Something Borrowed Someone Blue (Part 1)
Aired May 18th 2000 · Written by Christopher Lloyd & Joe Keenan · Directed by Pamela Fryman
Frasier
Oh, hi, Roz.
Roz
Oh, there you are. I brought something for Daphne and I was just gonna leave it with the doorman. [Daphne begins to cry]
Frasier
Oh, lord.
Roz
Did I say something?
Frasier
Well, actually our doorman, Morrie, passed away this week. We just got back from the funeral.
Roz
Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry. Is she going to be all right?
Frasier
Well, you know, she's been a little high-strung all week, even before he died. I guess it's just wedding stuff, you know.
Roz
Yeah.
Daphne
Ooh, sorry 'bout that. So, you brought me something, Roz?
Roz
Well, yeah. I figured you couldn't get married without wearing something borrowed. [Hands her a small box]
Daphne
Oh! What a beautiful garter! Look at all the lovely detail.
Niles
I especially like the little odometer.
Daphne
Thank you so much, Roz.
Mel
Does anybody besides me feel like a cup of coffee?
Frasier
Oh, I'll brew a pot.
Mel
Oh, don't be silly. I've been here enough times to know how to get the coffee made. Daphne, make us some coffee. [Then] Kidding!
Roz
[picking up a folder] The Wayside Inn. This is where you're having your wedding? Oh gosh, it's just so beautiful.
Daphne
I hope it is, the planning's been a nightmare. I spent an hour today on the seating charts. Everyone has some demand. "Don't sit me near the band", "Do you mind if I bring a friend?"...
Roz
Oh my God, you can't seat me next to him.
Daphne
Exactly! Every selfish, whiny little thing...
Roz
No, you cannot seat me next to Tim Walsh. I dated him all last summer and he dumped me.
Daphne
He's going with my bridesmaid Annie. I have to seat the bridesmaids together.
Roz
This always happens to me. Is there no place I can go without running into some guy I've dated?
Niles
I was reading about a Trappist monastery in the Amazon that they somehow built into the treetop.
Roz
Shut up, ya big doily! This is gonna be awful! Here I am at a wedding, sitting next to a guy who dumped me!
Frasier
Oh, come on Roz, you won't be alone. You'll be on the arm of a well-known Seattle boulevardier and radio star.
Roz
Frasier, I can't go with you. I mean, going to a wedding with your boss is like going to the prom with your brother.
Frasier
Niles and I did not go to the prom together! Our dates were sick and we went stag!
Niles
In retrospect, yes, we should have canceled the horse-drawn carriage, but hindsight is 20/20.
Martin
Hey, Roz.
Roz
Hi, Martin. I'm really sorry to hear about your friend Morrie.
Martin
Oh, thanks. Yeah, his wife just did the nicest thing. I guess she knew Eddie and I'd stop by and shoot the breeze with him, so she gave us something to remember him by.
Frasier
Oh, well. [Reading the tag] "For Martin and Eddie." Gee, isn't that nice?
Martin
Yeah, I think it's some kinda wine.
Frasier
Well, yes I'd say so, but...
Frasier
My God, Dad! This is a 1945 Chateau Petrus!
Martin
Oh, yeah? She said he got it from his uncle who was in France after the war.
Frasier
Well, it's one of the rarest bottles in the world!
Martin
Well, if you're good, maybe Eddie'll give you a glass out of his half.
Niles
I've never even seen a '45 Petrus!
Roz
Oh, poor Morrie. He probably waited his whole life for an occasion special enough to open that bottle.
Frasier
Yes. Perhaps this should be a lesson for us all. Morrie might be standing guard at the door to heaven right now, but he's buzzing us with one last message: Live life now. I'm reminded of a parable…
Daphne/Niles/Roz
Come in!
Daphne
Simon!
Simon
Hello, sis.
Daphne
I thought you were in California.
Simon
Yeah, well, those friends I went to surprise were out of town. So I decided to housesit for 'em, which was lovely. 'Til they came home last night. I don't know what all the screaming was about, I was the one in the tub! Where should I put this bag?
Frasier
By the door so you don't forget it when you leave.
