Dark Side Of The Moon
Aired 11th May 2000 · Written by Lori Kirkland · Directed by David Lee
McCaskill
What do you see here?
Daphne
It's two bunnies clawing each other to death over a lima bean. [McCaskill writes in her pad] Forgive me, Dr. McCaskill, but this game seems rather silly.
McCaskill
Well, I understand how you might feel that way but it's helpful to me. Now, last one. [holds another ink-blot up]
Daphne
It's a woman.
McCaskill
[noting down] Okay, then.
Daphne
She's skinning a pigeon with a hatchet.
Daphne
Are we done now?
McCaskill
I think we still have some work to do.
Daphne
I just don't think there's any good reason for me to be here.
McCaskill
The judge felt differently.
Daphne
Oh, what does he know? Saying I need anger management! I'm not an angry person, I never have been.
McCaskill
Daphne, wasn't it anger that led you to cause that four-car accident?
Daphne
Well, yes, but I was provoked into that. I'm not angry anymore.
McCaskill
Well, there may be a level of emotion you're not entirely in touch with. Let's talk about your life in general. You said you had a fiancé?
Daphne
Yes, Donny. He's a wonderful, generous man...
Daphne
[v.o.] ...in fact, he did the sweetest thing for me last week, totally out of the blue.
Donny
Welcome to your shower, honey. Oh my God, you're trembling.
Daphne
Yes, well, I'm absolutely blown away.
Niles
Oh, come on, Daphne, you were on to us.
Daphne
No, really, you had me completely fooled.
Donny
We may have an even bigger surprise for you later on, but first things first: let's get you some champagne.
Daphne
[v.o.] I'm not usually much for surprise parties, but I can see how much trouble Donny went to. He invited all my friends, made the food, he even planned some games.
Daphne
We played this one game where everyone's in groups and each group dresses one person in a bridal gown made out of toilet paper. I can't remember what it's called...
McCaskill
[annoyed] "Toilet paper bridal gown"!
Daphne
Yes, that's it. Have you played?
McCaskill
I'm familiar with it.
Daphne
[v.o.] Then you know, as the bride, I had to judge which group made the best dress while another woman was in charge of...
Mel
[blows whistle loudly] Time!!! Stop right now, or you'll be disqualified. Team A!
Daphne
[laughs] Very nice, Donny.
Mel
Team B!
Niles
We're not finished yet!
Martin
You shouldn't have spent so much time with the sketches!
Mel
Team C! Where's Team C? Team C, time!
Frasier
You'll notice that I used the quilted variety for the bonnet and the edging on the veil.
Daphne
Well, you all look fantastic but I think we have a winner... Team C!
Holly
Donny, I'm sorry.
Donny
Oh, Holly, it's not your fault, I should have been more radiant.
Frasier
Daphne, if there happens to be another game that we play, do you think that you could arrange for me to be on the same team as your friend Holly there?
Daphne
Oh, developed a little crush, have we?
Frasier
As a matter of fact, I have. It's just that I haven't had much of a chance to get to speak with her at all.
Daphne
Well, I'll do what I can, but I'm not really in charge here-
Mel
[shouts] All right, people, next game - bridal charades!
Frasier
Roz, you know, some day you're going to make a beautiful bride. Of course, your dress won't be made out of toilet paper. [Roz laughs]
Niles
Or be white.
Donny
Daphne, your big surprise has arrived. This is someone that I know you are dying to see.
Daphne
Your parents?
Donny
No, not till next week.
Daphne
[worried] My mother?
Donny
No, someone good.
Daphne
[hopeful] My brother?
Donny
Your favorite brother!
Daphne
[jumps up and down] Yeah, Steven!
Donny
Ste... no.
Daphne
Billy?
Donny
Em...
Daphne
Michael?
Donny
Well...
Daphne
Nigel? David?
Simon
[o.s.] Hello, thirsty man waitin' out here!
Daphne
[disgusted] Simon!
Simon
Daphne! Come 'ere.
