Dial M For Martin
Aired 8th October 1998 · Written by Rob Greenberg · Directed by Ken Lamkin
Martin
Don't walk away from me when I'm yellin' at you!
Frasier
I'll walk away from you if I want to! It's my house!
Martin
Yes, don't I know it! You have no respect for my stuff!
Frasier
Yes, well if you had labeled the cassette "Rodeo Bloopers", I wouldn't have taped over it, I would have thrown it away!
Frasier
Dad, I'm sorry.
Martin
Forget it, Fras.
Frasier
You know, it's just that I've been so tense lately, being out of work.
Martin
I know, I know. It's not easy, us both being home so much.
Frasier
Yeah, well I suppose that during this little in-between-jobs period, we should just try to be extra careful not to get on each other's nerves.
Martin
All right, I'll do that.
Frasier
Good. [He notices something on the table by the door.] Dad, what's this?
Martin
Oh, a call came in for you.
Frasier
Rebecca Wendell! Oh my God!
Martin
Isn't she that model you've been after?
Frasier
Not just a model, Dad, a lingerie model! I met her at the symphony. Wow, this is amazing! When did this come in?
Martin
About an hour ago.
Frasier
I was here an hour ago.
Martin
Yeah, you were in the tub.
Frasier
[going to the phone] That didn't stop you yesterday when you came in to ask me if a peach smelled funny! For God's sake, Dad...
Martin
I'd like to know how this is my fault! I put it right there in the special message bowl that we're all supposed to use.
Frasier
Ah, it's her machine. Well, thanks a lot, Dad! I've been looking forward to this for months!
Martin
Well, now you know how I feel about the rodeo tape.
Frasier
Oh, for God's sake, the two things have no comparison whatsoever...! [charmingly into the phone] Hello, Rebecca, it's Frasier. Sorry I missed you. Please try again. Uh, bye. [He hangs up.] Well, I hope you're happy! Now I have to sit here all afternoon waiting for the phone to ring!
Martin
As opposed to what you normally do?
Frasier
Oh, that's rich coming from you! A man who's spent the last five years welded to his aptly named Lay-Z-Boy!
Martin
[getting up] Well, I'm not so lazy that I can't get the hell out of here!
Frasier
I haven't finished talking to you, yet!
Martin
Well, I've finished listening!
Frasier
As usual, running away from the problem!
Martin
Not the problem, the yammering! You want to tape over somethin'? Try your mouth!
Roz
Hey, Martin.
Martin
Oh, hi, Roz.
Roz
Decaf latte to go, please. So, is Frasier here?
Martin
I hope not.
Roz
Uh-oh.
Martin
Oh, he's just been such a pill lately.
Roz
Well, you know, it's tough for people when they're out of work. They just get a little tense and irritable. [The waitress brings Roz a coffee cup.] To go! I said to go! [To Martin] So why don't you two take a little break from each other? Have you ever thought about, I don't know, staying with Niles for a while?
Martin
Out of the frying pan into the fire, huh?
Roz
Well, think about it. Niles's place is so huge, and he's at work all the time.
Martin
That's true. And Maris is out of the picture now.
Roz
You know, I just thought of something: for a while there, your daughters-in-law were Maris and Lilith. [Martin laughs] Whoa, Happy Thanksgiving!
Martin
Yeah.
Martin
Hey, Niles.
Niles
Hello.
Roz
Niles.
Niles
I'm not interrupting anything personal, am I?
Roz
[taking Martin's hand] Yeah, Niles, we just eloped. I'm your new mom. [Martin smiles and pats her hand.]
Niles
Well, I'll be a son of a bitch.
Niles
[to waitress] Latte, please.
Roz
So Martin, why don't you tell Niles your new idea?
Martin
Well, actually, it was Roz's idea, but I think she might have something, you know? You know, Frasier and I have been kinda buttin' heads lately...
Niles
Well, Frasier has been very difficult. I don't know how you live with him.
Martin
Well, that was Roz's idea. She suggested that I move in with you for a while.
Niles
[dumbstruck] Did she?
Martin
Yeah. You know, we talked about it when I first got shot, but of course Maris was the problem. So I guess the big question now is: do you still want me?