Simon
Right. I think I know everyone here. [spots Roz] Or do I? And what would your name be then, Miss?
Roz
Simon, you low-life idiot! You made a date with me last week and you stood me up!
Simon
Sorry, love, I need a bit more to go on.
Roz
Maybe this'll refresh your memory.
Simon
Roz! Of course!
Martin
[entering from kitchen] Well, look who's back!
Simon
Well, who's this then? I'd say it was Marty Crane, but he's a bit too young and trim, eh?
Martin
Oh, go on! Can I offer you a beer?
Simon
Oh, I hate to drink alone, could I have a sandwich with that?
Frasier
If that beer-swilling boomerang thinks he's staying here, he's got another thing coming.
Niles
Better get a move on, he's already got your address on his duffel bag.
Mel
We'd better get going if we're going to reach the cabin by dark.
Frasier
Cabin?
Niles
Yes, Mel and I are celebrating our six-month anniversary by taking a little mid-week getaway to her friend's country place.
Mel
Yes, no phones, no stress, just two days of rest and relaxation. I do have to pick up a little anniversary gift, though, so give me nine minutes and pick me up at the northwest corner of Pike and Elm at 4:42.
Mel
Coming up on 4:33...
Niles
Synchronizing...
Mel
Now! [Then] Good, I'm relaxing already.
Simon
Thank you Marty, it's most hospitable of you.
Martin
Well, you gotta have a place to stay...
Frasier
Stop right there! He cannot stay here! The man is loud, ill-mannered, and the last time he stayed here he killed a ficus tree on the downstairs neighbor's balcony by means which are best left to the imagination!
Martin
Frasier, I invited Simon to stay in my Winnebago! Come on Simon, I'll show you your new digs.
Frasier
Oh, lord. Simon, you know I...
Simon
Oh, no, forget about it. It's no worse than what I was just sayin' about you in the kitchen.
Frasier
[chuckles] Good one.
Simon
[sotto to Martin] He thinks I'm joking.
Niles
Join me in a sherry, Frasier?
Frasier
Oh, I think I will, Niles.
Niles
You know, I have to admit, I'm a little bit nervous about this trip. I have a feeling Mel may make another push for us to live together.
Frasier
Oh, my.
Niles
She's been bringing it up quite a bit lately. She says it's a good way for us to test our relationship.
Frasier
You're afraid you'll discover things about each other that you won't like?
Niles
Oh, no. No, no. We're past that stage. She knows my likes and dislikes. I've come attuned to her various quirks... eccentricities... bugaboos.... b�te noirs... night terrors. It's the fun of being in love. I don't know what's bothering me.
Frasier
Is it possible that your foot-dragging might have anything to do with some lingering feelings for Daphne?
Niles
Frasier, uh, you must realize I put that behind me months ago.
Frasier
Just asking.
Niles
I'm very happy with Mel.
Frasier
Well then, what's your problem?
Niles
Uh, well, let's see. I just got through with a rough divorce. I do have a tendency to be overly cautious...
Frasier
This could be a chance to change all that.
Niles
So you're in favor of it?
Frasier
Well, I've never really been the president of the Mel fan club, but she does seem to make you happy. And as we were reminded this morning, life is not to be taken in baby steps. Ask not for whom the doorman buzzes...
Niles
Thank you. All right. That was much-needed therapy.
Frasier
Well, it was my pleasure. You're my brother, you get the family rate.
Martin
Hey, guys. Got all the way down to the Winnebago and realized I had the wrong keys.
Niles
See you guys in a couple of days.
Martin
All right.
Daphne
You don't say, mum. Your phlebitis again?
Frasier
[bellowing] Daphne!
Daphne
Got to go now, mum, Dr. Crane's on the warpath again. Bye. [Hangs up, then to Frasier] Thank you!
Martin
Daph, I'm glad you're here, because I was thinking about that wine of Morrie's. You know, that's something really for a special occasion. So, I'd like you to have for the wedding, enjoy it on your honeymoon.
Daphne
[starting to cry] Oh, Mr. Crane!
Martin
Oh, Daphne, come on. Come on now, it's only a bottle of wine. I don't even know that much about it. Frasier? Help me out here, will you?
