Decoys
Aired 25th February 1999 · Written by David Lloyd · Directed by Pamela Fryman
Martin
Oh, hey! How was your afternoon?
Daphne
Do you know what this wonderful man did?
Donny
[modest] Oh Daphne, please don't...
Daphne
[shushes him, then] He filled a basket full of my favorite English foods: blood pudding, jellied eels, kidney pie. And then he hid it in the shrub so we'd stumble upon it during our stroll through the park.
Donny
I was only a little afraid that somebody would find it before we got there, but fortunately - [off basket] untouched.
Frasier
Yes, well just because it was untouched doesn't mean someone didn't find it.
Daphne
Hello, Dr. Crane.
Niles
[happily] Hello, Daphne. [much less enthusiastic] Donny.
Donny
Hey, Tiger. Look what I've got for you. Think fast.
Niles
What are the keys to?
Donny
Your ex-wife's lakefront cottage, now YOUR lakefront cottage. A little something I hammered out for you in the settlement.
Niles
Thank you, Donny! I never thought I'd see "Shady Glen" again.
Frasier
Well, congratulations, Niles.
Martin
Yeah, looks like Donny really did a job on Maris's legal team!
Niles
Yes, well he certainly is ruthless all right. [in Daphne's earshot] As a divorce lawyer, what a callous attitude he must have towards human relationships.
Daphne
Yeah, you'd think so, Dr. Crane, but actually he's just the opposite. I've never met anyone so incredibly romantic. [leaves to her room]
Niles
[shouting] Yes, well I'm sure he seems that way on the OUTSIDE...
Frasier
[sternly] Niles! Please, stop what you're doing. It's unseemly enough when she's actually in the room!
Niles
Oh, I'm sorry, what am I supposed to do? For the first time since I've known her I'm free and single and now she's with someone. Am I supposed to just suffer in silence?
Martin
I'd take that!
Niles
I just don't understand, what does she see in him? [to Frasier] If you were Daphne, would you go out with Donny?
Frasier
Well no, but I wouldn't massage Dad's ass for what I pay her either!
Frasier
Look, I'm sorry, Niles, it's just that Donny and Daphne seem very happy together. Now either it's true love, in which case it's too late for you to declare yourself, or it's just a temporary infatuation-
Niles
[jumping with hope] It's got to be! It's got to be!
Frasier
...In which case it will pass, and then you can make your move! And in the mean time I suggest that maybe you start looking elsewhere. You know, maybe make a fresh start, do something to get your mind off of Daphne.
Niles
I know, I know, it's just difficult.
Frasier
Yes, I understand that... say, you know what, I've got an idea. Why don't the three of us go up to that new cabin of yours for the weekend?
Martin
Oh sorry, I can't. I've got a dentist appointment Saturday morning.
Frasier
Well, that's all right, Dad. Niles can go up on Friday night, put things together, and then you and I can drive up on Saturday afternoon.
Niles
[excited] Why not? It's a fabulous place, Dad. It's got a stereo and a big screen TV, and a sauna, wine cellar...
Frasier
[laughs] Perfect for three guys roughing it in the wilderness!
Martin
Well, I'm game.
Frasier
You know what? I can stop at the butcher, I'll pick up a couple of ducks and make my justly celebrated duck a l'orange.
Niles
Washed down with a winsome yet robust Chambertin?
Frasier
Chambertin!
Martin
Yeah, and I'll bring a quart of whiskey in case of snakebite.
Niles
Dad, Dad, there are no snakes up there.
Martin
[feeling happy] All right, I'll bring a snake! [leaves to his room]
Frasier
God, this is great, Niles! You know what, I've got to dash down to the mailbox to drop that letter in before the last pickup. Niles, trust me, you'll be glad you took my advice on this one.
Niles
I already am, thank you, Frasier. It's going to do me a world of good to get away from Daphne for a while.
Frasier
Yes, I couldn't agree more.
