Good Samaritan

Roz

So when's Freddie comin' in?

Frasier

Oh, actually, he's arriving in a few hours, I'm picking him up at the airport. Gosh, you know, I'm so excited to see him. It was Lilith's turn to have him for his birthday this year, but apparently there was an accident at the lab. One of her monkeys bit her on the tongue.

Roz

[disturbed] What exactly was she doing with the monkey?

Frasier

She was teaching them sign language. I guess one of them made a disparaging remark about her new haircut, she stuck her tongue out.

Roz

Wow! How bad does a haircut have to be for a monkey to hate it?

Frasier

[rising] Well, I guess I'm just gonna have to get myself a cup of coffee. [He notices something.] Oh, somebody dropped a wallet.

Roz

Hmmm. Is he cute?

Frasier

It's hard to tell from a driver's license photo, but he is five foot six, weighs two hundred pounds and has corrective lenses.

Roz

Leave it on the floor!

Frasier

Well, thank God I don't share your "Good deeds for hunks only" policy. [to counterman] Excuse me, I just found this...

Man

Hey, hey, is that my wallet you got there?

Frasier

Is it? I just found it on the floor over there, I was just about to leave it at the counter. Please, no reward.

Man

What happened to my cash?

Frasier

Well, I don't know. It was empty when I found it.

Man

Yeah, right! I had seven bucks in here!

Frasier

Well I'm sure some lucky thief is off enjoying a matinee and a small soda!

Man

At least you left my credit card! Jerk! [He stalks off.]

Frasier

Would you please bring me my usual? [He returns to the table.] Do you believe that guy? I do him a favor, he accuses me of stealing!

Roz

Oh, please. The world is full of creeps like that. Haven't you figured that out yet?

Frasier

Well, I'm sorry, Roz, but I still believe people are basically good.

Bulldog

Hey, guys, I'm glad you're here. I need to talk to you about something.

Frasier

What can I do for you, Bulldog?

Bulldog

My mom's having bypass surgery tomorrow morning, and I'd like to sit up with her tonight at the hospital. But I gotta work the eleven-to-one spot. I don't suppose you could...

Roz

Oh, right! Like we don't know there's a big fight in Vegas tonight!

Bulldog

Look, I know I've jerked you guys around before, but this is serious.

Frasier

Bulldog, I'm sorry, Frederick's coming in tonight, it's his birthday.

Bulldog

[taking out a cell phone and dialing] OK, Doc. Never mind, I understand. Hello, Bernice Briscoe's room, please. I hope my mom's around to celebrate her next birthday. Hi, Mom. It's Bobby. Um, look, I'm gonna have to work tonight after all...

Frasier

Bulldog, wait a minute. You know what? Frederick will probably be asleep by eleven, I guess we could take your spot...

Roz

Are you insane?! How can you be so gullible? He is not talking to his mother!

Roz

Does somebody have a boo-boo on her heart? Is someone gonna have to open you up with those big old rib spreaders? [then] Oh, Mrs. Briscoe, I'm so sorry. Listen, I just wanted you to know that we'll fill in for Bobby tonight.

Bulldog

Thanks a million, you guys. I better get back to the hospital.

Frasier

God bless, Bulldog.

Roz

[her face in her hands] I can't believe I said that! Oh, that poor woman...

Bulldog

Hey, we're outta here!

Woman

But our flight doesn't leave for another two hours.

Bulldog

No, I gotta stop by my mom's first. I owe her fifty bucks and a case of Schlitz.

Martin

Should I even ask?

Niles

These balloons come in an unsealed package, covered in some mysterious dust, straight from some southeast Asian sweatshop. Doesn't that worry you?

Martin

[sitting] Oh, you bet it does. I remember back in Korea, we'd crouch in our foxholes, scared to death those bastards were gonna drop balloons on us.

Daphne

[rushing in from her room] The doorman just called. They're on their way up.

