Whine Club

Clare

How's your coffee?

Martin

Good, good. Yours?

Clare

Very nice.

Martin

That's good.

Clare

[then] Marty, we have no reason to be uncomfortable. We're two consenting adults.

Martin

What about your husband? He never consented!

Clare

Stan loved you Martin, and he loved me. If anything, he's up in heaven right now, watching us and smiling.

Martin

You don't think he was watching the whole time, do you?

Clare

Not if heaven gets ESPN! [they laugh] Now, stop feeling guilty.

Martin

Okay.

Frasier

Oh, Dad.

Martin

[worried] Oh, Fras'. You remember Clare Wojadubakowski?

Frasier

Yes, of course, hello, Mrs. Wojadubakowski, good to see you again. Gosh, I'm sorry again about your loss.

Clare

Thank you.

Frasier

He was a good man, your husband. [Martin's guilt starts] Dad's often said if it weren't for Stan, he wouldn't have made it through the academy, isn't that right?

Martin

[guilty] That's right.

Frasier

Didn't he lend you the money for your first car?

Martin

Yeah, he did.

Frasier

Oh course, we all owe him for introducing Dad to Mom.

Martin

Oh, God!

Clare

You know, Marty, I think we better go.

Frasier

Of course, well, Clare it's lovely seeing you again. Em, please give my regards to your son, Martin.

Martin

Oh, God!

Frasier

Oh hi, Roz. Why don't you join me?

Roz

Well, aren't you here with Niles?

Frasier

No, actually I haven't been seeing much of Niles lately. He spends all his time with Mel.

Roz

Well, that's what happens at the beginning of relationships. [to waiter] Can I have a decaf latte, please?

Frasier

[to waiter] Yes, and I'll have my usual, thank you. [waiter leaves] Yes, I do hope he hasn't forgotten me completely. We have wine club tonight, I'm sort of counting on him to help me become "corkmaster."

Roz

But you'll still keep your secret identity as Frasier Crane, right?

Frasier

Corkmaster's the most prestigious position in our club. If elected, I plan to have vertical tastings and guest speakers, perhaps even a trip to Portugal where some of the world's finest corks come from.

Roz

I wish I had a cork right now!

Frasier

Very funny, Roz. You know what, I do hope Niles shows up. You know, Mel has a way of making him change his mind at the last minute. You know, I think she's a bit manipulative.

Roz

Based on what?

Frasier

Oh, I don't know, I've a feeling.

Roz

So you really don't know her that well.

Frasier

That's true. You know, I really haven't given her much of a chance, I suppose. I suppose I could put together a little get-to-know-you event, a Sunday brunch perhaps?

Roz

There you go.

Frasier

Yes, it's a good idea, Roz. Of course, I don't want to make it seem like she's under the family microscope. You know, maybe you could come along.

Roz

I guess I could.

Frasier

Great.

Roz

Oh, and by Sunday you'll be Corkman.

Frasier

Cork-MASTER, thank you, Roz. [laughs] Actually, I won't know until after the election tonight. But you know, I'll let you know.

Roz

Or I could just look up into the sky for the cork signal!

Frasier

Very amusing, Roz.

Roz

If you win, I'd love a ride in the cork-mobile.

Frasier

All right, Roz!

Mel

[o.s.] Niles! [enters] Oh, don't you look dashing. I've brought you a nice bottle of Cheval Blanc to impress the wine club. Mrs. Briggs gave it to me as a thank-you after her last face-lift.

Niles

[looks at bottle] '61! I don't believe it!

Mel

Yes, that's what they're saying about Mrs. Briggs!

Niles

Oh, this is the perfect occasion for me to bring this wine. We're electing a new president tonight.

Mel

Oh?

Niles

Yes, and I promised Frasier I'd nominate him. Oh, did I mention, brunch at Frasier's tomorrow?

Mel

Oh yes, darling. Well, I'm so happy my rare, expensive bottle will benefit your brother. Oh, that tie's all wrong, let me.

Niles

Yes, of course, of course.

Niles

Yes, well, ever since the day he joined the wine club, Frasier's dreamed of becoming corkmaster. [she picks out a tie] Oh, good choice!

