Three Valentines
Aired 11th February 1999 · Written by Rob Hanning · Directed by Kelsey Grammer
Niles
Francois. It's Niles Crane. You delivered some champagne earlier for Valentine's Day? Well, you brought over the '88 and I asked for the '85. Yes, my date will know the difference, she happens to be the president of my wine club. Thank you, thank you. Yes, remember, I won't be at home. No, I'm not entertaining at the Shangri-La, my brother was kind enough to let me use his apartment.
Niles
Well, what could I do? I threw a blanket over it. All right. Now, hurry, please, this woman is very particular. [He hangs up and looks at Eddie.] Lucky for you she loves dogs.
Roz
Hello.
Frasier
Roz, it's Frasier. Look, I need your help.
Roz
Well, I don't have much time, I'm on my way out.
Frasier
OK, just answer me this: How do you know if you're on a date?
Roz
Are you alone?
Frasier
Yes.
Roz
Then you're not on a date.
Frasier
Very funny. Listen, I'm at a restaurant, waiting for Cassandra Stone - you know, our new publicity director? She asked me out for dinner, and well, I was very flattered. I mean, I think she's a terrific woman. It's just I'm starting to wonder if this is a business dinner, or more of a romantic date.
Roz
Well, you're going out for dinner on Valentine's Day, sounds like a date to me.
Frasier
Yes, well, she didn't realize it was Valentine's Day until I reminded her. She did say she wanted to go over a new ad campaign.
Roz
Oh, come on, every time I see you two together, she's got her hands all over you.
Frasier
She's always got her hands all over everybody. She's a big flirt.
Roz
That's true. She even flirted with me the first time I met her 'til I took off my baseball cap and parka. Why don't you just ask her if it's a date?
Frasier
Oh, Roz, I can't do that, what if the answer is "No"? For God's sake, it'll be awkward all through dinner. Awkward at work. Imagine how embarrassing it'll be if it gets around the station.
Roz
Well, I guess you're just gonna have to play it by ear. Well, you'll know what she has in mind by the way she dresses, how she acts, how she treats you...
Frasier
Yeah, yeah, I guess you're right.
Roz
[as the doorbell rings] Oh, there's my date.
Frasier
Oh, who are you going out with tonight?
Roz
Oh, Bob. You know, the tax accountant.
Frasier
Isn't he the one who drones on so incessantly you call him "The Cricket"?
Roz
No, I call him "The Cricket" because he rubs his hands together really fast during sex. Bye.
Frasier
Goodbye.
Frasier
Cassandra.
Cassandra
Sorry to keep you waiting.
Frasier
Oh, that's OK. I was just starting to wonder if you'd changed your mind.
Cassandra
What, and pass up dinner with the sexiest man in radio?
Frasier
Oh, well. It's just our plans were so last-minute, I thought maybe I misunderstood.
Frasier
My, things have certainly been clarified, haven't they?
Cassandra
Will you excuse me for a second?
Frasier
Of course.
Frasier
Excuse me. Excuse me. You see that woman over by the coat-check?
Violinist
Yes.
Frasier
She's my dinner companion for the evening and things have taken a turn towards the romantic. I want to make her feel as special as possible. [He gives the violinist some cash.]
Violinist
Then you should have offered to check her coat.
Frasier
Yes, thank you very much! All right, just play something romantic when she gets back.
Mario
Miss Cassandra, so nice to see you again.
Cassandra
You too, Mario. And how's the sexiest Maitre d' in Seattle?
Cassandra
Sorry again for keeping you waiting. I got sucked in at this cocktail party.
Frasier
Oh, you were at a cocktail party.
Cassandra
Some benefit thing. It was very fancy. Obviously, why else would I show up wearing this?
Frasier
Why else indeed.
Cassandra
Oh, they have the best wine list here. Do you feel like sharing a bottle?
Frasier
If you like.
Cassandra
Good thing I took a cab here, I'm a real lightweight. Then again, I'm sure a gentleman like you wouldn't mind escorting me back to my room after dinner, will you?
Frasier
Oh, I think that can be arranged.
Cassandra
I love the food here.
Frasier
What do you recommend?
Cassandra
I'll start with the anchovies and red peppers, and then the garlic chicken with scallions.
Cassandra
Are you in the mood for oysters?
Frasier
Actually, I'm not sure.
Frasier
Well, here we are. Your hotel room. Last stop.
