Big Crane On Campus
Aired 3rd February 2000 · Written by Mark Reisman · Directed by Sheldon Epps
Roz
Frasier, thank God you're here.
Frasier
Why, what's wrong, Roz?
Roz
My book club meets tonight and I haven't read the book.
Frasier
Oh my, that is a literary 911! Wait, you joined a book club?
Roz
Why is that so hard to believe? I like to read.
Frasier
What's his name?
Roz
[giving in:] Jason.
Frasier
A-ha.
Roz
We met at a book store and he asked me to join his club. He's separated, but I think it's for keeps. He was buying "Divorce for Dummies."
Frasier
Sounds like a real catch, Roz.
Roz
Anyway, I was supposed to read "The Great Gatsby" last night but I couldn't get Alice to sleep. So could you give me a quick summary? [takes out book and notes:]
Frasier
Well, all right, er, it was a time known as the Jazz Age. Wall Street was booming, bootleg hooch was flowing and the young people were doing a new dance called the Charleston.
Roz
Where were you when I was trying to get Alice to sleep, could you just get to it already?
Frasier
Oh, all right, fine. [notices a blond woman who has just entered] Lorna Lenley!
Roz
Okay, who's she? Gatsby's girlfriend?
Frasier
The woman who just walked in. She was the great beauty of my high school. She had brains, looks, style and the way she filled out a mohair sweater - well, suffice it to say it was snugger on her than on the goat!
Roz
Why don't you go over and say hello?
Frasier
Oh God, Roz, she wouldn't even remember me. She was with the in-crowd. The only people that knew me debated, recited or were on a six-month visit from Abu Dhabi! [nervous:] God, she's coming over, she's coming over, she's coming over!
Lorna
[arrives] Excuse me, didn't we go to high school together?
Frasier
Did we?
Lorna
Yes, I thought you looked familiar. You're Frasier, aren't you?
Frasier
Well, that's right. [laughs] All right, let me guess, em, Lisa?
Lorna
Lorna.
Frasier
Oh yes, of course. Hello. Roz, I'd like you to meet Lorna Ann Lenley. [Lorna looks surprised] Anywhere close?
Lorna
Very good! Although it's Gardner now, but I'm going back to Lenley, I was recently divorced.
Frasier
Oh gosh, I'm sorry to hear that. Er, Roz our chatting isn't bothering your reading is it?
Roz
Oh no, actually I... [off his glare:] Oh right, off I go! [goes to get her coffee]
Frasier
So, er, I'm divorced myself actually.
Lorna
Yes, I know, I listen to your show.
Frasier
Really?
Lorna
Well, I sell Real Estate, so I'm in my car all the time. So whenever I can, I turn you on.
Frasier
Oh, my. [laughs]
Lorna
Excuse me, I'll have to get that.
Frasier
No problemo. [goes to Roz's table] Roz, she's just as lovely as ever.
Roz
So, are you going to ask her out?
Frasier
Oh right, Legs Lenley and Crane the Brain - in my dreams!
Roz
Frasier, you act like you're still some dorky teenager; you're a charming, successful man.
Frasier
Thank you, Roz.
Roz
[mimicking] No problemo.
Lorna
[comes over] Excuse me, I have to go show a house. Frasier, it was really nice to see you again.
Frasier
Oh, likewise. Er, Lorna, listen, I realise that this is out of the blue and you're very busy but I was wondering if you might like to...
Lorna
Yes?
Frasier
...appraise my apartment. You see, I've decided to sell it.
Lorna
Sure, I'd be happy to. In fact I'm free tonight.
Frasier
Really? Well, how's seven 'o clock? I live at the Elliot Bay Towers.
Lorna
Oh, wow! What a great building!
Frasier
Yes, well.
Lorna
You've certainly done well for yourself.
Frasier
Yes, well, I think you'll find we've both come a long way since high school. You know, here, let me carry those for you.
Frasier
Dad! She'll be here any minute.
Martin
Okay, I'm leaving.
Frasier
Listen, I'm sorry to uproot you like this.
Martin
Oh, it's all right. I'd rather clear the decks for a date than for one of your theme parties. Although I am kinda sorry I missed "An Evening With Moe Howard."
Frasier
That was Noel Coward!
Frasier
Oh, Niles, what are you doing here?
Niles
Well, I've got a crisis. Tomorrow's Mel's birthday and I'm planning a very romantic evening but my Gagino is on the fritz.
Martin
Oh jeez, I don't need to hear this!
Frasier
Dad! It's a stove!
Martin
I know; six burners and a griddle, don't you guys ever talk about cars? [exits]
Niles
Frasier, I'm desperate, can I possibly use your kitchen tomorrow to prepare the meal?
