The Three Faces Of Frasier

Daphne

Oh, don't you look nice.

Martin

Yeah, Frasier wanted me dressed up for this mystery lunch of his.

Daphne

Ha hasn't told you what the occasion is either?

Martin

No, [sarcastic] but I'm sure it's something very important. I'm sure he wants to unveil his new antique Elizabethan egg timer.

Daphne

[laughs] Or debut his pre-Columbian spoon rest.

Frasier

Hello, all. Well, Dad, I see you're ready to roll.

Martin

Can you at least tell us what kind of restaurant you're taking us to?

Frasier

Patience Dad, Roz will be here in a few minutes and then we'll be off and all will be revealed. [sits with them]

Daphne

So, how did it go with the doctor? Judging by that smile on your face I'm guessing your cholesterol's down.

Frasier

Well, after several weeks of watching my diet and taking my medication and race-walking every Tuesday... it hasn't budged. The good news is, though, that I've developed bursitis to take my mind off of it. The doctor says it's all just a matter of aging. Well, no reason to let it ruin our festive lunch.

Martin

Yeah, boy, you don't forget that trip to the doctor, do you? That day he says, "There's nothing I can do for ya, you're just getting old, sport."

Frasier

In my case it was "slugger" but that was the gist.

Martin

Yeah, well, you know what I realize? When people reach our stage of life...

Frasier

Dad, please, with all due respect, when it comes to life's journeys, you and I don't share a stage, we're not even in the same theatre.

Daphne

You're taking this all very cheerfully, Dr. Crane. [doorbell sounds]

Frasier

[moves to door] Well, why shouldn't I? In many ways my life couldn't be better. I mean, by and large, I'm in good health, there is a promising new relationship on the horizon - the lovely Rachel - [opens door to Roz] my career is thriving.

Roz

Did you say thriving or diving?

Frasier

What?

Roz

Look at these ratings.

Frasier

Oh, Roz, that's nothing to worry about for God's sakes, it's just leveling off.

Roz

Yeah, that's what tends to happen when you hit bottom.

Frasier

There's no cause for alarm here, Roz. The important thing is that we go on doing a quality show.

Martin

Hey, how about some quality lunch?

Frasier

A splendid idea, Dad. Off we go, then. Niles will be joining us there. [mobile phone rings, he answers] Hello? Ah, Rachel, yes. [Roz eavesdrops] Momentito.

Roz

So is Donny going to be joining us?

Daphne

No, he's got wedding business this afternoon, he's composing our vows.

Roz

Oh, isn't that romantic.

Daphne

He's not exactly Wordsworth strolling through a shady glen. When I left, he was lying on the couch in his underwear with a tin of Vienna sausages and a rhyming dictionary on his chest. [laughs]

Frasier

Well, remember that new promising relationship on the horizon?

Roz

Yeah.

Frasier

It just got married in Vegas last night.

Roz

Well, great, then you don't have a date for Daphne's wedding?

Frasier

Oh, I'll find a date, don't worry, Roz. Lunch awaits.

Roz

Why don't we go together?

Frasier

No, Roz, I assure you my dance card will be punched.

Roz

By who?

Frasier

Well, I don't know right now, it's just that I will be Crane plus one.

Roz

A-ha, well just in case you don't get a date, what time would you pick me up?

Frasier

I'm getting a date.

Roz

Just in case.

Frasier

I'm getting a date!

Roz

Well, what time are you picking her up?

Frasier

Three o'clock.

Roz

Well, would you make it three-thirty?

Frasier

I'm getting a date!

Daphne

So, what's the big occasion?

Frasier

Now, wait for it, Daphne, let the moment build. Besides, Niles hasn't arrived yet.

Martin

Oh, I'd be surprised if he came, he's terrified of this place.

Frasier

Still? My God, it's been thirty years!

Roz

What happened?

Martin

Oh, Hester and I brought the boys here when they were kids and Niles was running around, he bumped into the desert trolley and Stefano got hot and yelled at him and Niles got terrified and he, well...

Frasier

He vomited.

Martin

Right. All over Stefano's shoes. Then he ran out, hid behind the car and he hasn't been back in here since.

