Shut Out In Seattle (Part 1)
Aired 20th May 1999 · Written by David Isaacs · Directed by Pamela Fryman
Roz
Oh, hey, Niles.
Niles
Hey, Roz.
Roz
[glumly] God, do you realize how pathetic this is? It's 9:30 on a Saturday night and neither one of us is surprised to see the other one here alone. I've never seen this place looking so grim.
Niles
[even more depressed] Oh, this is Mardi Gras compared to half an hour ago, when it was just me and an elderly gentleman who cleaned his teeth with his coffee stirrer, and then put them back in his mouth. Let me get the waitress. [catching the waitress's eye]
Roz
Oh God, not her, I hate her. She's in my spinning class at the gym. I've been killing myself trying to take off these last five pregnancy pounds, and nothing! Meanwhile she's down at the snack bar stuffing her face and waving to everybody. She's such a phony.
Kit
Hi, Roz.
Roz
Hey, Kit, you were great in class tonight!
Kit
Are you kidding? I've been such an oinker lately. What can I get you?
Roz
Oh, a non-fat latte for me.
Kit
[leaving] Coming right up.
Roz
See what I mean? She's such a fake.
Niles
I'm sorry, Roz, I'm afraid I'm not going to be very good company tonight.
Roz
Well, whatever your problems are, you'll laugh at them when you hear what I've been through. I had a date tonight. I got halfway down my driveway when he called me on my car phone and cancelled. I was too humiliated to go back in the house and face the sitter, so - don't ask me why - I went to the zoo. You really want to feel good about yourself? Put on your best outfit and walk through the monkey house on a Saturday night. And be sure and stop by and see Remo the baboon, who knows all kinds of ways to have fun without a date. Feeling better about your problem?
Niles
Daphne and Donny got engaged yesterday.
Roz
Oh my God.
Niles
Yeah, and lucky me, I had to sit there and watch, horrified. There wasn't a thing I could to do stop it - much like your monkey house experience.
Roz
I am so sorry, Niles. You really did have a worse night than I did.
Noel
Hey, Roz!
Roz
[miserably to Niles] Oh wait, I'm gaining on you.
Noel
Isn't this a splendiferous surprise? So Roz, Dr. Crane - is this a date?
Niles
No, just a chance meeting. [to Roz's grimace] Sorry.
Noel
So Roz, where is this person you told me you had a date with?
Roz
That got cancelled.
Noel
[archly] Oh... "cancelled," you say? And here you are, showing up at my regular Saturday night hangout. Will the coincidences never stop? Perhaps you'd care to join me for a late supper?
Roz
No, Noel. As I said earlier, I'm really not in the mood.
Noel
Playing hard to get, I see. [to Niles, sotto voce] It's all part of the mating dance. Watch and learn.
Niles
Morning.
Frasier
Ah, Niles. Armani? At eight in the morning on a Sunday?
Niles
Yes, yes, I'm having lunch with Maris.
Martin
With Maris?
Niles
Yeah. We scheduled this weeks ago. She still has some of my first editions, and I thought she might be more amenable to returning them if I took her to her favorite bistro.
Frasier
Oh, well then, the worst you're out is a cup of clear broth.
Niles
No, this is lunch. She takes her large meal in the evening. I'm sorry to barge in so early, but I had to get out of the Montana. The couple next door were just married and they kept me up all week with their boisterous lovemaking. Why is it when you're by yourself there's nothing but couples in love rubbing it in your face?
Faye
Good morning! Niles, are you going to join us for breakfast?
Niles
[begging off] For breakfast? Well, actually-
Faye
Oh, come on, you've got to. I brought some pastries from the restaurant.
Martin
I didn't even hear you two come in last night.
Frasier
Well, we got in kind of late. We took a long walk after dinner.
Faye
Yeah, it was great. [heading out to the kitchen] The streets were deserted, it was all misty out. It was like we were the only two people in town. [goes to the kitchen]
Niles
[flipping open his cell phone] I wonder if Maris would rather have breakfast than lunch.
Frasier
Oh, Niles, put that down.
Martin
Now wait, Frasier, if Niles wants to leave-
Frasier
Dad, please, there's no need for Niles to feel awkward. You're here. It's not like he's some third wheel.
Bonnie
Good morning.
Martin
Hey! You boys remember Bonnie, from McGinty's?
