Shut Out In Seattle (Part 2)
Aired 20th May 1999 · Written by David Isaacs · Directed by Pamela Fryman
Frasier
Niles, pick up, will you? It's Frasier. [beat] All right, fine. Call me later. [hanging up, to Roz] I don't even know why I bother anymore. He doesn't pick up phones these days, just waitresses.
Roz
Give him a break, he's just having fun.
Frasier
That's exactly what I'd expect to hear from someone who's willing to spend the night as Bulldog's squeak toy.
Roz
That is not funny! It was one night, and I would appreciate it if you would just let it drop.
Frasier
You're right, I'm sorry, that was tactless of me. Tell you what, let me make it up to you. I've got an extra theater ticket tonight. Faye's busy, why don't you join me?
Roz
No, thanks.
Frasier
No, please, Roz. It's a delightful little show. I'll even throw in dinner.
Roz
Busy.
Frasier
Really. A date?
Roz
[exploding] I have plans! Plans! What are you, a cop?! I've got to account for every waking minute?! My private life is my own business!
Frasier
[realizing] Bulldog!
Roz
[bursting into tears] I don't know what's wrong with me! I'm weak. I can't stop myself!
Frasier
Yes you can, Roz.
Roz
Okay, I don't want to stop myself. He's good. He's really good. I mean, I'm better, but he's trainable.
Frasier
Roz, it's Bulldog! Doesn't that bother you?
Roz
You'd think.
Bulldog
Hey, Doc.
Frasier
Bulldog.
Bulldog
Oh, Roz, you still going to help me, uh, write those... promos for my show tonight? Around 10:00?
Roz
It's okay, Bulldog, he knows.
Frasier
Yes. But high marks on that cryptic cover story.
Bulldog
[drums his fists on Frasier's chest, then] I've gotta make a call. Station manager's been calling me all day. [to Roz] Oh, I made us a reservation. Thought maybe we could get a little dinner first.
Roz
You mean... eat together?
Bulldog
Yeah. I'll be right back.
Frasier
Oh, that's beautiful, Roz.
Roz
Oh God, this ruins everything!
Frasier
What?
Roz
Well, didn't you hear what he said? He wants to buy me dinner. Do you realize what this means?
Frasier
They finally opened that new Hooters out by the airport?
Roz
No. He's crossed the line. He actually thinks we're dating!
Frasier
Roz, didn't your mother warn you that sex could lead to things like dating?
Roz
[shaken] Look, that is it. I'm going to put an end to this before it goes too far.
Bulldog
I don't believe it. They just fired me.
Frasier
What?
Bulldog
Yeah. They said my ratings are low, the show's losing its edge, I'm getting soft. My last day's Friday.
Frasier
[concerned] Oh, Bulldog, I'm so sorry. Are you all right?
Bulldog
No, I'm not. [slamming the counter weakly] This stinks. This is total B.S. [breaking into tears] You don't think I'm getting soft, do you?
Frasier
No, no, not at all. [handing him a tissue] Here.
Bulldog
[blowing his nose] I just thank God I got a girlfriend like you, Roz. I don't think I can face this alone.
Roz
[lightly patting his back] There, there.
Frasier
Daphne! Morning, Dad.
Martin
Hey.
Daphne
Yes?
Frasier
Daphne, please. Donny's not here. Will you just take your hand out of the bag?
Frasier
I was just undressing to take my bath, when I sat on the edge of the tub and landed... [holds up her ring] on this.
Daphne
Oh my God, you found my ring! [hugging him] I'd given up, I thought it was someplace I'd never find it!
Frasier
It very nearly was. [Martin guffaws]
Daphne
Come on, let me have it.
Frasier
[indicating her messy hand] No, no, no, you go rinse off this doodle dust first.
Daphne
Oh, right, yes.
Martin
Well, you sure saved Daphne there.
Frasier
Yes, and I also did myself a little favor as well. Can you imagine what conclusions Faye might have jumped to had she found this engagement ring in my room?
Faye
Oh, Frasier, for me? I had no idea!
Frasier
Well, actually, uh...
Faye
[grabbing the ring] It's beautiful! It's so beautiful! Yes, Frasier, I do! I do!
Faye
Oh, calm down, you big dope. I know it's Daphne's ring.
Faye
And, uh, I can't tell you how flattered I am by those beads of sweat on your forehead.
Frasier
[calling after her] Well, they're love beads, honey! [to Martin] Oh God, will you take this thing?
