First Do No Harm
Aired 29th October 1998 · Written by Jordan Hawley & William Schifrin · Directed by Sheldon Epps
Customer
Dr. Crane. I just wanted to tell you how much I miss your show.
Frasier
Oh, well thank you so much. I miss it too. Yes, the brisk interchange of ideas, the crackling interplay between me and my callers.
Customer
[obviously haven gotten more than he wanted] Uh-huh.
Frasier
Well, you're very kind.
Frasier
See that, Roz? The public still craves the kind of excitement that only Frasier Crane can provide. [Roz is asleep.] Roz!
Roz
I am so sorry. The baby kept me up all night long last night. I'm trying to get her used to her crib, but she just hates to sleep alone.
Frasier
Well, the acorn certainly doesn't fall far from the...
Roz
I have GOT to wake up. I'm on my way to an interview. I mean, I'd kill for a cup of regular coffee, but I'm still nursing so I can't. You know, it was all I could do just to get myself dressed and then feed the baby this morning.
Frasier
Yes, you know, next time maybe you should try feeding first and dressing second. [He points to a large stain on her blouse.]
Roz
Oh, my God! How did I miss this?
Frasier
Well... on the plus side, it does divert the eye from the blueberries in your teeth.
Roz
What?! I can't go to this interview like this.
Frasier
Of course you can.
Roz
Oh, I'm just gonna call and cancel.
Frasier
No, no, no, Roz, please! Just check your teeth, put your jacket on and I swear you'll look every inch the smart career gal on the go. There.
Roz
Thanks, Frasier.
Martin
Hey, Roz. Is that the newest thing, wearin' two different shoes?
Roz
[looking down] Oh, my God! [She hurries out.]
Frasier
Hi, Dad. So, what brings you here?
Martin
[sitting] Well, I thought you needed a little cheerin' up. You've been kinda mopey lately.
Frasier
Well, I had kind of a rough night at the wine club. During the blindfolded tasting, I gave four stars to a Mexican Zinfandel.
Martin
Well, I don't just mean last night. You've been kinda down ever since you lost your job, you know? And you haven't had a date in I don't know how long.
Frasier
Yes, well, I know how long, and this isn't the way to cheer me up.
Martin
Well, don't worry, I found a girl for you. Now, Duke's daughter Marie just moved back in town...
Frasier
Dad, blind dates remain the refuge of the lovelorn.
Martin
You know, if you didn't talk like that you might not have to get set up so much. Now listen, she's not a blind date, you know Marie, you spent a week with her at the lake.
Frasier
She was six years old!
Martin
Well, Duke said she's grown into a real looker.
Frasier
Yes, well I have SEEN Duke, and unless he sired a love child with Catherine Deneuve, I don't like my odds.
Marie
Uncle Martin.
Martin
Oh, Marie! Look at you! You remember Frasier.
Frasier
Bonjour.
Marie
I don't know when I've had such a delicious meal. You really made this dessert yourself?
Frasier
Well, yes. A little something I like to call "Crane Br�lée."
Frasier
Is everything all right there?
Marie
Oh, it's just a little quirk of mine. I like to keep things straight. You know, in parallel lines.
Frasier
Yes, I noticed that earlier with the asparagus.
Marie
It's weird, I know. It used to drive my mother crazy.
Frasier
Oh, we all have our little idiosyncrasies. How is your mother, anyway?
Marie
Still in my face. After the divorce, things just got worse. [She adjusts his silverware.] Oh, I'm doing it again, aren't I? I'm sorry, I'll stop. Look. [She deliberately places a spoon at an odd angle.] Anyway, I haven't figured out how to have a normal relationship with her.
Frasier
Well, you know, we're all striving to have what we call "normal relationships," but who really knows what normal is? You can move it back now.
Marie
[putting the spoon back in its place] Thank you.
Frasier
[rising] What do you say we have our wine out on the balcony?
Marie
The balcony?
Frasier
Yes, you haven't had a chance to see the view.
Marie
Oh, wow! That is some view all right! Beautiful.
Frasier
You're afraid of heights, aren't you?
Marie
I'm taking classes. They give us these exercises to do, they just work better when you're standing on a little milk crate. Oh, I must seem totally neurotic.
