Merry Christmas, Mrs. Moskowitz
Aired 17th December 1998 · Written by Jay Kogen · Directed by Kelsey Grammer
Roz
I thought your father was in charge of Christmas decorations.
Frasier
Oh, no, no, not this year. We're doing it my way. That's why I'm ordering a tasteful tree here. They'll even deliver it on Christmas Eve, fully decorated.
Roz
[sarcastic] Gee, that'll be fun for Freddie.
Frasier
Oh no, Frederick won't be joining me this year. He's spending his vacation on an archaeological tour with Lilith.
Roz
He's spending Christmas with dried-up old bones?
Frasier
[laughs] I thought I told you, she's taking him on an archaeological tour. [laughs with Roz] Oh good lord, look how late it's gotten!
Roz
Well, don't blame me, you're the one who spent twenty minutes looking for that candleholder thing.
Frasier
Oh, no, no, it's a Menorah, Roz. I thought I'd get one for Frederick for Hanukah.
Roz
Oh, that's right, I completely forgot Frederick is half-Jewish.
Frasier
Yes, between the Crane boy genes and Lilith's contribution, I'm not sure the NFL is holding its breath.
Roz
I need to go over to "Notions" and try to find something for Calvin, the security guard.
Frasier
Oh, what are you getting him?
Roz
If I knew I wouldn't be going to "Notions."
Frasier
Excuse me, I'd like to get a gift for that woman I was with. Er, how about this sweater right here?
Sal
Excellent choice.
Frasier
I'm not sure of the size, though, could you find me this in a medium? Thank you.
Roz
It's a madhouse in there!
Frasier
[worried] Roz!
Roz
People pushing and shoving for nose-hair clippers. Is there a nasal hair epidemic I don't know about?
Sal
[rising] Here's your sweater.
Roz
Is he talking to you?
Frasier
[covering] No! No, no, he's talking...
Helen
He's talking to me! It's for my niece. But I'm a bit worried about the size. [to Roz] You know, she's just about your height. Do you mind my asking, would this fit you?
Roz
Mmm, that's a little big for me.
Helen
What about the color? A little blah?
Roz
Personally, I like the blue.
Helen
I agree, thank you so much. [to Sal] I will take a smaller size in the blue, and please gift-wrap it.
Sal
Coming right up.
Frasier
Oh, Roz, it looks like "Notions" has thinned out.
Roz
Oh good, so you think Calvin will like the nose hair clippers?
Frasier
Well, I think we can be sure he doesn't own a pair!
Frasier
Gosh, thank you so much for bailing me out that way.
Helen
My pleasure. [shakes his hand] Helen.
Frasier
Helen, Frasier.
Helen
Not Frasier Crane, from the radio show?
Frasier
Yes.
Helen
Oh, ha-ho, I listen to you every time I come to Seattle to visit my daughter, Faye.
Frasier
Well, that's very kind.
Helen
You know, you really should know your wife's size.
Frasier
Oh, she's not my wife.
Helen
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry.
Frasier
It's all right.
Helen
Girlfriend?
Frasier
No, I don't have a girlfriend, actually. I'm unattached.
Helen
Oh. Well, I've taken enough of your time. Although, there is one small thing you could help me with. I'm looking for something for my daughter.
Frasier
Oh, what is it?
Helen
Nah, no, I really shouldn't ask.
Frasier
No, no, please.
Helen
No, no, it's too much of an imposition.
Frasier
No, no. After the way you came to my rescue, I would be delighted to help you in any way I can. What is it you're looking to get for your daughter?
Helen
A date with a nice, unattached doctor.
Frasier
Well, I certainly walked into that one, didn't I?
Helen
It wasn't my first time!
Frasier
All right, now as soon as this woman gets here give me five minutes and then call me on my cell phone. If I am miserable I will simply say it's an emergency and excuse myself.
Niles
Ah, yes, the ever-valuable escape call.
Frasier
Oh, you've done them?
Niles
Oh... [laughs as if he's remembering the time, then stops] No, but I've seen them done.
Faye
Excuse me, are you Frasier?
Frasier
[delighted] Faye? [she nods] Yes, hello! [rises and shakes her hand] How did you know it was me?
Faye
You had that horror-stricken look of someone who's met my mother.
Frasier
Oh, no, [points to seat] please, please, shall we?
Faye
Oh, no, that's very sweet of you but you don't have to go through with this. I really just came to apologize.
