Dr. Nora

Frasier

Hello, Niles.

Niles

Frasier, was that the author Dr. Gordon Edelstein?

Frasier

Yes.

Niles

I wasn't aware you knew him!

Frasier

Yes, well, we just met. You see, the station is hiring another call-in psychiatrist for a one-week trial period, and they've asked me to choose among the finalists.

Niles

Well, he'd be wonderful! I just finished his book on the victims of obsessive-compulsive disorder. [wiping down his chair] Poor, tic-ridden devils! [sits]

Frasier

Niles, before you take out your utensil chamois, I've got to tell you I have another interview in just a few minutes, all right? Though it's going to be tough to top Dr. Edelstein.

Niles

I must say, you're taking this rather well.

Frasier

What do you mean.

Niles

Many people in your position would feel threatened at the thought of... well, another cat sharing the litter-box.

Frasier

Your flattering analogy aside, Niles, I take it as a tribute. Obviously, the station is so pleased with my show that they're looking for more of the same. They could hardly ask me to do another three hours. Imagine how exhausting that would be.

Niles

And for you as well. Anyway, moving on to me, what's the verdict?

Frasier

Verdict?

Niles

On my new look. I must say, you deserve some of the credit.

Frasier

Really?

Niles

Well, yes, you keep saying I should accept Daphne's relationship with Donny and find a paramour of my own. Well, the hunt is on! I thought to bolster my self-esteem I would adopt this raffish new look!

Frasier

Well, it suits you. Dashing, and yet understated, and, uh... oh, I give up, what are we talking about?

Niles

My mustache. [stretches his upper lip] I grant you, it's at an early stage.

Frasier

What stage, Research & Development?

Nora

Dr. Crane? Dr. Nora Fairchild.

Frasier

Oh yes, of course. Welcome.

Nora

I can't tell you what a privilege this is. I listened to your show today, and I was amazed! I hope that doesn't sound too fawning.

Frasier

Oh, fawning is just fine. Fawning is fun!

Nora

I hope I'm not interrupting another interview?

Frasier

No, no, this is my brother, Niles Crane. He was just about to leave.

Nora

I should have known you two were brothers. The same superb fashion sense, the same refined yet masculine good looks. [to Niles] You must be so proud of your kid brother, the radio star.

Niles

Well, yes. Congratulations on your new job, I hope you'll be very happy at KACL.

Nora

Isn't that a bit premature?

Niles

Oh well, let's just say I know my little brother.

Nora

I want to thank you both for making me and my producer feel so welcome. Is everyone around here as friendly as you two?

Frasier

Well...

Roz

Well, hello there!

Frasier

Some are even friendlier. This is my producer, Roz Doyle.

Nora

Dr. Nora, and this is my producer, George.

Roz

Nice to meet you.

George

Hello.

Roz

Follow me and I'll give you the lay of the land.

Frasier

Let's just hope that's a figure of speech, not a sales pitch. Well, Nora, please, please, do come in, make yourself at home. [she sits in his chair] Here we are, get settled in. Here's your headset, of course the phone lines, everything's pretty self-explanatory, cough button, on-air button. Listen, I want you to remember it's all right to be nervous. Even my first show was a tad bumpy.

Kenny

"Bumpy?" [laughs] It was a train wreck! "Medic, we got incoming!"

Frasier

Yes, thank you, Kenny. As I recall, you weren't even here then.

Kenny

Oh, I got a tape of it from my Secret Santa. Break a leg, Dr. Nora.

Nora

Thank you.

Frasier

I'll get out of your hair. Godspeed, Dr. Nora.

Roz

What are you smirking about?

Frasier

Oh, gosh, it's just so much fun to have a protégé. You see the way she behaves towards me? It's like a shy Japanese novice bowing before her Frasier sensei!

Roz

I feel a bow coming on myself. Could you pass me that wastebasket?

Frasier

Stop it! Shh, she's about to start. I just want to catch the beginning, make sure she's got those first-show jitters under control.

Nora

All right, let's get right to our first caller. Whom do we have?

George

We have Jenny from Tacoma on line one.