Frasier
Yes, of course, Niles. But listen, now you've got to go, I have a date.
Niles
Oh! Anyone I know?
Frasier
Well, as a matter of fact, yes: Lorna Lenley.
Niles
Oooh! [then:] No, really, who?
Frasier
It's true, I bumped into her today at the Café.
Niles
Lorna Lenley?! You, sir, have moxy! Why, even with all my vested authority as hall monitor I could never muster the courage to ask to see her bathroom pass. And you asked her out! Whoa! I bow down before you, I doff my cap to you.
Frasier
Well, actually it's not really a date.
Niles
I knew it!
Frasier
You see, she's coming over to appraise the apartment. She's in Real Estate and I tried to ask her out and I choked. I did get the impression that she was interested in me, though.
Niles
Well of course she is. Oh and the coach called, you're starting the big game on Sunday.
Frasier
All right, Niles, off you go.
Frasier
She's here. You've got one quick "hello" and then you're gone, mister. [opens door to Lorna]
Lorna
Hello, Frasier.
Frasier
Lorna, good to see you again. Perhaps you remember my brother, Niles.
Lorna
Yes, hello Niles.
Frasier
Well, now that you two have had a chance to catch up, I'll see you later.
Lorna
Nice to see you again, Niles.
Lorna
Oh, Frasier, wow! What a great apartment!
Frasier
Thank you.
Lorna
Why are you selling it?
Frasier
Oh, I don't want to bore you with the details, it's a very long, very complicated story.
Lorna
Well, I'd love to hear it.
Frasier
Er, well, I need more closet space. Could I interest you in some wine?
Lorna
Oh, I would love some.
Lorna
Do you remember Chip Clayton's graduation party? Remember when we broke into his father's liquor cabinet and we made sangria out of a hundred dollar bottle of wine?
Frasier
[laughs at the memory then:] No.
Lorna
You know, I should make some notes on your apartment. [she begins to]
Frasier
[v.o:] What are you doing? Tell her why you really asked her over and drop this ridiculous charade. You're not sixteen years old any longer.
Lorna
Frasier, I'd love to see your bedroom.
Frasier
Of course. [v.o:] Lorna Lenley wants to see my bedroom!
Lorna
Oh, Frasier, wow, another great room.
Frasier
Thank you.
Lorna
Is this bed Scandinavian? [sits on the bed]
Frasier
You have a good eye. [v.o:] Lorna Lenley's on my bed! Stop acting like an adolescent!
Lorna
Frasier, are you all right?
Frasier
No, no, actually Lorna, I'm not all right. You see, when I saw you this afternoon I immediately flashed back to the hopeless crush I had on you in high school. Of course it didn't help matters much that you've hardly changed a bit and I wanted to ask you out and I lost my nerve.
Lorna
You mean all of this was just a ruse to get me up here?
Frasier
I'm afraid so. So, now that I've sufficiently embarrassed myself, I'll show you out.
Lorna
[walks to him] You know, Frasier, I have to say I'm really very flattered.
Frasier
Really?
Lorna
Yes. You know, it's not too late to ask me out.
Frasier
Would you like to have dinner with me this evening?
Lorna
I'd love to.
Frasier
Wonderful.
Frasier
[ecstatic v.o:] I'm going out with Lorna Lenley! 2 GOOD 2 BE 4 GOTTEN
Lorna
Hi.
Frasier
Hi.
Lorna
I had a wonderful time last night.
Frasier
Me too. It's like being back in high school, but with sex.
Lorna
[laughs and kisses him] I don't want this to end.
Frasier
I must warn you, now that I've learned to finally ask you out, I'll be doing a lot more of it. Are you free this evening? You see, there I go already. How about tomorrow night? Somebody stop me. [laughs]
Lorna
Not me! [laughs and kisses him] I wonder what time it is?
Frasier
Hm, well, [looks at clock] ten 'o clock.
Lorna
[shouting and sitting up] Oh crap, I'm late!
Frasier
Is there something I can do?
Lorna
Oh, yeah, make this lousy hangover go away. Where the hell are those aspirins. [empties content of handbag on bed]
Frasier
You know, perhaps I should get you a glass of water for those. Would you prefer sparkling or still?
Frasier
Or not, I see you're fine.
Lorna
Oh, I'm sorry, did you want to finish this?
Frasier
No, no, you're the guest.
Lorna
[into phone:] Yeah, it's me, I'm running late. Move my ten- thirty to eleven thirty. [shouts:] Just move it to eleven thirty! [starts to smoke]
Frasier
I didn't realise you smoked?
