The Apparent Trap

Roz

Morning, Fras.

Frasier

Hi, Roz. Roz, is baby Alice dressed as a little turkey or am I just very, very hungry? [laughs]

Roz

We're flying home for Thanksgiving right after the show. I thought I'd make Alice look as cute as possible so if she cries on the plane, the other passengers can't get mad. Actually, what I like to do is keep her awake so she'll sleep on the plane.

Frasier

You know, you should just do what I used to do. I used to tell the passengers that if Frederick cried, I'd buy them all a drink.

Roz

And that worked?

Frasier

Oh, yes. In fact, one time I awoke from a short nap, and the fellow sitting behind us was flicking the back of Frederick's little ear. Of course that was cheating, the man did not get his drink.

Roz

So when is Frederick coming anyway?

Frasier

Well, Lilith is dropping him off around noon and then she's off to visit a colleague for Thanksgiving in Vancouver. You know, come to think of it, do they even celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada?

Roz

They will when she leaves!

Freddie

Hi, Dad. [hugs him]

Frasier

Frederick, hi.

Lilith

Hello, Frasier.

Frasier

Hello. Oh, gosh, you know, I was starting to get worried about you. You're an hour late.

Freddie

We saw a big accident on the freeway. Mom saved this guy's life.

Frasier

Really?

Lilith

Well, that's going a bit far. I simply applied a tourniquet.

Freddie

She's a hero.

Frasier

[skeptically] Yes, that's your mother all right, son.

Freddie

Then the paramedics came and wanted to give mom a transfusion.

Frasier

[jokily] Yes, that's your mother all right, son.

Lilith

If you don't mind, I'd like to use the phone and call my colleague and tell him I'll be late.

Frasier

Yes, of course. Who is this colleague anyway?

Lilith

[crosses to the phone and begins dialing] He's the man who supplies me with lab rats. It's about time we got together socially. I've known him for over fifty-two generations.

Frasier

Ah. Well, if the drumsticks are about this big [shows a couple of centimeters with his fingers], you'll know why.

Freddie

Good one, Dad.

Frasier

Thank you, son.

Lilith

Hello, Peter, it's Lilith. Listen, I'm running about an hour late, so... [pause] Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Well, take care of yourself. Okay. Goodbye. [hangs up]

Frasier

What happened?

Lilith

Peter's come down with something. He thinks he caught it from the rats.

Frasier

Oh, now, nobody caught anything from a rat that wasn't resolved in a day or two, off you go.

Freddie

Gee, mom, why don't you spend Thanksgiving with us?

Frasier

Yes, that's a very good one, Frederick. Go kiss your mother goodbye and unpack, all right?

Lilith

Would it be so unbearable for me to be here for one meal? As soon as we're done, I'll go and check into a hotel. I can spend the weekend working on an article I've been writing.

Frasier

Well, you know, Niles is coming this afternoon, and it'll be very uncomfortable, I think. You know, you two haven't seen each other since your little tryst.

Lilith

Oh please, Niles and I are adults.

Frasier

I suppose you're right. It would mean a lot to Frederick. After all, Thanksgiving is a time to celebrate family.

Martin

Is the witch gone yet?

Frasier

Lilith's still here, Dad.

Martin

[shocked then collects himself] Oh, in that case, I'll ask you too, Lilith. Has my twitch gone yet? [twitches] I had some very strong coffee this morning and...

Lilith

Skillfully done, Martin.

Freddie

Grandpa!

Martin

Oh, Freddie! [hugs him] How ya doing?

Freddie

So, Dad, is Mom staying for dinner?

Lilith

Yes, Frederick, I am.

Freddie

Isn't that great, Grandpa?

Martin

[through his teeth] Great, Freddie! Real great! Isn't that great, Freddie?!

Freddie

Are you okay, Grandpa?

Lilith

[hanging up her coat] He's worried about his twitch!

