Everyone's A Critic
Aired 14th October 1999 · Written by Joe Keenan · Directed by Pamela Fryman
Frasier
Till tomorrow then, this is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you...
Frasier
Oh, yes. Be sure to tune in later for the final broadcast of KACL's loveable curmudgeon, Chester Ludgate. You know, most of us here at the station were surprised to hear that he was retiring. I for one thought he'd never leave. [presses button]
Roz
[enters] So, should we order a pizza?
Frasier
Sorry?
Roz
Those PSA's you promised you'd help me with are due tomorrow.
Frasier
Oh gosh, Roz, I really am sorry. You know, it seems Mrs. Delafield's daughter is coming here to join us as an intern. I promised Kenny I'd show her around and take her to dinner.
Roz
So, while I'm working late, eating my vending-machine dinner, you'll be out having a gourmet meal with some cute rich girl.
Frasier
Oh, you can make anything sound unfair.
Kenny
Hey, Doc.
Frasier
Kenny, and who have we here?
Kenny
Dr. Frasier Crane, I'd like you to meet Miss Poppy Delafield. Well, gotta run. [swiftly exits]
Frasier
Poppy, what a pleasure to meet the daughter of our beloved station owner. So, what brings you to KACL?
Poppy
Well, I was in Paris last month - or was it Madrid? - No, Paris, and I said to myself, "that's enough gallivanting for you, young lady, it's time to get a job." So I flew home and asked my mother, Minnie, if I could nose around and see if some job, you know, spoke to me at one of her radio stations, or TV stations or newspapers. But not her brewery, thank you very much! So, here I am. Sleeves rolled up, ready to learn. Is this where you do your show? Of course it is, there's your mike right in front of me. Earth to Poppy!
Poppy
There's Gil, I met him earlier. Hi, Gil!
Poppy
Nice man. I think it's marvelous what you do. To really help people. Unlike the psychiatrists I've been to, both of whom had some sort of, I don't know, narcolepsy. I sympathize, but if you can't stay awake, don't be a psychiatrist!
Poppy
To do what you do, to face that microphone day after day and know that for the next three hours you're going to have to talk and talk and talk? I could not do it! I would freeze! Literally freeze!
Frasier
Excuse me. [grabs the phone] Hello? Yes, Dad. All right, calm down, calm down. Was there much blood?
Poppy
Oh my gosh!
Frasier
All right, Dad, I'll be there as soon as I can, hang on a second. [puts phone to chest, to Poppy] I'm terrible sorry, there's been a small emergency at home. I'm gonna have to pass on today, may I take a rain check?
Poppy
Oh, and we were having such a nice chat.
Frasier
This is Roz, my producer. You know Roz, I'll gladly do those promos if you would be so kind as to take Poppy to dinner and answer her questions.
Roz
Sure, if you don't get bored listening to me drone on about radio.
Frasier
Oh, I don't think there's much chance of that!
Frasier
What the hell is happening?
Martin
Well, remember last week when Eddie killed his first rat? And how proud I was? I told you that story, right?
Frasier
Yes, Dad, you told us. If you had a guitar you would have written a ballad.
Martin
Well, we were just down in the basement and I saw another rat. I said, "go get him, boy!" So just as he picked him up, had him in his teeth, shaking the life out of him, and I hear this little bell, ting-a-ling. And I thought, "that's funny - rats don't wear bells!"
Daphne
Oh, little Robbie Greenberg's missing hamster!
Frasier
Yes, I read that flyer. He was offering a ten dollar reward.
Martin
Well, the most we can claim at this point is about six-fifty.
Frasier
You know Dad, this is actually your fault. You know if you hadn't encouraged him after he killed his first rat he wouldn't have moved on to murdering hamsters!
Martin
Well, what are you talking about? We don't know it was Eddie who killed him. He might have had a heart attack, or some kind of seizure when he bounced off the boiler!
Frasier
Niles!
Niles
Prepare to whoop like a sweepstakes winner. Cancel our dinner! I've scored us two seats, front row for the event of the season.