Nora

Hello, Jenny, I'm Dr. Nora and I'm here to help.

Jenny

[v.o.] Hi, Dr. Nora. My boyfriend and I have been living together for about two years—

Nora

Are you having sex?

Jenny

Our sex life's not the problem, it's great. But whenever I mention marriage he changes the subject. Do you think that he's afraid of commitment?

Nora

No, that's it. Let me help you see this from a different perspective.

Nora

You're a whore, Jenny.

Jenny

Huh? A-a whore?!

Nora

You're sleeping with a man you're not married to. In my book, that's a whore.

Jenny

I-I'm not a whore! I'm a flight attendant!

Nora

Oh, you think there's no overlap?

Roz

Well, she's got her jitters under control!

Nora

Wake up, Jenny, you've blown it! Dump this creep! Find a new guy, and until you're Mrs. New Guy you keep those knees together, OK? Staple them! I don't care if you have to hop to the altar! [laughs] God bless, honey. Who's next?

Niles

Hello, Daphne.

Daphne

Hello.

Niles

Notice anything?

Daphne

[pause, then] Oh yes, don't you look dashing! Blue really is your color. Hold still, though, there's something on your lip. [holds his chin and wipes his lip with the dishrag] Oh, wait, it's some sort of hair.

Niles

Actually, it's a mustache.

Daphne

Oh yes, so it is. Still a bit on the wispy side. Yeah, puts me in mind of my Grammy Moon. Or rather it will, once it's grown in a bit.

Frasier

Turn on the radio.

Martin

Something the matter?

Frasier

Just turn the radio on to KACL, please.

Nora

[v.o.] Listen to me, you have a child! You think you have the right to get divorced just because you're tired of your husband?

Jill

[v.o.] But he's gay!

Nora

You picked him. You made a baby with him. Maybe you got him drunk, maybe you dressed up as Antonio Banderas, I don't care! Just make it work!

Niles

Well, that's a bit harsh!

Frasier

Oh, please. This is a woman who believes the Spanish Inquisition was just tough love for heretics!

Martin

You know, we were listening to her while I was doing my exercises, and I don't think she's so bad.

Frasier

Excuse me?!

Martin

Well, it's nice to have someone stand up for old-fashioned values. Like sex. I mean, I'm no prude, but in my day sex was still something sacred, and mysterious. Nowadays, you can't even turn on the television without seeing all this "Ooh-ooh, Ah-ah" stuff!

Frasier

Well, I think that explains our ninety dollar cable bill this month!

Daphne

I liked her too. She reminds me of my old mum. She'll point out every little flaw you've got, remind you of every mistake you ever made, tell you you're lazy, you'll never amount to anything, and no good man will ever have you. But, it's just because she loves you! In fact, I think I'll give old Mum a call!

Martin

You know, if you hate her so much, why did you hire her?

Frasier

Well, I didn't know she was going to behave this way! She said all the right things at the interview.

Niles

Ho-ho, she certainly did! She complimented his clothes, his looks, she even pretended to believe I was the older brother. Of course, the mustache may have clouded her judgment on that.

Martin

She has a mustache?

Frasier

Well, like it or not, I am responsible for her being here. I'll just have to have a talk with her. Tell her to soften her approach a bit before she alienates her entire audience. I mean, really, people can tell the difference between constructive criticism and outright abuse!

Daphne

No, Mum, my boyfriend hasn't dumped me for someone prettier and smarter yet! [laughs; to the gang] She's such an old tease.

Frasier

Until tomorrow, then, this is Dr. Frasier Crane.

Frasier

Ah, Dr. Nora.

Nora

Such a frosty tone. Is something the matter?

Frasier

I have just one question—

Roz

What kind of vicious, judgmental, name-calling, machete- mouthed bitch are you?

Frasier

I was going for the less feisty version.

Roz

I heard what you said to that single mother yesterday. For your information, I happen to be a single mom too.

Nora

That doesn't surprise me after watching you pounce on poor George like a Kodiak bear on a salmon.

Roz

That does it...!

Frasier

Roz, Roz, stop it! I have to talk to Dr. Nora before her show. Now, just pencil the hair-pulling for later, all right?

