Morning Becomes Entertainment

Frasier

Daphne!

Daphne

Hey.

Frasier

Hello, I thought you were spending the afternoon with Dad.

Daphne

He's in the loo. Why don't you join us?

Frasier

All right, thank you. [sits] Hey, did you happen to catch the show today? I was on fire. First caller was an agoraphobic — [fists the air] Boom! - knocked it right out of the park. Then, two troubled marriages and a compulsive over-eater — Boom-boom, Boom! I was a regular mental health dispensing machine.

Daphne

I did two loads of laundry and cut a piece of gum out of Eddie's hair.

Frasier

Now, Daphne, don't get down on yourself. The work you do at home is very important. In fact, I don't know what Dad and I are going to do once you're married.

Daphne

Thank you, Dr. Crane, that makes me feel better.

Frasier

Boom! Boy, there is no off-switch on this thing!

Daphne

Sadly, that's true. [laughs]

Frasier

Oh, there she is, the other half of our team. Roz, are you still as jazzed as I am?

Roz

They're taking us off the air! [sits]

Frasier

What?! Since when?

Roz

Well, while you were out looking for Gatorade to pour over yourself, Kenny came by and said he's yanking us for a week. He wants to try out that new show - you know, "Car Chat with Bob and Bethany."

Frasier

"Car Chat with Bob and Bethany," what the... [pauses] Ohhh, touché, Kenny. You are indeed a worthy adversary but you shall find I have a trick or two of my own! [laughs]

Daphne

You know, Dr. Crane, maybe a week off would do you some good.

Frasier

No, no, no, you don't understand. See, I'm actually renegotiating my contract right now, this is merely the station's tactic to try and get me to cave.

Roz

Well, I hope you're right.

Frasier

Well, of course I'm right; Bob and Bethany, Car chat, please! I mean how can anyone drone on for three hours about a subject that nobody even understands!

Roz

Yeah! We were there first!

Daphne

Don't worry, Dr. Crane, I'm sure you're right about these things. After all, you usually are.

Frasier

Well, thank you, Daphne, that's exactly what I needed to hear.

Daphne

Boom!

Frasier

Oh, hi Dad.

Martin

[sits] Boy, they really did a job in the men's room, didn't they?

Frasier

Oh, I hadn't noticed.

Martin

Fancy wallpapers, bright new tiles, even those little perfumed soaps that you like to use at home, Fras.

Daphne

Oh, for heaven's sakes, you went into the ladies room, you blind old sod! I've been begging him for months to get glasses.

Martin

Ladies room?! You're crazy, that guy was just in there.

Frasier

[calls over to the woman] Oh hi, Bethany. Listen, good luck in the slot next week.

Bethany

Thanks, we're pumped. [exits]

Frasier

Granted, Dad, Bethany may be a bit of a tough call, but still, you know, it wouldn't hurt to get a check-up.

Martin

Oh, come on, don't you start too. There's nothing wrong with my eyes. [picks up cream holder] Now, if you don't mind, I just want to sit here quietly and have a... [notices the cup he picked up] ...have a drink of cream, do you have a problem with that?! Good.

Daphne

Hi, Dr. Crane.

Frasier

Oh, hello, Daphne. Say, you know my agent, Bebe, said she might be stopping by. Have you heard anything?

Daphne

No, and I hope she's not staying for lunch, I'm afraid we're fresh out of live mice.

Martin

Hi, Fras.

Frasier

Dad.

Frasier

Is it my imagination or are those ladies' glasses?

Daphne

Yes, but don't you say anything. I had to drag him down to the store. He tried on every pair in the place, those were the only ones he liked.

Martin

[enters] So, how do you like the new specs?

Frasier

They certainly are eye-catching.

Martin

Yeah. You should have seen the looks I got all day. Mostly from women. You know, I'd like to think it was me but I've got an idea that these frames were designed with an eye to pleasing the ladies.

Frasier

I'd say that's a safe assumption. [laughs with Daphne]

Martin

Have you seen the case for them? I don't know what I did with it.

Daphne

Yes, I think I popped them into my purse, check my room.