Roz

Poor little weenie.

Stefano

Hey, Dr. Crane, bon giorno, bon giorno.

Frasier

Good to see you, Stefano, how are you? Allow me to introduce you to Daphne Moon, my father Martin you remember? [points to Roz] And this is...

Stefano

Hey, we all know; Roz. All right, for today we've got some special dishes. For you, Dr. Crane, porccini fresh from Napa.

Roz

And for me?

Stefano

[brings over waiter] Giorgio fresh from Sicily! [laughs]

Roz

Can I get him to go?

Stefano

Okay, now, I'm going to be waiting on you myself today, 'kay? You just give me a minute, I'll come back.

Frasier

Oh, excuse me. [into phone] Hello? Yes, hello, Niles. Oh, really? Oh, what a shame.

Martin

Told ya.

Frasier

No, that's all right, your patient is having a crisis, you'd better address it, before it turns into a crippling, immature, life-long problem! [hangs up]

Daphne

You're not really mad at him, are you?

Frasier

Of course I'm mad at him. I'm certainly going to give him a piece of my mind at dinner tonight.

Roz

Tonight? Oh, I was hoping you'd come to Alice's birthday party. My balloon animal guy cancelled and I could really use your help.

Frasier

I'm sorry, Niles made the reservations a month ago, it's at "Quelque Chose!"

Roz

Fine.

Martin

Listen, if Niles isn't coming, maybe you can tell us what the big surprise is?

Frasier

Oh, all right, I'll spill. For over sixty years, Stefano's has immortalized Seattle's famous faces on its walls, as you can see. With one notable exception.

Frasier

It's me! Stefano's unveiling the portrait today.

Daphne

Oh, how wonderful.

Roz

Hey, that's what I'll do for Alice's party. I'll get a cartoonist to draw the kids.

Frasier

That's an excellent idea, Roz, but let's not forget why we're here, does anybody have a toast?

Stefano

Okay, Dr. Crane. Here it is.

Frasier

My portrait.

Stefano

No, it's today's specials! [laughs] Of course it's your portrait. Would you like to say a few words, or something...

Frasier

Well, if you insist.

Frasier

Before we unveil this picture, permit me to paint one of my own. A picture of a young Frasier Crane, wide eyed, gazing at the walls of Stefano's and wondering, "Who's that?" Well, little did I suspect that one day my picture would be on the wall and perhaps now other children will come in, gaze at it and wonder, "Who's that?"

Martin

I bet that's going to happen a lot!

Frasier

So, thank you, Stefano, for this honor.

Stefano

Thank you, for suggesting it. And now, I present, Il Dotoré, Dr. Frasier Crane!

Martin

Fras, will you let it go, it's a perfectly nice picture.

Frasier

Oh, so nothing about it jumped out at you as, oh, I don't know, encephalitic!

Martin

So they gave you a big forehead, who cares? It makes you look smart.

Frasier

It makes me look like I discovered fire!

Niles

Frasier, I was just leaving you a note apologizing for that flimsy excuse. I'm sorry, just the thought of going back to that place got my stomach doing flip-flops.

Niles

Oh, by the way, Daphne, the doorman gave me this, it's for you.

Daphne

[looks at it] No, it's for Donny.

Niles

No, it's for Mrs. Donny Douglas.

Daphne

[looks again] Funny, that's the first time I've seen my name like that.

Martin

Well, get used to it, that's you in a couple of weeks.

Niles

So, how was lunch? What was the big surprise?

Martin

Don't ask! The less said, the better.

Daphne

They put his picture on the wall and he thinks his forehead looks a touch too big.

Frasier

A touch?! I look like a fugitive from Easter Island!

Niles

Frasier, you always think you look bad in pictures.

Frasier

Niles, it's not some photo I can throw away, this is a picture of me in a famous restaurant. My God, I dreamed my entire life of being on that wall.

Niles

And now you are. Are you really so vain that that's not honor enough?

Frasier

Vanity has nothing to do with it! It's about misrepresentation! And you know, if I were you, I would be careful about bandying about the word vain, Mr. Two-Hundred-And-Fifty-Dollar-Haircut.