Frasier
No, please, please, why don't you sit down?
Daphne
Hey, Dr. Crane. Are you here with your brother?
Niles
[points to Frasier] No, actually he's on a blind date.
Daphne
Oh, he is, isn't he!
Daphne
Oh, look at him. I think he really fancies her. You know, it's always so obvious when a man likes a woman.
Daphne
You can just tell by his awkward body language.
Daphne
Shifting in his chair, he doesn't know quite what to do with his hands.
Daphne
He's as nervous as a hen. [shouts] Oh for God's sake, stop fidgeting!
Frasier
So, your mother tells me that you're a lawyer.
Faye
Well, that's typical. I was a lawyer and I quit two years ago, and now I'm a pastry chef.
Frasier
Really?
Faye
Yes. I work in a little French restaurant in town. Maybe you've heard of it? Le Cigaré Volant.
Frasier
My God, it's one of my favorites! I had dinner there last Friday night.
Faye
I worked there last Friday night, what did you have?
Frasier
The Grand Marquis Soufflé.
Faye
I made that.
Frasier
Oh, it was poetry on a plate.
Faye
Thank you. [then] You didn't happen to find my earring in it, did you? [Frasier gives her a look] I'm kidding!
Frasier
Oh, [laughs] you know, suddenly I'm glad that your mother is as pushy as she is. It's funny, though, you're nothing like her.
Faye
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. [laughs]
Daphne
Dr. Crane, can I ask a favor? What are you doing for the next ten nights, because my...
Niles
[quickly] Yes. [Daphne gives him a look] Excuse me, finish the question.
Daphne
Well, my neighborhood theatre group is putting on a holiday revue; in fact, we're performing in the common room of Dr. Crane's building.
Niles
Right downstairs?
Daphne
Yeah, but we're still looking for a musical director. I would never ask you but they've put me in charge of the whole thing.
Niles
Oh, well count me in. Is the show more religious in tone or secular?
Daphne
[gets out her notes] Well, we couldn't quite agree. So we ended up with a mixed bag. Er, we open with the "no room at the inn" scene, then it's a rousing version of "Jingle Bell Rock," a brief medley from "Jesus Christ Superstar." And the first act ends with Santa's elves and the three wise men all linking arms and singing "Frosty the Snowman."
Niles
Well... [gropes for a response] Excuse me, I have to make a phone call.
Frasier
Of course I love Boston but well, there's no place like home.
Frasier
Excuse me. [into phone] Yes, hello? Uh, yes but you know what, I'll just have to sign those papers later, thank you. [hangs up] Office work.
Faye
That was an escape call, wasn't it?
Frasier
No! What are you talking about?
Faye
Come on, it's a blind date. You wanted a way to back out.
Frasier
Oh, gosh, you are sharp, aren't you? How did you know?
Frasier
[to phone] Well, that would be just lovely. All right, I'll see you soon. [hangs up] Well, isn't that nice? Faye's dropping by.
Niles
Oh, you've been seeing a lot of her lately, haven't you?
Frasier
Yes, I have. You know, she really is quite wonderful.
Niles
Well, I thought she was off to Florida with her mother.
Frasier
Yes, she is. They're both popping by on the way to the airport. I guess someone wanted to rack up a few more frequent Frasier miles. [laughs]
Niles
[chucks him on the shoulder, then] You don't ever actually say those things to the woman, do you?
Frasier
Oh, no, no.
Daphne
Oh good, Dr. Crane, you're here.
Niles
Yes, the show starts in half an hour.
Daphne
Yeah, could you give me a hand? I still have to sew the chains to Jacob Marley's tux for the dance number.
Niles
Oh, yeah, happy to.
Frasier
Jacob Marley? They're doing "A Christmas Carol" too?
Niles
No, they're not. They worked him into the nativity scene.
Martin
Hey Fras', where's a good spot for Rudolph this year?
Frasier
Dad! Please, I thought we had an agreement about the decorations.
Martin
I know, but what's Christmas without Rudolph?
Frasier
He is not even one of the original reindeer!
Martin
Well, do the others have a song?
Frasier
Look, I'm not having this discussion again!
Martin
It's because you know I'm right. Well, forget it, I wouldn't want to ruin your designer Christmas!
Frasier
Oh, Faye. [hugs her] Hi, good to see you. Here, let me take your coat. [does] Where's Helen?
Faye
Er, she's talking to your doorman. She's trying to fix him up with my cousin Janet and I couldn't bear to watch.
