IQ
Aired 8th April 1999 · Written by Rob Hanning & Jay Kogen · Directed by David Lee
Frasier
Evening, Niles.
Niles
Frasier. Everybody ready?
Frasier
Just about.
Niles
Ooh! New cufflinks, those are very smart.
Frasier
Oh yeah, you've seen these before, haven't you? I always wear them with the tux.
Niles
Of course you do. Well still, nothing catches the eye like a sharp pair of cufflinks.
Frasier
And those are very nice too.
Niles
[acting] Oh, these...
Frasier
Gold?
Niles
Yes, well I knew you'd be wearing silver. I didn't want us to look alike, you know.
Roz
Hello.
Frasier
Hi, Roz. Come on in.
Roz
Sorry I'm late.
Frasier
That's all right.
Daphne
Hey, Roz.
Roz
Daphne, thank you so much for watching Alice. She's way overdue for her nap. Maybe I can get her to sleep.
Frasier
Oh, great. Well, set her down in my room. You know, we don't want to be late for that silent auction.
Roz
You know, I can't believe you've donated another "Day Behind the Scenes of the Frasier Crane Show" this year.
Frasier
Well, why not, Roz? It's for a good cause. The Kelly Ann Grunther foundation does excellent work.
Roz
Well, you weren't trapped in my booth with that mouth breather for three hours last year.
Frasier
Well, he wasn't that bad. Some kind of engineer, wasn't he?
Roz
Well, he wasn't a dental hygienist, that's for sure.
Martin
Daphne, can you help me with these cuff links?
Daphne
Oh, all right.
Niles
[looks at her screen as Daphne goes to help Martin] What is this, Daphne?
Daphne
I'm chatting on-line with Donny. [the computer beeps] Oh, what's he saying?
Niles
Er, [reads] "I can't wait to come home and see my wittle Engwish cwumpet."
Daphne
I don't want him to think I've abandoned him. Would you mind taking over? [Niles looks aghast but does it anyway] Tell him I miss him too.
Niles
All right. [he types]
Daphne
I'm counting the days until he comes home and there's no-one I love more than my fuzzy wuzzy...
Computer
Good-bye.
Niles
I'm sorry, I seem to have lost him.
Daphne
Maybe I can get him back. [goes to computer]
Frasier
Well, there we are. Alice is all squared away, she went right to sleep. Shall we? [they cross to the door]
Daphne
Have a good time. Don't spend too much.
Martin
Oh, don't worry about that. I've got a whole system worked out where I can get everything I want for the minimum bid.
Frasier
Dad, it's hardly in spirit with the evening. We're raising money for the Kelly Ann Grunther fund.
Martin
Oh, baloney. You just want to go there so you can hob-nob with all your snooty friends.
Frasier
Oh, that is not true.
Martin
Oh, yeah? Well, then answer me one question: just who is Kelly Ann Grunther?
Frasier
Kelly Ann Grunther... is... the person responsible for the Kelly Ann Grunther foundation.
Martin
Well, what does that mean?
Frasier
Well, I guess she's just a very wealthy person that put up a lot of money, right?
Roz
I thought she had some kind of disease?
Niles
I always thought she was a scientist doing research.
Martin
So, in other words, it could have been called... [looks at Eddie] the Eddie Eddie-mund Foundation, so long as there was fancy food on silver platters.
Frasier
Have you seen anything exciting to bid on?
Niles
Well, no. It's mostly the same items as last year. [reads one] A day of beauty with internationally-known stylist Raphael.
Frasier
Yes, I see Missy Cromwell put down for that.
Niles
Well, can you blame her? Her last day of beauty was during the Johnson administration. [they laugh]
Frasier
[looks] You know, this is rather interesting. The Laureate Luncheon; break bread with three Nobel Prize winners. Drs. Alan Zafrin, Jane Randall and Terrance Quinn.
Niles
Oh my, it's an opportunity to meet with three of the greatest thinkers of our time. I'm amazed they even got them all in the same room together. You know Zafrin's a legendary recluse.
Frasier
Yes, well he'll be at "Fiddlesticks" tomorrow at noon. [Niles signs his name] Good luck to you, Niles. You know, they say Quinn is quite witty. In nuclear physics circles he is referred to as "the half life of the party."
