The Show Where Woody Shows Up
Aired 4th February 1999 · Written by Rob Greenberg · Directed by Pamela Fryman
Audrey
[v.o.] So, Dr Crane, I don't see why I should fix the dumb dress when my sister can't even fit into it anymore.
Frasier
Audrey, you borrowed the dress, you tore it. As an old Greek haberdasher once said: "Euripedes, Eumenides." [laughs]
Audrey
What?
Frasier
It's just a little joke on the ancient dramatist Euripedes and the mythological Furies.
Audrey
Huh?
Frasier
Just fix the dress. [line off] We'll be back after the weather.
Frasier
Uh Roz, Noel gave me this to give to you.
Roz
[taking gift] Oh God, Noel. He's been acting so weird lately.
Frasier
Lately? May I remind you this is the man required by law to stay at least 100 yards away from William Shatner?
Roz
No, I bumped into him at Nervosa about a month ago, there were no other free tables so we sat together and ever since then he's been acting like we're some kind of a couple.
Frasier
Oh come on, Roz. I'm sure he knows that you're not interested in him.
Roz
[showing Frasier the gift tag] "Happy Monthaversary."
Frasier
Oh, Lord. [Roz goes back to her booth] We're on. [on air] And we're back, let's get straight to the phones. I'm listening.
Woody
[v.o.] Dr Crane? It's Woody. I'm in Seattle and I'm a little lost.
Frasier
Well Woody, in today's fast-paced, high-pressure society that's not uncommon. Just why exactly do you feel lost?
Woody
Well, I've been driving around for about an hour, I can't seem to get out of the airport.
Frasier
[the penny drops] Oh, Woody Woody. Oh well, listeners, this is an old friend of mine from back in Boston. Well, how you doin' there, you old cowpoke?
Woody
I was doing okay, but all this talk about today's fast-paced, high-pressure world's starting to get me down.
Frasier
Yes, well I have just the cure for that. How about dinner?
Woody
Sounds great. I'm in town all week.
Frasier
And I'm free all week. How's tonight?
Woody
That'd be great. So I hear you're on the radio?
Frasier
Yes I am, Woody. And so are you.
Woody
No, no, no. I'm still tending bar at Cheers. How do these rumors get started?
Frasier
Believe it or not, listeners, Woody and I are picking up right where we left off.
Noel
Knock knock?
Roz
Noel...
Noel
Oh, I haven't seen that outfit before, set your phasers on stunning.
Roz
Listen, I need to talk to you. I can not accept anniversary gifts.
Noel
Oh, I know that. I was just making a little joke. I know we're just friends. I saw this and it made me think of you.
Roz
Okay. Thanks.
Noel
[as he leaves] Oh, if you're not going to open it for a while, you might want to move the the ribbon. It's blocking the air holes.
Daphne
Here. I made you some lamb stew.
Martin
I'm telling you, there's something weird about Eddie.
Daphne
Oh, for the love of God, not this again.
Martin
You never should have taken him to those dog groomers.
Daphne
I had to bring him. His toenails were like Howard Hughes's and his breath smelled like an autopsy.
Martin
Well, look at him. They did something to him. The sparkle's gone from his eyes.
Daphne
Yes, and so are those gooey green bits.
Frasier
Oh. That's probably Woody. I'll get it. [opens door] Oh, Niles.
Niles
[entering] Hello, Frasier. I know this is impromptu, but I'm going to an oboe recital and I thought you might want to join me.
Frasier
Well, I'm sorry, Niles. An old friend of mine came in from out of town, I invited him to come over this evening.
Niles
Well, have him join us. I'm sure we can get three seats together.
Frasier
Ah well, I'm not sure an oboe recital's what I had in mind, I was thinking of something a little more raucous.
Niles
Well, if it's raucous you're looking for, we could go and get a nightcap at the piano bar at the Mayflower Hotel - It's Jerome Kern night! Last time people were shouting out requests without raising their hands!
Frasier
No, I'm afraid we'll have to pass. You see, my friend Woody is an old bar chum from back at Cheers. [the doorbell bing bongs. Frasier goes to answer it] What I had in mind was really more of a beer-swillin', back-slappin' kind of night, if you know what I mean? You're certainly welcome to join us if you like.