Niles

I don't know how much of a surprise it's going to be, anyway. You did the same thing last year.

Martin

That's the whole point. He's never gonna suspect I'd do it two years in a row.

Daphne

I must say, I feel a bit bad for Freddie. None of his mates are going to be here, just us three old fogeys yelling "Surprise".

Martin

Well, any party he's at with you is gonna be a treat for him. You know, he's got that little crush on you.

Niles

If you really want Frederick to enjoy himself, he especially likes you in that little blue cocktail dress.

Daphne

Well, I'm not sure that dress is appropriate for a child's birthday party.

Niles

Well, it's hardly a party, it's just us fogeys.

Frasier

You know, Frederick, your granddad really wanted to be here, but he had an important Rotary Club meeting.

Freddie

Uh-oh.

Frasier

What?

Freddie

Not another surprise party.

Frasier

What are you talking about?

Freddie

Just like last year!

Frasier

Oh, lord, all right, all right. I'll tell you what, just don't let on, OK? You know how he loves this stuff. Just act surprised, all right?

Freddie

The hardest part is pretending to be fooled by those trick candles.

Frasier

Oh, gosh. You think it's hard now, wait 'til you're my age.

All

Surprise!

Freddie

Oh, wow! I'm so surprised!

Martin

See, I told you!

Freddie

Hi!

Daphne

Happy birthday, sweetheart. Just let me get the phone. [She answers as Freddie trails after like a puppy.] Hello? Yes, who's calling please? Wiwif? Anybody here know a Wiwif?

Frasier

Oh, Lilith! [He takes the phone.] Yes, hello Lilith. What's that? Oh, right! Yes, of course he's here. It's your mom, Freddie, why don't you take it into your granddad's room? [He hands it to Freddie.]

Freddie

OK. Hi, mom. [He goes off.]

Martin

Hey, let's get the cake ready.

Frasier

Oh, yes, yes. Oh, Frasier, I think you're going to be pleasantly surprised.

Frasier

Ooooh.

Niles

Et, voila!

Frasier

What the hell is that?

Niles

It's Louis Pasteur, Freddie's favorite scientist.

Frasier

What child wouldn't be thrilled with a coconut death mask on his birthday?

Martin

Frasier, what happened to your jacket?

Frasier

Oh, at the airport, I helped this woman get a dog into her car.

Niles

Oh, I hope at least it was in a crate.

Frasier

Yes, a very heavy crate. I had to hold it at arm's length so that what I chose to believe was drool wouldn't run out onto my shoes. [Niles grimaces.] Eight blocks later, I finally load little Fido into her backseat, the woman drives off without so much as a "Thank you" or an offer to give me a ride back to the airport. Well, I responded with the time-honored gesture of disapproval, but on the upswing I caught my finger on the jacket and, well... I must say, my belief in people's basic decency has taken a beating today. You know, earlier I returned a man's wallet, he accused me of stealing.

Martin

Well, it just proves what I always say: A good Samaritan is nothin' but a good target.

Frasier

Well, I'm sorry, Dad. I'm not ready to be quite that cynical yet.

Daphne

[coming in, excited] He's off the phone!

Martin

Ooh, good. All right. Well, you can believe what you want, but I think people are born rotten, and every year they get worse. [He leads the procession out of the kitchen.] Happy birthday to you...

Frasier

Welcome back to the night owl edition of the Dr. Frasier Crane show. We have Stephen on line two. Go ahead, caller, you're on the air.

Stephen

[v.o.] I think I'm losing my mind, Dr. Crane. People are talking to me through my radio.

Frasier

Why do you think that?

Stephen

There it is again.

Frasier

Turn your radio down.

Stephen

Now it's giving me orders!

Frasier

Stephen, turn your radio down.

Stephen

And it knows my name!

Frasier

Stephen, listen to me: this is your radio talking. I'm a very smart radio, and I care about you. And I want you to turn me off, go to bed, and seek counseling in the morning.

