Hot Ticket

Frasier

Well, I better be heading out. Niles and I are meeting for dinner, and then we have tickets to the theatrical event of the season.

Martin

Oh, really?

Frasier

Yes, Sir Trevor Aimsley in "Tears of the Mariner."

Martin

Oh.

Frasier

It promises to be a very exciting evening. You see, Seattle is Sir Trevor's last stop on his farewell tour. After this, he's retiring from the stage forever.

Martin

"Tears of the Mariner." You know, I think I read a review of that. Thought it was one of those baseball stories like "Pride of the Yankees", you know? But it's just about some crabby old sailor, stuck in this little town...

Frasier

No, no, Dad, please. I have carefully avoided all the reviews of this play. I do not want to hear about it before I see it.

Martin

Well, I don't want to hear about it after you see it.

Frasier

Oh, hello Daphne.

Martin

Hey, Daph.

Daphne

That's it? "Hello Daphne"? Haven't you seen the paper?

Martin

Well, I glanced at it. Why, did I miss something?

Daphne

Look!

Martin

[laughing] Oh, my gosh! Is that you?

Daphne

Yes!

Frasier

Well, good heavens, it's kind of hard to tell. You've got your back turned to the camera, your skirts blown up around your... Oh, well, it must've been rather blustery out.

Daphne

I was in the park yesterday, and this photographer snapped my picture for the "It's Your Seattle" column - the one where they show some average person out and about, then use their name on the column. For instance, if they used a picture of Mr. Crane, the caption would read "Martin Crane's Seattle." Or if they took one of you it would say "Frasier Crane's Se-"

Frasier

Yes, we get it.

Daphne

Well, don't crinkle it, I want to send it home to my family.

Martin

You sure about that?

Daphne

Oh, don't be such an old fogey. So I'm bending down and me knickers are showing a bit, but my family'll still be proud as peacocks when they see that: "Daphne Moon's Seattle".

Frasier

She certainly does.

Frasier

Niles, will you just stop it? The dinner was just fine.

Niles

It was not fine. I made those reservations weeks ago. They seated us so close to the kitchen I'm surprised they didn't make us wear hair nets.

Frasier

I'm sure it was just a mix-up.

Niles

It's not a mix-up. It's part of an alarming trend I've noticed ever since Maris and I parted company.

Frasier

Oh, Niles.

Niles

Last week, Roberta Phipps snubbed me at the opera. I wasn't even invited to that gala fundrasier for St. Andrew's Orphanage.

Frasier

You can still send money to the children.

Niles

As usual, you've missed the point. I'm being shut out. It's as if someone snuck into my world and changed all the locks.

Frasier

Oh, Niles. [pulling out the tickets] Well, at least you don't have to worry about that tonight. After you.

Niles

Evening.

Usher

Tickets, please.

Usher

Oh, I'm sorry sir, these aren't for this performance.

Niles

What?

Frasier

What? But they say for the sixteenth, that's the sixteenth right there, that's today.

Usher

Yes sir, they were for the matinee.

Niles

Oh, no, no there has to be some mistake, let me just... Oh, dear God.

Frasier

I'm so sorry, Niles.

Niles

Well, surely you must hold some tickets aside for emergencies. We'll take anything, anything at all.

Frasier

Yes, even mezzanine.

Usher

If you like, you can try your luck in the cancellation line.

Niles

How could this happen? I have to see this play. I have to have people see me see this play. If I'm not seen seeing this play, you see...

Frasier

Niles, Niles, Niles! I will make a simple phone call and we'll get house seats for tomorrow night, all right?

Niles

I suppose so. Come on, let's go. The last thing I need is for someone to see us loitering out here like gutter riff- raff pathetically scrounging for last minute tickets.

Frasier

Good luck!

Frasier

Oh, Niles.

Niles

Hello, I know I'm a bit early, I was hoping we could get a bite to eat before the theater.

Frasier

Actually, Niles...

Niles

Yeah, yeah, it'll be on me of course, as a thank you for getting those replacement tickets.

