Momma Mia
Aired 23rd September 1998 · Written by Rob Hanning · Directed by Kelsey Grammer
Skyline
Above the Seattle skyline flies a plane trailing behind
Frasier
This is exactly why I hate fix-ups, she's not coming.
Roz
Just give her a few more minutes. Come on, tell me about the cabin.
Frasier
Oh, all right. Well, Mom and Dad used to take us up there when we were kids. Niles and I thought it might be a nice birthday gift for Dad if we took him up there again. [then] Oh, this is ridiculous! I'm being stood up on a blind date - I'm pathetic.
Roz
You are so insecure. God! Where does that come from? Jessica will be here.
Frasier
Jessica? I thought you said her name was Jennifer.
Roz
Jennifer? Jennifer goes out with a weatherman. She's way out of your league. Look, let me you have your cell phone. I'll call her and see what's going on.
Roz
Frasier!
Frasier
Oh, I'm sorry Roz, the most striking woman just came in.
Roz
It's probably Jessica.
Frasier
No, no, no, it's not Jessica. She's with a man. God, I don't know what it is about her. I can't take my eyes off of her. Do you suppose they're a couple?
Frasier
Tell you what, you have to go over there for me and find out.
Roz
What?!
Frasier
You owe me. Come on. All right, it's the table right by the counter. Go on.
Frasier
No, Roz, Roz-!
Roz
Excuse me, I know this is a little weird. But my friend over there thinks you're really, really cute. And he wants to know if you two are on a date.
Francesca
A date? Oh no, Hank and I are just friends.
Roz
Oh, that's good news. [Hank turns round and Roz notices him] That's REALLY good news. Hi, Hank. I'm Roz Doyle.
Frasier
Excuse me, ah. I suppose you noticed I was staring at your table and I was just wondering if that gentleman you're with - is he your husband?
Mia
No.
Frasier
Boyfriend?
Mia
No.
Frasier
Oh, wonderful.
Mia
Would you like me to introduce you, he just broke up with someone.
Frasier
No... I was staring at you.
Mia
You were?
Frasier
Yes. Gosh, I know this may seem awfully bold of me, I'm not the sort of man who hits on every woman he sees.
Francesca
Excuse me, hi, your friend said you wanted to know if I was single. [Frasier is worried] It's okay, you don't have to be embarrassed.
Mia
Yes, he does.
Frasier
There's been a little mistake. [to woman] You see, I asked my friend to approach this [points to Mia] lovely woman and she obviously mistook you for the woman I meant. Well, that's certainly understandable, seeing as you're lovely as well. Well, it's just that at this moment, well... [Francesca walks away] Many apologies. [to Mia] Gosh, I'm sorry, let me start again. I'm Frasier Crane.
Jessica
Oh, you're Frasier. Hi, I'm Jessica - Roz's friend.
Frasier
Jessica.
Jessica
Roz thought we might hit it off.
Frasier
Indeed we might have, you see, if not for the fact I just met this woman, to whom I'd be to glad to introduce you, except I don't know what her name is. You know, Roz can explain all this. She's sitting over there next to that scowling woman.
Frasier
Gosh, you know, you must think I'm some sort of a smooth operator.
Mia
No, not really.
Frasier
I really am terribly sorry. Ah...
Mia
I'm Mia. Mia Preston.
Frasier
Mia. Mia Preston? The children's book author?
Mia
Yes.
Frasier
Oh my goodness. "Panda in the Parlor." Oh, wow! I love that book, I've read it a hundred times.
Mia
I'm impressed. Most of my readers can't even count that high.
Frasier
No, I used to read it to my son. You know, many is the quart of milk we've poured in the back yard waiting for the Oreo Tree to grow. Gosh, you know I'd love to take you to lunch, sometime.
Mia
Lunch? Em... I...
Frasier
Well, all right, coffee? Anything. I'd just like a chance to get you know you better.
Mia
Well, okay. You're certainly persistent.
