Something About Dr. Mary

Roz

Why did I ever decide to redecorate my bathroom? They give you about a thousand decisions to make. After a while, you can't even tell the colors apart.

Frasier

Oh, Roz, perhaps my discerning decorative eye can be of some assistance, let me see here.

Frasier

This one's Ecruel, that's Eggshell and this of course is Nolove White.

Roz

Very good, Frasier. Now let's see how you do on the color side. [turns them over]

Frasier

You know, Roz, I do hope you don't spend your entire vacation redecorating. You know, you should get out, you know, have some fun, maybe even take a cruise? You don't want to stay in your apartment cooped up with a bunch of sweaty workmen.

Frasier

Bon Voyage.

Roz

Thank you, and don't worry, Chuck Ranberg said he'd take over for the week-

Frasier

No, no, absolutely not, Roz! The man's speech impediment will make me giggle all week long.

Roz

Show a little compassion!

Frasier

Oh come on, you try dealing with a call screener who says, "Doctaw Cwane, we have a kweptomaniac on wine fwee."

Roz

Well, who do you want to use?

Frasier

Well, actually, I was thinking of reaching out to the community. You know, I was guest speaker last month at a program called "Second Start." They offer career training for people who are stuck in tedious, low-paying jobs. And, em, well, I'd thought I'd give the job to one of those students.

Roz

That's a great idea, Frasier. Sounds like a great program.

Frasier

Oh dear, there's Chuck Ranberg. Roz, you've got to tell him he doesn't have the job.

Roz

Why can't you tell him?

Frasier

I'm sorry, I can't hear the man speak without just descending into giggles.

Roz

Oh, you are such a child!

Frasier

[mumbles hurrying her]

Chuck

Hi, guys.

Roz

Hey, Chuck, how's it going?

Chuck

Oh, tewwible, Woz! My wife was in the Cawwibean and she weft me for a Wastafawian!

Frasier

We only have a couple of minutes before the show, so listen, tell me a little bit about yourself. How did you get interested in broadcasting?

Mary

Well, after I got laid off from the bakery, I guess I had some free time. So I took a few different night school courses and when I got to the one in radio, it all clicked.

Frasier

Oh, well, isn't that funny? You know, I had almost exactly the same experience. I first discovered psychiatry in Dr. Badgley's epidemiology seminar at Harvard.

Mary

Except I bet you didn't walk though a metal detector to get to class!

Frasier

No, no, but, you know, I did have to pass under a dangerously unbalanced portrait of Alfred Adler in the Rotunda! [laughs]

Mary

We are practically separated at birth!

Frasier

Ten seconds, Mary, coming up.

Mary

Oh, I'm so nervous.

Frasier

Oh, you'll be fine, just relax.

Mary

Okay. [sits in her seat as Frasier sits in his]

Frasier

[on air] Hello, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane and I'm listening. I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce someone who's going to bring her own flavor to the show this week while Roz is gone. Say hello to Mary Thomas. [Mary nods; encouraging her to talk] It's great to have you with us, Mary. [Mary only smiles] You know, we want to get right to your calls, folks. So, we'll be right back after this.

Frasier

Mary, I should mention that you should feel free to speak on the air. You know, Roz often chimes in from time to time.

Mary

Oh, I can't believe I messed up so quickly.

Frasier

Oh, no, no, no, not at all, not at all. Just promise me that you'll speak up when it feels right.

Mary

I will!

Frasier

Okay, great, I'm sure you have excellent instincts.

Mary

Five seconds.

Frasier

Right.

Frasier

[on air] And we're back. All right, Mary, who's our first caller?

Mary

[emphasized] Maria! [Frasier urges her to carry on] Er, she's thirty-six years old... married five years... and her husband's been staying late at the office so he can meet with his secretary.

Frasier

[happy for Mary] That's the way to do it! [realizing] I mean, I'm sorry, Maria, em, I'm Listening.

