Back Talk (Part 1)

Martin

[v.o. as Eddie] Rrrr'appy Rrrr'irthday, Rrrr'aiser!

Frasier

[wakes up, sarcastically] Eddie! You can talk!

Martin

[v.o. as Eddie] I've always been able to talk. I just save it for special occasions like somebody's rrr'irthday.

Frasier

Yes, Eddie, thank you very much. But listen, I'd like to talk about Dad. I think his mind may be slipping.

Martin

Hey, don't say things like that. He's a dog, he might not know you're joking.

Frasier

Why, Dad, I didn't even know you were here! [smirks]

Martin

Well, just give me a couple more minutes and I'll have your birthday breakfast all ready. Come on, Eddie!

Martin

[v.o. as Eddie] Rrright behind you!

Frasier

Oh, well, that's very nice, Dad.

Martin

Oh, and look what I got. A newspaper from the day you were born. [hands it to him]

Frasier

I keep telling you to clean out that closet of yours! [sits down and reads it]

Martin

I ordered it!

Frasier

Yes well, let's just see what other wonders occurred on that day. [laughs and reads] "SUSPECTED PINKO OUTED FROM CROSSING GUARD POST" What a jolly world I was born into.

Martin

I know tonight's your party, but here. [lights a candle on a cupcake] Happy birthday! Make a wish.

Frasier

Oh Dad, thank you.

Martin

What's the matter?

Frasier

My back! [in pain] It's completely seized up!

Martin

Well, here...

Frasier

My God! It's been a little tender lately. I went to see the doctor last week, he told me there was absolutely nothing wrong with it.

Martin

Oh, doctors never tell you anything, they're all just a bunch of overpaid quacks. [off Frasier's glare] Oh, I'm sorry, I don't mean you. I'm talking about real doctors!

Frasier

[after he gives Martin a look] How can this be happening to me? I'm always so conscientious about back safety. Why, just the other day when I needed that large heavy stack of books from down in the storage room, I insisted that Daphne make three trips.

Martin

Well, you know what, I've got that old girdle in my bedroom. Let me go get it.

Frasier

Dad, wait, I'm not going to wear anything called a girdle.

Martin

What if I call it a back-brace?

Frasier

Get it!

Frasier

[calls] Daphne!

Frasier

Oh, God... Coming! [slowly gets up and edges to the door] This wouldn't be taking me so long if my housekeeper were here. [finally opens door to Daphne]

Daphne

I'm a physical therapist!

Frasier

Then perhaps you could get me into a chair!

Daphne

[supports him] Oh goodness, is your back bothering you again? Oh, I'm sorry I made you get up. I forgot my keys.

Frasier

You know, perhaps you should get a spare set made just to keep at Donny's. For God's sake, you're practically living there as it is.

Daphne

[guides him to sofa] Oh, now, Dr. Crane. You better get used to it. Once I'm married, I will be living there. [then] I know what'll help that back, a nice massage.

Martin

Here we go.

Daphne

Oh, the girdle! That'll help.

Martin

Now, it's kinda hard to put on by yourself. But if Daphne holds one end and I hold the other, you can kinda spin into it.

Frasier

Please Dad, this is humiliating enough as it is.

Martin

What's humiliating about it? Look, you just hook it in the back like a bra.

Frasier

Just give me that! [snatches it]

Daphne

Mr. Crane, does it bother you when I stay over at Donny's?

Martin

No.

Daphne

Well, it seems to bother Dr. Crane.

Martin

Oh, he's just cranky because of his back.

Daphne

Good Lord! Queen Elizabeth had another baby! I don't care what science can do, it's just not right.

Frasier

[referring to Connie placing the flowers on the console] Oh, that'll be fine right there, be sure to thank the gang for the flowers, Connie.

Connie

You're welcome, Dr. Crane. Happy Birthday. [exits]

Roz

[realizes] Birthday? [then quickly] Happy birthday, Frasier.

Frasier

Thank you, Roz. Not off to the best start though, my back is out.

Roz

Why don't you go home? We'll just air "The Best of Crane." I'll drop your gift by later.

Frasier

No, no, Roz. I promised my listeners that I'd read a birthday address.

Roz

[searching for a gift to give him] Well, people might have forgotten, people do have busy lives, you know. [notices a book on the side]

Frasier

No, Roz, I announced it twice. Anyone paying the slightest attention would know.

Frasier

What are you doing over there?

Roz

Just, wondering when to surprise you with your... present! [holds up gift bag]

Frasier

Oh, Roz.

