Hot Pursuit

Daphne

Dr. Crane.

Niles

Hello, Daphne. [He enters.] Is Dad around? I have that videotape he wanted to see.

Daphne

Actually, he's gone off with Donny. They went to a tractor pull.

Niles

Ohhh... [He looks questioningly at her.]

Daphne

As I understand it, they attach a large weight to a tractor and see how far they can pull it through the mud.

Niles

Ohhh... [His brow furrows.]

Daphne

The answer to your next question is "Beats the hell out of me."

Frasier

Oh, hello, Daphne, Niles.

Niles

Hello, Frasier.

Daphne

Oh, Dr. Crane. I see you've grown yourself a crumb-catcher.

Frasier

Oh, please. Spare me your jocular euphemisms. I've heard them all from Freddie: my chin-sweater, my face-fuzz, my hickey-hider.

Niles

[laughing] Well, I think it suits you.

Frasier

Well, thank you, Niles. I just wanted to shake things up a bit, you know.

Niles

How was Boston?

Frasier

Oh, it was fine. It was great seeing Freddie again. Of course, Lilith was insufferable. She's got a new boyfriend, some twenty-eight year old named Marcel, he's a contortionist with the Cirque de Soleil.

Niles

She's dating French circus folk?

Frasier

Yes. Well, he's actually perfect for Lilith: he has no apparent spine and she can wrap him around her finger. Of course, Lilith's smug satisfaction was a little hard to bear, though. Especially considering how long it's been since the circus came to my town.

Donny

I know! I couldn't believe the weight of that thing! [spotting Frasier] Well, it's Grizzly Crane!

Martin

Well, nice soup-strainer there, Fras.

Frasier

Thank you.

Donny

Oh, we just saw a hell of a tractor pull. Even you would have liked it.

Martin

So, how's my grandson?

Frasier

Oh, he's great, Dad. Actually, he loved the baseball mitt you sent him.

Donny

[taking off the ball cap he's wearing] Where's Daphne? I got this little gift for her.

Niles

Oh, a John Deere cap. How... could you?

Donny

Oh no, I'm just giving it to her to see her pretend to like it. Then I'm gonna give her a bracelet.

Roz

Hey, Frasier.

Frasier

Oh, hi Roz.

Roz

Hmmm, cool beard!

Frasier

Oh, thanks!

Roz

Hey, Niles.

Niles

Hey, Roz.

Roz

[handing Frasier an envelope] OK, here's the directions, hotel confirmation and schedule.

Frasier

Excuse me?

Roz

Broadcast conference.

Frasier

Good lord! I thought that was next week.

Roz

No, it's tonight! I'm going up there right now.

Frasier

Oh no, Roz. I just got back from Boston, for God's sake. You know, maybe I could just drive up tomorrow and attend the panels.

Roz

No Frasier, tonight's reception's the most important part! It sets the tone for the whole weekend.

Frasier

Oh, come on! Last year everybody just got drunk and acted like a bunch of horny teenagers.

Roz

Exactly! So stop yakkin' and start packin'!

Niles

Well, you know, it could be just the relief you need after a long week with Lilith and Le Pretzel Boy.

Frasier

You know, come to think of it, there was one really gorgeous blonde up there: Rush Hour Rita, Larame's Eye in the Sky.

Roz

Yeah, I remember her. The traffic was bumper to bumper outside her ROOM.

Frasier

Meow, Roz.

Roz

Oh, it's just that I am so sick of men becoming panting idiots just at the sight of blonde hair.

Niles

That is a bit of an oversimplification, Roz.

Frasier

[At the same time as Niles, then continuing alone] Don't be ridiculous. It's insulting, Roz! For God's sake, I mean, every man's taste is different.

Roz

Sorry, it's just that I met this guy at Nervosa today for coffee and it was very annoying. Every time I tried to say anything, this blonde waitress would walk by...

Martin

Oh, Mimi's back?

Frasier

Oh, that's good news.

Niles

Gotta stop in and see Mimi.