Frasier

Yes, about the tickets...

Niles

I know, I owe you money. And my gratitude. And if I keep talking, you won't be able to tell me you weren't able to get the tickets.

Frasier

Just haven't been able to get them yet...

Niles

Oh, I KNEW you wouldn't get them!

Frasier

Niles, please.

Niles

Oh, and now it's too late. It's six o'clock.

Frasier

Please, just calm down. I've made a few well placed calls, I haven't heard back from a couple of people. Someone will call.

Niles

Well, someone better call. Because everyone who's anyone is seeing this play. And you know who you are if you're not anyone? You're NO ONE. And I've been someone much too long to start being no one now.

Martin

Oh, hey, I thought no one was here. [Niles begins to throw another fit]

Frasier

Niles, please, just relax. One way or another, we are going to get tickets to this play.

Martin

You two still going on about those tickets? If this play is any good at all, in a coupla years they'll do it down at the dinner theater and you can get a nice prime rib with it.

Frasier

Dad, you don't understand. You see, this isn't just about the play. This is literally our last opportunity to see one of the finest actors of our time.

Martin

You just want to go 'cause all your snobby friends are goin' and you don't want to feel left out.

Niles

What we want is to sit at a theater and share a transcendent experience.

Martin

That nobody else could get tickets to.

Frasier

Of course. That's the transcendent part.

Frasier

Hello? ... Yes, I'll hold. [to Niles] It's Cleo Fenwick.

Niles

Cleo Fenwick?

Frasier

Yes, you remember her, she's on the board of the theater. You've seen her: bad eye-job, dowager's hump you could cross the Sahara on. [into phone] Hello, Cleo, you lovely thing. Uh-huh. Oh, well, you're a dear for trying. Thanks. Oh, don't despair Niles, I'm getting another call. Hello? Yes, Dora! Yes, uh-huh. Too bad. Well, thank you. Yeah, oh, that is a wonderful idea, yes I will! Thank you, bye-bye. [He disconnects.]

Niles

She has a lead for us?

Frasier

Yes, she said I should call Cleo Fenwick.

Niles

This is hopeless.

Frasier

Niles, there is another way.

Niles

You don't mean...

Frasier

Yes. I know it's a calculated risk. It is a little uncertain.

Niles

You can't be serious. It's unthinkable.

Frasier

Niles, what other choice do we have?

Niles

But the indignity, it reeks of desperation.

Martin

Now, now, before you do anything desperate, at least go stand in the cancellation line. [exits to kitchen]

Niles

What did he think we were talking about?

Niles

Oh no it's Stephen and Susan Kendall. Quick, turn around. If they see us here, we'll be ruined. They know everybody.

Frasier

Yes, I know. Their Sunday brunches are a Who's Who of Seattle's elite.

Niles

[glancing over his shoulder] I think it's safe. No one saw us.

Roz

[calling out and hurrying over] Hey, Frasier! Niles!

Frasier

Roz. What are you doing here?

Niles

And how did you get tickets?

Roz

Oh, a friend of mine couldn't use hers, so she gave them to me. I asked my cute new dentist, he's a big fan of Sir What's-his-face.

Frasier

You refer to the world's greatest living actor as...

Niles

Now, now, Frasier. Roz may not be familiar with Sir Trevor, but I'm sure she'll enjoy the play. I trust you got good seats?

Roz

[taking the tickets out to check] Ooh. I think so. Row C?

Niles

Row C. Excellent. [then] Look, a whole bunch of naked men.

Roz

What are you doing?

Niles

Give me those, you philistine! You don't even know his name!

Roz

Are you crazy?!

Rob

Ready to go, Roz?

Roz

Yes.

Niles

Dr. Mandell?

Rob

Oh, hi, Niles.

Roz

You two know each other?

Rob

Sure. How's the teeth bleaching going?

Niles

[folding his lips over his teeth] Fine, thanks.

Roz

Let's go, Rob. It's a long way to row C from the cancellation line. [She heads for the entrance.]

