The Fight Before Christmas (Part 2)
Aired 16th December 1999 · Written by Jon Sherman · Directed by Pamela Fryman
Frasier
Oh, Good Lord, Dad. You've been tinkering with that thing for hours. Don't you think that maybe "Dancing Santa" could sit this Christmas out?
Martin
Oh, I've got to get it ready for your big party tomorrow night.
Frasier
Oh, no need, Dad. There will be plenty of things to delight my guests. We'll be caroling and playing games. Oh, and I'll be reading "A Child's Christmas in Wales" to bring the evening to a close.
Martin
[to himself] That should do it!
Roz
Hey, Frasier.
Frasier
Oh, hello, Roz.
Roz
Hey, Martin.
Martin
Hello, Roz.
Roz
I can't stay, I just stopped by to drop off your punch bowl.
Frasier
Well, thank you, Roz. Say, what kind of punch did you serve?
Roz
Well, first I filled it with ice. Then I just poured orange juice and vodka over it.
Frasier
Well, Roz, that's just a giant screwdriver!
Roz
Yeah, so? What am I, Martha Stewart?
Frasier
Fine! Thanks anyway, I'm really going to be needing this bowl tomorrow evening. There's going to be a crowd of guests. I've invited the entire building - including Cam Winston.
Martin
Oh!
Frasier
In the spirit of Christmas I've decided to put an end to our feud.
Roz
What are you feuding about?
Martin
Oh, he parks his SUV right next to Frasier's Beemer!
Frasier
Yes well, that car is grotesquely oversized. I've often been forced to exit from the passenger's side. Many a time, I've been brought to grief on my gear shift! [exits to kitchen]
Roz
Why doesn't he just back in?
Martin
Are you kidding? He can barely hit that space even when the guy's car isn't there!
Daphne
Hi, Roz.
Roz
Hey, Daphne. [calls] Bye, guys! [they ad-lib goodbyes]
Daphne
You leaving?
Roz
Yeah.
Daphne
Actually, there's something I'd like to talk to you about.
Roz
What is it?
Daphne
The other day I found out something about Dr. Crane I wasn't supposed to know.
Roz
[excited] Frasier?
Daphne
No, his brother. Apparently, he's had a crush on me for years.
Roz
[exhales] Thank God!
Daphne
What do you mean, "Thank God?"
Roz
I've been afraid for months I'd be the one to blow the secret.
Daphne
You mean you knew?
Roz
Well, everybody kinda did.
Daphne
And nobody said anything?
Roz
Well, if Niles wasn't ready to say anything, it wasn't our place to do it. Well, who spilt the beans? It was Frasier, wasn't it?
Daphne
Yeah, but he doesn't know he told me.
Roz
He doesn't?
Daphne
Well, he was on those painkillers for his back and, well, I can't very well discuss it with Dr. Crane, he's so close to Dr. Crane, if I told him he might tell Dr. Crane and then Dr. Crane might feel embarrassed.
Roz
Yeah, why confuse things?
Daphne
The whole thing's just a bit awkward.
Roz
I don't see why. Niles has a girlfriend now, so obviously he's gotten over you, and you're engaged to Donny.
Daphne
I suppose when you look at it like that there's really no reason to feel awkward.
Niles
Well, there's a Christmas tableau: "Naughty & Nice."
Daphne
Hello, Dr. Crane.
Niles
Hello, Daphne.
Daphne
I'd see you inside but... I just have to... [excuses] Take out the garbage! [Niles looks confused] It's in my pocket.
Niles
Frasier, I brought those caroling books you asked for.
Frasier
[takes them] Thank you so much. Yes, here we are. "The First Songs From A Victorian Christmas" and "Elizabethan Tidings of Joy." Now we're ready to party! Niles, what do you think? Should we start with the caroling or should we hold off until we've played a spirited game of "The Minister's Cat?"
Niles
Start with the game, then the caroling, then perhaps the guests will be ready for another game.
Martin
Yeah, Russian Roulette!
Niles
[looks at watch] So, I'm off.
