Frasier's Curse

Niles

That was a very childish prank. Now you have ruined my coffee! If you can't behave like adults you shouldn't be coming to a grown-up café!

Girl

It wasn't us!

Girl

Aren't you going to yell at them?

Niles

They'll have already heard me yell at you.

Frasier

Niles, thank you for agreeing to meet me on such short notice, I swear I am in a full-blown crisis.

Niles

If you are talking about that garish belt, I have emergency suspenders in my car.

Frasier

It's not the belt! My high-school reunion is tonight and you know my history.

Niles

Oh, not this folderol again.

Frasier

It's not folderol!

Niles

It's folderol.

Frasier

It is not folderol! Every time my reunion comes around, it coincides with a severe downturn in my life. Five years ago Lilith divorced me; five years before that I was left at the altar; five years before that I fell face first into the poison ivy! And here we are right on schedule, I'm freshly fired!

Niles

I still don't know why you even went that poison ivy year.

Frasier

The point is, in ten minutes I have an extremely important job interview - a job which I am eminently qualified for, but now I have no chance of getting.

Niles

How can you know that?

Frasier

Because destiny won't allow it! Destiny plans for me to walk into that reunion this evening the way I always do, the class loser! Pitied and shunned by everyone until I end up sitting with the most pathetic people there.

Niles

You mean... the chess club?

Frasier

Worse! The chess club's barbershop quartet.

Niles

Oh, the Checkmates!

Frasier

I swear to God, I feel like I have a curse on my head!

Niles

Frasier, you are a man of science. You know curses don't exist. There's a perfectly rational explanation for all of this. You tripped and fell into the poison ivy; your radio station changed formats; your wife didn't love you.

Frasier

If this is a pep talk, would you kindly segue way to the peppy part?

Niles

The only reason why you're giving credence to this curse mumbo-jumbo is because you're nervous about your job interview. You're an intelligent man, any station would be lucky to have you, wouldn't they?

Frasier

Yes, I suppose.

Niles

You must stop doubting yourself. You deserve that job, so go out there and get it. In an hour's time it'll be yours, and after a short trip to the store to return that belt, you will thoroughly enjoy your reunion.

Frasier

Well, you're right, Niles. I should think positive. This interview will go just fine and so will this evening. All I have to do now is get a date - where the hell am I going to find a woman who's so desperate for an evening out she'd agree to go to someone else's reunion?

Roz

[enters] Hello, Frasier.

Niles

See, your luck's changing already!

Frasier

Hello, excuse me, I'm looking for Stephen Rugley's office.

Rugley

Well, you've come to the right place.

Frasier

Oh, splendid. Is it possible for you to fetch me a coffee before my interview?

Rugley

Well, er...

Frasier

Oh, better yet, make it a cup of Chamomile tea, a squirt of lemon and a full teaspoonfull of honey.

Rugley

We'll try to get that for you as soon as my assistant gets back. Er, I'm Stephen Rugley. President of KJMC.

Frasier

[laughs] Lord, it's nice to meet you. I'm terribly sorry.

Rugley

All right Dr. Crane - it's a great suit, by the way.

Frasier

Thank you.

Rugley

You're....

Frasier

I know, it's a bit risky. People have been commenting on it all day.

Frasier

It makes a bold statement, but frankly I like it! I came through the park on the way over here and it caught the eye of many a young lady!

Frasier

Oh God, my fly! I thought you were talking about my belt.

Rugley

Well, shall we start the interview?

Frasier

Oh, good. We haven't started yet! Well...

Rugley

I'm glad you could make it, Dr. Crane. I've enjoyed your work.

Frasier

Oh, that's very gracious of you, Mr. Ugly. [realises what he said:] Oh, dear God, I just said...

Rugley

What do you mean?

Frasier

Oh, I just said your name right now and it sounded like I called you Mr. Ugly. I assure you it won't happen again. It's just a matter of seperating the r's. [practicing:] Mr. Rug, Mr. Rug, Mr. Rug...

Frasier

...ley. Mr. Rugley.

Rugley

Anyway, I think you might be a good fit here. We need to find a replacement for Dr. Wendy.

Frasier

Really?

Rugley

Yes, we didn't feel it was quite right to keep her on any longer.

Frasier

Well, let me say I applaud your judgement on that score. I mean, frankly, Dr. Wendy's saccharine style - it may be very popular, but you know, it's really not up to your standards, is it?!

