Roz, A Loan
Aired 10th December 1998 · Written by Janis Hirsch · Directed by Pamela Fryman
Frasier
A gold leaf candle snuffer? Huh. My, what a spendthrift this Charles the Tenth was. Well of course I want you to bid on it for me, Greg, so start waving your paddle!
Roz
Hey.
Frasier
Oh, Roz, you got my message!
Roz
Yeah, you said you had good news. What's up?
Frasier
More important: What's down?
Roz
Oh, fun. Wordplay.
Frasier
No, no, the ratings are out for KACL's first six months of all-salsa radio.
Roz
And they were lousy?
Frasier
They aspire to lousy!
Roz
So I guess they'll be looking for a new format.
Frasier
Better yet: an old format!
Roz
What, you think they're gonna bring us back?
Frasier
That's the scuttlebutt on the street.
Roz
Oh, this is great! Aren't you thrilled?
Frasier
I'd be shouting it from the rooftops if I weren't saving my instrument.
Frasier
Thank you.
Colette
May I help you?
Roz
Non-fat capp... Haven't seen you before. I'm Roz, this is Frasier.
Colette
Colette.
Frasier
Ah, your mother was a fan of the great French novelist and raconteur Sidonie-Gabriel Colette.
Colette
[going along] OK.
Bulldog
Hey, guys, you won't... [sees Colette] Whoa! Any more like you at home?
Colette
No.
Bulldog
Good, we'll have privacy. [ordering] Short drip.
Colette
[introducing] Colette.
Bulldog
[dropping the magazine on the table and sitting] Hey, you guys seen these numbers?
Frasier
Yes.
Bulldog
Salsa radio is in el dumperacha.
Frasier
See?
Bulldog
KACL is gonna be on their knees begging us to come back to work.
Roz
You know that lady from the temp agency who's always saying I have a bad attitude?
Frasier
Yes.
Roz
I can't wait to tell that bean-counting fathead where she can put her timesheet! I'm quitting on the way home!
Colette
[bringing Roz's coffee] Ooh...
Frasier
What? Did you say something?
Colette
No. No, never mind.
Frasier
You know what? I better cancel my lecture next week. Can't be out of town if I'm gonna be working.
Colette
[walking behind them] Ooh...
Frasier
Is everything all right, Collette?
Colette
Oh, I hate this.
Roz
What?
Colette
Well, I overhear things. I'm not trying to, it just happens when you're a waitress.
Roz
And you overheard something about KACL?
Colette
They're not dropping salsa.
Roz
What?
Frasier
How do you know that?
Colette
Well, the station owner was in this morning and he said "It's my station, and I like salsa music, and I'm sticking with it." But that could mean anything.
Roz
I knew I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up.
Bulldog
This stinks! This is total BS!
Frasier
Oh, what are you upset about, Bulldog? You've got a job.
Bulldog
Not anymore. I got canned last Friday for somethin' I said on the air. I was talking to this golfer chick who said she wanted to enter the Women's Open. Like I'm supposed to leave that alone.
Roz
I'm starting to think we're never going back to work.
Frasier
Now, now, Roz, they can't stay with a failing format forever. I guarantee you, in three months, if the numbers are this bad, they'll have to make a change.
Roz
Three months is an eternity. My rent's gone up, the baby stuff costs a fortune. I stopped buying Alice those little pink headbands they make for little girls whose hair hasn't grown in yet. Now when I go out, I just call her Howard.
Frasier
[pulling out his checkbook] Well, Roz, you know what? If things have gotten that tight, let me lend you some money to tide you over.
Roz
Oh that's very sweet, but I couldn't.
Frasier
No, please, it's not a hardship for me, I'll be fine for the next three months.
Roz
Oh, I don't know. I'm not sure I feel comfortable taking money from you.
Frasier
Try putting your hair in a bun. That used to help Lilith. Now, how much can I give you?
Roz
Fifteen hundred? I mean, I wouldn't ask for so much, it's just...
Frasier
No, no, it's none of my business. You can just pay me back whenever you'd like. This is your money to do with as you see fit. There we are. [Pulls the check out and gives it to her.]
Roz
Thank you.
Frasier
Oh, please, Roz, don't even mention it. Makes me feel good to share my good fortune with someone. You know what, I just got a call from my antique scout. He's found a gilded candle snuffer that the Seattle Museum would pay a pretty penny for to have in their collection.
