Taps At The Montana

Martin

Hey boys, how was dinner?

Niles

Oh, let's just say when I picked my lobster out of the tank I had no idea that he was in for a better evening than I was.

Martin

What happened?

Frasier

Well, it started off well enough. First they seated us at a superb table, much better than the one next to us - where, unfortunately, they sat Daphne and Donny.

Martin

Oh, jeez.

Frasier

They were being very affectionate, of course: whispering, laughing, holding hands...

Niles

This in a place where people were trying to eat.

Frasier

Well, in an attempt to make things better I suggested that Niles and I switch seats so that he could face the other table. Of course, only moments later they seated Maris there with her new boyfriend. Also being affectionate.

Niles

Grooming each other like spider monkeys! She was deliberately taunting me, playing the same coquettish games we used to play in restaurants: batting her eyes and coyly hiding behind her breadstick. And then to top it all, the Pouille Foussé we ordered was a grave disappointment.

Frasier

Yes, well I urged him to send it back, but no, he didn't want to create a scene in front of Daphne.

Niles

Not that she would have even noticed, the way Donny was feeding her forkfuls of risotto, as if she had lost her arms instead of her mind, what is she doing with him?!

Martin

Well, some days it doesn't pay to get out of bed.

Niles

Well, at the Shangri-La, the highlight of my day is getting out of bed, so I can slam it back up into the wall!

Martin

How long are you gonna stay there? You can afford to go back to the Montana now, can't you?

Niles

Yes, but thanks to Frasier there's a tenant living there!

Frasier

May I remind you that you begged me to find you a sublet - Someone austere and dignified enough not to offend your starchy neighbors?

Niles

Frasier, I'm not trying to blame you, it's just that my whole world has crashed down around me and I want to go home.

Frasier

Well, I'm sorry Niles, he's still got two months left on his sublet.

Martin

Can't you give him a call, lean on him a little bit?

Frasier

Dad, the man has a lease, I can't very well call him up and ask him to move out.

Martin

How was dinner?

Daphne

Wonderful. [to the brothers] You should have come over and joined us.

Niles

Oh well, it looked like that you had enough to contend with, what with your [sotto voce] table's fork shortage.

Daphne

Oh, Donny takes such good care of me. You know, after you left, I made the tiniest comment about not liking the Pouille Foussé and he sent it back. That snooty wine steward argued with him but Donny made a bit of a scene with the owner and the next thing you knew, our entire meal was on the house. [laughs] I've never been prouder of him.

Niles

Frasier, I wanna go home.

Frasier

[picks up phone] I'll call Dr. MacLowery.

Latimer

Dr. Crane, you're back.

Niles

Yes, Mrs. Latimer. Fortunately my sublet was able to move out early.

Latimer

I trust your tour was a success?

Niles

A triumph.

Latimer

Good, take care.

Frasier

Tour?

Niles

I could hardly let these people know where I was living. [presses doorbell] I told them I was on a lecture tour of Africa so they wouldn't try to contact me.

Frasier

Ah! [then] You know, Niles, maybe he isn't here. Maybe we should just let ourselves in.

Niles

Oh... I'm home. Oh, I can already feel the last four months dropping away.

Frasier

Yes, soon Africa will be just a memory.

Niles

I just want to close my eyes, [does] and savor the serenity...

Niles

What the hell is that?!

Frasier

It's Dr. MacLowery!

Frasier

Dr. MacLowery! What are you doing?

MacLowery

[takes off his headphones] Oh, that was a ball change, leading to a riff drop. You've got to "Lick it & Stick it."

Frasier

When did you take up tap dancing?

MacLowery

Oh, years ago. I figured if I didn't dance, I'd go crazy.

Niles

I'm not sure he caught it in time.

Niles

Ooh, baseboard, baseboard!

Frasier

Dr. MacLowery, please - the neighbors!

MacLowery

Tell me about it! Why, those bunch of sourpusses. All they do is complain! [then] Sunshine-rain!

Niles

Oh well, look who it is, it's the tenants' board come to welcome me home. Carol and Alfred Larkin, you remember my brother, Frasier. Oh, and Mr. Probst.