Rugley

Dr. Wendy's my mother. She's quite ill.

Assistant

Can I interrupt?

Frasier

Oh, please!

Assistant

You have some messages.

Rugley

Excuse us for a moment?

Frasier

Of course.

Assistant

Mr. Jaminson has to cancel.

Rugley

Oh, very well. Why don't you call Phyllis Monderat and she if she can reschedule.

Rugley

Oh, and see if you can pick up my car from the shop.

Assistant

I already did. It's across the street. Somebody parked this BMW in your space.

Rugley

Well, have it towed!

Assistant

I already made the call.

Rugley

Dr. Crane?

Frasier

[facing away:] Yes?

Rugley

We don't have any tea, but would you like some coffee?

Frasier

That'll be splendid, yes, thank you.

Rugley

What was that?

Frasier

Nothing.

Rugley

[sees second bit drop:] Is this my giraffe from my cabinet?

Frasier

Yes, it is. I'm sorry, I was admiring it and it broke apart in my hands. But you know, if your child is anything like mine, he'd be delighted to make you a new one!

Rugley

Actually, my father made it after his stroke.

Frasier

Well, I think you've got enough to go on. It was lovely meeting you.

Frasier

Oh, well I'm going to have to rush if I'm gonna beat that tow-truck.

Martin

Hold the elevator, Niles. Thanks.

Niles

Hi, Dad. [the doors close]

Martin

I'm never going to that grocery store across the street again. They gave me such a hard time just because I brought Eddie in.

Niles

Well, it's not exactly sanitary, dad.

Martin

Oh yeah? Well, when they get rid of the guy with pinkeye who's handing out cheese samples, then they can talk to me about sanitary.

Niles

[notices trolley is full of dog food:] Didn't you bring home a case of dog food yesterday?

Martin

Yeah! It was the economy stuff, he wouldn't touch it, so I've got to take all of it back. This is his favorite kind.

Niles

[looks at it:] Well, I guess what they say is true: Once you've tasted animal by-products you can't go back to the cheap stuff! Hey, will you pick the restaurant for tonight?

Martin

Hey, I've got a better idea than that! My old precinct's having one of their seized property auctions down at the fairgrounds.

Niles

Oh, what's the better idea?

Martin

Come on, Niles, these drug dealers have some pretty nice stuff!

Niles

I guess I've been searching for a wide-brimmed purple velvet hat... It's not quite, er, me.

Martin

I tell you what, we'll just go for a little while and then we'll come back here for dinner.

Daphne

Am I glad you're home.

Martin

What's wrong?

Daphne

Dr. Crane! Ever since he came back from his job interview he seemed awfully depressed. In fact, he's as bad as I've ever seen him!

Niles

Oh, I guess it didn't go well.

Daphne

I gather not. He mumbled something about it being worse than the Dresden premiere of Schumann's Second Symphony.

Niles

[alarmed:] And you left him alone?!

Daphne

He's in the kitchen!

Niles

Frasier!

Niles

Oh my God! Frasier, are you all right?

Frasier

I was fine before you screamed, what the hell's wrong with you?

Niles

Well, Daphne said you were depressed and here you are with your head in the oven.

Frasier

I was cleaning it, Niles. It's electric.

Frasier

If I wanted to end my life I'd choose something faster than broiling.

Martin

Sorry your interview didn't go well, Fras.

Frasier

Oh, it's alright, Dad. You know, things don't work out the way we'd like them to sometimes. [watches Daphne push the trolley by with Eddie in] Much like my strict, "No shopping trolleys in the apartment policy."

Martin

Don't worry about it. I'll take it back, but I need to return all that cheap dog food.

Frasier

You know, Dad, I'm going down to pick up some cleaning supplies, I'll do it.

Martin

Well, I thought you needed to get ready for the reunion?

Frasier

Oh God, no, I'm not going!

Martin

Why?

Frasier

Because I'm cursed. If I wasn't convinced before today's interview, I certainly am now.

Martin

But you haven't even heard anything. For all you know you might have gotten it. [doorbell sounds]

Frasier

Believe me, dad. I have a better chance of being crowned "Miss Teen USA."

Frasier

Oh, dear God!

Roz

[about Frasier's dress:] Well, just how casual is this thing tonight?

Frasier

Roz, I'm so sorry, I completely forgot to call and tell you that, well, we're not going!