Cassandra
[after a pause] Oh, come on in. [They enter] Oh, thank you so much for this coat.
Frasier
Of course.
Cassandra
Oh, God, I can't believe we got caught in that rainstorm, I'm freezing!
Frasier
Yeah, me too.
Cassandra
[coming close to him and lowering her voice] Oh, I know something we can do to warm up real fast.
Frasier
Yes, all we have to do is...
Cassandra
Have a brandy.
Frasier
Yes! Let's have a brandy!
Cassandra
The mini-bar's over there. I'll be right out.
Frasier
Uh-huh.
Roz
Hello.
Frasier
Roz. It's Frasier.
Roz
Where are you?
Frasier
I'm in Cassandra's hotel room. She invited me up here after dinner. I'm just not sure what it means.
Roz
What it means? What it means is that even a blind pig finds an acorn once in a while.
Frasier
I'm still getting a lot of conflicting signals here. You see, maybe she just invited me up here to talk business. I just wish I could get one clear, unambiguous sign.
Cassandra
Oh, I just had to get out of that dress.
Frasier
Oh, here's your brandy.
Cassandra
I'll just go dry my hair.
Frasier
Roz, I'm back.
Roz
She ditched her dress and she's hitting the sauce. What do you need, runway lights on the mattress?
Frasier
Roz, Roz it's not as clearcut as it seems.
Roz
Look, Frasier, she is way out on a limb here. Do you know how rejected she's gonna feel if you don't make a move? You're gonna blow it forever.
Frasier
You're right. I'm going to take off my jacket.
Roz
Yeah. Go get 'em, cowboy.
Cassandra
[calling out] Frasier? Are you making yourself comfortable?
Frasier
Yes.
Cassandra
If it's OK, I still have some questions about the ad campaign I'd like to ask you.
Frasier
Well, that's why I'm here.
Cassandra
Or if you prefer, we could just talk about it over breakfast tomorrow.
Frasier
Breakfast, you say?
Cassandra
I hope I wasn't being presumptuous. We will be having breakfast tomorrow, won't we?
Frasier
Absolutely.
Cassandra
Great! So who else wil be there?
Frasier
Where?
Cassandra
At the breakfast meeting. The one for the sponsors here at the hotel, tomorrow. You just said you were going, right?
Frasier
The meeting. Of course.
Cassandra
Frasier, what are you doing?
Frasier
Well, I, uh...
Cassandra
I thought you said you were going to make yourself comfortable. Why don't you check the closet? I'm sure you can find somthing to slip into. I'm just going to take my lenses out.
Cassandra
[again calling from the bathroom] You know, I'm really glad I asked you to dinner.
Frasier
[taking off his pants] Gosh, so am I.
Cassandra
You may not believe this, but I almost chickened out at the last minute. It just goes to show it's always better to take the risk. I mean, so you say "No." I'm an adult, what's a little embarrassment?
Frasier
I couldn't agree more.
Cassandra
Did you find the slippers?
Frasier
What?
Cassandra
In the closet.
Cassandra
You stepped in that puddle after dinner, I thought you might want to get out of those wet shoes and socks. It's up to you, I know some people feel funny about taking their shoes off in someone else's room. My gosh, it's really starting to come down out there. You know what I'm thinking?
Frasier
[a pained look on his face] No. I truly don't.
Cassandra
Well, it doesn't make much sense for you to drive home in this weather, especially since you are coming back for breakfast anyway. Why don't you just stay over tonight?
Frasier
[unsure] All right. When you say "Stay over", you mean of course...?
Cassandra
[coming out, now dressed in just a shirt] Stay here.
Frasier
Oh, here. Right. Splendid.
Cassandra
Oh, my God!
Frasier
[jumping up] What? I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Cassandra
I just can't believe it's so late. What are you sorry for?
Frasier
Oh, just for... keeping you up so late.
Cassandra
Oh, that's all right. Aren't you coming to bed?
Frasier
Oh, yes. Coming to bed. Coming to... this bed.
Cassandra
Well, would you mind turning the lights out?
Frasier
Oh, no, no, not at all.
Frasier
You know, Cassandra, I know this may sound like a silly question seeing as how we're... in bed together and… nearly naked, and... I've just been wondering: Is this a romantic date, or... a business thing?
Frasier
Roz, it's Frasier!
Martin
You know, Daph, I'm really impressed with you. A lot of people get all insecure if they don't have a date on Valentine's Day, but not you.