Frasier
Yes, of course.
Bonnie
I was at the Super Bowl party, remember? I brought the ham loaf.
Frasier
Well, who could forget? We talked about it long after.
Niles
It came up almost daily.
Bonnie
Aren't you sweet? [going into the kitchen] I'm just going to get some coffee.
Martin
Okay. [to Frasier, after Bonnie leaves] You could have told me you were having Faye over.
Frasier
Well, I'm sorry, Dad. I didn't realize you were seeing Bonnie.
Martin
Yeah, I see her from time to time. You got a problem with Bonnie?
Frasier
Well, no.
Martin
Because if you're bringing it up, you know, I have second thoughts about Faye. I liked the other one you were seeing, Cassandra. She was a dish!
Frasier
I don't care. I prefer Faye. I had to make a choice, no matter how much fun it was dating two beautiful women.
Niles
This morning just gets better and better.
Bonnie
[coming in with Faye, each bearing a loaded tray] Who wants coffee and pastry?
Niles
Nothing for me, thanks.
Faye
Are you sure? I make a mean nutcake.
Niles
[rising to get his coat] No, that's all right, I'm meeting one for lunch.
Frasier
So, Bonnie, I see you've met Cassandra.
Faye
Who?
Frasier
Oh, Lord, I'm sorry. Faye!
Faye
Who's Cassandra?
Frasier
Uh, my... Aunt Cassandra. Yes, that must be the-the connection. See, you remind me a bit of her. She was an angel, wasn't she, Dad?
Martin
Oh, Cassandra? Great gal. I wish she was around.
Bonnie
Ah, Eddie, good morning. I'll bet you can't wait to meet Lady.
Martin
Yeah, we're getting Eddie together with Bonnie's poodle. We figure if we hit it off, maybe something will happen for them. Even dogs deserve happiness!
Niles
[having had enough] Okay, well, I'll be off.
Bonnie
[pointing to Niles's blazer] Oh, hold on, you've got a loose button right there.
Niles
No, no, it's all right.
Bonnie
No, it's about to come off.
Niles
No-
Bonnie
[pulling off the button] See? Here, I'll sew it back on for you. [pulling the blazer off a reluctant Niles] I've got needle and thread. You don't want to lose it, do you?
Niles
I'm trying not to. Frasier, I have to get out of here!
Frasier
[guiding Niles to a chair] Now Niles, listen, just relax. There's no cause for an anxiety attack.
Donny
Good morning!
Frasier
[handing him the empty pastry bag] Breathe into this! [Niles waves it off]
Martin
I didn't know you two were going to be here last night. Why doesn't somebody say something?
Donny
Well, we planned on going to my place, but we ended up going to a little piano bar just around the corner from here.
Daphne
Such a charming spot. So intimate. And to top it off, the piano player knew all my favorite songs - "Yesterday", "As Long As He Needs Me," "Climb Every Mountain."
Frasier
Well, you threw him some real curves there.
Donny
[to Faye] Hi, I'm Donny Douglas, and I'm... in love.
Daphne
Listen to him. He embarrasses me like that at least ten times a day. And I just can't get enough of it. [kisses Donny]
Niles
How we coming on the button?
Bonnie
I've almost got the needle threaded.
Frasier
All right! You know, if anybody's hungry, we've got plenty of goodies here from Le Cigare Volante. Cassandra's the pastry chef there.
Faye
She is? I thought I was.
Frasier
I'm so sorry! God, I did it again. I guess I must have her name on my mind.
Faye
Well, that's okay. Just try to remember mine.
Faye
Faye!
Frasier
Faye! Oh, Faye...
Donny
You know, I'm kind of glad this worked out the way it did. Neither Daphne nor I has any family here in Seattle. You know what I'd like to do? I'd like to make this our engagement breakfast.
Donny
Surrounded by friends who treat us like family. And I'd like to dedicate it to the woman who's filled my life with a joy I never thought I'd find.
Bonnie
Ah, Marty, I think I'm gonna cry.
Martin
Ah, jeez...
Faye
[admiring Daphne's hand] Oh my God, look at that ring.
Frasier
That's it for today. This is Dr. Frasier Crane saying goodbye, and good mental health.
Frasier
Nice job there, Roz. Could you please try to find some callers that have real psychological problems?