Niles
It sounds interesting.
Frasier
All right. [opens door to - ] Woody?
Woody
Hey, Dr Crane! [they hug]
Frasier
Good to see ya.
Woody
You look great.
Frasier
Well thank you, thanks. You too.
Woody
Aah, this place is awesome.
Frasier
Thank you.
Woody
[indicating Daphne, Martin and Niles] I'm not surprised you need all these roommates to help you pay for it.
Frasier
Er, they're not really roommates, Woody. They're... they're more like boarders actually. That's my father, Martin.
Woody
Well, hi. I remember hearing about you, you were a policeman, right?
Martin
That's right.
Frasier
And that's my brother right there, Niles. He's a psychiatrist too.
Niles
Hello.
Woody
Oh, wow!
Frasier
And this is Daphne Moon, my father's home health-care worker.
Daphne
It's nice to meet you.
Woody
Oh hi. I like your accent. Aah, you're from England, right?
Daphne
Manchester.
Woody
Darn! I'm usually pretty good at that. [Eddie bounces in] Oh hey, who's this little guy?
Martin
I'm not sure I even know anymore.
Woody
[to Frasier, confidentially] My dad's getting the same way.
Frasier
So Woody, can I get you a beer?
Woody
That's funny, huh? Y'know, all those years I was waiting on you, and now you're getting me a beer.
Frasier
Yes well, life's like that sometimes, isn't it? Daphne, get us a couple of beers, will ya? [Daphne goes to kitchen, not happily] So, what brings you to Seattle?
Woody
My cousin's getting married.
Frasier
Really?
Niles
Which is your cousin, the bride or the groom?
Woody
Actually, both are.
Niles
I assume they're kissing cousins?
Woody
Ho, they're doing a lot more than that! That's why they have to get married.
Frasier
So, is Kelly with you?
Woody
No no, she's visiting her mom with the kids, but she sends her love.
Frasier
And how's the old gang?
Woody
Oh well, they haven't changed much. Sam's doing great, Carla's terrific... oh, y'know, we almost had a wedding. Mr. Clavin got himself one of those Eastern European mail-order brides, but ah, they lived together for a couple of days, and decided to call it off.
Frasier
Oh, gosh. I'm so sorry for Cliff.
Woody
Yeah. She said she was homesick. That Bosnia must be a beautiful place.
Daphne
Here we are.
Frasier
Oh thank you, Daphne.
Daphne
That's one for you, one for you, and [opens can and heads towards Martin. Sits down] one for me.
Frasier
Well Woody, I thought tonight we would just maybe stay in, y'know, order some pizza?
Woody
Sounds good by me.
Frasier
Okay, great. I'll just call the place around the corner. Niles you uh, gonna join us?
Niles
Well, why not? It'll be fun to drink some beer and have some pizza with a couple of rapscallions.
Woody
Oh hey, if you don't mind, could we make that half rapscallions, half pepperoni?
Woody
That wasn't the best prank we played. You remember that time with Mr. Clavin?
Frasier
Oh yes. And the ferret! [more laughter; Daphne and Martin look on, obviously not understanding.]
Woody
[explaining] He was about to go on his round and we shoved an angry ferret into his mailbag.
Niles
Oh, my. Exactly, ahh, how do you make a ferret angry?
Woody
Well, for starters, you shove him into a mailbag.
Frasier
God, that was funny. Do you remember the expression on his face?
Woody
Y'know, I never saw his face. I was too busy looking at Mr. Clavin.
Frasier
Woody, let me get you another cold one.
Woody
Oh, thanks.
Frasier
My god. I tell ya, this has just been the best evening. My God, it's like re-living all my old days at Cheers, only without Lilith. Boy, that's a trip to Bountiful, let me tell ya. [goes into kitchen]
Martin
[quietly, to Daphne] These guys are really getting through the beers, aren't they?
Daphne
Oh, yes. If this keeps up, you may have to fish out that emergency can you keep in the toilet tank.
Frasier
There you are, Woods.
Woody
Well, y'know what, on second thought I think I'm gonna pass. I'm feeling a little bit jet-lagged.
Frasier
Well, all right, you want to call it a night?
Woody
You know, I probably should. But this was so much fun. I'd really like to do it again.
