Father Of The Bride

Roz

[sitting] Oh hey, Frasier. Catalogues?

Frasier

Yes. I'm trying to find the perfect wedding gift for Daphne and Donny.

Roz

Oh, right. Well, I guess now that they've set a date, I'll be getting my bridesmaid draft notice.

Frasier

You know Roz, she might not even ask you.

Roz

[positive] Oh, she'll ask me. They all do. The next thing I know I'm wearing some revolting puffy-sleeved dress made from the same material that keeps the space shuttle from burning up on re-entry.

Frasier

You know, Roz, Daphne might just surprise you and pick a dress you like.

Roz

Oh, impossible. They're always ugly; that's why the bride makes sure she's the prettiest one at the wedding.

Frasier

That's awfully cynical.

Roz

Oh yeah, when was the last time you found yourself staring at the bridesmaid instead of the bride? [signals to the waitress]

Frasier

That would have been at my wedding to Lilith.

Niles

Hello Frasier.

Frasier

Oh, Niles.

Niles

Frasier, do you remember the time the Kreizel brothers tied me to their Great Dane and lobbed meatballs down their gravel driveway?

Frasier

I've told you Niles, I would have helped you, but their sister was holding me down.

Niles

No, my point is - [to waitress] Cappuccino, please [to Frasier] - even that experience was less painful than the date I was just on. She was... [takes a cat hair from his jacket and puts it on the floor] ...a cat person. She brought her cat on our date. Well, she had good reason, it was Mr. Waggles's birthday. Actually his birthday party. Actually, his surprise birthday party.

Frasier

I'm sorry, where on earth did you meet this woman?

Niles

At Nordstroms. We both reached for the same cashmere throw and she said she needed something to keep her waggles warm. I thought it was a coy euphemism. [the waitress brings his coffee] Thank you.

Frasier

Well, Niles, I certainly understand your being upset, but you know, you've got to keep on looking.

Niles

Well, trust me, with Daphne getting married, I have no choice but to press on. But I'm going to change my strategy. Do you recall, the other day at the health club, Tony Hubner gave me that phone number?

Frasier

Dear God, Niles, not a dating service?

Niles

No, it's not a dating service. An "Introduction Network" for busy professionals. I've given them my vital statistics, there's an extensive screening process, they bill me at the end of the month.

Frasier

Niles, please. They are all money-grubbing con-artists who prey on the pathetic and the lonely. God's sakes, you sign up with visions of some Ph.D., and what do they deliver? A buck-toothed librarian who needs help washing her mother! Are you really that desperate?

Niles

Half an hour ago, I had my back leg tethered to Mr. Waggles's forepaw and we came in third in the five-legged race.

Frasier

Geez, you'd think they'd let him win on his birthday.

Daphne

I know, mum, but it is my wedding. I've given into you on so many things. Couldn't this one thing go my way? [pause] I just don't like those tiny corns in my salad. [pause] No, I don't hate you. [pause] Well, that's just not true. I'm glad you're alive. [pause] All right, all right, tiny corn it is. I've got to run now, cheery bye. [hangs up] That was mum, she had a thought about the salad.

Frasier

Something tells me yesterday's crouton skirmish wasn't the end of it.

Daphne

I suppose she can be a bit overbearing. But as she often points out, she is paying for the wedding and I am her only daughter and giving birth to me was so painful she did bite through a kitchen spoon.

Frasier

Daphne, just don't let you mother guilt you into having the wedding she wants instead of the wedding you want.

Daphne

Oh, don't worry, mum already promised me I could have the wedding I want, as soon as I have a daughter who gets engaged.

Frasier

Hiya, Dad.

Martin

Oh, Fras. You'll love this stuff I got from the farmer's market. This guy takes the juiciest cut of filet mignon, slices it real thin and makes jerky out of it.

Frasier

Look Dad, I don't...

Frasier

Yes, if only I had a nice powdered Cabernet to go with it. Listen, have you given any thought to Daphne's wedding present?