Probst

See here, Crane. We abhor noise in this building.

Niles

Oh, I couldn't agree more.

Alfred

What do you call that?

Frasier

I believe that was "Lick it & Stick it"!

Carol

This has been going on for months. We would have contacted you if we had known how to.

Niles

Well, I am sorry but Dr. MacLowery....

Alfred

Dr. Crane, I'm afraid the board is leaning toward rescinding your lease.

Niles

What? Why?

Probst

Because you're a menace, Crane. You always have been. You have something of a reputation in this building, what with all the raucous parties you've hosted. I'm not a well man. I have a serious heart problem and I demand quiet, we all do.

Niles

Well, Mr. Probst, I assure you...

Probst

Uh-uh. We're having a board meeting tomorrow evening in which we intend to discuss your situation, and if I were you I wouldn't plan on unpacking.

Carol

Nice seeing you again.

Daphne

It was good of you to go to all this trouble for your brother, Dr. Crane.

Frasier

Oh well, in a way I felt responsible.

Niles

Oh, really? I don't why. Just because you sublet my apartment to Bo Jangles the Loon?

Daphne

Ooh! I'll get it. [she does]

Frasier

Niles, will you relax?

Niles

How can I? In an hour these people will throw me right out of my home.

Frasier

Which they won't do if you show them a good time at this little reception. A couple of drinks, some food, some witty conversation, they'll realize what an asset you are to this building.

Roz

Hey, guys.

Niles

Hey, Roz.

Frasier

Hi, Roz.

Roz

[sarcastic, looking at old people] Great party, Niles! I was a little surprised to get your last-minute invitation. You're not trying to set me up with anybody, are you?

Niles

[laughs] Don't be ridiculous.

Roz

Good.

Niles

You're here because the caterer cancelled. [takes her coat] Now listen, I need you to open the wine, cut up some limes and hang up this coat.

Roz

[peeved] You actually think that I'm so hard-up for a night out that I'd spend an evening pushing drinks in "God's Waiting Room"?

Niles

Shush!

Frasier

Roz, please!

Roz

You're paying for the babysitter.

Frasier

All right, done.

Martin

What am I, the dishwasher?

Frasier

No, Dad, you were invited because... well, it just wouldn't be a party without you. Although there may be a few women here who are unattached, who might just take a shine to an old debonair dog like yourself.

Martin

I'm just a piece of meat to you guys, aren't I?

Daphne

Oh, there goes that damn loose earring again! Thank goodness it didn't fall in the punch bowl. We don't want someone choking on it, do we?

Frasier

Yes, although nothing says "party" like a tracheotomy.

Carol

You must tell us all about your African tour, Dr. Crane.

Alfred

[sarcastic] Yes, did the local people actually enjoy your lectures?

Niles

Well yes, quite a bit. Except of course for the pygmies. Most of it went right over their heads.

Niles

I'll get it.

Niles

Oh, the rest of the board, pleased to see you.

Latimer

Dr. Crane, while you were on the subcontinent did you happen to spot any rare African water fowl?

Niles

Just one, but it was already spotted!

Niles

[responding to nothing] I'll get it.

Frasier

For God's sake, Niles, will you do something with this damn bird?

Niles

Onto your perch. [picks her up and puts her on her perch] Here you go. Over here.

Baby

Niles sucks.

Niles

The boys at the Shangri-La used to love teaching you things like that. So tiring.

Baby

Bite me, Niles.

Niles

Right back at you. Frasier, please hurry with the hors d'oeuvres, the guests are already hostile towards me. I'm not going to win any points by starving them.

Baby

Stuff it, Niles.

Niles

Oh, don't tempt me!

Latimer

Dr. Crane.

Niles

Yes.

Latimer

Who is that distinguished-looking man over there?

Latimer

I've been trying to catch his eye but he's far too engrossed in that gardening book.

Niles

Well, that's actually my father, Martin. Dad? [no response] Don't mind him, he's painfully shy.