Frasier
Well, all right, how about lunch tomorrow?
Woody
Oh yeah, that sounds great.
Frasier
Okay.
Woody
Hey, goodbye y'all, nice to meet you.
Martin
Oh hey, you too. Come back.
Frasier
You know what, Woody? There's a new gourmet Mexican restaurant over near your hotel I'd love to try. It's called "Dos Burros." It sounds muy delicioso.
Woody
I didn't know you speak Spanish?
Frasier
Ohh, it's nothing.
Woody
I know ahh, "dos" means two, what does "burro" mean?
Frasier
Same as in English, Jackass.
Woody
[leaves] Sorry, just asking.
Martin
Hey guys, how was lunch?
Woody
Oh, great. We told one old story, we told a hundred. [to Eddie] Hey, how you doin', little guy?
Martin
His name's Eddie.
Woody
Hey, good for you, Mr Crane. [to Frasier, confidentially] They have good days, and they have bad days.
Frasier
Woody, here's that Seattle guidebook I was telling you about, right here.
Woody
Oh, thanks.
Frasier
Take a loan of that, huh?
Woody
[looking at picture in book] Wow, look at that view, you can see the whole city.
Frasier
Woody, turn around, it's even better.
Woody
Gosh. You're right, this is better.
Frasier
No, no Woody, look up.
Woody
[finally seeing the panorama outside the window] OHH. [indicating balcony] You mind if I go out there?
Frasier
No, no. You go ahead.
Woody
Remember the time we went out on the balcony of Melville's and threw pudding?
Frasier
[laughing] I don't think I laughed harder in my entire life!
Frasier
Put a bullet in my head.
Martin
What's going on?
Frasier
My God. I have absolutely nothing in common with this man, except things that happened ten years ago.
Martin
But I thought you had a fun time last night.
Frasier
Oh well, yes. We had exactly the same time this afternoon, it wasn't nearly as fun. The same stories, and variations thereof, being forced to laugh over and over. I swear, if I never get another shoulder noogie I will die a happy man.
Martin
Oh, don't feel bad. You've been a good friend and you've shown him a nice time, and now all that's left is for you to go in there and tell him goodbye.
Frasier
Yes, I guess when all this is over I'll have learned a valuable lesson. Sometimes you can have too much of a good thing. You have to know when to say "When." The past is just that, the past. You can never go home again. Less is more.
Martin
Wish you had started with that last one.
Frasier
[goes into lounge area, where Woody is sitting] Well, Woods? It's been great seeing you.
Woody
Oh yeah, hey.
Frasier
C'mon, gimme a good hug, ah? [they hug] Now you gotta promise me you're gonna give my love to everybody back at the bar.
Woody
Oh, I will.
Frasier
Oh, and give that beautiful wife of yours and those two kids a kiss from Uncle Frasier.
Woody
You got it.
Frasier
Now don't be a stranger, okay?
Woody
No, I won't, I won't. [they hug again] So, [sitting down] where are we going for dinner tonight?
Frasier
Niles.
Niles
Frasier. Odd to see you without Woody in tow. He off teasing ferrets?
Frasier
Niles, listen, uh, I've been having such a great time with Woody, I was wondering, y'know, maybe tonight you'd like to join us? We've planned to go out...
Niles
[interrupting] You can save it. Dad brought me up to speed with your reunion of the damned.
Frasier
Oh, God.
Niles
I would love to help, I'm sorry, you're on your own.
Frasier
No, no, no, please, Niles, really, I'm desperate. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to feign interest in the same old stories over and over again?
Niles
And you call yourself a psychiatrist? You wouldn't last a week in private practice.
Frasier
Ooh.
Niles
Speaking of which, my six o'clock is waiting.
Waiter
[handing Niles a coffee carton] Triple espresso to go.
Niles
Thank you. [leaves]
Frasier
Niles? Please? Please, I need you. It's going to be an excruciating journey into... Ohh... [notices Roz is standing beside him] Roz! Hey, you know what, are you up for a night on the town?
Roz
This wouldn't be the invitation that Niles just blew off, would it?
Frasier
Oh, all right! Here, please. [they sit] My old friend Woody is dragging me out again tonight. I could really use a buffer. He's taking me to some God-awful karaoke bar.
