Radio Wars

Frasier

Hello?

Carlos

[v.o] Dr. Crane?

Frasier

Yes, who's this?

Carlos

Dr. Kaufmann. Bob Kaufmann of the National Psychotherapy Institute. Oh my gosh, it's six-fifteen in the morning your time. I hope I didn't wake you.

Frasier

No, no, I was up. [sits up] Er, where did you say you were calling from?

Carlos

The National Psychotherapy Institute...

Carlos

...in Saddle River, New Jersey.

Frasier

Oh yes, of course. What can I do for you?

Carlos

Oh, for Pete's sake. No one called you? You won our Radio Therapist of the Year Award. Congratulations.

Frasier

[takes it in] Well, thank you. Of course, the work itself is honor enough.

Carlos

Thank you! And I'm sorry about the mix-up. The problem is we're going to need some pictures of you so we can get started on the statue.

Frasier

Statue?

Carlos

For our Hall of Thinkers. [aside] Angie, he never got the packet!

Frasier

Is there anything I can do?

Carlos

Well, it's a little late now, but maybe if you describe your body we could get started on the preliminary carving. The sculptor's right here. Fortunately we got Herr Gustav Brumhalt.

Frasier

Oh, my.

Chicken

Dr. Crane, please, ja?

Frasier

Yes, yes, this is Dr. Crane speaking. Herr Brumhalt, may I say, it's quite an honor.

Chicken

Ja, Ja, Ja. We have your face, very handsome, but I need you to describe your body.

Frasier

Yes, of course. Er, six foot one, medium build, broad shoulders, sublimely proportioned...

Chicken

Ja, das ist gut, Ja. But before I order my marble I need to describe your, how do I say this, where you sit? Ja?

Frasier

Oh, my posterior, yeah well, that's a little sensitive, isn't it? [laughs]

Chicken

Oh, you don't want to tell me, I understand, it's a big one. Angie, order the big marble, please.

Frasier

Please put Dr. Kaufmann back on.

Chicken

No, I have a better idea. Why don't you send us a picture of your [reverts to normal voice] hindquarters and send it into KACL's new morning team...

Chicken/Carlos

Carlos And The Chicken!

Frasier

[takes it in] Dr. Kaufmann? Angie?

Frasier

Morning!

Daphne

[nearly laughing] Good morning, Dr. Crane.

Frasier

You won't believe what just happened to me! I was the victim of a radio prank.

Daphne

Oh, how terrible! [swallows her laughter]

Frasier

Yes, it's a sad day when getting a man to describe his own behind passes as humor.

Frasier

You heard the whole thing, didn't you!

Daphne

[comes back with coffee] Ja! I'm sorry, Dr. Crane, but they can be funny.

Frasier

Oh, that's all right, Daphne. "Carlos and the Chicken" are the sort of performers who keep popping up on the radio these days. So-called humorists who rely on cruel pranks and scatological references. Well, I suppose that's the sort of thing that passes for entertainment these days. You know, perhaps it's just a generational thing.

Martin

Man, they got you good! The Chicken was on fire! What a great bit!

Daphne

Yeah, I think it will be bit of the day.

Martin

Yeah!

Frasier

[gets up] I'm going back to bed.

Martin

Frasier, wait a minute, can you get me a tape of the show?

Frasier

What on earth for?

Martin

How often do you get to hear your son on the radio?!

Frasier

I'm on the radio everyday!

Frasier

Hello Roz, I suppose you heard about my unscheduled appearance on KACL's new morning show.

Roz

No, what happened?

Frasier

Well, the less said about it, the better.

Roz

Come on Frasier, why don't you pull up a couple of chairs and tell me about it? [laughs]

Frasier

Was everyone in Seattle listening at six in the morning?

Roz

Did they do it at six? I heard the replay at eight.

Waitress

[bringing Frasier's coffee] I heard it at nine-fifteen.

Roz

Congratulations, you were bit of the day!

Frasier

Oh, I thought the entire thing was rude and childish.

Roz

Well, you're just mad because you fell for it. Come on, Frasier, "Hall of Thinkers"?

