The Seal Who Came To Dinner

Frasier

What a glorious day! Can't help but put a bounce in one's step, can it?

Roz

[trying to open some aspirin] If you're gonna be cheerful, sit somewhere else. Damn it! I broke a nail.

Frasier

Here.

Frasier

Oh, hello, Niles.

Niles

If my life gets any worse, I'm phoning Hell to ask about their exchange program. [He sits.]

Frasier

Well, lucky me, I stumbled in at happy hour.

Frasier

Here. So, Niles, Maris at it again?

Niles

Oh, worse. It's so depressing I can barely talk about it. My gourmet club is holding elections to see who will win this year's Golden Apron...

Roz

Wait. I can see I'm gonna need a hanky for this.

Niles

[to waiter] Latte, please, to go. Normally, the finalists compete by giving lectures. I'd written mine, a waggish look at food fads of yesteryear entitled "Fondue: What Were We Thinking?"

Niles

Suddenly last night, disaster. Someone proposed that instead of giving lectures, this year's finalists compete by hosting dinner parties in their homes.

Roz

So? Why don't you invite 'em all over and cook 'em a meal?

Niles

At the Shangri-La? I can't tell the cream of Seattle's gourmet set that I've moved out of the Montana and into that gulag with a game room. I'll just have to drop out of the race.

Frasier

Let's not be hasty. Let's give this some thought. Every problem has a solution.

Roz

Do you call that a problem? A problem is when your kid keeps you up three nights in a row with colic, and you're so burned out you rear-end a Lexus, with four passengers, each and every one a lawyer, so you'll probably be sued and spend the rest of your working life, if you ever even GET a job, lining the pockets of four blood-sucking, whiplash-faking fat cats. THAT'S what a problem is.

Frasier

Can you have it at a restaurant?

Niles

It's against the rules.

Roz

Thanks for the sympathy!

Frasier

Well...

Niles

Sympathy for what?

Frasier

Oh, I don't know, she broke a nail.

Frasier

Anyway, Niles, try as I might, I can't think of a single thing. I'm sorry.

Niles

Well, don't blame yourself. Blame Claudia Kynock, the whole dinner scheme was her greedy notion.

Frasier

Claudia Kynock? Kevin's widow?

Niles

Can you believe it? She owns six newspapers and nine radio stations, she'll still cadge a free meal faster than that bulbous cartoon fellow who mooches hamburgers from Popeye. I know I must sound...

Frasier

Wimpy.

Niles

And whiny too. But... I wanted this. And after the year I've been through, I needed something to restore my pride, my dignity, my manhood. That Golden Apron could do it.

Frasier

And you are going to have it. You can have the dinner party at my house.

Niles

You mean it?

Frasier

Yes. I'll tell you what: I'll rent an extra-large table and I'll share in the hosting chores.

Niles

You are a saint.

Niles

Though I did note you only offered after you found that out our club includes a rich station owner who could give you a job.

Frasier

Well, Niles, I must say I'm hurt. I offer you something out of the goodness of my heart, you make it sound like I'm a shallow opportunist.

Niles

I'm terribly sorry. How can I make it up to you?

Frasier

Oh, I don't know. Sit me next to someone interesting.

Niles

Oh, Claudia, perhaps.

Frasier

Yes. Put her on my left, it's my best side.

Pam

He actually marked the bottle so he'd know if you took some?

Daphne

Yeah. Then he marched into my room and confronted me with the evidence. I said "All right. If you want to be such a miser, then fine, I'll buy my own bath salts."

Martin

Oh, hi, Pam. I didn't know you were here.

Daphne

I told you this morning she was coming by.

Martin

It musta slipped my mind. Don't you look nice tonight.

Pam

You too, Martin. I love your sweater.

Martin

Yeah, pretty cheerful, huh? Not everyone can wear these colors.

Daphne

It helps if you're a matador. [to Pam] Come on, we don't want to be late for the movie.

Pam

Can I freshen up first?

Martin

Oh, yeah, yeah, right through there.

Daphne

You dirty old man! Flirting with a girl her age!

Martin

Well, she was flirting right back. I saw her giving me the once-over.

Daphne

Yeah, she looked once and it was over.

Daphne

You've never acted this silly with any of my other girl friends. What's so special about Pam?

Martin

Oh, nothing. She's just young and friendly, and... she reminds me of the girls I used to date back during the war.