Frasier
Not at all.
Marie
I guess I'm going a little nuts since I moved back in with my dad. Thank God I'm getting my own place next week.
Frasier
Yes, I suspect that will help a lot. You know, very often, the key to mental health is distancing ourselves from our parents.
Martin
I'm home! Oh, hey, sorry to barge in on you kids.
Marie
That's all right, why don't you join us for dessert.
Martin
Oh, thanks anyway, but I had "Crane Br�lée" for lunch.
Frasier
I had to do a little dry run earlier, wanted to make sure my caramelizer wasn't on the fritz.
Martin
Yeah, I was pretty proud the first time he brought that blow-torch home. 'Til I saw what it was for.
Frasier
Dad!
Martin
No, no, I'm only jokin'. She knows that. He's a great kid, Marie. Sure, he's out of work now, but he's hit the skids a lot of times, but he always manages to bounce right back up.
Frasier
I think you've spread enough pixie dust for one evening, Dad. Thank you.
Martin
Yeah, yeah, well, goodnight you two. [He goes to his bedroom.]
Marie
[rising] I should probably get going too.
Frasier
All right.
Marie
Thank you for a great evening. And for all the wonderful advice, it was very insightful.
Frasier
You're quite welcome, Marie. Perhaps you can offer me a little insight as well: will this be our only night together, or will I see you again?
Marie
Well, you're pretty good at interpreting things, maybe this will answer your question.
Frasier
Oh. Well, then you have a nice life.
Marie
...and just as this hunter catches up to me, and is about to kill me, I wake up on the cot in my dad's oak-paneled rumpus room.
Frasier
That is a terrifying nightmare. Are there any other figures in the rumpus room?
Marie
No, that's not part of the dream. I really sleep there.
Frasier
Oh, oh.
Marie
[getting up] I wish I didn't have to go. Can we talk more about this after the museum tonight?
Frasier
Oh, of course. I thought it was the opera tonight.
Marie
No, the museum opening. You promised me in the shower this morning, remember?
Frasier
Yes, well I was under duress. You had a loofah to my head.
Frasier
Oh, Niles, you just missed Duke's daughter.
Niles
[sitting] I saw. Is it possible that's the same little girl that we used to refer to as "The Ugly Dukeling"? She is stunning.
Frasier
Isn't she, though? You know, the insecure part of me is having trouble figuring out why she's going out with me. She could have her pick of men. And I am a little older, haven't been to the gym as often as I should, and you can feel free to contradict me anytime you like, Niles.
Niles
You must have something, because she's clearly charmed by you.
Frasier
Yes, well, whatever the reason, we certainly have the most wonderful time together. We have the greatest discussions. Oh, I've been helping her sort through some of her issues.
Niles
Oh, really?
Frasier
Yes, it's a very complex relationship with her mother, giving rise to several striking phobias, recurring dreams, the most charming little obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Niles
Oh, well, there you go! Perhaps she's attracted to you because of your psychiatric expertise.
Frasier
What are you suggesting, Niles? That Marie is going out with me just to get free therapy?
Niles
Well, it was just a thought.
Frasier
It's a mean-spirited thought! Marie is not using me. She would want me just as much even if I weren't a psychiatrist. You know, you're jealous! You're jealous that I'm having sex! Jealous that I'm having hot, passionate, sweaty jungle sex! What are you having?!
Niles
[to the stunned waitress] I'm having a latte.
Martin
Will this be all right for ya? Yeah, I'm telling you, Phil, she's really cute. You'll see for yourself in a coupla minutes. [Daphne comes in the front.] Oh, wait, she's comin' in now, I gotta go.
Martin
[coming in] Hey, Daphne, how's it goin'?
Daphne
Fine.
Martin
Good.
Daphne
What are you so chipper about?
Martin
Oh, nothin'. It's a beautiful night out. Say, why don't you come out and have a look at the moon with me?
Daphne
Why? Is it full?
Martin
[grinning] I don't know.
Daphne
All right.
Martin
Beaut, isn't it?
Daphne
Oh, yeah, very romantic. [She turns to go back in.]