Martin
What do we have at this table? Ooh, the Windsor-monic 2000. Yeah... oh, isn't this the one they had to recall because the propane tanks kept on exploding?
Woman
They did?
Martin
Yeah, I sure feel sorry for this guy... [reads the bid list] Martin Crane. Better give himself an apron that says "Kiss the Chef Goodbye".
Jody
Are you bidding on this one too?
Roz
No, no, I'm Roz Doyle, Frasier Crane's producer. If you win this, you'll be spending the afternoon with me.
Jody
[signs it] Well, I hope I do. I'm a big fan of the show.
Roz
Oh.
Noel
Hello, there.
Roz
Hi, Noel. What are you doing here?
Noel
I came to bid on my favorite auction item. I should warn you that Lady Luck is on my side tonight. The last guy who rented this tux left a perfectly good comb in the pocket. [points to signing board] May I?
Roz
[hides pen] Well, there's no pen. I'm sorry, Noel.
Noel
No problem-o. I wear one around my neck.
Niles
Oh, damn.
Frasier
What is it?
Niles
It looks like I have some competition for this luncheon. An Alastair Mobery doubled my bid to five hundred dollars. I've heard that name before...
Frasier
Yes, it sounds familiar to me too. Wait a minute, isn't he that young, ruthless software tycoon?
Niles
Great!
Frasier
Well, it's no use competing with those deep pockets. But, you know, Niles, this vase here deserves a second look.
Niles
Wait a minute. Mobery, wasn't that the nom de plume you used in prep school for your society column?
Frasier
What a remarkable coincidence.
Niles
Oh, bah! You are secretly trying to outbid me.
Frasier
Oh, all right. I thought if you were bidding against a stranger you'd only go so high. But if you knew it was me, then your childish competitiveness would kick in.
Niles
That is nonsense. Give me the pen.
Frasier
[Frasier doesn't] No, I'm saving you from yourself.
Niles
Give me that. Frasier, in the name of Kelly Ann Grunther and everything she stands for...
Frasier
She can't stand!
Niles
How do you know?
Frasier
[lowers voice] I asked.
Jody
I can't believe I'm bidding this much.
Roz
Don't worry, we're gonna have so much fun.
Noel
It'll be so great being in that booth together, Roz. No need to get me extra headphones. I'll just share yours! [signs again]
Auctioneer
We are coming up on the final minute of tonight's auction. No bid will be accepted after the whistle blows.
Roz
Listen, Jody, can I talk to you?
Jody
I'd love to bid more but I'm really at my limit.
Roz
I really want you to win this. I think we hit it off.
Jody
Oh, you too, huh? I thought I sensed a little spark between us... [gazes into Roz's eyes with passion] Roz.
Roz
A spark?
Jody
Maybe after the show we could get a drink or have some dinner?
Roz
Ah...
Roz
[to Jody] You like Italian?
Niles
I think it's time to separate the men from the boys. You will never top this bid! [signs again]
Frasier
You're right, Niles. I won't top it. I will DOUBLE it! [signs again]
Niles
Then I'd like to see the look on your face when I double YOUR bid! [signs again]
Frasier
What? [looks] You didn't double it, you just added fifty dollars to it!
Martin
[raising the barbecue bid list] YES!
Niles
[triumphant] The geniuses are mine!
Auctioneer
Well, there certainly was some spirited bidding over this luncheon, wasn't there! My goodness, four thousand, fifty dollars!
Niles
[realizing] What have I done?!
Frasier
You have let your competitiveness get the better of you, and it serves you right!
Auctioneer
Due to the overwhelming interest in this luncheon, I propose adding another place at the table. That is, if we can convince our runner-up, Dr. Frasier Crane, to match his brother's generous bid.
Auctioneer
What do you say, Dr. Crane?
Frasier
[breaking up] Well, all right!
Frasier
[whispering] Dear God! We've just spent eight thousand dollars for a lunch!
Niles
Frasier, just try to remember it's for a very worthy cause.
Auctioneer
Thanks to the Drs. Crane, there will be a lot fewer homeless cats on the streets of Seattle next year!