Niles

I have problem follicles.

Martin

Frasier, it's a caricature, they exaggerate stuff. Now, if it were me, they would have drawn maybe a big crane, if it were Niles, they'd draw a barber cutting the hair off a giant sucker!

Daphne

I know you're sensitive about your big forehead, but we all have stuff like that. With me it's my eyes. I've always fancied sparkling blue ones instead of dull old brown.

Niles

Your eyes? Your eyes are not dull!

Daphne

[blushing] Thank you, Dr. Crane, that's very nice.

Niles

They're warm and... full of life.

Daphne

You have beautiful eyes too.

Daphne

Oh goodness, I can't be lollygagging around here, I have to... to get Dr. Crane his oatbran.

Frasier

Oatbran? Now?

Daphne

You'll need it for the morning. You've got to have something to sop up all that nasty cholesterol gumming up your heart. If not, I'm liable to come home and find you face down on the floor with the dog gnawing off your foot - and I'm not making that up either, that happened. Cheerio.

Martin

I wished she moved that fast when I'm out of beer!

Niles

Well, I should be off too. Are we still on for dinner at "Quelque Chose"?

Frasier

Yes, yes, of course, Niles.

Niles

You might want to call and confirm.

Frasier

Yes, yes, I'll make a mental note.

Niles

Well, be careful you don't lose it inside that giant puppet head of yours. [exits]

Frasier

Niles! Giant puppet head indeed!

Martin

Oh, let it go, Frasier. What are you going to do? Go down there and make him change it? Just accept it for the honor it is, that's all. [Frasier begins dialing the phone] You know, I don't get you, a doctor gives you bad news, you take it in stride, but one bad picture...

Frasier

Yes, thank you, Dad. [to phone] Yes, I'm calling about a reservation tonight. For two, Crane. Well, what can I say? But I just love your food, Stefano. [hangs up, off Martin's glance] I'm in the mood for Italian!

Frasier

Will you come along, Niles?

Niles

[o.s.] I'd really rather not, I'm feeling queasy just standing here.

Frasier

You can't even see the picture from there! Come on.

Niles

[enters] All right, all right, let's just be quick about this.

Maitre D'

Hello, do you have a reservation?

Frasier

Yes, for Crane.

Maitre D'

One moment.

Niles

You tricked me!

Frasier

We'll just be here long enough for me to talk to Stefano, convince him to change the picture so it doesn't mock me for the rest of my life.

Niles

Frasier, the man has a violent temper, he's already made me humiliate myself once!

Frasier

Niles, I can't believe you're letting a minor childhood trauma like this plague you. You know, I have an affinity that this may be the route of your fear of authority figures. Listen, a nice relaxing dinner here may go a long way towards helping you to resolve this problem.

Stefano

[shouts over] Dotoré, Dotoré, how nice to see you again.

Frasier

Hello, Stefano, good to see you.

Stefano

And who's this gentleman? Looks familiar to me.

Frasier

Oh, this is my brother, Niles.

Stefano

Oh, of course, you have the family forehead. Er, come on.

Stefano

[shouting] Hey, Antonio, slow down! [he babbles some Italian and forces Antonio back into the kitchen] What's-a matter with you? [to Frasier] Come on, sit down, we've got a nice table for you.

Stefano

Right under your picture. Okay, tonight - no menus, I'm going to take care of everything - except the bill, of course. [laughs and exits]

Frasier

Well, there it is, "Frasier Cranium"!

Niles

Well, it does have a certain under-nuanced, over-contoured, Macy's parade kind of quality. But you cannot ask him to change it, the man will explode.

Frasier

Not if I do it with the utmost tact.

Stefano

Okay, here we are; antipasto.

Frasier

Oh, well, that's wonderful Stefano. You know, you certainly do have a way of making people feel comfortable. You know, I suspect that it would actually physically pain you to think that someone wasn't totally pleased.

Stefano

What's wrong?

Frasier

[Niles shakes his head] Well, actually, there is a tiny tiny problem. Really it's about my picture, you see. There is a small faction that thinks the forehead is too large.

Stefano

[points to Niles] What, this one?

