Rivals
Aired 4th November 1999 · Written by Christopher Lloyd · Directed by Katy Garretson
Poppy
Hey, Frasier!
Frasier
Hello, Poppy.
Poppy
You should have your hearing checked. I've been yelling "wait up!" for the last four blocks.
Frasier
[excusing] Well, I must be getting old.
Poppy
Like an old man can walk that fast! You were practically running the last block. Did I ever tell you about my uncle who ran everywhere? He ran to the store...
Frasier
[puts his hand up] That's a very interesting story. Yes, I'll see you at the station, okay? [notices Roz at a front table] Roz!
Frasier
Thank God you were here.
Roz
I know exactly how you feel. Last week I ducked into a bathroom stall to get away from her and there were three other women already in there. Listen, I have a favor to ask. This friend of mine is running this charity dinner dance Friday night...
Frasier
Oh, Roz, say no more. What do they need? An autographed picture for their silent auction?
Roz
That would be a silent auction!
Frasier
Very funny.
Roz
No, what I was hoping you'd do is buy a couple of tickets. They're only a hundred bucks each.
Frasier
I don't know Roz, I'd have to take a date. Seattle does have certain expectations about the sort of person I'm to be seen with.
Roz
Oh, that's easy! [points out Niles who has just entered the café] Here he is! Let's see if he's free.
Frasier
[playing along] I'll let you know!
Niles
Mind if I join you?
Frasier
Well, actually I'm not staying, I'm avoiding someone.
Niles
Oh, who?
Frasier
[points Poppy out] The new so-called arts critic at the station, Poppy!
Niles
[knowingly] A-ha.
Frasier
The woman drives me mad, she gasses on endlessly about the most mundane matters. Absolutely infuriating - [noticing Niles's grin] - as is that smirk of yours.
Niles
Well, I'm sorry if I've noticed that not a day goes by that you don't badmouth this woman.
Frasier
Well, with good reason. The woman is a windsock.
Niles
I'm wondering if someone isn't protesting a bit too much. She's very attractive, obviously well-bred. Perhaps all this "Pigtails and Inkwells" hostility is actually a veiled attraction.
Frasier
[sarcastic] Oh, bravo Dr. Crane! Yes, I think you're really on to something there.
Poppy
Oh, where's Roz gone?
Frasier
Oh, she dashed off to the office. We're going to continue our meeting there. You know, Poppy, I was just telling my brother what an enchanting storyteller you are. Why don't you take my seat, and he can find out for himself? [he seats her] Ta-ta.
Niles
Well, nice to finally meet you, Poppy. There must be quite a story behind that name.
Poppy
Yes.
Niles
So... You're the new arts critic at the station, that must be interesting.
Poppy
Oh, yes.
Niles
Okay, well if you don't feel like talking, I should be really running along anyway. [starts to get up]
Poppy
No, don't go. I am just amazed at how different you are from your brother. He's sort of intimidating, I get so flustered around him, I just start babbling. But you, you're different. You're very warm.
Niles
Thank you. So are you.
Poppy
Polite, not to mention stylish and charming, [getting carried away] and incredibly handsome. Oh my God! Am I babbling again?
Niles
[pleased] If you were, I'd be too polite and charming to tell you. [laughs]
Regan
[on phone] Well, what the hell are you doing?
Regan
[on phone] I've been waiting for twenty minutes. [hangs up and then to Frasier] I am so sorry. You're probably wondering who I am.
Frasier
I'm mildly curious.
Regan
I got into the shower - my shower. I just moved in next door. I probably should have started with that, huh? [shakes his hand] I'm Regan Shaw, by the way. Anyway, the doorbell rang, and I figured it was the phone guy because I've been waiting all day long. I ran to catch him, and stepped out into the hallway and locked myself out. Luckily your father came along.
Martin
Hey, Fras.
Frasier
Yes, that was lucky.
Martin
All right, well this should keep you nice and warm and I'll just run in the kitchen and get you your herbal tea.