Colette
[as she's passing towards another table] Ooh...
Frasier
I hate her.
Frasier
I'm sorry Niles, I have no idea where it is. I'm not even sure I own one.
Niles
Oh, don't be ridiculous, Frasier. Dad, have you seen Frasier's fritatta pan?
Martin
Hi, Marty Crane. I don't believe we've met.
Frasier
Dad, what on Earth are you doing?
Martin
Oh, Eddie's woozy. There's this vicious blue jay on the terrace that keeps teasing him, then Eddie goes chasing after him, slams into that glass door and this bird just struts around, big as you please, laughing that snooty bird laugh.
Niles
Snooty bird laugh? [He sniggers.]
Martin
Yeah, like that.
Martin
I want to put stick-ems on the door so Eddie remembers it's glass.
Frasier
Oh, yes, Dad! By al means, let's add rainbow decals to the nose prints and the bits of fur that already festoon it!
Martin
Well, you're pretty grouchy for someone who just got his job back.
Frasier
Well, maybe that's because I'm not getting my job back!
Martin
What happened? You said it was a sure thing this morning.
Frasier
Well it wasn't! I spoke with Bebe, she confirmed that they're keeping salsa.
Martin
Oh, I'm sorry.
Frasier
Yes, well don't despair, Dad. There are other jobs. Bebe told me that I'm on the short list for the voice of Chester, the Yummy-Nuts Squirrel.
Daphne
All right. Don't anyone go out in this weather. I am so soaked, my dress is pasted right on me. It's a good thing I had this coat in the trunk.
Niles
Yes, that was lucky. Let me take it for you.
Daphne
No, it's all right. I'll keep it on for the moment, thanks. Here you are, Dr. Crane, I stopped off at the Tre Anom Day Spa and picked up your papaya exfoliant and your neck cream por aloe.
Frasier
Thank you, Daphne. I wouldn't have sent you out in this weather if it weren't an emergency.
Daphne
Oh, by the way, I saw Roz down at the spa, having herself an all-day beauty treatment.
Frasier
You know, that's strange.
Martin
Why?
Frasier
Well, Roz has been a little cash poor lately. In fact, I gave her a loan myself this morning. Then she heads down to the Tre Anom. You know, I have half a mind to have a word with her about it.
Martin
Uh, bad idea. You loaned her that money, it's hers now. It's not yours and it's none of your business what she does with it.
Frasier
Yes, that's exactly what I told her, but still...
Martin
Now, trust me. More friendships have been ruined because of something like this. Smartest thing you can do is never bring it up.
Frasier
I'm aware of that, Dad, it's just she must have gone straight from the cafe down to the spa! Don't you think that's odd?
Martin
Well, not when you stack it up against a man who uses neck cream.
Niles
Before you mock this product, you might recall you went to this spa.
Martin
What?
Niles
Don't you remember? Two years ago. For your birthday I gave you that special gift certificate for you and Sherry to have a day of indulgence. You told me you used it.
Martin
Oh, yeah. Right.
Frasier
Remind us, Dad, what treatments did you have?
Martin
Oh, we got the whole shootin' match. First, they rubbed us all over, and then they uh, they washed us down with this liniment oil, and then they hit us with those hickory sticks.
Frasier
For God's sake, you've heard us talk about it enough, you'd think you'd be able to bluff a little better than that.
Martin
You'd be surprised at what I don't listen to. I'm sorry, Niles, I hope you're not mad.
Niles
Mad? No, I'm delighted! If you still have the certificate, we can go together.
Martin
Nah, I don't think so.
Niles
Oh, please, I need this.
Martin
You know, a spa's just not my speed. I just keep picturing myself standing over some drain being hosed down like some old circus animal.
Niles
But, Dad, I can't afford this sort of thing for myself anymore. I, I'd go without you but the certificate's in your name. Please?
Martin
Oh, all right.
Niles
Oh, great! I'm going to go make a reservation before you change your mind.
Martin
[getting up] And what are you smirking at?
Frasier
Oh, I'm just musing about the timeless moments that bind a father to a son. Game of catch, trip to a fishing hole, shared rain forest mud facial.
Frasier
Ah, Niles, I thought today was your spa day.
