Our Parents, Ourselves

Frasier

Go ahead, Sophie, I'm listening.

Sophie

[v.o.] Hi, Dr. Crane. My husband's having some of his friends over to watch the game Sunday, and I think it'd be nice if I could have some of my girlfriends over too.

Frasier

Sounds reasonable.

Sophie

Exactly. I mean, it's just football.

Larry

[in the background] Not football, Einstein, the Super Bowl.

Frasier

Ah, that would be your doting husband now.

Sophie

Larry, this is a private conversation. And for God's sake, use a plate!

Frasier

Sophie, why don't you put your husband on the line?

Sophie

Pick up.

Larry

Ah, geez. [picks up, louder] Hello!

Frasier

Larry, I gotta tell you, I'm afraid I side with your wife on this one.

Larry

That just proves you don't know the first thing about football.

Frasier

What I do or do not know about football has...

Larry

OK, how's this: My wife's friends can come over if you can answer even one little football question. Like...

Frasier

Now, I don't see that that's in any...

Larry

You're down by six, you're on your own forty, three seconds left, what do you do?

Frasier

Well, all right, you would...

Frasier

You would take your receivers, [Roz sets them together] and line them up, [she pretends to throw] and then throw a pass. [big throwing gesture] A long, long pass.

Larry

Yeah, and what's the name for that?

Frasier

A Hail Mary. [Roz gives him the thumbs up.] Sophie and Larry, I hope you enjoy the game. In the meanwhile, this is Coach Crane saying, I'm listening.

Roz

I'm impressed you're so good at charades.

Frasier

I'm impressed you could mime a virgin. So, Roz, you walkin' out?

Roz

No, I got stuff I gotta do. I've got some carts to rack, and I want to put together some Best of Crane tapes.

Frasier

Oh, your mother's still in town?

Roz

In town, in my apartment, and when I left this morning, in my refrigerator, smelling my milk!

Frasier

Oh, lord.

Roz

I, I love her, I just wish I could get a couple of hours to myself one night.

Frasier

Well, why don't you just ask her? She might enjoy a little time to herself. I know my dad does.

Roz

You are so lucky. I wish my mother drank alone.

Frasier

You know, Roz, your mom's about the same age as my dad, isn't she?

Roz

Yeah, I guess.

Frasier

Does she date much?

Roz

Since my father left, practically never... no, hang on...

Frasier

No, no, hear me out, Roz. Now, Dad hasn't dated anybody since he and Sherry broke up, I'm starting to worry he's lost his nerve. A date with your mom could be a tremendous favor to him.

Roz

I don't know.

Frasier

Oh, come on, I'll tell you what: I know it's awkward but there's a way to minimize that. Niles and I are having dinner with him tonight. We'll take him to McGinty's, he'll feel comfortable, you and your mother can just happen by. We'll see what transpires, you know, they'll never even know it's a fix-up.

Roz

Oh, what the hell, I'll give it a shot, I guess. How's five sound?

Frasier

Five? Your mother is ready for dinner at five?

Roz

I keep her on Wisconsin time, that way she's in bed by eight.

Martin

Hey, look what I got here, boys! A Funion Onion. The chef sent it over with his compliments.

Frasier

I wonder what his insults are like.

Martin

[to a waitress] Hey, Bonnie!

Bonnie

Hey ya, Marty. Oh, you must be Frasier, the big radio star.

Frasier

Oh, yes. Hello.

Bonnie

Your dad is so proud of you, he talks about you all the time. Who's your friend?

Martin

Now, what's wrong with you? I told you about my other son.

Bonnie

[shaking Niles's hand] Oh, of course, what am I thinking? Nice to meet you, Eddie.

Martin

This is Niles. How 'bout some beers, Bonnie?

Bonnie

Coming right up.

Niles

Oh God, look. The group coming in the door, they're from the Shangri-La.

Jimbo

Whoa, it's the Coyote!

Niles

Evening, evening, Jimbo. Check you later.

Martin

Wow, you got a nickname down there already. That's great! The Coyote?

Niles

Yes.

Frasier

And how did you earn that honorific?

Niles

Oh, it was quite the merry road. Yes. It evolved from Niles to Nilesy to Niley to Nile E. Coyote and now simply "The Coyote."

Niles

Oh, well, just when I thought it couldn't be refined any further.

Frasier

Oh, goodness, look who's here! Roz!

Roz

What? We don't see enough of each other during the day?

Frasier

Hello, Joanna.