Martin

Okey-doke. Oh, wait till you see this case, Fras. This Loren guy really knows what he's doing. [exits to Daphne's room]

Frasier

Ralph Lauren?

Daphne

Sophia. [giggles]

Frasier

I'm amazed you could keep a straight face all day.

Daphne

Well, I've done enough clothes shopping with your father. [doorbell sounds] I'm pretty good at pretending to like things, no matter how horrifying I find them.

Daphne

[cheerful pretense] Bebe, how nice to see you.

Bebe

Frasier, my favorite client, Seattle's golden-throated gift to the airwaves.

Frasier

[kissing her cheeks] So, I take it negotiations aren't going so well?

Bebe

You remember that insulting figure you said you'd never accept?

Frasier

Uh-huh.

Bebe

They haven't come up to it yet.

Frasier

Oh, dear.

Niles

[at open door] Knock, knock.

Frasier

Oh, come on in, Niles. Bebe's just bringing me up to speed on her depressing news about my contract negotiations.

Bebe

Don't worry, dear, I just need to find a way to throw a scare into 'em.

Niles

Have you tried turning into a bat?

Bebe

I would, love, but most grown men don't share your fear of tiny creatures!

Frasier

Could you two please catch up later?

Bebe

I did get one offer that I thought might give us some leverage. It's a TV job.

Frasier

Television?

Bebe

Unfortunately it's all wrong for you. They want you and Roz to host "AM Seattle" next week.

Niles

That vapid morning chat show?

Bebe

Exactly what I told them. Frasier Crane is a doctor! He heals the masses, he doesn't pander to them. He's not going to do some silly morning kaffeeklatch, no matter how fabulously popular it is.

Frasier

No, it's quite right, Bebe. That sort of show, it's beneath me.

Bebe

Exactly.

Frasier

It's undignified.

Bebe

Horribly.

Frasier

Still...

Bebe

I'm listening.

Frasier

If there were a way to do it with a bit more dignity, some polish and substance...

Bebe

Why didn't I think of that?

Frasier

You know, a dash of high society, a dollop of culture...

Niles

I can't believe you're even considering this. The show is nothing more than a mélange of bad jokes and mind-numbing banter.

Frasier

Yes, well, it doesn't have to be, Niles, don't you see? I mean, if I could choose the guests myself-

Bebe

You can.

Frasier

And control the content-

Bebe

You could.

Frasier

Well, then, I'd accept.

Bebe

We did. [realizes] I mean, we will. In fact, why don't I call them right now with the exciting news. [takes out phone and a cigarette] May I?

Frasier

On the balcony, if you don't mind.

Bebe

Mind? I don't want a single puff tearing up the baby blues of TV's newest sensation. By this time next week...

Niles

You heard him, if you're gonna blow smoke, do it on the balcony.

Niles

Well, I can't say I'm surprised.

Frasier

What is that supposed to mean?

Niles

Only that something like this was inevitable. It's the final step in your descent from legitimate psychiatrist to dancing bear.

Frasier

Niles, we are talking about doing a sophisticated television show for one week in order to improve my contract negotiations.

Niles

This has nothing to do with your contract negotiations! You have been an applause junky ever since you first set foot on a grammar school stage.

Frasier

I was drawn to the theatre because of its discipline and collaborative spirit!

Niles

Oh please, in your sixth grade production of "Oklahoma!" you took so many curtain calls, Mrs. Van Raphorst had to lasso you and pull you from the stage!

Frasier

That woman never understood me or the role of Farmer Number Three!

Niles

Oh, I'm just wasting my breath. As usual you have fallen under the spell of that sorceress out there.

Frasier

I have done no such thing. I wish you would just lay off of Bebe. You know, she is not some malign witch who can transform people at will!

Martin

I can't find a damn thing in this purse! [exits]

Niles

If I say I'm sorry, will she change Dad back into a man?

Frasier

Well, it took several of your best people, but I believe they have finally wrestled this feisty cow-lick of mine into submission. So, are we ready to roll?

Matt

Not quite, your partner's not here.

