When A Man Loves Two Women
Aired 6th May 1999 · Written by Alex Gregory & Peter Huyck · Directed by David Lee
Martin
You know what I could go for? Some fried eggs and bacon.
Daphne
[handing him a bowl] Here's your bran flakes.
Martin
Oh, fine!
Daphne
[calling] Don't give him any toast!
Martin
I'm not!
Martin
[giving Daphne paper] Lifestyle. [giving himself paper] Sports. [putting a huge chunk of paper on table] And recycling.
Daphne
Yes, we see you, Eddie - 8:00 on the dot.
Martin
Well, he's a dog, what do you expect? He's a creature of habit.
Frasier
Good morning, all. [they ad-lib hellos, he heads into the kitchen] Say, Dad. You remember that woman I went out with on Valentine's Day but I wasn't quite sure if it was a romantic thing?
Martin
Yeah, that new publicity woman at the station.
Frasier
Yes, Cassandra Stone. Well, I asked her out again last night and I got my answer.
Martin
[concluded] Oh, I'm sorry, Fras'.
Frasier
No, I'm not finished!
Martin
That's the spirit. You hang in there.
Daphne
You know, Dr. Crane, someone once said that long periods of abstinence can actually refresh the soul.
Cassandra
Morning, everyone!
Frasier
Yes, well that someone was me and I was full of it! Everyone, this is Cassandra.
Cassandra
You must be Frasier's dad. I've heard all about you.
Martin
[shaking her hand] Marty Crane.
Cassandra
Nice to meet you!
Martin
Well, nice to meet YOU too!
Cassandra
You are so cute! Now I see where Frasier got those gorgeous eyes.
Frasier
[laughing] Enough. This is Daphne Moon - my father's home health care worker. [Daphne extends her hand]
Cassandra
[quickly] Hello.
Martin
Are you going to join us for breakfast, Cassandra?
Cassandra
Oh, I could go for an English muffin.
Frasier
Well, perhaps our own English muffin could fetch that for you.
Frasier
Or I could get it-
Cassandra
No, I'll get it myself.
Martin
Way to go, Fras, I like her!
Daphne
Gee, I wonder why. [mimicking] "Now I see where Frasier gets those gorgeous eyes."
Frasier
Niles.
Niles
[entering] Hurry up and get dressed Frasier, we'll lose our court. I must warn you I may be unbeatable today. Our squash pro, Octavio, taught me a backhand slice that could shave the bristles off a kiwi fruit.
Frasier
Well Niles, I'm afraid we may have to reschedule today. You see, I... [innuendo] had a date last night.
Niles
[concluding] Oh, I'm sorry! Hey, but there's no sense moping around. A brisk game of squash would be the best thing for you - I can't think of a better way to lift your spirits.
Cassandra
[enters from kitchen] Good morning.
Frasier
[to Niles] Keep thinking.
Frasier
I tell you, Roz, the entire evening was pure magic.
Roz
Well, I'm happy for you. You have been in a dry spell, haven't you?
Frasier
Oh no, Roz, that was just the calm before the storm. I assure you, we are in the midst of a full-blown love hurricane. [laughs]
Roz
You were so much easier to be around when you were horny and pathetic.
Frasier
Oh, sorry Roz, I have been monopolizing the conversation. So what's going on with you?
Roz
Well, actually it has been a really exciting week. Of course Alice's first birthday party is this Sunday and we're having twelve of her little friends over. She loves bears, so the whole party's going to be this bear theme - party favours, bear cake; I'm going to dress up like a bear, I think, and do a little bear dance...
Roz
So, that's really great about you and Cassandra!
Frasier
[excited] Yes, we're really hitting it off, I think...
Faye
Frasier?
Frasier
Faye.
Faye
Hi.
Frasier
Oh my God, wow. Hi, it's been a while. Gosh, Faye Moskowitz, this is my producer, Roz Doyle. [they ad-lib hellos] So what have you been up to?
Faye
Well, I just got back from Paris.
Frasier
Really? I didn't even know you'd gone.
Faye
You didn't get my message?