Martin
[taking the ring] Well, I don't want it! What if Bonnie sees me with it?
Bonnie
Sees you with what?
Martin
[flustered] Daphne, will you come in here and take this damn ring, please?
Daphne
[o.s.] Coming!
Martin
[seating Bonnie] Sit down and have a little coffee.
Donny
Good morning, everybody! Another full house, I see.
Frasier
Yes, and that robe is available for purchase in the gift shop.
Donny
Hi. [kissing Daphne and noticing her hand] Oh, you found your ring!
Daphne
What? You knew it was gone?
Donny
Well, Daphne, when your fiancée gives you a hug with a chicken on her hand, then bells go off.
Daphne
I'm sorry-
Donny
Oh, that's okay, honey. [kisses her] You know, I didn't want to say anything because I knew it would turn up sooner or later, and I didn't want to make you feel worse.
Frasier
As long as we're tying up loose ends here, I was just wondering, what was your ring doing on the edge of my Jacuzzi tub, right next to my favorite scented candle — which was burned down to the wick?
Daphne
I'm going to let my attorney handle this one.
Donny
I'm sorry, Frasier. I guess after a little champagne we got into the mood, and into the nude, and into the tub. But don't worry, we'll replace the candle.
Frasier
If only you could replace the image. Next time, if you don't mind, will you just turn down the temperature a little?
Donny
Actually, we tried, but the knob was stuck.
Bonnie
Yeah, it does that. You gotta jiggle it a little.
Martin
Don't worry, it's not what you think! We use it to give Eddie a bath.
Martin
Oh, hi, guys!
Kit
Good morning!
Frasier
Well, you're up early.
Niles
You mean still up. We never went to bed.
Kit
We'll get there!
Martin
What did you do all night?
Niles
Oh, what didn't we do? We started off at a concert, wonderful group called Uncle Dirtnap. Then we danced the night away at every club in the U district before finding ourselves at an after-party at Kit's friend Massimo's place. He's a squatter. Anyway, I wanted to give Kit the keys to my building and I remembered I have a spare set here, so I thought we'd pop by.
Frasier
Oh, well then, let me get them for you. I can offer you a pastry, courtesy of Le Cigare Volant.
Kit
Oh, no thanks. You know, those things are loaded with bleached flour. That stuff's poison.
Kit
Oh, Niles, give me your cell phone. I'll call the travel agent.
Martin
You going on a trip?
Kit
Yeah, he's taking me to France for the weekend. Euro-Disney!
Niles
Massimo said we just had to go. Apparently it is so lame, it's cool.
Faye
[getting her coat] Well, I should get going. Places to go, people to poison.
Bonnie
I should get going too. [to Martin] I'll pick up Lady and meet you and Eddie at the park at 10:30?
Martin
Better make it 11:00.
Niles
[whispering so Kit doesn't hear] Frasier, isn't she great?
Frasier
Oh, yes.
Niles
She's so free, so spontaneous. She has breathed new life into me.
Frasier
You may have to return the favor.
Niles
[as they sit down at the table] Am I detecting disapproval?
Frasier
No, Niles, not at all, just... Well, all right. Don't you think you two are going just a bit quickly?
Niles
Oh, for the past year you have told me I had to get over Daphne, find someone else. Now I do and all you can do is find fault. Man, you are such a buzz kill.
Frasier
Will you stop talking like that? I'm just a little concerned, Niles. You met this girl last week, she's spent every night with you, now you're giving her the keys to your apartment?
Niles
I think you're just jealous.
Frasier
Jealous?
Niles
Yes. Here I have attracted this untamed, free spirit, and you're saddled with an uptight pastry chef whose name you can't even remember.
Frasier
Her name is Faye! And I am not jealous, I'm just a little worried about you. I'm afraid you might get hurt.
Niles
Oh. Here we go. Whatever would I do, without my wise older brother to tell me what to do?
Frasier
Well, frankly, you couldn't be acting more like a child. You think I don't know the real reason you came over here? It wasn't to get your keys, it was to show off Lolita's kid sister out there. The two of you have absolutely nothing in common.
Kit
Well, we're all set for Euro-Disney!
Niles
Great. You ready to go home?
Kit
Oh, sure. Bye, Frasier.
Frasier
Bye.
Kit
Oh, I'm so excited for this trip! I'm going to spend all my time at Fantasy Land.
Frasier
Oh, Niles? [Niles turns back to listen] I'm sorry, I take it back. You do have something in common.