Frasier

You know, I guess I better get packing!

Martin

What're you talking about? You got your bags right there.

Frasier

No, Dad, these are my "Daddy" clothes. I have to go and pack my "Come to Daddy" clothes.

Donny

Oh, will you give me a break? All right, all right! [Disconnects.] My surveillance guy just cancelled for tonight, just when I need him for this big money divorce case.

Daphne

Is this the Stanley Redmond thing?

Donny

Yeah, the dumpster rental king. This guy controls half the dumpsters in the Northwest, his wife thinks he's been taking out the wrong kind of trash. You know, if I can prove it, this case is mine.

Niles

That is so depressing. You expect this sort of behavior from a mattress king, but we ask more of our dumpster royalty.

Donny

Yeah, but you should see this girlfriend: leggy, blonde...

Niles

[to Roz] Oh, well, blonde! That explains it!

Roz

[getting up in a huff] Goodbye.

Niles

I'm sorry. [She leaves.]

Donny

Hey, wait a minute. Marty? You were a cop, right? You must've done surveillance.

Martin

Oh sure, all the time.

Donny

Well, why don't you work for me tonight? It's forty-five bucks an hour.

Niles

Oh, I don't think Dad would want to do that.

Martin

Forty-five bucks?

Donny

All right, fifty. But if you get a picture of Redmond and the girl, then it's a five hundred dollar bonus.

Martin

Five hundred dollars?

Donny

All right, seven hundred, you're killing me.

Niles

Dad, I don't think this is a good idea. Where exactly is this stakeout?

Donny

It's at the Alcazar apartments. You know, in Belltown.

Niles

Belltown is sort of a sketchy neighborhood, wouldn't you say?

Martin

Oh Niles, to you a sketchy neighborhood is when the cheese shop doesn't have valet parking. I'm an ex-cop, remember?

Niles

Yeah, yeah, I know you're an ex-cop. Let's just examine this, Dad...

Martin

No, no, no. Let's just forget about it. I'm not gonna listen to this all night. I just won't do it, are you satisfied?

Niles

[getting up to leave] Yes. Thank you. Donny, I'm sorry to put a crimp in your plans.

Donny

No, that's all right. I'm sure I'll find somebody else. [as the door closes on Niles, he turns to Martin] You're still doing it, right?

Martin

Hell, yes!

Roz

Thanks for watching Alice, Laurie. I really owe you one... Well, I just want to get down to this cocktail party before all the good men are taken... What? I just want to have a little fun tonight... No! I do not mean that... All right, I do mean that. [There is a knock at the door.] Uh, Laurie, I'll talk to you later. Thank you again, bye-bye.

Roz

Oh, hey Frasier.

Frasier

Hi Roz. My room isn't ready yet, can I put my stuff here until I can check in?

Roz

Come on in.

Frasier

Thanks. I tell you, the storm hasn't dampened the festivities downstairs. It's only seven o'clock and Marge Whitmeyer is already in the bar arm-wrestling people for drinks.

Roz

How many did you buy her?

Frasier

Well, three, but my elbow was in a wet spot.

Roz

Hey, did you happen to notice if that weather guy from KSGY was down there?

Frasier

Yes, I noticed that he was there. Something tells me the forecast calls for a collision between two warm fronts.

Roz

Hello? Oh, yeah, he's here. [hands the phone to Frasier] It's the front desk.

Frasier

Hello? Yes? Well then, you'll just have to get me a room elsewhere! I see. Thank you very much. [he hangs up] They don't have a room for me.

Roz

[looking nervous] What're you gonna do?

Frasier

Well, guess I could stay on the couch.

Roz

What!?

Frasier

Oh, come on Roz! I got no choice! The whole island is booked.

Roz

Well, this is sure gonna cramp my style. I mean, it's not like college when everybody just... never mind.

Frasier

You know Roz, we're two attractive people. We're at a conference that turns into a bacchanal every year, odds are neither of us will need this room tonight.

Roz

You're right. What's the problem?

Frasier

I believe there's a cocktail party awaiting us?

