Out With Dad
Aired 10th February 2000 · Written by Joe Keenan · Directed by David Lee
Roz
Hey, Martin. Happy Valentine's Day.
Martin
Oh thanks, Roz. So you're with us tonight, huh?
Roz
Yeah, we rented a couple of sad chick movies.
Martin
Oh, it's not like you not to have a date on Valentine's Day.
Roz
Tell me, I usually try for a second seating! [Martin laughs]
Daphne
And you'd think that being engaged, I'd have a guaranteed date. But no! Donny had to go to Florida, his grandmother. She'd do anything to come between us.
Martin
Oh, what did she do this time?
Daphne
She died.
Frasier
Good Lord, where is Niles? I don't want to be late for the opera.
Roz
Are you going out with Niles on Valentine's Day?
Frasier
Well, it's a subscription series, you see. We got these tickets months ago, we had no idea what day this fell on.
Daphne
[hopeful] So Dr. Crane's not spending tonight with Mel?
Frasier
No, she's going out of town, some sort of medical conference. [doorbell sounds] You know, actually I'm sorry for Niles, but I'm rather glad to be having an old-fashioned boy's night out.
Niles
[into phone] I can't wait either, I'll see you in twenty minutes, Valentine. [kisses into phone and hangs up]
Frasier
That had better be the seat duster in our opera box!
Niles
No, it was Mel. At the last minute she decided to skip her conference.
Frasier
So, I'll be going to the opera by myself?
Niles
Oh, well here's a thought. If you give Mel your opera ticket then you won't have to be alone. You can stay here and watch fun movies with Roz and Daphne. [looks at titles] Ooh, "Dying Young" - it's a... classic.
Frasier
I am surprised by your gall! At the last moment you not only bail on me, you expect me to give up my own ticket!
Niles
Please, Frasier, put yourself in my shoes. I have to do something for Mel. Every restaurant in town's been booked for weeks. I ran into Archie Wilfong today. He told me he had to settle for two seats at the counter at "The Salad Experience!" What would you suggest I do?
Frasier
Bring your own wine and order the Spicy Caesar!
Niles
[stalks to the door] May your opera box be full of cellophane crinklers and the stage swarming with standbys.
Frasier
Get out!
Frasier
He goes too far!
Roz
[sarcastic] Yeah, some nerve - ditching you to spend Valentine's Day with his girlfriend.
Martin
Look, Fras, I don't blame you for being a little jealous cause he's got someone and you don't...
Frasier
I am not jealous, Dad, I'm simply appalled by his rudeness. I was looking forward to this evening. [pouring himself a sherry] Nice drink, lovely opera. Then a late supper, perhaps a beautiful bottle of wine, delightful desert soufflé... Oh God, I need a woman.
Daphne
Remember my friend Rowena? She's much prettier since her surgery! You look at her face and you can't even tell where it used to be.
Frasier
Thank you, Daphne. But actually, I already have someone in mind. You see, there's a stunning woman who comes to the opera on the same nights we do. She has the box right across from ours. We've flirted a bit from a distance. I have laughed with her during "Figaro," cried with her during "Tosca," I even had a dream about her during "Einstein On The Beach."
Roz
Well, don't just stare at her, make a move!
Frasier
I will, Roz. Tonight's the night. By the finalé I will have made my overture. Dad, would you please come with me?
Martin
To the opera? What do you need me for?
Frasier
Dad, I can't go with a woman because then she'll think I'm on a date, and if I go alone she'll think I couldn't get a date.
Roz
He would look pretty pathetic.
Martin
Oh, geez!
Daphne
Or you could stay home with us and watch sad movies.
Frasier
[reads a title] "Sophie's Choice."
Martin
I'll say it is!
Martin
Is she here yet?
Frasier
No, not yet. That's her box over there, the empty one.
Martin
Well, I'm not going to sit through a whole opera for some woman who's not even here.
Frasier
Oh, for God's sake, Dad, give it a chance. You might actually learn to like it if you'd listen to one.
Martin
Hey, your mother dragged to me a lot of these things when we were dating and they were all stupid. These stories make no sense whatsoever.