Joanna

Nice to see you again, Frasier.

Frasier

Nice to see you again, too. Please, won't you sit down and join us?

Joanna

Oh, no, we don't want to intrude.

Frasier

Oh, no, no, please, the more the merrier.

Roz

All right. Mom, this is Frasier's dad, Martin Crane. This is my mom, Joanna Doyle.

Martin

Very nice to meet you. And this is my other son, Niles.

Niles

How do you do?

Joanna

It's a pleasure.

Frasier

Roz, will you just look at the two of them.

Roz

How did you two manage to finish all that?

Joanna

Oh, please. This is how our generation ate every day. I used to live on cigarettes, whiskey sours and bacon cheeseburgers.

Martin

Yeah, and what about breakfast? Fried eggs, sausage patties, hash browns...

Niles

My God, last night I ate a profiterole and lay awake 'til dawn waiting for my heart attack.

Joanna

Those were simpler times, weren't they, Marty?

Martin

Oh yeah, we didn't worry about dumb things like cholesterol. We worried about puttin' food on the table, keepin' the yard clean and the car shiny.

Joanna

And the H-bomb.

Martin

Well, yeah, that.

Frasier

Say, Roz, we better be going if we're going to get that work done tonight.

Niles

Oh, I should be going too.

Roz

Mom and me are going to that jazz club on Fifth.

Frasier

But we promised to finish those promos tonight.

Roz

Oh, right. Mom, I'm sorry, I totally forgot.

Joanna

It's OK.

Frasier

Wait, I've got an idea. Uh, Dad, since I'm kidnapping Roz, why don't you take Joanna to the jazz club?

Martin

Well, sure, I'd love to.

Roz

Is that OK with you, Mom?

Joanna

If Martin's game, I'm game.

Frasier

Oh, well, perfect. OK, you kids just have some coffee, we'll see you back at the apartment later, OK?

Joanna

All right.

Niles

Very, very nice to meet you.

Joanna

Thank you.

Joanna

Look at them. They think we don't know this is a setup.

Martin

Well, how could we figure it out? We're just a retired detective and an attorney general. [they laugh]

Roz

You were absolutely right, they didn't suspect a thing.

Frasier

I told you Roz, just leave it to the master.

Roz

God, I thought they'd be home by now.

Frasier

Roz, will you please relax and watch the pageant with us? They're right in the middle of the talent competition. [She sits next to him.]

Daphne

It's shameless the way they're sucking up to the international panel of judges. Miss Germany just played "Lady of Spain" on a French horn.

Frasier

Roz, you're gonna chew that nail right off. Stop it.

Roz

I can't help it. I'm nervous. Do you think it's gonna turn out OK?

Frasier

Who cares?

Daphne

Not for Miss Brazil. Look at the tree trunks on her. She's her own little rain forest.

Roz

I just keep worrying that she's gonna have a lousy time, and it will be all my fault. Screwing up, like always.

Frasier

Oh, come on, Roz. Your mother doesn't think you're a screwup.

Roz

Oh, yeah? In high school, I ran my own informal shoplifting clinic. In college, I dropped out of pre-law because it interfered with Bruce Springsteen's touring schedule. And now I'm an unwed mother. What would you call me?

Daphne

Tramp.

Frasier

Daphne!

Daphne

It's Miss Venezuela. If that dress of hers was slit any higher, you could see Caracas.

Frasier

Oh, oh, Roz. You know what? So what if they don't get along? So we made a mistake.

Roz

[getting up for some sherry] You don't understand. My mother doesn't make mistakes. She does everything well. She's smart, successful, classy... oh, what the hell was I thinking?

Frasier

[rising] About what? Setting her up with my father?

Roz

No, that's not what I meant.

Frasier

That is exactly what you meant!

Roz

Well, OK, Frasier. No offense, your father is a very nice man, but let's face it: My mother was the attorney general of Wisconsin.

Frasier

Well I hope he remembers to curtsey before the Dairy Queen!

Daphne

[getting up] This is ridiculous. I'm going to watch this in my room. Miss Finland just laid out her plan to end world hunger, and I missed it!

Frasier

Oh, lord.

Frasier

Oh, Roz, that is the best promo of all.

Roz

Oh, hi! How was your evening?

Joanna

Oh, the jazz was first rate. But I'm afraid I talked Martin's ear off.

Martin

Oh, you're crazy. Your mother tells wonderful stories, Roz. I could have listened to her all night.