Daphne
Everyone, this is my brother, Simon. [they all greet him]
Simon
Stilts, aren't you a sight!
Niles
"Stilts"?
Daphne
Growing up I was a bit tall for my age.
Simon
Giant, like she was on stilts.
Daphne
They follow you, Simon.
Simon
Yeah, right. Well, it's nice to meet you all. Especially whichever one's the bartender.
Roz
[stands suggestively] Oh, that would be me!
Simon
Oh and a pretty little bartender you are.
Roz
Right this way.
Simon
After you. [follows her] I'd rather walk behind you anyway!
Roz
I just love your accent, it's so sophisticated!
Donny
Oh boy, I really screwed up, didn't I?
Frasier
Now, isn't Steven the favorite brother?
Donny
Yes.
Martin
Even I knew that, and I barely listen to her.
Donny
[to Daphne] I know, I know, I know, I got the names mixed up, but you have mentioned Simon too.
Daphne
Yes, as a free-loader who just sits around the house drinking beer all day.
Martin
Well, that's a lot of people.
Daphne
[excusing him] You're retired.
Holly
You have such a dirty mind.
Roz
And that would be a terrible thing to waste.
Daphne
[comes over] Simon!
Simon
Yeah, right.
Daphne
This is Dr. Frasier Crane and his father, Martin.
Daphne
There are the people I work for. You've met my fiancée, Donny.
Simon
Oh, thanks for flying me out, mate.
Daphne
About that, didn't it seem unusual to you when he called you my favorite brother?
Simon
Now that you mention it, it did strike my ear as a bit odd, you being so partial to Steven.
Simon
But then I thought, women change their minds all the time, brothers fall in and out of favor. Maybe it's my turn. And, er, good thing too, as it was an especially good time for me to get out of England.
Roz
God, he talks just like a prince!
Niles
So, Simon, where are you staying? [holds out ash tray]
Simon
Thanks, mate. [flicks ash into tray but doesn't take it] Em, Donny here says that Frasier's offered to put me up.
Frasier
Yes, well, when he told me he was inviting Daphne's favorite brother, I didn't hesitate. Of course, well, the sad truth is, we really don't have a bed for you.
Simon
Oh, a couch'll suit me just fine.
Frasier
Well, you wouldn't really be comfortable there for more than a day or two.
Simon
Oh, don't worry about that. I once slept on a couch for three months before I even realized it pulled out.
Frasier
Ah!
Simon
The main thing is that I spend as much time as possible with my baby sister!
Daphne
Simon, look what you did!
Daphne
[v.o.] It was my absolute favorite dress, one I saved for special occasions; he wasn't in the door five minutes before he ruined it.
McCaskill
And yet you still felt responsible for putting him up.
Daphne
I didn't have much choice. If I turned him out, I'd never hear the end of it from mum.
McCaskill
I'm hearing that your relatives are a source of anger for you.
Daphne
So? Aren't yours?
McCaskill
Well, they might be if I still talked to any of them!
McCaskill
Anyway, I can see how your brother's presence was adding stress, but what I'm not sure of is how you got from there to causing a four car pile-up.
Daphne
[v.o.] Well, things got much more difficult once Simon settled into the house.
Daphne
[putting on a brave face] Good evening, Dr. Crane! I hope you had a pleasant day.
Frasier
[seeing straight through her] Where's Simon?
Daphne
I think he's out with Mr. Crane again. They seem to have taken quite a shine to each other. Simon's introduced him to rugby.
Frasier
Yes, I really must thank him for that! After all, poor Dad, before he came, had no sport to watch between the hours of two and six AM! Did you happen to see the kitchen this morning?
Daphne
Yes, I guess they got some take-out.
Frasier
It looked like a Kung Pao bomb went off! I still have moo shoo stuck in the tread of my driving Moccasins!
Daphne
I'm sorry Simon's been such an imposition. But he's leaving soon, he's decided to tour the West Coast until the wedding.
