To Thine Old Self Be True
Aired 27th April 2000 · Written by Dan O'Shannon · Directed by Robert Egan
Frasier
Oh, er, Dad...
Martin
It's not here yet!
Frasier
How did you even...
Martin
You've been yakking about it for weeks! Your new blazer's coming, it's Italian, it's hand-stitched, it cost more money than my first car.
Frasier
Yes, well, it's made from very expensive material. They have to find exactly the right kind of goat.
Martin
Looks like they did!
Daphne
[enters with Frasier's breakfast from kitchen] Morning, Dr. Crane. I made you a special breakfast.
Frasier
Why, thank you, Daphne.
Daphne
After all, blazer-day comes but once a year! [exits]
Frasier
The doorman said he was on his way up with it. I wonder what's keeping him?
Frasier
Regan.
Regan
Frasier! Long time no see.
Frasier
Yes, it has been.
Regan
I think the last time was when you came over with that bottle of wine.
Frasier
Oh, right. I met your charming boyfriend.
Regan
Scott.
Frasier
Scott.
Regan
And he's not my boyfriend anymore.
Frasier
Oh, well, he wasn't really all that charming...
Regan
[laughs as doors open] Well, it's nice seeing you again, Frasier.
Frasier
Likewise.
Frasier
Wasn't that interesting? I just ran into Regan. Seems she's not seeing that Scott anymore.
Martin
What, the ballplayer, is she nuts? He had money and looks, the whole package.
Frasier
Dad, let him go!
Martin
Are you going to ask her out?
Frasier
I don't know, every time I've had a chance to get close to Regan, it seems I end up looking ridiculous. Still, she did make a point of letting me know she was single again. Perhaps she's hinting for another ride on the "Frasier-go- round."
Martin
Now, if we could just figure out why you always look ridiculous!
Donny
Look, please, you're my last chance, Vinny's already... No, I understand, I understand, don't worry about it, bye. [hangs up]
Frasier
Problem?
Donny
Yeah, it's my bachelor party, my best man can't arrange it and I'm having a hell of a time trying to find somebody to fill in.
Frasier
Well, Donny, if you're looking for someone to throw you an appropriate shindig, I'd be willing to volunteer.
Donny
Oh. [worried] No, no, no, no, I don't think so, it's okay, I just don't want to impose...
Frasier
No, no, it's no trouble at all, really.
Donny
[definite] No, no, no, no! It'll be fine, but thanks for the offer, though. [doorbell sounds] Frasier, I don't think we're talking about the same kind of party.
Frasier
Donny, if you're letting my reputation as an aesthete cloud your judgment, I assure you I am just one of the guys, capable of getting down and dirty with the rest of them! [laughs]
Doorman
Your jacket, Dr. Crane.
Frasier
[takes it] Dear God! You never fold cashmere, you'll mis- direct the knap! Get out! [closes the door] Donny, give it some thought.
Frasier
Morning, Roz.
Roz
Hey, Frasier. Help me decide something.
Frasier
All right.
Roz
I'm thinking about getting my eyes done. It's a little expensive...
Frasier
Now, now, Roz. Cosmetic surgery's a drastic step. I mean, if you're worried about those bags under your eyes, why don't you try just a different concealer, perhaps a good night's sleep once in a while.
Roz
I meant the laser procedure so I could see without my contacts!
Frasier
[to waiter] Can I have my usual, please? Thank you.
Niles
I just saw the most incredible thing, you won't believe it.
Roz
What is it?
Niles
You have to see it for yourself, mere words cannot... [notices Frasier's jacket] Ooh, new jacket?
Frasier
Yes, just came today.
Niles
It's nice stitching.
Frasier
Thank you, chrystal!
Niles
No.
Frasier
Yes.
Niles
Is there something wrong with the knap?
Frasier
Oh my God, is it that obvious...?
Roz
[annoyed] Would you knock it off, what is so amazing?
Niles
All right, come here, come here.
Niles
Right, you see that rotund woman coming out of "Chock Full Of Donuts"? [they nod] Watch, before she gets in her car she will finish that bear claw and then go back in, this is her third time.
Frasier
That's what you brought us over here for, to gawk at some poor woman's struggle with junk food?
Roz
Big deal, so she's overweight, you don't need to point it out!
Roz
It's rude.
Frasier
It's childish.
Niles
It's Maris!
Roz
[laughs] No way!
Frasier
Dear God, are you sure, Niles?
Niles
I'm positive.
Frasier
It's hard to believe that's the same frail woman who once sprained her wrist from having too much dip on a cracker.
Niles
Maris was always chubby as a child, her whole life she was obsessed with keeping weight off.
Roz
Something must have snapped!
Niles
But literally, when she saw me she swallowed and her necklace exploded from the pressure. Oh, oh, oh, there she goes, back for more.
