Dinner Party
Aired 11th March 1999 · Written by Jeffrey Richman · Directed by David Lee
Frasier
You know Niles, I think I'm going to have a dinner party. Care to co-host?
Niles
[stops playing] I love the idea, what's the occasion?
Frasier
I got the idea last night when we bumped into Jean and Hollis Ashley at the symphony, I've always wanted to get to know them better.
Niles
Me too, they're such a charming couple: they remind me of Maris and me when we were happy. [pours himself a drink]
Frasier
[doorbell] Really? I must have been sick that day!
Frasier
[delighted] Oh, well Roz...
Roz
Thank you.
Frasier
Is that your dry cleaning?
Roz
No, it's Daphne's. Alice spit up on her dress so I had to have it dry-cleaned for her. I also had to buy her new shoes and detail her car, I've never seen a kid so sick!
Daphne
[enters from bedroom in dressing gown] Hey Roz, you look gorgeous.
Roz
How much time do we have?
Daphne
Twenty minutes. I better get changed.
Niles
Where are you going?
Roz
Daphne has friends at the British Consulate and they're having a big reception tonight, she has an invitation.
Daphne
[excited] Yes, who knows Roz? Maybe you'll meet some English lord who'll make you a lady.
Niles
I think at this point it would take the actual Lord to make her a lady.
Frasier
Well let's pick a date for our party. [picks up book] Got your book?
Niles
Hmm.
Frasier
The 1st is no good.
Niles
No: wine club. The second?
Frasier
Library fundraiser. Third?
Niles
No. Fourth, fifth, sixth?
Frasier
No. [turns page] No, no, no.
Niles
What about the 11th?
Frasier
No, concert tickets.
Niles
I don't have that marked.
Frasier
Yes, I'm taking a date.
Niles
Well isn't that nice. [writes in] 11th, "expect desperate last minute call from F." Anything the next week?
Frasier
No, no... [notices] Oh, I've got the 19th.
Niles
[excited] I've got the 19th!
Frasier
The 19th it is then.
Niles
Huzzah!
Martin
Hey, boys.
Niles
Hey, Dad.
Martin
What's up?
Frasier
Well actually, after an unusually protracted game of dueling date books, Niles and I have set a mutually acceptable evening for an intime soiree. [pause] We're having a dinner party!
Martin
Oh, sounds good! Any date but the 19th!
Niles
Well, what is wrong with the 19th?
Martin
My poker game's here that night.
Frasier
Can't you reschedule it?
Martin
[angry] No! It's always the third Saturday of the month and everybody shows. Jimmy once postponed his daughter's wedding just so that he could be here, and if you ever saw his daughter you'd know how risky that was.
Frasier
Dad, you know we wouldn't ask if there was any other date that worked!
Martin
Do you really expect me to give up my game so you can have one of your intime soirees?
Niles
I knew he knew what that meant!
Frasier
Dad, please, couldn't you at least make a few calls? [thinking] I tell you what, if you can change the day - I'll cover your losses that night.
Martin
[swayed a little] Well all right, I'll try. But you know, these guys live pretty busy lives - I can't always get in touch with them.
Niles
Let's hope that dog track has a PA system.
Frasier
Alright, Niles, back to our party... got any thoughts on a caterer?
Niles
[excited] Well... Cornell Evans. He's pricey but he's the best.
Frasier
Let's book him. [goes to phone]
Niles
Oh marvelous!
Frasier
[to phone] Oh, I'm sorry Dad, I didn't know you were on the line. [hangs up]
Frasier
Oh my goodness.
Daphne
Well we're off to the ball, don't wait up for us. [laughs]
Niles
Daphne, wait, wait, wait, wait, there's something on the back of your dress.
Daphne
[looks round] Oh my God, it looks like bleach or something! The dry cleaner must have done it!
Roz
I saw it, it's nothing.
Daphne
You saw it?!
Roz
Don't worry, it's hardly noticeable.
Daphne
[distraught] Dr. Crane noticed it!
Roz
That's because he's always looking at your...
Niles
[quickly] Roz!
Daphne
Well, I can't go now!
Roz
Why not?!
Daphne
This is the only formal dress I've got.
