RDWRER

Roz

Hey, Frasier.

Frasier

Hello, Roz. Happy New Year. [they hug] Or should I say "Happy New Millennium?"

Roz

Oh, barf, I'm so sick of talking about it.

Frasier

Oh, now Roz, let's not condemn the new Millennium just because you woke up in it with a hangover. That's what ruined church for you.

Roz

[to waiter] Decaf latte, please. [to Frasier] I just hate how this arbitrary point on the calendar has become so significant. And as far as my hangover went, it was worth it. I partied my ass off like a brain-damaged test monkey!

Frasier

I see. Well, allow me to congratulate you on your first science-related metaphor.

Roz

Thank you. And what did you do? Get all freaky and finish your list of the century's greatest thinkers?

Frasier

No, my New Year's was plenty exciting enough, thank you very much! Although not exactly in the way I'd planned...

Niles

Cancel the Millennium! "Chez Henri" has burned down!

Frasier

Burned down?!

Niles

Yes! Apparently, Henri was caramelizing a huge cr�me br�l�e in the shape of Puget Sound, when a sugar spark ignited a thirty-foot paper maché "Space Needle." They're already calling it the worst centerpiece disaster in the history of Seattle.

Frasier

Henri built his reputation with that caramelizing torch. My God, the irony of him burning down his own restaurant with it. It's worthy of "Oh! Henry."

Niles

"Oh! Henri." [laughs]

Frasier

Please, Niles, it's too soon to joke. What exactly are we going to do tomorrow night? Every restaurant in town worth going to has been booked for months.

Martin

Well, you know, you can join me and the boys at McGinty's. It's going to be a lot of fun, they're going to dye the beer green.

Niles

Why would you do that on New Year's Eve?

Martin

Oh well, McGinty's going in for a bypass next month and he's afraid he might not make it out for St. Paddy's Day.

Niles

This is a disaster!

Martin

No, they'll just pop in another pig valve. You know, the only reason he needs it is because he eats so much bacon. So, the same thing that's killing him is keeping him alive. [laughs] There's your "Oh! Henry" story.

Niles

Well, maybe we can just stay in tomorrow night.

Frasier

On the most significant New Year's Eve of our lifetime?! I think not!

Niles

I should have just gone with Mel. She and her mother are taking a hot air balloon through the wine country. [Martin and Frasier look at him] Well, not in the balloon, no, but I could have followed along in the recovery vehicle.

Frasier

Wait a minute! Speaking of wine, wasn't the wine club having some sort of a party?

Niles

Yes, at Ken Lauerbock's place in Sun Valley. Oh, it's a huge event.

Frasier

Of course, "Auld Lang Wine!" Niles, call to see if we're still invited.

Niles

All right, I'm on it.

Daphne

Bloody hell! Five days after Christmas is over and I'm still getting these cards! They do it on purpose, you know. It's always from someone you forgot, and then it's too late to send one back, then they sneer at you for the rest of the year! [reads card] "Peace and Goodwill," my ass! You just lost yourself a customer, Dr. Naran S. Gupta, D.D.S.!

Martin

[sarcastic] Losing a set of English teeth, he'll feel that!

Daphne

This is for you, from the DMV.

Martin

Oh-ho, I know what this is! The custom plates I ordered for my Winnebago! [takes them out] Yay! Well, fifty bucks, but I think it says it all.

Frasier

"Erd... Whirr-Er"?

Daphne

"Rid-Worr-Yer"?

Frasier

"Red Wearer"!

Martin

Oh, for God's sake! "Road Warrior"!

Daphne

Of course! [sarcastic] For a retired man with a cane and a Winnebago, I don't know why my mind didn't go straight to it!

Niles

Huzzah! [to Daphne] Hello, Daphne. [to Frasier] Ken said he'd love to have us come and [to Martin] the more the merrier.

Frasier

Oh, Niles, that's brilliant. Dad, please, please, won't you join us? You know what, say, let's call the travel agent.

Daphne

Not to rain on your parade, but you may have a tough time getting flights this late. Donny and I had a devil of a time getting our flights to San Francisco.

Frasier

Oh Daphne, they always set aside a few choice seats for Seattle's travel elite.

Motorist

[v.o.] Pick a lane, Road Warrior!

Martin

See, he got it! He-hee! [Martin puts his thumb up at him in glee]

Martin

Being on the road like this, it's like we're three dusty hobos sharing a box-car to parts unknown.