Frasier

Well, it's not such a bad idea. In a society where we glorify our athletes and rock musicians, I thought maybe we should... [then] Well, it was early.

Roz

Hey, that's them over there with Kenny. Wow! The Chicken's a lot cuter than he is on his billboard. Of course, he's not squatting in a feather suit trying to hatch Carlos's head.

Frasier

Do you know, I think I might just go over there and introduce myself.

Roz

I don't know what you're thinking, but don't.

Frasier

I'm just going to go over there and let them know that what they did today was completely unacceptable.

Roz

Frasier, I know guys like this. Once they know they can rattle you, they never stop. Just take your lumps and laugh it off.

Frasier

I'm perfectly capable of laughing it off, I just want to let them know that I don't appreciate being made the punch line at my own station. I'm going to go over there and tell them from now on, I don't want any part of their shenanigans.

Roz

Oh God, please don't say "shenanigans!"

Frasier

Hello, Kenny. I believe introductions are in order.

Kenny

Oh, right, Dr. Frasier Crane, this is the Chicken and Carlos.

Carlos

Ah, ah...

Kenny

What?

Carlos

We're actually called "Carlos and the Chicken."

Frasier

Yes well, nice to meet you boys. About this morning...

Kenny

Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, I don't want to see any feathers flying here. [laughs] Just kidding.

Carlos

Dr. Crane, I hope we didn't go too far. We love your show.

Frasier

Really, you're listeners?

Carlos

Oh yeah, we're big fans. And you know, the last thing we want to do is step on your toes.

Frasier

Well you know, you do tread a fine line with your style of comedy, but perhaps you can be excused for stomping on it rather exuberantly on your first day. Just keep in mind in the future that this station does have a certain pecking order. [laughs]

Carlos

We totally get it, Dr. Crane, it felt wrong when we did it.

Chicken

Sure did, sure you're not upset or anything?

Frasier

Oh no, no harm, no foul. [laughs]

Chicken

It's great meeting you, Dr. Crane.

Frasier

Likewise, boys. Hey, call me Frasier, but don't call me at home.

Carlos

And Dr. Crane: we're listening!

Roz

Is it over? I couldn't look.

Frasier

For God's sake, Roz, have a little faith in me. After all, I do reason with people for a living. It's all settled. You know, they're good kids, really, quite sensible actually.

Roz

Yeah, if you go for beer-belching frat boy types - which I do, was the Chicken wearing a wedding ring?

Frasier

You know, I really did overreact this morning. After all, it was kind of cute, I suppose. [laughs] "Hall of Thinkers." Never let it be said that Frasier Crane is the kind of man who is incapable of laughing at himself.

Waitress

These are for you.

Frasier

[laughs] Yes, I see, some patron has sent me some sticky buns. [to café] Very funny. Very funny, indeed.

Waitress

You ordered those, sir.

Frasier

Oh, so I did, thank you.

Martin

No kidding. He's flying you to Las Vegas for the fight? [so Frasier can hear] That's a great son you've got there, Duke.

Daphne

Good morning, Dr. Crane.

Niles

Hello, Daphne, Dad. Frasier, I thought you might like to join me. I'm going down to Abigail's to have my crepe pans re-seasoned.

Frasier

Gosh, I'd love to, Niles, but I've just drawn myself a nice herbal bath.

Martin

[laughs] No, no, it's just Daphne, she's watching PBS. Okay, I'll talk to you later, Duke. [hangs up] Does the whole world have to know what goes on in this house?

Frasier

Help yourself to some coffee, Niles.

Niles

Thank you.

Daphne

Dr. Crane, how do you know it's time to have your crepe pans re-seasoned, anyway?

Niles

It can be confusing. But this may help: "Saucepans in summer, crepe pans in fall, when winter's upon us, there's food for us all."

Martin

Whoever it is, I am not home, I am not here!

Niles

Hello.

Chicken

[v.o with accent] Is Dr. Crane there?

Niles

No, actually he's taking a bath.

Chicken

Who's this?

Niles

This is his brother, Niles.

Chicken

Okay, well this is the building superintendent.

Chicken

I'm in the bathroom just below his and I think the pipes are getting corroded. Is your brother putting anything unusual in his bath?

