And The Dish Ran Away With The Spoon (Part 1)

Niles

It occurred to me I think perhaps we should try to keep this quiet from Daphne.

Daphne

Keep what quiet? ***

Mel

We got married!

Frasier

Daphne, are you saying you have feelings for Niles?

Daphne

I think I do.

Martin

You can't tell Niles all this, he says he's happy with Mel.

Frasier

She says she's happy with Donny. But I'm not sure I believe either one of them. ***

Martin

Just remember, Fras: there are two marriages on the line here.

Niles

I will get a divorce and you can call off the wedding.

Daphne

I can't! Donny is a dear and wonderful man, and I made a promise to him. ***

Daphne

I'm sorry, my mind's made up.

Daphne

Hello. ***

Daphne

I was wondering...if you might be free for a date?

Niles

[rushing to embrace her] Oh, my God, yes!

Daphne

[separating them] There's plenty of time for that later, let's get this bloody boat moving!

Niles

I can't believe this!

Daphne

Neither can I!

Niles

What made you change your mind?

Daphne

My little niece, Audrey, the flower girl. She looked up at me and said "You're the saddest bride I've ever seen." I figured who was I kidding if I couldn't fool a four-year-old with an eye patch?

Niles

Remind me to give her a car for her preschool graduation.

Daphne

[laughing] The next thing I knew, I was climbing out the window of the loo!

Niles

You mean...you didn't tell Donny?

Daphne

I didn't tell anyone. Can't you get this thing moving any faster?

Niles

Well, I would, but we have to watch out for speed...

Niles

...bumps.

Daphne

I've never done anything this crazy! Are you nervous?

Niles

Only that I'm gonna wake up.

Daphne

Don't answer it! It's probably your brother wondering if you've seen me.

Niles

Maybe it's Mel wondering why it's taking me half an hour to put on insect repellant.

Niles

Good.

Niles

Here we are: the end of the driveway. Which way shall we go?

Daphne

Well, to the right is Seattle, and to the left I guess, is Canada.

Niles

Any thoughts?

Daphne

Well, what's left for us in Seattle? Ex-wives, an ex-fiancé... a tangled mess of bitterness and hurt feelings.

Niles

Yes, but an excellent symphony and world-class dining.

Daphne

Then there's Canada: a fresh start, a chance for adventure.

Niles

[looking that way] Grizzly bears.

Daphne

I don't care! Just pick one, let's go!

Niles

[reaching for the phone] Maybe we should just...

Daphne

No! We can't think about that. I just ran out on my wedding, I can't go back. I need you to be strong.

Niles

For you, I have the strength of Hercules.

Niles

I love you.

Daphne

And I love you.

Daphne

They're not going away, are they?

Niles

If you want to keep going, I'll go.

Daphne

No. We better go back and face the music. We should make things right.

Niles

OK.

Niles

All right, all right, we're on our way back! Excuse me? ...No, there is no Wendel Fong here.

Daphne

This is gonna be friggin' awful!

Niles

Well, maybe. Maybe not.

Niles

Sometimes you build these things up in your mind, and they turn out not half as bad as you thought.

Daphne

That being said, I guess there's no easy way to tell you this: I'm in love with Niles, and I can't marry you.

Daphne

Donny, are you all right?

Daphne

Donny!

Niles

Mel, did you hear what I just said? Say something. Anything.

Niles

[stunned] Wow.

Daphne

[stunned] Wow.

Martin

Anyone try those little crab cakes? [off Frasier's look] What? They were good.

Frasier

All right, Dad! We just had front row seats for what is arguably the most disastrous wedding in history. Can't just ignore it with a lot of inane chit chat.

Niles

Did you try that mustard dip that went with them? It was good.

Frasier

Niles?

Niles

Frankly, I prefer a little inane chit chat to talking about what actually happened back there.

Daphne

Poor Donny. I've never seen him so upset. I just wish I'd broken the news to him in a carpeted room instead of the rock garden. I just can't help feeling that our happiness has come at the expense of Mel and Donny.

Martin

There was no easy way out of this. But you guys did the right thing coming back. I'm proud of you both.

Niles

Thanks Dad. And... thank you, Frasier. As painful as it was back there, we owe you a debt of gratitude. Daphne and I are here now because of you.

Frasier

Please, Niles, I really didn't do all that much. Just a minor pluck of Cupid's bow.

Daphne

Nonsense. You set this whole thing in motion.

Frasier

Stop it. I'm blushing! Just seeing you two kids together is thanks enough for me. Although I, I wouldn't turn down a bottle of '82 Latour.

Niles

[sotto voce to Daphne] He's not kidding.

Daphne

I know.

