The Dog That Rocks The Cradle
Aired 21st October 1999 · Written by Bob Daily · Directed by Pamela Fryman
Roz
I'm sorry I brought Alice today when we have so much work to do.
Frasier
Oh, that's all right, Roz. You know what, you'll find another nanny soon.
Roz
I better. I have a date tomorrow. It's my first one in a month. A month! Between spending my days with you and my nights with Alice, I've forgot what a real conversation is like.
Frasier
Well, don't tell Alice that, it might hurt her feelings.
Roz
There we go again!
Niles
Just look at the dapper gent I ran into on the elevator.
Martin
All right, Niles, that's enough. Yes, I like the suit you got me. [Martin takes overcoat off revealing a black suit]
Niles
All right. Well, tell me about the comments. Did everybody there ooh and aah?
Martin
Nope, people were pretty much looking at the guy in the casket.
Frasier
So, Dad, how was the funeral?
Martin
Oh, it was terrible. It's not at all the way Stan would have wanted it. They did everything on the cheap and that daughter of his, she didn't even get the good priest. She got some rookie from the seminary who stumbled all through the eulogy and couldn't even pronounce "Wojadubakowski!"
Niles
Well, I can commiserate with you, Dad. I had a rather bad day on the death front myself. [heads to sherry shelf] Sherry?
Frasier
Yes please, Niles.
Niles
[pours two glasses] I received a letter today saying, thanks to my divorce, I've lost my plot at Seattle's toniest cemetery.
Frasier
You mean, you're out of "Verdant Hills?" Oh, I am sorry, I know how much you were looking forward to being dead there.
Niles
They've wait-listed me, but I don't like my odds.
Frasier
I don't blame you. One country club fire, you can kiss your chances goodbye.
Daphne
I went to all sorts of funerals as a child. My uncle's a mortician. Lovely man. He's offered to do my make-up for the wedding. [exits to her room]
Frasier
I can just hear the whispers now. "Did you see the bride? Very life-like." Dad, you know, I'm sorry about your friend's funeral not going so well. Rest assured, when the time comes - years from now - Niles and I will follow your wishes to the letter.
Martin
Thank you.
Niles
Wait, Dad, what are your wishes?
Martin
Never mind, I'm not going to go planning my own funeral, it's bad luck.
Frasier
But, Dad...
Martin
Ah, ah, ah, you don't pull the cord on the bus until you're ready to get off.
Niles
[confused] Pull the what on the what?
Frasier
I don't know.
Niles
I'm surprised. I didn't know Dad had such a bugaboo about his funeral arrangements.
Frasier
Yeah, I know, it's a painful subject, but we've got to plan for it. We all must be prepared when the cold hand of death comes knocking on our door.
Frasier
Would you get that?
Niles
I most certainly will not.
Bulldog
Pizza.
Frasier
[taking it] Oh, thank you very much. [notices] Bulldog? Good Lord, come in. [he does] Oh heavens, you remember my brother Niles. Niles, you remember Bulldog.
Niles
Yes, of course. Hello, Bulldog. So, are you delivering pizzas for a living?
Bulldog
[sarcastic] No, I'm an eccentric millionaire, this has always been my dream.
Frasier
Bulldog, I can't tell you...
Bulldog
[interrupts] No, no, no. Can the sad face, okay? Just making some extra cash between radio gigs.
Frasier
All right.
Bulldog
Oh, it's eighteen bucks, by the way.
Niles
Well, I just stopped by to leave off these opera tickets. [hands them to Frasier] So, I'll be on my way.
Frasier
Thank you, Niles. By the way, I'm a little short of cash. Do you mind, er-?
Niles
Oh yes, thank you. [hands Bulldog some money] There you are, and something extra for you. [hands Bulldog a twenty dollar bill]
Bulldog
Whoa, that's a pretty generous tip!
Niles
I'll say, wrong bill! [exchanges it for a one dollar bill]
Bulldog
Hey, good luck, Doc, I'll see you.
Frasier
[shakes his hand] Thanks Bulldog, take care.
Bulldog
All right.
Roz
Bulldog?
Bulldog
Hello, Roz.
Roz
Are you delivering pizzas?
Bulldog
Yeah, yeah, this is kinda awkward, huh?
Roz
Oh, no, don't be embarrassed. A job's a job.
Bulldog
No, I mean awkward for you. This is the first time you've seen me since we had that fling and I dumped ya.
Roz
I dumped you, pizza boy!
Bulldog
Hey, look who's here! Hey, sweet pea, you are getting so big. Hey, look at that smile, she likes me.
Roz
She's relieved not to be the least mature person in the room anymore.
Bulldog
Who's got a mean old mommy?
Frasier
Roz. Listen, I think you may have solved your babysitting problem.
Roz
Bulldog? Are you nuts?