Roz

Wait a second! I found a babysitter at the last minute. I got a new dress, I got Michelle to do my hair and just spent the last hour listening to the Estee Lauder lady describing her bladder operation just so I could get a free makeover. And now you're saying we're not going?

Frasier

Roz, I can't go. You see, I have a curse on my head.

Roz

What curse?

Niles

He thinks the Fates are conspiring to humiliate him at every reunion.

Martin

Oh come on, you don't really believe that, do you?

Frasier

All right, let's examine the evidence. Daphne, would you assist me, please? [hands her a paper:] This is my school newsletter.

Daphne

[reads] The Bryce Academy Crier!

Niles

Which, coincidentally, was Frasier's nickname the first year he was there.

Frasier

Go to page eight! Scott Alexander, what's he been up to?

Daphne

Wife, kids, has his own computer software business.

Frasier

Patsy Curds.

Daphne

Mother of three, successful physician, has invented a drug that may aid in the treatment of cancer.

Frasier

Won't they go green with envy when I top them all with this story of my life: Frasier Crane, unattached, unemployed and living with his father. He spends his days scrubbing his oven and is anxiously awaiting his upcoming tooth cleaning.

Martin

Now, now, Frasier. Everyone has their ups and downs. You know, for all we know that cure for cancer didn't pan out either.

Niles

[gives Martin a look, then deadpan:] One can only hope, Dad.

Daphne

I bet if you just went in there with a sunny attitude, you'd have a good time.

Frasier

No, I tried sunny last time, you know where it got me? Table 97, singing "Goodbye my Coney Island Baby" with the Checkmates.

Roz

Well, maybe this time will be different.

Frasier

That's the mistake I always make. Thinking that this year it will be different, that I can beat the curse. Well, that's because it makes you think you can beat it but you can't! So, Roz, I apologize, I'll make this up to you some day. But right now, I'm going to go down to the store and run a little errand for my friend Eddie! And then I'm coming back home and spending the evening with Daphne, doing some light housework and listening to my new psychoanalysis tape: "Depression, Anxiety and Death" as read by the author himself, Stanislav Monk.

Daphne

[half in tears:] Now who's cursed?!

Frasier

Excuse me, sir, there's a place to recycle those cans right over there.

Man

Oh, I know. [puts them in and walks off]

Frasier

[angry:] On behalf of Mother Earth, I thank you!

Frasier

That's the sort of person who drinks chocolate soda.

Percy

Frasier Crane.

Frasier

Yes. [realises:] Percy Williams, ho-ho, good to see you. I suppose you're on your way to the reunion.

Percy

Yes, yes I am.

Frasier

I couldn't make it this year myself. A little too much on my Plate, things have gotten crazy.

Percy

I see there, I heard you went off the radio.

Frasier

You did?

Percy

You know, my wife heads up a charity that helps get homeless people back on their feet.

Frasier

Yes, I know. The Scrap Foundation, it's very popular in my circle.

Percy

You should call, they could help you.

Frasier

Me? [realises and laughs] Oh, that's very funny. The shopping cart with all the dog food. I'm afraid you're suffering from the wrong impression.

Percy

Dog food?

Frasier

Oh, it's not mine. It's my father's.

Percy

Oh, Frasier...

Frasier

No, really, you're mistaken: I'm not homeless. I live in that luxury building right there. [Percy obviously doesn't believe him] Number 1901.

Percy

Frasier, take this. [hands him money]

Frasier

I don't need it. I drive a BMW, I collect African art.

Percy

You always were a proud one.

Frasier

I'm not proud.

Percy

Then take it! For God sakes, spend it on food.

Frasier

I just threw out a $200 belt!

Daphne

Hey, how was the police auction?

Martin

Oh, you didn't miss anything. Especially when it started raining.

Niles

I made out like a bandit! [laughs at the pun] Those drug lords have the most incredible taste: Christophle, silver, Limogés. Oh, Morivors chrystal. If I ever get married again, I'm going to register there.

Frasier

Hello, all.

Niles

I thought you were staying home?

Frasier

Yes, well, not any more. I ran into Percy Williams down at the grocery store. He mistook me for a street person. If I don't get down there and defend myself he'll be passing around that rumor along with the Swedish meatballs.

Daphne

Well, I'm glad you're going, Dr. Crane. You'll have a nice time, and you look great.

Frasier

Thank you.