Roz
Are you gonna sing?
Frasier
No!
Roz
Okay, I'll go.
Frasier
Really, you will?
Roz
I had a babysitter tonight, my plans fell through, karaoke might be fun.
Gil
Karaoke? Tonight? Oh, I'd love to.
Frasier
Well Gil, I'm not sure you'd enjoy this.
Gil
Oh nonsense. If we're going to the one on Pike, I keep a locker there where I store my own microphone and show jackets.
Noel
Hey, guys. Hi, Roz.
Frasier
Hi, Noel.
Noel
[to Roz] I see you're at... our table.
Gil
"Our table"? Ooh, is there an office romance brewing?
Roz
No, Gil. We're just friends, right Noel?
Noel
[fingers crossed] So far.
Gil
[to Noel] Well, who knows what the night has in store? We're all going for karaoke. Why don't you join us?
Noel
Count me in.
Roz
[panicking] Is that my beeper?
Frasier
[knowing she's about to bail on him] I didn't hear anything.
Roz
Oh my God!
Frasier
Roz!
Roz
It's the babysitter, she only calls in an emergency. I have to go, bye! [she exits, quickly] TAXI!!
Frasier
Roz, wait!
Noel
Roz, wait!
Gil
Well, looks as it's just us boys.
Daphne
Oh, that was beautiful.
Martin
Yeah. You know Niles, that was the first movie I ever took your mother to see. I deliberately picked a tear jerker so I'd be there to comfort her. At the first sniffle, I was on her like an octopus.
Daphne
You men. You always find a way to make us more vulnerable to your clumsy advances. Ooh, that wine went straight to my head.
Niles
[refilling her glass] Let's kill off the bottle, shall we? [he keeps on pouring until it's full to the brim]
Martin
Hey, Fras.
Frasier
Turn off the music.
Martin
Oh. Well, we were just...
Frasier
Dad. I never want to hear music again.
Niles
Oh. I take it you had a whizz-bang time at the karaoke bar?
Frasier
For starters, Woody sang "What Kind Of Fool Am I?" Quickly turned into an audience participation number. Then Gil and Noel did a charming duet with "Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better." They were both wrong. I guess the highlight of the evening was when Gil, after one too many Que Royales, performed a haunting rendition of "I Feel Pretty," during the latter verses of which Noel joined him on the apron of the stage and translated... into Klingon. [he buries his head in his hands] Well, I think I'm just gonna go off to bed so I can get up bright and early for my harbour cruise with Woody tomorrow.
Martin
What?! You're seeing him again? Why don't you tell the guy you're busy for once?
Frasier
Dad, he knows that I'm not. Besides, I'd hate to hurt his feelings, I'd hate to have him think I've outgrown him.
Niles
But you have.
Frasier
Well, that's the problem. I've moved on to bigger and better things in my life, he's still pouring drinks back in the same bar he's been at for the last fifteen years. Don't you think that's kinda sad?
Martin
If I were you I'd just lie to him. Tell him you have to work, or you met a pretty girl.
Daphne
Who's that pretty girl in the mirror there? What mirror, where? Who could that attractive girl be? Which, what, where, who? Who?
Martin
Daphne?
Daphne
Who?
Martin
Daphne?
Daphne
Wh..
Frasier
DAPHNE!!!
Martin
Bedtime.
Daphne
I used to be with a light opera works.
Frasier
Yes, fine, and I used to be a fan dancer! Get out. Go to bed!
Niles
She uh, seems a little wobbly, [moves to follow her] perhaps I should...
Frasier
Niles.
Niles
Ooh, surprise, guess who?
Frasier
Dear God! I just left him. What moonlit berry-picking expedition does he have planned for me now?
Niles
[worried that Woody might hear him] Shhh.
Frasier
I can't take this anymore. All right, all right fine. I'm just going to have to lie to him. [opens door] Woody!
Woody
Hey, Dr Crane. Hey, everybody. Listen, I... when I got back to my hotel I called Kelly to say goodnight, and uh... it turns out our little girl has an ear infection, so I'm taking the Redeye right now and my cab is waiting for me downstairs.
Frasier
[concerned] Oh well, Woody. I guess this means goodbye, then.
Woody
Yeah, I'm afraid so.