Daphne

Come on, Eddie, come on.

Frasier

What's the matter?

Daphne

Well, he was perfectly fine until a block from here. Then he started whining and trembling, like he senses an earthquake or a dark force or- [not really noticing her] hello, Lilith - a vortex of evil. [notices her properly]

Freddie

I'll help with the groceries.

Daphne

[hands them to him] Hey, Freddie. Thank you. [kisses him] Well, let's see how the turkey's coming.

Frasier

Yes, Daphne's preparing dinner.

Lilith

Oh, should we tell her there's an extra person?

Frasier

No need.

Niles

Hello, Frasier.

Niles

Hello, Lilith. Lovely to see you again. [kisses her]

Lilith

Nice to see you, too.

Niles

I trust your flight was uneventful?

Lilith

Up, down, bumpy over the mountains.

Niles

Isn't that always the way?

Frasier

Lilith is joining us for dinner, Niles.

Niles

What a nice surprise.

Lilith

It certainly is for me.

Niles

Well, not as nice as it is for me.

Frasier

Oh, stop it, both of you! I refuse to spend the day listening to your distilled chatter!

Niles

Well, how would you have us behave?

Frasier

Well, why don't you try going back to your former relationship?

Lilith

All we did was insult each other.

Frasier

Yes! You're willing to throw all that away just because of one ill-considered night of passion?! It happened, take from it what you can learn, move on!

Niles

Well, I learned if you kiss her too fast you get an ice-cream headache.

Lilith

You also learned that I have twice your upper body strength, so shut your pie hole!

Frasier

Was that so hard?

Martin

Wait, wait, what are you doing?!

Daphne

I'm mashing the potatoes.

Martin

By hand? You're supposed to whip potatoes, therefore every bite tastes the same.

Daphne

Isn't that a bit bland?

Martin

Hello? Welcome to potatoes! Could you just once cook a traditional Thanksgiving meal? I mean, look at this cranberry sauce. [points to a dish of nicely smoothed sauce] It's supposed to keep the shape of the can, quiver a little bit. What are all these little chunks in there?

Daphne

Those are cranberries.

Niles

Dad, here you are, one frozen pumpkin pie on request.

Daphne

Honestly, wouldn't you rather I just bake a pie from scratch?

Martin

Is it that you CAN'T learn or you WON'T learn?

Freddie

I'm done setting the table.

Niles

Oh, you did set the table... [looks] It looks very nice, very elegant, Frederick.

Daphne

Oh yes, Freddie's been quite the little helper. Every time I bend over to check the turkey, there he is.

Frasier

So, Lilith, tell me about this article you are writing.

Freddie

[enters] It's about me.

Lilith

Essentially, yes. I was talking to a friend that works at the New York Times Magazine about raising a child after divorce and she pointed out that as a psychiatrist, I might have a unique perspective.

Freddie

You know, since it's about me, shouldn't I get something for it?

Lilith

You're not getting a minibike.

Freddie

But Mom...!

Lilith

We have talked about this. You can get one when you are fifteen.

Freddie

But all my friends have minibikes.

Lilith

Yes, and if all of your friends decided to enter a Level Four biohazard area without their environmental containment suits, would you do that too?

Freddie

This is different!

Lilith

No, it's not.

Freddie

Dad!

Frasier

Sorry Frederick, I'm with your mother on this one.

Daphne

[from kitchen] Dinner's almost ready!

Lilith

Excuse me.

Freddie

You know what I think, Dad? You and mom should write this article together.

Frasier

Well, I'm sure your mom can write it without my help.

Freddie

But it was her idea, she told me on the plane how much easier it would be. I just don't think she knows how to ask you.

Frasier

It is an intriguing idea.

Martin

[from kitchen] Frasier! I could use some help out here.

Daphne

He's picking the raisins out of the stuffing!

Frasier

Oh Lord! Coming, Dad.

Freddie

You know, I think you and Dad should write this article together.