Frasier

Roz is not here? But we're on in four minutes.

Matt

No, at this point a re-run is on in four minutes.

Bebe

Don't worry, Matt, she'll be here.

Matt

We won't even have time to put her through make-up.

Bebe

A natural beauty like Roz? Oh, please, darling, pinch her cheeks, stand back and watch her glow.

Roz

Hey, sorry I'm late.

Frasier

Roz, oh for God's sakes, you look awful, are you sick?

Roz

No, of course not, I wouldn't be sick for our big debut. I'm totally fine.

Frasier

[feels her forehead] Roz, you're burning up!

Roz

Well, it's kinda hot in here, maybe it's all these lights. Let me just get this jacket off!

Frasier

No, no, Roz, stop, stop!

Matt

She's delirious!

Bebe

With anticipation, darling. Don't worry, I'll calm her down.

Bebe

Pull yourself together, do you hear me?! We need this show!

Matt

All right, everyone, we're doing a re-run, let the audience go, cue the tapes.

Bebe

Wait? Can't Frasier do the show without her?

Matt

This is a chat show, who's he going to chat with?

Bebe

Me, I'll go on with him.

Frasier

You? [shakes Roz] Pull yourself together, Roz!

Matt

I don't think so, Bebe.

Bebe

Why not? All he needs is someone to suck up to him, laugh at his jokes, pretend to listen to his stories. I'm his agent, for God's sakes, that's what I do!

Frasier

You know, I believe she could pull it off.

Matt

The problem is she needs to be likable.

Frasier

Right. Do I at least get to keep the suit?

Bebe

Hold on, I can be likable. I can also be very un-likable. Maybe if you explained the difference to poor confused Bebe. For instance, what you were doing in the dressing room with the wardrobe girl an hour ago - would your wife find that likable or unlikable?

Matt

[worried] Could you put some make-up on this woman?

Manager

Okay, folks, sixty seconds.

Frasier

All right, Bebe, just follow my lead. I'll introduce us and then I'll get to our guests, all right?

Frasier

Wasn't our first guest Susan Sontag?

Bebe

She had a conflict. Don't worry, we've got a fabulous replacement.

Frasier

[reading] "Baby Leo, the world's biggest two year-old"?!

Bebe

You're gonna love him. Just remember to lift with your legs.

Frasier

[throws down the cards] That's it, this is unacceptable.

Bebe

Ohhh, now who's the world's biggest baby?

Frasier

Bebe, I will not do this show...!

Manager

[over Frasier's protests] And we're on in five, four...

Frasier

Hi, welcome to "AM Seattle." I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.

Bebe

And I'm Bebe Glaser.

Frasier

We're gonna be your hosts this week and believe me, we've got some great shows lined up for you. But before we get to our guests I'd like to take a few moments to share with you a few thoughts I've prepared on a very special time of the day, the time that we'll be spending together, morning. A new beginning. A daily rebirth, if you will.

Matt

What the hell is this? Banter, banter. [he mimes banter to Bebe]

Frasier

And even though AM stands for Anti-Meridian, if you simply put them together, they also make up the word "am" as in "I am."

Bebe

Whoa! Not before my coffee! As you can see, Frasier has a way with words, but did you also know that he has a way with voices.

Frasier

Excuse me?

Bebe

Who wants to hear Frasier's famous Sean Connery impression?

Frasier

[Sean Connery voice] Now, Now, Moneypenny, you're embarrassing me.

Bebe

Dr. Frasier Crane, ladies and gentlemen. Anymore impressions, Frasier?

Frasier

You know what, maybe I should just get back to my...

Bebe

Now, don't be shy! Who wants to hear Frasier do more impressions?

Frasier

It's just that I'd hate to take time away from our other guests. I believe that [in James Mason voice] James Mason may be stopping by to visit.

Frasier

Well, this has been some week.

Bebe

It's really flown by.

Frasier

Hasn't it?

Bebe

Whoosh!

Frasier

A-whoosh!

Bebe

And there's even time for Thursday's kitchen corner. We'll be right back with Chef Frasier.