Niles
Hey Daphne, how'd you like to see my new lakefront cottage?
Daphne
Sounds lovely, when?
Niles
This weekend. We're all going. You can drive up with me on Friday, and Dad and Frasier will be... right behind.
Daphne
Well, that's very sweet, Dr. Crane, but I can't. One of my cousins is going to San Francisco this weekend and I promised I'd fly down.
Niles
That's a shame.
Daphne
Yeah, Donny's not too thrilled about it either. He wanted to come with me.
Niles
And he's not?
Daphne
No. That would have meant staying in a hotel together, and I'm not sure we're ready for that yet. I suppose you think I'm being a bit old-fashioned.
Niles
[ecstatic from the news] Dear God in heaven, no!
Daphne
You can't force these things, you have to wait for the moment when you know it's right.
Niles
[hopeful] Yes, and sometimes the moment never comes and you just have to move on.
Daphne
But I really appreciate the invitation and I'll hope you'll invite me again.
Niles
[joking] All right. Daphne, how'd you like to see my new lakefront cottage?
Daphne
Silly!
Roz
Martin, Niles! Boy, this place is jammed.
Martin
Oh hey, Roz. [stands up and hands seat over] You can have my seat, I'm on my way to Duke's. Yeah so, how's the world treating you?
Roz
Like dirt! My social life is nonexistent. Every time I meet a guy who's halfway decent all I have to do is mention I've got a kid and he runs like a cheap pair of pantyhose.
Martin
Oh-ho... well, maybe you and Niles can cheer each other up.
Niles
[nervous] Dad...
Roz
Why, what's his problem?
Martin
Oh, Daphne's got a new boyfriend and it's eating him up.
Niles
Dad!
Roz
What? [to Niles] You've got a thing for Daphne?
Martin
What, you didn't know that after all these years?
Roz
No! I can't believe Daphne never told me.
Martin
Well, how could she? She doesn't know either.
Roz
You're kidding! [they laugh]
Niles
Yes, yes, he's a great kidder. Now, you Dad, run along, and you be very careful crossing streets!
Martin
[to Roz] Six years, can you believe it? Some people just don't even know when it's time to pull the plug. [leaves]
Niles
[shouting after him] Well, I won't make that mistake twice!
Roz
So let me get this straight...
Niles
[moaning] Oh...
Roz
You've been hot for Daphne all this time and you never made a move?
Niles
I was a happily married man.
Roz
You were never happy and you've been separated for almost two years!
Niles
Well... somehow the right moment never came along.
Roz
Oh, come on. I-I'm not trying to make you feel bad, it's just... waiting all this time and now she's got a boyfriend? [chuckles] My God, that is really pathetic! [laughs]
Niles
Obviously you've never let someone you've grown to care deeply about get away.
Roz
Well, sure I have.
Niles
I'm not talking about when the migrant workers leave at the end of the picking season.
Roz
[gives him a "very nice" look, then] No really, I've had a couple of boyfriends I shouldn't have let get away.
Niles
Serious relationships?
Roz
Yeah. In fact, I can name one right off the top of my head: that lawyer I gave you, Donny?
Niles
Really?
Roz
Yeah. I mean, you only know him professionally, but he's very funny, warm, thoughtful. [smiling] We were together for about six months, but he really wanted a family and I wasn't ready, so I dumped him. Now I have a family but no Donny. Gee, I wonder who he's seeing these days?
Roz
What's so funny?
Niles
I'll tell you in a minute. [laughing] I just want to savor it, you've been having all the fun!
Roz
So tell me! [laughs with him]
Niles
Donny's Daphne's boyfriend.
Roz
[stops laughing] That's not funny! When did this happen?
Niles
Well, she met him when he was working on my case.
Roz
[sighs] Wow, and I was calling you a loser.
Niles
You never called me a loser.
Roz
In my head I did!