Martin

Now Frasier, not everyone likes jerky as much as you and me.

Frasier

No, I just want to get her something special, especially since her mother seems to be taking all the joy out of it for her.

Martin

Oh, well, how about a nice piece of luggage? You know, a good hard suitcase, like the kind people used to put stickers on to show everybody where they've been. Remember your grandad's? His whole life was on it: Topeka, Sioux Falls, Biloxi... it was like a map of the world.

Frasier

What a loss to us all that he failed to write his memoirs. I'm thinking of something that would matter to Daphne. [hiccups] Oh, something that shows her how we feel. [hiccups] Good Lord, that's a little spicy, isn't it? [gets a bottle of water from fridge] You know, maybe we should get something for her wedding.

Martin

Like what?

Frasier

Well, I don't know, her flowers, say? That's it, we could offer to pay for her wedding flowers.

Martin

That's a bit pricy, isn't it?

Frasier

Well don't worry about it, Dad. [hiccups] You just donate what you can and I'll pay for the rest. [hiccups] God, what was in that jerky?

Martin

Well, you just ate it too fast. Next time you have to savor it a little.

Frasier

Dad, I'm never going to taste that vile stuff again. [hiccups] Oh, spoke too soon.

Frasier

Daphne, may I have a word with you, please?

Daphne

What is it, Dr. Crane?

Frasier

Well, it's about you wedding gift. Now, I know it's not traditionally the role of a friend but we consider you family, so please don't say no. Dad and I would be honoured to pay for your wedding... [hiccups]

Daphne

[taking it in] Pay for my wedding?

Frasier

[holds out his hand but hiccups]

Daphne

How wonderful! [hugs a hiccuping Frasier] I could never imagine.

Martin

What's all the hubbub?

Daphne

Dr. Crane, just told me about your incredible wedding present. You people are heaven-sent.

Martin

Well, I'm glad you like it. You know what, we're going to throw in a piece of luggage as well.

Daphne

[tearful] I'm just so overwhelmed.

Martin

See, I told you, everybody loves luggage.

Frasier

Dad, she thinks we're paying for her whole wedding.

Martin

What?

Frasier

Well, I tried to say wedding flowers, but then I hiccuped.

Martin

Well, I'm not paying for her wedding.

Frasier

Of course not, I'm just going to clear this whole thing up right now before it goes any further. [calls] Daphne!

Daphne

You know what this means, don't you? Now that mum's not paying, she can't make me have it in England. I can have my wedding how I want it, where I want it: right here. You've answered my prayers. [cries in delight and exits back to kitchen]

Daphne

[o.s] Could someone let Donny in?

Martin

Well look, Donny's a very traditional guy. He's not going to let us pay for his wedding.

Frasier

Right, you saw how he proposed to her; on bended knee. He's nothing but a hopeless romantic.

Donny

Any idiot knows you've got to pay a hooker in cash! I'm at a meeting, I'll call you later, bye. [hangs up and greets the rest] I've got this client, he's in the middle of a divorce, right, and his wife finds all these charges from this place called "Executive Match." It turns out to be a call girl service. When she gets through with him she'll have his house, his car, she'd have his beach house too if I hadn't already taken it. Women!

Donny

Hi, honey.

Daphne

Hi sweetie. [kisses him] Have they told you yet?

Donny

Told me what?

Daphne

You're not going to believe this, but Dr. Crane and his father have offered to pay for our entire wedding.

Donny

[takes it in] Is this a joke?

Frasier

It could be.

Donny

I mean, it's one thing for us to let your family pay, they're your parents, it's traditional. But this is...

Frasier

Going too far? Being presumptuous?

Martin

Yeah, we don't want to step on any toes.

Daphne

I didn't think you'd be uncomfortable with this.

Frasier

Well, he clearly is, Daphne.

Martin

Donny's right! We're not family.

Donny

Wait, wait, wait, what am I doing? Here you guys, you're making this lovely gesture and I'm just insulting you. I mean if you guys are not family to Daphne, then who is? Course you can pay for the wedding. Thank you, thank you.

