How To Bury A Millionaire

Martin

You know where we should go tonight? Frannie's Fish & Chips!

Frasier

Dad, we're taking Niles out to boost his spirits, not his cholesterol!

Martin

Oh please, that French food that you guys eat is full of butter and cheese.

Frasier

Yes, but at least it's not made by a woman working a deep fryer in a batter-dipped brassiere.

Martin

Hey, isn't that Niles?

Frasier

Where?

Martin

Driving that old hatchback.

Frasier

Nah, Niles would never be seen in anything called a hatchback. But it does look a lot like him.

Frasier

Oh my God, he's running away!

Martin

Well, catch him, Mr. 12-cylinder German engineering!

Niles

Hello?

Frasier

Niles, what the hell are you doing?

Niles

Well, I'm just pulling into my parking garage. You on your way?

Frasier

What are you talking about?! You're driving up 2nd Avenue!

Martin

You're in that little red thing.

Niles

No I'm not, you must be mistaking me for someone else. See you when you get here. [hangs up]

Martin

He's getting away. He just took a right at the corner.

Niles

Hello?

Frasier

Niles! What are you running away from us for? I can see that it's you!

Niles

No, you're mistaking me for someone else.

Frasier

That is ridiculous, I can hear my own horn through the phone!

Niles

Frasier, I may lose the connection, I'm just stepping onto my elevator. I'll see you when you- [hangs up]

Martin

What's the matter with him?

Frasier

Maris repossessed his car, that must have been all he can afford. He's just ashamed to admit it. [dials Niles again]

Niles

Hello?

Frasier

Niles, do not hang up on me! We know what's going on! We're right behind you.

Niles

Alright, I was afraid this would happen - I was petrified someone I knew would see me driving this humiliating car! It looks like some buggy derailed from a carnival ride, except this has no safety features.

Frasier

Oh Niles, you're worrying over nothing. What kind of person judges you by the sort of car you drive?

Niles

Mitsy Gill.

Frasier

Oh yes, she might, she drives a Bentley.

Niles

She's parking on the corner - she'll see me!

Martin

Is everyone alright?

Niles

[still on the mobile, from under the dashboard] Dad, come quickly, I need your help.

Martin

[alarmed] Oh my God! What is it?

Niles

I need you to get up here and pretend this is your car.

Niles

Oh, my shoulder is killing me!

Frasier

Oh Niles, did you bang into the steering wheel?

Niles

No, I've been parallel parking all week without power steering.

Martin

Let me get you some aspirin.

Niles

Oh, thank you, Dad. Er, check upstairs in the bathroom of the study. Pardon the disarray, Frasier, I've had to cut the cleaning lady down to two times a week.

Martin

[sarcastic] Yeah, looks like a bomb went off.

Frasier

I gather your financial situation's gotten a bit shaky.

Niles

Oh yes, every since I rejected Maris's attempts to woo me back, she's been quite vindictive! She's frozen all the accounts! Sherry? [pours two glasses of sherry]

Frasier

Thank you.

Niles

My salary isn't even covering my legal bills.

Frasier

Well, what do you lawyers tell you?

Niles

Well, mostly that my salary isn't even covering my legal bills!

Frasier

You know, if this siege is going to continue you might have to tighten your belt a bit. Perhaps we should make up a list of your expenses. [takes some paper and a pen from the box]

Niles

Alright. [notices pen] But not with that pen. That once belonged to Noel Coward. I just purchased it.

Frasier

Well, it is stunning, Niles, but you know if you're going to be economizing perhaps you'll have to forego the decorative antique pens.

Niles

Could we at least review my list before making any drastic decisions?!

Frasier

Very well.

Niles

[writes down notes] That's my rent... that's insurance...

Frasier

You pay that much in rent?

Niles

Well, that includes the building newsletter.

Frasier

Well, it's outrageous!

Martin

Niles, are you there?

Niles

[into intercom] Yes, Dad. [to Frasier] You can't blame me for the housing market - this is a simple apartment!

Martin

I'm in some room with a lot of books but it doesn't have a bathroom!

Niles

Oh, that's the library, not the study - go down the hall, make a left.

Frasier

Well, this simple apartment of yours is going to bankrupt you! You must admit it's a bit large for one person.

Niles

Oh, don't forget I have a pet.

Frasier

Are you saying that your BIRD requires both a study and a library?

Niles

All right, I will return the Noel Coward pen, but this is my home. This is a basic necessity.

Martin

[on intercome] OK, I've found the aspirin but I'm lost again. I'm in a blue room with big rolls of paper.

Niles

That's the gift wrapping room. Look for the stairs.

Martin

The only stairs I can find go up!

Frasier

You have a THIRD floor?

Niles

It's practically a crawl space. [into intercom] Go out the door to the left.

Niles

Don't look at me like that! I have to have a roof over my head!