Roz
Your dad's on Line 2.
Frasier
I meant during the show, thanks. [picking up the phone] Yeah, Dad, hi. What, again? Oh, that's the third time he's cancelled this week. You know, he's been so lonely you'd think he'd be glad for my company. Well, all right, no matter. I guess I'll see you home in a while. Oh, I don't know, later. Oh, maybe an hour, two hours, I don't know! Oh, for God's sake, well just hang a tie on the door if you're so worried about it! [hanging up]
Roz
Is everything okay, Frasier?
Frasier
Yeah, Roz. I was thinking about something. You know, it's funny how loneliness can make people behave in strange ways.
Roz
[looking guilty] What do you mean?
Frasier
Oh, you know, do things that are sort of rash, and act out of character.
Roz
Oh God, I knew someone would find out about it! Who told you? Did he tell you? I'll kill him!
Frasier
Roz!
Roz
[panicked] Oh please, Frasier, don't tell anybody else! Oh, I beg you! It was one night, one lonely, stupid night!
Frasier
What are you talking about?
Roz
You don't know?
Frasier
No! What happened?
Roz
[covering, trying to leave] Nothing, I'll see you tomorrow.
Frasier
[stopping her] Roz! Stay right here. Now you listen to me, I am your friend, you know that. I would never judge you. Now, just how... stupid and lonely were you?
Roz
It's the last person I ever would have dreamed of.
Roz
I guess I haven't been dating much lately and I just I've been so lonely.
Frasier
Oh my God! You've slept with Noel.
Roz
[utterly disgusted] NO! Oh, how could you even think such a thing!
Frasier
All right, just tell me. Who was it?
Roz
Nobody. It doesn't matter. It's over. It was a mistake and I just want to forget it ever happened.
Frasier
Roz, Roz, listen, we've all been there. Come on. You were just looking for a little comfort. It's all right. No reason to beat yourself up about it.
Bulldog
Hey, baby, I'm sorry I had to skip out before breakfast.
Roz
[breaking away from him] Oh, Bulldog!
Frasier
Bulldog?!
Roz
Bulldog.
Bulldog
[raising his fists in victory] Bulldog!
Roz
Oh, Frasier, swear you won't tell anybody else!
Bulldog
[patting her on the rear] So you told the doc, eh? Guess you just had to brag, huh? [as she hits him] Hey, I don't blame you. I told a few guys myself.
Roz
Oh God, oh God, oh God!
Bulldog
Gee, where have I heard that before?
Frasier
[retreating hastily] I'll just leave you two alone.
Roz
[attempting to follow him] I'm right behind you.
Bulldog
Gee, where have I heard that before?
Roz
Stop that! Look, Bulldog, last night was a mistake. I will regret it for the rest of my life, and if you ever bring it up again, I promise you you'll regret it.
Bulldog
Hey...
Bulldog
Your place tonight?
Roz
Ten o'clock. Use the service elevator.
Daphne
How's the speech coming along?
Donny
Oh, it's almost finished. [resuming his dictation] "So though you are graduating today, your learning has just begun-" [squirming on the couch] There's something under the cushions back here.
Daphne
What, you found something?
Donny
[reaching behind the cushion] Oh, it's a cell phone.
Daphne
[disappointed] Oh.
Donny
[handing it to her] Is this Frasier's?
Daphne
No, he had his when he left for work this morning. Must be his brother's. I'll tell him the next time he's over. [leaving] I'm... going to finish tidying up the kitchen.
Frasier
Hello, all.
Donny
Hey, Frasier.
Frasier
[eyeing Donny's gym shoes and cartons on the suede couch] Hello, Donny. I hope I didn't come home at an inconvenient moment.
Donny
No, your timing's perfect, actually. One eggroll left.
Donny
Nice hands.
Frasier
Yes, they were.
Daphne
Here's your drink.
Donny
Oh, thanks. [to Frasier] Isn't she great? Takes me on a three mile run and then feeds me diet soda. [eating another eggroll] I thought I'd hate healthy living, but you know, it ain't so bad.
Frasier
Daphne, why are you wearing that rubber glove?
Daphne
What, this? I was, um... doing the dishes.
Frasier
With just one?
Daphne
[inventing] It's the English way. You wash with the left, dry with the right. Started during the war, I think, when rubber was rationed.