Frasier
You mean...?
Niles
Yes.
Frasier
But...?
Niles
I know! [proudly holds up the tickets]
Frasier
Niles!
Martin
[aside to Daphne] I love it when they do it this way, I can pretend it's a Seahawks game.
Frasier
My God, it's for the Cecilia Bartoli concert! My God, they've been sold out for months. How on earth did you score these tickets?
Niles
I simply phoned the box office and said this is Niles Crane, the new arts critic for "The Monocle."
Daphne
"The Monocle." Isn't that that magazine they hand out to rich people in all the snootiest apartment buildings?
Niles
And the snootiest hotels.
Frasier
How could this happen, Niles?
Niles
I was at a party thrown by the publisher, Olga Suerbread. The pretentious fop who had the job before me was there too, spouting sheer drivel about Leonard Bernstein. Being polite I kept my tongue sheathed. Until he referred to Bernstein's conducting as "overrated."
Frasier
[indignant] I assume you pounced?
Niles
[dignified] Like a ninja! By the time I had finished with him, Olga could see I was a far better critic than that arrogant poseur.
Daphne
She fired him right there?
Niles
Well, he was leaving anyway for his junior year abroad.
Frasier
Well, it's a post. Congratulations are in order. You know, who would have thought my little brother a professional music critic?
Niles
Oh, oh, and not just music. I can review anything I want. Theater, dance, art exhibits.
Frasier
You don't say?
Niles
Yes, from now on, wherever we go, I'll be armed with my trusty pad and penlight.
Frasier
Wherever we go? What fun.
Niles
[takes some opera glasses from his pocket] I'll have to take a damp cloth to these opera glasses, although I don't know what will we use them for, sitting in the front row? Unless it's to scan the faces of the jealous people behind us.
Martin
So, are you sure you're okay with Niles getting this critic job?
Frasier
Why wouldn't I be, Dad?
Martin
Oh, come on, I know what it's like with you two when one of you gets something the other one doesn't have. It's like when you were kids. Niles got a telescope, so you had to have a telescope. You got that funny little guitar, Niles...
Frasier
Dad, it was called a lute!
Martin
Oh yeah, whatever.
Frasier
Dad, believe me, I do not envy Niles his critic's job. As kids we would aggravate the situation by flaunting our toys in each other's faces. We're much more mature than that now, all right?
Frasier
Niles, you know, it's about time we got going. We don't want to be late for the curtain.
Niles
[flaunting] Don't be silly, I'm press now. They'll hold it.
Poppy
So, that's how it ends: B minus average, ten extra pounds and still no boyfriend.
Roz
I see Poppy's having a little party.
Frasier
That's not a party, that's a hostage situation.
Roz
Thank God today is her last day. You know, this morning she cornered me by the coffee machine and told me her whole life story. I just wanted to grab her by the throat and say, "What am I, your biographer? Shut up!"
Gil
Dear God! I thought I'd never break free. I feel like a mongoose at the mercy of a chatty cobra.
Niles
Hello, all. I see you all ready have the "Times." I'm quoted there today.
Frasier
In the "Times?"
Niles
Yes, here, [shows Roz the bit] it's in an ad for "St. Joan": "'Incandescent,' Niles Crane, 'The Monocle.'"
Roz
[stands] Wow! Excuse me while I go and tell all my friends I know you!
Niles
[yawns] Forgive me. Olga and I were up till all hours at a party for the "Royal Shakespeare Company." I'm rubbing pretty impressive shoulders these days. And to think it's all because I have a small column.
Frasier
[keeping his eyes on his newspaper] That would certainly be the Freudian interpretation!
Niles
If I were to review that attitude I would say it was a chilling portrait of malice and envy.
Frasier
Oh Niles, I'm not the least bit envious that you get to spout off in that glorified cat-box liner.
Niles
You just can't stand it that my opinion means more than yours. That the arts community looks to me for my insight, my approval, my thumbs-up.
Frasier
I think we both know what your thumb's up these days!
Niles
That's a good one, Frasier. Perhaps you should use it in your column. Oh, that's right - you don't HAVE one!