Daphne

I just knew he'd see how much this meant to you. I'm tearing up again.

Donny

No, don't start with the water works because you're going to get me going. [notices jerky] What's this? Jerky? Can I have some of that?

Martin

Help yourself.

Donny

[reads box] Made from filet mignon. How much did this stuff set you back?

Frasier

You have no idea!

Daphne

Now, as far as the reception goes, I've narrowed it down to two places. I'm leaning towards "Captain Jonah's." The view of the water's lovely. But you have to walk through a whale's mouth to get inside.

Frasier

I hesitate to ask how you exit.

Daphne

I've got to run. I've a meeting with the DJ.

Roz

I thought she'd never leave!

Frasier

Good God, Roz, how long have you been there?

Roz

Since you two walked in and trapped me.

Frasier

Aren't you taking this a bit too far just trying to avoid an unflattering dress?

Roz

Yeah, I thought you'd say that. That's why I've been carrying around this picture of the last time I was a bridesmaid.

Frasier

Good Lord, Roz, you look like you've been tented for termites.

Roz

Well, it sounds like she's having fun planning her wedding.

Frasier

Yes, well, now that she can have things her way and not her mother's.

Roz

She's lucky you came along.

Frasier

Well, yes and no. You know, I sit here and let her make questionable choices and I say nothing because I know it's going to cost me less. I'm sorry, I've got to change my thinking about this whole thing. What good is my money, if I'm denying her the best gift I have to offer: my taste and expertise? Frankly, what Daphne really deserves is the gift of Frasier.

Roz

Suddenly that crock pot I'm giving them doesn't sound so bad.

Frasier

Oh, shut up!

Frasier

Hello, Niles. You look like a man who's been waiting to be asked why he's grinning.

Niles

Oh, I was just thinking about the other day when you said how you thought dating services were all a big con. Well, I just got conned into meeting the most enchanting woman.

Frasier

I don't know what to say.

Niles

And I owe it all to "Executive Match."

Frasier

Now I do. The name of this service is "Executive Match?"

Niles

Right, and you thought these women all beneath me.

Frasier

Beneath you and countless others. Niles, do you have any idea...

Niles

She's always on the phone. Whatever it is she does for a living, she's in great demand.

Frasier

So you have no idea what line of work Sabrina's in.

Niles

I'm guessing high-priced lawyer. I heard her quote her hourly rate on the phone. Believe me, you don't want to be on the receiving end of that bill. [laughs]

Frasier

Niles, I feel I must warn you...

Niles

Oh please, spare me your condescending advice. Why can't you simply say you were wrong?

Frasier

You have no idea what you're doing!

Niles

I know exactly what I'm doing! And you could learn a thing or two from me, Mister One-Date-And It's Over. I am taking it slow with Sabrina.

Frasier

You mean you haven't?

Niles

...haven't?

Frasier

Haven't...?

Niles

Oh, please! Are you mad, you don't proposition a woman like that on the first date. Last night, I dropped her home after dinner with nothing more than a courtly kiss on the wrist. Tonight may proceed to hand holding. If all goes well, in two weeks I shall storm the citadel of her womanhood.

Niles

Sabrina, this is Frasier.

Frasier

Hello, lovely to meet you.

Sabrina

Nice to meet you. You really have a great brother. He's charming and witty and intelligent and handsome. [laughs]

Niles

I paid her to say that. [laughs]

Frasier

Of course you did!

Frasier

Finally, the doves have arrived. Come in, come in. [he does] [to florist] Lathbert, thank you so much for coming, lovely flowers, I'll let you know.

Daphne

[enters and closes door] Dr. Crane, was that the florist for my wedding?

Frasier

In his dreams! God, the man's arrangements are one big cliché. Look at this, his answer to everything is baby's breath, baby's breath, baby's breath. [points to flowers]

Daphne

Does that woman with the harp have something to do with my wedding too?

Frasier

No, Daphne, she's selling them door to door. Of course it's for your wedding. She's auditioning.