Niles

I'm not exactly sure what he puts in his bath. Better let me ask him.

Martin

I smell a bit.

Daphne

Put the radio on.

Frasier

I'm in the mood for love...

Niles

Frasier-

Frasier

Simply because you're near me...

Niles

Frasier, what do you put in your bath water?

Frasier

You know very well it's a proprietary blend, Niles.

Niles

No, no, no, it's your super. There's something corroding the pipes in the unit below you, he thinks it may be something in your tub. [hands him the phone]

Frasier

[to phone] Hello, yes, I'm sure it's not my fault but if you insist, I use... [waits for Niles to exit] ...jasmine, lavender, rose hips and a little Tahitian Vanilla.

Chicken

Yeah well, it sounds okay. Boy, with a bath like that I bet the ladies sure go for you though, huh?

Frasier

Yes well, love does enter through the nose.

Chicken

Hey you know, the neighbors down here have been complaining about a little sound bleed-through. I think we got a bad tile, I sure would like to check it. I heard you sing into the phone earlier. You think you could, I don't know, do it again?

Frasier

All right.

Chicken

Yeah, that's great. I definitely heard some bleed-through. You know, I could isolate the tile if you could just walk around a little bit... [Carlos bounces in his chair] or maybe you know, if you could stomp around that would be great.

Frasier

Stomp around?

Chicken

Yeah, well look, if it's too much trouble I could send my assistant, Jimmy, up to stomp around.

Frasier

Oh, no, no, please. You just leave Jimmy where he is. I certainly don't need an audience while I'm singing in the bathtub.

Chicken

I really appreciate this. We'll get it all cleared up in a jiffy. Thanks a lot, Dr. Crane.

Frasier

Just wait a second and I'll tell you when I'm ready.

Frasier

I'm ready. Here goes.

Frasier

I'm in the mood for love, [stomps his foot] Simply because you're near me, [starts jumping around] Funny but...

Frasier

[on radio] When you're near meeeeee....

Frasier

I'm in the mood for love...

Chicken

Oh my God! The whole ceiling's falling down. Ow!

Frasier

Oh, good Lord! [retreats and sits on edge of tub]

Frasier

Niles, be careful, the whole ceiling's caving in.

Chicken

Hey listen, I think we found out what the problem is: it's that humongous ass of yours!

Carlos

Listeners, "Carlos and the Chicken" are offering one thousand dollars for the best picture of Frasier Crane's humongous ass for our website.

Frasier

[hangs up] Oh, dear God!

Niles

Now, now, it won't get you down for long. You've always had a thick skin. [starts to giggle] Unless that Tahitian Vanilla softened you up a bit...

Frasier

GET OUT!

Frasier

[enters] Leave me alone! For God's sake, have some respect.

Martin

Was that Mrs. Kurdsmen?

Frasier

She dropped her medication in the hallway. As I stooped to pick it up, out came her camera like an assassin's blade. Well, if she wants to control those blood clots, she'll cough up that film! [puts the pills on the cabinet]

Martin

You're really getting riled up.

Frasier

I certainly am.

Martin

Come on, they're just pranks. Back in the force, we used to do stuff like this all the time. We'd fill a guy's hat with shaving cream or nail his shoes to the floor. Sometimes we'd get a guy dead drunk and leave him in a drawer in the morgue! [laughs]

Frasier

You know, Dad, I might have been able to laugh it off if all of Seattle hadn't started stalking me with cameras!

Frasier

Quickly Niles, inside, come on! [slams the door]

Niles

Why didn't you hold the elevator? Didn't you hear me shouting?

Frasier

That was you? I'm sorry, Niles, I was afraid you were trying to get a picture of my butt!

Niles

How exciting to be present at the birth of a new phobia. [gives Frasier a look]

Frasier

I'm talking about Carlos and the Chicken.

Niles

Oh, yes, their little contest. I can't believe anyone's taking that seriously.

Frasier

Oh, well, they won't be for much longer. I've decided it's time to fight back. I was up to all hours last night crafting my response to those two idiots. I believe I have arrived at a masterful rebuttal.