Martin
Oh, now, wait come here. I gotta show you somethin' else. Over here. Ah, look at that, the way those moonbeams bounce off that reflecting pool.
Daphne
Ah, yeah, that's really something. [noticing him] What are you doing?
Martin
Nothing.
Daphne
Yes, you are.
Martin
No, I'm not.
Daphne
Yes, you are.
Martin
I'm not.
Daphne
Yes you are, you're signaling to someone.
Martin
Oh, all right. I did such a good job with Frasier, I thought maybe I could fix you up with some nice guy.
Daphne
[searching] Is it that man up there with the binoculars?
Martin
Yeah, isn't that a great building? He does real well, he owns half that floor.
Daphne
[smacking him in the chest] Oh, Mr. Crane!
Martin
What?
Daphne
I don't believe it! Putting me on display like a bloody concubine! [She stomps off to her room.]
Martin
[calling after her] Well, you get a turn too. I got this telescope set up so you can have a look at him. [The phone rings.] See, he likes you! [answers] Hello? Yeah, well I told you she was pretty! What do you mean, can I show you another one? What do you think I'm running here?
Marie
So there I am, actually biting the fingernails of the same hand that's holding the phone not two minutes after I'm on with my mother. Isn't that so revealing?
Frasier
Well, yes, I'd say it is.
Marie
[sitting on the couch] Is everything OK, Frasier? You seem a little quiet.
Frasier
No, no, I was just so enjoying our museum chat and I was wondering how we got onto the subject of mothers.
Marie
Well, it was a Whistler exhibit.
Frasier
Yes, yes, I'm sorry. I guess I'm just a bit tense.
Marie
Well, why didn't you say something? I can give you a little massage.
Frasier
Oh, really, well all right. If you think that will help.
Marie
It's such an amazing feeling, being in the presence of so much beauty.
Frasier
Yes, well you say that now, in six weeks you'll be telling me to lose weight. [They share a laugh.] The Whistler, I know, I know. Gosh isn't it great that we both enjoy art so much? I could just talk about it all night.
Marie
Me too.
Frasier
Oh, you know, I couldn't help notice you staring at that riverscape. You couldn't take your eyes off it.
Marie
I think it's because it reminded me of my recurring dream. You know, we were going to talk more about that.
Frasier
Oh, yes, yes. The dream, being pursued by the hunter and the arrows...
Marie
Yeah.
Frasier
Well, uh, you know, I don't really feel like I'm up to talking about that now. Do you think we can do it some other night?
Marie
All right. What did you think of the riverscape?
Frasier
Oh, well, I, uh, I enjoyed it. I was also enjoying what you were doing just now.
Marie
Oh, I'm sorry. My hands were just getting a little bit of a cramp.
Frasier
Oh, well then let me do you, then.
Marie
Actually, it's getting late. You know, maybe I should get home.
Frasier
I thought you were gonna spend the night.
Marie
I'd like to, but I have an early morning and I hate to rush. Had a great evening tonight.
Frasier
You know, about that dream, uh, I did have one thought.
Marie
Really?
Frasier
Yes. Forest imagery...very often represents our most primal emotions. Hence its frequent use in fairy tales. Which could be a link to your childhood.
Marie
You are so good at this. Much better than my therapist.
Frasier
You have a therapist?
Marie
Not anymore. Who can afford it? Anyway... You know, my hands are feeling much better, why don't we give that massage another shot? So I notice that I often have this dream right after I talk to my mother. Oh, your muscles are so tense! Is it just your neck, or is it all over?
Frasier
[thinking of the relationship] It's all over.
Roz
[very fast] Frasier! Frasier! You will not believe this! Little Alice said her first word today. It was "Ma." Or it may have been "moo." Mary, that's the sitter, gave her this little toy cow. She's always doing stuff like that. I love Mary. I love this little cow, too. It's the cutest little thing, it's brown and white, well that's a jersey cow, right? Well that's where Mary's from, Jersey. [to a passing waiter] Yeah I'll take a splash more! [he pours] You know, I stopped nursing yesterday and boy have I missed this stuff. Cup of mud, java, my old friend Joe - Oh, that's funny, Mary's husband's name is Joe. Oh, my God, he's picking her up, I gotta go, this has been fun, you look great, nice talking with you.