Frasier
If you'll excuse me, I'll just show my father where it's kept.
Martin
Pretty sweet, eh? I found her right out in the hall.
Frasier
Yes, well, I'm sorry Dad, but you can't keep her.
Martin
No, I've brought her here for you. I've been talking you up the whole time.
Frasier
Really?
Martin
Yeah. Listen, I've served this one to you on a platter. In fact, if it wasn't for the jasmine on your robe, I'd say this one was a slam-dunk.
Frasier
I'm just...
Martin
It's a basketball phrase.
Frasier
Yes, I know that, Dad. I want to chat up a half naked woman without looking uncouth.
Martin
Well, just be friendly, you know. She's a veterinarian, she's single, she's very athletic, as you can tell from that body. And Lord... [thinks about body]
Frasier
Dad!
Martin
Just because you're serving the cake doesn't mean you can't have a few crumbs that drop off.
Martin
Hi. Well, here we go. There you are. Now, I've got a call to make so Frasier'll keep you entertained.
Regan
Thanks for the tea.
Martin
Don't mention it. [exits]
Frasier
So, you're next door? Oh, that's right. Judge Gilroy moved in with his daughter.
Regan
I bet he never wandered into your apartment wearing a towel.
Frasier
No, but I did hear he wandered into work one day wearing a towel, though. I guess that's why he had to move in with his daughter. [laughs]
Martin
Looks like I walked off with your car keys. I should have known from the big [stresses and jingles the keys] BMW on it!
Frasier
Thank you, Dad.
Frasier
So, Regan, that's an unusual name. Is it by any chance from...
Regan
From "King Lear," yeah. One of the ungrateful daughters. I don't know what my dad was thinking. Never do. I'm sorry, I have some issues with my father.
Martin
[obviously prying] Excuse me again.
Frasier
I have no idea what that would be like! What?!
Martin
[stands around] Well, I better be on my way, huh? Just let you two talk. He's a wonderful listener. In fact, that's his motto on his very popular radio show, "I Listen."
Frasier
Yes, Dad, don't forget my sign off: "Goodbye!"
Regan
I actually listen to your show.
Frasier
Really? Well, I'm flattered, thank you.
Regan
I think if I hadn't gone into veterinary medicine it would have been psychology. Think I was just always drawn to animals.
Frasier
Yes, it is hard not to love them.
Martin
I just feel so responsible. Maybe there was something more I could have said, something more I could have done. I keep playing it over and over in my head.
Frasier
I'll ask her out today, Dad.
Daphne
Dr. Crane, do you believe women have an intuition about men?
Niles
Intuition?
Daphne
Like they might know when a man has a little crush.
Daphne
You know, by the way he fidgets or gets a look in his eye or...
Daphne
I only ask because I'm getting that feeling from your brother.
Niles
[relieved] Really, huh?
Daphne
He's all moony-eyed today, someone he's quite keen on.
Niles
Actually I know who it is. I called him on it yesterday in the coffee shop, he won't admit to it. The problem is...
Daphne
Yeah?
Niles
I've developed a crush myself and it happens to be...
Niles
Frasier? Whatcha doing?
Frasier
Come in.
Frasier
So, Niles. How are you?
Niles
[hangs his coat up] Well. The question is, how are you? I hear you're been running around like a love sick schoolboy.
Frasier
Who told you that?
Niles
Well, let's just say that the birds around here are chirping. Anyway... are you prepared to admit that my little theory yesterday was correct?
Frasier
Are you talking about Poppy?
Niles
Yes, the woman you so adamantly denied having any attraction to.
Frasier
I still do, she's loathsome.
Niles
Does it gall you so much to admit I'm right?
Frasier
But you're not right.
Niles
So, well then, who is this person you're so interested in?
Frasier
You don't know her.
Niles
Tell me about her.
Frasier
It's premature.
Niles
Oh, brother!