Roz
Oh Frasier, before I forget: Faye called - she's going to France for a month. I'm sorry.
Faye
Well, it's great to see you. We should get together for coffee sometime.
Frasier
I'd love to.
Roz
[getting up] Well I'm on my way out, why don't you take my seat?
Faye
Uh, thanks. [to Frasier] If that's all right with you?
Frasier
Of course.
Faye
Great, well I'll put some money into my meter.
Frasier
What are you doing?! I can't have coffee with her.
Roz
Why not? Obviously she's still interested.
Frasier
I'm seeing Cassandra, for God's sakes. I can't date two people at once.
Roz
It doesn't have to be on the same night. Although if you're good at faking a headache and you don't mind getting changed in the car...
Frasier
Roz!
Roz
Well, did you tell Cassandra you were going to be exclusive to her?
Frasier
No...
Roz
So, then you're just dating. Relax, it's supposed to be fun. Just see where it takes you.
Frasier
Well, that sort of lifestyle is all right for some people, but not for me. I'm a one-woman man... if that!
Roz
Okay, suit yourself - keep it platonic.
Frasier
Well, that's easy for you to say. How do you tell somebody that you're attracted to them but you just can't sleep with them?
Roz
I guess you just say... you just say... I'll ask around.
Martin
You know what I feel like this morning? Some French toast and sausage patties.
Daphne
Here's your bran flakes.
Martin
Oh, fine.
Daphne
You're not giving him any toast, are you?
Martin
Of course not.
Frasier
Oh, good morning.
Daphne
Morning.
Martin
I didn't hear you come in last night. You have a date?
Daphne
Well, I guess that answers that.
Martin
Well, ease up there, Cassandra's a great gal - women like her don't come along every day.
Faye
Morning.
Daphne
No, they certainly don't!
Frasier
Dad, Daphne, you remember Faye.
Faye
Hi Martin, it's good to see you again.
Martin
Yeah, likewise.
Faye
And Daphne, you look gorgeous. Did you get your hair cut since the last time I saw you?
Daphne
[overwhelmed by compliments] Well, yes I did. Can I fix you some breakfast?
Faye
I have really got to run. I'm running late and I still have to call my friend at the museum to get tickets for that Seurat exhibit. I just hope it's not sold out.
Frasier
Well if it is: Que Seurat, Seurat. [laughs]
Faye
That was funnier the first time!
Frasier
Yeah. [they kiss]
Martin
What happened to Cassandra?
Daphne
Obviously he dumped her for someone better.
Frasier
I haven't dumped anyone.
Daphne
What, you mean you're dating both of them?
Frasier
No, I didn't intend to. It's just that - well, I ran into Faye yesterday and I was about to tell her about Cassandra. It's just that we were enjoying our coffee so much that coffee turned into dinner, and then dinner turned into drinks, and then drinks turned into, well... coffee again!
Frasier
Damn! I completely forgot I rescheduled squash with Niles. [shouts through door] Don't be angry at me for still being in my robe.
Cassandra
I won't, I wish I were in mine!
Frasier
Cassandra. [worried] What a surprise.
Cassandra
I brought you some pastries.
Frasier
Oh, isn't that thoughtful of you. [takes them]
Cassandra
[enters] Hi Martin, Dixie.
Frasier
[before Daphne erupts] Cassandra! You know, I'd love it if you could stay; [guides her back to the door] It's just that I've got to go and pick up my brother for a game of squash.
Niles
[enters] Morning, all.
Frasier
Well, isn't that a timesaver! You know, I've still got to go get dressed anyway, [opens door; hopefully] and I'll just see you back at the station?
Cassandra
Okay, alright, have a good day. [just then] Oh, you know, I'll just use the powder room.
Frasier
[whispering] This is a disaster!
Niles
What is?
Faye
Hi, Niles.
Niles
Oh, I'm up to speed!
Frasier
Morning.
Faye
Well, I guess I'll just be...
Faye
What?
Frasier
Uh, we just noticed there's a nest of baby hummingbirds on the balcony. And we're just keeping our voices down. You run along.