Niles
Frasier, may I join you?
Frasier
Well, of course, Niles. And I'm sorry about yesterday.
Niles
No, no I'm the one who should be apologizing. I never meant to suggest Marie was...
Frasier
Niles, Marie and I broke up.
Niles
I'm sorry. Did she at least give you a reason?
Frasier
I broke up with her. But thank you for the daily shot in the arm of confidence.
Martin
I just talked to Duke. What the hell did you break up with Marie for?
Frasier
Dad, listen, I'm terribly sorry. I don't mean to cause a rift between you and your friend, but I couldn't continue with it. You see, once I confirmed that Marie was primarily interested in me as a sounding board for her problems, I just had to end it. Just as Niles suggested I should.
Niles
I never suggested that! No, all I said was that one of the things she might appreciate about you was your psychiatric expertise. For heaven's sake, if you were a world-class chef, she'd appreciate your cooking, if you were a stand-up comic, she'd appreciate your jokes.
Martin
If you were a dermatologist, and she had a big growth comin' out of her face...
Frasier
Yes, Dad, I get it.
Niles
I am sorry, but if you had let the relationship continue, she might have found other things that she'd appreciate about you just as much.
Frasier
[getting up] You know, maybe there's still time to win her back.
Martin
Well, it'd take a pretty big bouquet of flowers to do that.
Frasier
I don't know, Dad. Maybe if I just explain to her what really happened, she'll forgive me. Sometimes the best apology is just the truth.
Niles
You mean you're going to tell her you thought she was prostituting herself for therapy but now you've decided that's OK?
Frasier
[pause] Well, not that truth. Some other truth.
Frasier
Evening Dad.
Martin
Hey, you two. How was dinner?
Marie
It was just great. We went to my favorite restaurant. It's this little Korean barbecue.
Frasier
Yes. It's just fabulous. You get to cook your own food on this little grill that's right in the center of the table. It splatters a little bit, but you know, that's what makes it fun.
Niles
[picking something off Frasier's shirt] Clearly you had a marvelous time. Oh, hello again, Marie.
Marie
Hi, Niles. If we're gonna go away this weekend, I should make reservations.
Frasier
Right. I tell you what, just use the phone in my bedroom and I'll be in in a minute.
Marie
Actually, just thinking about getting away is making me more relaxed already.
Frasier
She has a little problem with heights.
Niles
I saw that.
Martin
[rising] Well, I'm sure glad you two patched things up, anyway. You know, Duke and I go back a long way. I got a lot of friends but there's somethin' I get from Duke that I don't get from anybody else.
Frasier
Seahawks tickets.
Martin
And don't think that SOB wasn't ready to pull 'em, either.
Niles
Dad dragged me to one of those Korean barbecues once. Had that suit dry-cleaned three times, Eddie still greets me in a carnivorous frenzy every time I wear it.
Frasier
Yes, well the next time Marie and I go out to dinner, I'm going to pick the restaurant. Preferably, one where the stove gets its own room.
Niles
Well, she certainly seems smitten with you.
Frasier
Yes, she certainly does, doesn't she? And I am quite captivated with her. You know, I can't put my finger on exactly why.
Niles
Well, I'm just glad things are going well for you.
Frasier
Are they ever. I find her more enchanting each day. You know what? And I am particularly intrigued by this recurring dream she has. She's in the woods, she's being pursued by a hunter and get this, when she turns to confront her pursuer, the hunter has no face.
Niles
Fascinating.
Frasier
Well, I'm determined to get to the bottom of it. I'm certain it could shed light on her mother issues, and this fear of heights and, oh God, I just discovered that she absolutely refuses to touch a doorknob with her bare hand. Thanks to my natural chivalry, I missed that for a whole week.
Niles
Uh, is that all you talk about, her problems?
Frasier
Well, no, no, we talk about lots of things. Art, the theater, why?
Niles
Oh, it's just a passing thought.
Frasier
Well, pass it over here.
Niles
Well, you were asking what most captivated you about her. Perhaps she's giving you a chance to exercise your psychiatric muscles.
Frasier
What?
Niles
Well, you have been out of work for a while...