Frasier
Oh, that is not true!
Martin
Oh, all right, what's this one about?
Frasier
Well, it's about Rigoletto, the hunchbacked jester in the court of the Duke. He has a daughter, Gilda, who's secretly living with him. But everyone thinks that she's his mistress. In this opening scene, Rigoletto mocks the Duke's enemy, who puts a curse on him.
Martin
A cursed hunchback dating his daughter - well, nothing screwy so far!
Frasier
He is not dating his daughter! Gilda is being courted by the Duke, who is disguised as a humble student.
Martin
You see, that's what I mean. The whole thing's so unrealistic. Everybody's in love, pretending to be somebody they're not. And they're all swooning and gasping-
Martin
Exactly, who acts that way?
Frasier
Dad, she's here! She's here, and she's not on a date. That must be her mother.
Martin
[looks and gasps] Wow, you're right, she is a looker all right.
Frasier
All right, don't gawk, don't gawk, she'll notice.
Martin
Well, I thought that was the point. You've got to get her attention.
Frasier
No, Dad, please, don't wave! Just keep your eye on the stage.
Martin
All right, but I bet you that gets results.
Frasier
[looks] You're right, Dad, it did.
Martin
[looks and gasps in horror; through a clenched jaw] Oh God, I wasn't waving at her, I was waving at the daughter!
Frasier
That's not what the mother seems to think. [laughs] I think she likes you, wave back.
Martin
No, I don't want to.
Frasier
Wave back! You started it, wave back to her.
Martin
Oh, geez! [reluctantly waves back]
Martin
Hunchback's got kind of a nice voice, but the daughter's kinda screechy!
Frasier
Yes, well, she's no Renata Tebaldi. Gosh, I don't see them, do you?
Martin
Oh, I bet you the old one's in the ladies room putting on more war paint!
Frasier
Here they are. Just try to be nice, Dad! If you are rude to the mother you will ruin my chances with the daughter! [they come over] Well, we finally meet.
Emily
I feel like we're practically old friends.
Helen
I'm Helen Browning, this is my daughter, Emily.
Frasier
I'm Frasier Crane, this is my father, Martin.
Frasier
Well, can we get you some champagne?
Emily
Oh, we'd love it, thanks.
Martin
Oh well, let me give you a hand.
Frasier
No, no, you know what, Dad, we can manage. Er, why don't you two stay and have a nice little chat?
Helen
Lovely production, isn't it? I adore Verdi.
Martin
Oh, he's my favorite.
Helen
Though the woman singing Gilda's a bit off.
Martin
She's no Renata Tebaldi.
Helen
You know, if you like Verdi so much, I happen to have a spare ticket to "Aida" next week.
Martin
Oh, that sounds great, but, er, if it's a week from tonight, I'm busy, I'm sorry.
Helen
Actually, it's next Thursday.
Martin
Oh, Thursday? Oh, you know there's this thing at my... at my wine club.
Helen
That's all right, Martin, we just met, I shouldn't have asked.
Martin
No, no, no, Helen, it's got nothing to do with you, it's me. I'm afraid I've given you the wrong impression of myself. You see, the truth is, I'm... [thinks]
Helen
Gay.
Martin
Uh, right, gay.
Helen
I thought you might be. How many straight men remember Renata Tebaldi?
Martin
[looks over at Frasier] Not many! [laughs]
Helen
Well, I'm sorry if I was too forward, it's just that sometimes it's so hard to meet nice men.
Martin
Tell me! [laughs]
Frasier
Here we are, Dad. Actually, good news, Emily has agreed to join me for a night cap after the opera. Cast her eye over my African art collection.
Frasier
Oh, well...
Helen
Very nice meeting you.
Martin
Nice meeting you, too.
Frasier
[to Emily] I'll see you later.
Frasier
So how did it go with Helen? You didn't offend her, did you?
Martin
No, not at all. It turns out I'm not her type.
Emily
Well?
Helen
Opera Queen.
Emily
Oh, sorry.
Helen
Still, you know who he'd be perfect for?