Niles
[sitting] It is, I'm on my way, and I need it now more than ever. Last night, at the Shangri-La, the most scandalous thing happened...
Frasier
Now's not the best time.
Niles
Oh, sorry, I didn't see you there. I'll have...
Colette
A non-fat cappuccino?
Niles
Good guess!
Colette
No, I've waited on you before.
Niles
I don't think so, I'm very observant.
Niles
Anyway, I was invited to a housewarming party for a new arrival, Stuey. I hadn't been there two minutes when I heard a pop. I looked up, there was the '81 Chateau Haut Brion I brought being decanted into a punch bowl of sangria, canned fruit and erotic ice cubes. I haven't been so depressed since Maris started seeing what's-his-name.
Colette
[bringing his coffee] Schenkman.
Niles
Thank you.
Colette
Uh-huh.
Roz
Hey, guys.
Frasier
Oh, Roz.
Niles
Roz.
Roz
Shopping really takes it out of you.
Frasier
Really? Stocking up on supplies for baby Alice?
Roz
Oh, no, it's Momma's turn today. Back in a minute.
Frasier
Bidwell's?! My God, isn't that a little pricey?
Niles
I'll say, it's Maris's favorite store. They give points for every dollar you spend there. One year, she got enough to have Tony Bennett come to our house and sing.
Frasier
Well at this rate, she's going to go through that loan in no time. I'm just wondering if I should have a talk with her.
Niles
No, I understand your impulse, but I'm with Dad on this one. Questioning her about how she's going to spend that money is only going to lead to trouble.
Frasier
I'm not sure I agree. Of course the entire point may be moot, anyway. How do I know there's anything more extravagant in here than calendars and socks... [He starts to look in the bags.]
Niles
Don't even think about it. You know as well as I do that there is absolutely no justification for going through her bags.
Frasier
You're right, there isn't. [He takes his keys and throws them in a bag.] Now there is.
Niles
Frasier!
Frasier
Just shut up and keep a lookout! [looks] Cashmere sweater?! Bidwell's private label perfume?!
Niles
Here she comes.
Frasier
[as he sits back down] My keys!
Roz
That's the last time I wear the shoes right out of the store, my feet are killing me!
Niles
I should go. I want to get down to the spa before Dad. He may bridle when the front desk clerk asks him if he prefers a man or a woman.
Roz
Wow, is that the time? I've got to meet Carol for lunch at La Gallou.
Frasier
La Gallou? Uh, you know, Roz, before you go...
Roz
I know, if I drop your name, they'll give me better service. I'll call you later.
Colette
Can I get you anything else?
Frasier
Yes, a taxi.
Colette
I already called.
Frasier
Oh, damn!
Daphne
Not to worry, Dr. Crane, I'll have that spot cleaned up in no time.
Frasier
Thank you, Daphne.
Niles
Lock up your daughters, the men are back from the hunt!
Frasier
Oh, well, boys, how was your day at the spa?
Niles
Fantastic. You should have seen Dad. I walked by the serenity room just as Olga and Sergei were giving him a full-body sudsing.
Martin
I never felt so clean and so dirty at the same time.
Niles
See you later, Dad. Great day!
Frasier
All right, how bad was it?
Niles
Mortifying! First of all, he refused to go nude, even in the private rooms.
Frasier
[sitting on the couch] Well, Niles, don't forget: Dad is of a different generation.
Niles
Wearing socks and underpants and carrying a wallet into a mud bath is not a generational issue. If you ever hear me offer to take Dad to a spa again, wash out my mouth with jug wine.
Niles
Did you ever get your keys back from Roz?
Frasier
No, no. Actually, I had to wait the entire day before she found them in her bag. She's on her way over right now, gives me a chance to talk to her about her spending.
Niles
Frasier, why do you insist on traipsing into that minefield?
Frasier
Niles, I don't want to talk to her about it, I have to. At the rate she's spending, she's going to be out of money before we're back to work. And frankly, I'm just a little bit annoyed at how she keeps flaunting it in my face. Expensive lunches, needless extravagances. Frankly I think the entire thing's just a bit insensitive, don't you?