Roz

Let's go down together. [taking his arm] We'll be like jackals, they hunt in pairs.

Frasier

I like your self-assurance. There's no greater aphrodisiac than confidence.

Roz

Shall we?

Frasier

Let the games begin!

Roz

I just need a little more lipstick.

Frasier

I'm sweatin' right through this shirt.

Martin

[opening the door] Niles...

Niles

You specifically promised me...

Martin

Would you shut up and get in here?

Martin

How did you know I was here?

Niles

The doorman!

Martin

Bigmouth.

Niles

Well, I guess he didn't realize he was being sworn to secrecy when you said "Hey Sid, I'm goin' on a stakeout." I can't believe you lied to me.

Martin

Well, I'm sorry, but you were makin' such a big fuss about nothing.

Niles

It is not nothing! Look at this neighborhood. [looking in the side-view mirror] I'm not even happy parking my Mercedes here.

Martin

It's not that bad.

Niles

Oh, really? Well then could you explain to me the ominous group of men standing back there in the shadows by my car? [Martin looks out the back.] They're all wearing the same sort of dark coat, it's some sort of gang.

Martin

Niles, they're Hasidic Jews.

Niles

That's right, keep walking, keep walking...

Martin

So, what, you came down here to bawl me out?

Niles

Yes... partly. Also to give you this.

Martin

What's this?

Niles

Clam chowder.

Martin

[happy] Oh-ho!

Niles

I remember Mom used to make it for you when you went ice fishing, and I hated the thought of you sitting out here cold and hungry.

Martin

Well thank you, I appreciate it. But, look, why don't you just go back home, now. I'll be fine.

Niles

No, I'll just stay awhile, you could use the company.

Martin

Oh, come on, Niles, why don't you tell me what's really on your mind?

Niles

All right, Dad, I was worried about you.

Martin

I knew it. Because I'm an old man and I can't take care of myself!

Niles

No. Age has nothing to do with it. I've always worried about you, that's what it's like when your father's a cop. I worried about you when I was five years old. And I didn't stop worrying until the day you retired. And today just brought it all back again.

Martin

Look, I'm sorry. For what it's worth, I know what you mean. My dad was a cop, too.

Niles

I know.

Martin

But, you know, Niles, I'm not chasin' after bad guys. I'm just gonna take a picture.

Niles

That's true. I'm probably overreacting like usual. Uh, well I guess I'll head home.

Martin

No, no, hey wait a little bit. Stick around. How'd you like a little clam chowder?

Niles

I'd love some!

Martin

[opening thermos] OK! [he sniffs] This is clam chowder!

Niles

Well, what'd you expect?

Martin

Irish whiskey! Your mother always filled it with coffee and Irish whiskey! We just called it clam chowder in front of you kids.

Niles

[with a thoughtful look] Is that why you got so mad that day I crumbled oyster crackers in your thermos?

Roz

What happened to you?

Frasier

Same thing that happened to you... I got a hug goodnight.

Roz

Where did we go wrong? Rush Hour Rita was draping herself all over you, and that news guy actually said to me if I gave him twenty-two minutes he'd give me the world.

Frasier

Well, I don't know, Roz. After he gave you the brush-off, he came over and sat down next to me and Rita. Before I knew it, they had discovered their mutual fondness for tango music.

Roz

I lose out to tango music? What a night! A total bust!

Frasier

Oh, come on, Roz. You know, for my money, you were the most attractive woman down there.

Roz

Thanks, Frasier. And I'm not just saying this to return the favor, but you look really hot in that beard.

Frasier

Oh, well, thanks. You know, maybe we're better off, just a couple of old friends having a cozy evening together.

Roz

Yeah, right. [There is a knock at the door.] It's him!

Frasier

It's her!

Both

Come in, hello. [They open it to find a waiter.]

Waiter

Sorry to disturb you, but the manager wanted to apologize for the mix-up with the room. [He puts down a champagne bucket.] This is on us.

Roz

That's nice.