Emily
[excited] Yes! You know, he's here tonight! I'll bring him.
Frasier
Right, Dad, we better hurry up. Don't want to miss the second act.
Martin
Oh, who cares? It'll be just more goofy stuff that never happens in real life.
Daphne
How was the opera?
Frasier
Lovely. Get out! [turns television off]
Roz
Hey, that movie's not over.
Frasier
Too bad, Roz. There's a stunning woman on her way over here, I don't want her thinking I'm running some sort of maudlin sorority house. Now, come on, shake a leg.
Roz
[stands] You actually spoke to her, you didn't wimp out?
Frasier
You have never seen me so suave.
Roz
[goes to door] Some Valentine's Day! First my date bails on me and now I owe Daphne fifty bucks!
Martin
[to his beer] Well, hello there. Will you be my "Ballantine"?
Frasier
Dad, will you go get a glass, please?
Martin
Oh, all right. [exits to kitchen]
Frasier
[doorbell sounds] And drink it quickly. The last thing I need tonight is some third wheel cramping my style.
Edward
Hello! [laughs]
Frasier
Hello.
Emily
I hope you don't mind. Edward here was at the opera too, he's my partner.
Frasier
[miffed] Your partner?
Edward
At the gallery. I'm also her uncle.
Frasier
Oh, [laughs] when you said partner, I thought you meant romantic partner.
Edward
[horse laughs] Hardly!
Frasier
I'm Frasier.
Edward
[enters] Pleasure. What a marvelous view! [goes upstage] May I?
Frasier
Yes, please.
Emily
Your father, is he dating anyone at the moment?
Frasier
Well, no, but if you're thinking about your mother, I'm afraid they're not really right for each other.
Emily
[laughs] Yes, I know. I meant Edward.
Frasier
[surprised] Your uncle?
Emily
Yes.
Frasier
...and my father?
Emily
They're both single, they love opera and they were both married with kids when they came out of the closet. Your dad told my mother all about it.
Frasier
Oh, did he?
Emily
Well, she asked him out and he had to be honest with her.
Martin
Hi, there.
Frasier
Yes, nothing like a little honesty to diffuse an awkward situation.
Martin
Hi there, how are you?
Frasier
[taking Emily's coat] Let me take your coat. Dad, this is Edward, Emily's uncle, he's her partner in her art gallery. Er, Edward, this is my father, Martin.
Edward
[shaking hands] Pleased to meet you, Martin.
Martin
Same here, and my friends call me Marty.
Edward
Then Marty it is! I love what you've done with this place, it's the perfect blend of sleek elegance and [pointedly at chair] audacious whimsy!
Martin
Oh, you like it, huh? Do you know, Edward's my favorite name.
Edward
Really?
Martin
Yes, I even called my dog Eddie. [calls] Eddie! [Eddie rushes in] Here he is.
Emily
Oh, a Jack Russell! He loves Jack Russells.
Edward
I have three of them. [to Eddie] All girls.
Martin
Oh, well, we ought to get them together. Who knows, maybe a little romance'll bloom. [Edward reacts]
Frasier
You know, Dad, maybe we should go fetch our new friends some drinks.
Emily
I'd love some white wine.
Martin
How about you, Ed?
Edward
Why not a beer?
Martin
Oh, a man after my own heart.
Frasier
Boy, you are really something!
Martin
What?
Frasier
You actually told Emily's mother that you were gay.
Martin
Well, you said not to offend her, I thought that was a pretty good way to get her to cool her jets without hurting her feelings.
Frasier
Dad, there's something you don't understand. You see, she told Emily.
Martin
She got a problem with it?
Frasier
Oh no, she's pretty okay with it.
Martin
Oh, I get it, you're worried she'll know I'm straight, find out I've been lying to her mother.
Frasier
Dad...
Martin
Well, don't worry about it, I'll gay it up a little.
Martin
Emily, have I told you I love your hair.
Emily
Thank you, Martin.
Martin
It's di-vine. [sits on couch next to Edward]
Emily
[looks at knickknacks] Frasier, these pieces are wonderful, you've exquisite taste!