Frasier
Oh, Niles, if you're not busy this evening, perhaps you could help me string popcorn garlands.
Niles
Ah, unfortunately, I have to see Maris tonight.
Martin
Maris?! What the hell do you have to see her for?
Niles
Sadly, to pay my condolences. It seems our old gardener has passed away unexpectedly.
Frasier
Oh, not Yoshi. Gosh, that's too bad.
Niles
He had a heart attack when he was out trimming Maris's elaborate hedge maze. The paramedics never had a chance.
Martin
Well, I feel bad about Yoshi, but are you sure it's a good idea spending the evening with Maris?
Niles
Well, she's terribly upset. Maris and Yoshi were very close. In fact I remember he once made a topiary likeness of her and wept without shame when it developed root rot. Well, the problem is, I had to cancel on Mel tonight.
Frasier
Oh, really? Well, Niles, if you want my advice, I wouldn't mention Maris to Mel.
Niles
What?
Frasier
The last thing a new girlfriend wants to hear is that you're consoling your ex-wife.
Niles
Well, I hate to lie to Mel. Though I do see your point, Frasier.
Martin
Ha-hey! There he goes!
Niles
[putting on a joyful facade] Dad! Santa's back!
Martin
Yeah! It's the darndest thing, every year when I take him out of the box, something's wrong with it. But I always manage to fix him again.
Niles
Good for you, Dad. [to Frasier, sotto voce] I told you to dunk it underwater.
Frasier
I did!
Kenny
Hey Doc. Merry Christmas.
Frasier
Hi, Kenny. My, the station has certainly outdone itself this year with the Christmas in Mexico theme.
Kenny
It was my idea. It hit me when I realized their sauces are red and green.
Frasier
[laughs] Well, that's why you're the boss.
Roz
Hey, Frasier, what time's your party tonight?
Frasier
[quiets her] Please keep your voice down, you're the only one from the station I've invited.
Roz
The only one?!
Frasier
Yes, but don't worry, there'll be scads of people, because I invited everyone in my building. Seven o'clock!
Frasier
Oh, Gil, Merry Christmas.
Gil
And to you, Frasier.
Frasier
Oh, thank you.
Gil
I hope you've saved room for dessert.
Frasier
Have you been baking?
Gil
I have! Gingerbread men.
Frasier
Oh my, [looks] don't they look... muscular!
Gil
Yes well, my wife and I made a New Year's Resolution; Deb and I have joined a gym to slim down and buff up. We needed these to inspire us.
Frasier
Ah yes, there's nothing to strengthen a dieter's resolve like a good motivational pastry.
Gil
Precisely. The problem is they're so delicious, I've already had three. [picks one up] This is my last little man, I promise. [starts to eat him] Oh, Gil, who are you kidding? [wanders off]
Frasier
[aside] No one, Gil.
Mel
Frasier.
Frasier
Mel.
Mel
Hello.
Frasier
Well, gosh, I never expected to see you here.
Mel
Oh, well, I was one of the doctors on "Health Chat" during cosmetic surgery week. I did a segment on breast augmentation.
Frasier
Ah, how uplifting! [laughs but Mel doesn't find it funny]
Mel
Yes well, Niles is hanging up our coats. So did you two have a good dinner last night?
Frasier
Oh, no, no, actually we didn't have dinner last night, I was too busy planning my party. But please don't mention it to any of my colleagues, they're not invited...
Frasier
Mel?
Niles
[arrives] Frasier, Frasier, glad I saw you. About last night, if Mel should ask...
Frasier
Oh, dear.
Niles
Oh, no.
Frasier
Oh, yes.
Niles
And you...?
Frasier
I'm afraid so.
Niles
Damn you! Well, you're the one who told me to lie to her and now you fail to back me up!
Frasier
[shouts after him] Well, I'm a little preoccupied, I'm having a party tonight for two hundred people!
Kenny
Well, I won't lie to you, Doc. This hurts!
Niles
Mel, Mel, darling, please, quick, quick come here, sweetheart.
Mel
Niles-
Niles
I know you're upset, darling, but...