Frasier
That smug jackass!
Roz
Frasier, you have a radio show. If you wanted to say what you thought of a play, what's stopping you?
Frasier
It's not the same thing as being a real critic, Roz. You don't get free tickets... you don't get quoted... forget hobnobbing.
Roz
My God, this competition between you and your brother is sick. Your obsessive one-upmanship. You're both going to end up bitter old cranks like Chester Ludgate.
Frasier
You know, you do raise a good point, Roz.
Roz
Thank you.
Frasier
Chester's time slot is free, I could do my own arts show.
Frasier
Kenny? Listen, Roz just had a wonderful idea.
Kenny
Yeah, doc?
Frasier
What do you say about yours truly hosting a bouncy little show about the arts in Seattle?
Kenny
Culture? Wow! That's a great idea, let me chew on that and I'll get back to you.
Frasier
Great! You see, Roz, he loved your idea
Roz
That was not my idea.
Frasier
It was too your idea.
Roz
It was not...
Kenny
Look, Doc, honestly, I feel kinda bad about what I just did. I let you think there was a chance that I might you let you do this culture show and... there's not.
Frasier
No chance at all?
Kenny
No. I mean, come on Doc. You, culture, opera. Who's listening? Not me! [laughs]
Frasier
Damn! I think my show's a good idea.
Roz
Well, Kenny's the station manager and he doesn't.
Frasier
You know what, frankly, I don't like his attitude. He acts as if he owns the station but he doesn't. Someone else does.
Roz
Poppy!
Frasier
The next best thing, her mother!
Roz
No, Poppy.
Poppy
Hi, Frasier.
Frasier
Hello, Poppy. Gosh, would you care to join?
Poppy
I can't. Mummy's taking me shopping. She spoils me something horrible, I guess it's an "only child" thing. Anything I want, I just have to ask.
Frasier
[getting an idea] Anything you want? Well, that's interesting. You know, Poppy, we could join each other for lunch after your shopping spree.
Poppy
Oh, I'd love it.
Frasier
Would you really? You know, it just seems a shame you leaving the station and us never really getting to know one another.
Poppy
Oh, it hasn't been easy. I mean, with you having those dental appointments everyday.
Frasier
[guilty] Yes. Let me walk you out. [stands up]
Poppy
You know, I should get the name of your dentist. I can't find one I like. They're always giving me Novocaine when I don't need it and then it's hours before I can talk again.
Frasier
Oh yes, well, I can give you his number, although I'm not sure he'd be any different.
Frasier
Divine Beethoven. Extraordinary, isn't it?
Poppy
Oh, yeah. And do you know what makes it more amazing?
Frasier
What?
Poppy
[declares] He was deaf!
Frasier
Daphne, more paté please.
Frasier
Poppy, I can't tell you how wonderful it is to meet someone who shares my passion for the arts. It's a rare thing to find in Seattle, believe me.
Poppy
Is it?
Frasier
Oh yes, sadly. If only more people were better informed about our city's rich cultural treasures. [hinting] But what can we as mere radio folk do?
Poppy
Well... [delayed reaction] What about a radio show all about the arts in Seattle?
Frasier
Oh my God, Poppy, that's a wonderful idea. How do you do it, you just pull these things out of the air! Good Heavens, of course we'll have to find ourselves a proper host, but who?
Poppy
Well someone very smart.
Frasier
Oh, indeed.
Poppy
And cultured.
Frasier
[French] Bien Sur!
Poppy
And with a lovely speaking voice.
Frasier
[articulated] Oh, I don't think we need to look too far.
Daphne
Here you go. It's very rich, so don't spread it on too thick!
Poppy
Frasier, I'm so glad you're on board with this.
Frasier
You know, my only concern is will Kenny go for it? You see, he's a bit of a Philistine. It might be better if the suggestion came not actually from us but from... [no response] someone else.
Poppy
Who?
Frasier
Well, someone with more authority, power, influence... [no response] Someone older... [no response] A woman perhaps... [no response]
Daphne
[fed up] Your mother! He means your mother!
