The Late Dr. Crane

Niles

I can't believe how cold it is in here.

Frasier

Niles, the climate control is on, it's perfectly comfortable.

Niles

Oh, really? Touch your tongue to the seat belt, I dare you.

Frasier

I'm starting to regret I even asked you to this exhibit. I wanted to invite Regan, but after the disaster I made of our first date I just felt too ashamed to even ask.

Niles

Well, you can't avoid her forever, she's your neighbor. Ask her again, what's the worst thing that can happen?

Frasier

She'd ask me to stop harassing her, which would mean I'd have to spend the next six months riding in the service elevator with Guillermo and his three-legged cat!

Niles

How is little Wobbles?

Frasier

Fine.

Frasier

I see what you're doing, Niles! If you're so cold there's a scarf in the glove compartment.

Niles

Oh, really? I thought that's where you kept the butter and the eggs.

Frasier

Well, now it's burning up in here! I'm gonna take this coat off.

Niles

Are you insane?

Niles

At least wait until we've stopped...

Frasier

Take the wheel!

Niles

I'll take the wheel but... Frasier, stop. [looks into road] Stop!

Frasier

No, it's almost off.

Niles

No, I mean brake, brake!

Niles

Are you all right?

Frasier

Yes. Thank heavens your fist softened the blow of the airbag!

Phil

Hurt your nose?

Frasier

[looks at Niles] Yes.

Phil

That's what I figured. Right when you came in, I said, "That guy hurt his nose." So how did you, you know...

Frasier

Excuse me.

Frasier

Yes, hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane here. I was just wondering, I filled out my paperwork about half an hour ago.

Receptionist

They'll call you. We're seeing people in order of importance.

Frasier

Oh really, well, I do have my own radio show.

Receptionist

The importance of the injury!

Frasier

Yes, of course.

Niles

[to receptionist] Do you know, are there any plastic surgeons on call?

Frasier

Oh Niles, that's not necessary.

Niles

Can't be too careful, could be broken.

Receptionist

Don't worry, the best plastic surgeons in town have their offices here. Dr. Rab, Dr. Karnofsky and Dr. Burke.

Niles

Karnofsky? Mel Karnofsky?

Receptionist

That's right.

Niles

Maris's plastic surgeon. Would you believe that charlatan is still picking my pocket a year after my divorce?

Frasier

Good Lord, for what?

Niles

Oh, for Maris's botox injections. They use those botcholeanen toxins that you put in the forehead, it deadens the muscles and takes away the wrinkles. I gave it to her as a gift one year for our anniversary.

Frasier

Oh, yes, probably your tenth. That's toxins, isn't it?

Niles

Anyway, Karnofsky keeps billing me for her follow-up injections.

Frasier

Good Lord.

Phil

So you're divorced, huh?

Niles

Yes.

Phil

Me too, I'm Phil. [puts his hand out, Niles doesn't reciprocate] Fourteen years together. Came home one day and... oh hell, I probably shouldn't even talk about it.

Niles

Okay.

Frasier

You know, Niles, seeing as how we're here, why don't you go and find this Karnofsky and straighten this whole thing out?

Niles

No, no, I can't leave you here injured.

Frasier

That's all right, Niles, I'll be fine.

Niles

Are you sure? I may just pay Dr. Karnofsky a visit.

Frasier

You know, it really is outrageous what these scalpel jockeys get away with; convincing women like Maris to spend fortunes on their exterior, when frankly what they need is to take a good look at the woman inside.

Niles

Right. Well, she did have one chemical pill where you could see her kidneys for a while.

Frasier

[laughs] Off you go. Good luck, Niles.

Niles

Thank you.

Phil

[lowers paper] Not a pretty woman, my wife, but when she danced you couldn't keep your eyes off her.

Frasier

You know, actually I'm feeling a lot better, goodbye!

Nurse

Frasier Crane? [no response] Frasier Crane, we're ready to see you.

Phil

That's me!

Niles

Ah, Dr. Karnofsky, I see you've decided to make time for me!