Niles
Well, at the moment I have to agree with you. I've had plenty of opportunities and I've always chickened out.
Roz
Oh, don't blame yourself. She's living with your brother, working for your dad - it's an awkward situation.
Niles
It is! Well... don't feel bad about Donny. It wasn't right for you at the time, that's nobody's fault.
Roz
Thanks, Niles. Hey listen, the next time you find somebody you like, don't wait so long to tell her. [looks at watch and gets up] Oh, I've got a babysitter waiting. Mrs. Hines is seventy years old and has a mole like Abe Lincoln but I bet SHE has plans for the weekend!
Niles
You know what, I just had the craziest idea. My settlement with Maris includes a beautiful lakefront cottage and I'm going up there this afternoon. Why don't you come along? You can bring Alice.
Roz
[sits back down] Are you serious?
Niles
Well, Frasier and Dad are coming up tomorrow, but tonight it'd just be us: Love's losers licking our wounds, laughing at our pain.
Roz
Gee, I don't know..
Niles
Well, Frasier's making duck a L'orange and I'm bringing the wine. What about it?
Roz
[surprised] Well, I never thought I'd say this, but: you're on.
Niles
[excited] Oh, in a funny way this reminds me of that wonderful moment in "A Streetcar Named Desire" when the brutish Stanley says to the ultra-refined Blanche, "We've had this date with each other from the beginning."
Roz
Well, I don't know the play all that well, but I can tell you right now I'm not all that refined.
Niles
No, actually I was picturing you more as Stanley.
Donny
Hi, there.
Niles
Donny! I'm so glad you could make it.
Donny
Well, thanks for inviting me. [looks around] Wow, this is a great place to get some work done, with no distractions in sight. Thank-
Niles
Donny, I'd like to introduce... [mock remembering] Oh, that's right, you two know each other, don't you?
Donny
Roz! How the hell are you? Hi!
Roz
[surprised] Donny! [he kisses her cheek]
Donny
I didn't know you were going to be here. Well, this is going to be fun. Now, Niles, I've got to put these things somewhere...
Roz
I didn't know you'd be here.
Niles
Oh yeah, just in one of the bedrooms upstairs. [Donny heads up] Oh, but be careful not to wake Roz's baby. She's in that first room.
Donny
Roz, you've got a baby? [she nods] Congratulations! That means that you're...
Niles
Married? No, she's free as a bird!
Donny
Well, I'll try to be quiet.
Roz
What the hell is this?
Niles
What do you mean? I just thought you two might enjoy reminiscing about all the good times you've shared...
Roz
Oh, no you don't! Donny is seeing Daphne and I am not the kind who steals other people's boyfriends! Not friends' boyfriends... not good friends'... [sitting down distraught] Not again!
Niles
Roz, you might recall you went out with him for six months. She's only seen him three or four times, they're not even sleeping together.
Roz
What? How would you know?
Niles
She told me. I don't want to be the bad guy here, but you did have him first and he did want to make a life with you.
Roz
[thinks about it, then] Listen, there is no way that I am going... She hasn't slept with him?
Niles
She's English.
Roz
[thinks about it more, then] Why don't you just admit it? You're just doing this because you want Daphne.
Niles
Yes! Yes! Yes, I want Daphne - I think we belong together, just like I think you and Donny belong together, and why should two people be happy when four people can be ecstatic?
Roz
Well, you got a point there! [then] No! No, no, no, it's just not right!
Donny
Roz, I swear I did not wake her, she was already up when I went in to look at her. [mushy] She's got such a sweet little face.
Roz
Her name is Alice.
Donny
Hi Alice, I'm Donny.
Roz
She doesn't usually let strangers hold her.
Donny
Oh, I've always been pretty good with kids. [to Alice] Come on, sweetie, come on. [exits to bedroom]
Roz
[to Niles] How's my hair?
Frasier
Niles!