Stephen

OK. Sorry, Doc, can't talk anymore. [hangs up]

Frasier

Well, I'd like to end tonight on a philosophical note. You see, earlier today, I helped some people. [Roz uses a butterfly clip to hold her bangs up and begins wiping off her makeup with pads.] I returned a man's wallet and I aided a woman at the airport. And in return, I was accused of being a thief, and my favorite jacket was ruined. I was so disappointed by the events of the day that, on my way to work here tonight, I almost passed by an elderly man with a flat tire without stopping to help him.

Frasier

What the hell are you doing? [remembering] ...I asked myself. How would I feel if I were in this man's position, and no one stopped to help me? Well, I did pull over, I helped the man, and frankly it felt great. So without sounding preachy, I would like to advise you all to do a good deed once in a while. If not for the sake of others, but then for your own sake. Now let's go to station ID. [off-air] Roz, do you mind?

Roz

What is your problem? I'm getting ready for bed. Alice gets me up at the crack of dawn, if I get all this taken care of, I get an extra half hour's sleep.

Frasier

Well, at least you spared me the spectacle of flossing!

Roz

Thanks for reminding me. I had corn.

Frasier

And we're back. It seems we've got time for one more call... [Roz is now flossing and can't help.] Don't bother Roz, I'll get it. Go ahead, caller, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, I'm listening.

Ralph

[v.o.] Hi, Dr. Crane. This is Ralph. The guy whose tire you changed tonight?

Frasier

Ralph! Well, what a wonderful surprise. Let me first say to our listeners that this call was not solicited in any way.

Ralph

Dr. Crane, I was just wondering, do you wear cuff links?

Frasier

Why yes, as a matter of fact, I do. But there's no need to buy me a gift.

Ralph

A gift?! You scratched the hell out of my paint job with those things! You owe me money!

Frasier

You can't be serious! How much damage can cuff links do to a car whose side window consists of duct tape and a Hefty Bag?

Ralph

Ah, you'll find out when my lawyer sends you the bill!

Roz

Let me remind you again, listeners, that call was not solicited.

Frasier

[thinking, v.o.] Oh, great! Somebody else in need of a good Samaritan. Maybe if I ignore her, she'll stop waving. But what am I gonnna do? Just leave her standing in the rain? Then again, every one of my good deeds today has ended up biting me in the butt.

Frasier

Such nasty weather, may I offer you a ride?

Woman

Oh, thank you.

Crystal

I didn't think anyone was going to stop tonight.

Frasier

Well, chivalry may be on life support, but it's not dead.

Crystal

Ooh, seat warmers.

Frasier

Yes, they're standard. There's a little control on the side if you want more leg room. So, where can I take you?

Crystal

It's up to you. We can get a room, or we can do it here, in the car.

Frasier

[in shock] Oh, dear God. You are a prostitute.

Crystal

How far do these go back?

Frasier

Look, I'm sorry, there's been a mistake.

Crystal

Don't be nervous, baby.

Frasier

I am not nervous and would you please put your seat up.

Crystal

I'll put it any way you want me to, honey.

Frasier

[pulling over] Stop talking to me that way! For God's sake! All right, please, I am sorry about the misunderstanding but get out of my car.

Crystal

Well, why the hell did you pick me up?

Frasier

I was trying to be a gentleman, now get out!

Crystal

I'm not walking all the way back to my corner, give me some money for a cab.

Frasier

[checking his pockets] All right, fine. Oh lord, I guess I must have left my wallet back at the station.

Crystal

Well, how in the hell were you going to pay for me?

Frasier

I wasn't going to pay for you! Oh, good lord. Oh, here's a twenty dollar bill, now get out.

Frasier

Oh, God, get out! Hurry, out, out!

Crystal

It's too late, they've seen us.

Frasier

I don't believe this is happening to me. [He rolls down his window.] Hello officer, just how fast was I going?

Cop

Hey, don't I know you?