Niles

No, I love it... [holds back sick]

Frasier

As do I. It's just that, well, I feel I may be more recognizable if the forehead were a tad smaller.

Stefano

So, you don't like it?

Frasier

It's not that.

Stefano

It's not good enough for you?

Frasier

Yes, it is.

Stefano

Do you want me to have it changed?

Frasier

Could you?

Niles

How long is this going to take?

Frasier

Now, Niles, I was fortunate enough that the artist is actually here tonight. I'm certainly not going to rush him. Now, you know, you better finish your lasagna, you don't want to offend Stefano.

Niles

Offend him? So far tonight I have had the Prosciutto Di Palma, the Pasta Genovese and the Venetian Sea Bass. One more bite will conclude our little tour of Italy with my impression of Pompeii!

Kenny

Hey, hey, look who it is. [laughs] They'll let anyone in this joint!

Frasier

Hello, Kenny.

Kenny

So, what are you celebrating? Not your ratings, huh! I'm kidding, you've gotta kid! If you don't laugh, you cry, right? So, did I hear a rumor that you're going up on the wall of fame?

Frasier

Oh, yes, as a matter of fact they're putting the finishing touches on the picture right now.

Kenny

Isn't that something? [to Niles] Hey, hey, hey, you better save some room. Stefano goes crazy if you pass on his dessert. My mother found out that the hard way on her eightieth birthday. He went off on her. He called her a "scungo bungo" or something, the kids had it memorized for a while. Enjoy.

Stefano

Okay, Dr. Crane. Hot off the easle, is this one more to your liking?

Frasier

Oh, my.

Stefano

Is it better?

Frasier

Well, it's like looking in a mirror.

Stefano

You know, this is the first time that anybody has ever asked for a change! [puts it on the wall] Oh, beautiful, you make me so happy! I'll go and see how the steaks are coming.

Frasier

Thank you.

Niles

Frasier, I hate to burst your bubble, but that picture looks absolutely nothing like you.

Frasier

Well, well, I was wondering when Mr. Envy would pull up a chair. [Kenny passes] Oh, Kenny. Kenny, if I may, can I direct your attention to this caricature?

Kenny

Wow, look at that, I am impressed.

Frasier

I thought you might be.

Kenny

James Garner eats here!

Frasier

James Garner?!

Kenny

Well, I guess I can go and sit down now, my father-in-law just picked up the check.

Frasier

I don't believe this! I've waited my entire life to have my picture on this wall. Now that it is, it's unrecognizable. Well, not for long.

Niles

No, Frasier, you are not going to ask him to change it again...

Frasier

Niles...

Niles

If this means so much to you, my girlfriend's a plastic surgeon, she can have you looking like this picture in six procedures or less!

Stefano

[with more food] All right, here we are boys, here we are. Monjo Pere!

Stefano

You know, there's something that's been bugging me all night. Hey, shove over, will you? [they do, to Niles] I know you from some place and I can't figure out where, this is driving me potso! So, we're gonna figure this out together, okay? You and me.

Frasier

You know, while the two of you are strolling down memory lane, I have a quick errand I have to run, I tell you what, save some dessert for me!

Niles

Frasier...

Frasier

Roz.

Roz

Frasier, I knew you'd show up.

Frasier

Well...

Roz

You knew how much it would mean to me and Alice.

Frasier

Oh gosh, am I that transparent?

Roz

Come on in, everyone, this is Frasier. [they all wave]

Frasier

Hello, hi.

Roz

Can I get you something? Jello, Lunchables, a Pokémon punch?

Frasier

Do you have any coffee made?

Roz

No.

Frasier

That's perfect. [off her look] Well, while you're making coffee it'll give me some quality time with Alice. [takes her]

Girl

Hey, no cuts.

Frasier

I need a picture right away.

Girl

I'll tell.

Frasier

You know who this is? This is the birthday girl. If she wants a picture right away, she's going to get a picture right away, now why don't you just run along?

Frasier

All right, I think you're finished, there you are.

Girl

But I don't have any eyes.

Frasier

Yes, well, neither did Little Orphan Annie, and she's got her own Broadway show, now go on, shoo! [sits] Okay, fine, I'm looking for something manly, go easy on the forehead, leave the kid out.