Daphne

What, you mean Korea? Mr. Crane, it's not dating when you're an occupying force.

Martin

Well, just ask her if she's interested.

Daphne

Have you lost your mind?

Martin

Hey, the gals in Pyong Chang used to think I was pretty damn cute.

Daphne

Yeah well, this is a bit different. You're not twenty-one and her village hasn't just burned down.

Daphne

You're not going to get her with a kind smile and a Hershey bar.

Martin

Oh, just ask her, OK?

Daphne

[grabbing her coat] You know, this explains that so-called "mix-up" with those mail order videos. Mistake my fanny, you ordered "The Joy Luck Club"!

Frasier

Oh, hi Dad, Daphne. Pam, nice to see you.

Daphne

Good night, all.

Martin

Pam?

Daphne

Just keep moving.

Niles

What's with Dad?

Frasier

It's a Korea thing, don't ask.

Niles

[on his cell phone] Oh, my God! He said yes, I've got him! [hangs up] That was a message from Marcel DeBoeuf! He's agreed to cater my dinner for the gourmet club.

Frasier

Oh, Niles, that is a coup.

Martin

Who?

Frasier

Marcel DeBoeuf, Dad. He's the famous sculpter-turned-chef. Each plate is a work of art. [brings Niles his sherry]

Niles

He's doing his all-truffle menu. [Frasier gasps] For the appetizer, he sculpts tiny mushroom trees, then he carves radishes to look like truffle pigs, snuffling around the roots.

Martin

Oh. Maybe I should do that for Eddie. I could mold his Alpo into a cow.

Niles

[laughs, then] That reminds me...

Frasier

I got him Sonics tickets.

Martin

Bless you. Oh! And did I mention, they're predicting meteor showers for that evening! So not only will I have a great meal, in a perfect setting...

Frasier

Oh, Niles.

Niles

But we'll have nature itself putting on a show for us. [points out to the balcony] Oh, we'll have an excellent view from right...

Niles

Dear God, what's that?

Frasier

Well, it's just a small crack, a little bird flew into it the other day. I'm replacing the pane next week.

Niles

Next week?

Frasier

Yes.

Niles

Well, that's too late.

Frasier

It's just a piece of tape! No one will even notice.

Niles

You have no idea how cutthroat my rivals are. They will leap on the tiniest imperfection. Last night, Sebastian Melmoth threw a lavish Japanese banquet. A certain rival spent the entire evening carping about how the obis on the geishas' kimonos were improperly tied.

Frasier

"A certain rival?"

Niles

All right, me.

Martin

He had geishas?

Frasier

That's enough, Dad.

Niles

Well, I'll just have to have the party somewhere else.

Frasier

But Niles, you promised you'd have it here. You promised me Claudia Kynock.

Martin

Nobody's gonna notice that window, and besides, who else is gonna loan you their place? It's not like you can ask Maris.

Niles

I don't have to ask her. She's out of the country. She's in Antwerp having her elbows done. She has that stunning beach house. I'm sure I can get past the alarm.

Martin

Isn't that breaking and entering?

Niles

Oh, pish. It can't be a crime if it's catered.

Frasier

Well, Niles, I hope you have a lovely time.

Niles

Oh, don't sulk Frasier. You can still come. I've got to start planning. Wait 'til you see this place. It's right on the beach, it's ideal for viewing the meteor shower.

Martin

Maybe Chef Marcel can make your truffles look like little meteors zooming around the plates. [laughs]

Niles

We make fun of him, but every now and then he has a fantastic idea.

Frasier

I hope you're right about the alarm code, Niles. People do change them.

Niles

Maris will never change this one.

Niles

It's her ideal weight. What she weighed at her debutante ball. [He punches into a small key pad.] Let's see, this many pounds, and that many ounces.

Frasier

Good lord, no one could weigh that and live!

Gretchen

[off stage, German accent] Maris!

Niles

Oh no, not her.

Frasier

Neighbor?

Niles

Yes, Gretchen Kuntz. The old girl's been smitten with Maris ever since she taught falconry at Maris's finishing school. [He hands Frasier the flowers.] Here, put these in water and I'll get rid of her.

Gretchen

[o.s.] Maris, liebchen. Is that you?

Gretchen

Oh, Dr. Crane.

Niles

Hello, Gretchen.

Gretchen

I'm surprised to see you here. When last I spoke to Maris, she said your marriage had come to a timely end.

