To Tell The Truth

Frasier

Thank you very much.

Frasier

Well, Roz — oh! Baby pictures?

Roz

Actually, these aren't the most flattering.

Frasier

Oh, nonsense. Baby Alice couldn't possibly take a bad picture. [takes them and looks] Oh, well, that's just adorable, the silly little one with the jam all over her face.

Roz

Well, actually that's not jam, Frasier. It's baby eczema.

Frasier

Oh. Well, don't worry about that. That sort of thing is bound to clear up. [looks at next picture] Or spread.

Roz

Just give them back!

Niles

Hello, all.

Frasier

Niles.

Niles

Ooh, baby pictures!

Roz

Oh, I really don't want anyone to look at those!

Niles

[looks anyway] Well, I don't know why not. Botticelli himself couldn't have painted a more perfect angel.

Roz

Thank you, Niles! She is precious, isn't she?

Frasier

Anyway, Niles, uh, how did things go with Maris's lawyers?

Niles

[to waiter] Cappuccino, please. [sits down] Maris is determined to prolong my suffering. She's asked to postpone our court date another eight months.

Frasier

Eight months?!

Niles

Yes, last night I was in such a state I almost wished I had a piano to crawl under.

Roz

What?

Niles

Oh, uh, it's a habit I developed as a child to combat anxiety. There's something about the safe, dark, protective environment that seemed comforting to me.

Frasier

Yes, the week before his first Little League trial, he practically lived under there.

Roz

Well, we all did weird stuff when we were kids.

Frasier

So, Niles, uh, how did your lawyers respond to this postponement request?

Niles

Well, I can tell you they weren't very happy about it! They got on the phone, raised some hell, and got that postponement cut down to... seven months.

Frasier

Niles, are you serious?! Do you think maybe it's time that you consider getting some new lawyers?

Niles

Fire Harrison & Reed? They're the top firm in Seattle.

Frasier

But they're bleeding you dry! Do you realize that they don't mind these postponements at all? You know the longer they draw this thing out, the more money they'll get paid.

Roz

Oh, you know, I have the perfect person for you to call. My old boyfriend, Donny, he's a great lawyer!

Niles

[snorts] No offense, Roz, but I highly doubt that your "Donny" is in the same league with Harrison & Reed.

Roz

Don't be so sure. I mean, he's smart, he's tough, he doesn't take "no" for an answer — not that I ever tested that theory.

Frasier

Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute, are we talking about Donny Douglas?

Roz

Yes!

Frasier

Oh my God, Niles, I've read about this guy! He's the one they call "the Piranha," right?

Roz

Yes, but that's partly because he has this night-grinding problem that makes his teeth really sharp and tiny.

Frasier

Yes, well, anyway, Niles, I mean this guy just won a huge case. He might be just who you need.

Niles

I appreciate your concern, but really my situation is not as dire as you're making it out to be.

Roz

What's that smell?

Niles

What smell?

Roz

The one coming out of your briefcase.

Niles

Oh, I don't smell anything—

Frasier

My God, is this your lunch? [pulls out] A baloney sandwich? [pulls out] And a fruit cocktail?! Oh, Niles. You see what these lawyers have reduced you to? Do you have any idea what they're having for lunch?

Niles

I don't know. They don't itemize, they just bill me for the total.

Maria

Donny should be here any minute. Make yourselves comfortable.

Niles

Thank you.

Frasier

Thank you.

Niles

Frasier, you really don't have to stay.

Frasier

Well, I didn't have to come at all. But if I hadn't, you never would have. Well, the office seems nice enough. Might have overdone it on the plants a little.

Niles

Yes, it's excess like this that's destroying the plastic rainforest.

Frasier

[warning] Niles...

Niles

Oh, University of Las Vegas! No problem finding tassels for those mortar boards.

Frasier

Will you stop being such a snob? Give this man a chance, for God's sake. And please, will you have a mint? I'm halfway across the room, all I can smell is baloney!

Donny

Whoa! Hey, how you doing? Donny Douglas. How are ya, who's who?

Frasier

Mr. Douglas, I'm Frasier Crane—

Donny

[shaking hands] You're Frasier Crane—

Frasier

This is Niles Crane.

Donny

[shaking Niles's] Oh, you're Niles Crane. Frasier Crane? You're Roz's buddy, aren't you?

Frasier

Yes, yes.

Donny

Oh, you got to do me a favor, O.K.? Tell Roz, finally I had my teeth capped. See?

Frasier

Oh yes, well, I'll tell her.

Donny

Promise you won't forget?

Frasier

Oh, not much danger of that.