Roz

All right. [to Nora] But this isn't over between us. If you want, I'll take this out on the street.

Nora

That would hardly be fair. You'd have the home field advantage. [laughs]

Frasier

Well, I don't even know where to begin.

Nora

Save it. Whatever it is, I've already heard it. "Dr. Nora is mean, Dr. Nora hurts people's feelings." Well, too bad. I'm not here to coddle people, I'm here to help them.

Frasier

Oh, really? And just how were you helping that poor, confused bisexual woman by calling her an "equal-opportunity slut?" You know, the worst thing about this is how you misrepresented yourself to get this job.

Nora

You're hardly one to question my ethics. We both know you hired me because you hoped I might sleep with you.

Frasier

That thought never occurred to me!

Nora

Now who's lying? You won't admit that, like most men, you leave all major decisions to your penis. Fortunately for Seattle, your penis chose right. It just didn't know why.

Frasier

Yes, well, you're just forgetting one thing, Dr. Nora. You are here on my recommendation, you may consider it withdrawn.

Kenny

Hey, Dr. Crane.

Frasier

Ah, Kenny, just the man I wanted to see.

Kenny

Dr. Nora — don't hit me! [laughs]

Frasier

I want to talk to you about Dr. Nora's show.

Kenny

Yeah, well, get in line. The switchboards were going nuts.

Frasier

I don't doubt it.

Kenny

They love you!

Frasier

Excuse me?!

Kenny

Well, except for the ones that hate you. But either way, they're listening. So you consider that option picked up.

George

Ten seconds.

Nora

Thank you, Kenny. Now get out of my booth.

Kenny

[acting scared] Ooh! [then, obedient] Yes, ma'am.

Frasier

Kenny, you can't be serious about hiring that woman full-time! Putting that woman behind a microphone is like putting Typhoid Mary in a kissing booth!

Kenny

I'm sorry, Doc. Ratings are ratings.

Tom

[v.o.] Hi, Dr. Nora, my name is Tom, and I have this co-worker who's really driving me up the wall. What can I do about it?

Nora

Not a thing, Tom. Not one damn thing.

Denise

[v.o.] Nothing I ever do is good enough for her. I baked a cake for her birthday, and she said it tasted like sawdust. I know she's my mother, but sometimes I just want to shut her out of my life.

Frasier

Oh, Denise, burning bridges solves nothing. I'd like to suggest that you seek family counseling to help you and your mother get to the root of some of these issues, provided your mother's willing to cooperate. If not, perhaps individual counseling would help. Will you stay on the line so Roz can give you some numbers?

Denise

O.K. Thank you, Dr. Crane.

Frasier

It's my pleasure. [looks over his shoulder and sees Nora's sour look] Well, I see through the glass that Dr. Nora either disagrees with me or has just eaten a bad clam. I'm sure she'll tell us which when the Dr. Nora show begins right after this traffic report from Chopper Dave.

Roz

O.K., Denise, I've got some numbers for you. Do you have a pen?

Frasier

Come on, Roz, hurry up. I'd like to get out of here before her trainer shows up with a bucket of live mice for her pre- show feeding.

Nora

I'm sorry to cut you off, Chopper Dave, but we have a therapy emergency. Denise, are you still on?

Denise

Yes.

Frasier

That's my caller!

Nora

Denise, I want you to ignore everything Dr. Crane just told you. I know a lot more about mothers that he does, and here is fact number 1: they don't change. Cut this woman out of your life.

Frasier

I don't believe this!

Denise

You don't think that with counseling—

Nora

Denise, when you have a tumor, what do you do? Do you sit it down and say, "Hey, tumor, let's get along, O.K.?" No, you take a knife and cut it out! Well, Denise, your mother is a tumor. My heart bleeds for you, because I have been there, and I know how hard it is to look at your own mother's face and say, "Bye-bye, you toxic harpy! You are not hurting me again!" But that is what you have to do.

Denise

I think maybe you're right.

Nora

I'm always right. And you know what else? I bet your cake was yummy. God bless, honey. Who's next?