Martin
Hey, Daph.
Daphne
Hey. Have a good time at the auction?
Martin
Oh yeah, I got a great new barbecue: the Windsor-monic 2000. I wonder if they name it that because that's the one the Royal family uses.
Daphne
Oh, I'm sure it is. That's actually the new postage stamp in
England
Her Majesty with a pair of barbecue tongs and a sauce brush!
Frasier
Yes, well at least dad didn't have to go into debt for his purchase.
Daphne
Oh yes, Roz told me about your lunch with the geniuses.
Frasier
What, Roz beat us back here?
Daphne
Yes, she was trying to ditch Noel. Apparently he's not allowed onto the highway with his moped.
Niles
Frasier, do you ever wonder why we do all this competition. Where did it even start?
Frasier
That's a good question, Niles. [pours brandies] Think back. What was the first thing you can remember us competing over?
Niles
It'd have to be Mom. We were always jockeying for her time and attention.
Frasier
Well, it was a lot more difficult for me, actually - you being her favorite.
Niles
What? You were her favorite.
Frasier
Oh, don't be ridiculous, Niles. She adored you. Don't you remember the time you lost your tricycle? She actually took mine away from me and gave it to you.
Niles
That was for your own good. No eight year old should be riding a tricycle.
Frasier
I had a chronic ear infection that affected my balance.
Niles
Mom worshiped the ground you walked on. Remember when we brought those bowls home from pottery class? She used yours for the cranberry sauce at Thanksgiving and mine as a dog's dish!
Frasier
Well, what did you expect her to do? You painted a little dog right on it.
Niles
That was a turkey!
Frasier
Well, isn't this ironic? Both of us thinks the other one is the favorite when in fact neither of us was.
Niles
So all our competition was pointless. Oh, I wish we'd talked about this years ago.
Frasier
Oh Lord, yes. The angst we could have spared ourselves. Do you remember those IQ tests that we took?
Niles
I was sick waiting for the results.
Frasier
Which we never found out, of course. Mom refused to tell us anything except that we were two points apart.
Niles
I knew you had the higher score.
Frasier
I was convinced you did.
Niles
Well, mom was certainly right not to tell us.
Frasier
Yes, she certainly was. She knew back then that we were both too childish and competitive to handle it.
Frasier
You know what would be a sign of real growth, Niles?
Niles
To find out those scores right now.
Frasier
Exactly. I mean, how often in life can you afford an opportunity to discover really how much you've evolved?
Niles
Exactly.
Niles
Dad, do you know what our IQs are?
Martin
[sitting down] No, but I got a pretty good idea at that auction tonight!
Frasier
No, Dad. The IQ tests we did when we were children. Would you have saved those?
Martin
Oh sure, your mother and I saved all that stuff; report cards, finger paintings, poems. It's in an old Ballantines box in the closet.
Frasier
Oh Dad, why don't you just admit it? You're more of a sentimentalist then you let on.
Martin
Yes, I guess I am. That's the first case of beer your mother and I ever bought together.
Daphne
I still can't get over how much they've spent at that auction.
Martin
Oh, they've always tried to one-up each other.
Daphne
I suppose all brothers are like that. Mine certainly were. Everything was a contest!
Daphne
Who could the run the fastest, jump the highest. They even had this strange one where they'd take little brother Michael, put him in a potato sack and see who could roll him the farthest over the frozen lake out back. They loved that game! Until that year the spring thaw set in early and poor Michael went right through the ice. Ooh, they caught hell for that one, they did. Caught it worse a week later when Michael's toe finally fell off. Michael cried and cried until they told him to put it under his pillow for the toe fairy! And then when he got five quid for it, why it was all they could do to stop him from sawing off the rest of them! [laughs]
Martin
[on edge, shouts] What's keeping you guys with that box?!
Frasier
Here it is, dad. Gosh, this is a virtual treasure trove of memorabilia.
Niles
[opens it up:] Choir ribbon... Most Improved Badminton... Tap Dance certificate.
Martin
I remember going through that box with your mother. She always knew just what to say to cheer me up. "So what if the trophy says baking instead of baseball, Marty? Catchers' mitts or oven mitts, they're our little champions."