Daphne
Oh, heaven's no. If you think about it, it's just a silly holiday they made up to sell more flowers and candy.
Martin
Right. Well, you take a look at the menu and I'll check your coat.
Daphne
Oh, no need for that. So, what looks good to you?
Martin
[grabbing her coat] The coat-check girl. Gimme your coat.
Maitre d'
Happy Valentine's Day, welcome to Russano's.
Daphne
Thank you.
Maitre d'
The waiter will be by to take your drink order when your husband gets back. [leaves]
Daphne
Oh, he's not my husband. I don't have a... husband.
Martin
[sitting] Wow, I wish there was somethin' else I could check. Besides my blood pressure. Well, I know what I'm in the mood for, a nice big steak. How 'bout you?
Martin
What happened?
Daphne
[sobbing] Well, look around you. Nothing but couples in love. It's never gonna be me. I'm just going to end up a dried-up old maid in a quilted bathrobe with a smelly deaf cat on my lap!
Martin
But I thought you said you were OK with that.
Daphne
What?!
Martin
All right, Daph. Come on, now, come on, now, don't get upset, here, have a drink of water or somethin'.
Daphne
Oh, I'm sorry about this.
Martin
That's OK.
Daphne
I don't know what came over me. I haven't cried like that since, well... [crying again] New Year's Eve.
Martin
Oh, geez, come on, Daph. You're, uh, you know, you're going to find someone.
Daphne
You think so?
Martin
Well, sure. Yeah, you're... you have a lot of very great qualities.
Daphne
Thank you. I'm so sorry about this. I know it makes you uncomfortable to talk about personal things.
Martin
Yeah, well, that's all right. So, you ready to order?
Daphne
Yeah.
Daphne
What kind of qualities?
Martin
Well... you know, you're smart, and nice-looking, and fun to be with. So you gonna go with the soup or salad?
Daphne
You really think I'm nice-looking?
Martin
[flustered] Well, sure, yeah. Where's that guy with the bread?
Daphne
That is so sweet of you.
Martin
Well, don't mention it. Let's just have a nice happy evening.
Daphne
Of course. I'm fine now. [after another short pause] Nice- looking how?
Martin
Oh, geez!
Daphne
Oh, never mind.
Martin
Oh, no it's all right. Well, you know, you're pretty and, uh... tall, and uh... take good care of your hair, you know... You're attractive, what do you want from me?
Daphne
Well, I'm sorry, but I don't here this sort of thing very much lately.
Martin
Well, you're just in a slump, that's all. You ask me, you're a great catch.
Waiter
It's not my place to say so, Miss, but I think your father's right. You're a very attractive woman.
Daphne
Well, how about that? That's a nice little ego boost.
Martin
Yeah.
Daphne
I feel so silly all of a sudden. Getting upset out of nowhere like that. Well, I feel better now. Ready to share a nice big steak?
Martin
[grumpy] Yeah, fine, whatever.
Daphne
What's wrong with you?
Martin
Why did he assume I was your father? I mean, a lot of guys my age go out with women like you. What's he tryin' to say? That I could never attract someone young and pretty?
Daphne
Well, thank you, Mr. Crane.
Martin
Does this all have to be about you?
Daphne
Oh, for heaven's sakes. You're a very attractive man with lots of wonderful qualities.
Martin
Yeah, yeah, I know. All right, let's order.
Martin
Like what?
Daphne
Oh, come on now. You're very charming, and you have a good sense of humor. And you've got lovely eyes. [he laughs modestly] But most of all, you're good company. I enjoy living with you.
Martin
Well, thank you, Daphne. I like living with you, too.
Daphne
Thank you.
Daphne
So why do you like living with me?
Martin
Oh, for God's sake, can't we just agree to cut this out?
Daphne
Oh, all right, all right. You're wonderful, I'm wonderful. You know it's funny when I think about the two of us. I mean, sure, we have our little fights, but for the most part we get along so well together. And when I think about how I enjoy looking after you, and how you always seem to miss me when I've been gone for too long, well it's sort of like you're my...
Martin
[smiling] What?
Daphne
No, it might sound funny to say this...
Martin
No, come on, that's all right, you can say it.
Daphne
All right. Well, it's sort of like you're my pet.
Martin
What?!
Daphne
In a good sense. Like you and Eddie.
Martin
What the hell you talkin' about? You callin' me a dog now?!
Daphne
It's an analogy, for God's sake...