Niles

Yes, well, if you don't take this next turn we'll end up in "Californy."

Frasier

Gee, Niles, you seem a little cranky.

Niles

Well, perhaps that's because I was rousted out of a warm bed at the crack of dawn and herded onto a Winnebago!

Martin

Better safe than sorry, Niles. You know, it's 650 miles to Sun Valley, and half of that's through the mountains.

Niles

By the way, how are we going to explain to the wine club our arriving in a Winnebago?

Frasier

Just chalk it off to whimsy, Niles. We'll call it our "Van Ordinaire!" [laughs] You know, besides, I'm actually enjoying this little trip through the heartland. I feel a bit out of touch with the common man, it's nice to reconnect.

Niles

Well, while you're reconnecting, why don't you let me drive?

Frasier

I would, Niles. It's just that, em... I need you to navigate.

Martin

Yeah, you're the most important member of our crew, good buddy!

Frasier

The man with the map!

Niles

Stop patronizing me, I want to drive.

Martin

Oh, you're not good with big cars, Niles. Remember when I tried to teach you to drive my LeSabre? You kept panicking and pulling on the emergency brake.

Niles

Well, it's a good thing I did. Those mailboxes weren't even slowing me down!

Martin

Oh, did you see that sign? "Little Red Cabin." Do you remember those diners? [laughs] "Home of the Log Roller: a flank steak wrapped around a combination of eggs, cheese and onions!" You kids used to love eating there. You'd scream out at me, "Dad, pull over. Quick, pull over!"

Frasier

Actually, Dad, that was after we ate!

Frasier

[noticing Niles] Oh, Niles. [turns stereo off] I thought you were sleeping.

Niles

I was trying to, but Dad wanted to watch the VCR.

Frasier

Oh, good Lord, not "Robin and the Seven Hoods" again.

Niles

Worse.

Martin

Yeah, baby, you know, that was a shag-a-delic flick!

Niles

You know, dad, if you're quite done, I think I'll try to take a nap.

Martin

[Austin-Powers-ish] Oh, beeehave!

Frasier

You know, Dad, you do realize that the "Austin Powers" craze is completely over!

Martin

Well, I'm sorry, do I bore you? Or do I make you randy? [laughs]

Frasier

[to phone] Hello. Yes, Niles. I'm driving as smoothly as I can. Any other little driving tips you'd like to give me, [shouts back to the quarters] why don't you just come up here and tell me to my face! [hangs up]

Martin

Hey, look, another "Little Red Cabin" sign. You know, we're not going to find anything better to eat on this highway.

Frasier

Oh, let's not be hasty, Dad. It's five miles away, we might run over something before then!

Niles

You know, I am so tired, I can barely read this menu.

Frasier

It's all right, Niles. You don't have to read. You can just point to a picture of the food you want!

Martin

What's this? "A Log Roller with your choice of cheese." You can't have a Log Roller without American cheese!

Frasier

Apparently you can't get anything in this restaurant without American cheese. Including the menu! [wipes cheese off menu]

Martin

Niles, if you're so tired, why don't you go back to the Road Warrior and take a nap?

Niles

Oh, you know, that's a good idea. At least it'll be quiet. [rises]

Martin

I wonder if you can still get Sticky Shingles here?

Niles

One look at the salad bar says yes. [exits]

Martin

What looks good to you, Fras?

Frasier

Well, actually, Dad, you know, I think I'll have a hamburger.

Frasier

Would you order that for me, Dad?

Martin

Yeah. You're going some place?

Frasier

As a matter of fact, I am. I'm going to take a chance and reacquaint myself with an old friend of mine: America.

Frasier

Hello there. [sits with him] Could I buy you a cup of coffee? You see, I'm just a wandering city mouse, trying to get in touch with America. Now, you, you look like you be a farmer.

Farmer

Oh, I get it. You see a guy in a rural diner wearing shabby clothes and you pin your little label on him. Well guess what, I am a farmer, but I'm also a beautiful, flawed, complicated human being and it's going to take more than a cup of coffee to get inside here.

Frasier

I'll just go see how my father's doing.

Martin

How was he?

Frasier

Beautiful, flawed, unpleasant.

Martin

Well, according to the map it's about three hundred miles to Sun Valley.