Frasier
Oh Lord, that's a relief.
Daphne
Yes. [faking a surprised thought] Oh, by the by, I invited my friend, Holly, over for drinks tonight. Maybe you could join us, might give you two an opportunity to get better acquainted.
Frasier
Daphne, if you're offering up your attractive friend as some sort of a peace offering - well then, I accept. I better go and make myself look irresistible.
Daphne
Well, you won't have time for much, she's on her way now.
Frasier
Oh, it's probably better that way - you know, give her a fighting chance.
Daphne
Mr. Crane, I thought you were out with Simon.
Martin
Nope, just Eddie.
Daphne
Then where's Simon?
Frasier
[o.s.] Daphne!!
Frasier
Your brother's in my bed... nude!!
Daphne
[shouts down hallway] Simon Moon, get out of Dr. Crane's room!
Martin
Oh, that poor guy probably just needed a nap, it's the jet-lag. Couple of days and he'll be on our time.
Frasier
A couple more days, he'll be on our sidewalk!
Simon
Sorry about that, I'm a bit sleepy today. I think I'm coming down with a cold.
Frasier
Nothing another night of drinking won't cure, I'm sure.
Simon
Well, let's hope.
Frasier
Is that my robe you're wearing?
Simon
Yeah, yeah, you want it back? [begins to untie it]
Frasier
[in horror] No, no.
Simon
No, it's all right, I've got shorts on. [shows him]
Frasier
Are those my shorts?
Simon
Well, I didn't think you'd mind, I found them on the bathroom floor.
Daphne
If you need to lie down you can use my room. [gives him duffel bag]
Simon
All right, don't forget to wake me for dinner, will ya?
Daphne
I woke you for lunch, didn't I?
Simon
Yeah, right.
Frasier
Oh dear God, that'll be Holly. Dad, make yourself scarce. [Martin exits as Frasier opens the door] Ah, Holly, hello again.
Holly
Hello, Dr. Crane, nice to see you again.
Frasier
Yes, yes, please, call me Frasier, come in.
Daphne
Hi, Holly, I'm glad you could make it.
Holly
Me too. My boss can be such a pain.
Daphne
Too bad, this one here keeps me in stitches all day long.
Frasier
[looks at Holly] Wokka, Wokka! [he sighs] Let me bring you girls some drinks.
Daphne
Oh, no, no, no, let me get them. Could you keep Holly company?
Frasier
All right, well, Holly, please have a seat. [they sit] Er, gosh, em, you know, we really didn't get much of a chance to talk at the shower. But, er, let me see, you're in the music business aren't you?
Holly
Yes, right now I'm planning a Reggae festival on Mercer Island.
Frasier
Oh, well, I'll have to remind myself to take the Rasta-ferry over and catch it. [laughs with Holly]
Holly
Frasier just told the cutest little joke.
Daphne
Oh, I'm sorry, I came back as quickly as possible. [off Frasier's glance] Oh, I just remembered I left a tray of hors d'oeuvres on the kitchen counter.
Holly
No, let me Daphne, I'm not going to let you wait on me all night.
Daphne
Oh, thank you.
Frasier
Allow me. [pours drinks]
Daphne
Well?
Frasier
Well, I like her, actually. You know, I thinks she likes me too.
Daphne
So, are you going to ask her out?
Frasier
Oh, now, now, now, Daphne. You can't rush things with a girl like Holly. After all, she's the kind of girl you just don't do that to. Yes, she has to be wooed.
Frasier
And to be honest, this is the part of the dance that excites me the most: the coy verbal exchange, the subtle body language, the probing glances as we explore a mutual passion.
Daphne
[noticing her brother] That jacket you're wearing might be a bit too conservative, why don't you go and change?
Frasier
[stands] All right, all right, what do you think? Maybe a sweater? Do you think I'd look more free-wheeling in my blue and my...
Frasier
Good God. [shouts over] He has a cold, you know!