Lilith

Together? Well, I think the last thing your father wants is to collaborate with me.

Freddie

But it was his idea. He just told me how much fun it would be.

Lilith

Well, it's an interesting notion.

Daphne

Beautiful job carving that turkey, Dr. Crane.

Niles

Well, I picked up a thing or two in medical school. In case you're wondering, this bird appears to have died of a massive head trauma.

Lilith

Did you wash your hands, Frederick?

Freddie

Yeah. Uncle Niles even showed me how to open the door with my elbow so I don't need to touch the handle.

Niles

What are uncles for?

Lilith

Daphne, is your fiancée joining us?

Daphne

No, I'll be seeing him later. Donny has his own Thanksgiving tradition. He has a dinner for all the divorced men he's represented during the year. He's hosting twenty-five today.

Lilith

Wow! Twenty-five lonely, bitter men.

Daphne

It's been a good year.

Freddie

Uncle Niles, mom's writing an article about me.

Niles

Really?

Lilith

It's about raising a child after divorce.

Frasier

Yes, it sounds fascinating, doesn't it? It's a subject that's very near and dear to my own heart.

Lilith

Are you suggesting we collaborate?

Frasier

Well, if you think I might be helpful.

Freddie

What a great idea, you can write it together.

Frasier

I'd be willing.

Lilith

Well, we certainly did well on our first collaboration. [glances at Frederick]

Frasier

You know, Lilith, we could probably get most of it done in the time you're still here in town.

Freddie

And if you stay here, you can finish the whole thing.

Frasier

Well, I guess it would be alright by me.

Lilith

Daphne, would that be too much of an imposition?

Daphne

Not at all, I'll be spending the weekend with Donny. [rises] Now, where is your father with that gravy? [exits to kitchen]

Lilith

Then I'll stay here. Although maybe we should run this by your father.

Frasier

No need.

Lilith

Yes, but I think we should have something about non custodial parents and discipline.

Frasier

Exactly! The weekend the father needn't be a weakened father.

Lilith

[laughs] Frasier, you still have a direct line to my funny bone.

Frasier

[laughs] Thank Goodness the line wasn't stop.

Lilith

[laughs] Stop! Now, if we laugh all night, we'll never get any work done.

Niles

Hey Frederick, I'm leaving. [notices screen] Whatcha doing?

Freddie

I'm saving the universe. Do you want to help?

Niles

[laughs] I wouldn't know where to begin.

Freddie

It's easy, I'll show you.

Niles

All right, what do you do?

Freddie

[hands him controller] That's your guy, you've just escaped from an intergalactic maximum security prison pod.

Niles

Like they could hold me.

Freddie

Now once you leave this chamber, you can go left or right, and different things will happen to you.

Niles

What happened?

Freddie

Wow! I never saw the guy trip and fall before. Try it again, you have two lives left.

Niles

Okay. [tries again but fails] I can't seem to get out of this room, is this some sort of advanced level?

Freddie

No, this is like the training area. I didn't even know you could die here!

Niles

[tries again but fails] I have to get out of this room!

Freddie

The reset button's on the right. Do you want something to drink? [rises]

Niles

Quiet!

Freddie

Hi, Dad.

Frasier

Oh, hi son.

Freddie

How's the writing?

Frasier

Well, it's coming along nicely, thanks.

Freddie

Oh, mom wants to know if you're bringing over the wine?

Frasier

Oh, of course, yes. [picks up wine glass]

Freddie

You know, it's great to see you and Mom working together. I think she kinda misses you.

Frasier

Really?

Freddie

Yes, she talks about you all the time. Y ou know, how wonderful you are and how she's never met another man like you. [pointing to glass of wine] You go take that out to her, I'll finish up in here.

Frasier

Thank you, son.

Frasier

There you are.

Lilith

[surprised] Oh, thank you. I've been rearranging this outline, why don't you take a look.