Rob

Hang in there, guys. I wouldn't be surprised if you get lucky.

Niles

I'd be stupefied if you didn't.

Frasier

I knew you were bleaching them.

Niles

Oh...

Frasier

"No, really, I just changed toothpastes."

Susan

Is that Niles Crane? And Frasier.

Frasier

Oh, Susan.

Niles

Stephen.

Susan

We're seeing everybody tonight. It simply... oh, dear. You're not waiting for a cancellation, are you?

Niles

Is that what this is?

Frasier

I feel just... Look at us. Blocking these poor unfortunates who couldn't get tickets.

Seller

I got one pair left. Who's next?

Usher

Curtain going up.

Frasier

[ushering the Kendalls along] Curtain going up, shall we?

Seller

Next in line, please.

Susan

Niles, you coming?

Niles

I, uh...

Frasier

You'll have to forgive my brother. You see, he's too ashamed to admit he's just waiting for one last cigarette. It's all right, Niles, you go right ahead, I'll just see the Kendalls in.

Niles

OK.

Stephen

Thank God, another smoker. Darling, maybe I'll just stay and have a cigarette with Niles.

Seller

Do you want these tickets, sir?

Niles

Me? Oh, oh, no, no! [He steps aside for the next people in line.]

Susan

Stephen, please. I'd really like to sit down.

Stephen

All right. Niles, we'll make a date. I'll meet you right here at intermission and we'll have a smoke.

Niles

Oh, right here is where I'll be.

Frasier

Enjoy.

Susan

See you later.

Frasier

Well, this is just perfect. Not only are we missing the play, but now we have to hang around here until intermission, so they don't catch on to us.

Niles

Oh, what are you complaining about? I'm the one who has an hour to learn how to smoke.

Frasier

Niles! They're coming out. Come on, let's blend in.

Frasier

Niles, what are you doing?

Niles

I'm practicing. I haven't held a cigarette since I played Duke Mantee in our junior high production of "The Petrified Forest."

Frasier

Yes, I remember watching you from the petrified audience. Come on. Oh, there they are, let's go.

Stephen

Oh, well, you got out here quickly. I guess you needed one of these more than I did, huh?

Niles

Yes, well, when you enjoy smoking as much as I do, noth... [Having taken a puff, he breaks down coughing.]

Susan

Oh, bye-bye. Feel better, I'll call you.

Stephen

The Gornleys. Kendra isn't feeling well, Richard is taking her home. Oh, there's Mikki and Lyle.

Susan

Poor old dears, they could only get balcony.

Stephen

Still, we should say hello. They are your parents. Excuse us.

Niles

[crushing out his cigarette] My God, these things are turning me green!

Frasier

Never mind that, Niles. The Gornleys are not coming back. Let's go sneak into their seats and watch the second act.

Niles

Let's go!

Usher

Your ticket stubs, please.

Frasier

Oh, I beg your pardon?

Usher

Well, I'm sorry, we've had some people try to sneak in after intermission.

Frasier

Well, you know, I think we, I left our coats in our seats and our stubs are in the coats.

Usher

Oh, don't worry about it. [They turn to head in, but are stopped again.] We'll just have someone bring your coats to you. Where are your seats?

Frasier

I'll...have to check the seating chart.

Stephen

Aren't you going in?

Frasier

Well, yes, yes, my brother just needed to have one last cigarette.

Susan

Oh, you're worse than Stephen.

Frasier

Yes, really, Niles, I do wish you'd quit. I'm begging you.

Niles

I just wish I didn't love the damn things so much. [He lights up.]

Frasier

Yes, well, if we don't see you after, have a lovely evening.

Susan

Actually, we're having a small supper at Le Chanteuse afterwards for Sir Trevor. So if you're not busy, say around eleven?

Susan

Good, we'll see you then.

Niles

[stamping out the cigarette] Frasier! Dinner with Sir Trevor, that's better than seeing the play!