Clerk

Sorry, I'm from Records. I was told to bring over Maris Crane's files. [places the box on the desk] That's this year.

Mel

Dr. Crane?

Niles

[turns around] Yes.

Mel

I'm so sorry to keep you waiting. Melinda Karnofsky.

Niles

[taken aback, shakes her hand] Oh, yes, of course, Niles Crane. About this billing issue...?

Mel

Oh my God, this box is filthy.

Niles

Yes, the problem is I have received three invoices over the past six months.

Mel

Yes, I'm so sorry about that. And I'm so sorry about all this dust. Do you mind, I'll have to turn on my hepafilter?

Niles

Oh, you have a hepa... [notices and gasps] You have a Svenson!

Mel

Yes. They're great, aren't they? [turns it on]

Niles

Not to mention impossible to get in this country, I've tried.

Mel

Well, I once did a favor for Mrs. Svenson. Oh, it's a long story.

Niles

I'm all ears.

Mel

So was she. Anyway, I've spoken to the accounting department about your bill and it was clearly our mistake. Please accept our apology, we'll take care of it.

Niles

I appreciate that.

Niles

Oh, I like that print very much.

Niles

Everything all right?

Mel

I'm sorry, I just noticed a smudge on my jacket. [points to an invisible mark]

Niles

It's barely noticeable.

Mel

You're being kind.

Mel

I got that print at the last museum show.

Niles

Oh, I thought you looked familiar. Perhaps I've seen you there.

Mel

Perhaps. I go to all of the openings, I'm on the museum board.

Niles

Really? Well, congratulations. All the exhibits this year have been...

Niles

[passionately] Perfection!

Mel

Well, thank you.

Niles

I particularly like the Picasso. I'm a big fan of his Cubist period.

Mel

Oh, striking, isn't she? Yes, I'd like to think if she came in here I could have actually helped her. [Niles laughs] You must think I'm terribly fussy.

Niles

[passionately] Yes.

Mel

Anyway, it was very nice meeting you.

Niles

Likewise.

Nurse

[v.o.] Dr. Karnofsky, Mrs. Magreshack has a question for you in room three.

Niles

Helen Magreshack?

Mel

Oh, I really can't say.

Niles

Oh. [turns away, then leans in] She's finally having it removed?

Mel

Why did she wait?!

Niles

I don't know!

Clerk

Found '98.

Niles

Actually, that's all been settled. [picks up photo on desk] Can you tell me, is that her husband?

Clerk

No, she's divorced. That's her son.

Niles

Really? Dr. Karnofsky's so young, she must have had him when she was a child.

Clerk

[skeptical] Okay.

Mel

Oh, was there something else?

Niles

Er, no. [walks away then] Er, no. Well-

Mel

Yes?

Niles

Mel, er... I was wondering, I, er...

Niles

Thank you. Er, I'm not really sure how to ask.

Mel

I think I know what it is.

Niles

A-ha.

Mel

And you've got no reason to be nervous.

Niles

Oh, really?

Mel

Yes. Just a few quick injections and those nasty little wrinkles in your forehead will disappear.

Mel

Well, that is what you were going to ask, isn't it?

Niles

[laughs] Yes.

Mel

Well, it's a very simple procedure. Although your forehead will be numb for a while. I can fit you in at four-thirty.

Niles

Oh good, that gives me time to do something I need to do.

Mel

Excellent... [exits]

Daphne

Hello, Dr. Crane.

Niles

Hello, Daphne. I was on my way home, I thought I'd see how the patient was doing.

Frasier

Oh, I'm fine, thank you, Niles.

Niles

You have no idea how guilty I'm feeling. [to Daphne] I suppose he told you it was my fist that struck in the inadvertent yet powerful blow.

Frasier

So how did things go with the nefarious Dr. Karnofsky? Did you give him a piece of your mind?

Niles

Actually he turned out to be a she, and quite a reasonable she at that. [sits next to Frasier]

Frasier

Really? That's quite a turnabout.