Frasier

No, I don't believe so.

Cop

No, I'm not talking to you. Didn't I bust you last week?

Crystal

[voice now an octave lower and obviously a man] Give me a break, buddy. I'm trying to earn a living here.

Frasier

Was it really necessary to take my belt and tie?

Cop

Standard procedure. It's for your own protection.

Frasier

For God's sake! You had me in the drunk tank. If I wanted to kill myself I would've taken a deep breath.

Niles

Frasier!

Frasier

Niles.

Niles

You certainly took your sweet time. I've been waiting here two hours.

Frasier

Well, I'm sorry, Niles. I guess what with the pillow fight in the holding tank and the pre-mug shot makeover, time just got away from me. Will you stop it?! Just bail me out of here, I can't stand another minute in this place!

Niles

All right. [to the desk sergeant, Fred] Excuse me, if you could get our bill together, we're ready to settle up here.

Fred

It's five hundred bucks.

Niles

Five hun... Frasier, I don't have that kind of cash on me.

Frasier

Put it on your credit card!

Niles

And have "Bail" appear on my statement? Do you know the kind of junk mail I would get?

Frasier

Just do it!

Niles

OK. There you are. [He gives his card to Fred, then turns back to Frasier] So, what happened? A prostitute? [snickers]

Frasier

Please, I told you on the phone. I didn't know she was a prostitute.

Niles

Uh-huh...

Frasier

I saw a woman stranded in the rain, naturally I offered her a ride. Before I knew it, I was handcuffed to this bench surrounded by this motley assortment of... [noticing them watching him] ...other wrongfully accused gentlemen.

Fred

Sir, your card didn't go through.

Niles

What? Oh, that's right. Maris's lawyers had my credit limit reduced.

Frasier

Oh, no.

Niles

It's been so bad, this week when I went to the cheese shop for their "Around the World" platter, they cut me off at Luxembourg.

Frasier

Would you please call Dad and get him down here?

Niles

[getting on his cell phone] All right. Yeah, Dad? Hi, my credit card was declined. Well, we need yours. Yeah. Well, right. Yeah, I'll see you soon.

Frasier

Oh, God, this is intolerable. Now it'll take him twenty minutes to get here.

Niles

No, he's waiting in the car.

Frasier

What? Why didn't he come in?

Niles

Frasier, this was his old precinct. When we pulled up outside, I saw a look on his face I haven't seen since he drove us home from our first and only little league game.

Niles

Oh, Dad...

Martin

Shhh. Hold it down, will ya?

Frasier

Dad, I'm so sorry. What happened was...

Martin

No, I don't need to know. I didn't come down here to judge. You're my son, and I love you.

Frasier

Yes, for God's sake, Dad, I didn't...

Martin

Why don't we just pay up and get out of here, OK?

Fred

Hey, Marty.

Martin

Hey, Fred.

Fred

Listen, I wouldn't take this too hard, Marty. You remember Captain Pachesky's son turned out to be the Coleman Park Pervert.

Martin

Yeah, thanks.

Fred

And Sergeant O'Brian's daughter does all them cable movies.

Martin

Yeah, I heard.

Fred

You can pick her out, she's got his chin.

Martin

Yeah, could we just get on with it here?

Frasier

Dad, would you let me explain?

Martin

Frasier, look, I understand, I was in the army. We all have our urges.

Frasier

Yes, but you don't...

Fred

Just sign here.

Frasier

All that happened was...

Crystal

Bye, Dr. Crane, sorry I got you arrested.

Frasier

Oh, that's all right, Crystal, these things happen.

Frasier

He had a wig on!

Martin

You're my son and I love you.

Frasier

Oh, will you stop saying that?!

Martin

I still don't know what you were thinking. Middle of the night, deserted street, picking up a strange woman.

Niles

[snickering again] A VERY strange woman.

Frasier

Obviously I wasn't thinking. Thank God it's all over. I'll just spend a quiet weekend here with Frederick. [He picks the paper off the floor.] Oh, dear God!