Frasier

Niles, you have three roofs over your head! For God's sake, you have to come to your senses. Look at the numbers, they don't lie! I'm afraid you don't have any choice.

Martin

Alright, now I'm stuck. How do I get down, there's a bookcase blocking my way.

Niles

Well, the bookcase is a secret door, Dad.

Martin

How do I open it?

Niles

Just poke "Mrs. Dalloway" on the bottom.

Martin

What?

Niles

The yellow book on the lower shelf.

Martin

Oh, right! [exits]

Niles

Frasier, every since I was a little boy I have walked by this building and wondered what sort of people could live in such a magnificent place.

Frasier

I know, Niles.

Niles

Getting in here after Maris dumped me proved that I was not a complete failure.

Frasier

I understand that.

Niles

And I have no choice, do I?

Frasier

I'm sorry. You know Niles, perhaps you should move before you're obligated for another month's rent here. You can stay at my place until you find something.

Niles

Thank you.

Martin

[enters with aspirin] Here you go, you can get your own glass of water.

Niles

This aspirin's expired.

Martin

Well, it wasn't when I found it.

Daphne

Oh Dr. Crane, I'll clean up.

Niles

Oh, not necessary.

Daphne

You've been cooking dinner every night, [laughs] I hardly feel like it's my kitchen anymore.

Niles

Of course it's your kitchen... [Daphne puts something in the fridge] No, that doesn't go there! I know it's probably a bit presumptuous of me to rearrange your kitchen for you but I promise you, you'll find it a lot more...

Niles

User-friendly...

Daphne

[straightens up] Where's my jar of Bovril?

Niles

[snapping back] No, I wasn't! [realizing] Oh, the meat paste! Well, I threw it out, it smelled rancid.

Daphne

Well, that's how it's supposed to smell - it's English!

Frasier

Well, I'm off to bed! [Martin doesn't reply] Roz and I have a very important breakfast meeting with an important employer tomorrow. I can't burn the midnight oil like you, Dad. [Martin doesn't reply] Dad!

Martin

What? Oh all right, I'll get a coaster!

Frasier

Dad, what is it with you? You could barely stay awake during dinner!

Martin

[rubs his eyes] Oh, you'd feel the same way if you shared a room with Niles. All night long, up and down, shifting and tucking.

Frasier

Well, if it's really annoying you that much, I'll just move his cot into my room.

Martin

Oh!

Frasier

At least one member of this family can show some compassion.

Martin

Well, good luck! Last night I got up and went to the bathroom — when I came back he'd made my bed!

Frasier

Will you be much longer?

Niles

Almost done.

Frasier

I only ask because Roz and I have this very important job interview tomorrow, I'd like to be well rested. You've been in there for twenty minutes!

Niles

No I haven't. [a bell is heard] Now I have! You should try this marvelous new facial feel, it's like getting ten years back!

Frasier

What about the last half hour?

Niles

It's going to be so much fun bunking together like when we were kids.

Frasier

Oh yes, it's all coming back to me now.

Niles

I just want to tell you again how much I appreciate your taking me in like this. Not every brother in your position would be so generous. [gets into his only little bed]

Frasier

Think nothing of it Niles, it's no trouble at all.

Frasier

Niles, what are you talking about? That's just more rain noise!

Niles

No, it's much more than rain. This is all the sounds of the Brazilian rain forest. Does it bother you?

Frasier

No. Go to bed.

Frasier

Oh, for God's sake!

Niles

Alright, alright, I'll switch over to babbling brook.

Niles

If you're feeling tense about that interview I can show you one of my breathing exercises.

Frasier

No, no! Just some sleep will do.

Frasier

Oh, for God's sake, Niles!

Frasier

What the hell happened?

Niles

Isn't it obvious? You blew a fuse.

Frasier

You haven't seen anything yet!

Niles

Ow!

Roz

Listen, I know he's on his way, he must have got the address wrong. I knew I should have picked a place he's been to before.

Draper

I'm sorry, I'm afraid I have to...

Roz

Oh, please don't leave. Let me just try his cell phone.

Draper

Very well. [hands Roz his phone]

Roz

[into phone] Hello Frasier, it's Roz. You sound terrible, where are you? The emergency room?! Oh my God! His appendices burst! No, no, don't apologize. It's not your fault. We'll just reschedule it...

Frasier

I'm so sorry I'm late!

Draper

[to Roz] My phone please! [she hands it to him]

Frasier

Mr. Draper, you're not leaving, are you?

Draper

I have another meeting and I don't like to keep people waiting! [leaves]

Roz

[to Frasier] I'm going to kill you!

Frasier

Roz, please, I'm so sorry.

Roz

Where the hell have you been?

Frasier

Blame Niles, he kept me up so late last night I slept right through my alarm.

Roz

What's he still doing there, hasn't he found a place yet?!