Martin
Oh, he gets that from me. Yes, it was worth all the hours I dragged him around to the museums and the antiques shops teaching him about art and, you know... upholstery.
Edward
Were you in the arts?
Martin
Oh, well, actually, Ed-
Frasier
Dad was a cop.
Edward
Really? [nudges him] The, er, uniform and everything? [laughs]
Martin
Yeah, in fact, er, that's what happened to my hip. I took a bullet trying to break up a robbery. Yeah, I called for back-up but it never showed up.
Emily
[sighs in sympathy] Because you were gay.
Martin
[takes her hand] Don't think I didn't wonder about that!
Martin
Yes, that was the day I came out. Lying in that alley, covered with blood, bullet in my hip and I said, "That's it! I'm gay, I like myself and I'm not living a lie anymore."
Edward
I had exactly the same experience when I came out.
Edward
Not, exactly, perhaps. Yours was a bullet in the hip. For me, it was a Lufthansa steward named Gunther.
Emily
[holds Frasier's hand] What did I tell you? I knew they'd hit it off.
Frasier
[laughs] Yes, I had a feeling myself.
Martin
And you didn't say a word, you scamp! Er, Frasier, why don't you come help me get some snacks for everybody?
Frasier
All right, if you'll excuse us.
Martin
You didn't tell me this was a set-up!
Frasier
Well, how blind can you be, Dad? He didn't seem gay to you?
Martin
He's English, they all seem gay.
Frasier
Lord!
Martin
Well, we're just going to have to tell him the truth.
Frasier
Oh, what? You found her mother so unattractive you pretended to be gay?! Dad, Emily is the most fabulous woman I have met in ages. If you screw this up for me, I will never forgive you, so just be nice, all right?
Martin
But what if he asks me for a date?
Frasier
I have news for you: You're on a date!
Frasier
Daphne!
Edward
We've just been chatting with your delightful physical therapist, Marty.
Daphne
Oh, he's a charmer, this one. [Edward laughs modestly; to Martin] Now, aren't you glad you went to the opera? [to Emily] I keep telling him he should get out more, meet people. Most nights he just sits here alone watching the telly.
Emily
[re: Edward] He's the exact same way. He'll watch anything.
Daphne
[re: Martin] With him it's mostly sports. Just give him a bunch of sweaty men chasing each other around the field and he...
Frasier
Daphne! [drags her to the kitchen] Where are we keeping the Camembert these days?
Daphne
[protesting] Same place we always do.
Frasier
[pushes her into kitchen] Get in the kitchen!
Emily
You were smart to hire a woman for physical therapy. Much safer than a man. Edward sprained his leg last year.
Edward
All right, Emily.
Emily
I never trusted that man.
Edward
[annoyed] All right, Emily.
Emily
And why you loaned him your boat...
Edward
[angry] All right, Emily!
Frasier
Here we are.
Emily
Thank you, Frasier. I would love to see the rest of the apartment, if it's no trouble.
Frasier
Why, that's no trouble at all.
Martin
[worried] Frasier, can I just...
Frasier
Now, Dad, don't worry. I will close the door to your room. [to Edward] You should see it whenever he gets ready for the opera - clothes everywhere!
Daphne
Well, I'm off to bed.
Martin
Oh, no, no, no, Daph. Daphne, why don't you join us?
Daphne
[trying to contain her laughter] Oh, no, no: Three's a crowd! [exits in a giggle]
Edward
So.
Martin
So...
Edward
Our loved ones seem determined to thrust us together.
Martin
Well, don't let them pressure you.
Edward
Congratulations, Marty, on having raised such a splendid son. I envy you your bond. [Martin gets nervous]
Martin
Do you have kids?
Edward
Just one, George. He's thirty-five and he has consecrated his life [in horror] to bowling. I join him when I can, but...
Martin
You're not wild about it.
Edward
No. I mean, oh, the shoes! Strange isn't it, the things we'll do to be close to our children.
Martin
Oh, yeah. I've let Frasier drag me to all kinds of places I didn't want to go to, just so that I could spend some time with him. You know, sometimes it's hard to humor your kids but...