Niles

[reading] "Doc's Pal Is a Mock Gal"

Frasier

Oh, will this nightmare never end?! Now, listen Dad, we're bound to get a lot of calls about this thing. Please do not answer the phone, don't talk to anybody, just let the machine get it. You don't want to give them anything they can turn into something tawdry...

Daphne

Yeah, I live with Dr. Crane. Yeah, there's quite a bit of massage involved.

Frasier

Daphne!

Daphne

Mostly around the hips, thighs and buttocks.

Frasier

God! Give me that! [grabbing the phone] No comment! [He hangs up.] Oh, Daphne, please don't answer the phone, let the machine pick up.

Daphne

Yeah, well the machine's filled up. Everyone's been calling.

Frasier

Oh, where's Frederick?

Daphne

He's still asleep. Look, Dr. Crane, I just wanted to say you're the victim here.

Frasier

Thank you.

Daphne

Yeah, American society's so close-minded when it comes to sexual experimentation. In Europe...

Frasier

Daphne, I didn't do anything wrong!

Daphne

Well, exactly! That's what I'm trying to say!

Frasier

Oh, I guess I deserve all this. I certainly had enough warning to stop being such a Boy Scout, but did I listen? No. Well, from now on, Dr. Crane — [off the paper] or as Seattle now knows him, "Dr. Strangelove" - is out of the Samaritan business.

Frasier

Thank you, Niles.

Niles

Frasier, have you given much thought about what you're going to tell Frederick?

Frasier

Oh, God. How can I possibly explain it to him? Well, I guess the key is not to be evasive. He's going to hear about it sooner or later, I guess it should be from me.

Frasier

After all, I am a trained professional, I can do it in a way that won't traumatize the child. [seeing Freddie reach for the paper, he bellows] FREDDIE, DON'T TOUCH THAT!

Martin

[getting up] You know, I could use a glass of orange juice. I think I'm gonna go in the kitchen get a glass.

Niles

[also rising] Oh, orange juice, yum. I'm going to come with you for that.

Freddie

Am I having another surprise party?

Frasier

[getting up] No, no, Frederick. Here, sit down for a second, son. [They both sit at the table.] I, I've got something I've gotta talk to you about. For the next couple of days, you're going to hear some rather nasty stories and some snide jokes about your old man...

Freddie

Mom's coming?

Frasier

No, no she's not. It's very hard for me to tell you this, but I just spent the night in jail.

Freddie

Wow! Like Brad Johnson's dad.

Frasier

Well, that was different. Insider trading is wrong.

Freddie

What did you do?

Frasier

Well, I saw a woman standing in the rain and I gave her a ride.

Freddie

You can go to jail for that?

Frasier

Well, it depends on the sort of woman. You see, this particular woman, this uh, person was a prostitute. But I didn't know that until it was too late.

Freddie

A prostitute?

Frasier

Oh God, how can I explain this? A prostitute is someone who engages in sexual relations with other people for money.

Freddie

Dad, I'm eleven. I know what a prostitute is. But, why did you pick one up?

Frasier

Well, you see, I didn't know that it was a prostitute at the time. I was only trying to do a good deed. Well, I suppose in hindsight it was all a big mistake. I should have minded my own business.

Freddie

So what are you trying to say, Dad? You shouldn't try to help people?

Frasier

Well...

Frasier

May I offer you a ride?

Woman

Oh, thank you.

Laura

I waved at you a couple of times, but I didn't think you saw me.

Frasier

Yes, well I noticed you, I was just having sort of a bad daydream. So, where can I take you?

Laura

Same place you're going.

Frasier

[panicked] Oh, dear God. You're...

Laura

Laura Hilton. I live in your building.

Frasier

Of course, Laura. Hi.

Laura

I'm so glad you stopped when you did.

Frasier

Oh, I'm certainly glad I stopped too.