Frasier

No, no, he's sublet his apartment at the Montana. He has to find something furnished. There just aren't many out there. Still, he's looking every day!

Roz

Not yesterday.

Frasier

What do you mean?

Roz

I saw him outside the cinema waiting in line for "Lawrence Of Arabia."

Frasier

Well, that's impossible, he told me he had appointments all day!

Roz

Frasier, I know Niles when I see him. How people go to the movies with their own seat cushion?

Frasier

You mean he hasn't even been looking?!

Roz

I don't know, ask him yourself.

Frasier

Niles.

Niles

Frasier.

Frasier

Off for another day apartment hunting?

Niles

Yes. I hope I see as many as I saw yesterday, covered the whole waterfront.

Frasier

Well, then you must have seen the one on Crawford and Pike?

Niles

Yes, I think so.

Frasier

White with blue trim? Right next to the market, couple of flags upfront.

Niles

Yes! It looks nice from the outside but it's completely unsuitable for living in.

Frasier

Oh yes, I imagine so, seeing as it's a [angry] Chevron station! You saw nothing! Nothing yesterday, probably nothing in the last two weeks. You've been going to the movies.

Niles

That is an outrageous lie!

Frasier

Roz saw you and your seat cushion. I was feeling sorry for you while you were lying to me the whole time.

Niles

I'm sorry, after the first day I just couldn't look anymore. I'll never find anything tolerable in my price range. It's barely tolerable having a price range. [checks for nose bleed]

Frasier

All right Niles, well today I'm going with you. It may be the only way you'll find a place.

Niles

Oh, you make it sound as if I plan to stay with you forever!

Frasier

Well, I did notice you put a bottle of '93 Pechie Beron on the grocery list last night.

Niles

So?

Frasier

That wine's not even drinkable for two years!

Frank

An' we got a rec room too! And did you see the hot tub?

Niles

If you referring to that six-man petri dish, yes. I think we're about finished here!

Frasier

Niles, we can't leave without seeing the apartment. Frank was kind enough to put on pants to bring us up here.

Frank

[opens door] Welcome to the "Shangri-La!"

Frasier

[obviously put on] Oh Niles, it's... magnificent!

Frank

I think you'll see why the Shangri-La is so popular with bachelors like yourself.

Niles

I'd assume it was that charming "NO CREDIT NO PROBLEM" banner out front.

Frank

Here's your kitchen. [part of living room] All modern. Looks like the previous tenant left a four-slot toaster behind.

Frasier

Isn't that something, Niles? You can make yourself a club sandwich and still have a slice left over for guests!

Niles

Oh well, I think I've got the lay of the land.

Frasier

Wait, we haven't seen the bedroom yet.

Frank

Oh, right this way!

Frank

Looks like he left the sheets behind too.

Frasier

Well, how's that for convenience? No dust bunnies under that bed, no sir-ee! That is a vacuumer's dream, that is. Well, let's have a look at this closet space, shall we?

Frank

Oh sorry, I thought Gary's sister was supposed to pick this stuff up. Well, help yourself.

Niles

This Gary certainly seems to have left in a hurry. Did he leave no forwarding address?

Frank

[uncomfortable] Uh, he left a note, but... nooo. No address! Well, take your time.

Niles

NOW can we go?

Frasier

No, Niles, not before we have a look at this... [opens cupboard to a fold-down ironing board] this very charming little ironing board here.

Niles

You're sure that's not the guest room?

Frasier

Niles, listen, I know this isn't what you had in mind but we have scoured the city, I'm afraid this is the only thing we're gonna find.

Niles

Well, I want to keep looking, there's no rush.

Frasier

Well, actually...

Niles

What?

Frasier

Niles...

Niles

Oh! You want me to move out. I've overstayed my welcome, I see.

Frasier

No, it's time to understand that your circumstances have changed. You are going to have to adapt.

Niles

I don't want to adapt. I want to go home!

Frasier

Niles... you are home!

Niles

Well... where are my manners? Can I get you some toast?

Daphne

Well, I'm off. Oh, your brother called - he said he won't be joining you for your wine club tonight.

Frasier

Really? That's a first.

Daphne

You know, it's funny how much Eddie misses that bird of Dr. Crane's. This morning a pigeon landed on the terrace, Eddie jumped up excited, ran over and started barking at it!

Frasier

Oh, yes he does that all the time.

Daphne

No, no, this was a different sort of bark, like: [excited] "You're not my bird! Don't fly over here and get my hopes up like that! You're not my bird!" It was silly and sad at the same time, you know?

Frasier

[deadpan] Firsthand. Niles say why he cancelled at all?

Daphne

No.

Frasier

You know, I just hope he's not depressed. I keep picturing him sitting in that dreadful apartment all alone. I guess I should have let him stay here a little longer until he found something nicer.