Donny

OK. Now I got to be in court in about, uh, twenty minutes, so sit down, let's get started.

Niles

Well, as we discussed on the phone—

Donny

Maria, I need my gray suit for court! [to Niles] Come on, come on, come on!

Niles

Well, Maris is determined to exhaust my already-strained financial resources, and the real injustice—

Donny

Yeah, and Maria, could you just cancel that four o'clock of mine? [takes off his socks and tosses them in the corner] And can you also put Joe Silva on my call sheet? [to Niles] I'm listening, I'm listening, come on, come on, come on!

Niles

Yeah, well, Maris has no right to be angry with me—

Donny

Maria! You're the best, thank you so much, cool. [to Niles] What, what? Come on, come on, let's go! What?

Niles

Uh... I'm sorry, I forgot what I was saying.

Donny

Oh, don't worry, Maria has that effect on men all the time.

Frasier

Niles, I think you were about to tell Mr. Douglas about Dr. Schenkman.

Niles

Right. Well, uh, last year Maris and I were actually making progress in couples' therapy, when to my dismay I discovered that she and our therapist were—

Donny

[mouth full] Oh, my God.

Niles

That's right, they were—

Donny

This is the best corned beef I have ever tasted. You've got to have a bite of this. Here. Come on, it's got spicy mustard!

Niles

No, thanks.

Donny

How about you?

Frasier

Sorry, mustard allergy.

Niles

Mr. Douglas, maybe we'll come back when you have more time.

Donny

No, no, uh-uh! I got the gist. Your wife was doing your shrink, and now she's trying to bleed you with a long pre- trial. I get it. Who's her lawyer?

Niles

Lockhart & Whalen.

Donny

Maria, get me Lockhart! Or Whalen.

Niles

Wait, wait, wait, you're calling them?

Donny

Yeah. Listen, could we just cut through the formalities here?

Niles

Uh, OK.

Donny

Niles, what you need is a guy like me representing you. What you're in here is a street fight, and you got to know who's covering your back. So, what I guarantee you is this:

Donny

You will never see me unprepared, you will never see me intimidated, and you will never, ever see me throw in the towel! You understand?

Frasier

Let's certainly hope not.

Maria

[o.s.] I've got Geoff Whalen on Line One!

Donny

OK, thank you!

Niles

[to Frasier] May I have a word with you?

Frasier

Yes.

Donny

Whalen! Donny Douglas here, I'm calling about Niles Crane. Yeah...

Niles

I can't possibly let this man represent me. I'll be humiliated!

Frasier

Niles, you have got to hear this man out. I'm sorry, this is exactly what you want in a lawyer, someone who's not afraid to show a little moxie!

Niles

Oh, he's an inch away from showing us the Full Moxie!

Donny

...facing a counter-suit for deliberate infliction of pain and emotional distress. What, you don't think I can win? You call York & McFaddon. You see what those bastards had to pay for trying to pull this same crap on a client of mine!

Donny

Yeah, we're talking big numbers here, Whalen! You haven't seen so many zeroes lined up since Mr. Spock had a book signing! [covers the microphone] You got to hear this, come here, come here!

Whalen

[v.o.] Well, yes, of course it's important to be reasonable.

Whalen

Um, I'm sure we can move a few things around and be ready for court by... next month?

Whalen

Mr. Douglas?

Donny

Yeah?

Whalen

Does this mean you're now representing Niles Crane?

Donny

That's exactly what that means. And Whalen, I'll be in touch about a discovery schedule. [sarcastic] Have a nice day!

Niles

Mr. Douglas, that was brilliant.

Frasier

Yes. My goodness, almost makes me wish I was still married to Lilith!

Donny

Now they're probably going to get rolling sometime this week with depositions. So, you know, pick a day, we'll get together, I will prepare you! But it's going to be very low-key, very casual, you know, over dinner, something like that.

Maria

You're due in court in ten minutes.

Donny

O.K.

Maria

And Donny?

Donny

Yeah?

Maria

[points to her cheek] Mustard.

Donny

[laughs] Oh, oh, jeez, was that there the whole time? [Frasier and Niles shrug] That's so embarrassing!

Frasier

And indeed, I had high hopes for Niles and Maris, as is witnessed by my wedding toast, in which I combined my heartfelt sentiments with apt quotations from Shakespeare, jazz great Louis Armstrong, and the poet Catullus.

Donny

[sarcastic] And so your answer would be, "Yes, I attended their wedding." Once again, Frasier, could you try to keep your answers brief?

Frasier

Well, I—

Martin

Trust me, he did.