Poppy
Oh, what a great idea. I'll call her. [stands]
Frasier
Here, use mine.
Poppy
Thank you.
Poppy
Hello, mummy. I'm with Frasier Crane and we think there should be an arts show on KACL. But I really like this idea! So, you'll call Kenny and tell him you want this, okay? Love you too, okay, bye. [hangs up]
Poppy
And the first show should be?
Frasier
Why don't we start tomorrow? But we'll need something to review.
Poppy
That revival of "A Streetcar Names Desire" opens tonight.
Frasier
Brilliant, let's go together. I'll see you at the theater.
Martin
Oh, Poppy.
Poppy
[to Eddie, loudly as if he is a baby] Hewwo, wittle Eddie, did you have a good walk? [Eddie runs off]
Martin
Actually, we've just been to the vets.
Poppy
[standing in door way] I had the cutest little dog when I was young, named Mr. Poops, every time we took him to the vet's he...
Daphne
You took Eddie to the vet, is he sick?
Martin
No, it turns out the building security camera caught Eddie taking out Robbie Greenberg's hamster. So this Greenberg kid's trying to make Eddie out to be some kind of pit bull, he's organizing some petition to get him banned from the building.
Frasier
[repressing glee] Oh Dad, that's terrible.
Martin
Yeah, it is. I don't know, I just wanted everyone to see what a nice, calm, friendly dog Eddie was.
Frasier
Why did you take him to the vet?
Martin
Tranquilizers. They don't even work anyway. I gave Eddie one of those pills on the ride home, they didn't do a thing to him. I don't know, I think maybe he needs something else.
Daphne
Uh, Mr. Crane?
Frasier
Looks like all he needs is a lava lamp and some sitar music.
Frasier
Niles!
Niles
Well, I'm glad to see you're in a better mood. I was hoping you'd lend me your Tennessee Williams biography. I have to review that revival of "Streetcar" tonight and I wanted to throw in some background stuff.
Frasier
Well, I'm sorry Niles, you know, normally I would have lent it, but I'll be needing it myself for my own review.
Niles
Oh. Well, in that case I'll... [realizes] What?
Frasier
Oh, that's right, you wouldn't have heard. You see, starting tomorrow I'll be doing my own little arts show on KACL, twice weekly.
Niles
You envious reptile!
Frasier
[picks up plate] Paté?
Niles
I achieve one thing, one tiny distinction you don't have, and what do you do? You run whining to Kenny for extra airtime.
Frasier
I did no such thing!
Daphne
No, he went to that Poppy woman instead.
Niles
Poppy?!
Frasier
[to Daphne] Is this a panel discussion?
Niles
You loathe Poppy!
Frasier
I do not, I think she's delightful, [to Daphne] isn't she?
Daphne
She's an idiot!
Niles
You conniving copy-cat! You have to have whatever I have.
Frasier
I don't have what you have. My audience is twice as large as yours is!
Niles
Well, at least my audience can read!
Frasier
How dare you review my audience!
Niles
I'll review anything I want to!
Daphne
[referring to Eddie] I've never seen him like this. Eyes bulging, tongue lolling out...
Martin
Oh, he always gets that way when he fights with Niles!
Frasier
Good morning, Roz.
Roz
Hi.
Frasier
Are you ready for our debut? I'm thinking of calling the show, "Frasier Crane's 'I'll Say'." But with the "I'll" spelt like a theatre aisle.
Roz
[sarcastic] That should work real well on radio! You better watch out for Kenny, I heard he's pretty mad at you for going over his head.
Frasier
He can't be mad at me, the whole thing was Poppy's idea. [Poppy runs by outside] Oh, here she is now, come to wish me luck.
Poppy
I was afraid I wouldn't get here in time.
Frasier
Oh, here, here. [sits her down in his chair] We've got a few minutes to go before the show starts. Take a seat, catch your breath. Oh gosh, I'm really glad you made it. You know, it wouldn't be a proper debut without you.
Poppy
Wow! All these buttons, how do you do it?