Martin

Oh, look. Isn't that my Winnebago pulling out from the gas station?

Frasier

Oh, I'd say so. You know, Dad, I'm amazed you let Simon drive that thing.

Martin

Oh, it'll be fine. I gave him a lecture about drinking and driving.

Frasier

He did understand you were discouraging it?

Martin

[laughing] Of course. [He looks thoughtful for a moment.] Uh-oh.

Daphne

Just hope he gets my family to the airport on time. I wouldn't want them to miss their plane, if you get my drift.

Martin

Yeah, it's them all right. Look, it's all your brothers waving from the back.

Daphne

Hello.

Martin

Hey, how ya doin'?

Niles

Hello.

Martin

See ya!

Daphne

Oh, well that's very nice. Ugh...

Frasier

Living up to the "Moon" family name, I see.

Daphne

So did Simon get you home all right after dropping my family at the airport?

Roz

Oh, yeah. He entertained the whole neighborhood trying to parallel park the Winnebago. The highlight was when he flattened a whole row of newspaper racks.

Martin

How many did he get? My record's five.

Daphne

I suppose he followed that up with some sort of clumsy advance.

Roz

Oh, he tried, but I told him to get lost. Then he hit on my babysitter! She showed him why she's the star of her JV soccer team.

Daphne

You know, Mum claims he was dropped as a child. I think he was thrown. [they laugh] I can't thank you enough for helping me return these wedding gifts. I've been dreading it. Just reminds me of how many people I've disappointed.

Martin

Daph, you really outdid yourself on these corn muffins today. They're light... moist... corny...

Daphne

[to Roz] He's just being so sweet to me because of all of this.

Martin

No, I mean it! They're delicious!

Daphne

He hates 'em. Watch this. [to him] You know, if you finish those up, I'll make another batch. In fact, I'll fill the freezer and we'll have them with every meal.

Martin

All right, all right, I give! Try to do something nice around here.

Simon

Right, that's the last of it. Look sharp, Daphne!

Daphne

Simon, you idiot!

Simon

Oh, don't get your knickers in a twist, I already dropped it in the elevator.

Daphne

I think you've helped enough for one day.

Martin

Simon, how about a little breakfast?

Simon

Oh, no thanks, Marty. I've already had a lovely crispy golden waffle and a foamy cappuccino down in the Winnebago.

Martin

The Winnebago? That doesn't have a waffle iron or a cappuccino maker.

Daphne

Wait a minute, these gifts look like they've been unwrapped and then wrapped again. Simon!

Simon

You know what that is, Daphne? That's a bread maker, which you did not register for. Some people are so bloody thoughtless.

Daphne

That's stealing! These gifts are going back!

Simon

Never! Returning used merchandise is unethical. And I for one will never be party to it.

Niles

So... returning wedding presents, I take it. That's one problem Mel and I avoided by eloping. No presents to return when, uh... when, uh...

Simon

When you shag someone else's wife?

Daphne

Simon!

Daphne

Would you like some coffee?

Niles

Oh, I'd love some. Here, let me help.

Niles

Ooh, Dad, those look good. What are they?

Martin

Doorstops.

Niles

[pulling his hand back] Thank you.

Niles

How'd you sleep last night?

Daphne

I didn't. How 'bout you?

Niles

Not a wink. Um, you know, as pleasant as it was riding up and down that driveway yesterday, I, I think it hardly qualifies as a date, so I have a surprise for you. I made reservations for tonight at Au Pied du Cochon, and after, we're going dancing at the Starlight Room. It'll be our first official date. You free?

Daphne

Wow, this is awfully short notice. Can I get back to you?

Niles

Yeah, of course.

Daphne

[laughing] Of course I'm free, ya silly sausage. It sounds wonderful!

Niles

Um, uh, Daphne, uh... About us. I, uh, think we shouldn't rush into anything, like living together, or, or even... physical relations until I have the situation resolved with Mel. You have any thoughts about that?

Daphne

Oh, I'm so relieved. I feel exactly the same way. We need to get to know each other in this whole new light first.

Niles

We're completely simpatico.

Daphne

Yes.

Daphne

Although, you know, in some respects, we're much further ahead than most couples. I already know how you take your coffee. Cream.

Niles

Mm-hmm.

Daphne

One sugar.

Niles

Mm-hmm. And two lips.

Frasier

Morning.

Niles

[breaking the kiss] Good morning. No, I don't see anything in your eye.

Frasier

For God's sake, I got news for you: the cat is out of the bag!

Daphne

Well, I'm sorry. I guess I'm just not used to kissing the boss's brother in the kitchen. [nervous] Not that I'm used to kissing him any other place. [laughing] I mean any other room...