Niles
Aah! [jumps up startled] Frasier? Dad? What are you doing here today?
Martin
Oh, my dentist is sick, we had to reschedule.
Niles
Oh, no!
Martin
Oh, it's just a head cold.
Frasier
Oh God, you haven't even heard the worst yet, Niles: the butcher shop was closed, so here I am with all my spices, everything I need to make my duck a l'orange - all I've got's the l'orange!
Martin
Well, looks like we're going to have get our ducks the old- fashioned way! But we better get a move on, there's only a couple hours of daylight left.
Niles
Yes, you know, I saw some boxs of ammo in the mud room, Dad, through the kitchen.
Frasier
Are you insane?! I'm not going to shoot any ducks, it's barbaric!
Martin
Oh, I get it! You'll eat them but you won't kill them. What do you think, these things are born "a l'orange?"
Niles
[laughs] Dad does have a point. You know, there is a duck blind right across the lake, and it would be such a good opportunity for you two to bond.
Frasier
Niles, what about you?
Niles
[takes his bag] Well, I will stay here and season the pans.
Frasier
Well, I'm not going hunting!
Niles
Well then you'll just have to drive back to Seattle, find another shop that's open, and come back tomorrow as scheduled!
Frasier
What the hell is going on? Are you trying to get rid of us?
Niles
Oh, that's preposterous, why should I be trying to...
Roz
Frasier! Martin! You weren't supposed to be here until tomorrow.
Martin
Roz, what are you doing here?
Roz
Niles brought me. I'm just going to go heat up a bottle for Alice.
Frasier
Roz?
Niles
Roz? [realizing] Roz. Yes, so why don't you two run along and leave me alone with... [surprised at himself] Roz.
Frasier
Roz?!
Niles
Well, didn't you urge me to make a fresh start?
Frasier
True, but I gotta tell you Niles, Roz isn't the freshest start you could make!
Martin
Now butt out, Frasier, if these two want to be alone together for a while, that's fine. Now we're going to go hunting, now come on.
Frasier
I'm not going hunting, Dad! Roz and Niles?! Please! You guys have nothing in common!
Niles
[hands Martin a shotgun] Frasier, we're not getting married. We're going to spend an afternoon together and-and see what comes from it, and... there's nothing wrong with trying something different!
Martin
[hands Frasier the shotgun] Which is exactly what you're going to do right now! So come on, let's go get some ducks.
Frasier
Dad...
Niles
[hands Martin another shotgun and two hunting vests] And please, take as long as you need.
Frasier
I don't want to go hunting!
Martin
Now, come on! Didn't you ever hear the expression, "Two's company, Three's a crowd"?
Frasier
No Dad, I don't think I ever did, how does it go?!
Donny
I left some papers in the car.
Niles
[stops him] Oh, where'd you park?
Donny
Out back!
Niles
Ah, then it's best to go through the kitchen because we have a loose plank on the porch.
Donny
I already came in that way.
Niles
Yeah, well you cheated death once, don't push your luck!
Frasier
Niles, one last warning. Take it from someone who knows you both: you and Roz are not a good couple.
Niles
I understand you're saying that, but believe me, I have seen a new Roz today and underneath that brazen exterior she is a sweet, sensitive, shy, and vulnerable woman.
Roz
[calling from kitchen] Niles, have you seen my nipples?!
Niles
Uh, no.
Frasier
Niles and Roz? It's just ridiculous!
Martin
Oh, not this again!
Frasier
Well, they are just completely incompatible.
Martin
Well, haven't you ever heard about "opposites attracting"? I mean, look at your mother and me. We went together for six months, nobody thought it would last, we had forty happy years together!
Frasier
Never thought of it that way.
Martin
Yeah. And then, there are those relationships where people have a ton of things in common and of course they always work out real well! [laughs]
Frasier
Thank you, Dad, I suppose that was a backhanded comment about me and Lilith.