Lorna
Oh, I'm always trying to quit but my weight just balloons up. trust me, you don't want to see my ass when I'm off these things!
Frasier
You know, I hate to be a fusspot but I'd prefer...
Lorna
[into phone:] Yeah? Well, who let the dog in? Put your brother on! [shouts:] Put your brother on! Put your brother on! [to Frasier:] Would you be a sweetie and make me some coffee?
Frasier
[intimidated:] Okay.
Lorna
[into phone:] You know that mess better be cleaned up by the time I get home. Both of you! Put your brother on! Put your brother on! [shouts:] Put your brother on the phone!
Lorna
[to Frasier:] Oh, this is nice.
Martin
I still don't understand why you have to do all the cooking. Why don't you just take Mel out for a nice meal?
Niles
Well, because through cooking I can truly express my feelings for her. You know, the French have a saying...
Martin
Okay, okay, I was just making conversation until we got home.
Frasier
Hi, dad. Hello, Niles.
Niles
I could really use some help preparing this dish today, if you're not busy.
Frasier
Oh gosh, Niles, I've got a lot errands to run. You know, why don't you ask Daphne?
Niles
[after a pause] Ah, all right. Oh, oh, oh, how did things go with Lorna? Did you summon up the courage to ask her out?
Frasier
Well, actually...
Niles
Oh come on, Frasier, seize the moment. Faint heart never won fair lady. You know, the French have a saying...
Lorna
Hi, Niles.
Lorna
Come here. I have some really great news. [lights a cigarette]
Frasier
Really? Do tell.
Lorna
Well, I called my office, and after my eleven-thirty I'm free for the rest of the day.
Frasier
Oh well, what are you planning on doing?
Lorna
Being with you, silly. [kisses him]
Woman
Excuse me.
Lorna
[shouts] I'm coming! [then:] You know, you are the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. [kisses him and the gets into the lift before kissing him again, she finally gets in:] I'm in, you happy?! [the doors close]
Niles
Whisk. [she hands it to him, he whisks] Spoon. [she hands it to him, he stirs] Cheesecloth. [she wipes his brow as he tastes before the oven pings] Perfect timing. Daphne, open the oven. [she does as he places it into the oven] Ready.
Daphne
Shall I close, Dr. Crane?
Niles
Please. [she does]
Daphne
Do you think it'll be all right?
Niles
It's out of our hands now, Daphne.
Niles
Thank you for your help.
Daphne
Oh, my pleasure. I haven't had this much fun in the kitchen since your brother caught his tie in the pasta machine. [laughs]
Niles
[laughs] Oh, and the real fun's just beginning - clean-up.
Daphne
Oh, you silly sod, here, run it under some cold water, I'll fetch the aloe cream. [he runs his fingers under the water] Come here. [begins to rub the cream in] This'll help.
Niles
I can't believe I just did that.
Daphne
Oh, I do that sort of thing all the time. You must be careful, those pan handles get awfully hot.
Niles
Oh well, not anymore, it's got a protective coating of skin on it.
Daphne
Just give it a minute to absorb.
Niles
That'll be fine. [she carries on] I'm feeling better already.
Niles
Thanks, Daphne.
Martin
Hey, what's up?
Daphne
[nervous] Nothing. Why should anything be up? Dr. Crane burnt his hand and I was tending to it, that's all. Oh my, look at the time, I've got to run. [she picks up the clock and then runs out]
Martin
Burnt, huh? Well, you might want to keep something cold on that. [gets a beer from fridge] Here, you can hold my beer for me while I watch the game.
Niles
Hello, Frasier.
Frasier
Hello, Niles. How are you?
Niles
Fine. Although the oddest thing just happened.
Frasier
Oh, that man on the corner's name is Pete. If you give him a dollar his monkey won't make those rude gestures.
Niles
No, this is about Daphne. I burned my hand while I was cooking and she began putting first aid cream on it and in a very tender way and then, em, dad came in and she jumped as if she felt guilty. Is it possible Daphne has feelings for me?
Frasier
[quickly] No.
Niles
Ah well, as long as you've considered it from all angles!
Frasier
If she was tender it was because you burnt your hand, if she jumped it was because dad startled her. Come on, Niles, can't you see what's really going on here?
Niles
Well, obviously I haven't a clue. I thought that man's monkey was waving hello.
Frasier
Your relationship with Mel is growing deeper. Isn't it possible that your fear of commitment is driving your mind to throw up these imaginary road blocks?
Niles
You think so?
Frasier
Well, you do have a history with this. Remember the day after you proposed to Maris? You went that evening to the opera, you were convinced that Leontyne Price was winking at you the whole night.
Niles
I suppose there could be commitment issues here. Cooking a meal for one's mate is a big first step.