Mel

I think it's wonderful. I really do: helping your brother win this prestigious post.

Niles

Well, Frasier, deserves it.

Mel

Because he knows more about wine than you do?

Niles

I wouldn't say that.

Mel

Well, he's probably been in the club longer?

Niles

No, actually, I sponsored his membership.

Mel

Oh, well, so you've never wanted that honor for yourself?

Niles

Well, I wouldn't say never. Who hasn't nursed the dream of one day becoming corkmaster?

Mel

Oh, I'm sure Frasier at least asked if you were interested. [puts tie onto him]

Niles

Now that you mention it, no he didn't.

Mel

Oh, and you don't resent it? Well, you see, that's why I love you, because most people would. I would, bitterly, but then I'm not you and I don't know what's best for you and... now the jacket's all wrong. [takes it off him]

Niles

Do you think I should call him on this?

Mel

[getting another jacket] Please, the last thing I want to do is come between you and your brother.

Niles

He knows perfectly well how much I've coveted this post. I distinctly confided my aspirations to him the night Jud Riverton fell off the ferry after the spring tasting!

Mel

Well, I'm sure he just forgot.

Niles

No, no, don't defend him. Here. [lets her put the jacket on] He's always putting himself first and I always let him.

Mel

Why, Niles?

Niles

Oh, I don't know, I think perhaps it's because...

Mel

I'll tell you why: because you can't see yourself for what you really are! [holds him up into the mirror] You are a powerful, sexy, dynamic, colossus of a man. In other words, perfect corkmaster.

Niles

[looking at himself] I am, aren't I?

Mel

And don't let anyone, anyone ever take that away from you.

Mel

Now, that's all I want to say, because I love you and I don't want to meddle.

Frasier

Oh, Niles, finally, you're here.

Niles

Yes, sorry I'm late.

Frasier

Oh, that's all right, it's just that the nominations are about to begin. Now listen, this is what I thought we would do. After you nominate me, I will demure modestly for a moment and then I'll say something like...

Niles

I want to be corkmaster.

Frasier

Well, that's a bit artless, don't you think?

Niles

No, no: I want to be corkmaster too. I covet this post as much as you do, I always have, and I think I deserve a shot at it.

Frasier

But Niles, I've been campaigning for this all week, I was counting on you to nominate me.

Niles

And I will, I'm just hoping that you'll return the favor. Unless that is you're afraid of a little competition.

Master

Can I have your attention? My friends, as outgoing corkmaster, I would like to thank those who stuck with me during the ugly days of Spritzer-gate, but the time has come to pass the tasting cup. Are there any nominations? [Niles raises his hand] Niles.

Niles

It's a honor and a privilege to nominate my brother, Frasier Crane.

Master

Right, any others?

Frasier

[after some nudging] Yes, I would like to reciprocate and nominate my brother, Niles Crane.

Master

Are there any further nominations? [no-one raises a hand] Well then, a show of hands, please, for those in favor of Frasier Crane. [they do and he counts - including Niles's proud hand] Fourteen. And those in favor of Niles Crane? [they do - however Frasier does not raise his hand] Thirteen. [Niles stares at Frasier until he raises his hand] Oh, fourteen. It's a tie. If only out venerable founder, Virgil Hepplewhite was here to guide us.

Virgil

[out of nowhere] I'm over here.

Master

[crowd moves back] Oh, sorry, Virgil, I didn't see you. So, em, what is the procedure?

Virgil

[stands] Blind taste of five bottles.

Frasier

Oh for God's sake, Niles. The wine spent less time in the bottle! [Niles spits and writes down his prediction]

Master

All right, gentlemen, you have correctly identified the first three wines, let's see if number four can break the tie. Niles?

Niles

It was ripe, round and thoroughly seductive. I said Australian Shiraz. [holds up his card]

Master

Ah, and Frasier, what did you think?

Frasier

Well, contrary to my brother I thought it was dark, dusky and supple, but I also said Australian Shiraz." [holds up card]

Master

You're both right, we're still tied. [applause]

Frasier

Well, Niles, this is the moment of truth. Don't choke.