Frasier
Well Dad, Chateau Petrus is a premier crux Bordeaux...
Martin
No, no, no. No, I mean with Daphne.
Martin
There you go.
Frasier
Oh, Daphne.
Daphne
I'm sorry to get so emotional like this.
Frasier
It's all right. The funeral must've really upset you.
Daphne
It's not that. Dr. Crane? I've wanted to talk to you about this all week, but I haven't known what to say. You promise you'll keep this just between us?
Frasier
Of course.
Daphne
It's about your brother. You see, I know.
Frasier
Know what?
Daphne
I know about his feelings for me.
Frasier
My God! How did you find out?
Daphne
It's not important.
Frasier
Somebody blabbed, didn't they? Why can't people just mind their own business? Who was the nattering gossip? Roz? Dad?
Daphne
You.
Frasier
What?
Daphne
You were taking those pills for your back and you blurted it out while I was giving you a massage.
Frasier
Oh, well, they were very strong pills, you see...
Daphne
Needless to say, it completely took my breath away. At first, I tried to forget about it, put it out of my mind.
Frasier
Well, the bottle said just to take one, but I'm a big man...
Daphne
Oh, will you shut up about those pills?!
Frasier
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Daphne
Anyway, after a while, I couldn't put it out of my mind anymore. I find myself thinking about him all the time.
Frasier
Daphne... are you saying that you have feelings for Niles?
Daphne
I think I do. Oh, I don't know! Even if I did, he may not feel that way about me anymore, he's with Mel now!
Frasier
I-I don't know what to tell you, Daph. Uh, I, I, think the best thing is for you to, to try to find a way to talk with Niles.
Daphne
Ugh. That's not an easy conversation to have.
Frasier
It's easier now than after you're married.
Daphne
You're right, I have to talk to him. And right away. I'm already making myself sick over this. If I leave it any longer, I'll be a complete basket case. Uh, did he mention if he was going home?
Frasier
Well, ah, actually, um, ah, he's going, ah, somewhere else first. Um...
Daphne
Where?
Martin
Get you some towels and you'll be all set down there.
Simon
Right.
Martin
Oh, geez, Daphne! It's just a bottle of wine!
Daphne
[v.o.] I'll get it!
Daphne
Oh. Dr. Crane! I didn't even know you'd gone out. I thought you might be your brother.
Frasier
Well, I went down to get the mail and got all these wedding gifts for you. But don't worry, Niles called and said he'd be coming by this afternoon.
Daphne
[picking up the bag and eating another cookie] I don't even know how I'm going to begin this conversation.
Frasier
Well, I'm sure those chocolate-chip blackened teeth'll be a nice icebreaker.
Daphne
I've been so nervous lately, I've done nothing but stuff myself with junk food.
Daphne
Oh, it's him!
Frasier
All right, all right, fine. You're gonna be just fine. Okay? Remember to speak from the heart.
Daphne
Mr. Crane!
Martin
Thanks! Eddie started doing his "I don't know how much longer I can hold this" dance and I just ran out without my keys. Have you ever seen him do that dance?
Frasier
Just the droll impression of it you do at parties, Dad.
Daphne
[again eating cookies] You know, Mr. Crane, Eddie seems awfully fidgety. I don't think he got enough exercise on that walk.
Martin
Anybody needs any exercise, it's you, the way you're eating now. You know, when they put "Party Size" on that cookie bag, they don't mean party of one.
Daphne
Simon! What do you want?
Simon
Well, I've just come to borrow a pen so I can fill out this job application.
Frasier
What? Oh, you're applying for work? Well here, allow me. [Gives him a pen] Gosh, we'll miss you around here, but onward and upward! [laughs] So, what's the job?
Simon
Doorman.
Frasier
Dear God.
Simon
Well, it's ideal for me, really. Nice cozy chair, plenty of time to think the long, long thoughts of youth. Not to mention what the uniforms do for the ladies, ah? [laughs] If memory serves, a certain bellhop back in Manchester found that out with a young lady who will remain nameless.
Daphne
Simon! [to Frasier] I tell you, I'm this close to just poppin' him one!