Niles
Oh wait, these are report cards. This might be something. [opens an envelope] Well here they are. Congratulations, Frasier - 129.
Martin
Is that good?
Niles
Good? It's practically genius. Bravo, Frasier.
Frasier
That's enough, Niles. Now where are you? Higher or lower?
Niles
I haven't seen mine yet. I am... [reads it] higher.
Frasier
Well, congratulations. I doff my hat to you, Mr. 131.
Niles
Higher!
Frasier
What do you mean, higher? Mom told us we were two points apart.
Niles
Well, apparently Mom was being tactful.
Frasier
How tactful?
Niles
Well...
Frasier
Gimme that!
Frasier
156. My God, that's...
Niles
Twenty-seven points.
Frasier
Yes, I know.
Martin
I never should have told you guys about the box.
Frasier
No, no, Dad. I'm fine about this. The entire point of this exercise was to prove that Niles and I have moved beyond our competitiveness. And we have. I'm very proud of my kid brother.
Niles
Thank you. And I am proud of how mature you are being about all this. In fact, if it were a test for maturity I think your score would be much...
Frasier
That's enough, Niles. You know, I suggest we go ahead and call it a night, Niles. We want to be nice and refreshed for our meeting with the three geniuses tomorrow. Oops, or in my case - the four geniuses.
Niles
Oh, now you. [they all laugh] Good night, Dad. Well, I'll meet you at the restaurant.
Frasier
[yawns] Good night, Niles.
Niles
Okay.
Frasier
Sleep tight.
Frasier
Daphne! Is that university library open all night?
Daphne
I think so, why do you ask?
Frasier
Oh, for God's sake. Do you think I'm going to let my little brother humiliate me tomorrow?
Martin
What are you talking about?
Frasier
Dad, he is smarter than I am. Niles will be sitting there rambling on to the geniuses about the cosmos, black holes, matter, antimatter, and I won't matter at all. [enters to the kitchen] I'm going to have to make myself a nice thermos full of coffee and get down to that library. [starts with coffee pot]
Martin
Oh Frasier, what do you think you're gonna learn in one night?
Frasier
Just enough to ask some informed questions, Dad. I may not have a 156 IQ, but I'm a quick study. Daphne, is there something wrong with this coffee pot?
Daphne
You have to plug it in!
Frasier
Well there, you won't have to tell me that again!
Frasier
Hello, Niles.
Niles
Frasier. Sleep well last night?
Frasier
Oh yes, like a baby!
Niles
Like a baby with library privileges. I know what you did.
Frasier
How?
Niles
The way you rushed me out of there last night, I sensed something was up. So I waited in my car and sure enough, ten minutes later you tore out of the garage.
Frasier
Niles, I'm so sorry. It's just that...
Niles
No, no, no, I don't want to hear any more of your facile excuses.
Frasier
Good Lord, gesundheit!
Niles
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I think your competitiveness has sunk to a new low. I'm ashamed of you.
Frasier
I'm terribly sorry. It's just that I'm so insecure about even coming to this luncheon at all.
Frasier
You just scratched your ear. [realizes] You were at the library too!
Niles
I was most certainly was not.
Frasier
The only thing that makes you sneeze and scratch your ear is your parchment mite allergy. So, that was you sneezing from behind the stacks all night.
Niles
[sneezes] I had to go. I knew you'd be racing through those scientific journals faster than a proton in a particle accelerator.
Frasier
Oh, stop showing off. [Niles sneezes] You know, speaking of accelerating particles, why don't you do something about that sneezing?
Niles
[gets some pills from his pocket] Well, I took some of these before, but they're obviously not as strong as I thought they were. I'm going to take a couple more.
Frasier
Niles, why don't you just go home and go to bed?
Niles
[slurred] Well, that is exactly what you'd like for me to be happening.
Frasier
What did you just say?
Niles
Well, if you didn't repeat it the first time, I'm not gonna listen to it.
Frasier
That medication is affecting your speech, you've just taken a second dose of it. For God's sake, you're going to make a fool out of yourself.
Niles
Well, you should talk! Look at your shaky hands and your twitching eyes. You were up all night drinking coffee all night last night, weren't you?