Daphne

Dr. Crane, I really don't think...

Martin

Oh good, Daphne, you're here too. Listen, I want to show you guys a little something I thought up for the wedding. [acting as a minister] It is now the time in the ceremony for the rings. May I have them, please?

Martin

Course, it's a lot more effective when he's in his little tux.

Frasier

Dad, please, it's all just a bit much, isn't it? We don't want to turn this wedding into a circus. Now, the dove man.

Daphne

Dr. Crane, about the doves...

Frasier

Just picture it, Daphne. Aren't they something? As you and Donny exit the church one dozen white birds of peace will be released and circle above. Of course, we'll use fourteen in actuality - the power lines always take out a few.

Daphne

Dr. Crane, about the doves, well it just seems a little grand. I mean, what's wrong with throwing a bit of rice?

Frasier

Well, if you want rice, of course, you'll have rice. [then] Sometimes it seems nothing I do is good enough.

Daphne

No, no, no, I suppose doves will be fine.

Martin

[noticed a reverend in the kitchen] Frasier, is that Reverend Franklin in the kitchen?

Frasier

Yes it is, Dad.

Martin

You're auditioning our minister for the wedding?

Daphne

Don't you think Donny and I should have a say in who marries us?

Frasier

Of course, Daphne, I'm just whittling down the possibilities. The final choice is yours.

Marco

Who's tasting the first course?

Frasier

Oh, that would me. [Marco exits]

Daphne

Who's that?

Frasier

That's Chef Marco from the Mercer Club, Daphne. Today we'll be sampling each of our four courses.

Daphne

No, I was planning on serving a buffet. That way people can mingle, it's more festive.

Frasier

We are talking about your wedding, not brunch with all the fixin's at "Billy Bob's Blackjack Boomtown."

Niles

Hello, Frasier, you remember Sabrina.

Frasier

Yes, of course, lovely to see you. Niles, what are you doing here?

Niles

Oh, we're out for an afternoon of bird watching. It's the start of mating season, you know. [winks at Frasier] Just wanted to introduce my new girlfriend to Dad. Dad, this is Sabrina.

Martin

[impressed] Hey, nice to meet you.

Sabrina

Nice to meet you too. I should really call my office, about how long do you think we'll be gone?

Niles

Er, about eight hours.

Sabrina

Great!

Roz

Oh, Daphne, I didn't know you were going to be here. I just want to drop these off for Frasier. [hands them to her]

Daphne

Roz, I'm glad you dropped by, I need to talk to you about my wedding. Do you mind if we speak in the hallway?

Roz

Actually, I don't have much time.

Daphne

[follows her into hallway and shuts door behind her] Well, then I'll get right to it.

Deliveryman

Excuse me, do you know where Dr. Crane lives?

Daphne

Right here, can I help you?

Deliveryman

I'm dropping off this bridesmaid dress.

Daphne

Oh, I'll take that. I'm the bride.

Daphne

What I need to ask you is, how do you ever get Dr. Crane to listen to you...

Roz

Is this the bridesmaid dress?

Daphne

He's driving me mad. He doesn't listen to anything I say...

Roz

The woman you ask to be bridesmaid gets to wear this?

Daphne

And the worst part is...

Roz

Is that silk?

Daphne

Well, he's just like my mother, controlling and stubborn. I mean, what am I going to do?

Roz

[then] Well, Daphne, it's your wedding. Just tell Frasier how you feel.

Daphne

Yeah, well that's a bit difficult for me. You see, there was no talking to my mother. Anytime I sort of tried all I hear is "Just do it my way, you'll thank me later." Every time she said that I just wanted to explode.

Roz

Look, Frasier's a reasonable guy. Just go in there and be direct.

Daphne

You're right, I'm going to and... Roz, I was going to ask you if you wanted to be one of my bridesmaids?

Roz

[obvious acting] Oh my God, are you serious? This is coming out of nowhere. I'd love to.