Niles

Yes, well, it's all patched up now, we couldn't be happier. [running water is heard from the kitchen] In fact, that's Maris in the kitchen now. We're terribly busy. [calls] I'll be right with you, muffin! But I'll tell her you looked in.

Gretchen

Do. Ask her to stop by. My wolfhound had puppies.

Niles

Let's get some lights on.

Frasier

Good lord, what the hell is that?

Niles

Maris had it made after she lost power in a storm. Battery operated, works on a clapper [claps it off] so you can find it in the dark. [claps it on] Only problem was, the poor thing, try as she might, she could never clap hard enough to activate it.

Frasier

Oh, Niles, this view is breathtaking! You know, with a setting like this and Chef Marcel in the kitchen, I think that Golden Apron is as good as yours.

Niles

Well...

Niles

What is that revolting smell?!

Frasier

It smells like it's coming from the beach.

Niles

Oh, it's like garbage or rotting fish...

Frasier

Or a dead seal.

Niles

No, it's more like a rendering plant.

Frasier

No, Niles. There's an extremely large dead seal right by this dinghy.

Niles

Oh, dear God!

Frasier

You know, on the bright side, there's not a single crack in these windows.

Niles

Yes, Animal Control? A large seal washed up on my property, I need you to come remove it right away. Its condition? It's deceased. What? Oh, you're not serious. [to Frasier] He says they only handle live seals. [into phone] What kind of policy is that? If it were alive, I wouldn't need you, I could just scare it away myself.

Frasier

I'd pay to see that.

Niles

Oh, wait, I was mistaken. It's not dead after all, it's sitting up. It looks very disoriented. Come quickly!

Frasier

[grabbing the phone] Give me that. Hello, this is Frasier Crane. You may remember me from my radio show.

Niles

Oh, yes, that should send the Seal Mobile racing over here.

Frasier

Just how do you suggest we dispose of a dead seal? I see. I see. Charming. [He closes the phone.] Well, we have two options. We can either bury it or haul it out to sea, in which case they suggest we stab some holes in it.

Niles

Stab holes in it?

Frasier

To make it less buoyant.

Niles

It would certainly make me less buoyant. Well, we'll have to bury it. Help me find a shovel.

Frasier

Right.

Niles

Oh, no. That's Chef Marcel. If he finds out what's out there, he will walk.

Frasier

Over a dead seal?

Niles

He won't let anything upstage his food. He stormed out of Kate York's christening party over an ill-timed diaper change. You let him in, I'll find a shovel.

Frasier

Right.

Frasier

Ah, Chef Marcel, this is indeed an honor. I'm Frasier, Niles's brother...

Marcel

Where is my kitchen?

Frasier

It's, uh, right through there.

Marcel

What is that smell?

Frasier

Uh, what smell?

Marcel

Is there a baby here?

Frasier

No. I mean, yes. Well, there was a baby, but it's gone now, and we can air the place out.

Marcel

Do.

Niles

Al right, let's do this. Quick, quick, quick.

Frasier

What's the matter, Niles, you couldn't find any demitasse spoons?

Niles

I'm sorry. This is all we have.

Frasier

Niles, for God's sake, it'll take us until doomsday with these things. Let's just stick it in the dinghy and haul it out to sea, come on.

Niles

I'm not touching that thing with my bare hands!

Frasier

All right, just go find a sheet or something to wrap it in.

Frasier

Poor noble creature. At least in death, you've achieved a kind of tragic dignity.

Niles

We can wrap it in this. Quick, quick, quick.

Frasier

A peach peignoir?

Niles

Yes, and I found perfume.

Frasier

We're giving it a burial, Niles, not a day of beauty.

Niles

It's to cover the smell, and the peignoir was all I could find. The beds were all stripped, the linen cupboard's locked.

Frasier

All right, get on with it.

Niles

Do you think that helped?

Frasier

Oh, yes, Niles. It smells so lovely now it's almost a shame to bury it. Give me a hand with this. All right, OK, now let's turn it over.

Niles

Oh, have you ever seen anything so heartbreaking? That sullied nightgown, that cold vacant stare, those limp little whiskers...

Frasier

Stick a corncob pipe in its mouth, it could be Nana on Dad's side. Come on, let's go!

Niles

Nice oarsmanship, Mr. Oxford Rowing Champ!