Frasier
All right, fine, if you must know. The woman happens to be...
Regan
[o.s] Hello.
Frasier
[whispers] Her, my next door neighbor.
Niles
[not believing] Oh, what good timing she has!
Frasier
Hi, come in.
Regan
I just wanted to return this tea cup. [hands it over]
Frasier
Oh, well, you're welcome any time. Er, Regan Shaw, this is my brother, Dr. Niles Crane.
Frasier
Do you two know each other?
Regan/Niles
Yes./No.
Frasier
Well, I'll just get us all some coffee and you two can decide if you know each other or not.
Regan
I'm so sorry, Dr. Crane. I just was a little startled seeing you outside your office.
Niles
Please, don't even think about it, have a seat. [they sit] Well, so I gather this is your new building.
Regan
Yes. Right next door to your brother who I just met. Is that so strange?
Niles
Yes, well, remember, I have a policy of total confidentiality. [Daphne enters] He never needs to know that you've started seeing me.
Daphne
Oh, here it is.
Frasier
What did you find out?
Daphne
It sounded like they've had a date or two. He mentioned having seen her.
Frasier
Damn him!
Daphne
Come to think of it, he said something in the elevator about having a crush on someone.
Frasier
Well, I just have to confront him and see if he's man enough to admit he's horned in on my territory.
Daphne
Well, excuse me, Dr. Crane, but didn't your brother meet her first?
Frasier
Oh, honestly, Daphne, just try to keep up. It's not that complicated!
Frasier
Well, here we are.
Regan
Actually, I can't stay. I've got the heating man coming.
Frasier
Oh!
Regan
Can I take a rain check?
Frasier
Well, certainly. Would you like to go out for coffee some time?
Regan
Yeah, I'd like that. Bye.
Frasier
Great. Bye.
Niles
[calls] Bye.
Frasier
So, I do take it you two know each other.
Niles
Well, we met briefly at some event. [pours a coffee]
Frasier
I see. Changing the subject completely, Daphne just mentioned that you happen to have a little crush on someone yourself.
Niles
[sighs] Yes, I have.
Frasier
Care to elaborate?
Niles
Yes, I will. Unlike you, I don't mind being candid. The woman is Poppy.
Frasier
[not believing] Poppy?!
Niles
We had coffee yesterday after you left. You're not upset?
Frasier
No, not at all. Thank you for your candor, Niles. I'm sure you and Poppy will be very happy together. [smirks and laughs]
Niles
Are you laughing at me? [rises to his feet] You think so little of my chances?
Frasier
No, no, Niles. [a bad tone] I wish you and Poppy the very best!
Niles
I don't need this smug attitude of yours. [gets his coat] I fully intended to discuss this amiably. You refuse, so I'll just say goodbye.
Frasier
Very well, thanks for dropping by, off you go.
Frasier
What kind of a fool does he take me for? He is obviously pursuing Regan, the man has the nerve to say he's chasing Poppy.
Daphne
[shocked] Poppy?
Frasier
Yes, as if anyone could pursue that insufferable air hoi! Well, if it's deceit and chicanery he's after, I'll give him more than he can handle.
Daphne
Dr. Crane, before it gets to that level, wouldn't it make sense for you two just to have one open and honest conversation?
Frasier
Honestly, Daphne, how you manage to overreact in absolutely everything!
Roz
These shoes are killing me, I can't wait to sit down.
Frasier
[pulls chair back] Well, you're not going to sit there.
Roz
Why not? [pulls chair back]
Frasier
[pulls chair back] I'm expecting someone for coffee.
Roz
Well, Niles is small, we can share.
Frasier
It is not Niles, will you stop saying that? I'm meeting a woman.
Roz
[sits] Well, I'll move when she gets here. By the way, I still have four tickets left for that charity ball Friday night.
Frasier
I'm sorry, Roz, thanks anyway.
Roz
Come on, it's for a good cause. They provide disaster relief.