Roz

Yes, now is as good a time as any.

Frasier

You know, we keep promising each other that we're not going to do this. We've got to stop spoiling one another.

Roz

Well, what am I supposed to do? Just forget your birthday?

Frasier

[looks at book] Oh, Good Lord, Roz. You know, I read the most wonderful review of this recently.

Roz

I hope you like it.

Frasier

Oh look, you've inscribed it.

Roz

[worried] I did?

Frasier

[reads] "You'll always be my baby."

Roz

I must have had a glass of wine when I wrote that.

Frasier

[reads] "Love, Mom."

Niles

There's our bent and broken birthday boy.

Frasier

Hello, Niles.

Niles

I've brought you a little gift. Say hello to sweet salvation, the "Lumbar Log."

Frasier

Thank you, Niles. [takes it and props it behind his back] I think the whole thing is probably stress-related.

Niles

Well, that's very possible. Birthdays can be anxiety- provoking, especially for people of a certain age.

Frasier

I am not "of a certain age," Niles. I am smack dab in the middle of "not a kid anymore." I won't be "of a certain age" for another ten years.

Roz

You know, if your back pain is stress-related, I read a magazine article with an exercise that might help. You just go someplace where nobody can hear you and list all the things that bug you.

Frasier

In what esteemed medical journal did you find this little tidbit - "Cosmo"?

Roz

No, [proudly] "Glamour"!

Frasier

Oh, that's priceless. "I can't find the right shade of lipstick," "I look terrible in a bikini," "He can't find my G-spot."

Roz

I said do it someplace private!

Niles

You know, it couldn't hurt, Frasier.

Frasier

Oh, Niles, it's absurd.

Niles

Hmm, the more you resist, the more I'm wondering if there's something you're trying to avoid.

Roz

Well, thanks for backing me up, Niles. You know, the same article said if you rub a raw potato...

Niles

If we're going to sell him on this, you should drop out now.

Roz

OK.

Frasier

Nobody's going to sell me on anything. That sort of exercise only helps people who lack self awareness. I for one am... [spasm of pain] God almighty!

Niles

Well, no wonder you're stressed, you've got a whole universe to run.

Roz

Thirty seconds, Frasier. [enters her booth]

Niles

All right, I'll be off. You take care of yourself, I'll see you tonight. [exits]

Roz

Are you sure you're up to this?

Frasier

Oh, I'll be fine, Roz. I'm not as delicate as all that.

Roz

How did you do it anyway?

Frasier

Blowing out a cupcake.

Roz

You know, Frasier, we can always put on "The Best of Crane."

Frasier

No, no, Roz. Now, just have a little bit of faith in me. I'm a lot tougher than that. Tell you what, if I feel like I need help towards the end of the show, I'll give you a little signal, all right? [shows her an example of her signal]

Roz

All right, five seconds.

Frasier

Gosh you know, these flowers really are beautiful. [on air] Good afternoon, Seattle.

Niles

Hello! Anyone here? [no reply]

Frasier

I guess they're all out.

Niles

[hurrying across room to sofa] Okay, well let's just get you settled!

Frasier

Niles, Niles, slow down. For God's sake, we're not running a three-legged race. [falls onto sofa] Do you have somewhere to be?

Niles

Well, since you bring it up, I do have a luncheon with my new lady love.

Frasier

Oh, well, gosh, I'd hate to have my pain stand in the way of that! How could that orthopedist of yours tell me there was nothing wrong?

Niles

Frasier, I looked at the x-rays myself, this is not a skeletal problem. There, now you're all fine and I'm sure Dad will be by soon.

Frasier

No, wait. This couch has absolutely no support. [points to chair with ottoman] Let's try that chair over there, please.

Niles

All right. [picks him up] You're not heavy, you're my brother.

Frasier

How could you take me to that unprofessional hack? All he did was give me a bottle full of horse tranquilizers. He didn't care about getting to the root of the problem, he just wanted to shut me up!

Niles

I think it might be time for one of those pills!

Niles

All comfy?

Frasier

This won't do, it's even harder than a seat on a public bus.

Niles

Oh, when were you ever on a bus?

Frasier

At a cocktail party once for the "Friends of Transit."

Niles

I wasn't invited to that.

Frasier

Will you just help me up, for God's sake! [he does] Oh God, you know, maybe I should take another one of those pills.

Niles

All right, I'll get you a glass of water, okay?

Frasier

Right.