Frasier
[re:door] We'll just leave that ajar for her then.
Faye
Oh my gosh.
Frasier
What?
Faye
You have a wreath.
Frasier
Yes, so?
Faye
Aren't you Jewish?
Frasier
No, no, why do you ask?
Faye
The day we met my mother saw you shopping for a Menorah.
Frasier
Yes, for my son. My ex-wife is Jewish.
Faye
Oh, God...
Frasier
Is there a problem?
Faye
Uh, for me, no, but my mother is another story, and here I was wondering what we'd talk about on the seven hour flight to Miami.
Frasier
You know what, I can just take this down.
Faye
Uh, no, no, no, no, I have to stop being a child about these things. If she's upset, she's upset.
Frasier
How many stopovers do you have?
Faye
Two.
Frasier
I'll take it down.
Faye
Thank you.
Faye
I really appreciate you doing this.
Frasier
Oh, it's no problem.
Faye
I can't believe I'm actually asking you to pretend you to be Jewish on Christmas Eve.
Frasier
It's all right, really, it probably won't even come up.
Frasier
Hello, there she is!
Helen
Hello, Frasier!
Frasier
Helen, hi.
Helen
Oh, what a beautiful apartment you have.
Frasier
Thank you very much.
Frasier
GET OUT!
Helen
What?
Frasier
[covering] -of that coat already! [takes it off her]
Helen
So, Frasier, you grew up in Seattle?
Frasier
Yes, as a matter of fact I did.
Helen
[looks at view] Such a pretty city.
Frasier
Oh, yes.
Helen
I guess you were bar mitzvahed here?
Frasier
Oh yes, yes of course. What a proud day that was. I can still remember reading from the Torah before the... the Rabbi... [struggling] and the Cantor... and the Mohel.
Helen
The Mohel?
Frasier
Yes.
Faye
[helping him] The one who did your circumcision?
Frasier
Yes, yes, I just wanted to show him that there were no hard feelings. [notices Niles entering] Niles!
Niles
Hello all, you must be Faye. [shakes hand]
Helen
[shakes his hand] And I'm her mother, Helen Moskowitz.
Niles
And I'm Frasier's brother, Niles. [notices the wreath is gone] Oh, what happened to the...
Frasier
[interrupting] The Moskowitz family that lived down the hall? They moved! You know, Niles, why don't you come and help me in the kitchen? I'm just about to pour everybody a drink.
Niles
What's going on?
Frasier
Faye's mother thinks that we're Jewish, just play along.
Niles
[used to the farce scenario] Okay. [pause] Why?
Frasier
Well, it's important to Faye, Faye is important to me. Do you think you can pull it off?
Niles
No problem. [checks oven] Ooh, ham!
Frasier
Niles! Please. We've got to find a time to tell Dad about this too.
Niles
You mean Papa.
Frasier
Stop it!
Niles
Wait, Frasier, is that for Helen?
Frasier
Yes.
Niles
What if she's expecting Jewish wine?
Frasier
Gosh, I'm afraid I don't have any of that on hand.
Niles
It's all right, it's easy enough. It's just like regular wine plus a little bit of this...
Niles
Try that.
Frasier
[he does] It's dreadful!
Niles
Perfect.
Frasier
Here we are. [hands out wine]
Helen
Thank you. Who has a nice toast? Niles?
Niles
Ooh, all right. L'chaim! Mazel tov! Next year in Jerusalem!
Frasier
Take it down a notch, Tevye.
Martin
Hey Fras', you know, since it's the night before...
Frasier/Niles
Dad!
Martin
Oh, great, would it be a crime for somebody to tell me we had guests here? [to the women] Hi, I'm Marty Crane. I'm Frasier's dad. Although you'd never guess it from the way I'm treated like a second-class citizen around here. [sarcastic] But as long as Frasier's happy, why should my feelings matter?
Frasier
Niles, why don't you see if you can go help Dad in the kitchen?
Niles
Oh all right, but he'll probably just kvetch at me and frankly I don't need that tsuris. [gives a "how's that?" smile]
Frasier
Niles!
Martin
I don't know how to be Jewish.
Niles
Well, just answer questions with a question.
Martin
Like what?
Niles
What, I have to explain everything?
Martin
Can't you give me an example?
Niles
What, I should give you an example?
Martin
Are you going to help me or not?
Niles
You're saying I'm not being helpful?
Martin
Oh, forget it!