Matt

And we're clear.

Frasier

Bebe, "Kitchen corner?" I thought we had the violin prodigy up next. For God sakes, we've bumped Kim Lee twice this week.

Bebe

I know, but we're running short of time and the cooking segment's going to be bopo!

Frasier

Well, all right, but I insist Kim Lee play over the closing credits, all right? We're not running some sort of tacky, run-of-the-mill morning show!

Director

Here's your chef's costume. [he takes it in anguish]

Bebe

Now, now, big dear. You know, Frasier, the most magical thing happened to me last night during dinner.

Frasier

Really?

Bebe

I was recognized.

Frasier

Intoxicating, isn't it? Gosh, I myself, no stranger to celebrity, have noticed more heads swiveling in my direction.

Matt

And we're back in five, four, three, two...

Frasier

Welcome back.

Bebe

Frasier, I hear you're quite the gourmet.

Frasier

Oh please, I don't do anything fancy. A few soufflés, a flambé or two, just good eats! Now, this morning I'm going to be making my signature breakfast for you. That's "Eggs Pelemo Fontana."

Bebe

Mmmm, makes my mouth water. But before we start, I have a little sweetheart backstage who's dying to come out and give you a hand.

Frasier

Is it Kim Lee?

Bebe

Not even close. It's Bobo, the cooking chimp!

Frasier

[covering] Ho-ho, that's very funny, it is. This has Matt's fingerprints all over it!

Bebe

We thought it might be great fun if you were to match your skills against him.

Frasier

Oh, I don't know, Bebe. Er....

Bebe

Well, let's let the audience decide. How many of you want to see the monkey make eggs? [they all clap] Now, how many of you want to see Bobo make eggs?

Frasier

Ouch! [laughs] Well, all right, apes before beauty!

Bebe

Frasier, Bobo, may the best chef win!

Frasier

Now, the first rule of boute cusine is to be sure that you have all of your ingredients at hand. You see, we have eggs, milk, butter, spinach and of course our old friend, the shallot!

Frasier

Why, look at that, he's not even pre-heating the pan, the beast! [laughs]

Bebe

Bobo's getting an early lead.

Frasier

It's very important to keep your eggs light and fluffy, so what you want to do is add a bit of milk and a touch of flour.

Frasier

Now this whole thing was improvised.

Daphne

You're kidding, it's like you and the chimp have been working together for years!

Martin

Boy, that's great stuff, Frasier. You know, I can't tell you how impressed the guys at McGinty's are that I have such a famous son.

Frasier

Really? What do they say?

Martin

Well, they don't say anything to my face, but when I walk in they kind of nudge each other and whisper.

Daphne

[responding to a bell heard in the kitchen] That'll be my Shepherd's Pie. [exits to kitchen]

Martin

Shepherd's Pie? [takes glasses off]

Frasier

You know, I must confess, there's a part of me that wishes I could still do the TV show. [doorbell]

Martin

Well, there's a part of me that wishes that monkey was cooking dinner instead of you-know-who... but we put our dreams away!

Frasier

Oh, hi, Roz. Well, don't you look nice. Are you feeling better?

Roz

Yes, thank you. Can we talk?

Frasier

Well, of course, come on in. What's the matter?

Roz

Well, I talked to my friends in business affairs and they say they're ready to close our deal but Bebe's holding it up.

Frasier

Well, of course she's holding it up, she's trying to make them sweat a little bit. That's the whole strategy behind the TV show: leverage.

Roz

Yeah, well, I heard a rumor that "AM Seattle" isn't happy with their regular hosts and I think she's angling for you to take over. So where does that leave me?

Frasier

Well, even if that was Bebe's plan, you're forgetting that it's still my career and I'm calling the shots. There is no way I would continue doing "AM Seattle."

Roz

Yeah, well, you look like you are having the time of your life.

Frasier

I'm playing a character! There is a big difference between "Dr. Frasier Crane, psychiatrist" and "Frasier Crane, the guy who starts your morning right." I'll tell you what. I will speak to Bebe when we're in the chair. Oh, that's the industry term for when we're getting our make-up put on.