Niles

[o.s.] You know, things are really going well with Mel. I've been out with her almost every night. I don't want to jinx things but I dare say we're well on our way to becoming what might almost pass as an item.

Niles

I mean it, Frasier, she is just the... [notices him] Oh my God, did you fall?!

Frasier

No, I'm actually quite comfortable, Niles. And look, there's no glare on the television... and here's a lovely place to set your drink. [he does]

Niles

Just give me your hand and whatever the chair's telling you, don't listen.

Frasier

No, it's helping my back actually. You know, and when you sit in it, you don't have to look at it.

Niles

If you're really interested in correcting this problem and not just medicating it, you should consider that technique Roz mentioned - you know, listing your problems aloud.

Frasier

Oh, give me a break.

Niles

It's perfectly possible that this is connected to some submerged anxiety. What's bothering you?

Frasier

Oh, yes, Niles, you really expect me to sit here all alone in some apartment, prattling on endlessly about my problems like some sort of a lunatic. [Niles slowly leaves unnoticed by Frasier] If you think I'm going to do that, you're the one who needs to get his head examined...

Frasier

Oh, good God! Oh, Eddie, please just shoo! Get off me, get off me!

Frasier

What? Do you want to know what's bothering me too? Well, here's a start, I'm talking to a dog, that bothers me... I'm another year older today. I suppose that bothers me, but not as much as people seem to think. [takes pills] I'm still single, that's a big one. Not having a woman to share my life with. The only women in my life are friends; Roz and Daphne. Daphne's not even here anymore, she'll be married soon. That's going to be tough on Dad.

Frasier

Who am I kidding? It's going to be tough on me. It's been nice having her here. Even when my love life hasn't been going so well, I can always come home to a warm and considerate woman. You know, that's probably why I've been so brusque with her lately. I know that once she's gone, I'll probably be twice as lonely. Well, it's quite a realization, isn't it?

Frasier

I really do love Daphne and I'm about to lose her. I've got to show her how I feel about her, while I still have the chance.

Frasier

Well, I don't know whether it was the therapy or the painkillers but I actually feel a bit better. Let's try this. [pulls himself to sit more comfortably on the chair] Ah...

Frasier

You know, there are subtler ways to let the patient know his hour is up.

Daphne

Oh, Dr. Crane! I didn't know you were here, I can't hear anything in that shower of mine, it's like a soundproof vault!

Frasier

Daphne, I wanted to apologize for being so short with you this morning.

Daphne

It's fine.

Frasier

No, it's not. It's never fine. Listen, come here, please.

Frasier

Give me a hug.

Frasier

Oh Daphne, do you know how much you mean to me?

Daphne

[worried] I'm getting an idea!

Martin

[enters] Hey, Daph. [no response] What's wrong? Are you all right?

Daphne

Well, actually no. I overheard something I wasn't supposed to hear. It's about Dr. Crane. I overheard him say he's in love with me.

Martin

What?

Daphne

And he wants to show me how much he loves me while he still has the chance.

Martin

Oh, jeez, not this!

Daphne

You knew about this?

Martin

I'm not getting in the middle of this!

Daphne

Then it's true?

Martin

Look, I kept my mouth shut for six years, I'm not saying anything now. [exits to kitchen]

Daphne

[gobsmacked] Six years?! He's felt this way for six years?!

Martin

[o.s] You didn't hear that from me!

Frasier

Daphne. Daphne, I can't lower myself into the tub.

Daphne

Well, don't look at me!

Frasier

No, I thought I'd skip the bath and take you up on that massage you offered. Those expert hands of yours might be just what the doctor ordered. [slyly] Let's do it in my bedroom, shall we?

Frasier

What kept you? [Daphne murmurs] Daphne, here, just help me out of this robe, please. I nearly killed myself putting it on.

Daphne

[breathes] Here we go! Now, remember, your back's very tender, so no sudden movements.

Daphne

You know, I'm catching a draft in this robe, perhaps I better change.

Frasier

I'll be waiting!

Daphne

[looks back in disgust] Ooh!

Martin

Hey, Fras.

Frasier

Yes, Dad.

Martin

Did Daphne tell you?

Frasier

Tell me what?

Martin

She found out Niles has a thing for her.

Frasier

What?

Martin

Yes.

Frasier

How?!

Martin

Well, she said she overheard him earlier saying how much he loves her.

Frasier

Oh, dear God, no wonder she's been so distracted. What did you say, did you confirm it?