Maria

[v.o.] Hi, Dr. Crane. Anyway, he's having an affair and it's not his first. This has been going on since we were newlyweds. How do I get him to change?

Frasier

Well, Maria. You of course know it's impossible to force anyone to change. But you can work to change yourself. Usually women that tolerate this sort of behavior from their husbands are suffering from low self-esteem issues, you may need some counseling to resolve those issues. Let me ask you a couple of questions...

Mary

May I say something?

Frasier

Yes.

Mary

Maria, Dr. Crane is right. You must make a change. And the first thing you change is the lock on your front door.

Frasier

[not too pleased] What?

Maria

Oh, listen, there's plenty of time for counselors, but at six o'clock locksmiths start charging extra, so you get on it, girlfriend. You know, my Grampa Willie used to say, "Nothing stops a man from playing the field faster than a night out on the lawn." Okay? Okay!

Frasier

Oh, thank you, Grampa Willie!

Mary

Looky here, Tony. You're thirty-five years old. Now, your parents only had you for the first eighteen, so if you want to start blaming someone, maybe you need to blame yourself. Okay? Okay!

Frasier

Actually, chronic rage problems usually stem from childhood...

Mary

All right, Dr. Crane, we're all out of time.

Frasier

[looks at clock] So we are. Well then, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, saying goodbye Seattle, and good mental health. [goes to press button]

Mary

And tune in tomorrow!

Niles

[full of the joys of spring] Hello, Daphne.

Daphne

Oh, Dr. Crane, you're in a good mood today.

Niles

Hmm-mm, after six long weeks I have finally received my yellow belt.

Daphne

Oh, aren't you lucky? I ordered some more Capri pants two months ago and I'm still waiting.

Niles

No, no, no. As this handsome certificate will attest, I've finally attained the second level of kickboxing.

Daphne

Oh, congratulations. What made you take up kickboxing?

Niles

Well, in order to protect Mel. Er, as you know, she's a plastic surgeon. She has a habit of slipping her card to total strangers who she feels could use her services. So far no harm done, but... [pours sherry]

Daphne

But it's only a matter of time before you get your lights punched out?

Niles

Exactly. It almost happened last week with Marjorie Dunsmore. Luck was on our side, but next time there might not be a walker to kick over, so... [beat] I think Dad'll be properly impressed when I demonstrate my precision in footwork.

Daphne

Oh! It's very impressive, Dr. Crane. You know, I just remembered the Chihuly needs a good dusting.

Frasier

[enters and notices] Daphne, I thought you cleaned that yesterday?

Daphne

Oh, did I?

Frasier

Oh, hello, Niles. What brings you here?

Niles

Here to demonstrate my newly acquired feet [high kicks shouting "hu-ho!"] of fury!

Frasier

Carry on, Daphne. [pours a sherry as Daphne exits to the kitchen and Martin enters and sits in his chair]

Niles

Frasier, Frasier, who was that woman on your show today?

Frasier

Oh, that was Mary Thomas, she's filling in for Roz this week.

Martin

It seemed to me like she was filling for you!

Niles

You're normally so particular about what happens on your show. I'm surprised you let her go on like that.

Frasier

Well, I started to say something and then I thought, well, it might be a bit condescending.

Martin

[sits] I know why you didn't say anything, cause she's black!

Frasier

Oh, that's ridiculous, Dad, race has nothing to do with it.

Niles

Oh, come now, Frasier. You can't deny a certain measure of guilt, living as you do in your exclusive lily-white world.

Frasier

Niles, owning the CD of "Ella sings Gershwin" does not qualify you as a soul brother!

Martin

You know, Frasier, there's such a thing as being too sensitive about this stuff. Now if it was Roz blabbing on instead of this Mary, you'd tell her to put a sock in it, right?

Frasier

Well, I suppose so, but, you know, this is different, Dad. She's just starting out, I didn't want to squelch her enthusiasm.

Martin

Because she's black.

Frasier

Dad, please, will you just stop saying that? Anyway, I will just have to deal with it for a week until Roz gets back.

Martin

Black!