Frasier
Oh, yes.
Daphne
Can I see you in the kitchen, Dr. Crane?
Frasier
Yes, of course. Let me just call Niles first. He cancelled on me again today.
Donny
Oh, I'll just be a second here. I just have to check up on a case I'm finishing. Poor bastard, I'm really taking him to the cleaners.
Frasier
Well, perhaps you'd be so kind as to bring the couch along.
Frasier
Yes, Daphne?
Daphne
I'm afraid a terrible thing has happened. I've lost my engagement ring.
Frasier
Well, where was the last place you saw it?
Daphne
That's just it, I've searched everywhere! I'm terrified Donny'll find out.
Frasier
Daphne, you can't go around hiding your hand forever. You're gonna have to tell him. He's a reasonable man, he'll understand.
Daphne
I suppose you're right.
Donny
[on the phone] You're negligent, pal! You're criminally irresponsible, you were careless, and you're going to pay for it! Yeah! [hanging up and tossing the cordless phone to Frasier] Here you go, boss.
Frasier
Thank you.
Donny
Hey, Daph?
Daphne
[nonchalantly] Yes, love?
Donny
What are you doing?
Daphne
Oh, I'm just stuffing the bird for Dr. Crane's dinner.
Donny
Oh. Listen, unfortunately I'm going to have to work late. I'm going to just pop in the shower and then I'll have to leave.
Daphne
[seasoning the bird] Oh, I'm sorry.
Donny
Oh, that's okay. Absence just makes the heart grow fonder.
Frasier
You know, Daphne, if that ring never turns up, that chicken works, too. Just see how it catches the light.
Daphne
Oh, stop it! I'm just going to go have a look in the bedroom.
Frasier
Hello? Niles? [leaving a message] It's Frasier. Yes, listen, I've tried you at your office, I've tried you at home, now I'm calling your cell phone. If I don't reach you now I'm actually going to get very worried about you.
Martin
Hello?
Frasier
Yes, hello, is Niles Crane there, please?
Martin
Uh, I don't know, I just got here. Let me go check.
Martin
Frasier, have you seen Niles?
Frasier
I'm just trying to reach him, Dad.
Martin
Oh, okay.
Martin
No, I'm sorry, he's not here, but I'll write your name down and give it to him. Wait a minute, I've gotta find a pen.
Martin
Frasier, have you seen my-
Frasier
Dad, please, I'm on the phone!
Martin
Well, I'm sorry, I was just looking for a pen! Forget it.
Martin
[on the phone] Hello? Listen, could you maybe call back in an hour?
Frasier
Dad?
Martin
Would you mind, please? I'm on the phone!
Frasier
[into his phone] Dad, it's me.
Martin
[realizing] Frasier, why did you call from the kitchen? You could have just walked in here!
Frasier
Just hang up the phone. [Martin does] For God's sake, it must be Niles's cell phone. Gee, that's strange. He's never without that phone.
Martin
Huh.
Frasier
And what's more, he's been avoiding me for the last three days.
Martin
Oh, cut him a little slack. Seeing the six of us the other morning couldn't have done much for his mood. He's probably just gone off somewhere to be by himself.
Frasier
Well, I just hope he hasn't done something foolish. Remember he was having brunch with Maris on Sunday.
Martin
Oh, that was just business.
Frasier
Well, you know, Dad, he is broken-hearted. People in his condition have a tendency to run back to their exes. A lonely man clinging to an available warm body. Well, of course in Maris's case, that's just an expression.
Martin
He just spent two years divorcing her. He's not going to go back to her.
Frasier
Yeah, I hope you're right. Say, didn't you have plans today with Bonnie?
Martin
Oh, it was cut short. We had an incident.
Frasier
Really? What happened?
Martin
Oh, we took the dogs to this park near Bonnie's, and I knew there'd be a little sizing each other up and everything. But this poodle of hers, Lady - which she ain't! - walks right up to Eddie, knocks him over and then sits her big French butt right on his head.
Frasier
You're kidding.
Martin
No. And the worst thing was, he just lay there whimpering and took it. And Bonnie, she thought it was really cute. I mean, what kind of a person likes to see a dog humiliated?
Frasier
Dad, may I remind you that not a holiday goes by that you don't dress that dog up in some sort of ridiculous hat?