Niles
[a fake smile pasted on] Oh, don't be silly. I want you just as much now as I wanted you then.
Martin
Well, I guess this is gonna work out. Thanks, Roz.
Roz
Don't mention it. The look on Niles's face is thanks enough.
Niles
Now, Dad, you're sure it won't bother you to live so far from the park and McGinty's?
Martin
Oh, no, no, not at all. There's a bus stop right in front of your place. Eddie and I don't mind takin' the bus.
Niles
[realizing] Eddie? Eddie. You know, I just remembered, Dad, my building doesn't allow dogs.
Martin
Oh, well that's it, then. 'Cause I'm not leavin' Eddie.
Niles
Oh, of all the horrendous luck.
Martin
Oh, well, thanks anyway. I guess I'll just look for a little place. Can't be too small, though, 'cause I gotta have a bedroom for Daphne.
Niles
You know, Dad. About that no dog rule: I could talk to Clarice, the head of our co-op board.
Martin
Oh, really? You think they'd make an exception?
Niles
Well, let's just say she's bent quite a few rules in her day, and if she doesn't want her husband to find out, she'll bend this one.
Martin
Oh, that's great!
Niles
Yes, well, then it's settled. Daphne can move in straight away. [Martin looks expectant.] YOU and Daphne.
Martin
Great!
Frasier
Oh, hello Niles.
Niles
Frasier, where's Daphne?
Frasier
I think at the market. Hello, Dad.
Martin
Ah, Frasier, about this afternoon...
Frasier
Look, let's just drop it, all right? All's well that end's well, and this afternoon ended very well indeed.
Martin
Oh, your underwear model called?
Frasier
Mm-hmm. Just after you left, actually. We spoke for about an hour, and we're having dinner on Saturday night.
Martin
[hanging up his coat] Well, that's great! I hope everything works out.
Frasier
Actually, Dad, on that score, uh, you could make yourself scarce that night.
Martin
Well, actually, I'm movin' in with Niles for a couple of months.
Frasier
Well, have some confidence in me, Dad, it won't take me that long.
Martin
Nah, no, no, no. I mean it. Niles and I have been talking about it.
Niles
Yes. And I think it's a fine idea.
Frasier
Well, you know, I know I've been out of sorts lately, Dad, but I hope I haven't made you feel unwelcome...
Martin
No, no. It's nothin' like that. Listen, I've been livin' under your roof for five years now, you've earned a little time to yourself.
Frasier
Still, maybe you should sleep on it for tonight...
Niles
Frasier, Frasier, please. You've had a chance to get closer to Dad these past few years and I wouldn't mind having that same chance myself. Frankly, I'm a bit jealous.
Frasier
Well, I am sorry, Niles. I guess I haven't been seeing this from your angle.
Daphne
Hello, all.
Niles
Hello, Daphne.
Frasier
And quite a little angle it is, too.
Martin
Oh, Daph, let me ask you somethin'. How would you feel about movin' in with Niles?
Daphne
Are you serious?
Niles
Yes.
Daphne
Just me?
Niles
Yes. [recovering] No, no. And Dad.
Martin
Just 'til Frasier goes back to work. It's been a little crowded around here.
Daphne
Well, I won't argue with that. You know, Dr. Crane has quite a few stairs, are you sure you can manage them?
Martin
[sitting] Oh, sure. Nobody knows better than you how my well my hip's gettin'.
Niles
[taking the bag from her] Well, what are we waiting for? Let's get you packed.
Daphne
Wait a minute. [Niles stops and turns.] I was hired as Mr. Crane's physical therapist. If he can make it up and down that staircase of yours, he really doesn't need full time care anymore. This is hard for me to say, but maybe it's time I moved on.
Daphne
We all knew this day would come sooner or later.
Martin
What about my exercises?
Daphne
You'll do fine on your own. Believe me, it's not like I want to move on, I'm very fond of you all. I'm not like a psychiatrist, who works with someone for years and years and it doesn't matter if they ever get better. [Martin nods in understanding, Frasier and Niles share a look.] My work here is done. I have to go where I'm needed.