Roz
Wait! I've got the rest of my dry cleaning down in the car, I bet I have something you can wear, I'll be right back.
Niles
[taking out a tissue and wetting it] You know Daphne, I bet I would be able to get that out for you. [goes to touch it]
Daphne
No! The cleaner's spoiled it, he can damn well fix it! [exits]
Niles
It would just take...
Frasier
[on cellular] Can I speak to Cornell, please? Yes, of course I'll hold.
Niles
[going to room again] Daphne, I mean it, if I just had a toothbrush and a jeweler's...
Frasier
Niles!
Frasier
[to Niles] How long is he going to keep me on hold!
Niles
[Roz enters] Hey Roz, did you find any kind of thing...
Frasier
[into phone] Hello Cornell, yes Frasier Crane here. Listen, I'm hoping that you're not booked on the 19th. Oh Lord, yes I understand that... yes, same to you. Alright, bye-bye. [puts phone down] Damn! Don't you know it, the only date he's got free is the 11th. Damn those concert tickets!
Niles
Oh, you know who might be available: Tyler Wilkins.
Frasier
Doesn't he work with Cornell?
Niles
Oh, dear God, no. They are mortal enemies: they were catering a seafood banquet when Cornell flew into a rage because Tyler had ordered Mahi Mahi instead of Ahi. Of course, Tyler blamed it on Cornell's stutter and they haven't spoken since. [into phone] Tyler, Niles Crane, yes. I was wondering if you were available on the 19th? Wonderful, dinner for... 10. That's great, I'll call you later on and we'll discuss the menu. Thanks, bye-bye. [hangs up]
Frasier
That is wonderful, alright, [writing list] now you, me and the fabulous Ashbys. That leaves six chairs to fill.
Niles
Well, we'll have to have Joan and Ted Birkin, that's a no- brainer.
Frasier
Technically that's two no-brainers, forget the Birkins.
Niles
Wait a minute, you can't just steamroll over me, I want the Birkins!
Frasier
I don't!
Niles
Well, I do!
Frasier
All right, we each have a right to blackball, let's say, three guests. We will each get an equal voice.
Niles
That's fair enough.
Frasier
That's three for me and three for you. And just to get the blackball rolling... [throws one in bowl] Bye-bye, Birkins!
Niles
What about John and Carol Peterson, everyone loves them.
Frasier
Not everyone! [throws his second in bowl] Blackball!
Niles
Why?!
Frasier
No, no, we never question the blackball. We just bow to its will.
Niles
Fine, Nina and Arch Duncan.
Frasier
"The Drunken Duncans?!" Have you lost your... [realizes] Wait a minute. You loathe the Duncans, you just want me to waste a blackball.
Niles
That's insane, I adore the Duncans.
Frasier
Really? Well, perhaps I misjudged them. Very well Niles, the Duncans it is. [slowly writing] Nina and Arch...
Niles
Oh, stop it, they're hideous! [throws in his first] Blackball! What about the Walburts?
Frasier
Oh, I like the Walburts.
Niles
Finally. Gordons?
Frasier
I love the Gordons, now we're rolling.
Niles
How about the DiFalcos?
Frasier
[throws in last] Blackball! She is a twit. How about the Whitneys?
Niles
[throws in second] Blackball! He's a dolt. [Frasier begins eating another nut] Cromwells?
Frasier
[throws in nut] Blackball!
Niles
Look, if you're gonna... [notices it wasn't official] Wait a minute, you're out of blackballs... this is a dried-up old fig!
Frasier
So is Lucy Cromwell, I don't want her at my party.
Niles
The Cromwell's are in - the guest list is complete. Now let's start calling everyone.
Frasier
Yes - starting with our guests of honor: the Ashbys. [dials then in phone] Hello Hollis, Frasier Crane calling. Listen, Niles and I are planning on having a dinner party on the 19th and... oh. [to Niles] They're leaving to Africa on the 19th. [into phone] Oh, gee that's a shame. We were sorta building the evening around you. Oh! [to Niles] They've got the 11th free.
Niles
No good, we've got that concert.