Poppy
Hi, partners! [crosses to them] Frasier, I was leaving the booth and I found this umbrella. [hands it over] I think it belongs to you.
Frasier
Yes, it's my emergency umbrella. I always leave it in the booth.
Poppy
Don't feel bad, I'm forgetful too!
Frasier
I think I'll just go and see what's keeping my latte. Would you watch my table please, Roz?
Niles
Hello, Roz. I noticed that Poppy was here. Did she mention where she was headed?
Roz
No. Listen, Niles, can I interest you in a couple of tickets for a charity ball this Friday? It's a great event.
Niles
Is Frasier going?
Roz
No, but do you have to go everything together?
Niles
I'll take two. [does so] I'm in a hurry, I'll send you a check.
Frasier
Where was Niles in such a rush off to?
Roz
I have no idea. [waves tickets] Last chance, I only have two tickets left.
Frasier
I thought there were four?
Roz
Niles just bought a pair.
Frasier
Damn him! He's probably off to intercept Regan right now.
Roz
Who?
Frasier
I'm sorry, Roz, I'm in a hurry. I'll write you a check for these. Enjoy the table!
Poppy
This is the best kind of party. You get to dress up, have a wonderful time, and it's all for a good cause.
Niles
You know it really is for an impressive organization. I've heard that within twenty-four hours of any worldwide disaster they can put together a ball. [Poppy laughs]
Poppy
Oh, look it's your brother.
Niles
What? Oh, so it is. Why don't you find our table and I'll get us some champagne.
Poppy
Yes.
Niles
Roz, you didn't tell me Frasier was going to be here.
Roz
Yeah, he bought the last two tickets.
Niles
After he knew I'd be here with Poppy. Obviously he wants to get a shot at her himself, he bought that pull-a-long as his beard.
Roz
[shocked] Frasier's interested in Poppy?
Niles
I shouldn't be surprised the subtle signs of attraction are lost on you. A woman for whom the gunning of a Harley engine is like a come-hither look.
Frasier
Hello, Roz.
Roz
Hi.
Frasier
I see that Niles has brought himself a "date" to the evening.
Roz
Yep, and you'll never guess what he thinks.
Frasier
Oh, I know exactly what he thinks. He's using Poppy as his patty, steal a few minutes with Regan, try and win her for himself.
Roz
That's not what he thinks.
Frasier
Roz!
Roz
He likes Poppy.
Frasier
Dear simple, Roz. After six years of listening at my feet. Have you learnt nothing of the dark forces that move people? Open your ears!
Regan
You're looking at your brother again.
Frasier
Yes, I'm sorry. It's just that he keeps staring over here. For God's sakes, he hasn't paid any attention whatsoever. Can you imagine how that woman must feel?
Regan
[knowingly] Yeah, women hate that.
Niles
He's doing it again.
Poppy
What?
Niles
My brother is staring at us. Obviously thinking what a striking couple we make. In fact, let's give him something to stare at.
Poppy
I'm sorry. Same toe as before.
Niles
Yes, same toe as before. [laughs]
Regan
What is going on with you two tonight?
Frasier
All right, you'd find out sooner or later anyway. See, I know about you and Niles.
Regan
You do?
Frasier
Yes. But it's all right, I don't mind. It's just that, well, he's really quite smitten with you.
Regan
Oh my God, really?
Poppy
Do you think you're going to lose the nail?
Niles
No, no, I just need to sit down.
Poppy
Oh my God, I love the tango. You won't mind if I dance one with your brother?
Niles
What?
Frasier
Well, actually Poppy...
Poppy
Oh come on, Niles can keep Regan company.
Niles
You know, Regan, I'm getting a second wind. Shall we show them how it's done?
Regan
Well, actually, Dr. Crane-
Niles
Oh, don't be so formal. We're not doctor and patient tonight!
Poppy
Your brother's quite romantic, inviting me to a ball on our very first date. He certainly doesn't waste time, does he?