Faye
[skeptical] Hummingbirds made it to the 19th floor?
Frasier
Yes, well they're-they're Himalayan mountain hummers.
Faye
Uh huh.
Frasier
Very rare. Bye bye.
Faye
Okay, I'll see you later, Frasier. [they kiss]
Cassandra
What are you doing?
Frasier
[covering] I was just standing guard. The door is... lock's broken and sometimes Dad just wanders in.
Cassandra
Well, I know you've got your game so I'll just get out of your hair.
Frasier
Right.
Cassandra
Goodbye, everyone.
Frasier
Aren't I going to get a hug first?
Cassandra
Of course.
Cassandra
Are you alright?
Frasier
Oh yes, it's just so hard to say goodbye to you.
Frasier
Well, time's a wasting, off you go, bye-bye!
Niles
Got anymore hiding in the grotto, Hef?
Frasier
Oh, for God's sakes... oh, I'm just not up to this sort of thing - what made me think I could juggle?
Martin
I sure as hell don't know - you couldn't catch a balloon 'til you were ten.
Frasier
Yes, thank you, Dad! You see, my problem is that each of them appeals to different sides of my personality. Faye is artistic and cerebral and cultured, and Cassandra is passionate and fun and spontaneous.
Martin
Well, my vote sure goes for Cassandra.
Daphne
Oh, you would say that. Any young woman who shows you any attention, you're ready to sign over your pension check! I think he should go for Faye.
Martin
Oh, Faye, Faye - if he wants some boring, artsy-fartsy conversation, he's got Niles!
Frasier
Yes, well my point is that I'm really torn here. I feel as if I honestly cannot choose.
Niles
I think I might be able to help you with this. [takes out a quarter] Heads, it's Faye; Tails, Cassandra.
Daphne
[sarcastic] Oh, this is the sort of thing that makes a woman feel really special!
Frasier
Niles, you're actually going to flip a coin? The decision cannot be made that simply.
Martin
Well, it's not going to be that simple. The chances of Niles catching that quarter are about the same as you...
Frasier
Enough, Dad!
Niles
Just go with me on this, Frasier. Heads, it's Faye; tails, Cassandra.
Niles
And the winner is... [points at Frasier] Admit it! You want me to say one name more than the other.
Frasier
Niles, you're right, I do - Cassandra.
Martin/Daphne
[raising his arms] Yes!/Oh!
Niles
There you have it.
Frasier
Thank you, thank you, Niles. Wow, what a relief. You know, my life was perfectly happy before Faye came back, you know? Yes, yes, it's Cassandra - she's the one. Next time I see Faye I'll just have to tell her it's over. Oh gosh, Niles, I'm sorry - I'm afraid we've lost our court again. Do you mind if we reschedule it just once more?
Niles
All right, that's fine.
Martin
I've got to hand it to you, Frasier. You had a tough decision to make, but you made it. Heck, I can't even decide whether to have the strawberry or the grape jelly.
Niles
Well, Dad, I stil have my trusty quarter. Let's say heads, grape; tails, strawberry.
Martin
[shaking his head] You've got to wonder what goes on, on that squash court.
Martin
You know what I could go for this morning? A big old Spanish omelet.
Daphne
Here's your bran flakes.
Martin
What's that?
Daphne
Your yellow bowl broke in the dishwasher.
Martin
Well, don't you have another one?
Daphne
Afraid not.
Martin
Well - red, yellow - what difference does it make?
Martin
No, I don't like this red bowl - it's thrown everything off!
Daphne
You know, I think we do have another yellow bowl. Why don't you go and sit down and I'll fetch it for you.
Martin
Okay. [leaves]
Daphne
[takes Eddie's bowl] Back off, I need this!
Frasier
Oh, morning, Dad.
Martin
Everything go alright with Faye last night? She didn't take the breakup too hard, did she?
Frasier
Not really.
Martin
Well, I'm sure she realizes, pretty as she is, that she won't be alone for long.
Faye
Good morning, Martin.
Martin
What'd I tell you? [doorbell rings; to Faye] Hi, how you doing? I'll get this.