Frasier

Niles, are you insane? We know absolutely nothing about the damn play! How can we possibly talk with this man? For God's sake, I just wish I'd read that review in yesterday's paper.

Niles

Do you still have it?

Frasier

I might. Dad lets the papers pile up for days sometimes. You know what? We've got just enough time to go there and get back. Let's go!

Stephen

Where are you going?

Frasier

See, I told you it was the other way.

Frasier

[muttering] God!

Martin

What's goin' on?

Frasier

Dad, we're looking for yesterday's paper.

Martin

Oh, well, it should be there.

Frasier

Oh Dad! That review you were reading yesterday, "Tears of the Mariner." Do you remember it?

Martin

[unsure] Kinda.

Frasier

Just concentrate: What was the play about?

Martin

Well, let me see, uh, it started out with this old guy who was guttin' a fish. And then he gives this fish to his son, but his son rejects it.

Frasier

Good! Good, then what?

Martin

Uh...oh, yeah! Well, then it turns out he's got this fatal disease, and the next thing you know, he's in this big stadium. And he's telling everyone that even though he's dying, that today, he considers himself the luckiest...

Frasier

Dad! That is "Pride of the Yankees"!

Martin

Oh, yeah, that's right. I'm sorry, I'm sorry about that. But I'm pretty sure that fish part was right.

Niles

Yes, yes! Here it is!

Frasier

Let me see: "Trevor Aimsley's bravura performance in 'Tears of the Mariner' qualifies him as an..." Yes, blah blah blah, blah blah blah, continued on page A-sixteen.

Niles

Where is it?

Frasier

Daphne! Her picture must have been on the other side. It may still be here, she was going to mail it to her mother. [He heads to the living room.]

Niles

[following] Daphne's picture was in the paper?

Frasier

Yes, well someone snapped a candid photo of her in the park. If you ask me, it was not her most flattering angle, but I'm sure you would disagree. [He grabs Daphne's letter.]

Niles

Well, open it.

Frasier

Carefully... Oh, what the hell, I'll buy her flowers.

Daphne

Hey, Dr. Crane, I thought you went... Is that my letter?

Frasier

Daphne, let me explain...

Daphne

[grabbing the letter] No, no, I should have known I'd never get any privacy in this house.

Frasier

You don't understand. I just wanted to...

Daphne

You just wanted to find out if I was gossiping about you to my mum. Well, fine! I was. A seventy-three year old woman in Manchester is about to find out that you dye the grey out of your temples. There! You happy?

Frasier

No, I am not happy, I am mortified! [he pauses] How did you know that? I keep my hair dye in the false bottom of my cufflink box.

Daphne

Yeah, well... I'll let it go this time.

Frasier

Oh, we haven't got time for this! We've to get down to that party!

Niles

I knew you were dyeing your hair.

Frasier

Shut up.

Niles

"No, no, really, it's just my new conditioner."

Frasier

Shut up!

Frasier

Whatever you do, don't get specific about the play. That's the mistake you made last year when you lied about having seen "The Silent Echo." All that yammering on about how the play had third act problems. It fooled no one.

Niles

What makes you so sure?

Frasier

Well, for starters, "The Silent Echo" doesn't have a third act.

Trevor

Thank you. [then] God, I need a drink. [to bartender] Double scotch, no ice.

Bartender

Yes, sir.

Susan

Frasier, Niles, how nice. Sir Trevor, this is Dr. Frasier Crane and his brother Dr. Niles Crane.

Frasier

[shaking his hand] It's an honor.

Susan

Two of our city's preeminent psychiatrists.

Niles

[shaking his hand] Huge fans.

Frasier

Huge, yes.

Susan

They've set up a table for us in the private room, shall we?

Trevor

No, I'll just finish this and be right along. Perhaps the two doctors will keep me company. I'd love to hear a psychological interpretation of the play.

Susan

All right, but don't be too long. [She leaves.]

Trevor

So, tell me, as students of the human psyche, did my character ring true?

Frasier

Oh, oh yes. So true.