Martin
Hey, there's nothing wrong with those hats. He looks good in hats. He's got a hat face!
Martin
Well, he was probably just intimidated being over in Lady's park, you know. Wait'll he gets over to this side of town. He owns that park. Even the big dogs are scared of him.
Frasier
That's because they've seen him in his hats and they think he's crazy!
Frasier
It's Niles's cell phone. [answering] Hello? Niles Crane's... phone. Yes, it's his brother. I'll be glad to tell him. Thank you.
Frasier
Well. That was St. Pierre jewelers. The diamond earrings Niles ordered are ready.
Martin
Diamond earrings?
Frasier
Uh-huh. From Maris's favorite jeweler. You know what, he's obviously too afraid to tell us that he's run back to her.
Martin
Now stop that, you're scaring me. He doesn't have to be with Maris. Maybe he's hurt, maybe he's in the hospital or something.
Frasier
We've got to track him down and talk some sense into him. I'll tell you what, we'll head over to the Montana, and if he's not there, we'll go to Maris's.
Martin
Well, I don't want to go to Niles's and I sure as hell don't want to go to Maris's!
Frasier
Dad, this is not about what you or I want, this is about what Niles needs! For God's sakes, the man is devastated, he's vulnerable. We need to rally around him and show him our support.
Martin
[giving up and following Frasier out the door] Well, why didn't we just do this on Sunday?
Frasier
We had our girlfriends over!
Frasier
Dad, what are you doing back there? What are you so worried about?
Martin
Well, what do you think? Running into Maris. You know how angry she gets. I just wish we had a sharp stick or a heavy net or something.
Frasier
Niles!
Niles
Yes?
Frasier
Niles, where have you been? You haven't been answering any of my calls.
Niles
Oh, Frasier, I am so sorry. I'll call you tomorrow.
Frasier
No. I want to talk to you right now.
Niles
Well, I can't. I'm, I'm... [meaningfully] entertaining, so off you go.
Martin
[vehemently, pushing his way inside] No, we're not leaving without you, so put on your shower shoes and a coat and let's get out of here.
Niles
What is wrong with you?
Frasier
[following Martin in] Niles, I know how difficult the last three weeks have been for you. I'm sorry, you are making a big mistake. This is NOT the way to handle it.
Niles
So - you know what's going on?
Martin
Yes, Niles!
Frasier
How did this whole thing even get started?
Niles
Well, we had an impromptu coffee at the Café Nervosa, and that led to a movie, and that led to dinner, and ever since then we've been practically inseparable [smiling] and to tell you the truth, we're kind of happy about it. [Frasier and Martin look disgusted] How do you even know about this?
Frasier
[handing him his cell phone] Your jeweler called. Your diamond earrings are ready.
Niles
Oh, well, thank you for the message. Now go away!
Frasier
No! Niles, we're not going anywhere. You may consider this a full-blown intervention. We're not leaving until you have got some self-respect back!
Kit
Niles! You know what we should do tonight? [seeing Frasier and Martin] Oh, hi. [going right on] Build a fire and make s'mores.
Frasier
You might also want to get some graham crackers.
Kit
[coming down to the living room and putting her arms around Niles] I'm sorry, I didn't know we had company.
Niles
No, no, that's okay. Kit, this is-
Kit
[pointing at Frasier] No, wait, I know you from the cafe. Cappuccino, light foam. [to Martin] And you too. Coffee, black, nothin' fancy!
Niles
[hugging her in delight] Isn't that good? Kit, this is my father, Martin, and my brother, um... [thinking] Frasier.
Frasier
How do you do?
Kit
Really? [looking at Niles] Oh, I see it. Cool!
Frasier
You know, this is sort of a surprise, I guess. We didn't expect to see the two of you together.
Kit
[with her arms around Niles] Oh, I had my eye him from the minute I saw him. He's always so neatly put together. I just couldn't wait to mess him up!
Niles
And mission accomplished!
Frasier
So, Niles, you haven't seen Maris then since Sunday?
Niles
[catching on and grinning smugly] Oh, is that who you thought I was here with? That's funny. No wonder you were upset.
Kit
Who's Maris?
Niles
My ex-wife.
Kit
Well, if you want to see her too, that's cool. I told you, no strings. [rubbing his face seductively] Just fun.
Martin
[grinning broadly] You always want your kids to have more than you had.