Latimer

Oh, I know just how he feels. I'm a bit of a shrinking violet myself. [calls loudly] Martin!

Roz

Do you see that obnoxious old lecher?

Niles

Well, you're going to have to be a lot more specific.

Roz

The one in the blue jacket, I'm this close to slapping him.

Niles

Wait, wait, wait, that is Mr. Hawkins. He is the vice- president of the tenants' board.

Roz

Well, I don't care who he is, he just pinched me.

Frasier

Roz, please, the man is eighty and arthritic. How hard can he pinch?

Frasier

Ow!

Niles

It's not working. People aren't talking, they're not mixing....

Frasier

Niles! Stop it, stop it. The party's just starting, everything's going to be just fine.

Frasier

Don't you touch me!

Frasier

Daphne, how are those other...

Frasier

Baby?

Frasier

Oh, dear God! [feels it] This bird is dead. How did this happen?

Daphne

She must have eaten some of the hors d'oeuvres.

Frasier

You mean the ones I've just served to Niles's guests?

Niles

[entering talking to someone outside] You are very welcome!

Niles

Frasier, I'm so sorry, I completely overreacted. People really perked up once they saw those appetizers of yours. You know, I think the Niles Crane party curse has finally been laid to rest. [noticing their faces] What?

Niles

Will somebody please tell me what happened?

Frasier

I'm going to let Daphne tell you.

Niles

What is it?

Daphne

I don't mean to alarm you but there's something wrong with the hors d'oeuvres.

Niles

What? How do you know?

Daphne

A little bird told me.

Frasier

Sorry, I forgot the garnish. Just dreadfully embarrassed about this... give me that! Thank you very much. It's just chef's prerogative. [quickly takes one out of Roz's hands which is just about to enter her mouth] Roz! For God's sake.

Niles

Did you see how it happened? Anything?

Daphne

Well, I did hear her last words but... I don't think they'd be of much comfort to you.

Frasier

Oh Niles, I'm so sorry. My God, the mayonnaise must have gone bad, or the cranberry, or the paté. [begins binning them]

Niles

Which one did she eat?

Frasier

I don't know. Daphne, smell her beak! [Daphne reacts.]

Frasier

Alright, Niles, are you all right?

Niles

Yes, I just need a moment.

Carol

[o.s] Oh, Dr. Crane?

Niles

That's long enough.

Carol

Excuse me, I'm afraid I spilt punch on my dress, I need a towel.

Daphne

No. You're much better off using...

Daphne

...yeah, this bread. It's much more absorbent!

Carol

Really?

Daphne

Yes. That's why they call it nature's sponge.

Carol

Alright. [uses it and laughs] It's working.

Niles

Alright, what do we do now?

Frasier

Daphne, you get rid of Baby, I'll get rid of this tainted food.

Niles

But we still have a room full of hungry guests with nothing to serve them.

Daphne

Oh God, look at that! She must have swallowed my earring, that's what killed her.

Niles

Oh, that means we don't have to destroy the hors d'oeuvres. Frasier, Frasier, stop! Are there any left?

Frasier

Yes, we're in luck. This intrepid little crab puff has survived. Now all I need is a very sharp knife and sixteen toothpicks.

Roz

[o.s.] Niles!

Roz

I'm really getting tired of these people. Some lady just handed me a piece of wet bread. [hands it over]

Niles

Oh, this party is doomed.

Frasier

No, Niles, listen. Don't panic, we've got everything we need to make more hors d'oeuvres. All we need is time, you get out there and stall.

Niles

Mrs. Latimer, can I get you some punch?

Latimer

Yes, your father went to get me some... but that was quite a while ago.

Niles

Allow me.

Latimer

By the way, where is that adorable bird of yours?

Niles

Um, she's resting. Travel really takes it out of her.

Latimer

You didn't take her with you to Africa, surely?

Niles

Well, she has family there.

Niles

Mr. Probst, having a good time?

Probst

Look here, Crane, if you're not going to feed us we might as well take the vote right now.

Niles

No, no, no, please.

