They're Playing Our Song
Aired Jan. 13, 2000 · Written by David Lloyd · Directed by David Lee
Skyline
A moon rises above the city.
Frasier
And we'll be right back after this short news break.
Gil
Frasier...I'm here to give you an advance tip.
Frasier
Really?
Roz
Hey, Gil.
Gil
Roz! I'm about to review a divine new Italian trattoria I've discovered called "Bella, Bella."
Frasier
Ah-ha.
Gil
I'm alerting you now because once I review it, reservations will be impossible to come by.
Frasier
Well, thank you, Gil, it's always gratifying to be a few minutes ahead of a trend.
Gil
They make an osso bucco that's so divine I call it the "Veal Shank Redemption."
Kenny
Hey, guys.
Frasier
Hello, Kenny.
Kenny
Show's going great, Frasier, uh, only one thing missing, of course...
Frasier
I know, I know, a new theme song. I'm sorry, I just haven't gotten around to it yet.
Kenny
Well, Mrs. Delafield's been hounding me on this. She really thinks each show having a theme song will help hook the listeners. Gil's got his.
Gil
My first choice was "Food, Glorious Food" from the show Oliver!
Frasier
Ooh, that's a perfect match. Haute cuisine and a chorus of starving orphans.
Gil
But then, a composer friend of mine came up with this little ditty for me [He sings:] Whether choosing a wine Or the best place to dine-- It's all a matter of taste (Yes, sir!) It's all a matter of taste!
Kenny
Great, huh?
Gil
And the nicest thing is, he didn't take a penny for it!
Frasier
Well, at least he has a conscience.
Frasier
You know, Kenny, I'm sorry for procrastinating this thing. I-I tell you, I'll get one as soon as I possibly can.
Kenny
Well, you better come up with something here. I'm sorry to be a hard-ass. It's the part of my job I hate the most, but I need this thing on my desk by Monday...ish.
Frasier
You know, Roz - hearing Gil's little ditty puts me in mind that maybe we should just do - ah, an original song.
Roz
Well, my new boyfriend Leon is in a band. He could write one for you.
Frasier
Well, actually, I was thinking of composing it myself. I am not without musical ability, you know.
Roz
Could you at least hire Leon to accompany you?
Frasier
I take it he's desperate for work?
Roz
Hasn't had a gig in months. Music is all he knows. He's not good at anything else - except in bed. It's what he does best.
Frasier
Yeah. How long did it take you to find that out?
Roz
[about the show] Ten seconds, Frasier.
Frasier
Oh, longer than usual.
Niles
Frasier.
Frasier
Oh, Niles. Oh, dear. We had dinner plans tonight, didn't we?
Niles
Yes. Don't tell me you're canceling.
Frasier
Well, I have to. I have a little project this evening.
Niles
Oh. Would this have anything to do with this new theme song you promised your listeners?
Frasier
As a matter of fact, it does. I've got to have something by Monday, and I thought I'd take advantage of a nice quiet evening at home.
Frasier
Oh. Daphne - Daphne! Would you please turn off that vacuum cleaner?
Daphne
It's not a vacuum cleaner. It's the "Dirt Scourge 2000." A total cleansing system.
Martin
[from his chair] Is it new?
Daphne
Yeah. I got it this afternoon. You see, this water traps all of the dirt particles instead of recycling them back into the air. I got all that [indicating] from Dr. Crane's pillow.
Martin
Ew.
Niles
I've been begging you to switch to a more abrasive loofah.
Daphne
Well, it would be the same for anyone. Dead skin, dust mites... that's what we're all sleeping on, only we don't know it.
Martin
We do now. Geez.
Daphne
This is the chance I've been waiting for.
Frasier
Well. Apparently the "Dirt Scourge 2000" is no match for the "Dirt Pile 1957."
Daphne
Well, this is going back. On the commercial they clean all the mud off a hippopotamus.
Frasier
Well, at least now I can get down to work. You know, Niles, I'm sorry again about dinner, but can I buy you a sherry?
Niles
Oh... thank you. About this theme song of yours... why don't you just use a standard?