Frasier
Now, now Daphne. Daphne, you just have to calm down. Here, have a cookie. [Gives her the bag, she eats one]
Simon
What is up with your appetite lately? What, are you knocked up or somethin'?
Daphne
Of course not!
Simon
Now, now, you wouldn't be the first person in our family to be walking down the aisle carrying more than just a bouquet.
Frasier
Uh, Simon, why don't you finish filling that out in the kitchen and help yourself to a beer?
Simon
Well, great!
Daphne
Roz!
Roz
Hi, guys! Hey, Frasier? I felt kinda bad about the other day, dumping you as my wedding date...
Frasier
You want me back, don't you?
Roz
And I'm sick about it. But I can't find anybody else.
Frasier
Sorry Roz, I already invited somebody else, she's driving up on Saturday to join me.
Roz
Well, get rid of her! I need a date! I'm desperate!
Simon
Well, well, somebody here is singin' my favorite song.
Roz
Simon? There's a guy who lives in the park across the street from me. He wears a cat suit and meows at people. If he's busy, maybe I'll call you.
Simon
I'm prettying myself up, just in case. Speaking of which, Daphne, I borrowed your blow dryer for my job interview.
Daphne
I spent an hour looking for that! I thought I was losing my mind!
Simon
Well, that does happen to women in your condition. You know, in the family way.
Martin
[entering] You're pregnant?
Daphne
I AM NOT PREGNANT!
Simon
What, just another scare, then? Like that time back in school with that Pakistani chap?
Daphne
[lunges at him] Right, that's it, you pig!
Daphne
Oh, put me down!
Frasier
Daphne and I are going out for a breath of fresh air, perhaps retrieve her blow dryer. Oh, if Niles should happen to stop by, keep him here. There's something important I need to discuss with him.
Daphne
Oh, for God's sake, put me down!
Frasier
Not until you promise not to kill your brother.
Daphne
Oh, all right! It's not as if he doesn't deserve it, telling everyone I'm carrying Donny's baby! Like I don't have enough to worry about today, waiting for Dr. Crane.
Frasier
Daphne, Daphne, you have to calm down.
Daphne
It's not easy. I don't even know how to begin with him. "Would you like steak or salmon at my wedding? And by the way, I think I might be in love with you."
Frasier
You'll find the words when the time comes, all right? [Glares at the neighbor] And don't pretend you're not listening, Mrs. Richman! Your laundry is not that interesting.
Roz
Oh, come on George, I'm desperate here. I promise you a good time. I mean a REALLY good time, if you get my drift. [Pause] You might have mentioned I was on speaker-phone!
Simon
Listen to what you're doing, Roz. It's not very dignified, is it?
Martin
Come on Roz, give Simon a chance.
Roz
So he can stand me up again?
Simon
And miss my sister's wedding? Never! If you're worried about my appearance, I know where I can get my hands on some very nice Armani suits.
Martin
Or you could just grab one out of Frasier's closet.
Roz
What did you think he was talking about? All right. But Simon, just remember my ex-boyfriend will be there. If anybody asks, you're an internet millionaire.
Simon
Right. I'll be the perfect, well-bred, up-market gentleman. Now, I'll walk you to the garage.
Roz
Ah, you don't have to.
Simon
No, it's no bother. I live there.
Niles
Roz!
Roz
Niles.
Niles
Simon!
Simon
Well, by the look of that smile on your face, I'd say somebody got himself a bit last night. [gestures lewdly with arms]
Niles
[looking shocked and appalled] I find that remark rude, boorish and IMPOSSIBLE TO DENY! [Breaks out laughing]
Simon
Brilliant!
Martin
Niles, how was your trip?
Niles
Oh, fantastic, Dad. Where's Frasier? I have some news.
Martin
He'll be back in a bit. What's up?
Niles
Oh, well, uh, I should wait for Frasier, it was really his idea. Do you mind?
Martin
I can wait.
Niles
Okay, I can't!
Martin
What is it?
Niles
I'm married!
Martin
Married?
Niles
Yes, Mel and I eloped yesterday. [Martin is stunned] Well?
Martin
[gets up to hug him] Well... congratulations, son! That's great. So, uh, you're happy, right?