Frasier

Oh, that's delightful, Dad. You know what, we'll get there in plenty of time for the party.

Martin

Now listen, you know, your brother's going to be hungry, maybe we should bring him a sandwich.

Frasier

I wouldn't worry about Niles, Dad.

Frasier

He's so tired, let's just let him sleep for the rest of the trip.

Martin

Are you sure?

Frasier

Oh sure. It's the most exciting day of the year, Dad. For God's sakes, you know, when Niles wakes up I guarantee the last thing he'll be thinking about is sandwiches!

Betty

Oh my goodness. Look what I just found in my pocket, the lighter I borrowed from that waitress in the restaurant. I feel terrible!

Clifford

Forget it, Mother. We're not taking it back.

Betty

Well, I really think we should just turn around and say we're sorry and return it.

Clifford

I think we ought to keep it. Our old one's nearly out of fuel anyway.

Betty

It doesn't make it right. We're still criminals in the eyes of the law.

Clifford

There's a lot worse criminals than you and me. Do you remember that last gun show we went to? We must have seen at least three different people swiping boxes of shells.

Betty

There's one thing you can say for us, we pay for our ammo!

Martin

So at this party tonight, there going to be a lot of shagnificent birds?!

Frasier

Dad, I'm begging you.

Frasier

Hello? [peeved] Niles, would you please stop doing this! [hangs up]

Clifford

I'm getting a little drowsy.

Betty

Well, if you're so tired, just scootch over, I'll take the wheel.

Niles

Yes, yes, hello. I'm being kidnapped, this is an emergency, I'm being kidnapped. I'm in a stolen Winnebago heading east on I-84. I can't talk any louder, I'm being stolen. Yes, yes. Washington plates, R-D-W-R-E-R: Road Warrior. Yes, it does. It does so, sound it out. Oh, never mind, for God's sake, just save me!

Clifford

You know what, I'm getting sleepy, I'm going back for a little lie-down.

Betty

All right. [as Clifford is just about to enter the sleeping quarters] Oh wait Dad, look, there's another one of those "Little Red Cabin"'s. Why don't we just stop and have some supper first?

Clifford

'Cause I'm tired and I'm not hungry.

Betty

[sternly] Clifford!

Clifford

Well, I guess a sandwich wouldn't kill me.

Betty

I feel sort of funny even stopping here, it's a little like returning to the scene of the crime.

Clifford

Mother! Let it go!

Martin

All right, Eddie. Let's go sign nature's guest book!

Frasier

Hello.

Niles

[v.o.] Frasier.

Frasier

Yes.

Niles

Niles.

Niles

Put your fears to rest, I've got Dad's Winnebago back!

Frasier

Niles, what on earth are you talking about? You must have had a nightmare?

Niles

Indeed I have, but it's over now and I've managed to give the thugs a taste of their own thieving medicine!

Frasier

Niles! Niles, where are you calling from?

Niles

From behind the wheel of the "Road Warrior" and doing a damn fine job driving it too, I might add.

Frasier

Well, I'm in the "Road Warrior"! You got in the wrong car, you idiot! You've stolen a Winnebago!

Niles

Don't be absurd.

Niles

OH MY GOD!

Frasier

All right, Niles. Just keep your head, there's no need to panic!

Officer

[o.s., over loudspeaker] This is the police! Exit the vehicle immediately with your hands above your head.

Betty

How's that turkey club, Dad?

Clifford

A little dry.

Officer

Sorry about the misunderstanding. These papers all check out, sir. [hands them over]

Martin

Well, if there's nothing else, we're in a hurry to get to Sun Valley.

Frasier

But, not too much of a hurry. [laughs]

Officer

Well, drive safely.

Martin

Thank you.

Martin

What a clown. I can tell you ten things he did wrong right off the bat.

Frasier

Well, at least he was apologetic.

Martin

Oh, these hick towns give any bozo a badge. [the officer appears at the window and overhears] A goober like that wouldn't last ten minutes in a real police force. [notices the peeved officer] ...without getting a promotion!

Officer

Your license! [hands it over]

Frasier

Hello.

Niles

Hello, Frasier. I managed to solve the problem, I returned the Winnebago.

Frasier

To where? Where are you?

Niles

Well, I'm in Baker City, Oregon.

Frasier

Baker City?!

Martin

Shag me rotten! That's three hundred miles!