Martin
[sighting gun] Wouldn't it be great if she was flying by here on her broomstick right now? [they laugh] Come on, sight up.
Frasier
No, no, Dad, I told you I'm not shooting anything.
Martin
Alright, blow the duck call.
Frasier
Well, all right. [blows duck call twice] Gee, you know, I keep thinking about you and Mom; maybe Niles and Roz do have a chance.
Martin
Sure they do. Blow it again.
Frasier
[blows duck call twice] Gosh, you know, I hope I didn't discourage Niles too much by the way I reacted. You know how much stock he puts in my opinion.
Martin
Blow it, Frasier.
Frasier
[blows duck call twice]
Martin
I didn't mean the duck call!
Donny
What about that time in Cancun when the car breaks down and that guy gives us a ride on-
Roz
A donkey! [they laugh]
Donny
[to Niles] Oh Niles, you have to hear this... [notices time] Oh God, I didn't realize it had gotten so late. I have to fax these contracts to the office right away. You wouldn't happen to have a machine, would you?
Niles
Well, there's one in the study, it's right down that hall. But can't that wait? We're all getting so mellow here.
Donny
You're right, it can wait. You know what we need? Another bottle of wine, I brought one, I'll get it.
Niles
Excellent, excellent.
Niles
Well, it's going well, don't you think?
Roz
Yeah, except your dad and Frasier will be here any minute, and if either one of them sees Donny, things are over.
Niles
They're not going to see Donny, because you're going to invite him to watch the sunset down by the lake, you're going to continue to work his charms on him, and then you're going to invite him out to dinner, and who knows where that'll lead? [laughs] Well, what am I saying, we both know where that'll lead!
Roz
You really think it'll work?
Niles
Yes, yes, yes.
Niles
Now you go down there and you enjoy that romantic sunset. I'll stay here with the baby.
Frasier
Oh, for heaven's sake! You're not going to let her go down and enjoy the sunset by herself!
Niles
Frasier, what are you doing back so soon?
Frasier
I came back for some more ammo. Who knew ducks were so shifty? Listen, I know that you took my advice to heart, but I tell you I've changed my mind: I now approve of you and Roz.
Niles
What?
Frasier
Yes, yes, the two of you should go for it. OK, come on, off you two go, let's go.
Niles
I don't think this is a good idea.
Frasier
Why not?
Roz
Yeah, I've changed my mind too, I'd rather stay here.
Frasier
What? You know what, you guys are putting far too much stock in my opinion. Come on, let's get down to the lake and enoy that sunset.
Niles
But-but-
Frasier
Let's go, no, not another word. Down to the lake.
Donny
OK, I've got a... [no-one's around]
Donny
Alice, it's OK, honey!
Niles
All right, you wait here, I'll get Donny. [enters kitchen saying] You know, Roz is heading down to the lake to catch that sunset...
Frasier
[pushing Niles back out with him] And you should be going with her too! For God's sake, I told the two of you I withdraw my objection. Come on, let's go!
Roz
I'm really worried about leaving Alice here alone.
Frasier
Roz, listen, I will attend to the baby. I was just about to make myself a cup of tea anyway. Now come on, let's go. March, both of you! Out the door! You're going to catch that romantic sunset if I have to drag you down there myself.
Frasier
Good lord, I just can't believe the two of them. Ridiculous behavior! My God... [heads into the kitchen] AAH!
Frasier
Daphne!
Daphne
I'm sorry, did I startle you?
Frasier
No, no, no, no, no. That's quite alright. It's just that if Niles knew you were here he would never... well, forgive himself for not being here to greet you.
Daphne
Oh, he wasn't expecting me. My plans changed and I thought I'd drive up and join you all.
Frasier
Oh, well isn't that nice? [then] You've got to leave!
Daphne
Why?!
Frasier
No, well you see, Niles is up here for what I think you Brits call a "dirty weekend" with someone...