Frasier

Stop it!

Niles

[suddenly after a pensive time] My first roommate at Yale was black!

Frasier

Huntington Treadwell III! It's hardly representative of the African-American experience, Niles.

Niles

His father was a pioneer in Selma and Montgomery.

Frasier

Yes, I believe he built golf courses all over the South!

Niles

Oh, speaking of golf, dad, I've become quite the sportsman myself. [hands him certificate] What do you think of that?

Martin

Oh, it's very nice, son, but calligraphy really isn't a sport! More of a craft.

Niles

No, no, no, this is for kickboxing, I finally reached yellow belt, Dad.

Martin

He-hey, what do you know? I'm proud of ya!

Martin

No, come here. [they high-five]

Niles

You know, it requires a lot of talent. You have to have timing and balance, the ability to strike and instantly retreat.

Martin

[clarifying] So you kick them and then run away?

Niles

Yes. My instructor says I'm a natural. Can I show you something?

Martin

[taking his beer onto another table for safety] Yeah, sure.

Niles

I'll show you a roundhouse kick, all right?

Niles

You sense your assailant's presence. [weird eye movement] You feel your body in the space. [weird feet movement] Know where your opponent is and when you're ready... you strike!

Niles

What have I done?!

Martin

Are you all right, Daphne?

Daphne

Yes.

Niles

Really?

Daphne

[cries] No. I landed on my wrist, it's really throbbing...

Martin

Go get her some ice, Niles! [he does]

Frasier

You know, Dad, perhaps you're right. Maybe I am too sensitive. [the phone rings] Daphne, could you get that, please?

Frasier

Gabe, you must remember that compulsive shopping is an addiction. There are no simple solutions.

Mary

Oh, I've got one! Cut those credit cards up right now. Okay? Okay!

Gabe

[v.o.] Thank you, Dr. Mary.

Frasier

You know, I hate to be a stickler here, Gabe, but as Mary would be the first to point out: she is not a doctor.

Mary

Oh, I don't mind. Call me Dr. Mary. You know, Latifa's not a real Queen, right?

Mary

Oh, you know what, doll babies, we're all out of time for today.

Frasier

[looks at clock] So we are. Well then, this is Dr. Frasier Crane...

Mary

...and Dr. Mary!

Frasier

Saying goodbye Seattle and... [quick] good mental health. [presses button before she can open her mouth]

Kenny

Hey, guys. [Mary enters to greet him] Just checking in to see how things are going.

Mary

Are you kidding, it's a dream come true. [exits to her booth]

Kenny

[closes door between booths] So, er, you and Mary, what do you think of her? Be honest.

Frasier

Well, I genuinely like her, she's delightful and dedicated.

Kenny

And...?

Frasier

Well, em, she does have a tendency to just sort of jump right in there whenever she likes, you know, and frankly, her method of solving problems is totally different than mine. [laughs to cover fear of prejudice]

Kenny

[genuine laugh] Yeah, I'm nuts about her too. [Mary enters] The contrast between you guys, that's what gets things crackling. I always thought that your show was the gold standard of radio shrink chatter. But this last week has been even better!

Frasier

You think so?

Kenny

Absolutely! In fact, the boys upstairs would like to make you two a permanent team. Oh, who am I kidding? There are no boys upstairs, I just love this show! [imitating Mary] Okay?

Mary

Oh, this is so exciting, I cannot believe it.

Frasier

Oh, me neither!

Kenny

And don't you worry about Roz. I'm just going to switch her over to Gil's show. The hours are better and I'll even throw in a twenty percent raise! Ah, this is going be great! I bet within a month you guys are going to have the hottest ratings in Seattle!

Mary

Oh, this is so wonderful, thank you both, really. I'm going to go call my parents. [exits]

Frasier

Listen, Kenny...

Kenny

I know what you're feeling right now, Doc, and let me save you the trouble. [opens arms] Come here, big guy!

Mary

I want some too!

Niles

Everything comfy, Daphne? There you are. This quiche should hold you 'til dinner.