Niles

Yes, well...

Daphne

Dr. Crane, don't move.

Niles

Why?

Daphne

There's a mosquito.

Niles

Where?

Daphne

On your forehead.

Niles

Uh-oh! [pats about acting on his head] Get off, get off.

Daphne

It's already gone.

Niles

Oh.

Daphne

Oh dear, looks like it bit you.

Niles

All right... [acting] Ow!

Frasier

Niles, wrinkle your forehead for me, will you?

Niles

Why would I do that?

Frasier

Just do it. Wrinkle your forehead.

Niles

I'm not your marionette!

Frasier

You got a botox injection! You've got a forehead full of poison right now, don't you?

Niles

I do not!

Daphne

[looking at the floor] Well, that's strange. The mosquito fell right out of the air, dead. [picks it up and bins it]

Martin

What's a botox injection?

Frasier

Oh, it's a cosmetic procedure they use to eliminate facial wrinkles.

Martin

Oh great, my kids are having plastic surgery. That's a nice age to get to.

Frasier

I can't believe you let Maris's witch doctor work her magic on you.

Niles

Mel is a perfectly lovely person! In fact, I was screwing my courage up to ask her on a date when she noticed this little flaw and I lost my nerve.

Frasier

Yes, and most of the feeling in your face as well!

Daphne

Dr. Crane, look, your picture's on the news.

Frasier

Well, turn it up, Dad, turn it up.

Crane

1952 - 1999."

Anchor

After checking into the hospital with what appeared to be minor injuries from a fender-bender, radio psychiatrist Frasier Crane died suddenly today. I'm sure it goes for all of us here at KYLL when I say he'll be sorely missed. [cheerful] But this rain won't be missed, will it, Flip?

Frasier

Dear God!

Martin

What the hell?

Daphne

That's unbelievable!

Niles

[flat face, shocked voice] Outrageous!

Frasier

As it turns out, after I left the hospital some poor devil used my name to jump the line and he dropped dead of a heart attack. I must say, it does seem a bit strange having plunged all of Seattle, albeit temporarily, into so much grief.

Roz

I know, I'll never forget where I was when I heard you had died. I was out on the street. There was this crowd watching a television through a department store window, and before I knew it, we were weeping and hugging each other.

Frasier

Very amusing, Roz!

Roz

And then it began to rain, and I had this feeling that all the angels were crying.

Frasier

[irate] Yes, all right, Roz!

Martin

Hey, Roz. Fras, have you seen this? [hands him the newspaper]

Frasier

Yes, as a matter of fact, I did. [to a puzzled Roz] It's my obituary.

Roz

They printed it?

Frasier

Yes, they must have picked it up off the wire last night before the news ran that correction.

Martin

Jimmy gave it to me at McGinty's. Boy, everybody was so nice to me, buying me beers and everything. You know, because of the shock I went through thinking I'd lost my son.

Frasier

Dad, what are you talking about? You didn't think I was dead!

Martin

Well, people don't have to know that. I could have been at home alone, wondering where you were and I get this strange uneasy feeling. So I turn on the TV and there it is on the screen: the face of my dead son.

Frasier

But I was sitting right beside you!

Martin

Well, what kinda story is that?

Frasier

It's the truth!

Martin

Well, the truth doesn't put anything on a coaster!

Roz

Well, there's something for your scrapbook, huh? Your own obituary. [begins to read it]

Frasier

Yes, well... you know, frankly, it's-it's a little upsetting.

Roz

[looks up] I don't think they meant to be insulting, you are "lovably pompous."

Frasier

Not that. It's just, seeing all my life in black and white, it just all looks a little incomplete.

Roz

What do you mean?

Frasier

Well, I was going to do so much with my life. I was going to write a novel, run for public office, I was gonna do my own translation of Freud...

Roz

Well, what's stopping you? You're not actually dead.

Frasier

I guess you're right. [laughs] I'm not dead, am I? [laughs] You know, maybe that's a good way of looking at this actually, more of a wake-up call.