Niles

I can honestly say I never saw a false moment.

Trevor

Well, what about the third act? The play clearly has a third act problem.

Niles

Well, at least it has a third act, unlike "The Silent Echo" which really could have used one. [Frasier gives him a dark look.]

Trevor

I quite agree. I did "The Silent Echo" in London, last year. What did you think of the hat scene? [Frasier now gives Niles a cheery "What now?" look.]

Niles

The hat scene? Well, you know, the most important thing about the hat scene, and I have to stress this... oh dear God, is that clock right? I have to call the sitter and tell her I'm going to be late. The children worry so. [He rushes off.]

Trevor

Well, back to the play.

Frasier

Right. Well, you, of course, were brilliant.

Trevor

Oh, please! Dr. Crane, I just want your professional analysis of what you saw tonight.

Frasier

Well, it, uh... of course I could discuss subtext, metaphor and imagery with you, but you see, I, I come to the theater to feel. To be moved, and that is exactly what happened to me tonight.

Trevor

Really? When?

Frasier

When? Well, let me see...uh, um, well, there was that, uh, the gutting the fish scene. You make the most heart-breaking gesture... It was, uh, you know, the one with, with your hands... [He motions vaguely.]

Trevor

Oh, you mean when I offer the fish to my son and he turns his back to me and I reach out to him like this? [does so]

Frasier

Yes, it's even more moving the second time. Well, who knows why a, a moment like that touches us so. You see, that is your gift, Sir Trevor. You've given us hundreds of moments. Moments so real, so compelling that we are revealed in their truth.

Trevor

You don't know how refreshing this is. To meet someone who doesn't just come to the theater, but who gives himself over to it. That crowd in there, they only come because it's fashionable. They don't care about art. I can spot them at a glance: the poseur, the fraud. Oh, here comes your brother.

Niles

[sitting down again] Kids are fine.

Trevor

Oh.

Waitress

Excuse me Sir Trevor, they're waiting for you in the dining room.

Trevor

Ah, very well. [stands up and takes Frasier by the shoulders] And thank you, Dr. Crane, for your integrity and your passion. You are the reason that actors act.

Niles

Well, I'm sorry I deserted you but obviously you carried the day. Bravo!

Frasier

[disgusted with himself] Oh, yes, bravo for us!

Niles

[half-expecting the answer] What do you mean?

Frasier

Do you realize what we missed tonight? A potentially life-changing experience in the theater. And why? Because we were too embarrassed to be seen in a cancellation line.

Niles

You're right. What were we thinking? Kowtowing to a group of snobs like that.

Frasier

We weren't thinking. Come on, let's get out of here.

Susan

Frasier, Niles.

Frasier

Oh, Susan, I'm so sorry, but we can't stay.

Susan

Oh, no. Sir Trevor will be so disappointed. He was quite taken with you.

Frasier

Well, send him our apologies. It really was wonderful to meet him.

Susan

I know this is short notice, but if you're free this weekend, we're having one of our Sunday brunches. Senator Logan is coming and Maria DeFalco and the Whitneys...

Frasier

Yes, but I'm afraid that we...

Susan

Oh, please try. I'll hold it open for you. Check your books and let me know. [She goes back to the dining room.]

Frasier

Well, how's that for irony?

Niles

Sunday brunch at the Kendalls'. An hour ago we would have leapt at that invitation.

Frasier

Not anymore. We've got a damn sight too much integrity. [They start to leave.] Although... Are we being selfish?

Niles

Possibly. How?

Frasier

Here's my thinking. Why do shallow people remain that way? The lack of positive influence.

Niles

Perhaps our brand of integrity is just what that group needs.

Frasier

Yes! We can be like those politicians who try to change the system from within.

Niles

Exactly. And who knows? Maybe it'll rub off on Senator Logan, he'll bring it back with him to Washington.

Frasier

Well now we HAVE to go.

Niles

What are you wearing?

Frasier

I'm going to wear my new Prada suit.

Niles

Oh, you're a fashion plate and a patriot.