Frasier
Actually, I want to compose one myself. I've always had an affinity for music, and I've often wondered what I might achieve if I just rolled up my sleeves and gave it a try.
Martin
[re-entering] Didn't you write some kind of musical back in prep school?
Frasier
Yes, I did, Dad. Niles was in it. You know, the whole school came out humming my opening anthem.
Niles
They went in humming it. It was Beethoven's Ninth Symphony note for note.
Frasier
[over Niles] It was not.
Niles
It absolutely was.
Frasier
It was not at all.
Niles
[singing to the tune of the "Ode to Joy" theme from the finale of Beethoven's Ninth:] We are valiant men of honor Wenching, brawling sons of...
Frasier
All right, all right, well, I suppose I may have borrowed a Note or two as a launching pad.
Niles
[moving to the third, contrasting phrase of the Beethoven theme] Prancing, leaping, laughing...
Frasier
All right, point taken.
Niles
Over hill and...
Frasier
Stop it!
Niles
I'm just teasing. Actually, it was a wonderful show. I was very proud to be acting in it.
Frasier
You know, Niles, you were wonderful in it as well.
Niles
Well, thank you, I thought so.
Frasier
Mm-hmm.
Niles
I often thought if I'd kept at it, I could have been a professional actor.
Frasier
Ah, you see, we all have a road not taken, some unfinished business worth exploring.
Martin
Yeah, I always wanted to be a toe dancer, but a bullet ended my dream.
Niles
Well, Frasier, if you need any help with this, I'm right here.
Frasier
Thank you, Niles. You know, I'd rather handle the composing chores myself, but I could use a sounding board.
Niles
Fair enough, let's put our heads together.
Frasier
All right.
Niles
Figuratively speaking, of course. I saw what came out of your pillow.
Niles
You know, I think this new bridge is the best thing you've written.
Frasier
Really?
Niles
Oh, absolutely.
Niles
Claustrophobia Nymphomania He will probe ya He'll explain t'ya It's brilliant.
Frasier
You know, it does have a Cole Porter-y, Stephen Sondheim-y flavor, doesn't it?
Niles
Oh, absolutely. Sondheim-y would have killed to have written this.
Frasier
You know what? I'm a little nervous. It just may be a bit too conventional. Perhaps instead of a regular bridge, I could substitute it with a dramatic monologue spoken against a musical background.
Niles
[after a beat] I like it.
Frasier
Of course, I would have to hire an actor.
Niles
Yes, I suppose you could squander a lot of money on some so- Called professional... someone who doesn't know a thing about psychiatry. [reaching] Who doesn't understand the whole Gestalt.
Frasier
Or maybe you could do it.
Niles
I think so.
Frasier
I will write you a speech that will challenge your entire histrionic range! This is so exciting! Let's play the chorus again.
Martin
Hey, hey, Fras! I just got an idea for your little jingle. It came to me while I was brushing my teeth. [He sings:] What's new? I'm listenin' Feelin' blue? I'm listenin'... Cause, you know, that's what you say on your show. Feelin' sad, feelin' mad, feelin' glad, feelin' bad I'm listenin'!
Daphne
[who has been seated at the dining table] Bravo! That's wonderful.
Martin
Thanks, you know, it's catchy. That's what counts in a jingle.
Frasier
[politely] Uh-huh, well, that's very, very nice, Dad, it's just that, well, you know, I did promise my listeners that I'd compose this myself. It's no fair cheating.
Martin
Oh, well, it's not cheating, technically...
Frasier
[cutting him off] Very good, Dad, very good, but thank you, and off you go.
Martin
Okay, all right.
Niles
Hey, um, Frasier, are you sure you want to modulate here? That may just complicate things.
Frasier
Perhaps. You know, I'm just trying to make it interesting. To my ear, there's still something lacking, some tiny ingredient that's missing. I'm not sure what.
Frasier
[tapping his baton] All right, everyone. Let's try this again. We still have a few minutes before the choir gets here.
Frasier
Well, finally, the choir has deigned to join us.