Lady

Dr. Crane, I was so relieved to hear that you're all right.

Frasier

Well, thank you.

Lady

I heard the news and I thought, "What a shame, why he is such a young man."

Frasier

That's so nice of you. Thank you, thank you so much. You know, you're right. What am I doing frittering away my day here in this coffee house? [stands] You know, I've got things to do. I've got fresh world to conquer. I'm going to go out there and grab life by the scrub. Look out destiny, here I come!

Frasier

[excusing] Well, it's really coming down out there.

Daphne

What happened to your clothes? Did you spill something on yourself?

Frasier

No, no, no, I'm going jogging later.

Daphne

No need to be sarcastic, just give me the clothes and I'll do another load.

Frasier

No, I'm serious, Daphne. I plan to go running just after I finish my obituary. [off Daphne's glance] It's a self- actualizing exercise. You write your obituary the way you'd like it to appear - years from now, of course - and then it helps you to focus your goals. [sits back] Here they are, all my hopes and dreams.

Daphne

[looks at monitor] These are dreams, all right. [laughs, then reads] "Dr. Crane came late to athletics, he became a fixture in the Seattle marathon, the America's Cup yacht race, as well as the Kentucky Derby." [laughs] A jockey at your size! You better start writing an obituary for the horse.

Frasier

Very amusing, Daphne. I meant as a stable owner.

Martin

Hey Fras. What you do? Spill something on your clothes?

Frasier

No, I'm going jogging later.

Martin

Well, there's no need to get sarcastic about it.

Frasier

I'm serious, Dad, I'm going to have to start somewhere if I plan to run a marathon!

Martin

Ooh, we've got a new basket? Hickory Farms!

Daphne

Yes, that one came this afternoon.

Frasier

Dad, we agreed that we were going to send back all the condolence baskets intact.

Martin

I know, I know, but, you know, if a can of pecans falls out here and there, who's going to notice? Oh, by the way. Guess who I ran into? That friend of yours from next door, Regan.

Frasier

Really?

Martin

Yeah. You know, she was pretty relieved to hear you weren't dead. You know, maybe there's still something going on there.

Frasier

Oh, I don't know, Dad. I'd like to believe that, but I'm just too much of a realist.

Daphne

[reads screen] Tell that the two million people a year who visit "Frasier Land." [laughs]

Frasier

It's a website, it teaches children about psychiatry!

Martin

Hi.

Niles

Oh, hi Dad. I can't stay, I just realized I think I left my cell phone here last night.

Daphne

Oh, yeah, I did see it somewhere. Let me just have a look for it...

Niles

[to Frasier] Why are you wearing running clothes?

Martin

He won't tell us!

Daphne

[picks up cell phone and hands it to Niles] Here it is. It was buried back here underneath all these baskets.

Martin

Oh, Daph! Look what you did! Rooting around in there, you poked a hole right through this... [Martin quite obviously punches a big hole through the cellophane on purpose] Hickory Farms basket! We can't send it back now! [He takes it to his chair.]

Niles

Thank you, Daphne.

Frasier

Niles.

Niles

Yes?

Frasier

Is that a bandage sticking out of your shirt?

Niles

Oh, where?

Frasier

Well, right there. [points to one on the back of his neck]

Niles

Oh yes, I cut myself shaving.

Frasier

On the back of your neck? You went to see Karnofsky again, didn't you?

Niles

Yes, I did! I was going to ask her out again, when I got all flustered and I caught her staring at this grotesque carbuncle.

Frasier

Carbuncle? You mean that miniscule mole of yours.

Niles

Well, to you. I've always been self-conscious about it. I've made many a hasty wine selection because I felt the sommelier staring down at it.

Frasier

Oh, please. Just knock this off. Isn't it time you just asked the woman out?

Niles

Frasier, I'm just waiting until the moment's right.

Frasier

Like you did with Daphne?!

Frasier

Oh, Niles, I am sorry. But I'd like to see you do this while I can still pick you out of a crowd. You know, I've got tickets for the opera tonight. Why don't you ask her to join you?