Frasier

Well, it's not very easy to keep your balance when your crewmate jumps on your back and shrieks like a tea kettle.

Niles

Oh, I'm sorry. The thing's tongue lolled out and licked my ankle. I just hope the wind changes before the party, they'll be here in fifteen minutes. [sniffing] The stench is so strong. I could almost swear the damn thing was still... AH! It's back!

Frasier

Oh, my God, the tide must have washed it back in. I knew we should have taken their advice and stabbed some holes in it.

Niles

No. I refuse to even contemplate something so disgusting. We'll just row it back out, only this time we'll weigh it down with something.

Frasier

Oh, Niles, what about that hideous anchor lamp?

Niles

Perfect. We'll tie it to the peignoir's sash, it'll sink like a brick. [checks his watch] Would you mind terribly doing that alone?

Frasier

Alone?!

Niles

Yes, I have to get ready. Frasier, please, I beg you.

Frasier

All right, Niles. But the entire time I'm gone, you'd better be singing my praises to Claudia Kynock.

Niles

Done.

Marcel

Excuse me, where do you keep the...

Niles

Chef Marcel, it's so nice to meet you at last!

Marcel

You have been swimming?

Frasier

Just a dip.

Marcel

In your clotheses?

Frasier

Well, it is November. You know, it was so refreshing, I think I'll go back for another.

Niles

Don't forget your lamp.

Frasier

Oh, yes, thank you.

Niles

[off Marcel's look] It's getting dark in that water.

Niles

Sebastian, you must try one of these truffled scallops.

Sebastian

I'm allergic to bivalves, a good host would know that.

Claudia

Don't mind Sebastian, he's just afraid you'll outshine his geisha party.

Niles

Now, now, no rivalries, we're all friends tonight. And I'm sorry about the scallops. In the future, I'll try to cater more to your shellfish demands. [moves off]

Sebastian

[after a pause, then irritated] I got that!

Niles

Oh, thank God you're back. I can open the deck? People are beginning to get suspicious.

Frasier

I hauled it out as far as I could. I just hope that lamp is heavy enough. Is Claudia here?

Niles

Yes, and she's dying to talk to you.

Frasier

Good. Smell my fingers.

Niles

[sniffing] Ooh, lovely. Tubla root?

Frasier

Jasmine.

Niles

Really? Everyone? As you may know, I've arranged a small meteor shower for our entertainment this evening. [laughter] So feel free to claim your spots now on the observation deck.

Niles

Claudia. This is my brother Dr. Frasier Crane.

Claudia

Oh, well. Just the man I wanted to meet.

Frasier

Really?

Niles

Well, now I should warn you, Claudia's in radio, so you're probably in for more of that arm-twisting you've been getting from so many of those other station owners.

Frasier

Oh, my brother, the publicist. Before long, he'll be telling you about my two SeaBeas and my Broadcaster of the Year award.

Claudia

Well, now we don't have to talk all business. But I do want to mention that we may be replacing one of our nationally syndicated hosts, The Happy Traveler.

Frasier

Oh, yes. The Happy Traveler. How's that coming?

Claudia

Not well. Unless they get more realistic with those ransom demands, he's never coming out of that jungle.

Sebastian

There certainly are a lot of gnats buzzing around out here.

Claudia

Yes, there are.

Frasier

Here, allow me.

Niles

Oh, dear God!

Sebastian

There were no bugs at my party.

Claudia

What's that on the beach?

Sebastian

I don't know, but it's wearing a boa.

Frasier

No, no. That's preposterous. It's just a rock with some seaweed on it.

Claudia

Niles, there seems to be something with feathers flashing at us.

Niles

Yes, yes, that's my neighbor. Don't clap, it just encourages her.

Claudia

Does anyone else smell something?

Niles

I know what I smell! [He takes a deep breath and chokes.] Truffles!

Frasier

Everyone, time for dinner.

Niles

Yes, step lively. Mm-mmm. Truffles.

Niles

All right, get out there and stab that thing.

Frasier

No. I'm sick to death of chaperoning that carcass.

Niles

Well I can't do it, I'm the host.

Frasier

Niles, because of that woman in there and a scrappy band of Third World rebels, I am this close to getting a national radio show of my own. You have to do it.

Niles

All right. Get me a knife, close those curtains and don't let anyone out on this deck until I come back.

Frasier

Fine.

Niles

Where's the damn thing gone to?