Mel
Please, we're at a party.
Niles
All right, you're right, we'll talk about it later.
Mel
No, we'll talk about it now. Just put on your party face.
Mel
Don't embarrass me - as if I could be further embarrassed after you lied to me.
Niles
I can explain.
Mel
No, no, no, you don't need to. When a man lies about where he's been, it's not hard to guess the reason. So what's the little whore's name?
Niles
[laughs to cover] No, no, darling. The reason I told you that I was dining with Frasier was actually, I was out...
Mel
Yes?
Niles
Getting your Christmas present.
Mel
[covers her mouth with embarrassment and happiness] My present! Oh, darling, I'm so sorry. I should have known.
Niles
I'm so glad you're forgiving me. Or is that your party face?
Mel
No, of course not. [kisses him] Why don't you hang my coat back up and I'll get us something to drink?
Niles
Of course.
Frasier
Oh, Mel, this is awkward.
Mel
Oh, no, no, no, Frasier. Niles explained everything and while I don't like being lied to, I do appreciate why he did it.
Niles
[runs over, worried] Ooh, hello! Hello, chatting, are we?
Frasier
Well, actually I was just apologizing for my part in your little misunderstanding.
Niles
Well, then of course you were discussing the present.
Frasier
Oh, yes, the present. [lifts glass] And the future, Maris is all in the past!
Mel
[sharply] Maris?
Frasier
Oh, dear.
Mel
You were with Maris last night?
Niles
Well...
Mel
How dare you?! [leaves to coat stand]
Niles
[to Frasier] Anything else in the box, Pandora?
Niles
Mel, please.
Mel
Don't touch me, no.
Niles
Party face, party face.
Mel
Forget the party face. You're obviously still in love with you and I'm not about to share you. Goodbye. [exits]
Frasier
Niles, Niles, I'm so sorry.
Niles
Frasier, don't pretend to be sorry. All you care about is your precious party that you're hosting tonight!
Donny
Don't be nervous, honey.
Donny
Bring it home, Daphne!
Donny
Daphne Moon, everybody! We'll take your requests.
Martin
[entering from kitchen] How about a little "Silent Night"?
Frasier
Oh, stop that!
Martin
What?
Frasier
Those are for the party.
Martin
[looks around] In case you haven't noticed: I am the party.
Donny
Didn't the invitation say it was for seven o'clock?
Daphne
I hope people knew it was for tonight.
Frasier
Stop worrying, they'll be here. They're probably just fashionably late. People do love to make an entrance, you know.
Frasier
A-ha! Daphne, open the floodgates!
Niles
Hello.
Daphne
Evening, Dr. Crane. Isn't Mel with you?
Niles
No, she won't be coming. We broke up.
Daphne
[anxious] What?
Niles
Yup, this afternoon.
Daphne
Goodness, I'm so sorry.
Frasier
Did you try to call her, Niles?
Niles
I left a dozen messages.
Donny
Oh, no, I'm so sorry. How long were you guys together?
Niles
Oh, no that long. Still, I was optimistic.
Donny
Did you talk about moving in together? Make any long term plans?
Niles
This is really bringing out the lawyer in you, isn't it? [laughs]
Donny
The bartender, actually. I was just wondering how big a drink to make you.
Niles
Ah, big! Scotch.
Donny
Don't worry, Niles. We'll fix you up with somebody.
Niles
Oh, thanks Donny, I don't think this is a time for me to be meeting someone new.
Donny
Someone old, then. You know, an old flame, an ex-girlfriend, someone who got away. Huh? [Daphne looks nervous] Come on Niles, there must be somebody you had your eye on before Mel.
Daphne
Donny, please! Can't you see you're making him uncomfortable!
Donny
What? I was just trying to help, honey! You see, Niles, it's not us, it's the holidays. It makes women crazy!
Frasier
A-ha, hello everyone! Come in, come in!
Frasier
That's very nice, ladies first. Now, no crowding, no pushing. [laughs]
Frasier
Where are they going?