Frasier
Well, as a wise woman once wrote, "No cookie jar is up too high for a panda who will try and try."
Mia
Now you're scaring me.
Martin
Hey, Daph.
Daphne
I see you're wearing your buffet pants.
Martin
They're hip-waders. I'm breaking them in for the weekend. Where's Fras?
Daphne
He's probably off somewhere with that Mia.
Martin
Oh yeah, it seems to be getting serious, huh? You know, it's funny, you can always tell. He starts using French words for no reason.
Daphne
Yeah, and that laugh, the giddy one.
Niles
Hello, all. [notices Martin] Well, there's a faux-pas averted. I almost wore my big rubber pants today!
Martin
They're for the trip. I'm nearly done packing. I just gotta get my fly mast and my tackle box and there's one more thing...
Frasier
Yes, well, we're taking off in a few hours so depeché-toi!
Martin
Oh yeah, earplugs for the car ride up. Thanks.
Niles
Oh but Dad, don't forgot to pack some sturdy knee socks.
Niles
I should get some for myself. You remember the insect situation at the cabin.
Frasier
Good Lord, Niles, not this bug phobia of yours.
Niles
It's not a phobia. The mosquitoes up there are huge. My first summer I was chased off the end of the dock by one the size of a pelican!
Daphne
[to Frasier] So, Dr. Crane, when do we finally get to meet this new girlfriend of yours?
Frasier
Oh, Mia, she's on her way over right now, actually. She's going to take me out to buy some new trousers. You see, with this new diet she's got me on, I've lost my love handles. Just when I needed them most.
Frasier
Niles, Niles, you got those movies?
Niles
Shush, here they are.
Daphne
Movies?
Niles
Shush. Yes, for Dad's birthday we had some old home movies transferred to video tape.
Frasier
Gosh, you know, I haven't seen these in years. You know, Daphne, it's going to be quite a hoot this weekend. Are you sure you don't want to join us?
Daphne
Gutting fish, watching home movies and hosing down your father's pants. It does sound tempting!
Mia
Hi, honey.
Frasier
Hi, Mia. [kisses] Come on in. This is Daphne Moon. [hellos] And my brother Niles.
Mia
It's great to finally meet you two.
Daphne
Likewise.
Frasier
So, what you got there?
Mia
Oh, I baked some fat-free goodies for your trip. Oh, where's the kitchen?
Frasier
Right this way.
Mia
And there's a ton of muffins if anybody wants one.
Niles
Oh, not for me, I have some problems with allergies.
Mia
Really? Well these are just wheat germ, oat bran and carob.
Niles
Oh well, throw in a sea scallop, you can phone the paramedics right now.
Daphne
She seems nice, doesn't she? [silence] You all right, Dr. Crane?
Niles
I'm sorry, Daphne, it's just that Mia looks exactly like our mother.
Daphne
Mrs. Crane? I've only seen photos, mind, but now that you mention it, there is a resemblance.
Niles
It's not just a resemblance. She's the spitting image, I'm shocked Frasier didn't mention it.
Frasier
[enters] So, what do you think of her?
Niles
Well she's wonderful, but Frasier...
Niles
Does she remind you of anyone?
Frasier
Oh, you noticed that too.
Niles
Are you kidding? The minute I laid eyes on her.
Daphne
Even I can see it.
Frasier
Really? Well, she does look a bit like Roz, but she's a totally different person. You know, in fact our relationship is unlike any I've ever had before.
Mia
[enters taking him by the hands mother-like] Come on, handsome. Let's go buy you some pants!
Frasier
[boyish excitement] Oh, okay!
Martin
[cheerfully sent back] Oh, wow! Look at that. I don't believe it. Nothing's changed. [calls] Niles!
Niles
[disappointed] Wow! I don't believe it! Look at this! Nothing's changed!
Martin
It's character, Niles. Look at this fireplace. [sits by it] Your mom and I used to sit in front of the fire here holding hands. I wonder if that... [pulls up rug] Oh, yeah! It's still here. That graffiti that you scratched into the floor.