Frasier
Gosh.
Niles
You know, when I last saw her at Christmas she was her usual tiny self.
Frasier
Wait, Niles, wasn't that about the time you started dating her plastic surgeon?
Niles
Actually, it was. Do you think that could have triggered some sort of binge?
Frasier
Well...
Niles
Well, this isn't going to help. [hands him newspaper] Mel and I are in the society page today, that's our picture at the symphony benefit. I shudder to think how Maris'll react to that, you know how petty and jealous she can get.
Frasier
They never take a photo of me and I'm in the conductor's circle!
Roz
Well, she moved next door to "Italian Deli." The guy just took the two-foot salami out the window.
Niles
I can't face her now. That salami string should keep her busy until I can get to my car.
Frasier
Niles...
Roz
[notices] Hey, is that Niles in the paper?
Frasier
Yes, he just happened to have a copy with him! As if anyone cares about such trivial matters!
Roz
Oh, yeah, right. This is eating you up, you live for this hoity-toity crap.
Frasier
Thank you, I certainly do not. Why does everyone think that? You know, just this morning, Donny said I was too fussy to throw him a bachelor party.
Roz
Well, you did give off kinda a fussy vibe.
Frasier
Well, there are other sides to my personality. I remember back in my Boston days, you know, I mean, I had a regular bar and a regular bar stool, I even had a tab!
Roz
Well, if you go back you should try having a beer!
Frasier
[gives her a look] Oh gosh, you know, maybe I have become stuffier. The highlight of my week was the arrival of my hand-tailored coat. Maybe it's time I loosened up a bit, try to tone down the whole fuddy-duddy image. [dials mobile] Oh, Donny, it's Frasier. Listen, I would really like to throw that bachelor party for you. No, no, I assure you I know what goes on at one. Yes, I'm quite, quite qualified. Oh really? I promise you a night of such unrepentant debauchery that the mere memory will delight you in your old age, that is if you should survive the night! [laughs, then to Roz] Do you think I'm overselling it a bit?
Roz
Maybe a tad.
Frasier
All right. [to Donny] That's great, oh, great, great, thanks, Donny. I'll tell you what I'm going to do, I'm going to go out and find you a stripper! He-ha, maybe even more than one. [laughs] You bet! [hangs up]
Roz
Strippers, huh?
Frasier
You betcha, a couple of real red hot mommas!
Roz
You don't even know where to find one, do you?
Frasier
Not a clue!
Frasier
[pulling his coat] Damn! Damn! Damn! Open, damn you!
Regan
Frasier.
Frasier
[notices her] Regan! Well, this is certainaly my lucky day, running into you twice. Gosh, I guess this must look a little strange.
Regan
Really, it's none of my business.
Frasier
No, no, actually, it's quite an amusing story. You see, I was just getting a "Seattle Times" here and I got my coat stuck in the machine.
Regan
That's not the "Seattle Times."
Frasier
Hmm? [looks at the paper] Dear God! They should label these things more clearly, this is some sort of a smut rag!
Regan
It was nice seeing you.
Frasier
Regan... Regan...! Ah...
Frasier
[on phone] Well, if you get any in, could you please call me? Thank you. [hangs up] Gosh, I'm off to one helluva start with this bachelor party. First the debacle with Regan, now "Sid's Novelty Shop" is completely out of naughty coasters.
Martin
Oh, would you stop moping, it'll all work ass.
Frasier
For God's sakes! What the hell are you doing?
Donny
Honey, if your head hurts, you don't have to go.
Daphne
No, I'll be fine. Oh, Dr. Crane, I just want to tell you how happy I am you're throwing Donny's bachelor party.
Frasier
Oh, well, there you see, at least someone thinks I'm capable of throwing a...
Donny
[interrupting] ...nice low-key party just like my honey bunny insisted.
Daphne
Honestly, why men have to celebrate getting married by having bouncing buzzums shoved in their faces. [Donny pretends to act disgusted] If I know Dr. Crane, your party'll be over by nine- thirty, we could all go out for dinner afterwards.
Donny
Oh, that'd be swell.
Frasier
Gosh, you know, if Daphne's so down on this whole bachelor party idea, maybe I should throw a more sedate one. I don't want to get Donny in trouble.
Martin
Listen, your job's to give him the party he wants. Everything else is between them. It's absolutely none of your boobs!
Dinah
Frasier Crane?
Frasier
Yes.
Dinah
I'm looking into a report of vandalism of a newspaper vending machine on Euclid Avenue, does that sound familiar to you?
Frasier
Well, I may have been in the area earlier today, er...
Dinah
Somebody on the scene recognized you as the perpetrator. Are you away of the penalty for vandalism?
Martin
Uh-oh!
Frasier
Well, I may have dented the machine a little, but I...