Frasier
All right then, give me a hug. You remember to give my love to the folks back at Cheers.
Woody
Oh, will do.
Frasier
Okay. I hope that little girl of yours gets better real soon.
Woody
Thank you. It was great spending time with you.
Frasier
Well, it was great seeing you too, Woody.
Woody
Yeah.
Frasier
It's a shame we have to cut it short.
Woody
It sure is. Well, goodbye. [leaves as the others say farewell]
Frasier
Goodbye, Wood. [closes door] God bless the virus that invaded that little girl's ear canal.
Niles
Congratulations. I'll be off.
Frasier
Oh no. Niles, I'll tell you what, to celebrate my newfound freedom, why don't we go over to that little cantina I mentioned to you earlier, and I'll buy you a late supper? We'll have a margarita.
Niles
Thank you, Frasier.
Frasier
And after that, we'll go by that pricey new cigar club, it's my treat.
Niles
Well hey, big spender.
Frasier
[cringing] Ohh...
Niles
Is everything all right?
Frasier
The last time I heard that phrase, Gil was belting it out while sitting on the lap of a Japanese businessman. Let's get that margarita. [they leave]
Niles
Thank you.
Frasier
I think you'll like this place.
Niles
Well, I do already. N.M.B.
Frasier
N.M.B?
Niles
No Mariachi Band.
Frasier
[seeing a certain someone seated at the bar] Oh dear God. Quick, hide your face with your menu. Woody's over there. If he sees us he'll know I lied.
Niles
When did you lie?
Frasier
I told him I was going out of town.
Niles
No, you didn't. He told you he was going out of town.
Frasier
That's right. He lied. He should be hiding. [calls] Woody? Woody?
Frasier
For God's sake. Stay here. [he goes over to the restroom door only to find it locked] Woody. Come out of there, please.
Woody
[from behind the door] No hablo ingles.
Frasier
I don't understand this.
Woody
It means I don't speak English.
Frasier
Will you just come out here? [Woody comes out] Woody? What is going on?
Woody
I can't even look at you. I'm so ashamed. I... I lied to you, Dr. Crane.
Frasier
Why did you do that?
Woody
Well, I guess I didn't want you to know it was me in the bathroom.
Frasier
No, Woody. Earlier this evening you told me you were going back to Boston.
Woody
Oh, well. I feel terrible saying this but, I just couldn't face another day of us hanging out together.
Frasier
What, you weren't enjoying our time together?
Woody
No, I... I had a great time that first night, but after that, I don't know, you were still having a good time, but ahhh, it was less and less fun for me.
Frasier
[laughing] This is too funny.
Woody
See, you're still having a good time and I'm miserable.
Frasier
Why didn't you say something?
Woody
Well, I don't know, I didn't want to hurt your feelings. To tell you the truth, I felt kinda bad for ya.
Frasier
You felt bad for me?
Woody
Well no offense, but look at your life. You live with your dad, you hang out with your brother, you have no plans. And let's face it, those karaoke friends of yours, I wouldn't want to be stranded on a desert island with them. Well, maybe that English guy, he's a good entertainer.
Frasier
Really Woody, there's nothing to worry about. I know my life may seem rather dreary to you but ah, it's really quite enjoyable. In fact, it's even a lot of fun. I love my life now, honestly. You know what, I wouldn't trade my years at Cheers for anything, but I am very happy with my life the way it is today.
Woody
[incredulous] You mean it?
Frasier
Yes. That's what makes this conversation so ironic. You see, you see my life as some sort of middle-aged compromise and, well just the other day I was thinking about your life. And all I could think was...
Woody
What?
Frasier
How lucky you are. You see, you've found where you belong and you've made your home there. I guess for some of us it just takes longer than others.
Woody
[relaxing] I just stopped in for a beer...
Frasier
Well, you know what, Niles will be on the phone for a couple of more minutes, why don't we have one last drink together, huh?
Woody
That'd be nice.
Frasier
Okay. Barkeep, a couple of beers here, please?
Woody
You know, I meant what I said. I had a great time hanging out with you. That first night.
Frasier
Yeah.
Woody
Maybe we could do it again, in five or ten years.
Frasier
Absolutely. Ten years it is.
Woody
Cheers.
Frasier
Cheers.