Frasier
Isn't that a darling sight? Time was when a waitress said, "Can I warm that up for you?" she was talking about your coffee. How was your date with Bulldog last night?
Roz
Hideous. He took me to a nice restaurant, he brought me flowers, and then we went back to his place and cuddled. All I could think of the whole time was, "How do I dump this loser?"
Frasier
Oh, Roz...
Roz
He's meeting me here for coffee and I'm ending this thing once and for all.
Frasier
[looking back at Kit and Niles kissing affectionately] Yeah, well, good luck getting a cup of coffee. You know, it's the funniest thing. He really does look happy, doesn't he?
Roz
Yeah, so just leave it alone.
Frasier
Maybe you're right. [dialing his cell phone] Do you realize that this is the first time in recent history that all three Crane men have been in happy relationships? Maybe I should be celebrating that fact rather than being such a buzz kill.
Roz
What does that mean?
Frasier
Oh, Roz, plug in. [on the phone, leaving a message] Hi, honey, it's Frasier. Listen, I just read a marvelous review of this charming boite out in Freemont and I thought to myself, "that is a place that Cassandra would just love," so-
Roz
[whispering urgently] Frasier!
Frasier
[aside to Roz] Not now, Roz, please.
Roz
You just called her Cassandra!
Frasier
[realizing she's right] Oh, dear God, I'm- [on the phone] My producer Roz informs me that I just called you Cassandra. I'm sorry, I don't know why I keep doing this. I know that you're Faye. Fabulous Faye! Forever Faye! Call me, Faye. [hanging up, to Roz] It is one syllable! What the hell is wrong with me?
Frasier
Well, I'm glad to see that you think it's funny.
Roz
No, I don't, I just... I'm having a flashback to my summer of Ted, Todd, and Tad.
Bulldog
Hey, sports fans!
Frasier
Oh, uh, Bulldog, hi. You know what? You may have my seat. I'm going to sit over there. [He leaves.]
Bulldog
All right. [sitting down with Roz] Hey, gorgeous.
Roz
Look, Bulldog, you and I need to talk about what's been going on between us.
Bulldog
I know.
Roz
[hissing] We're in public!
Bulldog
Look. [hand on his heart] I want to tell you what's going on in here, okay?
Roz
Bulldog, I don't want to know--
Bulldog
Roz, I've gotta be honest with you. This past week has been amazing, but... I met a total babe at unemployment this morning and we're going to Hawaii this afternoon.
Roz
What?!
Bulldog
I know, I know. Getting dumped - ouch. It hurts like hell.
Roz
No, I don't believe this! I came here to dump you!
Bulldog
Hey, whatever you gotta say to get through this, it's okay with me.
Roz
But-
Bulldog
I know, I know. I didn't mean to make you fall in love with me.
Roz
[inarticulate with rage] I didn't! You repulse me!
Bulldog
[loudly, rising to leave] Hey, love hurts, Roz. And I'm not talking about the time we fell off the kitchen table. Aloha, old friend.
Roz
[grabbing the stuffed dog to attack him] Bulldog, you cuddle lousy and I'm glad you got fired!
Noel
[to Roz] Well, timing is everything.
Roz
Back off, buzz kill!
Martin
Hi, Frasier.
Frasier
Oh, hey, Dad.
Martin
[at the counter] Black coffee to go, please.
Frasier
You okay?
Martin
I just broke it off with Bonnie.
Frasier
Oh, gee. I'm so sorry. What happened?
Martin
Lady humped Eddie.
Frasier
Excuse me?
Martin
You heard me. It was humiliating.
Frasier
But Eddie's a boy dog and Lady's a... well, a lady.
Martin
Yes, well, that would be the humiliating part, now wouldn't it? Right in his own park in front of all those other dogs. [Frasier starts smiling] Yeah, Bonnie got a big kick out of it, too.
Frasier
Sorry.
Martin
I told her off and that was it.
Frasier
[chuckling] I'm sorry, Dad.
Martin
It's not funny.
Frasier
I know, I know, I know. [trying to be serious, then] Was he wearing a hat? [laughs]
Frasier
No, Dad, please, come back...
Faye
Hi, Martin.
Martin
[leaving] Hey, Faye.
Frasier
Hi, honey.
Faye
[kissing him] Hi. I was near the station so I just thought I'd see if you were around.
Frasier
Oh, great. [to Roz, returning to her table] Oh, Roz, you remember... Faye!
Roz
Hi, Faye.
Faye
You were going to say Cassandra, weren't you?
Frasier
No, no. Why would you think such a thing?