Niles

Please, prepare to be stomped like a late harvest Gevertstremener!

Master

Gentlemen?

Niles

It was jammy, plummy, dense and chewy. There is no doubt in my mind that it was a Napa Valley Merlot. [holds up card]

Master

You, Frasier.

Frasier

A nice big wine with excellent heft. It's Napa all right, but as I always say, why go Merlot when you can call a Cab? [holds up card]

Master

I thought this bottle might trip you up. Gentlemen, it's actually a blend. A forty-five percent Cabernet...

Frasier

And?!

Master

And... fifty five percent Merlot! Niles wins by ten percent.

Frasier

Well, Niles, congratulations, obviously the better man won.

Niles

Frasier, please...

Frasier

No, Niles, don't be modest.

Niles

No, I wasn't, they're starting my inauguration.

Club

Hail corkmaster, The master of the cork, He knows which wine goes with fish or pork! Hail corkmaster, The master of the cork...

Frasier

You know, the whole purpose of this brunch is to get to know Mel better, but it just hurts the hell out of me preparing a sumptuous brunch for Niles after the way he betrayed me at the wine club.

Roz

Oh, would you shut up about that corkmaster thing! I already hate you for putting that song in my head!

Martin

Okay, it's all clear.

Martin

[picks up chili bowl] Thanks for dropping off my tupperware.

Clare

Oh, oh, it's no trouble at all. I was headed out to church this morning... and I thought, "Oh, Marty's right on the way."

Martin

[snaps out of it] What's the matter with us?

Clare

Oh, Martin, we have done nothing wrong. I mean, maybe we were a little impetuous, but that's no crime.

Martin

Yeah, I guess you're right. Well, listen, thanks for dropping by, and I'll call you.

Frasier

Mrs. Wojadubakowski.

Martin

Yeah, look who just came here! Look who it is. [drags her back]

Frasier

I didn't even hear the doorbell ring, what brings you here?

Martin

Oh, [looks for excuse] she just brought me back my chili bowl. Well thanks a lot, and I'll see you later.

Frasier

No, Dad, where are your manners? Why don't you join us for brunch, Clare? I insist. I'm not sure that we'll be able to give you a treat as spicy as the one that Dad gave you but...

Clare

Yes, he does make very good chili!

Frasier

Isn't that flattering, Dad? You know what, I think someone wants seconds!

Martin

Frasier, could I see you in the kitchen for a minute?

Frasier

Yes, of course. Clare, you make yourself at home.

Frasier

Oh, splendid idea, Roz; Bloody Marys. You know, why don't you offer one of those to Clare?

Martin

Oh, I don't think she's got time.

Daphne

I'll ask her.

Daphne

[o.s.] Mrs. Wojadubakowski, Mr. Crane was wondering if you had time for a quick one.

Martin

[agitated] Look, Frasier, there's something you should know about me and Clare: we just slept together.

Frasier

Are you sure? She just got here two minutes ago.

Martin

She was here earlier. I just don't know what came over us. We just couldn't keep our hands off each other, we were like animals or sex-crazed teenagers.

Frasier

Well, what's wrong with that?

Martin

Well, I'll tell you what's wrong with that, she's Stan's widow. I mean, he didn't even like it when I borrowed his lawn mower!

Frasier

Dad, listen, Stan's been gone a while now. I mean, you're not teenagers, you're two mature people reaching out for some companionship. I think it's adorable. [doorbell sounds]

Martin

Adorable?!

Daphne

Oh, good morning, Dr. Crane.

Niles

Hello, Daphne. [looks] My, isn't that a beautiful outfit.

Daphne

[falling over herself] Oh, thank you, Dr. Crane, how sweet.

Mel

[on cell phone] So just beep me if you need me.

Niles

Greetings all. Mel, I think you know everyone.

Niles

Oh, Mrs. Wojadubakowski, what a nice surprise. This is Mel Karnovsky.

Mel

Hello.

Clare

It's a pleasure to meet you. [stands] Martin, I really have to be getting to church.

Martin

Oh, yeah, sure, okay. Well, I'll just walk you out.