Director
Sorry, our bus broke down. We had to walk two miles to get here.
Frasier
Ah, then I suppose we can dispense with the breathing exercises I was going to recommend. Please, if you would. [indicating the choir's risers behind the orchestra] Off you go.
Niles
Uh, Frasier... did you mean to cut paragraph five of my monologue?
Frasier
Gosh, I might have, Niles. I've just been so busy. What was the gist?
Niles
A lighthearted lampoon of mental health care abuse.
Frasier
Ah, yes, I did. I was afraid that some fussbudget might take offense at my jape about lobotomies.
Niles
Well, I suppose it's best to play it safe, although I did Like the way you indicated manic depression with a slide whistle.
Niles
Do we really have to use so many musicians?
Frasier
For the sound I want, yes.
Niles
Whatever happened to the concept of "less is more"?
Frasier
Ah, but if less is more, just think of how much more "more" will be.
Frasier
You may be seated.
Frasier
Ladies and gentlemen, if I may have your attention, please, I'd like to take a few minutes to explain my artistic vision.
Timpanist
Take as long as you want, we're all on the clock.
Frasier
Point well taken, moving right along...
Roz
Frasier...I'm sorry we're late. We got stuck in traffic. Some stupid bus broke down. This is Leon.
Frasier
Ah, hello, Leon.
Leon
Hey, Dr. Crane.
Frasier
[shaking his hand] Lovely to meet you. Listen, why don't you help yourself to the refreshment table there. I need to have a few words with Roz.
Frasier
Roz, we've got a problem! In scoring this, I had to eliminate the guitar part.
Roz
Well, put it back.
Frasier
Well, I can't. I'm afraid another instrument might make Things sound cluttered... unless, of course, Leon can play the bagpipe.
Roz
The bagpipe?
Frasier
Yes! Our show deals with a whole range of human emotion from euphoria to despair, and nothing says despair so quickly as the skirl of a bagpipe.
Roz
Nothing says "Turn off the radio" so quickly either. Isn't there something else he can play?
Frasier
Well, uh... yes, yes! Actually, our triangle player called in with a touch of tinnitus. Here we are.
Frasier
Leon, I have some good news for you. I had to eliminate the Guitar part, but I'm promoting you to first triangle.
Leon
Uh, I've never played one of these. It looks tricky.
Roz
I'll work with him.
Frasier
Yes, off you go.
Frasier
Well, then, now people, before we start, are there any questions?
Frasier
Yes, viola.
Tiffany
My name is Tiffany.
Frasier
No, no no. I'm calling you by your instrument name, so as to avoid confusion.
Tiffany
Oh, well I have a question about measure 34...
Frasier
Ah... I thought you might. Yes, you see, I've accelerated the tempo there in order to depict the yearning of the superego. Very perceptive of you to spot that.
Tiffany
No, I meant, are these eighth notes or what?
Frasier
[miffed] Yes... eighth notes. Anyone else?
Frasier
Yes, timpani?
Tiffany
You just answered my question.
Frasier
Not Tiffany, timpani.
Timpanist
What are we rehearsing this for? Are we going to record it?
Frasier
Yes, actually, we are waiting for the final go-ahead from my station manager, and then we will be recording it, yes. Anyone else?
Frasier
Yes... actor.
Niles
I'm just wondering how my monologue is going to be audible over all these instruments.
Frasier
Oh, that's a good point, Niles. [beat] You may be seated. [after Niles sits] It is imperative that everyone play [pianissimo] during the spoken portions - very, very softly. That applies particularly to brass and timpani.
Tiffany
Why me?
Frasier
[incredulous at her dimness] To the drums, Tiffany.
Frasier
Oh, Dad, Daphne, I'm so glad you came!
Daphne
Oh, well, after all, it is the world premiere of your theme song.
Frasier
Now, I don't have to search you two for any hidden recording devices, do I? The last thing I need is some bootleg CD's flooding the marketplace.
Martin
Boy, you really got everything here!
Frasier
Oh, it's not a time for stinting, Dad. I've got everything from the African rain stick to the Javanese tam-tam.