Daphne
It's not like I'm leaving right this minute. I'll help you get settled in while I look for a new job.
Niles
But Daphne...
Daphne
Oh, please, don't make a big fuss about this. You'll just make me cry. This is no time for tears.
Martin
Well, I guess you know what's best. It's sure gonna be lonely, though, just the two of us.
Daphne
It won't just be the two of you, you'll have Eddie.
Niles
Dad?
Martin
[not looking] Eddie, whatever you're on, get off.
Daphne
I've been on hold with my employment agency forever. [into phone] Yes, I'm here. Nothing at all, not even part-time therapy? Well, I'll stay in touch. Bye-bye.
Niles
So, no job yet, eh?
Daphne
No, unfortunately. Still, tragedies happen every day. I mustn't give up hope.
Niles
I wish you'd consider staying here with us. I don't know how Dad's going to manage without you.
Daphne
He doesn't need me anymore.
Niles
Nonsense. I know he puts on a brave front, the plain truth is, the man is practically an invalid.
Martin
All right, come back here!
Daphne
[laughing] What's he got now?
Martin
Oh, my sneaker. You give me that back or I'm not taking you for your speed walk!
Martin
Oh, hi Frasier.
Frasier
Hi, Dad. Hi, Niles. Forgive me, I know how annoying it can be to drop by without calling first.
Niles
Oh, don't worry, I used to do it all the time.
Frasier
That's how I know. Hello, Eddie. Got a little surprise for you, something you left at the house. There you are.
Frasier
Don't worry, Niles, you'll get used to it. Oh, and Dad, I've got a little surprise for you as well. Just a minute. All right, boys, bring it on in here.
Martin
Oh, great, here it is! Now the place is starting to look like home.
Frasier
Yes, and finally so is mine!
Martin
Well, I'm just gonna go finish unpacking.
Niles
Well, you just follow him up with that.
Martin
Oh, no, no, leave it right there. That way I won't get my pizza cheese all over your fancy chairs.
Niles
Doesn't the cheese go in your mouth?
Frasier
Well, that's certainly the goal, Niles, but you can't hit that bulls eye every time.
Niles
OK, this isn't working out, you have to take him back now.
Frasier
Niles, he's only been here for eight hours.
Niles
I don't care. I only signed on for this because Daphne came in the bargain and now she's leaving and Frasier, you have to help me, I'm desperate!
Martin
[calling from upstairs] Niles, which wall should I hang my swordfish on?
Niles
[horrified] None of them! I just had that room frescoed!
Frasier
Daph...
Daphne
Thanks, Ronny, you're a life saver. Bye-bye. [She hangs up.]
Frasier
Well, good news on the job front?
Daphne
Yes, a friend of mine just got me an interview. It's an elderly woman suffering from brittle bone disease, poor thing.
Frasier
Well, normally I'd say "Break a leg", but...
Daphne
Oh, I'm gonna miss you. All of you. [They hug.] But like I told your brother, there's simply no reason for me to stay as long as your father's so strong and healthy.
Frasier
Oh, dear God.
Frasier
Oh, my God! Dad!
Daphne
Oh, are you all right?
Martin
Yeah.
Frasier
What happened?
Niles
I don't know.
Martin
We just got tangled up there.
Niles
Dad, I am so sorry!
Martin
Don't worry about it, it was an accident.
Daphne
Well, you do seem to be in one piece. Still, it was an awfully big fall. Dr. Crane, would you help me get some ice?
Niles
Good thinking, Daphne. I know I could use a drink.
Martin
Boy, that was so weird. Niles just kicked my cane right out from under me.
Martin
Yeah, I know he wants to keep Daphne around here, but I didn't think he'd go that far. [laughs]
Frasier
Well, no, not deliberately, but maybe he was acting on an unconscious level.
Martin
What are you talking about? I was just making a joke.
Frasier
Oh. Well, then just-just skip it, Dad.
Martin
No, no, wait a minute. You think Niles was actually trying to hurt me?
Frasier
No, no. It's just that... well, sometimes, when the motivation is strong enough, the unconscious can cause a person to act in ways that the conscious would find unthinkable.