Daphne
I had no idea that Simon and Holly had gotten so close at my wedding shower. Of course, try telling that to Dr. Crane.
McCaskill
He blames you for what happened?
Daphne
Of course he did. The tension in the house was just getting worse. Then two nights later, I thought I was getting a break from it all. I had the house all to myself for a change...
Daphne
[v.o.] ...Which was a good thing because I was meeting Donny's parents the next day. I decided I'd use the evening to take a nice hot bath, give meself a manicure - you know, how you do.
Daphne
Dr. Crane, what happened to your concert?
Frasier
Simon happened. I've caught his wretched cold. I think I'm just going to go curl up in bed. After all, if I don't take care of myself, who will? Make me some tea and honey, won't you?
Martin
Hey, Daph.
Daphne
I thought you and Simon were watching the game down at McGinty's.
Martin
Oh, the cable went out, I'll just watch it here.
Daphne
Then where's Simon?
Martin
He's at the bar, he met some people. [she heads to the kitchen] Oh, listen, if you're going in the kitchen, would you get me a beer? [she does] He's a real knack for making friends, and a great storyteller! [sits down] Is it true you wet your pants the first time you saw a Chinese person?
Daphne
He told you that?!
Martin
Oh, he's gonna kill me, he was going to try to work it into his wedding toast!
Simon
Come in and make ya'selves comfortable. Hey, Stilts, I didn't know you'd be home! God, what a sight! If you took your teeth out and put them in your pocket you'd look like Mum.
Daphne
Oh, sod off, Simon. Who are these people?
Simon
Oh, these are some new friends of mine, they've come down to watch the game. This is Stan. [Stan nods] This is...
Judd
[helping him] ...Judd.
Simon
Judd, yeah. [pointing to his new date] And this here is Paris.
Martin
Paris? Does that make you French?
Paris
No, but a couple of beers might.
Frasier
What on earth is going on out here?
Martin
Oh, it's no big deal, a few people just came over to watch the game.
Frasier
Well, you might have consulted with me first!
Daphne
Let's get you back to bed, Dr. Crane, I'll bring you your tea in a minute.
Frasier
Very well, Daphne. [directed at Simon] It seems I've caught a cold from someone!
Simon
Oh, you might have mentioned that before I took a nap in your bed.
Simon
If you don't mind me saying, Marty, you're a saint for putting up with that man. Your life must be very trying, very trying indeed.
Martin
Oh, do not get me started!
Daphne
Could someone get that? I have a tray to make for Dr. Crane.
Simon
Bring out some beers, would ya'!
Roz
[provocative] Hi, Simon.
Simon
[confused] Hello.
Roz
Are you ready... to go... dinner... you made a date.
Simon
[half-hearted] Of course, a date! Er, just hang on there a minute, er... [tries to guess the name]
Daphne
[enters with Frasier's tray] Hello, Roz.
Simon
Roz, yeah, I forgot where I put my jacket.
Paris
Right here.
Simon
Right, well, I'm just going out for a bit, love, make yourself comfortable, I won't be late.
Roz
I don't believe this. I got dressed up, I got a sitter and you don't even remember we made a date! Some classy brother, Daphne!
Simon
Now you're making me feel bad. I tell you what: dinner's on me tonight. [then] Daph, can I talk to you for a minute?
Roz
Don't bother, Simon. [slams door in his face]
Martin
Hey, can you keep it down, the game's on. Daph, how about some snacks?
Judd
Well, maybe a couple of sandwiches.
Daphne
[puts down tray] Oh, get it yourself! I have laundry to check on!
Simon
Did you do my delicates?
Daphne
Oh!
Daphne
I thought I'd cool off while I was in the laundry room, but no such luck!
Daphne
[crying] Look at this! My favorite dress ruined!
Daphne
When I got that wine stain out, someone pulled it out of the machine and tossed it into a puddle of bleach!
Daphne
I got them back, though. I pulled all their clothes out of the drier and threw them onto the dirty wet floor... Oh, what do you care?! I need a drink! A big one! [exits to kitchen]
Simon
Oh, that'll be my date again. I knew she couldn't stay mad long. [calls] Coming, Rose!