Helen
So, Marty, both your sons are doctors. How'd you work that out?
Martin
I've no idea. [then] Do I?
Daphne
Well, I just got the phone call every producer dreads.
Niles
What is it?
Daphne
Someone's dropping out of the show.
Daphne
You don't suppose you could take over one of the roles?
Niles
Well, I don't see why not, I know all the songs.
Daphne
Wonderful.
Niles
[to ladies] Well, it was nice meeting you both.
Faye
Likewise. We're leaving too. Could you send the elevator back up, we'll be right down.
Niles
Happy to. So, who dropped out?
Daphne
Mr. Blanchard.
Niles
Oy!
Frasier
Well, you know, it's been great spending some time with the two of you, I wish you could stay longer.
Helen
[puts mobile down] Well, actually we can. I just called the airline. The plane is delayed an hour.
Frasier
Well, isn't that good news?
Helen
You know, I hate to be forward but I'd love to taste whatever smells so wonderful in that kitchen.
Frasier
And I would love to give you a taste, except it isn't done yet.
Frasier
Well, more good news!
Frasier
I don't know how much longer we can continue this charade. My God, when Dad started talking about working on his own car I thought we were goners!
Faye
Well, we only have to keep it up for another half an hour... actually I think I have an idea.
Frasier
Really?
Faye
Go out there.
Frasier
Okay.
Frasier
Well, I don't know what it is with that brisket, it just won't cook through.
Helen
I could take a look.
Faye
[enters] No, no, we don't have the time. I just got off the phone with the airlines, they pushed the flights back up so we really have to get going.
Helen
Oh, really? Well, all right.
Frasier
Gosh, I wish you could stay longer, it's just I'd hate to have you late for your plane.
Deliverer
Hello, sir-
Frasier
On the other hand, I can't leave until you've seen the apartment, all right?
Faye
What?
Frasier
Let's start with the bedroom. There's plenty of time.
Frasier
Oh, Dad, could you see who it is and make sure they come back later?
Martin
Whatever you want, Frasier, as usual.
Deliverer
Hello sir, and let me wish you a merry...
Martin
Shush, shush, bring that thing back in about an hour.
Deliverer
No way sir, it's Christmas Eve, I've got a full truck downstairs. So where do you want it?
Martin
Oh Jeez, I don't know.
Deliverer
You know, a lot of people put them in their living room.
Martin
[opens powder room] Here, here put it in the bathroom.
Deliverer
The bathroom?
Martin
Just put it in, all right?
Deliverer
Okay, I've done some crazy things...
Martin
All right, come on, quick.
Deliverer
Okay. Well, have a, you know-
Martin
Shut up, get out.
Helen
That's a beautiful bedroom, Frasier.
Frasier
Oh, thank you, thank you very much.
Helen
[to Faye] I noticed you were sort of quiet, Faye, almost as though you've been in there before.
Faye
[sarcastic] Oh yeah, I have, Ma, but I was drunk and it was dark: I don't remember so much!
Helen
[to Martin] You see how she talks to her mother? Oy!
Frasier
Jesus!
Frasier
I'll tell you what, I just realized you haven't seen the beautiful balcony. Dad, would you do the honors and I'll check on the brisket?
Frasier
What is going on?
Niles
The man who is supposed to do the number from "Jesus Christ Superstar" - he couldn't go on. He slipped in the shower; the man who could walk on water, but...
Frasier
Yes, yes, it's dripping with irony! Niles, what are you doing here?
Niles
Well, the minute I got within ten feet of the hay for the manger scene, my allergies kicked in. I think I left my nasal spray here somewhere.
Frasier
I am terribly sorry to tell you this, but you've got to get the hell out of here.
Niles
I don't think that kind of language is appropriate.
Frasier
Oh, just shut up!
Frasier
Would you believe it, it's still pink in the middle. By the time my brisket's done my kugel will be dry as the Sinai.
Helen
It certainly is beautiful, but now I think we're cutting it close.
Frasier
Yes, you know, you're quite right. We can continue the tour at another time. Let me walk you to the door.
Helen
Thank you so much, Frasier, you're wonderful. You know, maybe I should go to the powder room before we go.
Frasier
Oh yes, allow me.
Helen
What is going on?
Frasier
Helen, I am so terribly sorry.
Niles
I'll let you all sort this out, I really have to go.
Helen
I understand, this is your busy time.
Faye
Ma, Frasier's not Jewish. I told them to pretend so you wouldn't freak out.