Daphne

Oh, I'm sure as soon as he's got his books on the shelf and his opera playing he'll be fine. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

Martin

[entering] Oh Fras, your antiques scout brought over that Noel Coward pen you bought. [Frasier buries his head]

Daphne

[to Frasier] Noel Coward pen? Like the one your brother's got?

Frasier

Oh, it is his! He returned it and I pounced on it!

Daphne

[to Martin] Dr. Crane's feeling bad about moving his brother out.

Martin

Oh come on, Fras. He's a big boy, you just gave him the push he needed.

Frasier

Well, he did need a push.

Daphne

Besides, I'm sure the place you've found him isn't as bad as all that.

Frasier

You're right, Daphne, it isn't all that bad. Yeah, once he's decorated it, it'll be much nicer. You're right, you're right. I'm being much too hard on myself. I'm sure he'll be perfectly happy in the Shangri-La.

Martin

You got him in the Shangri-La? That's where Duke stayed during his divorce. Oh, let me tell ya', that's my kinda place. [exits]

Frasier

What have I done?!

Frasier

Hey, Niles!

Niles

[cheerful surprise] Dad! Frasier! Did you not get my message about the wine club?

Martin

Yeah, but we thought it'd be just fun to have a nice dinner.

Niles

Actually, I'm just on my way out.

Frasier

Where to? Bali H'ai?

Niles

No, they're having a ping pong tournament in the rumpus room and my neighbor, Jimbo, has invited me to be his partner, so let me just go and tell him I'll be a couple of minutes late. If you're thirsty they sent up some wine coolers in my welcome basket. [exits]

Martin

And you were worried. He's making friends, taking part in activities...

Frasier

Dad, he's obviously covering! That shirt alone is a shriek for help!

Martin

Is it so hard for you to believe that he can actually be happy?

Frasier

In this place? Yes!

Niles

[enters] Oh, you should stay, the guys in D building are bringing over a six-foot sub and they've rigged the pinball machine so it's free play all night. [makes a strange dance]

Frasier

Niles, you know I'm finding it a bit difficult to accept this newfound enthusiasm of yours.

Niles

Well, weren't you the one who told me that I should adjust to my new circumstances?

Frasier

Yes, but I'm just concerned that you're immersing yourself in this lifestyle just to avoiding feeling the pain you're going...

Martin

Oh, would you just leave the guy alone! He's obviously having a good time!

Martin

I'd be happy here myself - this is my kind of place.

Niles

[howl of despair] Get me out of this hell hole!

Martin

What did I say?

Niles

Oh, I can't live this charade! I have tried, it's taking too much out of me.

Martin

Now Niles, this place is fine, and you know what they say: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

Niles

But Dad, not everyone makes it into that second group. And I've got the luau shirt to prove it. [gets up] Alright, that's it, enough is enough. [takes his phone and dials]

Frasier

Niles, who are you calling?

Niles

I am calling Maris, I'm going to beg her to take me back.

Frasier

You don't want to do that!

Niles

Oh yes, I do.

Frasier

Niles!

Niles

[rapidly] Life with Maris wasn't so bad. It was my fault, after all! I was too rigid, I was always making demands!

Frasier

No, Niles!

Niles

"Eat something! Unlock this door! Don't throw that!"

Martin

Niles, give me that phone.

Niles

No!

Martin

You don't know what you're doing!

Niles

Yes I do.

Martin

Just drop it and kick it over here!

Niles

I won't! I'm dialing, I'm pressing Send, it's ringing. [into phone] Maris! I'm calling... I'm calling...

Niles

I'm calling to tell you that there's a new address for forwarding my mail. 62 Elm Street, Shangri-La Apartments. Thank you [hangs up]

Frasier

Well, good for you, Niles.

Niles

Oh, the second I heard her voice I knew I couldn't go back. [looks at the room] But how am I ever going to live here?

Martin

Oh, it's just temporary, Niles. She can't drag this divorce out forever.

Frasier

You know, Niles, perhaps this place is the price you'll have to pay for your freedom.

Niles

[pauses] Well, it's worth that.

Martin

Good, that's the way to look at it. So let's have a toast to that. [begins pouring]

Niles

Thank you, Dad. You know, I never did sign my lease. I suppose now is as good as time as any. [picks it up]

Frasier

Niles, perhaps this will make it easier. [hands him the Noel Coward pen] A little housewarming gift.

Niles

[a little tearful] Thank you.

Martin

Here we go. Here's looking at you kids! [they drink]

Frasier

You know, Niles, you may have to sleep here but you certainly don't have to eat here. How does Cigaré Volante sound?

Niles

[delighted] Oh, music to my ears!

Martin

I can't go in that place without a jacket.

Frasier

Well, you know what? Maybe we should poke through that closet, I bet Gary's got a jacket that'll match those pants.