Frasier
Oh, it's not that complicated, really. You know, I turn on the mike here, these are my call buttons. Oh, and I push this button here if I want to cough. [shows her]
Poppy
How does it make you cough?
Frasier
You know, Poppy, I hate to rush you, but we've just a couple of minutes before the show so...
Poppy
[screams and stands up, only to sit back down again taking a script out of her handbag] I better get a move on. [reads her script]
Frasier
Poppy, what are you doing?
Poppy
Getting ready for my show.
Roz
[confused] One minute!
Frasier
Your show?
Poppy
Well, okay, our show. After all, it was your idea for me to do it. [shouts] Everybody, everybody come in here, please.
Poppy
Before I begin my new show I just want to say a few words. Yesterday, I was ready to leave KACL. To run away like I have from so many other challenges. It was the support of one man, Frasier Crane, [Frasier looks horrified at what he's done] that helped me overcome this shyness many people may have observed in me, and to follow my dreams. [crying] Oh my God, I want to cry.
Gil
We all do.
Roz
[angry] Ten seconds!
Gil
How could you do this to us?
Frasier
I had no idea she intended to stay.
Kenny
That's not what her mother told me!
Gil
And I thought I'd seen some cruel pranks in the army.
Frasier
I assure you, she is way out of her depth here. Any moment she'll realize she's in over her head, she'll be begging me to go in there and take over for her.
Poppy
[slow, excruciating voice obviously reading from a script] "A Streetcar Named Desire" is a very powerful Broadway play. It was made into a movie starring Marlon Brando. This gave the play a very personal relevance to me, as I once sat next to Mr. Brando on the Concord and we had a very lovely chat until a sudden cramp forced him to change seats."
Poppy
"Streetcar" tells the tragic tale of [Southern accent] Blanche DuBois, who's a very gentile, very proper Southern lady. [as if it is a horror movie] Or is she?!
Frasier
Go ahead, Niles, I know you were listening.
Niles
Well, I wish you'd lent her your Tennessee Williams's biography. She wouldn't have kept forgetting his name and calling him "Indiana Jones."
Niles
If it's any consolation, I got fired from "The Monocle."
Frasier
[stops the smile creeping to his face] Niles, I'm sorry.
Niles
I panned a wretched musical, not realizing the lead was the person who does Olga's hair.
Frasier
She fired you just to placate her hairdresser?
Niles
Electrolysist. And if you'd ever seen her in a sundress, you'd forgive her as I have.
Frasier
Oh, I am sorry, Niles. Gosh, it's a shame, really. You know, I know how much you loved that job, and to lose it in such an unceremonious fashion.
Niles
Well, you know... I was thinking of quitting that job anyway.
Frasier
Oh?
Niles
I thought I was spreading myself too thin. Getting distracted from my real work.
Frasier
I had the exact same thought. Even as I was preparing my show, I thought, "Am I being fair to my regular listeners?"
Niles
They do depend on you.
Frasier
As do your patients.
Niles
Thank you.
Frasier
God, is it any wonder we find ourselves ex-critics?
Niles
We were meant to lose those jobs.
Frasier
It's as if the Gods of psychiatry, jealous of our dallyings, have quietly stepped in and put things right.
Niles
Well put!
Frasier
Thank you. You know, Niles, if you're feeling a bit hungry, we could catch an early dinner and then...
Niles
Oh, oh, and then catch the new Stoppard play.
Frasier
You know, it's just a shame my listeners never got to hear my review of "Streetcar."
Niles
Insightful?
Frasier
Groundbreaking!
Niles
As was mine.
Frasier
Yes well, it takes a psychiatrist to interpret that play.
Niles
Indeed.
Frasier
All right, you go first.
Niles
All right.
Frasier
Go.
Niles
"A descent into madness, and it was well worth the trip in this incandescent revival of 'A Streetcar Named Desire'...."
Frasier
Just a moment Niles, "incandescent," isn't that the word they quoted you on in "The Times?"
Niles
Well, yes.
Frasier
You use that all the time.