, now, its very good. Here, I'll show you. [Eats spoonful of food.] Um, oh my. Alright, here, now it's your turn.
Frasier
[on TV] No, still? You know, that's not even a proper spoonful. Let's get you a full one. [eats that spoonful.]
Frasier
[on TV] That's a nice big one. You know what, let's try something else. Oh, some pureed chicken and yams. [Takes spoonful] Come on now, open up. Open up! Now well, if you're not hungry, you're not hungry. [eats spoonful.] My, well. They taste pretty good together. Let's try that. [Eats double spoonful.]
Frasier
[on TV:] Tell you what, what's that you have in your baby cup there? Is that apple juice?
Frasier
Oh all right, enough! Turn it off.
Frasier
Well, I guess maybe you're right, I am depressed. What of it?
Martin
Well, you know, we're just trying to help you get to, you know, the next stage.
Frasier
Stage of what?
Niles
Frasier, you know, I think you're dealing with the loss of your job as many people do with a death. Only you've got yourself stalled in depression, and I think you're going to stay there until you let yourself grieve. For everything you've lost. [Frasier looks annoyed,] Your job, your friends, the money, your reputation. [Frasier seems to grudgingly agree.]
Roz
You've got to let it out, Frasier.
Frasier
Well, I thank you all very much for your concern, but you know what, if I was repressing anything...
Frasier
I would certainly know it. The only thing that I need to let out is these so-called one-size-fits-all lounge pants.
Roz
Well, that went well.
Martin
Yeah, well, we gave it a shot.
Daphne
What do we do now?
Niles
Well, we can't push him. If he's not ready, he's not ready.
Daphne
What was that?
Roz
Was that Frasier?
Frasier
[comes into living room,] If anyone's hungry, there's a freshly made Monte Cristo in the waffle press.
Martin
Oh great, thanks, Fras.
Daphne
Dr. Crane, are you all right?
Frasier
Yes.
Roz
Are you sure?
Frasier
I am quite sure.
Niles
Frasier, you're not famous any more.
Martin
What did you do that for?
Niles
No, no, dad, he needed a push.
Martin
Yeah, but look at him, this can't be good.
Niles
Oh, it is good. Let it out, Frasier, let it all out.
Niles
That's good, that's good. Let it all out.
Niles
OK, Frasier, that's probably enough now.
Martin
How much more can be in there?
Niles
OK, all right, Frasier. That's probably enough now, OK. [To Martin:] I don't think I can get him to stop.
Martin
This is sickening.
Daphne
What are we going to do?
Martin
Somebody get that Monte Cristo in here. [Daphne runs to get it]
Roz
Frasier, it's all in how you look at things. Look at my life...
Frasier
[Wailing still] No career, no relationship, no hope.
Roz
You can say the same thing about me.
Frasier
I was talking about you! [Roz hits him gently.]
Daphne
[Bringing over waffle] Dr. Crane, my Grammy Moon used to say... [Frasier yells loudly,]
Martin
What are you trying to do, kill him?
Daphne
[pointing at Roz] Don't blame this on me. She brought the bloody tape over!
Roz
Oh, so now this is all my fault. You saw that tape.
Daphne
I saw your baby, too. She could stand to miss a meal or two.
Roz
She's a healthy baby!
Frasier
Oh, stop it, stop it all of you. [Wailing still] There is no hope. It's over. Over. [Sobs]
Martin
Look at that! I'm so proud of you, boy.
Frasier
Oh dad, you're just saying that!
Frasier
Hello, Niles.
Niles
Frasier, please join me.
Frasier
Thank you very much. [to waitress:] I would love to have...
Waitress
Wait! Mochaccino, extra whipped cream and a Linseed Torte, right?
Frasier
[laughs] Not anymore! Can I have a non-fat latte please?
Waitress
Hey, didn't you used...
Frasier
Yes, yes. I used to be on the radio, with any luck I will be again. Thank you for remembering, it does help.
Waitress
I was just gonna say, didn't you also used to get a bear claw?
Frasier
Off you go!
Niles
Frasier, I just have to say "Bravo!" You're slim, well- adjusted, you've really turned things around, haven't you?
Frasier
Well, it's easy once you hit rock bottom... and bounce! [laughs] Thank you, Niles. I couldn't have done it without you.
Niles
I did nothing you wouldn't have done. And you'll be happy to know my own life is on quite the upswing as well. I just got back from a meeting with Maris and her lawyers.
Frasier
And?
Niles
[grinning] I think this divorce is going to go very smoothly!