Frasier

All right, all right. Look, I'll try to do better.

Martin

I still don't understand why they're deposing Frasier before Niles.

Donny

Oh, they like to question friends and family first so they can get as much "information" as they can to try and catch Niles out in a lie. Now, look, they're also going to allege that during the separation, Niles was wasteful with money.

Niles

Wha...? She's calling ME wasteful?!

Donny

Mmm-hmm.

Niles

Do you recall what she used to do when one of our dogs needed a shampoo?

Frasier

Yes, she'd fill the bathtub with Evian!

Niles

Half the time she'd just get a new dog!

Donny

Anyway, look, Frasier, they might ask you if you witnessed any examples of Niles throwing money around, and your answer would be...

Frasier

[pauses, then] Yes.

Donny

[exasperated] No, no, no! The answer is, "not to the best of my recollection!"

Frasier

But I do recall! And I'll be under oath!

Donny

Oh, please, not this again.

Niles

As you've probably figured out, Frasier is a bit of a stickler when it comes to his ethics, and frankly I applaud him for it.

Donny

Oh, great.

Daphne

More coffee, anyone?

Donny

No, thank you, Daphne. I think I'm just about done here. In fact, I've got a conference call back at the office. I'm just going to check to see if that's still happening. Frasier, why don't you see if there's any more questions in there we haven't done yet, all right?

Frasier

All right, uh... [looks through list] We've done those... Oh, here's one. [reads] "Can you recall a specific incident when Maris lost her temper or behaved in a way you'd characterize as volatile or unstable?"

Donny

[into phone] You're kidding! No, really, well, based on what? Oh, please.

Niles

Something wrong?

Donny

No, it's OK. [into phone] Yeah, no, thank you, thank you, Maria, no. [hangs up] Maris's lawyers, they kill me. I mean, all week long it's been one desperate ploy after another. This one, this is the best one yet! [laughs]

Frasier

Well, what is it?

Donny

Oh, now they're claiming "alienation of affection."

Martin

You're kidding me! After what she did?

Donny

Yeah, believe it or not, now they're saying that during the marriage, Niles was in love with another woman.

Daphne

Who?

Donny

[casual] Oh, you.

Daphne

Me?!

Niles

[half happy, half surprised] Dear God!

Daphne

That's absurd! [to Frasier] Have you ever heard anything so ridiculous?

Frasier

Well... not to the best of my recollection.

Daphne

Why on earth would they think Dr. Crane's in love with me?

Donny

Oh, something about a country club ball the two of you attended a few years back.

Niles

This is all based on that?

Donny

Yeah. You caused quite a stir on the dance floor, or something?

Daphne

Yeah, we were just putting on a show for his snobby friends.

Donny

You must have been very convincing, because they're going to subpoena you for deposition. Now, look, you know, we can just call their bluff right away. You can come tomorrow morning with Frasier.

Daphne

Fine by me.

Donny

OK, great. Now listen, Daphne, I'm gonna have to prepare you for this, 'cause lawyers, they can twist your words around. They get a judge to buy it, because of the pre-nup, Maris can really stick it to Niles. But I've got this conference call at the office—

Daphne

I could come with you.

Donny

Oh, great! We'll get it done in about an hour.

Daphne

Just let me grab my coat. Don't you worry, Dr. Crane!

Donny

Now, Frasier, I hope you realize they are going to ask you about this business too.

Frasier

Me?

Donny

Yes, but don't worry. This is one time when your compulsive truth-telling won't get us into any trouble. Bye.

Martin

Bye.

Niles

Well, that's it. It's over. It's over and I've lost. Maris has won. Maris always wins.

Martin

Niles—

Niles

Niles never wins! Niles always loses! That's why Niles lives at the "Shangri-La" and drives a hatchback!

Martin

Niles, now get a grip! Maris's people are just fishing. We're the only one's who know how you feel about Daphne.

Niles

Today! Tomorrow, everyone will know, including Daphne. And this is how she's going to find out. I wanted to whisper it to her over a candlelight dinner, not have it read back to her by a court stenographer!

Martin

What are you talking about? Frasier's not going to tell!

Niles

He's gonna be under oath! What if they ask him point blank?

Martin

Well, he'll just say no. Right, Fras?

Martin

[worried] Fras?

Frasier

Well, it's not that simple! You heard what he said, I'll be under oath.

Niles

Oh my God. I can't breathe. I can't breathe!

Frasier

Niles, here! Put your head between your legs! I'll get you some water!

Martin

Niles, you'll be all right. Just take a couple of deep breaths.

Niles

If I could take deep breaths it would mean I could breathe!