Martin
So you're saying that this wasn't an accident.
Frasier
...Ah, it's a crazy theory. I'm sorry I even brought it up. You know what? I, uh, I think I'll be off now. Off to my bachelor pad, I have a date with a lingerie model. Ha, ha, ha... "bachelor pad, lingerie model" - the sweetest words in the English language.
Martin
I'm sorry I won't be there.
Frasier
Wait. We have a tie!
Niles
Frasier. [He closes the door after him.]
Daphne
All right, Mr. Crane, I need you to take a seat so I can ice your hip.
Martin
Oh, I'm fine. Why is everyone making such a fuss?
Daphne
Wait, don't sit down!
Martin
[jumping up] What?!
Daphne
You nearly impaled yourself.
Niles
Oh, thank you Daphne. I don't know what it is about these things, they keep ending up in the oddest places.
Rebecca
[v.o. from the machine] Hi, Frasier, it's Rebecca. Your voice sounds so sexy on your machine. Anyway, I loved talking to you this afternoon and I was thinking: instead of going to a noisy restaurant, maybe we can just stay in tonight. Open some wine, curl up in front of a fire. Just a warning though, I'm coming straight from a shoot, so I'll be wearing my work clothes. [She giggles.] I can't believe I just said that.
Rebecca
Hi, Frasier, it's Rebecca. Your voice sounds so sexy on your machine. Anyway, I loved talking to you...
Martin
Boy, the floors around here are so slippery!
Niles
Yes, I, I just had them polished.
Martin
Well, I wish you would have told me, Eddie just slid into a wall and chipped a tooth.
Niles
Well, Dad, I can assure you there will be no slipping in here. [Gesturing to the bath.] Look: a brand new safety rail installed just for you. And, as requested, traction decals!
Martin
[leaning over the tub] Oh, I don't need to worry about falling in... [The rail collapses under the pressure of his hand.]
Niles
Oh, Dad, are you OK?
Martin
Wow, yeah. It's a good thing I wasn't in the shower, I could have cracked my head open.
Niles
Guess I'm not much of a handyman, am I?
Martin
[looking nervous] You put this thing up yourself?
Niles
Yes, my contractor was out of town. Don't worry, you can use my bathroom to shower. Just let me know when you do. The plumbing's a bit temperamental and if I were to run the dishwasher, you might be horribly scalded.
Martin
[following] You know? I took an extra long shower yesterday, you know? That oughta hold me.
Niles
You sure you don't need a hand?
Martin
Just keep movin'.
Daphne
Guess what? I got the job! I can't believe it! I start in the morning.
Niles
You what?
Daphne
I'll tell you all about it later. I've got to call my employment agency right away.
Niles
I can't let her leave. I just can't.
Martin
[nervous] Well, there's nothin' we can do about it.
Niles
[coming down the stairs, his look becoming more cunning] I still have a day. I just have to be more resourceful.
Martin
[fear on his face] Like how? [stumbles back against a pillar]
Niles
It's my problem, not yours. I just have to think. Fresh air, maybe that'll calm me down.
Niles
Oh, look at the sunset! Dad, come join me on the balcony.
Martin
Eddie! Get outta here! Quick! Come on, come on, come on!
Frasier
Dad! Good lord, what are you doing here? [He uses the remote to shut off the stereo.]
Martin
We gotta talk.
Frasier
Now? It's not a good time.
Martin
But it's getting spooky over at Niles's.
Frasier
Well, yes, yes, I know it's a little unsettling the way he changes into that Chinese dressing gown after dinner, but you'll get used to it.
Martin
No, no, no. I think his unconscious is trying to hurt me.
Frasier
Oh, Dad, that's preposterous.
Martin
No it isn't.
Frasier
Can't we talk about this in the morning? Believe me, there is no way your own flesh and blood would try to hurt you.
Frasier
Oh, I'm sorry.
Martin
Well at least let me get Eddie's pillow out of my room, will you?
Frasier
All right, all right, just hurry it up, will ya?
Frasier
Daphne! [He shuts the music off.] What is going on?
Daphne
I hope I'm not catching you at a bad time.