Niles
That's not graffiti, Dad, that's a Latin pun. "Semper Ubi Sub Ubi" - "Always Where Under Where"
Niles
Oh, that'll be Frasier and Mia.
Martin
Yeah, I was really surprised he brought her here for the weekend. What's she like, anyway?
Niles
Uh, well, she made quite an impression on me. I'm curious to see what you'll think.
Niles
Dad, would you hand me that valise, I want to put on some bug repellent.
Martin
Oh, sure [hands it over] Ooh, it's kind of heavy. What you got in there?
Niles
Bug repellent!
Frasier
Hello, Niles.
Niles
Hey, Frasier.
Frasier
[calls outside] Honey, you stay out there as long as you like. [to Niles] She can't take her eyes off that sunset. Is everything all set here?
Niles
Yes, I just want to make sure this VCR works for our little home movies, later. [presses button twice] Check.
Frasier
Splendid. Niles, you know what, we're going to need some more logs from the wood pile. Come give me a hand.
Niles
[reluctant] All right.
Martin
[enters] Fras, isn't it great to be back here? You know, I want to thank you guys, this is some gift.
Frasier
You're welcome, Dad. Listen, if you're enjoying this little trip down memory lane, wait until you see the other blast from the past we brought up here.
Mia
Martin? Hi.
Mia
It's Mia. Oh my gosh, Frasier did tell you I was coming, didn't he?
Martin
Oh, yeah. [laughs] Of course he did. Yeah, well, nice meeting you.
Mia
It's very nice to meet you. Well, it's so beautiful here.
Martin
I'm glad you like it.
Mia
Are you kidding? I feel like I'm in heaven.
Martin
I'm starting to feel that way myself.
Frasier
Well, nice going, Niles!
Mia
What happened?
Frasier
Niles dropped a huge log right onto my hand when he was startled by a moth.
Niles
It was not a moth, it was a bat. I could tell from that eerie high-pitched scream.
Frasier
That was you! Look, frankly, I wish you'd start seeing someone about this bug phobia of yours.
Niles
It is not a phobia. I have a healthy fear of our natural predators. It's us versus them, and frankly I'm starting to wonder just whose side you're on.
Frasier
It just amazes me that a good psychiatrist can be so blind of something so obvious.
Mia
[motherly] Oh honey, your poor thumb, we should put something on that.
Frasier
[like a son] You know, okay.
Martin
God, she looks just like your mother.
Niles
I know, and Frasier doesn't see it.
Martin
You're kidding?
Niles
No, and he has the gall to tell me I'm blind. He's clearly the one dealing with repressed material, not to mention the obvious Oedipal issues.
Martin
Argle, gargle, gooble, goop.
Niles
What?
Martin
Now you know how it feels, what are you talking about?!
Niles
I'm talking about Freud's theory of the "Oedipus Complex." He believed that every man subconsciously wants to sleep with his mother and kill his father. It's modeled on the Greek tragedy of Oedipus, who actually did sleep with his mother and kill his father, and when he realized what he'd done he gouged out both his eyes.
Martin
Probably not too tough to pick that guy out of a line-up.
Niles
[notices open door] Oh, why don't we just send out engraved invitations for all the bugs of the forest? [shuts door] The question is: how do we bring it to Frasier's attention?
Martin
We don't!
Niles
Dad, denial of this magnitude is not healthy, it's for his own good.
Martin
No, Niles.
Niles
Okay, it's for my own good. Come on, after the way he wagged his finger at me, you can't expect I'm just going to keep quiet about this.
Martin
Look, the last thing I want on my birthday weekend is some big long drawn-out argument between you two, all right? Now let's just chill this beer that we brought, all right, and just put all these weird thoughts out of our minds.
Niles
Fine.
Frasier
Oh, sorry, Dad. Come on, hon. Let's go see if our room still has that big creaky old pine bed that Mom and Dad used to sleep in. [exits with Mia to the bedroom, o.s.] A-ha! Yeah, there she is!