Frasier

Yes, yes, Daphne, I know what you mean! So, how are you two doing?

Niles

Well, well we're deliriously happy, of course. Although, I, I keep thinking about Mel and how she must be feeling today.

Niles

Excuse me.

Daphne

Poor Donny. He must be devastated. I'll never forgive myself for that. Maybe I should go and see him.

Frasier

I wouldn't, Daph. You know, Donny and Mel have suffered a terrible blow. They'll need space and time to lick their wounds. Believe me, in the emotional state they're in, the last thing they'll want is to speak with either of you.

Niles

[into phone] Hold on. Frasier, could you hold it down? It's Mel.

Frasier

That woman never misses an opportunity to show me up!

Roz

Daphne, Simon is opening your gifts.

Daphne

Bloody hell!

Daphne

Simon, give me that!

Simon

Roz, you little snitch! You know, I'm starting to have serious doubts about whether you're gonna be the future mother of my children.

Roz

Somewhere out there, the future mother of your children just lifted her head from a puddle of drool.

Simon

Yeah, but I'll bet she's got a ripper body.

Messenger

Daphne Moon?

Daphne

Yes.

Messenger

[handing her flowers] These are for you.

Daphne

Oh, goodness!

Messenger

[handing her some papers] And so is this. Consider yourself served.

Daphne

What?!

Niles

Well, you won't believe this: Mel insists on seeing me. [noticing Daphne] Wow. Wonderful flowers, who are they from?

Frasier

Well, I can't read the card from here, but I'd say they're from Donny.

Niles

Is he trying to get you back?

Daphne

Oh, he's getting me back, all right. He's suing me!

Niles

[crossing to Daphne] What?

Simon

Call me crazy, but you know what I think we all need right now? A nice pot of fondue. I'm sure I seen one in here somewhere.

Frasier

Donny? Are you in here?

Donny

Hi, Fras.

Frasier

It's kind of dark in here. You think maybe we could turn on the light?

Donny

OK.

Frasier

Oh, OK. [He turns the lights on.] There we go, that's better. Ah... Donny? You're gonna have to turn around. I can't see you.

Donny

Well, we can't see you either.

Frasier

We?

Donny

Oh, that's right, you haven't met my little friend.

Donny

You remember him? From the top of the wedding cake? I call him "Mr. Chump." Say hello to Mr. Chump.

Frasier

Oh, well, Donny...

Donny

I said say hello!

Frasier

Hello, Mr. Chump. Donny, are you all right?

Donny

Oh, yeah. I wasn't feeling very well yesterday, but the doctor gave me a few pills and I'm feeling much better now. So, what can I do for you?

Frasier

Well, before I get to that, Donny, I'd like you to know that my visit here was completely my own idea. Daphne has nothing to do with it. What happened to you yesterday was unforgivable... and devastating. I know whereof I speak. You see, I too was once... abandoned at the altar. You're feeling abandoned and hurt, and completely alone.

Donny

Aren't you forgetting someone?

Frasier

Just so we're clear: All my remarks refer to human relationships.

Donny

Well...

Frasier

Daphne realizes you went to great expense for this wedding, and she is prepared to repay you over time, but Donny, this hundred thousand dollars in punitive damages for emotional distress; that's not you. That's not the Donny Douglas I know.

Donny

It's not?

Frasier

No. You don't want to sue Daphne.

Donny

I'm a lawyer, it's my natural impulse. Oh, you know, maybe I am being too hard on Daphne. In all fairness, she's not totally to blame.

Frasier

Gosh, there's plenty of blame to go around. I mean, even I played a minor part in these events.

Donny

[sitting up] You? I was talking about me.

Frasier

Well, you, me, everyone. Let he who is without sin, right? Anyway, I'm glad we had this talk. God bless.

Donny

No, wait, wait, wait, wait...just a minute. What "minor part" did you play?

Frasier

I may have mentioned in passing to Niles and Daphne how they felt about each other. Which may have, conceivably, set this ...whole thing in motion. Perhaps!

Donny

You did this on my wedding day?

Frasier

Oh, no. No, Donny, no. It was the night before, but... what I'm trying to say is if you feel the urge to yell at someone, well then yell at me. If you want to take a swing at someone, then here's my chin. [Donny jumps up.] Are you going to hit me?

Donny

Oh, yeah. I'm gonna hit you. I'm gonna hit you with tortious interference and intentional and negligent infliction of emotional distress. In layman's terms: I'm gonna sue your ass off!

Frasier

Me?! But Daphne's the one who left you at the altar!

Donny

That's right. That's why I'm suing her for breach of contract!

Frasier

Donny, Donny listen, you're being emotional right now. Give this a few days and I'm sure you'll feel much better.