Faye
I had an incredible time last night.
Frasier
Me too. [kisses her]
Niles
Morning, all! [sees Frasier & Faye] Oh, forget it.
Frasier
Niles. [sits down]
Niles
Frasier.
Frasier
Glad you're here. Look, I'm so sorry about this morning.
Niles
Oh, oh, oh, not at all, I ended up playing an exhilarating game with Chip Emery.
Frasier
Oh.
Niles
I won two out of three sets, and if you recall, Chip was club champion four years running.
Frasier
Yes, and I also recall that that record comes with an asterisk: I believe his streak was interrupted by World War Two.
Niles
[pouring milk into his coffee] It was Korea and you know it!
Frasier
[to waiter] Can I have my usual, please?
Niles
So why was Faye at your apartment this morning?
Frasier
Well, actually I almost made a terrible mistake. Last night, I was prepared to break things off with her - and then suddenly we fell into this marvelous conversation about architecture. And as it turns out, she detests the design of the Bilbao art museum as much as I do.
Niles
[understanding] And you almost let her go.
Frasier
Yes, exactly! Well, you know, Cassandra is a wonderful woman. But, well, Faye and I have a, a deeper connection - and to be fair, actually, she was the first to plant her flag on "Terra Frasier."
Niles
I'm starting to think Napoleon had a Frasier complex.
Frasier
Yes, all right!
Frasier
Oh, there's Cassandra. I asked her here for coffee - I was going to tell her that we can't see each other any longer.
Niles
[getting up] Good luck.
Frasier
Thank you, thank you, Niles.
Frasier
Cassandra.
Cassandra
Hi, honey.
Frasier
Hi. [kisses her]
Cassandra
[to waiter] Double Espresso, please. [to Frasier] I have great news.
Frasier
Really?
Cassandra
Those new promos are working wonders. I just got the numbers and you're really scoring with women between the ages of 25 and 49.
Frasier
[breaking the ice] Well, that's not always a good thing.
Cassandra
You alright?
Frasier
Actually, I-I wanted to talk to you about our relationship. You see, I...
Cassandra
I know where we're going: a serious talk.
Frasier
You see, there comes a time in every relationship when you have to decide...
Cassandra
I know, whether we're going to be exclusive or not. I've been wanting to talk to you about that too.
Frasier
[happy] You have?
Cassandra
Yes. You see, I thought you should know that I've been seeing someone else.
Frasier
[confused] Really?!
Cassandra
Does that bother you?
Frasier
No, no, no, no, actually, not at all.
Cassandra
Oh, good.
Frasier
Anyway, what I wanted to say was that- [still worried] well, how long you been seeing this other fellow?
Cassandra
Not very long. You're not upset, are you?
Frasier
No, no, no, no. Actually, I was about to say- well, uh, what does he do?
Cassandra
He owns his own venture capital firm. Although he spends most of his time racing sail boats and rebuilding trails for the Sierra Club.
Frasier
Oh really, seems a little unfocused, doesn't he?!
Cassandra
You are upset, aren't you?
Frasier
No, no, no, no.
Cassandra
Really, there's no reason to be jealous of Sloan!
Frasier
[chuckling] Believe me, I am not jealous of Sloan! [licking his stirrer] If anything, I pity the man who has to go through life with a pretentious name like that!
Cassandra
Frasier!
Frasier
Alright, fine, fine. You know what, let's just drop the whole thing, alright?
Cassandra
Now, about those new promos....
Frasier
Cassandra, I want us to be exclusive!
Cassandra
What?
Frasier
Yes well, I'm the kind of person who can make a decision and commit to it. And I was hoping that you might be that sort of person too.
Cassandra
Frasier, I'm so touched. If you only want us to be with each other - that's great. I was supposed to see Sloan tonight, but I'm going to call him and cancel.
Frasier
Oh, that's wonderful - oh my god, that means we can spend the night together.
Niles
Looks like she took the news well - are you insane?!
Frasier
Niles, I almost made a terrible mistake.
Niles
What could possibly have happened in the last four minutes to make you change your mind again?