Martin

Well, yes, I said I knew about it.

Frasier

Oh, Dad...

Martin

Well come on, what else was I going to say?! And then I told her it was none of my business and I took off out of there.

Frasier

[thinks] Wait a minute! How did she even see Niles today?

Martin

I don't know, but she said she overheard him saying he loves her and that he wanted to tell her while he still has the chance.

Frasier

[realizes] Oh, no!

Martin

What?

Frasier

I said that.

Martin

[groans] Oh, not you now!

Frasier

No, no, no, Dad, not that. I was just doing a little exercise to try and help my back and I was talking out loud about how much I was going to miss Daphne. She must have overheard me and misunderstood.

Martin

Who were you talking to?

Frasier

If you must know, I was talking to Eddie.

Martin

[smirks] Helps, doesn't it!

Frasier

Oh, stop it. Thanks to you, now Daphne thinks I'm in love with her. Here I am asking her for a massage, how is she expected to interpret that?!

Martin

[noticing her] Hard to say! [exits]

Frasier

Oh, Lord.

Daphne

Just take a deep breath and try to relax.

Frasier

Daphne...

Daphne

Let's both do that, shall we? [breathes deeply]

Frasier

Daphne, Dad told me that you overheard me.

Daphne

He did?

Frasier

Yes.

Daphne

Well, I certainly picked the wrong person to confide in.

Frasier

No, no, no, I'm glad he told me, because the truth is you misunderstood. You see, when I said how much I cared about you, I didn't mean it in a romantic sense.

Daphne

[hopeful] Then you don't love me?

Frasier

Oh, no, of course I love you, Daphne, but as a friend, that's all!

Daphne

Oh thank God! What a relief! I mean I was flattered, but... [laughs]

Frasier

That's fine, off you go... [his head spins] Oh my, my head.

Daphne

It must be those pills. Come on, let me give you that massage while you can still feel it.

Frasier

All right.

Frasier

You know, Daph, we really are going to miss you around here.

Daphne

It's going to be hard for me too. Something I haven't even wanted to think about - leaving. I know I grumble a bit, but I do love you and your father. I'll still come around though, we'll still see each other.

Frasier

You know what?

Daphne

What's that, Dr. Crane?

Frasier

Dad's chair.

Daphne

I'm not taking it with me if that's where you're heading. [laughs]

Frasier

It's so comfortable!

Daphne

You took quite a few of those pills, didn't you? [pause] You know what's curious, though?

Frasier

Cats!

Daphne

[laughs] Yes! But I'm talking about our little mix-up. When I said to your father, "Dr. Crane's in love with me," he said it's been going on for six years now. What did he mean by that?

Frasier

Oh that... he meant Niles!

Daphne

What?

Frasier

Niles... he's crazy about you!

Daphne

[transfixed in mental conflict] Dr. Crane? [then to Frasier] Dr. Crane!

Martin

[v.o. as Eddie] Come on, Rrr'irthday Boy. Wakey, Wakey, time for Cakey!

Frasier

Dear God! Has a year passed already?

Daphne

[putting on her hat] Please, the elastic's pinching behind my ears!

Martin

Oh, come on, it's just for a couple of hours.

Daphne

It's pulling my hair!

Martin

You don't hear Eddie complaining, do you? [v.o. as Eddie] I rr'uv my hat!

Daphne

You know, I'm this close to breaking that thing into a million pieces!

Frasier

Well, isn't this festive! Oh, Daphne, by the way, thank you for the massage, I think it did just the trick.

Daphne

Anytime, Dr. Crane.

Frasier

Listen, just before I drifted off I'm afraid I might have said something I wish I hadn't.

Daphne

[worried] Yes?

Frasier

It's about Dad's chair, it may be comfortable but I still want to get it out of here.

Daphne

[tense] Oh, that.

Frasier

Why, I didn't say anything else I shouldn't have said, did I?

Daphne

Well... [then] No, no. And don't worry. [points at chair] Mum's the word!

Daphne

[sarcastic] I'll get it!

Frasier

Why, thank you.

Martin

Did you straighten things out with Daphne?

Frasier

Yes, I did.

Martin

Boy, that was a close one. I almost blew Niles's secret!

Frasier

Would you try to be more discreet! I can't pull your chestnuts out of the fire every time!

Niles

Good evening, Daphne.

Daphne

[tense] Dr. Crane.

Niles

You look different somehow. [covering?] Have you done something new with your hair?

Niles

That must be it!