Martin

You're really not going to go down there tomorrow and blow it for him, are you?

Frasier

Dad, there is nothing more I'd like to do than to help my brother. But I would like to find a way to do it without violating my ethics!

Martin

But Maris is responsible for this divorce! Niles's feelings for Daphne has nothing to do with it! Now, if you cover for Niles you won't be doing anything wrong.

Frasier

Dad, we are talking about perjury! When is that ever acceptable?

Martin

Oh, you want an example? Fine! Let's say, uh, what if there was a comet hurtling towards the earth—

Frasier

Oh, for God's sake!

Martin

And you were the only person who could save the earth, but the only way to do it is by lying under oath. Would you do it then?

Frasier

Who am I lying to, the comet?

Martin

Oh, just answer the question!

Frasier

All right, I suppose in certain extreme cases—

Martin

So, then you'd lie?

Frasier

To save mankind from a talking comet, yes!

Martin

But you won't lie for Niles.

Frasier

Oh, for God's sake, you make me sound like some sort of insensitive lout who's not aware that his brother's out there in pain! [takes a sip from the glass]

Martin

Isn't that Niles's water?

Frasier

I'm just checking to see it's not too cold!

Frasier

Niles? Niles?

Niles

I'm over here.

Frasier

The piano, Niles! Please, please, just come out from under there. Things are not that bad.

Niles

Not that bad? Daphne is going to find out about this!

Martin

Not if you crawl out before she gets home.

Frasier

Niles, please, come out here. Now, come on.

Niles

Why should I? There's nothing for me out there. It's all lawyers and ex-wives and broken hearts. All I have to contend with under here is a couple of dust bunnies... some cobwebs... some kind of a nest. Dear God, doesn't your vacuum come with any attachments?

Martin

Oh, all right. Just sit tight and I'll get you a wet cloth. [to Frasier] Well, look what you've done, I hope you're happy now!

Frasier

Well, do you really want to see me lying under oath?!

Martin

Well, it's better than seeing your brother lying under a piano!

Frasier

You know, I can't believe you're being so casual about this! Do you realize you're asking me to do something completely unethical?!

Martin

Oh, for God's sake, nobody's even going to know!

Frasier

Yes, but that's the point! Ethics are what we do when no one else is looking! For heaven's sake, I learned that from you! Are you saying you wouldn't have any trouble with this?

Martin

Niles? Here. [throws him the cloth]

Niles

Thank you.

Martin

[to Frasier] Let me tell you something. One time when I was on the force, I saw a guy shoot somebody. When we caught him, I started to read him his rights, but he slipped out of his cuffs and he swung at me so I didn't get a chance to finish. Two months later, I'm on the stand, and his lawyer asks me if I'd read his rights in full. Now, if I say no this guy walks, and this guy has been in and out of jail all his life, he could have read ME his rights! So I say, "yes, I did. I read them in full." I lied under oath. Now you might think that I did an unethical thing but there's not a doubt in my mind that I did the right thing.

Frasier

[after a pause] Well, Dad, I'm still not sure what I'm going to do.

Martin

Why do you have to make everything so complicated?!

Frasier

I don't know! I just know that I'm never going to figure out anything with you barking in my ear! [gets his coat]

Martin

Well, where are you going?

Frasier

To get some air!

Martin

Oh, yeah, yeah, run away, just like you always do! [to Niles] Boy, I sometimes don't understand your brother. I guess some of us can deal with a tough situation head on, and others just need an escape.

Maria

Dr. Crane? They'll be ready for you in just a few minutes.

Frasier

Thank you.

Niles

Frasier. Have you, uh—?

Frasier

Niles — no, not yet. Daphne's still in the conference room. The place is slithering with Maris's lawyers.

Niles

Never a mongoose around when you need one. [Frasier chuckles] Listen, Frasier, I'm sorry I ever put you in this position.

Frasier

Niles, it's not your fault.

Niles

Now listen, I thought a lot about this last night, and I realize the way I was carrying on yesterday was just making it harder for you to do whatever you feel is the right thing.

Frasier

Well, honestly I'm still not really sure what the right thing is.

Niles

Well, if it makes any difference, I've decided to tell Donny everything about Daphne.

Frasier

Really?

Niles

Yes, then he can proceed however he sees fit.

Frasier

But, why, Niles?

Niles

Well, I started to wonder, maybe my feelings for Daphne did affect my marriage. Maybe on some intuitive level Maris knew all along. I can't be certain that that's not what drove her to Schenkman.