Frasier
I didn't ask you to that. [to phone] The 11th should be just fine. Oh no, they've got a conflict. Oh, well that's no problem - they were our very next call. We absolutely adore the Duncans. All right, we'll see you then. [hangs up]
Niles
Not the drunken Duncans?!
Frasier
I'm sorry Niles, they've got plans for the Ashbys on the 11th, so they're invited too.
Niles
Well, I want my blackball back. [takes it]
Frasier
Oh, the blackball was dropped, it can never be...
Niles
Shut up!
Frasier
At least we're getting the Ashbys - in fact, you know what? There's an additional plus - seeing as we're changing our plans to the 11th, it means Cornell can cater.
Niles
Oh quick, you call Cornell, I'll call Tyler and tell him we're canceling. [into phone] Tyler. It's Niles Crane again. Yes, listen, it turns out we're not going to need you on the 19th.
Frasier
[into phone] Yes, Cornell please.
Niles
No, no, no, we're not going with someone else. Cornell?! [laughs] What gave you that idea?!
Frasier
Cornell, Frasier Crane. Listen, we've changed our party plans and...
Frasier
[smelling phone] This one's mine, I can smell my cologne!
Niles
Well, thanks to your keen sense of smell, we've lost both caterers. I suppose we can always get Kiki Price.
Frasier
She still in business?
Niles
Yes, they dropped the charges!
Frasier
[delighted] Oh. I better phone the Duncans, hope we can catch them before "Happy Hour"! [dials then into phone] Hello, Nina. [aside] Too late! [into phone] Frasier Crane calling. Listen, Niles and I are having the Ashbys over and a few other people for a dinner and we were hoping that you could join us on the 11th... Don't cry, Nina, please. Yes, well, I've always loved you too. What? Joaquin? Joaquin is coming in from Argentina, you'd like him to, to join us... well?
Niles
[whispers excitedly] Joaquin?! Joaquin Warens, he's the conductor of the Buenos Aires Philharmonic.
Frasier
[to Niles] My God, that's right, they were just down there, they must have met him. [to Nina] We would love to have Joaquin join us! Oh, that's splendid. Alright, right, then we'll see you on the 11th. The 11th. Alright, take two swizzle sticks and stand them up side by side. Eleven, that's right.
Niles
We've got Joaquin! [excited]
Frasier
Well, don't cry for me, Arch & Nina! Alright, let's see, we've got the Duncans and Joaquin, and that means we're going to have to cut out two couples. Well, the Cromwells and the...
Niles
Gordons!
Frasier
The Gordons. That leaves us short by one, we need a single female.
Niles
Oh Roz, perfect timing.
Roz
What's up?
Niles
We're having a dinner party and we need an interesting single woman. [she smiles] Do you know anybody? We're desperate!
Roz
[angrily she enters the kitchen] Excuse me!
Frasier
Naturally we thought of you first, Roz, but this isn't really your kind of crowd.
Roz
What? Sophisticated, cultured, is that why you don't think I'd fit in with your snooty elitist friends, I'm not genteel enough?!
Frasier
Now Roz...
Roz
Now Roz, my ass. I'm just as refined as you are. Shut up, Niles!
Martin
Well, I hope you're satisfied. I got everyone to change. We're gonna have it on the 11th.
Frasier
The 11th?!
Martin
Yeah, and it wasn't easy either, Mel had to reschedule his polyp surgery.
Niles
Well Dad, you are really going to laugh at this. Frasier and I rescheduled our dinner party for the 11th. [laughs]
Martin
[mad] I'm not changing it back! I'm not!
Frasier
Now Dad, I would never even consider asking you to do such a thing. I tell you what, there's no reason why we can't hold both parties simultaneously. The apartment's certainly big enough.
Martin
[smugly] I know what you're trying to do, and it won't work!
Frasier
What, dad? I'm serious, no, no, we can share the buffet table and we can even have the harpist learn a couple of Bobby Darin tunes for your crowd!
Martin
I can stand it if you can! [smug smile]
Frasier
Of course, we will have to dim the lights at one point. You see, Nina Duncan always insists on sharing her extensive collection of slides from the summer she danced Agamemmnom at Jacob's Pillow.