Niles

You know what, by the way, I'm so sorry to hear about your husband.

Clare

Thank you, thank you.

Niles

I understand Dad's been doing what he can to fill the void.

Roz

Can I pour you a Bloody Mary, Mel?

Mel

Not for me. It's a little early in the day for hard liquor, don't you think?

Roz

Not anymore. [pours herself a large one]

Mel

Niles, let's get this foie gras box in the refrigerator. [notices Eddie has his head in the bag] Oh, hello, Eddie. Or should I say goodbye?

Martin

Huh?

Mel

Well, Martin, I'm sure you'll be locking Eddie out on the balcony if people are going to be eating here.

Martin

Well, I'll tell you who I'd like to lock out on the balcony-

Roz

Oh please, let it be me!

Frasier

Now, now, maybe I remind you that we're having this little bruncheon in order to get acquainted with Mel. We owe it to Niles to give her a chance.

Daphne

I agree with Dr. Crane, we should all have another Bloody Mary. [pours one]

Frasier

I didn't say that!

Daphne

It was implied.

Mel

[enters with Niles a bottle of wine] Oh, Frasier, I almost forgot. The corkmaster and I brought this along for you. [hands over bottle]

Frasier

Oh, well, thank you very much, that's a lovely bottle. I guess Niles must have told you about his eleventh hour victory.

Mel

Ah, yes, and I'm so proud of him.

Niles

Let's give credit where credit's due, to Mel. [kisses her]

Frasier

To Mel?

Niles

Well, yes, it was her idea that I should run.

Frasier

Really? Well, perhaps I'll just put this around the corner before the cork flies out and hits someone.

Mel

So, after all these years of doing tummy tucks and liposuctions, I can look at a fully clothed person and see exactly what they look like naked. [everyone becomes self- conscious] I can see every sag, droop, ripple and pucker. It's like X-ray vision.

Roz

How interesting. [walks to kitchen holding her stomach in] I think I'll go check on breakfast.

Frasier

[tensing his muscles] Let me give you a hand with that.

Roz

When you invited me, did you say "brunch for Mel" or "brunch from Hell"?

Frasier

That woman is unbearable.

Martin

[enters] Well, guess who's allergic to Eddie?

Frasier

Oh, Lord.

Martin

She wants a glass of water to take her pill with. [fills a glass] Boy, do you know what I can't stand? All that "sweetie, dearie, darling" stuff. I've never met anyone so phony! [Mel enters] Hello, dear, here's your water. [hands it over]

Mel

Thank you, Martin. Well, Frasier, I'm afraid I have some bad news. I just got beeped by my service and I have to go.

Frasier

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry.

Mel

Thank you for brunch though, thanks for inviting me. It's such a civilized way to spend an afternoon.

Daphne

"With her head tucked underneath her arm/ she walks the bloody tower!" - You know who that song's about, don't you?

Mel

Bloody Mary?

Daphne

Oh, don't mind if I do! [picks up Bloody Mary and exits]

Mel

Anyway, I better go.

Niles

Darling, I have your coat. I'll walk you to the elevator.

Mel

Well, thank you all for a lovely afternoon.

Martin

Well, that's a blessing. Now we can enjoy our breakfast.

Roz

I doubt it. I was only allowed to make a cheese-free, mushroom-free, fat-free frittata, thanks to the girl in the plastic bubble!

Daphne

I think I'll order a pizza. [takes phone into kitchen]

Frasier

You know, I have half a mind to say something to Niles, he is making a terrible mistake with that woman!

Martin

Frasier!

Frasier

But Dad, it is Maris all over again! She's dominating him, emasculating him!

Martin

Look, I don't like her anymore than you do and God knows we've been through this before. I didn't Lilith, we both didn't like Maris and you boys sure as hell didn't like Sherry, but what good did it do talking about it?

Frasier

He's repeating a terrible pattern.

Martin

Well he's going to repeat it whether you like it or not. And if you say anything, you're just going to drive a wedge between you. So, nobody's going to say a word!

Niles

Well, it's a shame Mel had to leave.