Frasier
Well, look: Alice is obviously crazy about him, and he could use the money.
Roz
I don't know.
Frasier
Okay, fine, fine, Roz. You just cancel your date. I mean, you've been this long without a man, what's a few days more?
Roz
Bulldog, do you want a job?
Bulldog
Okay, one more bite, then we can watch "Sports Center."
Roz
Have you seen my purse?
Bulldog
Yeah, it's on the chair.
Roz
[picks it up] Steve's going to be here any minute.
Bulldog
So, you've been dating for a while?
Roz
Actually, no. Tonight's our first date. In fact, it's my first date in a month.
Bulldog
Whoa! You injured? You pull something?
Roz
No.
Bulldog
I guess no one quite measured up to that week you spent in the doghouse, huh?
Roz
Let's get one thing straight. That little fling we had...
Bulldog
I know, I know, I was just joking.
Bulldog
[to Alice] Okay. If you're not going to have some peaches, we've got some jello in the fridge. You know, some naughty ladies like to wrestle in that stuff.
Bulldog
Who's that? Who's that? [opens door to Steve] He-ho.
Steve
Excuse me, is this Roz Doyle's apartment?
Bulldog
Yeah, yeah, are you her date?
Steve
Yeah.
Bulldog
So, that's how it ends: if you go out with Roz tonight, I will rip off your arm, ram it down your throat and use it to squeeze your heart until it stops beating. [then to Alice] Who's my pretty girl? [grabs Steve] Okay, dirtball. Listen, when you get out of here, you call Roz and you cancel like a gentleman. As far as she's concerned, this conversation never took place. Got it?
Steve
Who are you?
Bulldog
I'm your worse nightmare: the babysitter!
Bulldog
Whoa!
Roz
Do I look slutty?
Bulldog
All right, if you're fishing for compliments: yeah, you look slutty.
Roz
Hello? Hey, Steven. Oh, really? Well, tomorrow's Saturday, I mean you won't have to... No, it's okay. Yeah, bye. [hangs up] I don't believe it! My first date in a month and he blows me off.
Bulldog
What, at the last minute? What a jerk! He does not deserve you.
Roz
Thanks, Bulldog.
Bulldog
Well, I guess I can go.
Roz
Mmm.
Bulldog
Oh, I ordered a pizza. Just have him drop it by my place. I'm at the YMCA. Have him knock hard, I turn up the radio to drown out the sirens.
Roz
Why don't you just stay and have your pizza?
Bulldog
Are you sure?
Roz
Yeah, it's not like I'm doing anything tonight. Come and tell us what you guys did at the park today.
Bulldog
We fed the ducks! We went on a pony ride and then came back for a whole jar of peas.
Roz
Peas? How did you get her to eat those?
Bulldog
There's a trick to it. You've got to pretend to sneeze them out of your nose.
Roz
How did you come up with that?
Bulldog
It's an interesting story...
Roz
Actually, don't tell me.
Frasier
Oh, good afternoon, Niles.
Niles
Coffee's on me, I'm back at "Verdant Hills" cemetery.
Frasier
Oh, well congratulations, nothing left now but all that pesky waiting.
Niles
I haven't got the official word yet but I've called in a favor: Bruce McGurk, he's on the board of directors. I gave him grief counseling when his uncle was lost at sea and it occurred to me, there's a plot gone begging!
Roz
Tell me something, do I have the word "loser" tattooed across my forehead?
Frasier
No, Roz, but there is a rumor about a "Tweety Bird" on your upper thigh.
Roz
I've had two dates this week and both of them have bailed out on me at the last second. What's wrong with me?
Frasier
Oh, don't count yourself out just yet, Roz.
Roz
Yeah, right.
Frasier
No, no, there's a young man over there, can't take his eyes off you. He's been staring at you ever since you came in.
Roz
[like a school girl] That's Ted from the ad department! We've been making eye contact for months.
Frasier
Oh, yes, Ted. Well, his gaze is so steamy it's re-foaming my latte. Why don't you go other there and talk with him?
Roz
I can't. I won't know what to say.
Frasier
I tell you what, ask him to dinner. I'm going to "Chez Henri" myself this evening, I'll call and get you a table.
Roz
I don't know, I'm feeling a little gun shy.
Frasier
Roz, you better hurry. If you talk to me another minute longer, he'll think he's got some serious competition.
Roz
[laughs] Thanks, Frasier, I needed a good laugh to loosen me up.
Frasier
[into phone] Hello, it's Frasier Crane.
Frasier
I was just wondering, I'd like to get a table for a dear friend of mine tonight as well.
Niles
Niles Crane here. Hello, Bruce. I'm hoping you're calling with good news about "Verdant Hills?"
Frasier
Table for two.
Niles
Yes, a plot for one.