Martin
Well, a guess a warm one wouldn't kill us.
Martin
Boy, being in this place really takes me back. Remember that summer I tried to teach you boys how to fish? You just didn't have the knack, so I went out and I bought these two big trout and snuck 'em on the boat.
Mia
Oh, Marty, you're terrible!
Martin
Yeah, and then I put the trout on their hooks and I dropped them over the side while you two were still arguing about the last Dramamine. I felt bad about fooling ya', but hell, what's the harm of a little fantasy if it makes you feel good?
Mia
More wine?
Martin
Oh thanks, hon.
Mia
Frasier, you've hardly touched your chicken. Is something wrong?
Frasier
Oh, no, no, it's just that, well, I'm having a little trouble holding the knife because someone dropped a log on my thumb.
Niles
Oh, it didn't hurt you that badly, you are such a baby.
Frasier
No, you are a baby, running and screaming because of a little moth.
Niles
I told you it was a bat!
Martin
All right boys, that's enough. Not at the table.
Mia
Your father's right.
Mia
Now Frasier, if your hands hurting, I'll cut your meat for you.
Frasier
Well, all right.
Frasier
You know Niles, not to dwell on this, but you know, I could give you the number of a man who specializes in bug phobias.
Niles
Oh is that so...
Frasier
And while you're at it, I think you should talk to him about your constant chair dusting, I believe that is related.
Martin
Frasier!
Frasier
Well, I'm sorry, Dad, I think a good psychiatrist should be self-aware.
Mia
[giving Frasier a piece of meat] Open wide!
Niles
So you're saying I lack self-awareness?
Martin
Why don't we change the subject, all right? This is a great meal, Mia.
Niles
It certainly was. Frasier, when it comes to girlfriends, you've certainly struck the MOTHERload.
Martin
Niles!
Frasier
You haven't even read her books yet, Dad, it's a delightful series about an adventurous little panda.
Niles
It sounds worthy of MOTHER Goose!
Martin
[changing subject] So, what's coming up next week, Mia?
Mia
Well, I'll have to swear you to secrecy.
Martin
All right.
Mia
It looks like that Panda might just find its way into the attic. [they all laugh]
Niles
Yes, MUM's the word.
Martin
Oh, sorry, Niles. Would you maybe come into the kitchen and I'll just help you get dried off in there, all right?
Niles
Yes, oh dear, it looks like these pants may have to be REPRESSED!
Martin
What the hell's the matter with you?
Niles
Oh, I'm sorry Dad, you can't expect me to let him sit there in his booster seat and tell me I lack self-awareness.
Martin
He'll pick up on what you're saying. Do you want the whole thing to blow up?
Niles
Dad, this level of denial is unhealthy.
Martin
[shouting] We're not in denial! Everything's perfect! This is the best birthday I've ever had!
Mia
I know it's early, but I'm exhausted.
Martin
Oh Mia, you go, you hit the sack, thanks for dinner.
Frasier
I'll be along in a minute.
Niles
Frasier, before you turn in, there's a little something we need to deal with.
Martin
Oh, Jeez.
Frasier
Oh right, Dad, your birthday gift.
Martin
Oh yes, my gift, my gift, I want to open my gift. It's my birthday this weekend, right?
Frasier
Come on Niles. [Niles stands miffed] It'll be fun, come on.
Niles
Oh yes, fine! [throws down a cloth]
Frasier
Oh come on, seeing you and me, Dad and Mom?
Niles
[realizes] You know, I'm getting more excited by the second.
Frasier
Okay, Dad, now listen, you sit right here.
Martin
Oh right, okay, what is this? Some kind of movie?
Frasier
That's right. Here we go.
Martin
Oh, my old home movies. I haven't seen these for twenty years.
Frasier
Well, happy birthday, Dad, now you can watch them whenever you like. [to Niles] Isn't it just the reaction you were hoping for?
Niles
One of them.