Daphne
[getting up from scrubbing] Excuse me, not to interrupt, but six months ago you borrowed forty dollars from me. We were at the wine shop, remember? You couldn't quite scrape together enough for a bottle of your precious Chateau Mr. Fussy-Pants? So I lent you the money. And have I said a peep about it since? No! I just sit here quietly reusing my tea bags while you trundle off to your private clubs ordering gourmet this and imported that! "Are the cigars Cuban?" "Are the Tulips Dutch?" "Oh, good news: my personal shopper just found a dozen antique pudding plates." Who has twelve people over for pudding?! So you gave poor Roz a bit of money! It hasn't changed your life, has it, you sherry-swilling, foie gras- munching hypocrite?!
Frasier
Daphne? I did repay you.
Daphne
[turning] What?
Frasier
I paid for that parking ticket. Fifty dollars as I recall. It means you owe me ten.
Daphne
Oh, right. Well, I'm glad you said something. It's not good to let these things fester.
Martin
Niles, I think I'm having a weird reaction to that spa stuff. My skin's startin' to tingle and tighten up.
Niles
Oh, that's the citrus reacting with your natural oils. It's a good sign.
Martin
Well, it doesn't feel so good, I just scratched my chin and my eyelid closed.
Niles
Oh, that'll be Roz. Maybe I'll take my leave before the fur starts to fly.
Frasier
Oh Niles, there's not going to be any fur flying. Unless of course she bought one on the way over here.
Roz
Hey, Niles.
Niles
Roz.
Frasier
Roz.
Roz
Are you on the way out?
Niles
Yes, good night. [He leaves.]
Roz
Here are your keys.
Frasier
Thank you, Roz. We had to turn the whole café inside out looking for them.
Roz
I would have been here a lot sooner, but I stopped to get you something.
Frasier
Uh, Roz, gosh, you know, you really shouldn't have.
Roz
I wanted to. This is just my way of saying "Thank you" for how great you've been.
Frasier
But, you see, you really shouldn't have. I mean, for one thing, it's just...
Frasier
Gosh, it is lovely, [It is a crystal decanter.] Roz, it's just that... Listen, there's something I really need to talk to you about...
Roz
Now, that decanter is not just to say "Thank you." It's also to say "Congratulations!" The station manager called me half an hour ago, I made him promise he'd let me tell you. The board has reconsidered, they're changing formats, they're bringing us back!
Frasier
Oh, well Roz! That's fantastic!
Roz
We start tomorrow!
Martin
What's goin' on?
Frasier
Good news, Dad, good news! We got our jobs back at KACL!
Martin
[his face completely flat] Oh, great. Congratulations.
Roz
Well, I thought we'd at least get smile out of you.
Martin
[worried and putting a hand to his face] I thought I was smiling.
Jorge
....Adios amigos. Adios, KACL, adios.
Bulldog
This is so great, we're all back together again.
Frasier
Hey, Noel! Good to see you. What you been up to?
Noel
Well, actually, I never left. Yo hablo Espanol. [to an unhappy woman] Adios, Maria.
Roz
Hi, everybody!
All
Roz!
Roz
Isn't this the best? It's so great to see everyone. Bulldog and Noel and Frasier and... [to a woman she doesn't recognize] you.
Bulldog
God, I didn't think I'd ever see this place again. It's like we're soldiers comin' back from the war.
Bulldog
[throwing his arms up] I'm home!
Frasier
Well, you know, as much as I'd like to continue this celebration, in three minutes, we have a show to do. Come on, Roz, let's go!
Frasier
Noel?
Noel
Oh, I just wanted to say I missed you most of all, Roz.
Roz
Oh, thanks Noel, that's so sweet.
Frasier
Yes, that certainly is sweet, Noel, off you go.
Noel
Me, nothin' much has changed. Still live with my mom. Still working on that Klingon-to-English dictionary.
Frasier
Noel, how do you say goodbye in Klingon?
Noel
Oh, it depends. If you're talking to a superior officer, then...
Frasier
Noel!
Noel
Krish-krush. [leaves]
Roz
I am so thrilled to be back!
Frasier
Oh, God, so am I! Roz, you know I couldn't get a wink of sleep last night. But I put the time to good use though, I composed a little speech to open today's show.
Roz
Oh, that's great. You know, as I was falling asleep last night, it occurred to me that you wanted to talk to me about something.
Frasier
Right. Right, oh, well, it was just, I just had a little bone to pick with you, but it's gone by the wayside now.