Frasier

Looks fine.

Lilith

Frasier, you can't see it from there, sit down. [he does] You know, I'm really enjoying this collaboration.

Frasier

Me too.

Lilith

Is it me, or is it getting warm? [takes her jacket off revealing her bare shoulders]

Frasier

[shaken up] It is a little warm!

Martin

All right, boy, I'm coming, I'm coming.

Frasier

[rises] Dad, let me walk you out. There's something I want to discuss with you.

Martin

You know, I've never seen him so eager to take a walk, I wonder what... [notices Lilith] Oh, right.

Freddie

Hey, mom. How's the article going?

Lilith

Very well, thank you.

Freddie

You know, I've never seen Dad this happy.

Lilith

Oh, what do you mean?

Freddie

Well, all he does is talk about you. How pretty you look and how smart you are and how much he misses you.

Martin

What makes you think she's coming on to you?

Frasier

Well, actually Frederick told me, but you know, it actually makes sense. I mean, this colleague of hers gets mysteriously ill and then she lassoes me into writing this article with her and then all of a sudden before I know it, the bun is off and she's waggling her bare shoulder at me.

Martin

Hey, some of us just had a big meal!

Niles

It's not your turn yet, I still have two more lives.

Lilith

[enters] It's Lilith.

Lilith

I need to talk to you.

Niles

Does the door have to be closed?

Lilith

I thinks it's best, it's of a personal nature.

Niles

What's this about?

Lilith

Well, it's about an attraction that I thought was over and now I'm beginning to think, maybe it's not.

Niles

Usually in my dreams, this is where I try to run and can't.

Lilith

This isn't about you, you egomaniac. This is about Frasier. I think he wants us together again.

Niles

He knows how I feel about you.

Lilith

Not us! Me and Frasier! Is there a chair here I could talk to?!

Niles

Well, what makes you think he wants you to get back together?

Lilith

Well, first he offers to collaborate on this article, now he's plying me with wine and at this very moment I expect he's asking your father to clear out for the night.

Niles

So he took a professional interest in your article and he offered you some wine on Thanksgiving. Now who's the egomaniac?

Lilith

Perhaps I am overreacting. I'll just have to keep my eyes peeled for more conclusive evidence.

Niles

I didn't know there was a door there!

Frasier

Then again, maybe I've just made this whole thing up in my head. Tell you what, Dad. Take a minute and then come back in. See what you think's going on in there and then find some subtle way to tell me what you think.

Martin

All right, okay. Just give me a minute.

Lilith

Frasier.

Frasier

Lilith.

Lilith

[worried] Well, isn't this nice?

Frasier

[worried] Yes, very nice.

Martin

Oh, excuse me again, I just came back to get an umbrella in case it rains. [picks one up] But I hope it doesn't, because Eddie's just dying to play this new game I taught him. I take off his leash and I say, "Run for your life!" That's exactly what I say, "Run for your life!"

Frasier

Thank you, Dad.

Martin

Okay. [starts to leave, then] Run for your life!

Lilith

Frasier, we have to talk.

Frasier

Yes, Lilith, we do.

Lilith

I mean, I can't just sit here all night waiting for you to make your move.

Frasier

Well, you've just got this all worked out, haven't you!

Lilith

Well, let's see. Candlelight, wine, soft music. What else do I need?

Frasier

I don't know what's worse: that you want me back or that you think I can be won so easily! [switches off music]

Lilith

You think I'm responsible for this?!

Frasier

You assume you can just snap your fingers and old Frasier'll come-a-runnin'?! Well, I'm sorry, it doesn't work that way, sister. First of all I have to be finessed!

Lilith

I didn't do any of this, and if you didn't either, then someone is setting us up.

Frasier

But who...? [realizes] Frederick! He told me that you've been pining for me.

Lilith

He just told me the same about you.

Frasier

Good Lord, here we are writing an article on taking your child through a divorce and our son is nursing the hopeless fantasy that we'll get back together. We've got to go talk with him.