George

We have Frasier, from here.

Frasier

[over booth phone] How dare you ambush Denise that way?

Nora

Oh well, what a surprise. I dare to give one of Frasier's callers a second opinion, and what does Frasier say?

Frasier

Ah, yes, sound effects! The therapist's best friend! You realize what you're doing is completely unprofessional? Denise called my show, she didn't ask for your opinion!

Nora

And I didn't ask for yours. [disconnects] Back to you, Chopper Dave.

Frasier

She cut me off! [storms into the booth] All right, let's just settle this. We don't like each other. But we're going to have to coexist here. So why don't we agree that I won't criticize you, and you won't criticize me. Do we have a deal?

Nora

No.

Frasier

No?!

Nora

No, I will undermine you every chance I get, because you, Dr. Crane, are a dangerous man!

Frasier

I'm dangerous?!

Nora

Yes. Seattle's Great Enabler. You tell tramps and fornicators that their problem is low self-esteem. They should have low self-esteem, they're going to hell!

Frasier

I take it back! You're not unprofessional — you're a freaking loon!

George

Five seconds.

Frasier

All right, if it's war you two want, it's war you'll get! Right, Roz?!

Roz

You don't actually buy all this "no sex" stuff of hers, do you?

George

Yeah.

Roz

Well, it's WAR!

Martin

Oh hi, Niles.

Niles

Hey, Dad. You probably noticed I shaved my mustache.

Niles

I decided a better way to change my look was to pump some iron.

Martin

Ah. So what, you joined a gym?

Niles

I certainly did. I start the minute my weight belt gets back from the monogrammer's.

Niles

Oh, Frasier, you free for dinner?

Frasier

Well, I suppose so, yes.

Daphne

Hey, look who I bumped into in the elevator.

Frasier

Roz!

Roz

I've been on the phone all day, digging up dirt on Dr. Nora, and you will not believe what I found!

Frasier

Really?

Roz

I called the station where she used to work, and they couldn't wait to dish her! [opens the file] For starters, she has no medical degree.

Frasier

What?

Roz

Her doctorate is in Physical Education!

Frasier

[ecstatic] She's a GYM TEACHER!

Niles

Wouldn't want to be the chubby kid in that gym class.

Martin

Or the boy in the monogrammed weight belt.

Frasier

Well, this is just dynamite, Roz!

Roz

Oh, that's not even half of it. Her name isn't Fairchild, she was born Mulhern, and Little Miss Family Values has two divorces behind her, and an affair with a married man!

Frasier

Tomorrow, I am going to drop this little bombshell to start my show, and end hers!

Martin

You know, Fras, when I was on the force, I went through a feud like this with Charlie Drucker, and believe me it's not worth it. I started out by making a joke about his chest.

Daphne

His chest?

Martin

Yeah, he was like a heavyset guy, and he had those, you know, "man-bosoms." So, he heard about it, and he got mad at me, and he wrote something about me on the men's room wall, and I should have just called it quits right there and then. But his name being "Drucker" brought out the poet in me. Then it just got worse and worse, and we both ended up looking like idiots.

Frasier

Well, Dad, I don't intend to get into a feud with her. I just want to get her off the air.

Niles

Yeah, but if you attack her like that, aren't you just descending to her level?

Frasier

You know, Roz, maybe they're right. I mean, look at what this woman has reduced me to already. Trading barbs, yelling over the air. Now I'm spreading rumors about her? Is that anyway for a psychiatrist to deal with conflict?

Roz

Don't you wimp out on me!

Frasier

Now, Roz, just think about it. There may be a better way. You know, Dr. Nora is clearly a damaged and angry woman. Maybe I could find out what's at the root of that anger, and help her, also proving that my method of therapy is the more valid one.

Roz

Why are you doing this to me?! Look, if you have a tumor—

Frasier

Roz, stop it!

Niles

You know, if you want to analyze her, you might start with that whole mother thing. I caught her show yesterday, and that certainly seemed to be a hot-button issue.

Frasier

Yes, it did, didn't it? They've been estranged for years. You know, perhaps we could find the woman and discover what caused this rift between them.