Roz

You have no idea how big you owe me!

Frasier

Yes I do, Roz, and I will never ask you for another favor again - except could you possibly do something with your hair? It seems to be leaning.

Roz

Frasier, when you called I was in the tub with a pint of Ha�gen-Daaz - considering that was fifteen minutes ago I think I look pretty good.

Frasier

I appreciate it, Roz, I really do. Daphne, could you please help Roz getting finished?

Roz

I am finished.

Frasier

No, no, no, finish more. And... remember what I told you.

Roz

Oh yeah, right: I'm a model-slash-doctor-slash-daughter of the Duke of Luxembourg.

Daphne

Yes, come along, Your Grace.

Niles

Frasier, are you actually so desperate that you're trying to impress those people by having Roz pretend to be some sort of trophy girlfriend?

Frasier

[correcting:] Trophy duchess! Niles, it's the only way to beat the curse.

Niles

You can beat the curse by not going.

Frasier

I tried that, Niles, you see where that got me. The curse found a way to humiliate me in absentia. I've got to get down there.

Niles

Why? To win the approval of some virtual strangers.

Frasier

I know it sounds foolish, Niles...

Niles

No, it's not foolish. It's human. I think it's all about the feelings of inferiority you've been carrying with you since high school. That's the real curse. Only, you're not the Bryce Crier anymore, you're a successful man. You have an opportunity for real growth here. Not by trying to impress these people, but by realizing that they don't matter anymore.

Frasier

Oh, Roz, you look beautiful!

Roz

Thank you.

Frasier

But we're not going!

Roz

What?!

Frasier

It's got something to do with my personal growth. You see, I don't care about these people anymore and you know, I want them to know it.

Roz

Frasier, I hired a babysitter twice, I did my makeup twice, I performed a miracle of engineering by taping myself into this dress twice - only to be stood up twice!

Frasier

Roz, technically you only did your hair once.

Roz

[shouts] Shut up! [hits him with her handbag] You know, some day you're gonna need another favour from me, buddy, and when that day comes, I hope you know what you can do with it.

Frasier

I have a pretty good idea.

Roz

Well, do it twice!

Frasier

Well, that was something.

Niles

Please, you call that a tantrum? Maris used to do that once a week. The poor thing needed help slamming the door!

Martin

[enters:] Frasier, I was just talking to Duke on the phone and your agent flicked in. She was calling from a pay phone and she couldn't really talk, but she said that KPOV wants you to host your own show for them.

Frasier

My own television show!

Daphne

On KPOV! [they all congratulate him]

Frasier

Thank you, all.

Niles

I just realised. This is an even bigger opportunity for personal growth. Having a prestigious new job like this and not even going to the reunion to boast about it!

Frasier

It's a great opportunity, isn't it!

Niles

Have a good time.

Frasier

I will.

Niles

I must say, Frasier did have a run of bad luck this week. I'm certainly glad it worked out better for him.

Martin

No, he didn't really get a call, I just made it all up.

Niles

His agent didn't call?

Martin

No, I just wanted to give the guy something to brag about.

Niles

Dad, I know you were trying to help, but don't you think that's a little risky? What if somebody at the reunion knows it's not true?

Martin

Oh, no, you worry too much. Who's gonna know? I mean most of these people are from out of town, they've probably never heard of KPOV!

Daphne

I knew it! When you said KPOV, I thought it sounded familiar and it's right here in Dr. Crane's newsletter. His classmate, Calvin Gurdstone, was just made station manager. Won't that be nice for them; they'll be working together now. [exits to kitchen again]

Niles

Oh, my God!

Martin

Oh, come on, it'll be all right, don't worry about it. This Gurdstone probably won't even show - he's just got a new job, he's probably real busy.

Niles

Well, you're right. I musn't assume the worst. I'm acting like Frasier, as if there really is a curse.

Daphne

Look here, he's also serving as this year's reunion coordinator.

Frasier

Hi, fellas.

Checkmate

Hi.

Frasier

Hit it.

Checkmate 1

Hello...

Checkmate 2

Hello...

Checkmate 3

Hello...

Frasier

Hello...

Checkmates

Goodbye, my Coney Island baby, Farewell, my own true love, true love-

Frasier

Oh, honey!

Checkmates

I'm gonna go away and leave you, Never to see you any-

Frasier

Never gonna see you any-

Checkmates

I'm gonna sail upon that ferry boat...