Frasier

Niles, we will never get there and then back to Sun Valley before midnight.

Niles

Well I'm not going to ring in the new year in a "Little Red Cabin."

Frasier

All right, all right, listen, the only way we can ever pull this off is if you can catch a ride in this direction.

Niles

Hold on, hold on.

Betty

[looking at lighter] Oh my gosh, it's engraved. Dad, I'm not going to enjoy the rest of this trip until I return this woman's lighter.

Clifford

Mother, do you expect me to turn around and drive a hundred and fifty miles back to that Little Red Cabin? We are not going, end of discussion.

Betty

Clifford.

Niles

[into phone] Good news, I'm on my way. [hangs up]

Frasier

Niles says he can make it back to the restaurant where we first got separated, all I have to do now is to turn this boat around.

Martin

Thirty miles to the next exit.

Frasier

I can't wait that long!

Martin

Well, you can't do a U-ey on an interstate.

Frasier

That's twentieth century talk, Dad. Welcome to the future!

Frasier

God, that felt great! Wow, this is really quite an adventure, isn't it, Dad!

Martin

It is now.

Frasier

Oh, dear God.

Martin

All right, just relax, Frasier. Now, I know cops. Just let me do the talking, and we'll be out of here in two minutes.

Frasier

All right Dad, let's switch.

Officer

Well, look who's here. Do you boys know what you did wrong back there?

Martin

Yeah, yeah, I know, a U-turn.

Officer

Nope, called me a goober!

Frasier

Niles, I'm so sorry we're late.

Niles

Ah, well. Not to worry, when you're here at the cross-roads of the world you have the human drama to amuse you.

Martin

Well, happy new year, boys.

Frasier

Yes, five minutes ago! Everyone in the world will have a wonderful story to tell about where they were and what they were doing when the Millennium dawned. What is our story? Speeding along a lonely highway [to Niles] and you here doing nothing.

Niles

Well, not exactly nothing. Big Sandy let me watch the register while she emptied the rat traps.

Martin

Hey, wait a minute, where are we?

Frasier

Well, Dad, I've never seen a picture of the official middle of nowhere, but I assume...

Martin

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but the middle of nowhere, Mountain Time, right? It's still only 11:05 Pacific Time.

Niles

Which can't be more than forty-five minutes from here.

Martin

Right! We can cross the line and toast in the new year.

Frasier

Dad, that's brilliant! And there was a delightful little restaurant just across the border.

Martin

Well, the guide book said it was pretentious.

Frasier

Perfect, let's roll!

Frasier

We're running out of time!

Martin

Well, I'm doing my best, Frasier, but we seem to be losing power.

Frasier

What's that noise? What's wrong with the engine?

Niles

I didn't touch the emergency brake!

Martin

When's the last time you put gas in this thing?

Frasier

Me?! I don't even know where the thing is to put the gas into.

Martin

Oh, no. I'm sorry, boys. It's dying, I'm going to be lucky to get this off the road.

Frasier

I can't stand this! Have we so offended the Millennium gods that they will do anything to ruin this evening? Burn down our restaurant? Hurl vindictive lawmen and duplicate Winnebagos in our path to confound us?!

Martin

[looks out of window] Hey, is that a sign?

Frasier

Of course it's a sign! It's a sign that we're cursed!

Martin

No, no, it is, it's a sign!

Martin

We're entering Pacific Time Zone! We're here!

Frasier

We made it! Come on, Eddie! [checks his watch] Thirty seconds to spare.

Frasier

We're rolling! We're rolling backwards.

Martin

Oh, no!

Niles

No need to panic, Frasier.

Niles

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Martin

We rolled back into Idaho!

Frasier

Follow me!

Frasier

Ten seconds, let's look alive. [tries to open the champagne] Damn this foil!

Martin

You can do it, Fras, relax and focus.

Niles

Three, two, one....

Martin

Oh-ho, we made it! Happy New Year!

Frasier/Niles

Happy New Year!

Niles

Well, if you ask me, this beats a dull party.

Martin

Yeah...

Niles

Family and good champagne and a blanket of stars.

Frasier

[raises his cup] Hear, hear.

Frasier

You know what, I think this calls for a song. [sings] "Should auld acquaintance be forgot..."

All

"...and never brought to mind. Should-"

All

[rapidly] "Should-old-acquaintance-be-forgot-for-Auld-Lang- Syne..."