Dinah
[pushes him back onto couch] Frasier Crane, you have the right to remain... [takes hat off and dangles her hair] ...aroused. [she rips open her coat showing him her blue sparkely bra as music begins to play from her belt] Anything you see can be rubbed against you. [she begins to clamber on top of him, he holds her back]
Martin
She's a stripper!
Frasier
I get it, Dad. Thank you, officer.
Martin
I knew that Daphne was going to be gone most of the afternoon so I figured I'd help you out. Boy, if you hire her for Donny's party, he'll put you in his will.
Dinah
So, do I get the job? [Daphne enters]
Frasier
I think you certainly seem qualified. Er, overqualified!
Daphne
What's going on?
Martin
Daphne!
Frasier
Er, well this is [reads badge] Officer Nasty. She's leaving the police force and I'm thinking of hiring her as the housekeeper, you see. I mean, once you marry Donny, you'll still be Dad's physical therapist, of course, but, er, we'll need someone around here to help with the chores, won't we?
Martin
Weren't you supposed to be out with Donny today?
Daphne
Yeah, I was, but I've got a splitting headache. So, how long have you been on the force?
Frasier
You know, er, I was just about to show the officer around the house and, er, discuss terms. [doorbell sounds]
Daphne
All right, it was nice meeting you, Officer Nasty.
Dinah
Yeah.
Mel
Don't tell me to calm down! It's a complete disaster, she'll ruin me.
Martin
What's going on?
Niles
It's Maris, she saw the picture of us today and she's determined to take it out on Mel.
Mel
Yes, she's telling everyone I caused her weight gain by nicking her thyroid during a neck tuck. I've already had three cancellations. She never thinks about anyone but herself! Daphne, get me a cup of tea.
Daphne
Actually, I have a bit of a headache.
Mel
Oh, you could be coming down with something, wash your hands first. [Daphne looks angry]
Niles
Oh, you've got to calm down, your shoulders are so tense. Oh, you know, Daphne gives a wonderful massage, it might be just the thing for you.
Daphne
Actually, I was planning on taking a nap.
Mel
Oh, good, so you're not busy. Shall we do it in your room?
Niles
You two run along, I'll take care of the tea. [touching Daphne's hand] I really appreciate this, Daphne.
Daphne
[doing it just for Niles] You're welcome, Dr. Crane.
Martin
Niles, guess what your brother's doing?
Niles
Pressing his new blazer?
Martin
Yeah, against a stripper!
Niles
What?
Martin
Yes, he's interviewing her in his room for Donny's bachelor party, but don't tell Daphne.
Niles
And how exactly do you interview a stripper?
Martin
I don't know but I bet there's a real show going on in there.
Frasier
Keep the gun in it's holster until the very end, you see, that way your act has more... impact, shall we say? [takes gun out] Bang, bang, bang, bang.
Dinah
Men seem to like my act the way it is.
Frasier
Oh, well, I certainly can't tell you about attracting men but I do know a thing or two about showmanship. Tell me, what sort of encore do you have?
Dinah
I don't have an encore.
Frasier
Trust me, with this act we're going to need one. Er, I have an idea...
Niles
Well, Mel's all set up with Daphne.
Martin
Oh, maybe we ought to tell Frasier this is a good time to get that stripper out of here.
Frasier
Dad?
Martin
Fras, okay, coast is clear, everything's fine.
Frasier
Not exactly.
Martin
How did that happen?
Dinah
Lord of the Dance here decided I needed an encore.
Frasier
Well, I assumed you had the key.
Dinah
I never use them!
Frasier
Right, we'll just have to cut them off.
Martin
[heading to kitchen] All right, well come on in here.
Niles
[following her in admiration] I'm Niles.
Daphne
Now, you might come to a point where you feel like you can't take it anymore. I call that "phase one."
Mel
Are you sure you know what you're doing?
Daphne
I know exactly what I'm doing. [digs her elbow into the back of Mel's neck, making her scream again] Just relax.
Mel
Oh, this is all Maris's fault. You know, she actually called me and said she'd lay off if I stopped seeing him.
Daphne
What did you say?
Mel
Well, I hung up on her. How insane is this woman? She thinks I'd give up Niles to protect my practice? I'm crazy about him. The way he laughs, the way he gets that little glint in his eye when he's about to say something clever...
Mel
But do you know why I love him the most? It's like there are all these things that he could be if he could just trust someone enough to help him unlock it all. And if I could be that person - you know, that safe person in his life - well, the more I know him, the more I know that's all I want to be. [pause, as she realizes Daphne has stopped] Daphne?
Frasier
It isn't working Dad, there's only one thing left to do.
Martin
[panics] Well, I gotta warn you, I'm not as good a shot as I used to be. We'll have to go out on the balcony, I need a cup of coffee to steady my nerves!