Martin
[smug smile until he breaks] All right, I'll change it. [leaves to bedroom]
Frasier
[to Niles] You call Kiki, and the Walburts. And I'll talk to Roz.
Niles
I'm on it!
Roz
[impatient] Come on, pick something!
Daphne
Pick what?! [throws normal dress down] This one isn't dressy enough! [throws a blue dress down] This one doesn't fit. [picks up a glittery blue dress which covers only everything between the cleavage and the thighs] And this one, well, it's hardly appropriate for a posh cocktail reception!
Frasier
[walks in] Excuse me, Roz, listen, I just came to apologize.
Roz
[angry] Whatever!
Daphne
What happened?
Roz
He said I wasn't classy enough to come to his fancy dinner party!
Frasier
Roz, you know I didn't mean that.
Daphne
Oh, get in line. I've lived here for six years and the only time I'm asked to that table is when I'm holding a freakin' serving spoon!
Frasier
It's just a silly dinner party, what's everyone getting so upset about?
Daphne
Oh, let's just go. [picks up showy glittery dress] Oh, I suppose this color might look nice on me after all.
Niles
[enters] I've left messages for Kiki and the Walburts.
Roz
Could you two please leave, so Daphne can change!
Niles
[notices Daphne's dress] Daphne, you're not actually going out in that, are you? [laughs politely]
Daphne
That's it, I'm staying home.
Roz
No, just try it, we can accessorize it.
Niles
With what?! A lamp post and a public defender?!
Frasier
Lord, was that the answering machine? [listens to message]
Allison
[from phone] Hi, it's Allison Walburt. And, yes, count us in for the 11th. Looking forward to it, bye.
Frasier
That's wonderful, I so enjoy the Walburts.
Harry
[from phone] Who was that?
Allison
[from phone] We just got invited to a dinner party at Dr. Crane's.
Harry
Which Dr. Crane?
Allison
Does it matter? You get the one, you get that other one. Personally, I think the whole arrangement's a little...
Harry
Is that thing off the hook?
Allison
Oh my God! [hangs up]
Niles
What you suppose she meant by that?
Frasier
Obviously, she thinks we're always together. That we're some sort of "couple."
Niles
That's ridiculous, we spend lots of times apart. [takes a bit of fluff from Frasier's jacket like a wife would do to her husband] Besides, who is she to talk? Look at her and Harry - they go everywhere together.
Frasier
They're married, Niles! Still, there's no reason for her to call us odd!
Niles
Wait, she never called us odd - listen.
Allison
Does it matter? You get the one, you get that other one. Personally, I think the whole arrangement's a little...
Harry
Is that thing off the hook?
Allison
Oh my God! [hangs up]
Niles
You see, she never said odd - we're getting upset over nothing.
Frasier
Nothing?! Is there a good end to that sentence?! "Personally, I think the whole arrangement is a little..." What?! Charming?!
Niles
Really, will you stop overreacting?
Frasier
Perhaps she has a point. Ever since your divorce you have become more and more attached to me. Maybe that's why she said what she said.
Niles
What?
Frasier
You get Frasier, you get that Niles!
Niles
She didn't say that. She said "you get the one, you get that other one." What makes you think that you're the one and I'm that other one?!
Frasier
I am the one giving the party, and you are that other one!
Niles
I'm the one that invited her, so that makes you that other one!
Niles
This is absurd! Why don't we just call Allison up and ask her what she thinks is so strange about us? We can both get her on an extension.
Frasier
[sarcastic] Better yet, why don't we just get on a bicycle built for two, ride over there and ask her what she thinks is so strange about us!
Frasier
[on phone] Hello. Yes, hello Nina. Alright, what can I do for you? No, no, dear, you called me. Oh yes, Joaquin can only eat certain foods - well, yes I'd be glad to accommodate them. Let's see, alright... [Niles writes it down] Rice, beans, jerked beef. Any particular reason? I see. Interesting. OK. Bye. [hangs up]
Niles
Why is Joaquin on such a strict diet?
Frasier
Because the Joaquin they're bringing to dinner is... [falls on sofa] ...their foster child! From a tiny village on the pompus. He speaks no English and he gets nauseated when he eats American food!
Niles
[confused] So, he's not the conductor of the Buenos Aires Philharmonic?