Martin

I'm not sure you want to call it your reBUTTal.

Niles

I see your "Bartlett's" is out. You're not pulling any punches!

Frasier

Hardly. I go in swinging with La Rochéfoucauld: "If we had no faults of our own, we would not take so much pleasure in noticing those of others."

Niles

[boxing-match style] Ouch!

Frasier

And when I've knocked them reeling, I go in with a jab of Dorothy Parker: "Wit has truth in it, wise-cracking is merely calisthenics with words."

Niles

Pow!

Frasier

And when they're bloody and against the ropes, I go in with the kill - [shadow-boxing] Twain, Wilde, Twain, Twain, Mencken!

Niles

It's not a fight, it's an execution!

Martin

You know Frasier, if you go and read that on the air you're going to set yourself up for a year of abuse. You know, this kind of thing is probably the reason why these guys started picking on you in the first place.

Frasier

All right, Dad, what exactly are you saying? That I somehow managed to bring all this misery on myself?

Martin

No, I'm not saying that, just... well, have you ever wondered why these bullies have always kind of zeroed in on you two?

Niles

No, we don't wonder why, we know the reason:

Frasier/Niles

Jealousy!

Martin

Okay, so there's a little bit of that too. But you know, you kinda give people the impression that you're... above them.

Frasier

Pish-tosh!

Niles

Poppycock!

Niles

Morning, Daphne.

Frasier

Oh, Daphne, do you think we're snobby, superior and condescending?

Daphne

That's it! I'm getting my door sound-proofed.

Martin

See what I mean? People think you're stuffy. You know, with your opera parties, and your wine parties, and your seasoned crepe pans.

Frasier

In my defense, Niles is the only one who has ever seasoned his crepe pans.

Niles

Which is the precisely why I've had the same set since the ninth grade, thank you very much.

Martin

My point is, you guys could never resist putting on airs. Even when you were in junior high, you used to love that TV program, "The Avengers." You used to run all over the neighborhood pretending you were that guy with the umbrella... Steve.

Frasier

Steed!

Niles

[rolls his eyes] Dad!

Frasier

There were worse role models. Steed was dapper and witty. When anyone tried to give him grief, he gave them a sound thrashing with the umbrella.

Martin

Well, that's great, admire him if you want. But did you have to run through the neighborhood in bowler hats? I mean, you were just begging to get beat up.

Frasier

Come to think of it, it was rather a rough summer that year, wasn't it?

Niles

I remember getting a chin strap so the bowler wouldn't fall off when I ran.

Martin

And all that did was make you look like Elizabeth Taylor in "National Velvet." My point is, if you go down to the station and read that over the air, then you might as well go down there in a great big bowler hat. I mean, people are never going to let you forget it.

Daphne

You know, it's funny hearing you talk about "The Avengers." My first Halloween in America, I went to a party dressed as Mrs. Peel. Head-to-toe in that skintight black leather catsuit. [Niles looks up] Come to think of it, I still have it somewhere, and Halloween's coming up.

Martin

Catsuit, huh? [referring to Eddie who has just come in] Better not let this guy hear you talking about that, he'll go nuts.

Niles

I would not! [sees Eddie] ...be surprised if he did! Ho-ho-ho. [strokes Eddie]

Frasier

Excuse me. [answers] Hello? Why, Roz - yes, just calm down. No, no, I'm not listening. Hang on a second.

Frasier

[on radio] Roz! Oh, dear God!

Carlos

[on radio] I think we're going to have to throw a bucket of water on those two.

Chicken

[on radio] Roz and Frasier stopped around for a quick hello, next thing you know, they're getting it on in the booth!

Frasier

Roz!

Roz

[on radio] Frasier!

Frasier

Roz!

Roz

Frasier!

Frasier

Do we have time to squeeze in one more?

Roz

Plenty of time, Frasier. Two more minutes.

Carlos

You know, for a man carrying around a good fifty extra pounds of ass, Frasier Crane has got unbelievable stamina. Frasier, where do you get your energy?

Frasier

Lavender, rose hips and a little Tahitian Vanilla.

Carlos

Oh my God, they're changing positions. I've never seen that one before.