Martin
[at the refreshment table] Are the tam-tams the long ones with the cream in the middle?
Frasier
Oh, Kenny, Kenny! I'm so glad you made it. Listen, I think you're in for a bit of a surprise.
Kenny
Well, I gotta tell you, I don't surprise easily. [seeing the orchestra] Whoa!
Frasier
Our little ensemble. Heh-heh.
Kenny
So many musicians... all working on a weekend.
Frasier
Now, listen, I realize that we are a bit over budget, and I promise, I will pick up the difference myself.
Frasier
All right. The time has come to unveil my magnum opus. Just Let me do a little fine-tuning on the opening fanfare.
Frasier
Uh, brass, if you will please, in four, the first measure?
Frasier
Well, you see, that's fine as far as it goes, but this time I want you to do it with a bit more... grandeur. With some majesty and a soupcon of awe.
Frasier
There, you see. That's what good conducting can do.
Frasier
All right, everyone. The time we have been waiting for is at hand. And with a simple bow of thanks to the muse Calliope, let us begin. And...
Soloist 1
(tenor) Who can you turn to for prompt diagnosis?
Soloist 2
(soprano) A fetish or fantasy
Soloist 3
(bass) Sex or psychosis
Soloist 1
No problem at all, let us handle your call
Choir
(unison) On our show! On our show!
Soloist 2
Bring us your traumas, your latent neurosis
Soloist 1
Erectile disfunction (the "r" prominently rolled)
Soloist 3
Bed-wetting narcosis
Soloist 1
There's no need for shame, you can use a false name
Choir
(unison) On our show! On our show!
Niles
[rising] Who dares enter the dark labyrinth of the human mind?
Niles
What festering secrets are buried in the recesses of the subconscious?
Niles
Lurid images!
Niles
Lewd desires!
Niles
Guilty pleasures!
Niles
Strange compulsions!
Niles
The whole catalogue of human behavior from the aberrant to the monstrous lurks behind a locked door to which one man holds the key!
Soloist 1
(tenor) So if you are stymied to find a prognosis
Soloist 2
(soprano)And ask yourself, just like Freud:
Soloist 3
(bass) "Himmel, was los ist?"
Soloist 1
Stop scratching your head, let us cure it instead
Choir
(unison) On our show! On our show!
Choir
(single note)Now here is the man to explain The tortured terrain of your brain The man who feels everyone's pain... Dr. Crane! Dr. Crane! Frasier Crane!!
Roz
[the only person applauding] Way to go, Leon!
Frasier
Well, Kenny. What's your reaction?
Kenny
[hushed] Wow.
Frasier
Takes your breath away, doesn't it?
Kenny
[again] Wow.
Frasier
I thought as much, and in anticipation of your approval, I had the forethought to order in a little bubbly. Niles, if you would help me, please?
Frasier
[to Niles] Oh, you were wonderful!
Niles
Thank you, the trombone frightened me.
Kenny
[again, the same] Wow.
Martin
Well that was sure something, wasn't it?
Daphne
I'll say. Sort of like Gilbert and Sullivan — only frightening.
Kenny
A little jingle, that's all we wanted. Yeah, ten seconds to start the show.
Roz
[trying to mediate] Well, maybe Frasier can cut this down...
Kenny
[cutting her off] He gives me harps and drums and... people speaking German. All we wanted was a simple little jingle.
Daphne
Probably more like the one you came up with. Tell him yours, Mr. Crane.
Martin
No, no, no, it was nothing. I can't even remember how it goes.
Daphne
Well, I do. [singing:] How are you? I'm listen...
Martin
No, it doesn't go like that.
Kenny
Well, then you sing it, Mr. Crane.
Martin
Well, all right... but it's really nothing.
Martin
What's new? I'm listenin' Feelin' blue? I'm listenin'... Feelin' sad, feelin' mad, feelin' bad, feelin' glad I'm listenin'!
Kenny
That's exactly the kind of thing we're looking for!