Daphne

Dr. Crane, you really don't need to fill in for me, it's just a sprained wrist. I'm perfectly capable of cooking dinner.

Martin

The hell you are!

Niles

Daphne, it is the least I can do, believe me. Until you're fully recovered, consider me your full-time stand-in. Oh, which reminds me, Dad. I rented your favorite video. [hands it to him]

Martin

[cheerful] Oh-ho, "Death Wish."

Niles

Oh, I'll get your beer, I'm just frosting the mug in the freezer the way Daphne does.

Daphne

I never frost your beer mug!

Martin

Oh, be quiet, will you? He's feeling very guilty and we have to help him work through it.

Daphne

That is just baloney, and you know it. Shame on you, taking advantage of your son, I don't know how you sleep at night!

Martin

Well, pretty good since he started putting a mint on my pillow and a cup of cocoa by the bed.

Daphne

He never leaves me cocoa.

Martin

You have to fill out that little card.

Daphne

Oh.

Martin

Oh, Fras, how did the show go?

Frasier

[gives him a look] It was very educational. Today, Mary taught us how to manipulate our husbands... by withholding sex. And she taught us how to lie to our children about the past.

Martin

[laughs with Niles] Boy, that Dr. Mary sure goes on and on.

Frasier

[angry] For the last time! - she is not a doctor, no matter how many times she refers to herself as one. "A cat can have kittens in the oven but that don't make 'em biscuits!" [realizes] Dear God, now I'm quoting Grampa Willie!

Niles

For heaven's sake, Frasier, why don't you just talk to her?

Frasier

Well, it's a delicate situation, Niles. For God's sake, it's not all that easy. I mean, she is new to the field, she's sensitive, she's eager to please...

Martin

She's black!

Frasier

Dad, please!

Martin

Well, you know damn well that's what this whole thing's about. I don't know what the big deal is, if she's talking too much, just tell her to shut her big bazoo.

Frasier

Oh, really? How do you suggest I accomplish that without sounding like a complete bigot?

Niles

Well, perhaps a little diplomacy is in order.

Frasier

Oh, are you saying I should just choose my words more carefully, is that it?

Niles

Yes, exactly.

Frasier

[hot under the collar] Fine, fine, all right, Niles. Just exactly how would that go?! Why don't you play me and I'll be Mary.

Niles

All right. [calm] Er, Mary?

Frasier

[quick] Frasier!

Niles

I've been meaning to speak to you. You know, people listen to the show for my expertise.

Frasier

Oh, so my opinion's not worth anything?

Niles

Well, I'm the one with the medical degree. Now I want you to contribute, but only up to a point.

Frasier

So, you want me to stay in my place, Massa!

Niles

She's not going to say "Massa"...

Frasier

What, am I getting too uppity for you? You sherry-swelling, opera-loving, Armani-wearing elitist! You have no idea how difficult it is for a black woman in a white man's world!

Niles

Frasier...

Frasier

I don't think so! [breaking up] Look at me! This is ridiculous. I have walked myself straight into a mine field!

Niles

Listen, Frasier. I know you're trying to be sensitive, but you're not showing this woman any respect if you're not as honest with her as you would be with someone else.

Martin

Right, this is your show. When she gets her own show she can say whatever she wants.

Frasier

[realizes] Wait a minute! You know what, Dad, you may be onto something there. Gosh, I don't know why I didn't think of that myself. You know what, I'm just going to call Kenny and tell him to give her her own show. They're looking for a replacement for "Let's Go Camping With Dan & Jenny."

Martin

What happened to them?

Frasier

They don't know. [on phone] Kenny, it's Frasier. Listen, I've been thinking. You know what, I think I'm holding Mary back. You know, a talent like hers should not be stuck in a producer's chair. [happy to Niles and Martin] He agrees with me!