Lilith

No, wait a minute, something is not right here. When has Frederick expressed the slightest desire to see us together?

Frasier

He could have been sublimating it for years.

Lilith

Even so, he lied to both of us. He had to have known that we'd compare notes.

Frasier

Alright, so his plan was a little artless.

Lilith

Unless... That's exactly what he wanted.

Frasier

What do you mean?

Lilith

Think about it. He makes us believe that he wants us together, of course we have to tell him that that's not going to happen. His hopes are dashed and we feel so guilty that we compensate by getting him something he wants.

Frasier

A minibike?

Lilith

That's a very clever little boy we have.

Frasier

Could he actually be so devious?

Lilith

Ah, well, if he wants something badly enough, he will figure out a way to get it. Remember when he was a baby, the bottle at the end of the maze?

Frasier

You know, I kinda regret doing that.

Lilith

[calls] Frederick!

Frasier

What are you going to do? Just come out and ask him?

Lilith

Of course not, he'll only deny it.

Frasier

What then?

Lilith

Just go with me on this one.

Lilith

Frederick, have a seat, we need to talk to you.

Freddie

[sits] What about?

Lilith

We know that you've been trying to maneuver us together and it's only natural for a child of divorce to want that. Generally speaking, your plan would be fruitless, but when your father and I let down our guard and looked at each other in the candlelight, we realized that we belong together. In other words, we're getting remarried.

Freddie

Do you really mean it? [Frasier nods in "delight"] This is going to be the best Christmas ever! I'm gonna go tell Uncle Niles.

Frasier

Have you lost your mind?!

Lilith

He's cooler than I thought.

Frasier

Cooler?! This isn't a game of poker! This is our son being lied to by his parents. We've got to go in there, tell him the truth and make it up to him. Even if it takes a fleet of minibikes!

Lilith

No, no, Frasier. Please, we called his bluff. Now, he's calling ours. The question is, what's our next move?

Frasier

Oh, I know, why don't we just consult this handy little guide for divorced parents?! [points to their article]

Lilith

We can't blink first, we've got to up the ante.

Frasier

Good idea, Lilith! [sarcastic] You know what? Let's go in there and promise him the baby brother he'll never have!

Niles

What's this joyous news I hear?

Lilith

You know, Frederick, you're going to have to give up all of your friends, because we're going to live here in Seattle.

Freddie

I'd live anywhere to be a family again.

Niles

[in one long breath] So it is true, congratulations to you both, good night. [heads to door]

Freddie

Don't you want your coat, Uncle Niles?

Niles

No, thank you!

Freddie

I'm going to go call my friends. I love you. [exits]

Lilith

I don't understand, I was so sure.

Frasier

Oh gee, don't be so tough on yourself, Lilith. After all, what parent doesn't at one time or another completely obliterate their child's chances of ever trusting another human being?! Oh well, there he is. Telling his friends that all of his dreams have come true.

Lilith

Unless that's what he wants us to think?

Frasier

When will you stop?!

Freddie

[v.o.] It worked! All I did was tap into my parents' feelings of inadequacy and they crumbled.

Boy

[v.o.] What does that mean?

Freddie

I'm getting the minibike.

Lilith

[into phone] Frederick.

Freddie

Uh-oh! [hangs up]

Lilith

Do I know my son, or do I know my son?

Frasier

He was willing to put us through absolute hell just for a minibike?

Lilith

You know what this means, don't you?

Frasier

Yes... he's normal. We're not bad parents. Well done, Dr. Sternin.

Lilith

Well done, Dr. Crane.

Lilith

Well, we really should get in there.

Frasier

Yes, I suppose we should. Must be sheer torment for him, waiting for the axe to fall.

Lilith

Absolute hell.

Frasier

Absolute nightmare.

Frasier

[laughs] Wine?

Lilith

Love some.