Probst

I mean, you bring the hors d'oeuvres, you take the hors d'oeuvres away... what kind of a game is this you're playing with us?

Niles

Well I'm not, I'm not... [loudly] Oh, what a good idea! Why don't we all play a game? Anyone have any suggestions?

Carol

What about Murder? We played it at Irene Warner's party. It was a hoot.

Woman

How do we play?

Niles

Well here, [gets out pens and paper] someone tear off slips of paper and on one of them write the word "Murderer." And then we'll pass them out, and then everyone hide. We'll turn out the lights, then the murderer kills someone and they lay down on the floor, then we turn on the lights and the detective solves the crime.

Frasier

[who entered during the instructions] I tell you what, I'll volunteer to play the detective for the first round. Let the mayhem begin!

Latimer

Oh, Martin, there you are! Come, hide with me, I know a little nook where no one will find us. [goes upstairs]

Martin

This game's a lot scarier than I thought! [exits in other direction]

Frasier

Alright? Turn out the lights, everyone hide.

Probst

Ah, can't see.

Roz

Oh, can I help you, sir?

Probst

I don't have my glasses, can you tell me what it says on this thing?

Roz

It says "Murderer."

Probst

Good. [holds a pretend gun to her head] Then you're dead.

Roz

[lays down sarcastically] This party just gets better and better.

Frasier

How soon?

Daphne

I'm going as fast as I can. The first batch should be ready in five minutes.

Frasier

Alright, five minutes it is. Ready or not, here I come!

Frasier

My goodness, the foul fiend has struck already. Turn the lights on. [they come up] Good heavens, he's struck twice!

Roz

Frasier...

Frasier

Uh-uh, once dead you cannot move or speak, take your cue from Mr. Probst. Alright, everyone. [in a detective-like voice] Did any of you see anything suspicious? Any odd behavior?

Alfred

Why don't you just guess, so we can get this thing over with.

Frasier

Not yet, this is very intriguing. I think I'm going to have to think about it for... five minutes or so.

Carol

Maybe this game was a bad idea.

Frasier

No, the fun's just started. I tell you what, let's turn off the lights again and we'll let our craven villain ply his dark trade once more.

Alfred

Are you quite sure those two didn't die of starvation?

Frasier

Very funny! Would you just turn out the lights, please?

Frasier

Alright everyone, hide!

Roz

Frasier, I have a question.

Frasier

No, Roz, no talking.

Roz

Just tell me, can the murderer commit suicide?

Frasier

Well no, Roz, that wouldn't make much sense, would it?

Roz

That's what I thought, but Mr. Probst is the one who murdered me.

Frasier

Well, was he? Well then, Mr. Probst, I don't think someone's playing by the rules, is he? You see, this way no-one else can get murdered, can they? [silence] Mr. Probst?

Roz

What is it? What are you doing?

Frasier

Nothing, Roz, nothing.

Roz

Are you taking his pulse?

Frasier

I'm trying to, I just can't find one.

Roz

Oh my God! When he fell down, I thought it was part of the game. It didn't even look real.

Niles

Okay, it's time to wind the game up. The appetizers are ready, and may I say they are delicious. I think this party is finally back on track!

Frasier

Niles! I'm afraid Mr. Probst has passed on.

Niles

What?

Frasier

Yes, you see, I think that heart condition of his finally caught up with him.

Niles

Dead? No, no, no, he's sleeping. Old people love to nap. [begins prodding him] Mr. Probst, time to wake up. Mr. Probst...

Frasier

Niles, Niles, he's gone.

Niles

Oh my God, how could this happen?

Roz

Shouldn't we notify someone?

Niles

No, he was a widower, he had no children, he lived alone in this building for twenty-five years. This is so awful. Mr. Probst is right, I am a menace.

Frasier

No, Niles, this is not your fault.

Niles

But it happened at my party, it's all they will remember. I might as well pack my bags.

Frasier

No, I tell you what. There's no need for that. I think we can still get him out of here without anybody noticing.

Niles

How?

Frasier

You go find Dad. Tell him to call one of his friends at the police department. One of his good friends, right? I'll handle the rest.