Frasier
Oh, you are so that other one! [calming down] Where are we going to find someone to babysit a nine year old child?
Roz
Quit your blubbering and just pick something, dammit!
Frasier
Roz-
Roz
Now what?!
Frasier
You were right. You know, you would be a welcome addition to any party.
Roz
Oh, you don't have to say that.
Frasier
No honestly, Niles and I want you to join us for dinner.
Roz
You mean it?
Frasier
In fact, we're having someone who might make a very interesting dinner companion for you.
Roz
He's not some stuffy old coot, is he?
Frasier
No, no, no..
Niles
[truthful] Young!
Frasier
Yes, very young!
Roz
OK, thanks!
Frasier
Not exactly my wish list, but at least we've got the Ashbys.
Niles
Allison Walburt can say what she wants, why should we care a whit about what anybody else thinks. Am I right?
Frasier
Absolutely! [to Martin] Dad, do you think we're odd?!
Martin
[tactical] No, you're not odd. You're just special! Your mother told me that when you were kids and I still believe it.
Frasier
Yes, but do you think we spend too much time together?
Martin
You're close, lots of brothers are close.
Frasier
Yes, I suppose you're right about that. The Gershwins, the Wright Brothers...
Niles
I told you we were getting upset over nothing.
Martin
[laughs] Course, then there were the Collier brothers!
Niles
Collier brothers?
Martin
Couple of nuttos that shared an apartment in New York their whole lives. They even built a maze out of newspapers in there that only they knew how to get through. They collapsed on one of them and the other one just sat there with the dead body until the neighbors complained about the smell! [laughs] Pretty crazy story. [gets beer] You recycle right, Niles? [exits]
Frasier
You know, maybe it wouldn't be the worst idea if we went our own ways a bit more.
Niles
It's possible we have grown a tad dependent on one another. [again takes a bit out of Frasier's jacket]
Frasier
Perhaps this is just the warning we need. Today we're planning a dinner party... tomorrow we're wearing matching pajamas and washing each other's hair! Let's face it, Niles, we are one stone's throw away from becoming the neighborhood kooks! Right down to the local children ringing our doorbell and running away.
Niles
Now Frasier, you are letting your imagination get the better of you. Come on, let's go make a seating chart.
Frasier
You always know how to cheer me up.
Niles
Oh Daphne, isn't that Roz's dress?
Daphne
Yes, it was really the only thing that looked good on me. [calling] Come on, Roz, we don't want to be late!
Daphne
Doesn't she look beautiful!
Roz
[angry] Oh, shut it, Daphne! I know you think I look like a hooker.
Daphne
No, I said it made me look like a hooker. On you... well, it works.
Frasier
[on phone] Hello? Yes, yes. Oh Lord, I'm so sorry you can't make it. That's all right. Yes, some other time. Goodbye. [hangs up]
Niles
Please not the Ashbys.
Frasier
Family emergency. Apparently it's so urgent they didn't have time to think up a plausible excuse!
Niles
So where does that leave us?
Frasier
Well, let's see... we have a third-rate caterer with a record, a couple of lushes, a couple who think we're both nutcases, an Argentine wild child and Roz! [throws down list] Dinner is served!
Niles
[realizing] I still have one blackball left.
Frasier
At this point I don't think one is going to make any difference.
Niles
It will to me, I'm using it on myself. [black balls himself] Blackball!
Frasier
We are the Collier brothers! Why don't we just face the inevitable: let us just cancel the whole damn thing.
Niles
Of course, canceling the party twenty minutes later - people'll think we're strange!
Frasier
Frankly, I'm sick and tired about giving a damn about what other people think. You know, most of them are one ball away from not being here in the first place.
Niles
You're right. So we spend a lot of time together, so what? I enjoy it.
Frasier
So do I, Niles. You know, why don't we make those calls tomorrow to cancel? I'm famished, why don't we just head over to "Companion" for dinner, my treat.
Niles
[excited] You're on. [laughing] Unless you think it's too odd to have dinner together. [gets coat]
Frasier
[laughs] I don't think we're in any danger of that. If our relationship became truly odd I think we're both intelligent enough to recognize the signs.