Frasier
By the kitchen? Oh Lord, I was hoping for something near the fireplace.
Niles
Near the parking lot? I prefer the serenity garden.
Frasier
Oh, the back row would be fine, who's at the next table?
Niles
The hilltops? Divine! Who's in the adjacent plot?
Frasier
The Ashbys, wonderful!
Niles
The Ashbys, delightful!
Frasier
Thank you very much.
Niles
I'm very grateful.
Niles
McGurk got me a shady spot on the high hill.
Frasier
You mean...?
Niles
[ecstatic] Yes, I'll spend eternity looking down on Maris.
Frasier
Oh, Niles.
Niles
Checkmate!
Roz
He said yes.
Frasier
Well, of course he did Roz, congratulations. And you're all set at "Chez Henri."
Roz
Great.
Bulldog
[irate] Okay, what sorry bastard would steal a pacifier from a kid? [slams a table] THIS STINKS! THIS IS TOTAL B.S.! [then] Oh, found it, found it. [gives it to Alice]
Bulldog
Hi.
Roz
You know, Bulldog, I hate to do this to you. Could you babysit tonight? I just get a date with Ted over there.
Bulldog
[miffed] Really? Sure, just say. Way to go, slugger!
Roz
I better go home and get ready.
Bulldog
You go ahead, I'll catch up with you after I go to the can.
Roz
Lovely!
Bulldog
Hey, Ted, right?
Ted
Bulldog, long time, no see.
Bulldog
I heard you're going out with Roz tonight.
Ted
Yeah.
Bulldog
Listen up! You have her home forty-five minutes after you pick her up or you'll be sorry.
Ted
Yeah? [stands] What are you going to do about it?
Ted
Oh my God!
Bulldog
If I'm willing to do that to me, just think what I'll do to you.
Ted
All right, forty-five minutes.
Bulldog
Or else!
Martin
Hey boys, feel like taking a ride?
Frasier
Sure, Dad. Where to?
Martin
Well, I got thinking about what we were talking about the other night, you know, about me not having made any arrangements for myself. So, just went out and bought myself a burial plot.
Frasier
Okay, all right, let's go have a look, Dad. I'm glad to see you've finally realized there's no point in being superstitious about the whole thing.
Martin
Yeah, well, I realized that if I let you plan my funeral there'd be all harps, white wine, and frankly a lot of very pissed-off cops!
Martin
Right up here on the left. I've got the whole service mapped out. It'll start with a bagpiper marching down the aisle...
Daphne
Bagpipes? I'm having bagpipes at my wedding, you knew that!
Martin
And none of that dainty finger food, either. Big slabs of beef! Prime rib.
Daphne
You can't have prime rib, I'm having prime rib.
Martin
Oh, for Pete's sake.
Daphne
No, no, this is lovely! If you kick off before I get married, you'll ruin everything.
Martin
All right, all right, I'll drop the bagpipes.
Daphne
No, no, have the bagpipes! And what else are you going to have? A big cake with a little white coffin on the top.
Martin
Oh, put a sock in it, will ya?
Daphne
It wouldn't surprise me if you had a hearst with "Just Buried" on the side of it.
Martin
Oh, stop it! I'm warning you.
Martin
Pretty great, huh? Niles and Frasier fake enthusiasm.
Martin
I'll put your mom's ashes over there on the left. Because that was her side of the bed and, er, oh, see how close we are to the maintenance shed. [points out the building]
Niles
And that's good because?
Martin
You're the first one to get mowed! Yeah, so do you really like this place?
Frasier
Yes, Dad.
Martin
Good. Fras', take about three steps over to your left, will ya?
Martin
There you are. Niles, stand right next to him. [Niles does] Congratulations, you are standing on your very own graves.
Niles
What?!
Martin
Yes, they were for sale so I went ahead and bought them. And seeing how much you like it out here, I'm glad I did.
Niles
But, Dad...
Martin
I know what you're gonna say, the expense! But don't worry about it. Merry Christmas!
Ted
Sorry we had to rush out like that.
Roz
Me too, is your stomach feeling any better?
Ted
[looking around for signs of Bulldog] Not really.
Roz
Fancy some ginger ale or...
Ted
I think I really better go now.
Bulldog
She's asleep Roz, don't worry I won't disturb you a... [then] Where's Ted?
Roz
He ditched me.
Bulldog
What?
Roz
He kept saying his stomach was bothering him, he was looking at his watch the whole time.
Bulldog
What is wrong with men?
Roz
It's not them, it's me. It's been happening all week.
Bulldog
No, no, no, trust me. It is not you. They're just jerks.
Roz
Thanks, Bulldog.
Bulldog
Hey, look, if you're hungry, I just whipped up a little something. There's probably enough for two.
Roz
Great. I'm just gonna go change, okay?