Donny

Actually, I'm feeling a lot better, thank you Frasier. Suing you is just the tonic I needed. You know what else? I'm starving. I haven't eaten in twenty-four hours. I'd ask you to join me, but, uh, you should be saving your money. Turn out the lights when you leave. Oh, by the way, Fras. Who's Mr. Chump now?

Niles

Where is Mel? That woman is punctual to a fault. This is a bad sign.

Martin

She's only five minutes late.

Niles

Five?! I thought it was two! She's doing this intentionally, she's playing mind games. [gasp] She's hoping to undermine my confidence, [gasp] so she'll have the advantage. [gasp]

Martin

Yeah, but you're showin' her.

Frasier

I'm sorry I'm late. What's wrong with Niles?

Martin

Oh, he's in a tizzy 'cause Mel's late.

Frasier

Dear God! She's never late!

Frasier

Steady Niles!

Martin

Nice job, Frasier. Well, how'd things go with Donny?

Frasier

Well, I used every psychological trick in my bag to get myself added to the lawsuit.

Niles

That's unforgivable!

Frasier

Tell me about it.

Niles

No, that prune danish that Dad dropped down here last Thursday is still here!

Martin

Oh, I think I see Mel pullin' in.

Niles

Don't panic! [He lifts his head, banging it on the table.] Thanks for the moral support. Don't let her see you here.

Frasier

[rising] OK. If you need us, we'll be right up there.

Niles

Thanks.

Niles

Hello Mel.

Mel

Niles.

Niles

Please.

Mel

Now you're making me feel bad. I tell you what: our four-day anniversary.

Niles

Mel, I never meant to...

Mel

What? Hurt me? If that were the case, you never would have run off with your... maid whore, leaving me holding the brochures to our honeymoon.

Niles

Technically, she's a physical therapist. [off her look] You were saying?

Mel

If you think that I...

Niles

Oh, Mel. Here, here...

Mel

No!

Mel

I promised myself I wouldn't cry, damn it! I want you to listen to me very carefully. Last night, as I lay in bed, awake, I thought I'm either going to kill you, or I'm going to kill myself.

Niles

Well, here you are, so I guess that leaves, uh...

Mel

Will you shut up and let me finish? I realized that wouldn't solve anything. So, I've decided to make this as painless as possible. You will have your divorce, Niles, and it will be quick and clean.

Niles

That's very generous...

Mel

Hold your applause, there are some conditions. As you know, I have a certain standing in my social circle that's important to me, and having my husband of three days run off with some Cockney tart is a humiliation I'd prefer to avoid.

Niles

Yes, I understand completely.

Mel

So this is how this is going to play out. For the next few weeks, as far as rest of the world is concerned, we are still happily married.

Niles

Check.

Mel

We will appear together in public, at various social occasions.

Niles

Check.

Mel

In private, I don't want to lay eyes on you.

Niles

Check, check.

Mel

And when a suitable amount of time has passed, I will file for divorce.

Niles

It seems like you've thought of everything.

Mel

I have. [She hands him a box.] Here's the watch I was going to give you as a wedding gift. Please wear it when we're together.

Niles

[looking at it] It's, uh... [He peers closer.]

Mel

Yes, it said "Forever Yours". I scratched it out with a screwdriver.

Niles

There's something else crudely carved here, but... ah. Well, at least you were able to use that "f" from "forever".

Martin

Maybe it's not gonna be so bad after all, she just gave him a watch.

Frasier

Isn't this all too typical? [He pulls out the plastic groom.] Niles leaves his wife for another woman, he gets a gift. I try to do the right thing and I get Mr. Chump and a lawsuit! [He puts the figure away.]

Martin

Frasier, I know you thought it was for the best, but I told you not to go see Donny, didn't I?

Frasier

Yes, you did.

Martin

But you went down there anyway, didn't you?

Frasier

Yes, I did!

Martin

I told you not to screw around with lawyers, didn't I?

Frasier

All right, Dad!

Martin

[quietly] I told him not to go down there.

Frasier

Will you shut up?!

Frasier

All right, there she goes.

Martin

So?

Frasier

Niles?

Niles

Ah, well, um, all things considered, not so bad. In exchange for a neat and tidy divorce, all I have to do is play the doting husband at some social functions for a few weeks.

Martin

Oh, that doesn't sound so bad.

Frasier

What kind of social functions?

Niles

Well, uh, for instance, ah, tonight...is our wedding reception.

Frasier

Dear God!

Niles

Well, since we eloped, some of Mel's colleagues decided to throw a last minute get-together to toast our nuptials.

Martin

Well, after Donny gets through with Frasier, you won't be the only one gettin' your nuptials toasted.