Frasier
I am not twitching, you will not psych me into twitching! [twitches uncontrollably]
Waiter
Gentlemen, may I offer you... [to Frasier] Sir, is your eye bothering you?
Frasier
No, it's fine!
Waiter
Can I get you something to drink?
Frasier
Yes, some coffee. Decaf!
Niles
[scratching his ear] I'd like a cup of... tea, sounds nice.
Frasier
Niles, you know what, you should leave. You're embarrassing yourself, for God's sakes
Niles
I'm never leaving while you're still not leaving. You know you had the good bed.
Frasier
Well, now you're just hallucinating.
Niles
When we moved to Wallace Lane and we shared a room and you got to pick where you would be to having your... sleeping. [puts his left elbow in the butter]
Frasier
Niles, the beds were identical. Oh, why am I even bothering, explaining this to a man who has his elbow in the butter!
Niles
[shows Frasier his other, right, elbow] Well, who's [slurred] hallucinationing now?
Frasier
Niles, have you taken these pills before?
Niles
No, but they've fixed my nose. [scratches his ear] I just wish they wouldn't make me so hyper.
Frasier
For God's sake, you've spilled water all over me, you jackass. Just give me another napkin.
Niles
Ooh, Napkin, hello, napkin!
Frasier
Niles, wake up, wake up!
Zafrin
Excuse me?
Frasier
Oh, Dr. Zafrin. Goodness, this is quite an honour.
Frasier
Allow me to introduce Dr. Niles Crane.
Frasier
Oh, hello Niles, I'm surprised to see you up so soon. Are you all right?
Niles
I feel, uh, not bad. A little dry. When I blink it makes a scratching noise.
Frasier
Let me get you a little water, here.
Niles
Thank you. [gets some water] Well, how long did we last the lunch?
Frasier
Well, not too long. Nine thousand dollars doesn't buy the leisurely lunch it used to. [laughs]
Niles
Wait a minute, I thought it was eight thousand.
Frasier
No, no, you knocked over the aquarium on the way out. You know, whenever I feel envy about your IQ again, I'll just conjure up the image of you sprawled out on the bed of live koi - weeping and desperately trying to revive that little plastic diver.
Niles
Oh, dear.
Martin
All right, Niles? Hurry up with those patties, I got five more pounds in the fridge.
Frasier
Right, Dad. [Martin goes back to the balcony] Dad's having his poker chums over to give him a hand with the barbecue. You can give me a hand here.
Niles
[starts making patties] When's it going to end, Frasier - all this obsessive competitiveness?
Frasier
Probably never, Niles. Whether it started with seeking Mom's approval or some other insecurity, we're locked in a pattern now that we'll probably never get out of.
Niles
That sounds bleak.
Frasier
No, no, not necessarily. There have been some benefits to it. I probably wouldn't have done so well at school if it hadn't had been for my fear that I'd be bested by my brainy little brother.
Niles
Well, I was certainly spurred on by your success as well. Why else would I have joined the chess club and the drama club and the key club? And what other possible reason would there be for spending an entire summer training a seeing-eye dog? Aside from helping the blind.
Frasier
You know what, I might not have pushed myself on to Harvard and Oxford.
Niles
Well, I might not have been led to psychiatry, which has been the saving grace of my life.
Frasier
You see, Niles, frankly we both have a lot to thank each other for. We've come a long way from those two little boys just starving for a parent's approval.
Martin
How are they coming?
Frasier
Oh, just great, Dad. We're going as fast as we can. Here you are. [gives him the first batch]
Martin
Nice job on those patties.
Frasier
Thank you.
Niles
You really think so?
Martin
Yeah, not too thick, not too thin, tight enough to hold their shape. Perfect!
Frasier
Thank you, Dad.
Niles
Just wait until you see the next batch.
Frasier
Yeah!
Niles
I'm surprised you let him keep that out there.
Frasier
Oh well, it's a bit of an eyesore, and frankly kind of a fire hazard. But what the hell? It makes him happy.
Niles
You lodged an anonymous complaint with the building, didn't you?
Frasier
It'll be gone by Thursday.