Joanna

You are either too kind or a little tipsy. But thank you. Come on, Lammy. I really had a lovely time.

Martin

Well, I can't remember when I had a better time. We're gonna have to do this again.

Joanna

Bye, Frasier.

Frasier

Goodnight, Joanna. Lammy.

Frasier

[grinning] So... Tell me all about it.

Martin

Well, being a gentleman, I don't want to go into the details, so suffice it to say, it STUNK!

Frasier

What?

Martin

[putting up his coat] That was the dullest evening of my life. The way she drones on and on. Do you know how many metric tons of eggs Wisconsin produces every year?

Frasier

No.

Martin

Well, I do!

Frasier

Oh...

Martin

Look, Frasier, I know you meant well, but if you ever set me up again, I'll kill you in your sleep. Goodnight.

Roz

[excited] I told my mom to meet me downstairs. I just had to come up and tell you. She had the best time! She can't wait to go out with your father again. Will you tell him to call her tomorrow? Oh, Frasier, this whole thing worked out like a dream!

Martin

[crossing to the kitchen] It's amazing! Her voice is still echoing in my head!

Frasier

Yes, it's like a fairy tale over here, too.

Frasier

I've just got to find some way to tell Roz.

Niles

Why? It's just going to hurt her mom's feelings.

Frasier

Her feelings are going to be hurt anyway. She's here 'til Sunday. She's expecting him to call. Oh, dear God. At least this way Roz can let her down easy.

Niles

Looks like both of us have difficult conversations ahead of us.

Frasier

What's yours?

Niles

All week long, I have been getting less coffee and more foam in my cappuccino. It's about time for someone to raise a little hell. Who's on steamer duty?

Frasier

Well, it's that hulking fellow, Thad. The one who doesn't react when his arm touches the steamer nozzle.

Niles

Where is that suggestion box?

Roz

Oh, hey Frasier.

Frasier

Hi, Roz.

Roz

Double espresso to go, please. [Roz and Frasier sit.] Listen, I really need to thank you again. My mother had the best time last night. And when we got home, WE started talking. We ended up staying up half the night.

Frasier

Oh, Roz I'm glad for you, but...

Roz

It was like a wall came down. She just opened up to me. She started talking about how hard it was on her when my dad left, and how lonely she's been, and it was like she was talking to a girlfriend instead of her screw-up daughter. So, has Martin called her yet?

Frasier

No. But he will. Soon. Uh, he had a really busy morning.

Roz

Well, how does this weekend look? 'Cause she's leaving Sunday night.

Frasier

Sunday? Oh, well let's see, tonight is poker night, that's no good. Saturday he's made plans to, uh, drive Duke to Tacoma for that all day... Tacoma-Fest.

Roz

Well, on Sunday we go to a matinee and then I drive her to the airport.

Frasier

Oh, darn.

Roz

Wait a minute. I can give my ticket to Martin and they can go together.

Frasier

No, no, Sunday's no good, because that's the, uh...

Roz

Oh right, it's the Super Bowl!

Frasier

Right, the Super Bowl. You know how Dad is about football, it's like a religion with him. In fact, he's made Niles and I promise that we'd watch it with him this year.

Roz

Oh, well, OK. Let's just forget about the tickets and we'll come over and watch the game. Is there any reason why that won't work?

Frasier

Not that I can come up with.

Roz

That's great, my mom's going to be so excited. [She turns to pay her bill, Niles takes it and puts it on the counter.] Oh, thank you, Niles. I'll see you Sunday at your Super Bowl party.

Niles

[sitting] I see you told Roz the news and she went insane.

Frasier

Couldn't do it. Told her we were watching the Super Bowl with Dad and she and her mother are coming over.

Niles

This is a nightmare!

Frasier

I know. I've got to find some way to tell Dad.

Niles

I have to watch the Super Bowl?!

Frasier

I suppose the sooner I tell him, the better.

Niles

Oh, not necessarily.

Frasier

What do you mean?

Niles

Well, you know Dad. If you warn him Joanna's coming over, he'll just bolt to McGinty's. If I were you, I'd wait until five minutes before game time and then spring it on him. That way he has no choice but to stay.

Frasier

I think I owe him more than five minutes' warning. Besides, Dad would never deliberately hurt Joanna standing her up. He is first and foremost a gentleman.

Martin

I saw Roz, so I hid outside in case that old gasbag of a mother was with her. Well, I guess she wasn't, everybody's still awake.