Frasier
Actually, when Cassandra told me that she was seeing somebody else, it awakened something in me.
Niles
Oh, petty jealousy?
Frasier
No! The realization that I couldn't bear to lose her.
Niles
Yes, and the minute you see Faye you'll reverse yourself again!
Frasier
No, no, I won't. I'll prove it to you. Cassandra is the one! I'm sure of it.
Frasier
[to Niles] Oh, her machine. [into phone] Yes, Faye - it's Frasier. Uh, listen, I won't be able to join you for dinner tonight, but perhaps you could call me later - we need to talk. [hangs up] There, I've done it. Nothing says, "It's over between us" quite like the phrase "we need to talk." You see, that was my problem, actually - I kept leaving the door open.
Niles
Well, I'm very proud of you, Frasier.
Frasier
Thank you.
Niles
An enlightened man is he who can learn from his mistakes. Squash tomorrow morning?
Frasier
Nine AM, my place.
Niles
See you then.
Cassandra
Well, I called him. [sits with Frasier] I probably should feel guilty but I'm just so glad it's just the two of us now.
Frasier
I'm ecstatic.
Cassandra
I know a cute little bed-and-breakfast we can go to this weekend.
Frasier
Oh, really?
Cassandra
[to waiter bringing her coffee] Thank you.
Frasier
[v.o] What a relief this is. I've made my choice. Look at her, I've found an angel... an angel who wears an awful lot of makeup. I've never noticed that before. Faye doesn't paint her face up like that.
Cassandra
And they have the cutest little four poster beds in each room.
Frasier
That sounds lovely. [v.o] My, she uses the word "cute" a lot. I'm cute, this café is cute, now the bed is cute. Faye used the word "jejeune" last night.
Cassandra
Oh, you know, I meant to tell you, I really liked how you handled that nasty caller yesterday. It was such a clever way of...
Frasier
[v.o] God, all she talks about is work, work, work. And now I'll see her every morning before work, and at work, and after work. I feel trapped! Can't breathe... Wait! What are you doing? It's just your fear talking. She's a wonderful woman. She's the one. She's perfect!
Cassandra
And then I ran into Roz after the show, and she told me the cutest little story that...
Frasier
[aloud] Cassandra... we need to talk.
Faye
Frasier?
Frasier
Faye, hi. [enters] Uh, look, we-we really need to talk.
Faye
I know, I got your message. I thought you couldn't see me tonight.
Frasier
Yes, well I just had some unfinished business with the promotions department, but that's all done now.
Faye
Well, I wish you would had called, I would have put something on. [she pulls her t-shirt down]
Frasier
No, no, you look beautiful. Listen, Faye: I-I want us to be exclusive.
Faye
[surprised] What?
Frasier
Yes, I want to take our relationship to the next level. I just want to be with you.
Faye
Wow. I'm a little surprised. You said "we need to talk" on the machine, and you know, that usually means it's over.
Frasier
[acting the innocent] Really? I had no idea.
Faye
Well, this is wonderful!
Frasier
Oh God, so it's just you and me. God, this is exhilarating.
Faye
Well, this is turning out to be the best day ever. Because, well, okay, Chris McKenna - the restaurant critic? - he comes over to the restaurant this morning and...
Frasier
[v.o] What is she thinking with that ridiculous shirt? Tie-dyed?! Stop it, Frasier. You can't do this to yourself. This is nothing more than the natural panic of finally making your choice.
Faye
...and it turned out that the printer had messed up, and the menu said "flab" instead of "flan!"
Frasier
[laughs] That is so precious. [v.o] And so is she, precious. My Faye - Faye, as in Faye-vourite. This feels so much better now that I've relaxed. I was about to doom this whole relationship with my neurotic nitpicking. But it's clear sailing now.
Faye
Well, enough about me. How was your day?
Frasier
Well, it certainly ended well. [she smiles and caresses his cheek] Although something funny did happen at the station — it was during the second hour of my show...
Faye
[v.o] My God, he really does love to talk about himself. [glances down] Is that another new pair of shoes? He's got more shoes than I do!