Faye
Well, for one, I just checked my messages.
Frasier
Oh, I'm so sorry. I don't know why it keeps happening. You just have this remarkable resemblance to-
Faye
I know, I know. Your aunt. [going to the ladies' room] I'll be right back.
Frasier
[to Roz] I have got to stop saying Cassandra!
Cassandra
Frasier!
Frasier
Cassandra!
Roz
Hi, Cassandra.
Frasier
So, how've you been?
Cassandra
Great. Actually I've been wanting to talk to you for a while. We've been sort of... avoiding each other at work and it just all seems so silly. I mean, I really don't have any hard feelings about the way things ended between us.
Frasier
Oh, well, that's wonderful. Neither do I.
Cassandra
You dumped me. You're not allowed to have hard feelings. Anyway, my life is great. I'm back together with Sloan. You know, you and I should have coffee together sometime.
Frasier
That'd be nice, yes.
Cassandra
I'm just glad we're putting all this awkwardness behind us.
Frasier
Me, too.
Cassandra
Ouch!
Faye
[to Cassandra] Hello.
Cassandra
Hello.
Frasier
[sweating] Well...
Roz
[jumping in] Whoa! I've gotta get back to work. [to Cassandra] Going back to the station?
Cassandra
Uh, yes...
Roz
[pushing her out the door] Good, I'll walk with you. Oh my God, look at the time. We've got to hurry. Bye, Faye. Bye Frasier.
Frasier
Bye-bye. Love you.
Roz
[leaving] Yes, you do!
Faye
Who was that?
Frasier
You know Roz.
Faye
No, the other one.
Frasier
Oh, she's the, um, promotions director.
Faye
Well, she's gorgeous. Don't you think so?
Frasier
I don't know, I never really looked.
Faye
Well, don't start looking now. [kissing him, then exiting] If I'm going to stay I should feed the meter.
Frasier
Lucky meter.
Niles
Hey there, Frasier.
Frasier
Oh, Niles, hi. Listen, Niles, I want to apologize for getting upset this morning. I've been giving it some thought and I think maybe Kit is just what the doctor ordered.
Niles
[gloating] Is she ever!
Frasier
And no strings? Just fun, right? That's what she says.
Niles
Exactly. So, you really like her?
Frasier
Yes, I do.
Niles
And you're not just saying that?
Frasier
Absolutely not.
Niles
You want her?
Frasier
Excuse me?
Niles
Frasier, she's killing me. I'm just not cut out for this lifestyle. Between seeing myself in a mirror at the club dancing my modified Charleston, and then catching my reflection in the store window this morning as I Rollerbladed past in spandex, I feel like I'm being stalked by some pathetic middle-aged ghoul. Obviously, I've got to break it off with her.
Frasier
Oh, gosh. I'm so sorry, Niles. You going to tell her now?
Niles
No, I'll arrange to meet her after work. To tell you the truth, I think she's losing interest herself. I couldn't help noticing a little eye-rolling today when my skate wheel got stuck in a storm grate. [gets up] And... thanks for not saying "I told you so."
Niles
Hey, Kit, there's something I wanted to talk to you about later.
Kit
Just talk to me now. You know you can tell me anything.
Niles
No, I'd rather do it after your shift.
Kit
You have such a serious face. [jokingly] What, are we breaking up or something?
Niles
Well...
Kit
Oh my God! You just dumped me? Right here where I work in front of everyone I wait on?
Niles
That's okay, we'll go outside.
Kit
[yelling hysterically] Give me an answer!
Niles
[appalled] Kit, Kit, calm down-
Kit
You're tired of me? Is that what it is?
Niles
It's all right-
Kit
You've had enough of me? I gave you everything and you used me! Sex, sex, sex! The way you come to bed every night - wanting it, begging for it!
Niles
I never had to beg!
Kit
I'm just a whore to you, aren't I?
Niles
[shocked] No, don't say that!
Kit
That's all I am, your whore! Your whore from the café!
Niles
It's really more of a compatibility thing. I'm recently divorced and I've been under a lot of strain...
Niles
It's been very painful for everyone...
Frasier
Niles, they're strangers. It's all right, Niles. Let's just pick this up, shall we?
Faye
What happened?
Frasier
I'm not really sure, actually. Just give me a minute, will you?
Cassandra
Excuse me, is Frasier still here? I just had something I needed to ask him.
Faye
Oh, yeah, he's over there. I didn't get a chance to meet you before. I'm Faye. [holds out her hand]
Cassandra
[takes it] Oh, how do you do? I'm...