Niles

Maybe even effect a reconciliation.

Frasier

Of course, it won't be easy. We don't even know if the woman's still alive.

Daphne

Yes, all sorts of things could happen to a woman her age. Her mother could have had a heart attack, or a stroke.

Frasier

Exactly.

Daphne

[continuing merrily] She could be hit by a bus as she's coming out of the pub. Or fall asleep smoking a cigarette and be burned to a crisp right there in her smelly bed! Or she could fall off a ferry and be pulled down under the water, the roar of the waves drowning out her cries for help, until no one could hear that shrill voice of hers, not ever again! [finishes folding the laundry] Well, I'm all done with my darks.

Nora

Listen to me! You should be shunning this woman, not rewarding her with gifts! [disconnects] A baby shower for an unwed mother? Now I've heard it all. Who's next?

Frasier

Roz, did her mother get here all right?

Roz

Yes, but I'm begging you! We could drive a stake through that thing's heart right now!

Frasier

Roz, Roz, please trust me, my way is better. Get in here.

Frasier

Ah, Mrs. Mulhern. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane, it's such a pleasure to meet you.

Mulhern

Oh, Dr. Crane, I can't thank you enough for finding me and bringing me here.

Frasier

Well, I was so moved by your story. It's a joy to do this for you.

Mulhern

For twenty years I wondered where my little girl was, and if I'd ever see her again.

Roz

What did you two fight about to begin with?

Mulhern

Oh, I blame myself. I thought the man she wanted to marry wasn't good enough for her, so she eloped. And I've been so afraid the emphysema would finish me before I could ask her forgiveness and tell her I love her.

Frasier

[nearly in tears] Well, tell her you shall. Roz?

Nora

Forget couples' therapy, Allison. He is a loser! If you don't drop him right now, you deserve every bit of misery you get! God bless, honey. Who's next?

George

We have Frasier Crane on line one.

Nora

Frasier, you want to yell at me for that last call?

Frasier

No, although I do believe that a gifted therapist can help two people put aside their anger and heal the differences between them.

Nora

Blah, blah, blah.

Frasier

I have someone here with me today, someone you haven't seen for quite a while. There's something she'd like to tell you, something she's wanted to tell you for a very, very long time.

Frasier

Mrs. Mulhern?

Mulhern

You little whore!

Nora

MOTHER!

Mulhern

So, you thought you could get away from me, did you? Thought you could leave me to rot in that dump without barely enough cash for a bottle of Mateus! You'll pay for that, missy!

Roz

[jumping for joy] I was wrong, Frasier! Your way IS better!

Frasier

Mrs. Mulhern—

Mulhern

[shoves him out and locks the door] Keep out of this!

Nora

M-Mother, please! I am doing my show!

Mulhern

Yes, you're Little Miss Perfect now, aren't you? Telling everybody else how wicked they are! They should hear about your past!

Frasier

Mrs. Mulhern, please!

Mulhern

The shame you brought on me, you ungrateful tramp!

Nora

[crying] Mother, please, I'm a good girl now.

Mulhern

How you were paid — paid! — to leave town, by that nice boy's family.

Frasier

For God's sake, Nora, go to commercial!

Nora

There, Seattle, now you know what I mean when I say there are some people you just don't need in your life! [goes to commercial] Help me out, George!

Mulhern

What are they paying you here? I want my cut!

Nora

I knew that you hated me, but I just can't believe you could be so cruel!

Frasier

I was trying to help! She seemed delightful on the phone!

Mulhern

[knocking on the glass] I want fifty dollars right now!

Nora

HOW MANY TIMES WILL I HAVE TO MOVE BEFORE I'M FINALLY FREE OF HER?!

Frasier

[yelling after her] Nora, I'm sorry!

Mulhern

[yelling after her] You owe me, missy! I gave you life!

Roz

Frasier, we've got dead air!

Frasier

[hits "On Air"] Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. I'm sure Dr. Nora's listeners join me in hoping she and her mother can resolve these differences very soon. They're off to a bit of a bumpy start—

Frasier

But... at least the lines of communication are open!