Roz

Thanks, Frasier. [picks up Martin's glasses] God, this is so weird! Daphne usually has such great taste, what was she thinking with these glasses?!

Frasier

Well, actually, Roz...

Roz

[laughing, puts them on] I've gotta go see what these look like.

Martin

Hi, Roz.

Roz

Hey. [she closes the door]

Martin

He-he-he, somebody ought to tell Mr. Doyle she's wearing a dude's glasses!

Frasier

Oh, Kiki, you're a magician.

Bebe

Frasier, you're not going to believe the wonderful news I just got: they want us to stay on.

Frasier

What?!

Bebe

Yes, we had the highest ratings the show's had all year.

Frasier

I don't believe this, Roz was right. You had no intention of negotiating my radio contract.

Bebe

...I don't expect gratitude, Frasier. Just a little faith. I finished your KACL contract this morning. [hands it over]

Frasier

You did?

Bebe

And I did quite a good job, I might add.

Frasier

Oh, I'm sorry, Bebe, I owe you an apology... [reads it] Well, this is wonderful, got an extra week's vacation and a very handsome raise.

Bebe

It's garbage compared to what they'll give us to stay on here. You'll get an expense account, a wardrobe allowance, not to mention a car and driver.

Frasier

No, no, let's not forget why I took this job. It was to raise my profile, to get a better deal with the radio contract, and we've done that, Bebe. And I thank you.

Bebe

You're welcome, darling, and I respect your choice.

Frasier

Thanks.

Bebe

Now, let's talk about today's show.

Frasier

Right.

Bebe

We start with the Friday Fiesta, here are our costumes... [hands over Mexican ponchos] and then we move on to the Girl Scout cookie-selling champ... [Bebe turns to tears] and then we...

Frasier

Bebe, are you all right?

Bebe

I spent my life in the wings, it was just nice having my moment in the spotlight. The rush when that little red light on camera turns on... [captivating him] The stupid masking tape on that dressing room door with my name on it...

Frasier

The stage door johnnys, or whatever that strange man with the autograph book calls himself...

Bebe

Admit it, darling, you want this as much as I do. I saw it in your eyes during the pie-eating contest. Nobody loves blueberries that much, it's the audience you love!

Announcer

[o.s.] Are you ready for Bebe and Frasier?

Bebe

Listen to them! They want you!

Frasier

They do want me, don't they?

Bebe

Tell me to tear up the contract, Frasier.

Frasier

Maybe it is time for a change...

Niles

[moves in] Get away from him, you she-thing!

Frasier

Niles!

Niles

It's a good thing Dad started choking on that peanut or I would have never come back here for water. Stop this madness!

Bebe

He can't stop it, no one can, show business is in his blood!

Niles

No, psychiatry is. Frasier, you're a healer.

Bebe

Anyone can heal. You're better than that, [eyes light up] you're an entertainer!

Frasier

Oh God, Niles, she's right. I love the audience. I know it's shallow but it makes me feel alive.

Niles

Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look in this outfit? Frasier, I know I sometimes I make light of your radio show, but the truth is you provide help and hope and comfort to people who need it. I have always envied you that.

Bebe

Don't listen to that drivel!

Frasier

He's right, Bebe. I'm a psychiatrist, I can't do the show anymore. I'm sorry.

Bebe

Then quit! Who needs ya? I'll find some other stuffed shirt who's happy to ride my coat tails to fame. [beat] Niles, you're a doctor.

Frasier

[stands between them] Niles, don't look into her eyes!

Bebe

Well, that's it... the dream is over.

Matt

[o.s.] Thirty seconds!

Bebe

But I'm still a professional. [puts on her oversized sombrero] There's an audience out there waiting for two people to ride in on a donkey. I don't know about you, but I'm not going to let them down. [mounts the donkey]

Niles

[off Frasier's glance] It's your last show. Get out there!

Frasier

Thanks, brother, for keeping me grounded.

Niles

Vaya Con Dios!

Announcer

[o.s.] And here they are, Bebe and Frasier!