Frasier
Yes, especially for you. I mean Maris never let you cook for her.
Niles
That's true, the closest I ever got was re-stocking the pills in her bedside Lazy Susan.
Roz
Hey, guys.
Niles
Oh hey, Roz. Frasier, thank you. It's a big help. [exits]
Frasier
My pleasure, Niles.
Roz
Bye. [sits]
Frasier
Oh, Roz, I see the book club has moved on to "Wuthering Heights." Well...
Roz
Oh, please tell me they made a movie out of this.
Frasier
Twice.
Roz
Amen! [bags the book] So how did your date with Lorna go? Did you get up enough nerve to ask her to dinner?
Frasier
To dinner and breakfast! We spent the night together.
Roz
Whoa! You went to bed with the prom queen?
Frasier
Yes, I woke up with "Carrie!" She smokes, she screams, she's uncouth, and I'm actually meeting her here to break it off.
Roz
So soon?
Frasier
Well...
Roz
With the way your love life's been going, you may want to squeeze a couple more dates out of it. You know, nuts for the winter!
Frasier
Please, Roz, I could never do that sort of thing. Whenever I know that I have no future with a woman, I end it, right then and there. Especially a woman like Lorna, recently divorced and vulnerable...
Roz
You always take the high road.
Frasier
Well, you know, I like to think so. You know, if there's one thing I've learned, my old high school wounds are not going to be healed by sleeping with the prom queen.
Roz
Tell me about it: prom queen, assistant principal. You can't go home again!
Roz
Good luck. [exits]
Lorna
[sits] How are you doing, babycakes? [kisses him, breathing her cigarette breath into him]
Frasier
[sarcastic:] Thank you. Now, listen, Lorna about tomorrow night, em...
Lorna
Oh, I'm sorry, I know we have plans but I completely forgot. It's the retirement dinner for Coach Palet.
Frasier
Who?
Lorna
Our high school football coach. I'd love it if you'd go with me.
Frasier
Well, I have to be honest with you here...
Lorna
Oh, come on, it'll be fun. The old gang'll be there.
Frasier
The old gang, you say. You mean like Chip Clayton and Lad Lunkquist.
Lorna
Yeah, the whole crowd. Imagine the looks on their faces when they see us walk in together.
Frasier
Yes, imagine.
Lorna
Oh, come on, say you'll be my date.
Frasier
Well, I wouldn't want to let down the coach.
Lorna
[shouts back] Yeah, a spoon'd be nice!
Lorna
Oh, everyone's inside already, we're a little late.
Frasier
I guess we'll just have to make a grand entrance, after you.
Lorna
I just have to check my makeup.
Frasier
Well, why tamper with perfection?
Lorna
Oh, aren't you sweet?
Frasier
Shall we?
Lorna
Hello? [shouts] What now? What? What? [hits phone then to Frasier:] My phone's playing up, I'm sorry, just two seconds, sweetie.
Lorna
[arrives back shouting into phone:] No, you can't have a party! Because I said so. Put your brother on! Put your brother on! Put your brother on- [aside to Frasier:] just a second, sweetie- [to phone:] -the phone! You know, do what you want, I'm on a date! [hangs up]
Frasier
Are you ready?
Lorna
Ooop, you know what, this hook keeps coming undone. [Frasier fastens the back of her dress]
Frasier
You know, I just took a look inside there. Everybody's here, even old Mr. "Most-Likely-To-Succeed," Chip Clayton.
Lorna
Chip Clayton's a moron!
Frasier
Well, you used to be rather fond of him back in school.
Lorna
Well, everybody's changed since high school. Except you. Truly, you're still the same sweet, decent guy you always were.
Frasier
Thank you. [thinks]
Lorna
No I mean it, believe me, I've been with enough jerks and users to know the difference. Let's go.
Frasier
Lorna, I can't go in there with you.
Lorna
Why not?
Frasier
Well, because I came here for the wrong reasons: so all the cool kids would see me with school's most popular girl and I let you believe that we had hopes for some sort of a future when I know in my heart that there is none. Well, if you walk in there with me it would be as my trophy and I just can't do that to you, I'm so sorry.
Lorna
You expect me to walk into a room full of my ex-classmates by myself? Like some pathetic divorcée who couldn't scare up a date for some old jock sendoff? I don't think so!
Frasier
Lorna...
Lorna
You know, I thought you'd be a nice rebound fling, get my feet wet dating again. You don't want that, that's fine. But I'll tell you what we are going to do: You're going to take my arm, you're going to escort me in that room, we're going to dance, make out like freshmen and leave with your hand on my ass, you got it?
Frasier
Shall we?