Daphne
Ooh... [chuckles]
Frasier
And the someone happens to be Roz.
Daphne
Roz? You mean, Roz Roz?
Frasier
Yes, yes! Now, you've got to get out of here.
Daphne
But I just drove two hours and it's getting dark outside!
Frasier
All right, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what. There's a nice bed and breakfast just up the road. I think Dad, you, and I should all stay there this evening, alright?
Daphne
All right. If you don't mind, could I use the bathroom first?
Frasier
No, no, of course, right in there.
Frasier
Oh, dear God.
Roz
Where's Donny?
Niles
Well, he can't be in the kitchen, Frasier would have seen him.
Roz
[sees the door to Alice's room] Look, the door! He must be up there.
Niles
You keep a lookout, I'll go get him.
Roz
OK.
Niles
[goes to doorway] Why don't I take over here and you can join Roz?
Frasier
[enters from room] For the love of God! If I'd known the two of you were gonna take my words this seriously I would have chosen them more carefully. For God's sake, get out of here, get down to that lake!
Roz
You know, I really think I should check on Alice.
Frasier
No, no, Roz, your baby is just fine. I burped her once and she went out like a light. Come on, let's go, Niles.
Niles
Oh, you know, I am thinking about it. I think it's much more romantic to stay here by the fire than watch some sunset. [Roz joins him] Why don't you clear out so we can have our privacy?
Frasier
[confused] Well, alright.
Frasier
On the other hand, you know, you can enjoy the fire all night long. You've only got ten more minutes for the sunset.
Martin
Are you going to get some ammo while it's still daylight? It's almost sunset.
Frasier
Don't tell me, tell them!
Martin
[tries to push Frasier away] Is that the bathroom?
Frasier
No.
Niles
Yes, it is.
Frasier
It's out of order.
Frasier
Let me check again.
Frasier
My God, one of the pipes is burst and the other one's knocking.
Martin
Fine, is there one down the hallway there? [points to the door Niles is blocking]
Niles
No.
Frasier
Yes, there is!
Niles
No, it's out of order too!
Martin
[mad, to Frasier] Well, it's a good thing I brought all that beer!
Frasier
You know, Niles, you're behaving awfully strangely. What the heck is going on?
Niles
What do you mean?
Frasier
I mean that you show absolutely no desire to be alone with Roz! I'm starting to have serious doubts about this so- called "romance"!
Niles
Oh, really? Well, does this look so-called to you? [to Roz] Come here, Pookie!
Donny
That's why the door was stuck. You two, why didn't you tell me?
Frasier
Donny?
Daphne
[entering from bathroom] Donny?
Niles
Daphne? [jumps out of his seat, dumping Roz on the ground]
Donny
Daphne?
Frasier
[to Donny] What are you doing here?
Donny
Well, Niles invited me.
Frasier
[realizing] Oh, did he?
Donny
Yeah, it was really nice of him. Roz and I had a chance to catch up on old times.
Daphne
[remembering, but not angry] Oh, that's right, you two used to date, didn't you?
Frasier
Well, isn't that nice of Niles to organize this little reunion?!
Daphne
I hope I don't have anything to worry about! [laughs]
Donny
Oh come on, are you kidding?
Frasier
Well, [angrily] obviously Roz and Niles can barely keep their HANDS OFF EACH OTHER! You know, why don't all of us get out of here? Give these two little kids a little privacy.
Daphne
[to Donny] You know, we could use some privacy of our own. Dr. Crane tells me there's a bed and breakfast up the road from here.
Donny
Really?
Daphne
[saucily] Really.
Daphne
Even more fun if we both go.
Donny
Yes, yes.
Martin
Well, come on, Frasier, let's go get a nice Sloppy Joe. I'll pay for it.
Frasier
Something tells me I'll pay for it too. [to Roz & Niles] Oh, I realize now that you two don't need my blessing, so I'll just leave you with this.