Frasier

[firmly] Listen to me: the only reason that marriage lasted as long as it did was because of the effort that YOU put into it. From the moment that you slipped that ring onto her bony little finger and it slipped right off again! There is no way that this divorce is your fault.

Niles

I wish I could be sure of that.

Donny

OK, Frasier — oh, Niles! OK, good. Frasier, they're just about ready for you. Wait for me outside the conference room, will you? And DON'T go in without me. I want a word alone with your brother here.

Frasier

Right. Uh, I wish there was something I could do, Niles.

Niles

Well, there is. When you go home this afternoon, leave a bottle of sherry under the piano.

Donny

WAIT for me. [Frasier nods and leaves] Right, Niles, I'm really glad you're here, there's something I really want to talk to you about.

Niles

Yes, I need to talk to you too—

Donny

No, me first. Now, the only way this relationship is going to work, Niles, is if we're completely honest with each other.

Niles

I agree.

Donny

Well, I've been doing a little digging. I've been finding out you've been holding out on me.

Niles

And I'm very sorry about that—

Donny

Well, why didn't you tell me that's where Maris's money came from?

Niles

It's never easy... Maris's money?

Donny

Yeah, I mean you told me that Maris's family money came from "timber?"

Niles

It did. It did come from timber.

Donny

Oh, that's what you really think.

Niles

Well, of course. It's true.

Donny

And that's what all of Maris's friends think too? All those country club snobs who would kill for a good piece of dirt on someone?

Niles

Well, what are you talking about? If her family money didn't come from timber, where did it come from?

Niles

Urinal cakes?

Niles

I don't believe this! All these years, the doyenne of Seattle's elite looking down her nose at everyone in sight, she owes it all to this. She's managed to have her urinal cake and eat it too!

Donny

Yes, I think we now have what's known in the legal profession as a bargaining chip!

Niles

Oh, are you kidding? She'd give anything to keep this quiet!

Donny

[gets up] All right, let me go talk to Maris's lawyers.

Niles

No, no, no! There's some news you'd like to deliver yourself. [picks up the phone] May I?

Donny

Absolutely.

Niles

Hello, Marta, I'd like to speak to Maris. Oh, why not? Ah. [to Donny] She's in the final level of her guru serenity training, the week-long vow of silence: day six! [Donny rolls his eyes; into phone] No, no, Marta, that's all right. She doesn't have to come to the phone. Just give her this message: I've flushed out her family secret. [Donny punches the air; Maris rushes to the phone] Helloooooo, Maris!

Niles

I can't remember the last time I felt this way! The air is sweeter and colors are brighter! It's as if my very senses have come alive!

Frasier

It makes perfect sense, Niles. You've just won your life back.

Niles

Oh, wait, Frasier, watch this! [stops a passing waiter] Excuse me? Today's special blend... [sniffs the air] Jamaican Blue Mountain.

Waiter

Yes, it is.

Frasier

Niles, that's very good, that's my favorite! Well done.

Niles

Beans were gathered on the shady side of the northern slope...

Frasier

Don't push it.

Niles

I still can't believe this is all over. And I never dreamed I'd get a settlement like that! I'll be able to get my whole life back — my apartment, my car! And I owe it all to one amazing man.

Frasier

Well, thank you, Niles, but I can't take all the credit. [laughs] I know, you're thinking of Donny.

Niles

Well, don't think I'm not grateful for all you did.

Frasier

You know, actually, to tell the truth, if it hadn't been for me badgering you to change your lawyers, Donny Douglas never would have come into your life.

Frasier

Of course, we mustn't forget Roz's part in all of this.

Niles

Waiter! [to Frasier] Who understands why anything happens? I mean, it's remarkable how completely one's life can change in an instant—

Frasier

Oh, Niles...

Niles

Hi, you two.

Daphne

Donny

[noticing him] Oh, hello!/Hi.

Daphne

Congratulations, Dr. Crane. I'm so happy for you.

Niles

Thank you, Daphne.

Frasier

Well, what are you two doing here together?

Donny

Oh well, you know, we talked—

Daphne

Oh well, after we worked on the deposition—

Donny

We got a little hungry—

Daphne

He took me out to dinner—

Donny

Too much wine—

Daphne

And we talked—

Donny

And we laughed a little—

Daphne

[laughs] Look at us, we sound like an old married couple!

Donny

I know. You know, Frasier, if you hadn't brought Niles to the office, then, ah, none of this would have happened. I guess I owe you one.

Frasier

Well, we mustn't forget Roz's part in all this!

Donny

That scent is wonderful. What is it?

Niles

[to himself; wonderfully acted by DHP, simple in a sad sort of way] Cherry bark and almonds.