Roz
Are you sure?
Frasier
Oh, absolutely. You know how thing's are when you're out of work. You know you just get a little crazy about little stuff.
Roz
Oh, tell me about it. Money things alone.
Frasier
Well, as a matter of fact...
Roz
What?
Frasier
No, no, no, it's not an issue anymore, Roz.
Roz
Come on.
Frasier
Well, all right. It's just that I thought the way you were, uh, spending money was a little unwise. You know, spa days, expensive lunches, Bidwell's perfume? I, I just thought, you know, you were unemployed... But, you know what? You're employed now, so there it is. End of subject, I won't even bring it up again.
Roz
I never told you I bought that perfume.
Frasier
Hmmm? Well, I, I... you didn't have to, I can smell it on you.
Roz
I'm not wearing any.
Frasier
You're kidding. My goodness, is that you? Well then you should sweat into bottles. We've got a show to do.
Roz
The only way you could know that is if you were looking through my shopping ba... the keys!
Frasier
Roz, you know, we really should be setting up.
Roz
I can't believe this! You were searching through my bags? What, is this about the loan?
Frasier
All right. Fine. I gave you fifteen hundred dollars and suddenly you were off on a spending spree.
Roz
Excuse me, but weren't you the one that said I could spend it any way I wanted?
Frasier
Well, I just thought you were going to be a little more responsible than that!
Roz
Oh, so now I'm irresponsible?
Frasier
No, no, I'm just saying that a woman in your situation...
Roz
What situation? Oh, I know what this is all about, my baby.
Frasier
Roz!
Roz
That's what all this irresponsible stuff is.
Frasier
No, that is not what I meant.
Roz
Well, listen, obviously I am not to be trusted with your precious money, so I'm paying you back. And not that it's any of your business, but Carol took me out to La Gallou, and my mother gave me a day at the spa, and those shoes were a store credit. Oh, and I bought the perfume. That was just for me, because I wanted it. [She hands him the check.]
Frasier
Roz, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say any of those things.
Roz
Too late.
Frasier
Please, I can't stand to have you mad at me. Look, let me take you to dinner tonight, we can discuss it afterward.
Roz
You're on.
Frasier
Thank you.
Roz
No. You're on in five seconds.
Frasier
Good afternoon Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane and we're back. But don't worry, I may have been gone a while, but I think I remember how all these knobs and buttons work.
Frasier
I see they've moved the cough button. Well, anyway, I composed some thoughts last night about what this show has meant to me in the last years, and well, I'd like to share it with you now. I realized I have a lot to feel grateful for; grateful for my listeners who trusted me with their problems; and grateful for the person whom I most trust. It's not an exaggeration to say I put my career in this woman's hands every day.
Frasier
And she never lets me down. She shoulders many responsibilities here, and in her personal life, with a grace and skill I admire more than she'll ever know. I'm proud to call her my friend: my producer, Roz Doyle.
Frasier
Well, now, on to the show. If I'm a bit rusty, I hope you'll forgive me. After all, to err is human. I hope you'll look into your hearts...
Roz
All right, Frasier, you're forgiven.
Frasier
Oh, good! Well, we've got a quick word from our sponsor, and then we'll be back with your calls. Back after this.
Roz
[coming to the door] Thanks, Frasier. I'm sorry I got so mad.
Frasier
Oh, Roz, you had every right to. How could I think you would ever squander the money I gave you that way? You'd never be that irresponsible.
Roz
Well, of course I wouldn't. But if it was on your mind, I'm glad you brought it up. I like that we can always be honest with each other.
Frasier
I like that, too.
Roz
I'm so touched that you stayed up all night last night and wrote all those things about me.
Frasier
[kissing her hand] I meant every word.
Noel
Hey, Dr. Crane. Great speech. I love what you said about Roz.
Frasier
Thank you, Noel.
Roz
Hey Bulldog, can you loan me some money?
Bulldog
Sure, how much?
Roz
Fifteen hundred. I just wrote a bad check.
Noel
[reading Frasier's speech] Hey, wait a minute. There's nothing in here about Roz.
Frasier
Noel, put that down.
Noel
"Like Napoleon's triumphant return from Elba.."
Frasier
[snatches the paper] Krish-krush, krish-krush!