Frasier
Dad! I meant go to a locksmith.
Martin
Oh, thank God, let's go.
Dinah
Well, wait, hold on, I have to put something on. [doorbell sounds]
Niles
Wait, I'll get it. [looks through spy glass] It's Maris. At least, I think it is. You need a bigger peep hole.
Frasier
What on earth is she doing here?
Niles
I have no idea, but we can't let her anywhere near Mel, especially now that Maris has the weight advantage.
Martin
Take her into Frasier's room.
Frasier
Wait, wait, wait, I can't let her see me like this, she'll blab it all over town.
Martin
Get in the bathroom, I'll call you when she leaves.
Frasier
You know, seeing as how we have a minute or two here, I may as well take this opportunity to end the suspense. You've got the job.
Dinah
I've got a little news for you too: I've been on the clock since you slapped the cuffs on me.
Frasier
Fair enough.
Dinah
It's freezing in here.
Frasier
Oh, let me. I seem to remember doing this back in my college days, fraternity hazing.
Frasier
There you are.
Dinah
Here we go. Thank you.
Frasier
It's hand-stitched.
Martin
[o.s.] Frasier, come on out.
Frasier
All right, we're outta here.
Martin
My God, have you seen Maris?
Frasier
Yes, Dad, I know. Did Niles calm her down?
Martin
Yeah, he took her to your room but he had to butter her up a little.
Frasier
I was afraid that narrow doorway might pose a problem.
Regan
Frasier.
Frasier
Regan, hello. Er, listen, sorry about this afternoon.
Regan
Oh, forget about that, it was no big deal. By the way I was wondering if you'd be available to...
Frasier
Good Lord.
Frasier
No need to be embarrassed about that, I do that sort of thing all the time. You were saying?
Regan
Let me get all this cleaned up first. [look at Frasier for help]
Frasier
There you go. You know, I'd gladly have helped you, it's just that I've hurt my back you see. Oh, oh gosh, oh, oh, it's seizing up again. You know, maybe it would be best if I just went back inside, crawled into bed, good night.
Frasier
It's going to be a moment.
Dinah
I figured.
Daphne
[o.s., entering] I'm just going to make us some tea.
Frasier
Back inside.
Mel
Frasier, you're a lucky man having this woman on your staff. Thank you again, Daphne.
Daphne
You're welcome.
Mel
Niles, where are you going with all that food?
Niles
Em... Dad is not feeling well, so I thought I'd bring him some comfort food. And, er, by the way, if anyone's going out, Dad specifically requested something called a chilupa.
Frasier
Er, Daphne, would you mind getting that?
Daphne
You're not serious?
Frasier
You are on the staff after all.
Regan
Hi, Daphne.
Daphne
Hey, Regan, come on in. [she does]
Regan
Em, oh, Frasier, I was concerned about your back.
Daphne
You hurt your back?
Frasier
No, no, it was just a spasm. See, leaning against the wall like this, it actually feels a lot better.
Mel
Is it upper back or lower?
Frasier
Middle. Actually, if you could all just leave me alone, really I'm fine just here.
Daphne
Why don't we just get you onto the couch?
Frasier
No, no, no, please, please, I know what I'm doing.
Regan
We'll each take a side.
Frasier
No, stop!
Mel
Frasier, it could be a parasic strain.
Daphne
Or a bulging disc.
Regan
Yes, impinging on your lumbar nerves.
Frasier
Yes, it could easily be anyone of those things, but did you also consider that it might be... [brings Dinah out] the stripper chained to my wrist!
Daphne
Officer Nasty!
Frasier
Everyone, this is Dinah. You see this all happened because I was trying to prove that I'm a normal guy, capable of doing normal guy things like throw a bachelor party - and Daphne, Donny didn't know anything about it so I wish you'd just lighten up. Regan, I can't even imagine where this must put us. I guess it's time I just accept the fact that things will never work out between us. You are certainly not to blame. After today, I can't see that any woman would even want to go out with me.
Dinah
I think I would.
Martin
Hey, Fras.
Frasier
Oh, hi, Dad.
Martin
[suggestive] How was your date?
Frasier
Well, it was nice. We had a beer, talked a bit...
Martin
She has a helluva body, doesn't she?
Frasier
Dad, that was not what this evening was about. This evening was about taking a chance, getting to know a different sort of woman. It turns out she's really quite interesting, Dinah. She's working her way through grad school, she lives with her mother, she's extremely well-read, she even speaks a couple of languages.
Martin
Well, it makes you wonder, doesn't it?
Frasier
Yes, it does, doesn't it? It makes you wonder how eager we are to judge a book by its cover, how willing we are to stereotype...
Martin
No, I mean, it really makes you wonder what that mother looks like!