Martin

Look at those guys in the locker room. Nervous, hearts pounding, probably a little sick to their stomachs, poor kids.

Frasier

Yes. Until I got out of high school, I didn't there was any other way to feel in a locker room.

Martin

What's the matter with you? You keep looking at your watch.

Frasier

Was I?

Martin

Yeah. Is there something on your mind?

Frasier

No, no, but there's something I wanted to talk to you about, but now's not the time.

Frasier

Now's the time.

Martin

Just let me get the door.

Frasier

No, Dad, Dad, that's what I have to talk to you about. You see, that's going to be Roz and her mother.

Martin

What?

Frasier

Well, Joanna had such a good time with you the other night, and you did say that you would see her again, and rather than send her home with her feelings hurt, I had to tell her you wanted her here.

Martin

What, like a date?

Frasier

Well, that's the beauty of it. It's like a date, but it's not a date. Just, you know, make small talk, you pass the dip.

Martin

No, Frasier, you don't understand...

Frasier

Now, Dad, I know you found her a little less than scintillating, but please, it'll be over before you know it.

Bonnie

Hey, Frasier.

Frasier

Hi, Bonnie.

Bonnie

Martin.

Martin

Hey, Bonnie, glad you could make it. Let me hold this. See, this is what I was trying to tell you, Frasier, I invited Bonnie.

Frasier

[taking her coat] Oh, how nice.

Martin

Well, what do you got here?

Bonnie

Oh, it's my special deviled ham in the shape of a football. But I still need to put on some macaroni laces.

Martin

Oh, the kitchen's right down there, just holler if you need anything. [She heads over.]

Frasier

What did you invite her for?

Martin

Well, because I like her, and I thought I might want to ask her out, and I thought if she came over for the game it might be a step in the right direction. I mean "like a date but not a date."

Frasier

Now that's gonna be Roz and her mother.

Bonnie

Should I put some coffee on while I'm in here?

Martin

You better, we're gonna need it.

Frasier

Would you come on, Dad? Would it kill you to be civil for the length of one Super Bowl? What is that, an hour out of your life?

Martin

Hi! [The ladies shush them and motion to the baby.] Sorry. Come on in.

Joanna

Thanks so much for inviting us.

Martin

Wouldn't be fun without you.

Roz

Frasier, could you show Mom where Alice can finish her nap?

Frasier

I'm sure Dad would love to.

Martin

My pleasure, just come this way, Joanna. So, you a big football fan?

Joanna

No, actually I've never even seen a game. I was hoping you'd explain as we go along.

Bonnie

[coming from the kitchen] OK, who's hungry? Oh, hey, I'm Bonnie.

Roz

Hi, from McGinty's. I didn't know you were coming.

Bonnie

Yeah, Martin invited me. He was real cute about it. He checked with all the waitresses to find out if I was single.

Roz

Oh. [She looks questioningly at Frasier.]

Frasier

Yes, well you know how Dad is always trying to, ah...

Bonnie

Hey, the Coyote!

Frasier

Find a new girl for Niles. Niles, you remember Bonnie. She waited on us at McGinty's.

Niles

Oh, of course. I'll have a vodka martini, very dry.

Frasier

Don't be silly, Niles. Bonnie is here as our guest.

Roz

Yeah, your dad thought you two might hit it off.

Niles

[not enthused] Oh.

Bonnie

[even less enthused] Oh.

Niles

The Superbowl and a date. Hot diggity!

Bonnie

Well, come here, you're just in time for my specialty.

Niles

Oh, I... [She pops a cracker in his mouth.] Mmmm! Isn't that interesting! Something formerly ham.

Daphne

[coming from her room] Well, I'm off to the cinema.

Niles

You're not staying for the game?

Daphne

Sorry, but Ameican football's not for me, and they're showing "Wuthering Heights" downtown. I think it's the most romantic movie ever made.

Niles

You're going alone?

Daphne

Yes, unfortunately. It's more fun to go with someone, except of course it always ends the same way: Me weeping all over me date's shoulder while he does what he can to comfort me.

Bonnie

Oh, you should have seen me cry putting onions in this ham loaf. I must've gone through a whole roll of toilet paper.

Daphne

Well, enjoy your game.

Niles

Frasier, may I see you in the kitchen?

Martin

That's amazing! You do all you do and you still have time to be a docent at the cheese museum on the weekends? Frasier, can I see you in the kitchen?

Frasier

Just a second, Dad, I gotta take drink orders in here.

Niles

Thanks for setting me up with that Spam-happy tootsy.