Frasier
Well, actually, I'm waiting for a date!
Daphne
I'll just run in and out, I need to pick up my... [she starts crying]...exercise mat.
Frasier
Oh, good lord. Is everything all right?
Daphne
I'm sorry. I think I'm just a bit nervous about my new job.
Frasier
Yes.
Daphne
I'll be all right.
Frasier
Yes.
Daphne
I just wish, I just wish I didn't miss being here so much. [She starts crying again.]
Frasier
Oh, Daphne, oh, I'm sorry. Listen, you're going to be just fine. You know, transitions are always difficult. [The doorbell rings and he shoves her towards her room.] The trick is just not to rush them.
Frasier
Niles! [He shuts the music off.] What the hell are you doing here?!
Niles
I'm going out of my mind. I am this close to living under the same roof as Daphne. If I could just...
Frasier
All right, Niles, before you go on, let me just say one thing.
Niles
What is it?
Frasier
Get out!
Niles
Wait, wait! I need to talk about this.
Frasier
Get out! Niles!
Martin
[coming from his room] Is that Niles?
Niles
Dad! Dad, why did you run off? I've been looking for you everywhere.
Martin
No, Niles, just stay away from me.
Niles
What?
Martin
Now, Niles, I'm not mad at you, just your unconscious. It wants Daphne to stay around so bad that it's been tryin' to hurt me.
Niles
What?
Martin
Well, Frasier can explain it better.
Niles
Exactly who is hurting whom and what does any of this have to do with... [seeing her as she comes in] Daphne.
Daphne
Oh, look. We're all together again, just like... [crying again] old times.
Niles
[rushing to hold her] Oh, dear.
Frasier
Oh, God. Well, we certainly do have a lot to talk about. I tell you what: let's all meet at Niles's for breakfast tomorrow.
Martin
I'm not gettin' in the elevator with him.
Frasier
All right Dad, Daphne, go in shifts then. You first.
Daphne
All right.
Frasier
So long. Eddie, you too, shake a leg mister. Let's go, outta here, move it, move it, move it. [Eddie scurries out and Frasier closes the door behind him.]
Niles
You actually convinced Dad I was trying to harm him?
Frasier
Oh, Niles, I did no such thing. I simply advanced a theory, I had no idea he would take it to heart.
Niles
Oh, balderdash!
Frasier
Please, Niles, surely it's occurred to you that your desire for Daphne's forcing you to behave in very strange ways. Or do you shove Dad down the stairs every day?
Niles
That was an accident!
Frasier
Oh, Niles, any psychiatrist worth his salt knows that there are no accidents. No one would do something like that, however unconsciously, unless they stood to gain from it.
Frasier
Oh, dear!
Frasier
Oh, my God!
Niles
Oh, thank God! [realizing] ...we're here to help!
Martin
What did you kick my cane for?
Daphne
It was an accident! I was playing with Eddie!
Martin
My hip's killing me!
Frasier
Dad, don't worry about it. Niles has that nice comfy bed you can recuperate in.
Martin
I can't go up and down those stairs now!
Niles
I think the best thing would be for him to stay with you again for the time being.
Daphne
He'll need full time attention, I'll cancel my job right away.
Frasier
All right, just hold it! Nobody's canceling anything! For God's sake, the man just fell down a flight of stairs today, he could hardly have been hurt worse stumbling in a carpeted hallway!
Frasier
Get up, ya big crybaby! No pain, no gain.
Martin
Oh, no, but it hurts!
Frasier
Oh, Dad, boo-hoo! I want you out of here! I don't care if you have to crawl like a bog turtle!
Frasier
Oh, Rebecca. [He grabs the remote and turns on the stereo.] I didn't see you standing there. Why don't you just step on over my father, help yourself to some wine?
Rebecca
What kind of a heartless bastard are you?! [pushes the button]
Frasier
Oh, no, Rebecca, you don't understand. It's not the way it looks. He's very resilient! He's been shot before!
Daphne
Dr. Crane, we really should get him inside.
Frasier
[a crushed look on his face] Yes. Just give me... a moment.
Frasier
All right, bring him in.