Donny
Hi.
Simon
Hello, Donny. Who's this, then?
Donny
My mom and dad. I was picking them up at the airport, they couldn't wait to meet Daphne. This is Simon, Daphne's brother.
Simon
[shaking hands] Oh, nice to meet you, yeah, how are you? Eh, word to the wise, Daphne's in a bit of a mood tonight.
Martin
[stands] Why don't I just let her know that you're here?
Daphne
There, that's the last of that bottle!
Martin
[helping her] Daphne, thanks for bringing in my whisky!
Daphne
[not realizing] It's mine! If you want it, you'll have to fight me for it, old man!
Donny
[runs over] Honey, honey! [she notices them] Mom, Dad, er, this is my fiancée, Daphne.
Daphne
Hello. [puts bottles down] Donny, I thought we were doing this tomorrow.
Donny
We wanted to surprise you.
Daphne
Why? Because your last surprise worked out so well?!
Mom
We should have called first.
Daphne
No, I'm so embarrassed, I'm such a mess.
Donny
Come on, honey, you've looked worse.
Daphne
Donny!
Dad
I think we'd better go home.
Daphne
Oh, no, no. Please, come in, the more the merrier.
Daphne
Oh, for God's sake, who the hell is that now?!
Mom
She's very lovely.
Woman
I know what you did. Someone saw you leave the laundry room. You threw all my wet clothes all over the floor!
Daphne
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize they were still wet. [takes basket] Here, let me help.
Woman
What are you doing?
Daphne
[throws some socks into the fireplace] Ooh, that's nice and hot...
Woman
Stop it!
Daphne
What, not fast enough for you?
Woman
Stop it!
Daphne
Maybe if we air-dried them!
Daphne
There! That should do it. Ya happy now?!?!
Frasier
Fine! I guess I'll just have to make my own tea!!
Daphne
It never occurred to me that stuff would fall on people's windshields.
McCaskill
Well, I can certainly see why you felt provoked.
Daphne
Thank you. Now, if the judge'd seen it your way, we could have all saved ourselves a lot of time.
McCaskill
There's something that confuses me just a little.
Daphne
Yes?
McCaskill
This dress that was ruined, you keep saying it was your favorite.
Daphne
That's right.
McCaskill
So, why were you wearing it at your bridal shower?
Daphne
Well, it's a momentous event, don't you think?
McCaskill
But you said it was a surprise.
Daphne
Well, yes... [realizes] It was.
McCaskill
So, just what were you expecting when you went over there?
Niles
Daphne, right on time. I'm glad you're here, come in. Let me take your coat. [he does so]
Daphne
I brought the recipe.
Niles
Hmm? Oh, for sticky toffee pudding... mmmm...
Daphne
[suggestively] Well, that's why I'm here, isn't it? To teach you to make it.
Niles
Yes.
Niles
You're not buying it, are you?
Daphne
No, not really.
Niles
So, do you know why I asked you here tonight? [they sit]
Daphne
[flirting] I think I do. I mean, when a man asks you to his house to make pudding on a Saturday night...
Niles
A pretty flimsy excuse, wasn't it?
Daphne
Well, it got me here.
Niles
I'm glad.
Niles
Make yourself comfortable.
Daphne
All right.
Donny
Welcome to your shower, honey. Oh my God, you're trembling.
Daphne
Yes, well, I'm absolutely blown away.
Niles
Oh, come on, Daphne, you were on to us.
Daphne
No, really, you had me completely fooled.
Daphne
My God! Dr. Crane...
McCaskill
You know, it might be time to start calling him Niles.
Daphne
This is confusing. I mean what about Donny? He's the man I love.
McCaskill
Are you sure about that?
Daphne
[crying] ...No. Oh, so many questions. What does this mean? What do I do?
McCaskill
I'm sorry, but... our time is up!