Roz
I've got bad news for you. That feud you were having with the guy upstairs? It isn't over. He's having his own party.
Frasier
Damn him! He's siphoning off my guests.
Frasier
You know, you won't believe this. That dreadful Cam Winston is having a competing party!
Donny
Oh, that's what that was. Some big sign in the lobby, it said "Winston Party 2000."
Frasier
Yes, that's his apartment number. Well, two can play at that game! Donny!
Donny
Yeah?
Frasier
[gives him paper, a pen and some scissors] Do me a favor, will you? Make me one of those signs, see what you can fashion out of these crude implements.
Donny
Okay, I'll try.
Martin
I don't know whether that's a good idea, Fras.
Frasier
What?
Martin
Well, "Winston Party 2000" sounds like the party of the future. "Crane Party 1901" sounds like... well, this.
Roz
Don't worry about it, Frasier. You always throw a good party. This place'll be hopping in no time.
Frasier
Thanks, Roz.
Roz
[into phone] Hey, Connie, it's a morgue here. Is the party at the station still happening? Great, I'll be there as soon as I can.
Roz
Oh, hey Daphne.
Daphne
You're not going to believe this. Dr. Crane broke up with Mel.
Roz
Oh, yeah, I know, I heard.
Daphne
Is there anything you don't know before I do?
Roz
I overheard them at the office Christmas party.
Daphne
Really, what happened?
Roz
Well, okay, don't freak out. Mel accused Niles of still being in love with someone else.
Daphne
My God, that's me! I'm someone.
Roz
I said not to freak out.
Daphne
But what if he says something to me?
Roz
Just let him down gently.
Daphne
Oh, it never works out that easily. You know how it is when you say no to a guy.
Roz
[uncertain] Yeah... sure.
Daphne
It just gets messy after that. You say you'll be friends, but you never are. It ruins everything.
Roz
He's not going to say anything tonight. As long as Donny's here you're totally safe.
Frasier
Let's find a prominent place to put this. Preferably right on top of Winston's sign!
Frasier
Oh, go easy there, Niles.
Niles
Oh, haven't you given me enough advice for one day?
Frasier
My canapés! [goes to kitchen]
Martin
You know, Niles, you look like you need cheering up.
Niles
Daphne's present!
Martin
Did it break?
Niles
Well, we won't know until she opens it!
Martin
I'm sorry, but, hey look. [gives him Mel's present] You don't need this one for Mel, do you?
Niles
Well, I guess not.
Martin
Okay, well here. [swaps gift tags] Put that in there, and this right in here, problem solved.
Frasier
All right, now, you two, I don't want everyone congregating in the kitchen. Now go out and mingle!
Roz
[acting] Niles! Martin! I didn't see you come in!
Niles
[echoing] Roz! Daphne! I didn't want to give these out in front of all the guests, but since there aren't any. [hands over presents] Roz, this is for you, and Daphne, Merry Christmas.
Daphne
Oh, Merry Christmas, thank you, Dr. Crane.
Daphne
[scared] Oh no, it's jewelry.
Roz
[bored] Oh no, it's a book.
Frasier
My God, there must be a hundred people up there! Well, I'll just show you what you're missing! [wafts the smell up] Savory lamb tenders! Pesto-filled mushroom caps! Smell �em and weep!
Martin
[patronizing] Come on, Frasier. Maybe we ought to walk you back inside, there you are...
Frasier
[forlorn] Oh, Dad...
Niles
[into phone] Yes, yes darling, that's wonderful. I'll see you soon. [hangs up]
Niles
That was Mel!
Frasier
And?
Niles
I managed to explain about Yoshi, she's on her way over.
Frasier
Thank God!
Niles
I know.
Frasier
Another guest! [off Niles's glare] Oh, it's also wonderful for you, Niles. Congratulations.
Niles
There is one minor detail I need to iron out. I also got a message from Maris saying she wants to see me again. [gets a bottle of water] I think she may have mistaken last night's sympathy for affection.
Frasier
Oh, my. Well, Niles, if you want my advice-
Niles
Ooh, you know, you really need to stop saying that.