Frasier

Oh, Niles.

Niles

Where the hell have you been? Stefano's been trying to place me for the last forty minutes. Was I ever in Panama? Did I sell him his first Lincoln? Do I have a box at the dog track?!

Frasier

Why didn't you just say yes and let that be the end of it?

Niles

That's a good idea. [notices pictures in Frasier's hands] What's that?

Frasier

I went by Alice's birthday party, I had the artist there draw me some new sketches. There, what do you think?

Niles

I think you're insane!

Frasier

Niles, it's not so crazy, just imagine. Suppose that picture there should accidentally drop to the floor and tear. You see, I can come back here tomorrow, tell Stefano that I didn't want to put his artist to any more trouble and I had a new caricature done myself. You see, I'm actually quite partial to this one here, but there is one in here of me playing soccer which is very good...

Niles

Frasier, we'll put these away, we'll pay the bill and we'll find a bed to strap you into.

Frasier

No, no, it can work, it really can, it'll work...

Mama

What is this? The pictures?

Frasier

It's nothing, it's no business of yours, off you go.

Mama

Stefano! Stefano!

Stefano

[enters] Mama, what is it? Cara Mia, what?

Mama

[points to pictures] Guada, guada!

Stefano

Dr. Crane, what is this?

Frasier

Oh, all right, I may as well just tell you the truth. The fact is, I don't really care for this picture either. It's just that I'm afraid your artist has lost his touch. To be honest I think he's robbing you blind. I mean, my God, how much is this hack charging you?

Frasier

Mama's the hack, isn't she?

Stefano

Hold on one second! Now I remember you!

Niles

Oh...

Stefano

Bridgeport, Connecticut.

Niles

[thinks and then acts] Yes, yes.

Stefano

My car got stuck in the rain and you saved my ass.

Niles

Yes, well it was nothing. I'm glad you remember.

Stefano

Let me show you how we thank you where I come from.

Frasier

Well, suffice it to say, the entire Crane family is now banned from Stefano's.

Martin

Just because of that dumb picture?

Frasier

No, no, actually, there was a little incident involving Niles, too. He was doing just fine until Stefano took him in some sort of a bear hug and shook him a little too vigorously.

Martin

On the shoes again?

Frasier

No, this time there was a conveniently-placed lobster tank.

Martin

Poor Niles.

Frasier

Yeah, it wasn't any picnic for the lobsters either.

Frasier

What the hell is wrong with me, Dad? You know, I got so obsessed with that damn picture I completely lost my head!

Martin

Well, I think I know what's really going on here.

Frasier

Really? Well, enlighten us.

Martin

Well, I think there's some stuff in your life that you can't control: the doctor tells you you're getting old, your ratings are low, you're not happy with your love life. And so I think you obsessed about this picture because you figured it was something in your life that you could control.

Frasier

Well, Dad, you do raise a point.

Frasier

Oh, what the hell, you're dead on. Where did you learn so much about psychology?

Martin

Oh, I listen to radio.

Frasier

Gosh, it's so obvious, isn't it? You know, when a person is confronted with some deeply troubling issue that they're not ready to face yet, they usually avoid the problem by obsessing about something else, something completely trivial.

Daphne

Got it!

Martin

Got what?

Daphne

Dr. Crane's oat bran!

Martin

Boy, you left for that eight hours ago.

Daphne

Well, it wasn't easy. They were out of it at the regular market, so I went to another one but then they were out of it. So, I looked into it and it turns out they don't sell it in Washington anymore. Well, for some reason I just couldn't let it go, so I went for a little drive. [to Martin] You know, it wouldn't kill you to do something like that once in a while, get off that big round duff of yours. [then] Anyway, a hop, skip and a jump later, here it is, fresh from Portland. Good night.

Frasier

What the hell was that?

Martin

I don't know, what did she mean about that big round duff comment?!

Frasier

Now, Dad.

Martin

You know, the sands of time don't exactly flow up the hourglass! It's not easy for a guy our age.

Frasier

Dad, for the last time, we are not the same age.

Martin

I've seen your hips start to spread a little bit...