Frasier

Well, you in the mood for a glass of champers, Roz?

Roz

I don't know, what do you think?

Waiter

It won't fit in the mini-bar.

Frasier

Well, it's settled then. I can open it myself, thanks. [Tips him.] Here you are.

Waiter

Thank you. [He leaves.]

Frasier

Well, ah. Demi-sec, respectable label, not a bad year. We may just be having a better time than anybody else here.

Niles

[loudly] Dad, this thing is amazing! I can actually hear some guy brushing his teeth! Swish, swish, spit. Swish, swish... flossing!

Martin

Niles!

Niles

You have got to try this, it's incredible! Here, put those on... [Hands Martin the headphones.]

Martin

[unenthused] All right.

Niles

[giving him the mike] All right, now point that anywhere you want.

Martin

Aaaarrrrghh! [He rips the headphones off.] Niles, will you quit kidding around? This isn't a game, it's a job! I just want to spot the guy, get a picture and get out of here. So why don't we just sit here and be quiet for a while.

Niles

You know, Dad, are you sure you want to be doing this?

Martin

I thought you said you weren't worried about me.

Niles

No, no, I'm not worried about your safety, I just mean are you doing the right thing? Meddling in this guy's marriage. You know, speaking as a psychiatrist...

Martin

Oh boy, open up a window.

Niles

I just see this sort of thing in my practice all the time. People make mistakes, and-and have affairs, and find some way to fix it. It's possible that by taking this picture, you're destroying any chance this man has.

Martin

Niles, the guy's a bum! He's probably always been a bum. Now, if you want to get into a debate about something, maybe you can tell me what those grass clippings were doing in the clam chowder.

Niles

That was lemon grass, and Chef Andre has gotten high kudos for that soup.

Martin

Well, if kudos are those brown chewy things, he can have 'em. I put mine in the ashtray.

Niles

You pretend to be such a cynic. I think you agree with me. You have too much of a conscience not to.

Martin

Oh, bappity, bappity, bap. Oh, there they are! [He grabs the camera.]

Niles

You're still gonna take this picture?

Martin

Ho-ho, you're damned right I am!

Niles

Even though right now that man may be planning to break it off with his girlfriend tonight? Planning to, to rededicate himself to his marriage? The terrible guilt spurring him on to ever-greater depths of commitment, and, and, and years from now he may be sitting with his wife, by the fire, holding her hand, reflecting on all their wonderful years together, especially their SUNSET years. And you could destroy all that with one click of a camera.

Martin

Sorry, Niles, what were you saying?

Niles

You took a picture of that tree and you know it!

Martin

All right, I did! What'd you have to talk about all that stuff for?

Niles

I was just saying what you were already thinking. You did the right thing and you're not gonna to regret it.

Martin

Yeah, well how am I going to tell Donny I just sat here and watched them walk by and get in the car?

Niles

You'll tell him proudly because you know in your heart of hearts...

Martin

Whoa! They backed into your Mercedes!

Niles

I don't believe it! They're not even leaving a note... they're driving away!

Martin

Well, I wouldn't worry about it, Niles. They're probably RACKED with grief and it'll spur them on to ever-greater...

Niles

Oh shut up and take their picture! Hurry up and get their license number! Hurry! Hurry!

Roz

Ummm, my longest relationship would have to be Ted, '88 to '90. No! Derek, '89 to '92.

Frasier

Being a gentleman, Roz, I won't point out the slight overlap there.

Roz

It's not an overlap, it's a transition.

Frasier

Uh-huh.

Roz

You know, like in April when you start wearing your spring clothes, even though you're wearing your winter stuff?

Frasier

Yeah, well, if we're talking April of '90, I doubt you were wearing much of anything at all.

Roz

OK, wise guy, what was your longest relationship?

Frasier

Oh, that's easy, Lilith. Although... [he laughs]

Roz

What?

Frasier

Well, if we're not talking romantic relationship, well, then umm, my longest relationship with a woman would be you: seven years.

Roz

Loser! [They laugh.] Seven years!