Edward
[puts his arm on the couch] It's what we do, we're fathers.
Martin
Exactly.
Edward
Marty, would you be free for dinner sometime?
Martin
Oh, gee, I, er...
Edward
No, it's all right, never mind.
Martin
No, no, no, I'd love to, it's just that...
Edward
No need to explain.
Martin
No, no, really. It's not you, you're a great guy, it's just that I'm... [obviously contrived] dating someone!
Edward
Marty, you don't have to spare my feelings.
Martin
No, no, really, it's true.
Niles
Hello.
Martin
Darling! [hugs Niles]
Niles
I'm sorry, am I interrupting something?
Martin
Oh, not a thing, honey. Just take off your coat and stay a while.
Niles
Okay. [does so] I felt bad about that squabble earlier so I dropped off this little peace offering.
Martin
[takes wine] As if I could stay mad at you. Er, this is my boyfriend, Niles. Niles, this is Edward, we met at the opera tonight.
Edward
Delighted.
Niles
[confused] Hello.
Edward
You needn't look so startled. I can assure you, there's nothing funny going on.
Niles
Oh, good.
Martin
Well, why don't we go put this on ice?
Frasier
Of course the finest Gilda ever sung was by the great Mathilde DeCagny. I actually have a recording.
Emily
I'd love to hear it.
Frasier
Where's Dad?
Edward
He's in the kitchen with his boyfriend.
Frasier
Oh! [confused] Niles, what brings you here?
Martin
Well, it's my place too! [laughs] I can have company if I want. Emily, this is Niles.
Emily
[coldly] Hello.
Niles
Hi.
Emily
[aside to Frasier] Em, I didn't realize your father was seeing someone.
Frasier
No, actually, I didn't think he was. Since when were you two an item?
Martin
Two weeks now. We didn't say anything about it, yet, because, well... [looks at Niles for an excuse]
Niles
So many reasons.
Edward
You know, it's getting late, Emily.
Emily
Oh yes, we should be going.
Frasier
No, no, please, please, stay for just five more minutes. I have a very special old port that I'd love for you to sample.
Frasier
How can you do this to me?
Niles
This was not my idea!
Frasier
Niles, Emily just kissed me in the bedroom and now she's leaving. I have never been so embarrassed in my life.
Niles
You're embarrassed?! They think the best I can do is an old man with a cane!
Frasier
You've got to fix this!
Niles
Oh, and how am I supposed to do that?
Frasier
Well, isn't it obvious? You've got to dump Dad!
Frasier
Here you are. Really, you must try this. So, Niles, actually, you missed a splendid evening at the opera.
Niles
Well, maybe I can catch it this weekend with Mel.
Martin
["jealous"] Oh, and who's Mel?
Niles
["exploding"] Damn you and your jealous questions, you don't own me!
Martin
Niles, I was only asking!
Niles
[walks to door] You're always asking, badgering, spying on me! Well, I won't be suffocated anymore. I'm tired of being your trophy boy! It's over, you hear me? Over! [haughty sniff] And I'm keeping the jewelry!
Frasier
[nearly laughing] Oh, Dad, I'm so sorry.
Emily
If there's anything we can do...
Martin
No, I'll be all right, I... I guess I always knew it wouldn't last.
Edward
Marty, the young ones never stay.
Emily
I know what will cheer you up, that "Rigoletto" recording.
Frasier
Oh yes, splendid.
Edward
You know, Emily, I'd love to hear it but that shipment is arriving bright and early. [stands]
Emily
[disheartened] Oh, right. Frasier, I wish I could stay, but I'm Edward's ride.
Frasier
Yes, what a shame. Well, I guess this is good night, then-
Martin
[stands] No, no, wait a minute. Emily, em, why don't you just stay here with Frasier and enjoy the music. [gets his coat] I'll give Edward a ride home.
Frasier
You would do that, Dad?
Martin
Happy Valentine's Day, son.
Frasier
[overjoyed] Thanks, Dad.
Martin
All right, good night.
Emily
It was so sweet of your father to do that. He really loves you, doesn't he?
Frasier
You have no idea.