Frasier
You've got to make your feelings clear to her, and the sooner the better. There's very little point letting it drag on like this.
Niles
You're right. I'll speak to her tonight.
Niles
At the moment, I just want to patch things up with Mel.
Frasier
A-ha. Well, you know, those antique earrings you bought her should go a long way towards that.
Niles
[realizing] Oh... I gave them to Daphne!
Frasier
You did what?
Niles
Well, Daphne's gift broke and I didn't think Mel was coming. Dad suggested I switch the gift cards.
Frasier
Oh, for God's sake. Dad and his meddling! Well, if you want my advice... [off Niles's glare] You know where to find me.
Daphne
Roz!
Roz
What?
Daphne
You can't go.
Roz
Why not?
Niles
Daphne, I'm sorry to interrupt. I need to speak with you. It's a private matter, would you join me out on the balcony for a moment?
Daphne
All right.
Niles
Thank you.
Roz
Whoa! He's gonna tell you.
Daphne
[imitating her] Oh no, not tonight, not while Donny's here! [then] Roz!
Roz
Okay, so I was wrong. Boy, this is rough. What are you going to do?
Daphne
I don't know. I guess I won't give him the chance. I'll speak first, I'll just be direct. I'll tell him I know how he feels about me, but I don't feel that way about him. I love Donny, and nothing's going to happen between us.
Roz
Good. [re-thinks] Luck!
Daphne
Hi.
Niles
Daphne, er, I wish there were an easier way to say this, I...
Daphne
Wait! I have something I'd like to say first. Dr. Crane, I have to tell you that...
Niles
Oh Daphne, I am so sorry, what am I thinking? Here.
Daphne
Oh, thank you. Anyway, Dr. Crane, I know that... [once again she can't say it]
Niles
Yes?
Daphne
I'm sorry, I...
Niles
Why don't I start?
Daphne
No, Dr. Crane...
Niles
No, no, I really need to say this, I can't wait any longer. Daphne...
Daphne
Yes?
Niles
This is so difficult for me.
Daphne
[almost hoping] Yes.
Niles
I need my Christmas present back.
Daphne
...You what?!
Frasier
People will go almost anywhere for free food and booze. Am I really so insufferable?
Roz
I could call up the station and see if people want to come over.
Frasier
[sarcastic] Oh yes, Roz, let's call in the second string guests. Let's fill my home with a bunch of angry, snubbed co-workers. [then] Do you think they'd come?
Frasier
Fashionably late! Hello, everyone. Come in, Merry Christmas. Help yourself to the drinks.
Donny
Okay, Marty, how did you get these people down here?
Martin
Oh, I just called an old buddy in the fire department and told him that that many people in one place had to be a code violation.
Donny
Oh, that is smart. But aren't there going to be the same number of people down here?
Frasier
All right, everyone, we'll start by singing some carols and then we will choose our teams for "The Minister's Cat."
Martin
[to Donny] I don't think that's going to be a problem.
Niles
I feel terrible about this, and of course, I'll replace the gift.
Daphne
That's all right. [takes coat off] Well, I won't be needing this anymore. [hands it back to him]
Niles
Daphne, Daphne, Daphne, you never finished what you were going to say.
Daphne
Oh, well, it was about the gift. Well, I could see from the box that you got me jewelry from "Beady & Sons" and I didn't get you anything nearly as grand. Well, doesn't matter now.
Daphne
Oh, Mel. She's here.
Niles
Yes, excuse me.
Niles
I'm so glad you came. [gives her the present] Merry Christmas.
Mel
Merry Christmas.
Roz
So, how did it go? Did you tell him?
Daphne
Never got the chance, he went first. It turned out he'd just given me the wrong gift and wanted it back.
Roz
You're kidding! You must be so relieved.
Daphne
I'll say! I've never been so relieved in my life.
Frasier
All right, everyone, we'll start with an easy one.
Chorus
Deck the halls with bows of holly, Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la, Tis' the season to be jolly, Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la, Don we now our gay apparel, Fa-la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la.