Frasier
[seeing them together] NOOOO!!!
Frasier
[looking around] You know, this is a charming little place. I live right around the corner but I've never been in before.
Bartender
What'll it be?
Frasier
Martini, straight up, two olives - henceforth known as "the usual."
Niles
Hey.
Frasier
Niles!
Niles
I called Daphne. She said you'd be here.
Frasier
Oh, yeah.
Niles
Cozy room. I guess it'll have to do, because the old whoremonger won't be going back to Nervosa anytime soon.
Frasier
Yeah. I'm pretty much exiled from Le Cigar Volant with Faye working there.
Frasier
Thank you.
Niles
Well, I plan to get stinkin' tonight. [to bartender] May I see your wine list?
Martin
Hey, guys.
Frasier
Dad! What are you doing here?
Martin
I saw Niles's car outside, so I thought I'd stop in for a drink. I can't go to McGinty's anymore with Bonnie there, and Eddie's taking a break from the park.
Frasier
Well, come join us here on Elba.
Bartender
What can I get you?
Martin
Jameson's on the rocks.
Niles
[handing back the wine list] And I'll try the... white.
Niles
Well, here we are again - losers in love.
Frasier
Yeah. I don't know what's wrong with me. I seem incapable of maintaining a relationship. I date a nice girl like Faye, things seem to be working out, and I seem to find a way to blow it. It seems to be the pattern of my life. Well, except with Lilith. She was just nuts.
Niles
At least you take your time. I don't date, I leap. Headfirst. [accepting his wine from the bartender] Thank you. More often than not I get my heart broken - by Maris... [sipping the wine and grimacing at its flavor] By Daphne, even if she didn't know it. At least Kit only broke my box spring.
Frasier
All I can conclude is that I must have some deeper issues with women that manifest themselves in my behavior. The trick is to pinpoint them.
Niles
Well, you know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking of taking some time off and going into deep analysis.
Frasier
That's not a bad idea, Niles. Stephen Bachman is at the absolute pinnacle of psychodynamic research. Perhaps we should see him.
Niles
If we went in together we could get a rate.
Frasier
Yeah. Shouldn't take more than a year or so...
Niles
I think that's optimistic...
Martin
Jeez, how do you guys get up in the morning? You want to go into deep analysis? Listen to me, I'm your father. There's nothing wrong with either one of you. [to Frasier] You dump a woman but you can't get her off your mind, so you end up getting dumped by the other one. And you should have stayed with the first one anyway, she was hotter. [to Niles] And you? You're just learning how to date. I mean, it would have been nice if it had happened 25 years ago, but you play the cards you're dealt. Me? I like Bonnie, Bonnie's dog humps Eddie, I don't like Bonnie anymore. It doesn't mean I have "issues with women," it's just life, you know? Good stuff happens and bad stuff happens, that's all. You've just gotta look on the bright side. It's like that old song - "You Gotta Accentuate the Positive."
Frasier
Maybe Dad's right. We do tend to over-analyze things.
Martin
Hey. I got an idea. [going over to the piano] Let's go over here. Let's do a little singing.
Niles
Dad...
Martin
[to Jack] Hey, buddy, can you play "Accentuate the Positive"?
Jack
Oh, no, I'm just noodling around. The real pianist doesn't come till 9:00.
Martin
Well, you can fake it, can't you?
Jack
Well no, not really. I actually only know three songs — "America the Beautiful," "Happy Birthday" and "Goldfinger."
Frasier
That's all right, buddy-
Martin
No, come on guys, we were gonna sing a happy song, let's sing a happy song. [to Jack] Uh, play "Goldfinger."
Niles
We don't know the words to that.
Martin
Oh, come on, you knew it when you were kids! It'll cheer you up, come on. [to Jack] Hit it.
Jack
[plays opening bars, then sings] Weh-weh-weh, Weh-weh-weh...
Martin
[prompting] Goldfinger...
All
[singing, Frasier and Niles bored] "Goldfinger!"
Martin
He's the man, the man with the Midas touch.
All
"He's the man, the man with the Midas touch..."
Martin
A spider's touch.
All
"A spider's touch..."
Martin
Such a cold finger.
Frasier
Dad, this is ridiculous.
Martin
Oh, come on, sing it!
All
"Such a cold finger... [Frasier and Niles start remembering and getting into it] "Beckons you to enter his web of sin..."
Martin
That's it!
All
"But don't go in!"