Frasier
Niles, Marie is a stunning woman with a body to die for, and you think all I'm interested in is her mind? How shallow do you think I am?
Niles
Well, there's no need to get defensive. There's not a problem. Unless, she's falling in love with you and you're only interested in her as a case study.
Frasier
I assure you I'm interested in all aspects of Marie, not just her psyche. For God's sake, you know I could happily go for weeks without discussing it once.
Niles
Glad to hear it.
Frasier
Well, thank you. If you'll excuse me, I have someone waiting for me in the other room.
Frasier
Oh, oh, dear God! Unhand me you wretch! Oh, you vile creature! Oh, for God's sake, you miserable mutt! Niles, please! Throw him a Liv-A-Snap! Get off of me!
Frasier
Just let go of that leg, you, this instant!
Frasier
My father's best friend. Well, after your father.
Marie
We're all booked for this weekend. There's a lake, hiking, sounds like the perfect place to relax. [He hands her a glass of wine and climbs on the bed with her.]
Frasier
You know, I do love the country, so relaxing. I swear to God, I am out like a light as soon as my head hits the pillow.
Marie
Then we'll have to ask for a room with no pillows. Oh! That reminds me, I had that dream again. But this time I saw the hunter's face.
Frasier
Really?
Marie
Yeah. You'll never guess who it was.
Frasier
Who? No, no.
Marie
What?
Frasier
Well, you know, I'd just really rather not discuss the dream right now.
Marie
Oh, you're right. I'm sorry. Like you even care about who the hunter is right now.
Frasier
Yes, when there's so many other things I'm interested in. There, that's better isn't it?
Marie
Yeah.
Frasier
You feel relaxed?
Marie
Uh-huh.
Frasier
Was it your sister?
Marie
What?
Frasier
The hunter. It was your sister, wasn't it?
Marie
No. I thought you didn't want to talk about this.
Frasier
Oh, God, you're right. I don't. I really, really don't. I'd much rather be exploring other things right now, like your lips. And your chin. And your neck.
Marie
Ohh, keep going.
Frasier
Oh, for God's sake, who was it?!
Marie
What is with you?
Frasier
I just have to know.
Marie
OK. It was me.
Frasier
Of course it was! The hunter represents your feelings of anger and abandonment that you've been running from ever since your parents' divorce! Until now, you've been able to avoid those painful areas, sometimes hiding in the forest of repression! Now, your willingness to identify the hunter signals that you are now ready to, to reintegrate these complex emotions into a more cohesive self!
Marie
Wow! It's all so clear now!
Frasier
It certainly is!
Marie
That was amazing. I am so glad I gave you a second chance.
Frasier
Oh, Marie, I...
Marie
Please, don't apologize. Maybe someday it'll be some funny story we tell our grandkids. The time grandpa broke up with grandma.
Frasier
Actually, grandma...
Marie
Yes?
Frasier
I'm afraid this isn't gonna work.
Marie
What?
Frasier
Us. I'm afraid that...
Marie
Wait a minute. Am I crazy, or are you breaking up with me again?
Frasier
Well, they're not completely unrelated. You see, you are a beautiful young woman and I have really enjoyed tackling some of these issues with you, it's just that I don't think that's the basis for a relationship. I think you deserve someone who appreciates all you have to offer.
Marie
I don't believe this.
Frasier
I just feel more like your therapist than your boyfriend.
Marie
But I thought we were having such a good time together.
Frasier
I'm afraid our time is up.
Martin
This weekend's game? Well, yeah, I want 'em, Duke... Seahawks - Chiefs? Are you kidding? I'll pick 'em up tomorrow. Hey, wouldn't it be a kick if we wound up in- laws?
Marie
[off stage] Go to hell!
Martin
Oh, hold on a sec.
Frasier
[off stage] Good, embrace the anger, it's the best way to mental health.
Marie
I don't need health tips from you, you quack.
Frasier
Well, I think you've made real progress in the time we've been together.
Marie
Oh, don't flatter yourself.
Frasier
I have the name of a specialist.
Marie
Call him yourself! [She slams the door on her way out.]
Martin
Hey, Duke, I'm gonna be kinda busy tomorrow, uh, maybe you could just drop those tickets in the mail right now so you don't forget.