Niles

Got it, thanks.

Claudia

I've listened to your show. And what impressed me most is your ability to focus.

Frasier

Yes, well I'm very proud of that. I try to give each of my callers my complete, undivided... [He notices Sebastian headed for the deck.] Excuse me. Would you please just stay inside? We're about to start dinner.

Sebastian

You said that ten minutes ago.

Frasier

Yes, so it's even truer now, isn't it? Just sit down. [Frasier sits back down with Claudia.] I'm sorry. Back to my show.

Claudia

I must say, I was wondering myself when we'd be eating. It's getting late.

Frasier

Well, Niles is in the kitchen, right now, trying to prod Marcel along. You know how it is with these perfectionists.

Marcel

I am waiting to serve. Where is Niles?

Claudia

You mean he's not with you?

Frasier

Well, I'm sure he's around here somewhere. You know, perhaps he's upstairs making a phone call. If you could just keep everything warm, I'm sure he'll be down in a minute.

Marcel

He'd better be. I reheat for no one.

Frasier

Well, I'm terribly sorry about all these interruptions. Now, let's get back to that job.

Claudia

Well, you'd be in ninety-three markets...

Frasier

Excuse me, can I help you?

Guest

I just saw a meteor.

Claudia

Oh, have they started?

Frasier

Please, everyone, stand back and witness the spectacular view through this transom.

Claudia

Can't we see them better outside?

Frasier

No, no, it's much safer in here. You see, you never know where they might land.

Frasier

Perhaps that's Niles.

McLean

Hello, is Niles Crane here? We're investigating a possible homicide.

Claudia

What?

McLean

Your neighbor saw Dr. Crane and another man row out to sea with a third party dressed in a nightie. The men returned alone. We suspect they dumped the body overboard.

Frasier

Oh... all right, now, now, there's nothing to be alarmed about. Please gentlemen, come in, you see, I can clear this whole thing up. You see, I was the other man in the rowboat.

Claudia

You dumped a body overboard?

Frasier

Well...

Gretchen

Thank God you're here! I just saw a murder!

Claudia

What?

Gretchen

Dr. Crane was on the beach with his wife, Maris. I recognized her peignoir. I could even smell her perfume. He was stabbing her again and again.

Frasier

Ah, no, clearly this woman is delusional. Listen, search the entire house, I defy you to find one scrap of evidence that there's been foul play here.

Marcel

[from the kitchen doorway] My butcher knife has disappeared from the kitchen.

McLean

[to his partner] Go check the beach.

Frasier

Please, people, I assure you there is nothing sinister going on here.

Niles

Hello, all. Meteor shower's started. Oh, excuse me.

Frasier

Niles, there's been a little misunderstanding. Perhaps it's time you explained to everyone about the dead seal.

Niles

[laughing] Dead seal? At my Golden Apron dinner? That's enough bubbly for you!

Frasier

Niles, they think you murdered Maris!

Gretchen

I saw him stabbing her!

Niles

Oh, I see what's happened! Oh, this is funny! Oh, you are all going to laugh when you hear this. I was simply stabbing a seal.

Claudia

You killed a seal?

Niles

Oh, no, no, I didn't kill it, it was already dead when we found it.

McLean

You found a dead seal?

Frasier

Yes.

McLean

And it was wearing a peignoir?

Frasier

Now that is ludicrous. We put the pegnoir on it.

McLean

And the perfume too?

Frasier

Yes, of course.

McLean

So you found a dead seal, dressed it in a peignoir, doused it in perfume, and stabbed it?

Niles

I told you you'd laugh.

Athanis

I found this washed up on the beach.

Niles

Well there, if that doesn't prove my innocence, I don't know what does.

Gretchen

Gott im himmel! It's covered in her blood!

Marcel

Dinner is served.

McLean

Sorry folks, no one can leave. This is a crime scene.

Niles

Well, it certainly would be a crime if we missed that dinner! Everyone, sit down! There's place cards all around the table.

Athanis

OK, gentlemen, let's go.

Niles

Well, he said no one can leave.

Frasier

Claudia, perhaps we can discuss that job tomorrow. You know, I've got some business cards in my breast pocket if you'd like to fish one out. No? Fine, I'll just call you then.

Niles

Officer? You can't arrest me. My wife is alive! She's in Antwerp, getting her elbows done!

Frasier

Oh, give it up, Niles, even I didn't believe that one.