Niles

All right.

Roz

What's the rest?

Frasier

I'm going to use the game to distract everybody. I will take everyone into the kitchen for questioning, thus drawing their attention from the bodies.

Roz

What do you mean, "bodies"?

Frasier

Roz!

Roz

No.

Frasier

Get down.

Roz

No, please no.

Frasier

All right, how about this? I will pay the airfare for that vacation of yours next month.

Roz

[thinks, then] No way, it's just too creepy. First class?

Frasier

Business.

Roz

Done.

Frasier

All right, get down there.

Niles

Frasier, Frasier, Frasier, I found Dad hiding from Mrs. Latimer. He's called his friend.

Frasier

Great. Niles, start getting everyone in the kitchen.

Niles

Wait, wait, won't they wonder why there hasn't been another murder?

Frasier

Good point.

Roz

[from under Mr. Probst] Could we move this along?!

Frasier

Quiet!

Martin

The wagon's on its way. When it gets here let me deal with it.

Niles

All right, thank you, Dad. I really appreciate this...

Frasier

Dad! Can you do one more favor? You are now the killer. Listen, come on, you've got to murder somebody - preferably in the kitchen!

Martin

Oh, come on! You're not going to make someone lie down on this dirty floor again, are you?

Latimer

Oh, there you are, Martin. Have you been hiding from me?

Martin

[with an idea, evil] Hiding? No, you're just the person I've been looking for.

Frasier

All right, turn on the lights, everyone. [whisper] Roz, you okay?

Roz

[sarcastic] Yeah, it's a carnival down here.

Frasier

Everyone. There has been another murder... in the kitchen. I'm ready to solve the crime, if you'll all join me... in the kitchen.

Carol

Why can't you solve it right here?

Frasier

Well I could, you see, but that wouldn't be proper. You see... [thinks, then] the hors d'oeuvres are in there. Come along, people. We've got food. Don't touch the crime scene please, thank you very much.

Roz

Hurry, his fingers are getting stiff!

Frasier

Before I determine the identity of the killer, there are a few questions I'd like to ask each of you.

Carol

I'll get it.

Frasier

No. No-one leaves until I've solved the crime. Except you, Dad.

Frasier

All right, then. I think I shall begin by drawing a diagram of where each of you was standing when the first murder occurred.

Frasier

So we have established Miss Finn was talking with Mr. Larkin in the upstairs hall at 8:14. And he muttered something.

Carol

Why do you keep looking out there?

Frasier

I'll ask the questions around here, Mrs. Larkin.

Alfred

They already told you. Your father killed Mrs. Latimer. Mrs. Hawkins saw him.

Frasier

Mrs. Hawkins thought she saw him!

Latimer

[lifts her head] No, Martin did kill me. He's got a lot to learn about playing gently.

Frasier

Mrs. Latimer, we have already broken the "no-eating while dead" rule but we'll stand fast on the "quiet" one. [stuffs a crab puff in her mouth] Now...

Carol

I'm bored and I'm going home.

Frasier

No, wait.

Frasier

You can't blame Niles for this because...

Frasier

[covering] My father is the killer! Yes, the case is closed. Shall we have another round?

Alfred

Where's Probst?

Roz

He just left. He wasn't feeling well.

Niles

Yes, I hope he's alright, poor man.

Alfred

Well, who cares? I never liked the old coot anyway.

Niles

You didn't?

Alfred

I was planning on voting for you tonight just to annoy him.

Carol

Me, too!

Niles

Well, why don't we vote right now?

Alfred

Consider it done. [shakes Niles's hand] You're in, Crane. Welcome back. Carol, let's get out of here.

Roz

Doesn't he have anything stiffer than punch to drink? I don't like looking at dead bodies, much less touching them.

Frasier

I think he's got a bottle of vodka in the freezer, Roz.

Roz

Oh, great.

Niles

Thank you so much for this second chance. I can assure you, from now on this will be the quietest apartment in the Montana.

Roz

[o.s.] OH, MY GOD!

Niles

Goodnight.