Mary

[to microphone] Oh, I'll tell you what you do, you snap out of it. You know why you're afraid to get married? You think there's some room full of hoochy mommas out there that's waiting for you, in case you don't want to do the right thing. Let me tell you something, the only thing you're missing out on is a lot of cold and lonely nights and I tell you what, there's not one person out there that would disagree with me on that.

Louise

I do! I don't think he deserves that girl and if he's not man enough to take that leap of faith then she's better off without him!

Mary

Louise, is you trippin'? Girls...

Frasier

Hi, Roz.

Roz

Hey, Frasier. I listened to your show for about twenty minutes today, I didn't hear your voice.

Frasier

Well, I'm playing a diminished role these days. Although still an important one. I am the glue that holds the show together - or as Mary said in her intro, "The filling in our little Oreo."

Roz

Well, it's no picnic working with Gil either. You know that little joke that he makes before every show that his taste buds are insured?

Frasier

Mmm.

Roz

They really are!

Frasier

Oh!

Roz

Guess who had to take the claims photo after he had to eat a hot slice of pizza?

Frasier

Oh God, Roz, I'm so sorry.

Roz

You should be. I go away for a week and you give away our whole show!

Frasier

Yes, I know. [Mary enters] Oh, Lord, there she is. You know what, I could have nipped this whole thing in the bud if I'd just been honest with her from the beginning. You know what, perhaps the time's come for me to just tell her the truth.

Roz

Well, it sounds like an intense conversation. I think I'll get out of here and give you a little room.

Frasier

Thank you, Roz.

Frasier

Roz!

Mary

[comes over] Hey there, partner. Is there room for one more at the doctor's table?

Frasier

Of course, Mary. Listen, there is something I want to talk to you about.

Mary

Oh, I don't doubt it. Could you believe Louise today? She just would not stop talking, would she?

Frasier

Well, it's not Louise...

Mary

Every time I turned around she's just yappity, yappity, yappity, yap. I mean, what is her training anyway?

Frasier

Mary, please, just stop it, stop it. Please, the problem is not with Louise, it's with you.

Mary

What?

Frasier

Well, the truth is, I... I don't enjoy working with you. I haven't enjoyed working with you from the start. We have different styles and I have absolutely no respect for the advice that you give.

Mary

I... I had no idea. Well, why didn't you just say something before?

Frasier

[pause] Well, it's because you're black. [she realizes] And the truth is that I was afraid that if I said something critical of you, you might react the wrong way... and I feel just terrible about it.

Mary

Maybe you shouldn't feel so bad because...

Frasier

No, no, actually, I should. You see, I pride myself on being able to communicate with just about anybody, and I couldn't even be honest with you.

Mary

Oh, it's not that easy. You didn't want to disappoint me, I understand. If you don't like the show the way it is right now then that comes first. Like Grampa Willie used to say, "If the shoe don't fit then that ain't your shoe."

Frasier

Well, you know, as much as I've come to loathe Grampa Willie, that does actually make me feel a little better.

Mary

You know, I'll let you in on a little secret. All those expressions? I made them up myself. [laughs] I'll give you another reason not to feel so bad about all this. Today, KPXY offered me my own show. I'm going to be just fine on my own.

Frasier

Mary, that's wonderful news. So, you forgive me?

Mary

Well, I think you could have been honest with me. Then again, if you'd told me to be quiet then I'd be back at the bakery. Instead, I've got this brand-new career and this afternoon I'm shopping for cars. So I guess what I'm saying is... God bless your guilty white ass! Okay?

Roz

So, how'd it go?

Frasier

Well, actually, better than I expected. I guess we're a team again, Roz.

Roz

Great. [they shake hands] Well, you'll have to wait a little while. I've got to stay with Gil at least until we find another replacement.

Frasier

Oh yes, of course. Well, I can find somebody.

Frasier

Thank you for your call, Jill. Well, Chuck, who else is on the line?

Chuck

Weww, Doctaw Cwane, we have Winda on wine fwee who bewieves peopew are waffing at hew.

Frasier

[containing his laughter] Maybe we can just come back to that one, shall we?

Chuck

All wightey!