Frasier

Gosh.

Roz

My God, it has been that long.

Frasier

It's worth toasting.

Roz

Absolutely. [They clink glasses and take a sip.] So Frasier, what's with the beard?

Frasier

You hate it.

Roz

No! Actually I like it. It's like you're Frasier but not Frasier. What made you do it?

Frasier

Oh, I don't know. I just wanted to change things a little, I don't know, be spontaneous.

Roz

Oh, my God, I almost did something like that this weekend.

Frasier

Really?

Roz

Yeah, I... Oh, hell, I'll show you! [She puts down her glass and gets up, putting her hand on Frasier's leg.] Ooh, nice silk pajamas. [heading for the bathroom] I made a little purchase on my way up here.

Frasier

Did you? Well, I am just dying with anticipation. What is it?

Roz

You promise you won't laugh?

Frasier

I promise.

Roz

OK. Hold on one second. I'll be right out!

Roz

I just wanted to see for once in my life what it would be like to be a blonde. I thought I'd wear it down to the bar one night. Pretty pathetic, huh?

Frasier

On the contrary, Roz. It's, it's quite becoming. It's like you're Roz but not Roz.

Roz

[in a sultry voice] Hello stranger. You here for the conference?

Frasier

Yes, I am.

Roz

Is this seat taken?

Frasier

It's been waiting for you all its life. [She sits next to him.] Champagne?

Roz

Well, I'm not sure I should. I already had one glass, and it went straight to my head. I feel like maybe I should lie down.

Frasier

You could use my room...

Roz

Are you sure you're a gentleman?

Frasier

Well, I do prefer blondes... [They break up in laughter.]

Roz

God, how many times have I had that conversation?

Frasier

What would life be without the occasional surrender to impulse?

Roz

It's true, it does makes you feel alive.

Frasier

Doing things you know you shouldn't do.

Roz

With people you shouldn't be with.

Frasier

Right. [They look at each other.]

Roz

Right.

Frasier

[putting down his glass] You know, suddenly, this couch seems a little small for me.

Roz

Well the bed seems pretty big.

Frasier

It's a big bed.

Roz

It is.

Frasier

Roz...

Frasier

For God's sake!

Frasier

You all right?

Frasier

Kenny!

Kenny

I got stuck in the storm! Now they don't have a room for me. I hear we're in the same boat, huh Doc? Oh, hiya Roz.

Roz

Hey.

Kenny

Hey, cool wig!

Roz

Thanks.

Kenny

Hey, wait a minute, I'm not interrupting anything, am I? Pyjamas, champagne, a fire... [He winks broadly. They all laugh.] So, anyhow, can I bunk here?

Roz

Why not?

Frasier

No reason.

Kenny

Great, great. I really like that blonde hair, Roz. You better be careful though: get the doc here all hot and bothered. Ha ha. [Frasier and Roz laugh nervously.] Well, just gonna get out of these wet clothes. I had a heck of a time gettin' here. All these road look the same. [Frasier and Roz come together, looking into each other's eyes again.] I ended up taking a wrong turn... The last thing you want to do out here in these woods is take a wrong turn.

Frasier

[as Roz turns away] Quite right, Kenny.

Frasier

You know, I, I'm not sure the beard's really workin'. I probably should shave it off.

Roz

I wasn't gonna say anything, but yeah.

Kenny

I don't wear one of these snore strips, I'm a buzz saw going through steel pipe. So, ah, "Rock, Paper, Scissors" for the sofa?

Roz

I'll take it.

Kenny

OK. Looks like it's you and me in the bed, Doc.

Frasier

OK.

Kenny

[climbing into bed] But I warn you, I'm a roller. What was I thinking, drinking all that coffee on the way up here? I'm gonna be up all night, I am WIRED. [He rolls over, taking all the covers with him.]

Frasier

Uh, Kenny, do you think you could, uh... [Loud snores from Kenny's side.]

Roz

[over the back of the couch as she settles down] Goodnight, Frasier.

Frasier

Goodnight, Roz.