Kenny
You know, it sets the mood, it - it says it all. Did that just pop into your head?
Frasier
[coming up behind him and handing him a glass] Hardly. It was gut-wrenching, but you know, it's nice to know that I made it look easy.
Kenny
No, no, no. I'm talking about your dad's little jingle.
Frasier
[taken aback] Dad's?
Kenny
Yeah, he just sang it. It's exactly the type of thing we need. You know, simple, catchy...you know, we ought to just use that one.
Frasier
No, no, Kenny, no. I mean, if simple is what you wanted, you should have just said so.
Kenny
I thought I did.
Frasier
Well, obviously not. Now that I know what you want, well, there's nothing easier. Of course I can write simple. I promise you, it'll be something far more memorable than what my dad came up with.
Kenny
Well, I don't know, I remember it...sings What's new? I'm listenin'
Choir
Feelin' blue? I'm listenin'... Feelin' sad, feelin' mad, feelin' bad, feelin' glad I'm listenin'!
Frasier
[indignant and humiliated] You're off the clock!
Martin
Hey, Fras. How's it goin'?
Frasier
"Merrily, merrily."
Martin
Well, you know, it's getting kind of late. Maybe you should call it a night, huh?
Frasier
Dad, you heard Kenny. I have to come up with something as simple as yours by Monday. By the way, thanks once again for completely upstaging me today.
Martin
Oh, come on, I'm sorry I stole your thunder, but it's not like I did it on purpose.
Frasier
I know. I know. I'm sorry. It's just... I don't know why I'm having such a hard time with this.
Martin
Well... maybe you're just thinking too much. I mean, look at me. I go to the bathroom, I'm flossing my teeth, and that song pops into my head.
Frasier
Are you suggesting that I bring out a spool of floss?
Martin
Well, it might not be a bad idea, for a couple of reasons.
Martin
Frasier, why don't you just decide what you want to say and Say it? Not a lot of big words and showing off. You know, and the tune should be something simple - something you can whistle. I tried whistling that thing you wrote today, and I got lightheaded. Of course, it might have been that last doughnut. I went back for one of those African rainsticks. Ooh...
Frasier
The truth is, Dad, I've... I'm not sure I can do simple.
Martin
Well, I don't know if you can't or if you just don't want to. And you know, some of the best things in the world are simple, Fras. Just like that art gallery you took me to a couple of months ago. Do you remember? You were oohing and ahhing at this painting of a big red dot.
Frasier
Yeah, Dad, but there is a difference between simple and deceptively simple.
Martin
Well, all I'm saying is that it's fine to be smart, but you shouldn't have to be proving it all the time, that's all. You know, just as an experiment, tell me what it is you're trying to say stripped down to nuts and bolts.
Frasier
All right, um... in my first stanza, I want to represent myself as the... ombudsman between the conscious and subconscious minds of my listeners.
Martin
Ah. Well, there you are, that's the song right there. All we need is a rhyme for "ombudsman" and we can go to bed.
Frasier
Well, I was playing around with "north woodsman."
Martin
Oh, Frasier. Look, I'm going to tell you what your show's about: People have a problem, they're feeling low, they call you, you make them feel better.
Frasier
Oh, for God's sake, Dad.
Martin
Well, that's it! That's it. Why don't you just write about that?
Frasier
How would that sound exactly? [He recites:] If you've got a problem If you're feelin' low Lookin' for some answers... Oh, gosh, now I'm stuck. How will I ever find a rhyme for "low"?
Martin
Okay, smart-aleck. I was just trying to help.
Frasier
Well, thanks, Dad. I'm sorry, you know, it's just not my thing.
Martin
Okay, well, I'm going to bed. So, if you need any help tomorrow, all you got to do is ask.
Frasier
Thanks, Dad.
Frasier
If you've got a problem... If you're feelin' low Lookin' for some answers...
Martin
[completing the verse rhyme and tune from offstage:] Things you need to know
Vocalists
If you've got a problem If you're feelin' low Lookin' for some answers Things you need to know, All you've got to do is ask (tempo slows) All you've got to do is ask.