Frasier
Oh, dear God! Do you two see what I see? My God, they could be twins.
Martin
Now Frasier, take it easy...
Frasier
You do see it?! How could you miss it? How could I miss it?
Martin
Niles, just calm him down and I'll get him a drink of water.
Niles
Frasier, Frasier, the important thing is not to blow this out of proportion. After all...
Niles
Dear God, what was that, a hummingbird?!
Frasier
What is the matter with me?!
Niles
[running for his bug spray] Now Frasier, you didn't do anything wrong, your feelings for Mia stem from perfectly natural Oedipal desires.
Frasier
Yes, but Oedipal desires are supposed to resolve themselves by the age of six!
Frasier
Oh for God's sake, give me that, you idiot!
Frasier
[screams] I've blinded myself!
Martin
I leave you alone with him for two seconds...
Niles
Frasier, are you all right?
Frasier
[gasping] Let me just try to calm down a little bit. She's not my mother.
Mia
Frasier, come to bed.
Frasier
[scared] Hello? You wanted to see me?
Mia
[sexy] I hope I wasn't rushing you.
Frasier
No, no, it is bedtime.
Mia
Are you okay sweetie? You seem a little tense.
Frasier
No, no, no, I just need to calm down a little bit. [sits rigidly on bed] Yeah, you see, that's better.
Mia
It seems like you're in pain. Oh, it's your hand.
Frasier
[covering] Yes, yes, that's it.
Mia
Well, I know what the problem is there. I never kissed your little boo-boo.
Mia
We don't want these other fingers to be jealous, do we?
Mia
Frasier, honey, please.
Mia
Tell me what's wrong. What's bothering you?
Frasier
I'm sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm just having a little trouble getting comfortable.
Mia
Well, was it something I did, something I said at dinner, what?
Frasier
Okay, okay. Gosh, this is awkward. I just realized that you bear a striking resemblance to my mother.
Mia
But you just noticed it now?
Frasier
Yes.
Mia
Well, it can't be that strong of a resemblance then, can it? [Frasier looks at her] That strong, huh? Well listen, I hope you can get over it, because I think we have a pretty great thing going here. Don't you?
Frasier
Yes.
Mia
We have loads in common, we get along great and don't you want to stick around long enough to see how that naughty Panda gets out of the attic?
Frasier
Oh, I do, yes. You're right, just talking about this makes me feel much better. Oh, God, you're not my mother, this is ridiculous.
Mia
So, you're okay.
Frasier
I'm okay.
Frasier
I'm better than okay.
Mia
Okay, then.
Frasier
Oh well, there's your cab.
Mia
Take care of yourself.
Frasier
Yeah. I'm sorry, this is so awkward.
Mia
No really, it's fine.
Martin
I take it that cab was for Mia.
Frasier
Yeah. You know, I tried to get past it but I just couldn't.
Martin
I'm sorry, son.
Niles
Yeah, me too, Frasier.
Frasier
I won't be getting much sleep tonight.
Martin
Well, I'm up too.
Niles
I won't be getting a wink of sleep either the way those crickets are raging.
Martin
Niles, why don't you get us all a nice big brandy? [Niles does] Now, don't make too much of this, Frasier. So you picked a woman who looked like your mother, so what?
Frasier
"Like her" would have been fine, Dad. We're not talking about a similar hairdo or the same crooked smile. I was dating a replicant.
Martin
Now Frasier, I know you're going to go crazy convincing yourself that you've got some big complex, but couldn't it be simpler than that? Maybe you just miss your mother. I know I do.
Frasier
I do think about her a lot.
Niles
We all do.
Martin
Hey, I think we've talked about all this enough for one night. So, it's still my birthday. I want to watch the rest of my movies.
Frasier
That's a great idea, Dad.
Niles
Check.
Niles
Well, there certainly are a lot of us fighting.
Frasier
You know, Dad, I wish there were more shots with you in it.
Martin
No, no, no, I liked being the cameraman.
Martin
I got to focus on the things I liked.