Martin

What are you talking about?

Niles

Bonnie. Frasier told me you invited her here for me.

Martin

I invited her here for me. He probably said I invited her for you because he didn't want to upset Miss Boring's feelings.

Frasier

[entering] Now, now, no private conversations. Your dates are waiting.

Martin

They're not our dates!

Niles

We hate them!

Frasier

Now listen. I realize that this is a very difficult situation, but if we all cooperate, we can send everybody home happy. Dad, if you would like, you can discretely take Bonnie aside and tell her what's going on.

Martin

Bonnie, can I tell you something?

Frasier

I said DISCRETELY!

Joanna

I think the game is about to start.

Roz

Oh, that reminds me, I want to get Alice's bottle warming.

Bonnie

Oh, you have a baby?

Joanna

Oh, the most adorable little girl.

Martin

Oh, she's a real beaut! You oughta see her, Bonnie.

Roz

You can come with me if you want when I feed her.

Martin

No, you go ahead and get that ready, I'll show Bonnie, it's right through there.

Frasier

Now, Dad, don't you get fresh with Niles's girl, there.

Martin

Oh, I won't if he won't.

Joanna

Your father is really smitten with that baby, isn't he?

Roz

I think he's just got a weak spot for the Doyle women.

Joanna

Oh.

Frasier

Yes, well, he may appear to have a crusty exterior, but deep down inside, Dad's just an old softy.

Martin

[v.o.] Well, there's the kid. Kind of a goony-looking thing, isn't she?

Niles

Is that Dad?

Martin

Look, Bonnie, I gotta tell you somethin'. I didn't ask you here for Niles, I asked you here for me.

Frasier

It's the baby monitor! We should just...

Joanna

[grabbing it away from Niles and Frasier] Shh. I want to hear this.

Bonnie

But I thought you were with Joanna.

Martin

No, no. Frasier and Roz set us up last week. I told Frasier I thought she was a big snooze. Especially compared to the fun you and I have at the bar, but he stuck me with her again.

Frasier

You know, I bet they know it's on...

Roz

Yeah.

Frasier

And they're just having some fun with us...

Roz

Yeah.

Joanna

Frasier, just stay put.

Bonnie

Then Niles isn't my date? Oh, there's a relief. I mean, no offense, Marty, but...

Martin

Hey, you don't have to tell me.

Niles

[grabbing his coat] OK. If anybody wants me, I'll be at the movies. [He rushes out.]

Bonnie

So you really like me? You're not just pulling my leg?

Martin

You want proof?

Joanna

I think we can turn this off now.

Frasier

Joanna, I am so sorry. I know it sounded bad, but...

Joanna

No, no, not at all. I'm sure your father meant "big snooze" in the most flattering sense. Roz, maybe we should leave.

Roz

What were you thinking?

Frasier

Oh, Roz, I certainly wasn't thinking that he had a date planned.

Roz

I'm just going to get Alice. Mom, I'm so sorry.

Joanna

Believe me. Twenty years in politics, I've been called worse things than boring.

Joanna

Well, I hope you'll understand if I just slip out without saying goodbye to Martin?

Frasier

Of course, Joanna. The last thing we need today is another awkward situation.

Martin

[o.s.] Whoa-ho-ho, Roz! Knock, will ya?

Roz

I left my diaper bag.

Frasier

Right. Can you come in for a bit?

Roz

I really shouldn't.

Frasier

Roz, I'm so sorry.

Roz

It's all right. I mean, I'm not gonna say that my mother wasn't hurt, but she did start to smile a little bit about it on the way to the airport.

Frasier

You know, I've been sitting here, trying to figure out why I was so eager to play matchmaker for Dad.

Roz

Oh, you're not alone. I mean, I was excited once I thought it was going well.

Frasier

Well, I suspect I wasn't doing it so much for him as I was doing it for me. I see him here all the time, all alone, I wonder if maybe that's not gonna be me someday.

Roz

Oh, God. I think the same thing sometimes when I see these older ladies in my building. They all want to babysit Alice just for the company. I mean, she's a cute baby, but she ain't no Dorthy Parker.

Frasier

Ah, well, we're both gonna be fine. I was just thinking, though, if we wanna play it safe, we could make one of those, uh, pacts.

Roz

You mean, like in forty years, if neither one of us finds anyone...

Frasier

Yeah, exactly, we'll marry each other.

Roz

I was gonna say kill each other.

Frasier

Well, six of one...