Helen
What? Well, I... you think I care, you can date anyone you want!
Faye
Since when?
Helen
I can't believe you're embarrassing me like this.
Faye
You embarrass me on an hourly basis!
Helen
I embarrass you?! [to Frasier] Are you hearing this?
Frasier
You know, maybe we should just give you your privacy...
Helen
No one leaves! [to Faye] You see, you are making them uncomfortable in their own home. You could have trusted me to understand. All I want is for you to be happy.
Faye
As long as I'm happy in the life that you pick out for me!
Helen
Excuse me for being a terrible mother, all I do is care!
Faye
Oh, here it comes, the guilt! Just because I don't want you controlling my whole life...
Helen
So what do you want me to do about it, cut myself out of it?! You hate me?!
Faye
Sometimes I DO hate you!
Faye
I'm sorry Ma, I shouldn't have said that.
Helen
Why not? I am too involved. It's because you're all I have.
Faye
But you can't keep running my life.
Frasier
Maybe we should just...
Helen
Sit! We're nearly done.
Helen
I have been smothering you. Maybe it's time I learned to let you go.
Faye
I don't want to be let go. I want you in my life - just not running it. I do love you, mom.
Helen
Oh, baby, I love you too.
Faye
Well, we should go.
Helen
Right.
Helen
Oh, thank you for a lovely visit. Enjoy your holiday.
Faye
I am so sorry about all this.
Frasier
That's all right, that's all right. [hugs her] Call me when you get back.
Frasier
Good night. [closes door]
Martin
Boy, that was something.
Frasier
It certainly was. You know, we've had a couple of squabbles today, but nothing like that.
Martin
No way! [laughs]
Frasier
Well, maybe I should get that Christmas tree out of the bathroom.
Martin
One minute they're talking about one little problem, then suddenly it's everything else. Then it gets all emotional and messy and then they're hugging and then it's all over.
Frasier
You know, I suppose that's the healthiest way to go about it, huh, Dad?
Martin
Yeah, yeah, I guess you can't keep that stuff bottled up.
Frasier
No, if you sit on it, you'll just get madder and madder.
Martin
Yeah, best thing is to just lay it on the line!
Frasier
Exactly.
Martin
Frasier, I want my Rudolph out for Christmas.
Frasier
What, this again?
Martin
It's just not Christmas without it!
Frasier
Dad, we had an agreement about the Christmas decorations this year.
Martin
Yeah, but your Christmas stinks. I mean, do you call that a tree?
Frasier
You know, would it kill you to have a tasteful Christmas just once in your life? Every year we do Christmas your way.
Martin
And you have things your way every damn day! I mean look at it, there's nothing of mine around this place except for my chair and you've taken pot shots at that right from the start because it doesn't fit in with your frou-frou knick- knacks!
Frasier
Oh that's right, Dad, go ahead, ridicule everything I do: the way I eat, the way I decorate. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?
Martin
Do you know how it makes me feel to live like a guest in my own home?
Frasier
Dad, I do everything I can to make you feel welcome in this house, but nothing I ever do is good enough!
Martin
A strange way of making me feel welcome: taking Christmas away from me - the one time of the year when I get to do things my way! Like it used to be in our home, with your mother and when you were kids! You know, that's a nice memory for me, you'd think as a psychiatrist you'd figure that out!
Frasier
Fine, I'm not even a good psychiatrist! I guess I'm just a big fat let-down, aren't I?!
Martin
And I'm just a burden to you, AND I HATE LIVING HERE!
Frasier
AND I HATE YOU LIVING HERE!
Frasier
Oh my God.
Martin
Oh, Jeez.
Frasier
Oh God, I feel terrible.
Martin
So do I. They were hugging by now!
Frasier
We never should have tried this, we're not Jewish.
Martin
Maybe Mrs. Shapiro next door can talk us through it?
Frasier
She's out of town.
Martin
Oh, no. [cries] I'm sorry, I never should have said what I said.
Frasier
Oh Dad, no, I should have been more sensitive. I am a psychiatrist.
Martin
And you're a damned good one too, and I'm very proud of you.
Frasier
Really?
Martin
Yes.
Frasier
Oh Dad, I didn't mean any of the things I said. I love having you here.
Martin
I love being here. I always have.
Frasier
Honestly?
Martin
Well, no, but I thought it would get us to the hug!
Frasier
All right, let's try. place. We then see the Christmas tree: a large one covered in lots