Frasier

Oh yeah, you know, we were having such a good time.

Martin

Yeah, Niles.

Niles

You know, I was nervous bringing her over here.

Niles

I was concerned what you'd think, you know, getting to really know her for the first time. So?

Roz

Ooh, I'm going to go let Eddie in. [exits to balcony]

Niles

Come on, seriously, I want you to be totally honest. [Daphne enters, waiting on the phone] Tell me, what do you think of Mel?

Daphne

Oh, I don't like her at all, she's bossy and fussy and mean. She's all wrong for you. [into phone] Yes, I need a large pepperoni pizza, and some cheese bread! [exits to kitchen]

Martin

[stands] I'm sure she didn't mean that, Niles. [follows Daphne into kitchen]

Niles

Well, that was startling.

Frasier

Yes, well, don't take that seriously, Niles. [Roz enters from balcony] You know how women sometimes just form irrational dislikes for one another.

Roz

Oh, that's great, I leave the room for one second and you rat me out.

Frasier

No, Roz...

Roz

No, it's okay, I don't have anything to hide and I'm not irrational. She's pushy, demanding and a gigantic pain in the ass! I'd dump her like radioactive waste.

Niles

Well, so that's two of you in the Anti-Mel camp.

Roz

[to Frasier] Oh, did you tell him what you thought of Mel too?

Frasier

No, Daphne did.

Roz

Oops! [exits to kitchen]

Niles

Frasier?!

Frasier

I just think she's Maris all over again, she's manipulative... I think you're repeating a terrible pattern.

Niles

Well, isn't this neat?! We all have our individual reasons for disliking her.

Niles

Hey, Dad, what's your reason for disliking Mel?

Daphne

So you did tell him what you think of her and after shoving me into the kitchen and shaking your freakin' finger at me!

Martin

She's crazy, Niles, I don't know what she's talking about... [Roz enters]

Niles

No, no, that's all right, Dad. I, er, I asked you all to be honest and you were. [gets coat] I got my answer. You know what would have been nice? Is if one of you could have found one nice thing to say about her.

Daphne

She does have that X-ray vision.

Martin

Did you talk to Niles?

Frasier

Em, I left a couple of messages but no answer. I think he's gonna have to stay mad for a while.

Martin

Yeah, well, that was a hell of a brunch all the way round for you as well as me.

Frasier

Dad, if you're talking about what happened between you and Mrs. Wojadubakowski, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Martin

Yeah, yeah, I guess.

Frasier

So, you're going to see her again?

Martin

Oh, I don't know, I don't think it's gonna work out.

Frasier

You're not still feeling guilty, are you?

Martin

No, what you said made a lot of sense. It's just that I think it's run its course.

Frasier

Oh, well, I have a theory.

Martin

Geez!

Frasier

[Daphne enters and hears] No, no, hear me out. I think by giving you my approval to sleep with Clare I've made it less exciting for you. There was a certain illicitness to the relationship that gave it a kind of piquancy.

Martin

Frasier, it's Sunday, take the day off!

Daphne

[the drink has obviously worn off] Wait, Mr. Crane. You slept with Mrs. Wojadubakowski?

Martin

Yes, I did, isn't that adorable?

Daphne

No, it's disgusting, you dirty old man! Sleeping with that poor widow before her husband's even cold in the ground.

Martin

You think that was wrong?

Daphne

You're damn right I do. You ought to be ashamed.

Martin

See, I told you, Frasier.

Daphne

We live in a civilized society and there are certain rules we have to live by. [getting carried away as if settling a mental conflict] We all have impulses we'd like to explore, but we don't!

Frasier

Daphne?

Daphne

[after a pause she tries to put it aside] Well, we can't just go chasing anyone you fancy just because you're suddenly attracted to them. There are certain things you don't do, no matter how tempted you are. [exits to her room]

Frasier

Boy that was strange, wasn't it?

Martin

I don't think it was strange at all! Made a lot of sense to me! [stands and gets coat]

Frasier

Where the hell are you going?

Martin

Well, I better get over to Clare's and apologize. Don't wait up for me Frasier, I've got a lot of apologizing to do!