Bulldog
Okay.
Bulldog
What the hell are you doing here?
Ted
I know, I'm sorry.
Bulldog
You are supposed to be gone. How many of my own fingers do I have to dislocate before you take me seriously?
Ted
I got her home in forty-five minutes, okay? She left this in the car.
Roz
[sits] Oh, this smells delicious. Thank you. Ow, I guess I'm a little tense from that date.
Bulldog
Allow me.
Roz
I forgot how good you were at this! Come to think of it, you were good at a lot of things.
Bulldog
Wow! "Victoria's Secrets," page 39.
Roz
Why don't we just skip dinner and go straight to dessert?
Bulldog
Uh-ho! "Penthouse Forum," page 23.
Roz
[saucy] Are you the new pizza man? I hope you're not double parked.
Bulldog
I promise you, ma'am. I will deliver in thirty minutes or more.
Roz
There's a scented candle out on the balcony, would you get that for me?
Bulldog
I'm kinda naked here.
Roz
Cedar wood, it promotes stamina and sexual creativity.
Bulldog
I'll be right back.
Bulldog
Roz, open the door. Oh, I get it. [knocks] Pizza man!
Roz
You slime bag! You've been scaring off my dates all week.
Bulldog
I don't know what you're talking about.
Roz
Cut the crap. I just saw you talking to Ted. This is the lowest thing you've ever done! After the way I've trusted you, this is the way I treat you.
Bulldog
Would you let me in, please?
Roz
No.
Bulldog
It's freezing out here, [looks down] as you can plainly see!
Roz
Good, I want you to suffer.
Roz
Don't sit there, I eat off that table, for God's sake!
Roz
Get dressed.
Bulldog
Come on, wait.
Bulldog
Wait, would you let me explain?
Roz
I don't want to hear it, you make me sick! Just get it out.
Bulldog
I wasn't just trying to get you in bed. Just give me a second, please. [deep breath] Last spring, when we were together, it was great and I didn't know how to handle it, so I ran away. But when I saw you again, it was... I figured if I could keep the competition out of the way, then maybe you and I... I don't know... we could be a couple.
Roz
Us?
Bulldog
[sincere] I think I'm in love with you.
Bulldog
[crushed] You're not saying anything, are you?
Roz
Wait a minute! I know what you're doing!
Bulldog
What?
Roz
All this love stuff, it's just another way of getting me into bed.
Bulldog
No, Roz, no.
Roz
God, the oldest trick in the book!
Bulldog
Wait a minute, Roz.
Roz
And you're still at it! You're still at it! You're not Bulldog!
Bulldog
No, listen.
Roz
Give up, Bulldog.
Bulldog
[feigned] You can't blame a guy for trying! I had you going, huh? All the dishes and the watering.
Roz
You're the master.
Bulldog
Yeah, I even put childproof latches on the cabinet. Part of my plan to get you in the sack.
Roz
You are such a pig!
Bulldog
Well, I better be going.
Roz
Okay. Thank you for all of your help with Alice. [opens door] I'll see you, Bob.
Bulldog
I'll see you, Roz.
Roz
[shouts] I'm sorry, Mrs. Wasnick, I know the balcony is not for sex play!
Frasier
[off stage] It's Frasier. And by the way, charming!
Roz
It's open!
Frasier
I just saw you dash out of the restaurant with Ted, I thought, "God, what's wrong?"
Roz
You are not gonna believe what just happened. Bulldog just told me he loved me.
Frasier
What?
Roz
Yeah, he made Ted bring me home early, turns out he's been scaring my dates off all week.
Frasier
Well, what did you say to him?
Roz
I tried to let him down easy, I felt sorry for the guy.
Frasier
[amazed] Bulldog, wow, he's full of surprises, isn't he?
Roz
Who'd have thought? You know what's really weird? I'm gonna miss him. [points to dinner] Look at this. I never had to worry about Alice, he kept this place so neat and it was really nice to have someone to... [reflects] someone to come home to.
Frasier
Well, maybe Bulldog, in his own clumsy way, gave you a taste of a more traditional lifestyle.
Roz
Yes, I suppose so.
Frasier
Who knows, Roz? Maybe the time has come. You might be willing to start looking for a...
Roz
[against the idea] What? A husband?
Frasier
No, I wasn't going to say that.
Roz
Just because I'm gonna miss certain things about Bulldog doesn't mean I need to rush out and get married. Look at this week I've had. Three guys interested in me and not to mention Bulldog. I'm liking this! [reassuring herself, arguably in denial] Single life is pretty good.
Frasier
All right, Roz, as long as you're okay.
Roz
I really appreciate you coming by.
Frasier
It's okay.
Roz
I'll see you tomorrow.
Frasier
Of course. Good night.
Roz
Good night.