Niles
Oh, happy? I'm delirious!
Martin
Yeah, you'd have to be, wouldn't you? So, you say this was Frasier's idea?
Niles
Well, indirectly, yeah. Oh, oh, before I forget: it occurred to me, I think we should keep this from Daphne and Donny. I would hate for them to think we were stealing their thunder.
Frasier
Oh, Niles.
Niles
Frasier, three guesses what I did yesterday...
Frasier
What?
Niles
Daphne.
Daphne
Dr. Crane.
Niles
[to Martin] Oh, send Daphne away.
Daphne
[to Frasier] Get rid of your father.
Martin
Daphne, could you go to the drugstore? I'm all out of liniment and my back's gettin' kinda achy.
Frasier
You know, Dad, that's because you've been sitting in that chair all day. I'll tell you what, you know what you could use? A good walk to the drugstore. Do you a world of good. I'll go with you.
Martin
Well, okay, all right. Niles, why don't you come too?
Niles
Yeah, we'll all go. [He starts to follow]
Frasier
No, no, there's something very important I need to discuss with Dad, Niles. I'm sure you understand.
Martin
Fras...!
Niles
Oh, excuse me. [Answers phone] Hello? Mel, darling! Oh, just hanging out with Daphne.
Frasier
Honestly Dad, when will you learn to take a hint?
Martin
I can't take a hint? Couldn't you see that Niles wanted to talk to you?
Frasier
Well, whatever it is, it can wait.
Martin
Oh, yeah! No big deal, he just got married, that's all!
Frasier
What?
Martin
He eloped with Mel yesterday.
Richman
Poor Daphne...
Frasier
Would you please keep out of this, Mrs. Richman? We have got to get back up there. [Stabs at the buttons]
Martin
We're going to the basement.
Frasier
I can't wait that long!
Niles
[on phone] I'll see you later, darling. [Hangs up] Sorry about that.
Daphne
It's all right.
Niles
So, forty-eight hours 'til the big day, you must be pretty excited.
Daphne
It's funny you should mention that. [Sits on the couch beside him] You see, Dr. Crane...
Niles
Yes, Daphne?
Frasier
[bursts through door] NILES!
Daphne
Dr. Crane! You're back awfully soon!
Niles
You're all out of breath, is something wrong?
Frasier
Ah, no, no. It's just there's something I need to discuss with Niles.
Daphne
What, now? We were just having a chat!
Frasier
Well I'm sure it can wait.
Niles
Actually Daphne, I need to talk to Frasier, too. If you don't mind.
Daphne
Oh! Of course not! It's not like I have anything important to talk about!
Niles
Daphne all right?
Frasier
Well, uh, it's just wedding stuff, I guess. Speaking of which, I understand you have some, some news? You're married?
Niles
Yes. I guess Dad couldn't contain himself any more than I could.
Frasier
Well, I thought you were just gonna move in together.
Niles
Well, so did I! But then the strangest thing happened. As we talked about it, we got more and more excited about the idea of being together. And then I remembered your advice.
Niles
To stop taking baby steps through life. Before we knew it, we were asking the waitress for a phone book so we could find a justice-of-the-peace.
Frasier
Well, what can I say, but... congratulations.
Niles
Thank you!
Mel
Martin! Or should I say "Dad"?
Martin
[nervous] Yeah, I heard.
Frasier
Mel.
Niles
Darling... oh, darling, it occurred to me that perhaps we should keep this quiet from Daphne.
Daphne
Keep what quiet?
Mel
Oh, we can't keep something like this a secret! [takes Niles's hand] We got married!
Daphne
[freezes for a second, then] Did you?
Niles
Yes, while we were out of town. But the last thing we want is to upstage you and Donny, so we are not mentioning this outside this room.
Daphne
[coming to them and taking each of their hands] Well, I am just so happy for you both.
Niles
We're having champagne. Would you like to join us?
Daphne
Oh, I'd love to. But I have to get a check down to the caterers, they're closing early today.
Frasier
Let me drive you over, Daphne.
Daphne
Oh, no, I'm fine. Congratulations again. Oh, save a glass for me.