Niles

Oh, I don't know. [sits down]

Frasier

Come on. Take a cue from me, I'm completely reinventing myself. You know what, [begins stretching his legs] if I can learn a new language, write a bestseller, well then surely you can ask this woman out. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a marathon to train for!

Martin

Are you all right, Fras?

Frasier

I'm fine.

Martin

What happened?

Niles

Well, I think he tripped on one of these baskets.

Martin

Did you break anything?

Frasier

I don't think so.

Martin

Because, if you broke it, there's no point sending this one back either.

Frasier

Oh, dear God.

Martin

[laughs] Look at you. They gave you a sweet one. All shiny and with no scuffs. Still has that new cane smell.

Frasier

Play your cards right, I might let you take it for a spin around the lobby.

Martin

Well, what they say?

Frasier

Oh, just a little sprain. It's gonna take a couple of weeks.

Frasier

I guess I'm going to have to rethink my life's plan a bit.

Martin

Oh, you're gonna be doing all this stuff?

Frasier

Well, of course, Dad, why wouldn't I?

Martin

Oh, I don't know. It just seems all so complicated. The first one you tried was kind of a bust.

Frasier

Yes, well you know, I've just got to scale things back a little bit. Set my sights on more attainable goals. For instance, here: "Visit South America." That's in. "Discover the lost treasure of the Incas." That's out. [deletes it] "Take up rafting." That's in. "Retrace Lewis and Clarke's Route." That's out. And all this perpetual motion stuff, all this can go. [deletes it]

Frasier

Daphne!

Martin

Oh no, she's out for the whole evening. You're gonna have to get it yourself.

Frasier

Oh, all right.

Martin

Let's see how that thing handles the corners. Come on, open her up!

Niles

Hello Frasier, I'd like you to meet Dr. Mel Karnofsky.

Frasier

[to Mel] Well, I can't tell you what a pleasure this is.

Niles

I believe you have some opera tickets for us.

Frasier

Yes, I do. [fetches them]

Niles

Oh, Mel, this is my father, Martin. [Martin stands]

Mel

Thank you. We're very grateful for this. Niles and I happen to be such huge fans of Puccini.

Martin

[as Eddie enters] Speaking of which, here is our own little "Pooch-ini"!

Frasier

So, where are you two having dinner?

Mel

Bel Canto, we have a table on the terrace.

Frasier

Terrace? Well, I didn't know they had a terrace.

Mel

Really? Well I guess you have to know the owner. But, we better be going. I've pre-ordered our chocolate soufflés and they'll be ready at seven-thirty precisely.

Frasier

Well, off you go then. Just remember, Niles, nothing puts on love handles faster than chocolate soufflé.

Mel

Oh well, you know, no one takes them off faster than I do. [laughs]

Frasier

Very funny, lovely meeting you.

Frasier

Well, she seems a bit much.

Martin

What do you mean?

Frasier

Well, picking the restaurant, dining on the terrace, you have to know the owner. Doesn't she remind you of someone?

Martin

Yeah, you!

Frasier

I was talking about Maris.

Martin

Oh, come on, don't you think you're overreacting a little bit? I mean, Niles sure seems happy.

Frasier

Yes, you're right, Dad. In fact, I've got a lot to accomplish this evening. [sits on sofa] Tonight, I'm going to start on my Russian language tapes.

Frasier

What is it, Dad?

Martin

What? Nothing.

Frasier

What, don't you think I can do any of these things?

Martin

No, I think you can do anything you put your mind to, Frasier, you always have.

Frasier

Thank you, Dad.

Martin

I just wonder about all these projects.

Frasier

Well, as I said, I am streamlining.

Martin

You know, I think what you discovered this week was that something's missing from your life. And before you start to fill it up with everything but the kitchen sink, I thought you ought to just ask yourself, "what do I really want? What is really going to make me happy... now?"

Martin

Well, that's weird. I suddenly feel like having a beer.

Frasier

Regan, it's me, Frasier!