Frasier
No, he doesn't!
Regan
You do realize that I'm interested in your brother.
Niles
You mean, you're developing real feelings for him?
Regan
Yeah.
Niles
Well, you might think so now, but trust me: You're future's not with him. I know this is confusing. [twirls her round in a dizzy daze] You'll see everything more clearly when I've got you on the couch.
Regan
[disgusted] Oh!
Niles
Well, I can't take anymore of this.
Niles
I have to cut in.
Poppy
How romantic!
Niles
[to Frasier] Yes, come with me.
Niles
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Frasier
Your tango wasn't so impressive, either.
Niles
I'm talking about your behaviour tonight.
Frasier
I won't simply stand aside and let you have the woman you want.
Niles
Exactly, obviously one of us has to back off, not just tonight but permanently.
Regan
Frasier, can I talk to you for a moment alone?
Frasier
Well, of course, just give me one more moment with my brother.
Poppy
Niles, when you're finished I'd love one more dance.
Niles
Ah, I'll be right there.
Niles
Well, I believe she has made her choice.
Frasier
Yes, I believe she has.
Regan
Frasier, I think I'd like to leave if that's all right.
Frasier
Leave? Already? Well, couldn't we just have one last dance?
Regan
Well, I guess. I'm just feeling a little uncomfortable.
Frasier
Yes, well, I certainly don't blame you. You see, now I've spoken with him, Niles has agreed to behave himself. Now I can put all my attention on you.
Regan
That is a relief. I mean, you can understand why I was kinda freaked out by all that.
Regan
Right? Frasier?
Frasier
He's a brave little soldier, isn't he? Awash in despair and yet he dances.
Poppy
This is when they wrote songs that were really about something. True love, broken hearts.
Niles
[referring to Frasier but arguably in his heart referring to the last time he was in the ball room and Daphne broke his heart] Yes, there's nothing quite so poignant as someone with a broken heart, pretending that it isn't.
Frasier
No wonder, he keeps staring over at us. He's suffered such a crushing defeat tonight.
Regan
Can we go?
Frasier
Yes, of course, that's the best thing to do. You know, let me just have one last word with him.
Regan
Oh my God!
Frasier
Niles, if you don't mind.
Poppy
You guys are going to wear me out.
Frasier
Can I see you at the bar, please?
Regan
I think I'm going to catch a cab.
Poppy
Aren't you having a good time?
Regan
Frankly, no. Are you?
Poppy
Oh, yes, I think Niles has got quite a little crush on me.
Regan
Actually, Poppy, there's something you should know about Niles.
Frasier
Niles, I just wanted to let you know that I'm not happy with the way things have ended this evening.
Niles
Well, neither am I. How could I be? And the worst thing is: it's not just tonight. What happens when we keep running into each other?
Frasier
Yes, the victor will have his trophy. The loser will be empty-handed.
Niles
It hardly seems worth it, given the permanent damage this could do to our relationship.
Frasier
Yes, I can't help but wonder if perhaps we're being a bit short-sighted.
Frasier
Niles, is that Regan and Poppy leaving just now?
Niles
It was, wasn't it?
Frasier
I want you to go after her.
Niles
What?
Frasier
Yes, I won't stand in your way.
Niles
No, Frasier, I would feel better if you went after her.
Frasier
No, I couldn't do that to you.
Niles
I think we're both feeling the same thing.
Frasier
I know we are. You noble bastard.
Niles
Right back atcha. Oh, it's for the best.
Frasier
After all, the most important thing is our friendship.
Niles
I think that's worth drinking to. [to waiter] Two bourbons.
Frasier
You know, while we're at it, let's propose a toast to the one pretty remarkable woman.
Niles
Well, she'd have to be to have won both of our hearts.
Frasier
Hear, hear.
Niles
Well, then...
Frasier/Niles
To Regan!/To Poppy!
Frasier
[swallows] I think we're going to need two more here.