Frasier

Love does enter through the nose.

Frasier

Call you back, Roz. [hangs up] I'm going down there.

Martin

Frasier...

Frasier

Dad, don't try to talk me out of this, I'm going to teach those two a lesson, they'll not soon forget. [grabs speech] Where's my umbrella?

Martin

Oh no, not that again! Not the umbrella, I'm begging you!

Frasier

It's raining!

Frasier

No! No, stop it!

Frasier

Roz, what are you doing here?

Roz

I am getting revenge, that's what! These guys are going down! Did you hear the disgusting, vile things they said about me?

Frasier

Just the part about us having sex.

Roz

Exactly! And now they've got a photo contest about me now, too.

Frasier

Roz, a thousand dollars for a shot of your behind? Sorry.

Roz

No, it's fifty bucks and a six-pack. And there were seven winners before I even left the house. Frasier, what shall we do? Slash their tires, should we crack their windshields?

Frasier

No, I was thinking of a more direct approach, Roz.

Roz

Oh, I'm down with that too! Next commercial, I'll get the Chicken, you take the big guy.

Frasier

No, no, that's not it and you know it, Roz.

Roz

I knew you'd say that. Fine, I'll take the big guy.

Frasier

No, no, Roz. Listen to yourself, you're lusting for blood like a barbarian. I've a more civilized approach in mind. I have composed a speech!

Roz

A speech? Well, unless you plan to roll it up and cram it down their throats, what good is that gonna do?

Frasier

Just watch me.

Roz

No, Frasier, they're never going to stop making fun of you.

Frasier

Roz, I don't care. I just figured out something, you know, maybe you can't stop bullies from attacking you, but the only way they win is if they change who you are, and I'll tell you something, let them do their worst. They will not knock the bowler off of this head!

Roz

[opens the door] What does that mean?!

Carlos

Holy Cow, look who just walked into the booth: Frasier Crane, the automatic sex pilot.

Chicken

What's up, love doctor?

Frasier

Oh, I think you two know what's up. There's only so much I can take, there's only so much anyone can take from a juvenile comic and his straight man. I believe it was La Rochéfoucauld who first said...

Chicken

Listen to me, I'll take my straight man over your sex- starved producer any day, my friend.

Roz

[bursts in] Nobody...

Carlos

Hey, wait a second, I'm not your straight man. If anything, I'm the funny one.

Chicken

Let's not start with this again, okay?

Carlos

You're the one who just started it, on the air!

Frasier

It was La Rochéfoucauld that first said...

Carlos

You always do this.

Chicken

Hey Carlos, the therapist said not to use the word "always."

Carlos

I just wish you could say I was as funny as you are.

Chicken

Now, I wish I could say that too, but who does all the funny voices?

Frasier

La Rochéfoucauld once said-

Carlos

If I'm so unfunny, how come I get all the solo gigs?

Chicken

Oh, now I'm laughing, ha-ha!

Carlos

Don't believe me? Ask our agent!

Chicken

You talked to Zachary behind my back.

Frasier

You know, if I could just get a word in...

Carlos

I'm going.

Chicken

Go ahead, be my guest.

Carlos

Great, because I don't need you and I don't need "Carlos and the Chicken."

Chicken

Oh, really? Well, best of luck, funny boy!

Carlos

Same to you, Dwayne! [exits]

Chicken

Hey, that's not cool.

Frasier

Chicken! I believe it was La Rochéfoucauld, the great French thinker...

Chicken

Hey, give it a rest, double-wide, I went to grad school too. And P.S.: It's pronounced [different] "La Rochéfoucald."

Frasier

[livid] That's it! Nobody corrects my French pronunciation, you son of a...!

Kenny

[calls after] Chicken! [to Frasier] Did you have to be so vicious?

Frasier

Me?!

Kenny

We got dead air, take over! [exits]

Frasier

Yes, right. [sits at microphone] This is Dr. Frasier Crane, I'll be filling in for the next hour of the morning zoo with my own particular brand of zany antics. [thinks, then] Let's see, em, you know there was a fabulous cartoon in the recent "New Yorker". Let me see if I can describe it for you...