Daphne

Don't worry. Once I'm in charge you won't have to wear this thing Dr. Crane picked out. I mean, he calls this a bridesmaid dress! The sleeves aren't even puffy.

Martin

So, how long have you guys been seeing each other?

Sabrina

Let's see. Since we've met it's been about seventeen, no, eighteen hours.

Niles

She actually counts the minutes we've been together.

Frasier

Niles, may I see you in the kitchen?

Niles

Excuse me.

Daphne

[confronting] Dr. Crane, I need to talk to you.

Frasier

Not now, Daphne.

Daphne

[nervous] All right.

Niles

All right, what is it?

Frasier

Niles, it's about Sabrina. She's a prostitute.

Niles

Frasier, I don't like lawyers anymore than you do, but frankly a man whose face is plastered on every bus in town should be careful what terms he bandies about.

Frasier

Niles! "Executive Match" is an escort service. One of Donny's clients was caught using them.

Niles

I don't believe you.

Frasier

Niles, does Sabrina laugh at everything you say, is she fascinated by everything about you, even your collections?

Niles

Well, yes. Actually, I even showed her my rarely-seen collection of eighteenth century Portuguese bud vases.

Frasier

And how did she react?

Niles

Well, if you must know, she was rather aroused. She said she loved a man who collected porcelain and- [clicks] Oh my God, I'm dating a whore! They have my credit card number, I've been running up a tab! [looks at watch and calculates bill] I've got to get her out of here!

Niles

Sabrina, we should be going.

Martin

What's the hurry? We're having a nice conversation.

Sabrina

Yeah, I love your dad.

Frasier

Did I mention he used to be a police officer?

Sabrina

Maybe we should go. [gets up]

Franklin

Surely you can stay a little while, I haven't seen Niles in ages. [to Sabrina] You know, I used to teach him in Sunday school.

Martin

Oh, you know Reverend, I can still remember dropping him off for his first class. It seems like only yesterday.

Frasier

Oh, Daphne, I believe I have chosen your bouquet. [picks one up] It's hand-woven out of pygmy orchids.

Daphne

Dr. Crane, I really need to talk to you.

Frasier

Well, of course, Daphne. First let's sample the Porcinni mushrooms. They're exquisite.

Daphne

But I don't like mushrooms!

Frasier

You only think you don't, you haven't tried these.

Daphne

Dr. Crane, this is really...

Frasier

Try this for me, you'll thank me later.

Daphne

[bursts angrily] You'll thank me later?! I've heard that my whole life, well, no more! [chasing Frasier round the room] I'm doing my wedding my way. And if that means I want rice instead of doves and a DJ instead of a harp, then that's what I'll have. I don't want your advice, I don't want your money and I don't want your mushrooms. I'm in charge of this wedding now. [picks up bouquet] And what kind of a git walks down the aisle carrying something of pygmy orchids!

Martin

Is she all right?

Frasier

She's fine. We had a nice talk.

Martin

Well, that's good. Wedding still on track?

Frasier

Absolutely.

Martin

You just got a little carried away, that's all.

Frasier

Oh, I guess so, yeah. You know, it suddenly occurred to me when I was talking to Daphne that I never really got the wedding of my dreams either. Oh sure, you know, my first one was a little clandestine affair we dashed off at the city hall. I could have hardly imagined a wedding more lacking in ceremony. Until my second wedding, which was lacking a bride. Then came Lilith. If I knew then what I know now, I would have walked down the aisle with the ice sculpture and had her stand by the buffet table to keep the shrimp cold.

Martin

Oh, so you've had a few bad weddings.

Frasier

I guess I was just taking my last best shot at the wedding I shall never have for myself.

Martin

Oh, come on.

Frasier

Oh, let's face it, Dad: I'm no spring chicken. Do you really see me getting married again?

Martin

Well, I guess I've had my doubts, but right here, right now, I think: yeah, you're going to meet someone.

Frasier

Do you really think so?

Martin

Yes I do and I'll tell you why. If Niles can meet a great gal like Sabrina, then there's hope for all of us.